I keep reminding myself that a reaction is what everything is about, there's no real communication happening.
@ChildoftheLIGHT10 ай бұрын
Exhausting to try to resolve any conflict with them. Their projection, denial, and blame-shifting is unreal and impenetrable. DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME.
@bereal659010 ай бұрын
@@robertruge2916 lol, that's a good one 👍👏👏✋✌
@TheDivayenta10 ай бұрын
I see this with MAGA commenters on YT a lot. Insulting and authoritative.
@heathermixson126510 ай бұрын
Exhausting, indeed!
@xxmaryjane789710 ай бұрын
Wow. Yep.
@Gemmarose901210 ай бұрын
That’s because they don’t want to resolve it. Kind of a no brainer!
@kathy-annhart263210 ай бұрын
The only thing I'll say is: Narcissistic people will accuse a person of not behaving well when you're merely reacting negatively to their bad behavior aka projection. I know it's best not to say anything but heck sometimes one can't help it
@danielkaiser897110 ай бұрын
You're exactly correct. You may be referring to a common concept called "reactive abuse". It's essentially when an abuser provokes you so much that you react negatively, even abusively, back to the abuser. This is when the abuser points at you and says, "See? You are the problem, not me!" (and this is sometimes done in front of an audience that doesn't know better, causing them to falsely believe you are the problem when you are not.) Most anyone you speak to will have a story of their own to tell. So yes, you are describing a very common phenomenon.
@bereal659010 ай бұрын
@@danielkaiser8971 I don't know if you've come across this. My mother, knowing full well I'm very ill and what's difficult for me, will push and push with 'concern', as if she is a wonderful caring martyr. I end up blowing a fuse because the concern is superficial, repetitive and cognitive empathy. She drives me crazy with it. I know she doesn't care on a deep level, the invalidation, guilt tripping, lack of interest and horrible stupid things she has said, the contempt and disdain, but she clings to her victim martyr status as if she is the kindest mother in the world. She drives me nuts with it. Then I look like the abusive one. For decades until I got sick I believed it all. I don't know if anyone else has come across this form of manipulation
@carolnahigian951810 ай бұрын
thanks Dr.C! there is a PERSON at work who ignores me& KISSES the ladies at work ( all except ME! She shun me... I will BE THE GROWN UP IN THE room!!!!!
@jackilynpyzocha66210 ай бұрын
I get this!
@heathermixson126510 ай бұрын
Narcissists are very ambitiously lazy in all areas of life.....EXCEPT when it comes to revenge on ANYONE for ANYTHING at ANY TIME. *my experience * Thank you Dr. Carter❤
@bereal659010 ай бұрын
No one else's feelings matter, just theirs. Communication is impossible, they're not listening. If they do listen, whatever it is, is your fault. No communication at the heart level. Didn't realise people could go throughout life with zero eq, apparently they can!
@simaddiction10 ай бұрын
There is little reason to argue or deal with a narcissistic person. They live in a little world all their own based on lies and a victim's perception. You can not reason with them or change their mind on things once they set a path.
@SurvivingNarcissism10 ай бұрын
You make sense.
@jasmineflower987910 ай бұрын
Justice can be seen : Narcissists wake up agitated & miserable. Breathe Deeply & Have a beautiful day !
@SurvivingNarcissism10 ай бұрын
Yes!
@lahlo980110 ай бұрын
That last five minutes is where I was for 5 years. I would have done anything to save our relationship. I believed in the spiritual commitment. After nearly a year of counseling; I realized there was nothing I could have done without having a true partner beside me interested in the same thing. I wish I hadn't waited so long to move on. It caused more pain to my teenage daughter and myself than any joy would have balanced out. Years of trauma that I can't get back for her. I'm so sorry for taking so long.
@patriciaalbertson518310 ай бұрын
Me too. We just can't make someone else care enough. They need to do the right thing by our kids.
@Hatbox94810 ай бұрын
My ex narc wasn't even there for his own kids. They hate him, and he still doesn't get why.
@heathermixson126510 ай бұрын
Understood. And don't beat yourself up for YOUR good heart and wanting to do right.😊
@DJH9710 ай бұрын
@@Hatbox948Same. His son wants nothing to do with him. Took me 25 years to realize I wasted decades in “hope”. My ex narc doesn’t even care that his son wants nothing to do with him. He moved 1000 miles away and thought everyone would still cater to him and go see him. Lol. The opposite happened.
@lahlo980110 ай бұрын
@heathermixson1265 Thank you. 🙂
@jonathanwest306210 ай бұрын
When I dealt with my narcissistic mother, a compliment is an open door to attack me. It was the reason I always tried to stay two steps ahead and cut off attacks as they happen. It's what I called being her whipping boy to her abuse. I have gone no contact but am still getting use to not having to look over my shoulder waiting for the next attack.
@TheDivayenta10 ай бұрын
I’ve been there and I know how hard it is.
@QuinoaChia10 ай бұрын
I couldn't get away from my narc, but listening to Dr. C has been so comforting. Still not strong enough to leave. Till then Dr. C is building my confidence.
@ceelee12610 ай бұрын
You will leave when the time is right for you! Be kind to yourself. Sending powerful positive energy your way 💜
@SurvivingNarcissism10 ай бұрын
The strength is inside you, we just need to bring it out.
@ceelee12610 ай бұрын
@@SurvivingNarcissism we are WAY stronger than we believe we are! I cannot believe the things I survived....and thrived afterwards
@QuinoaChia10 ай бұрын
@@ceelee126 Thank you .. that was very kind of you. 🤍
@QuinoaChia10 ай бұрын
@@SurvivingNarcissism I am sure it is. Thanks Dr C.
@aaronkwolfe10 ай бұрын
I chatted about "Rules of Engagement" that we have but a narc doesn't. Something I still think about, even long after freedom. Words wound. Wounds take time to heal, if you stop picking.
@SurvivingNarcissism10 ай бұрын
Thanks, Aaron. That would make a good video!
@aaronkwolfe10 ай бұрын
@@SurvivingNarcissism Lol. G’head. I’d be honored. I copyright nothing {grin}.
@user-zy9tq2hg3n10 ай бұрын
Would it be accurate to say that narcissists cannot cope with change in their restrictive world? An illness or an accident happening to someone they consider part of their livestock or their landscape, invariably becomes something that is happening to them and that the actual victim will have to pay for. While listening to you 'on tape' 🙂, it suddenly dawned on me that their reactions are not that far off from that of my autistic (Aspergers) adult son, with one huge difference: he knows that the anger he expresses when he feels insecure is not okay and can cause damage that he does not intend to cause. He will eventually apologise. The narcissists never do; they just double up on vindictive and cruel pronouncements. Amoral, manipulative, oxygen sucking creatures. Very sad.
@danielkaiser897110 ай бұрын
When I see someone say that words can wound, I think that the ability to be wounded by words is the healthy willingness to be vulnerable and receive love, and this is also related to our own capacity for caring or loving. Vulnerability and openness are good things in healthier relationships. Boundaries help keep out the baddies. I'm just thinking out loud right now. It's good to see you are here learning and talking with other people as your wounds take the time they need to heal.👍
@KS-dx5ln10 ай бұрын
Any and every time I have tried to discuss any issues with both of my parents, it's shut me down, ignore the issue and change subjects, minimize, shame and blame me. They are incapable of hearing anything that they have done. There's no having any adult discussion with either one of them. I've been hung up on, cussed out, raged on, and when I went no contact.....they told others, "I have no idea why she's not talking to me." Well, really now? I have the voicemails and texts to prove it. My mother plays the pitty party. The matriarch, drama, chaos causing one driving the toxicity. Sad existence for some. I had to remove myself and my grandson from the evil abuse.
@evelynwells-rk1ed10 ай бұрын
They are hellbent on chaos and mayhem!
@KS-dx5ln10 ай бұрын
That's my mother!!!
@blen74010 ай бұрын
This is one point that I wholeheartedly agreed with: I asked my narc flat out "why she couldn't accept the fact that people loved her (simply because she is), " instead of slamming everybody who tries to get close to her? Her response was, "that when people say l love you," they only do it because they want to get something from you. Can narcissists be so insecure within themselves that they actually consider themselves unworthy of being loved or is this just a sick mind game to keep the attention focused on them so they can keep getting supply?
@LookUpRedemption10 ай бұрын
My opinion is they think everyone else is playing the same tricks and head games they are (love you means what can I get out of you)
@evanphillips683410 ай бұрын
Dr. C I'm at a lose. The narcissist in my life is my father in law. He discarded me during an extremely hostile rage fit about a year ago. It happened directly in front of my wife and 1 year old daughter at the time. During the outburst he referenced to my wife as HIS daughter and my daughter as HIS grandchild. Is that truly how delusional these people are? They actually think they have some type of ownership over others.
@AnnePerkins-po5jo10 ай бұрын
What's theirs is theirs and what's yours is theirs too. If only they also took ownership of their actions!
@severineg870210 ай бұрын
I feel you. The biggest and longest mistake I made was trying to deal nicely with my narc in-laws (who raised narc clones, er, kids). It is not worth it. Save yourself and your immediate family. BTDT.
@patriciaalbertson518310 ай бұрын
I'm sorry that happened. YES... They are that delusional! My own sister did that to my husband when he stuck up for me.... told him "To shut up because I was her sister!" HA! So... She has the right to abuse me??? Then ... him?
@evanphillips683410 ай бұрын
@@severineg8702 I’m doing my best to create as much distance as I can, but my wife still has the mentality “well he is my father, so we have to have some type of relationship with him.” It’s a losing battle, best I can do is save face, grey rock and stay indifferent till hopefully the truth surfaces.
@evanphillips683410 ай бұрын
@@AnnePerkins-po5jo You’re 100% correct, that’s the only thing they don’t take ownership of.
@targetedtyranny466110 ай бұрын
Smeared through my community, stores,restaurants, they arranged this where I get persecuted everywhere, really heartbreaking people are like that willing to comply,the issues was years ago,they make excuses why they did it,but I believe they just wanted to do exactly what they did,no matter what it was going to happen with this person.
@triciadreas983510 ай бұрын
It's forever, they will never trust you again
@ephesians511222 сағат бұрын
They have zero remorse when you confront them, and they totally miss the point of what you're saying. I wrote my Narc cousin a letter confronting her on her various insults and accusations, and said I couldn't take her barbed tongue and sharp words any more (we were supposed to take a road trip together). I mentioned that a friend told me regarding her, "She'll never change." And I mentioned in this letter an incident way back in 1964, in which she was 17 and was quite rude when I and my family spent the weekend with her. I told her as we drove away that my father said that her manners left something to be desired. I had to laugh at her reply text, that all I remember is bad things and she hoped I felt better getting that off my chest; that it must've bothered me all these 60 years -- she was completely blind to the fact that I was actually exemplifying that in 60 years, she hasn't changed. She's still rude and abrasive!!
@AAXS-op1vo10 ай бұрын
I am an ECE professional and am very familiar with Erik Erikson’s theoretical stance. He is one of my favorites because he looks at the human development from birth all the way to death! It is fascinating and YES, if we are in growth mode and open/flexible, we can remain in a healthy growth mode up until the end!
@SurvivingNarcissism10 ай бұрын
Thanks for the input!
@t_nels10 ай бұрын
Lol. These made me giggle because of the exclamation points. I never know how to take them.
@angellollar108310 ай бұрын
Honor to share!!! Funny. Loved the marbles. Grabbed my 🍵 ☕️ before this message. It was your coffee cup! DrC Dignity. Respect. Civility.
@rosieE12110 ай бұрын
I started doing narc things by following example, until I realized that what I was doing was hurting other people who in no way deserved it. I didn’t see they were innocent bystanders, and I definitely didn’t want to hurt anyone.
@phyllisfleming285310 ай бұрын
1. Suggestions for the most gracious/respectful way to say: "I am sick to death of you assuming my questions have a hidden agenda. I asked the question because I need the information I asked about." 2. I am 70, my n spouse is 75; I will probably outlive my spouse. In the event that I don't, the n will let our children know, in no uncertain terms, that they (or at least one of them) must become the caretaker, probably close to 24/7. I would like to leave a letter with one of my siblings, giving our loving children (28, 31, 33) a "heads-up" on what to expect "behind closed doors". No physical abuse, just emotional/spiritual/verbal abuse. Our children don't deserve that type of treatment.
@phyllisfleming285310 ай бұрын
And the question in comment 2 above is: what should I tell my children about coping with the behaviors of the n? I am not interested in the dissing their other parent. I only want to spare them at least some of the pain. What suggestions do you have?
@Peace_love2310 ай бұрын
Yes, one can pick up those trades. It is a daily battle but if you stay truthful to yourself, you can fight back. I used reaffirmations when I found myself in a one-sided conversation with my ex. He did not talk to me he talked at me. He was not interested in hearing what I had to say. If I tried to give an opinion he would accuse me of never listening and of not understanding anything. In the end, I would just listen. Silently I would reaffirm myself by saying am a lifelong learner. I don't know everything and I learn from others. I make mistakes and that is okay. It was not easy, but along came Dr. Carter’s discussion on the subject, which helped me make healthier decisions in my life for me. And reaffirmed to me that I was not stupid, or crazy. These people drain your positive energy out of you.
@Hatbox94810 ай бұрын
I don't think I ever won in any argument with my ex narc. In retrospect, my biggest mistake was in moving into his home. I'd advise against it. Every argument ended with "well, if you don't like it, leave". Plus, he always had to be right. After all it was his house. 🙄
@snowbear187710 ай бұрын
Nobody ever wins an argument.
@Loriburnett10 ай бұрын
I am beyond blown away, as always, because of the spot on words from you doc! Unfortunately, I could identify with every story that was talked about today, and I’ve learned so much. If it wasn’t for what you’ve taught us, I would think that I was going crazy. I am surrounded by sick People and many narcissists in my life. Almost all of them are family. It is extremely frustrating to interact with these people who want me under their thumb. They are so sick and the problem is that some of them I really love and it is ripping my heart out. This video today was so filled with information I needed to hear and will definitely listen to it again thank you.
@SurvivingNarcissism10 ай бұрын
You are quite welcome.
@dnk455910 ай бұрын
I can so relate.
@heatherwhittaker61694 ай бұрын
My mother's reaction to a compliment was always..Yes I was much lovelier than my children..She meant it...but not really..jealousy is more accurate because of her refusal to allow us to model, though we had recruiters after us...denial of music,dance lessons..Everything she had been given.
@grandmatoo10 ай бұрын
I find this topic frustrating. I was married to a person who was a classic narcissist. I have struggled to recover going one step forward, then one step back. My anxiety at times rises up. I have challenged and estranged relationships with the children I had with my narcissist ex spouse. The idea of no contract and grey rock with a narcissist is exactly what I get instead of the narcissist. How did this happen? I wait for mending, but years and years go by. I am still supply for the narcissist aren't I?
@lilianproencademenezesmont416110 ай бұрын
Very nice listen to your comments. We learn and think how decades ago we knew nothing about narcissism. We thought that these persons were only neurotics. Hello from São Paulo , Brazil.
@elainesmith531310 ай бұрын
Dr. C. I so look forward to Wednesday!! Thank you for this topic! Listening to you has saved me any ongoing pain from my past life with the Narcissust Family Cult I grew up in and married into also. I have had sometime enjoying Freedom and Peace because of you and Team Healthy. But still seem to attract narcissist people, I do reconize the signs now much better than I did. There are so few genuine people anymore, but the ones I do have as family and friends in my life are wonderful. Thank you for helping me to be aware now, and to be able to take action.❤❤❤😊
@SurvivingNarcissism10 ай бұрын
Stay strong, Elaine. #TeamHealthy
@eugenemurray294010 ай бұрын
'Getting Old is a part of Life But it brings with it It's own Compensations' HRH Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
@rosieE12110 ай бұрын
I'm familiar with the catch-22 requests. Narcissists seem to seek these out so they have a win-win situation. What I meant is they want situations where they will always win.
@jeanetteterry938610 ай бұрын
May God continue to bless you and adorn you and your family. Thank you for explaining and educating the masses with understanding and empowerment on how to stay healthy and becoming healthier after involvement with the narcissist. 😊We love you Dr. Carter.
@eyeoftheneedle11169 ай бұрын
When a mom is competing constantly with her kids, it really sucks.
@Greenawareness1889 ай бұрын
@eyeoftheneedle1116 , you are right.
@rm70910 ай бұрын
I cannot wait for that projection video! Thank you, Dr. C!
@123raven410 ай бұрын
Thank you for answering my question Dr. C! I am a Mom btw! I have rewind and play to listen again because I enjoy tape delay!! Sad to say but thanks for reminding me that I am not the only one that deals with these family issues! I only have my husband, daughter and Mother in my life! I don't want to talk to co workers about this! Thank you again and i will definitely keep listening to your insight on this difficult situation that is happening to all of us in one shape or form of another! The devil knows he is running out of time!!
@tammydietschweiler785210 ай бұрын
She should have said about mom, wow have you changed! Lol They don’t deserve a compliment.
@LookUpRedemption10 ай бұрын
They rotate in a totally different mindset. Perpetually negative. When they have a brief moment of actual elation watch out because they will be lashing out very soon
@2gooddrifters10 ай бұрын
It's not difficult, it's inevitable and constant and created by them.
@TroyChristensen-wn5uy10 ай бұрын
So glad you haven't lost your marbles!
@Alice-fr1ef10 ай бұрын
Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community from California. Thank you for a wonderful midweek session Dr. Carter. So very helpful.
@meganengland325210 ай бұрын
You mentioned it’s not unusual for narcissists to ramp up their abusive behavior after a death of a spouse. That’s what happened to me- forcing me to go low then no contact just weeks after my father passed away. This has been very confusing to me and often makes me wonder if I’m the heartless person she has made me out to be my entire life. Can you elaborate on this pattern of behavior after such events? Hearing you say this is a common occurrence lowered my heavy guilt and I’d love to hear more about it.
@mareeamor359610 ай бұрын
I also deal with a narcissist who can never compliment or praise anyone for their achievements or acknowledge that others have enjoyed something. She turns it back to herself immediately, saying things such as "It happens" or "It's not as good as.....(insert something she has done/experienced)". She will also criticise or ridicule others' experiences, to further her perceived superior position. Pathetic really.
@bereal659010 ай бұрын
It's really sad for them and for us ✌
@bereal659010 ай бұрын
Thank you for covering my question, WOW, I SO SO SO needed this today. You're a god send! Thank you thank you thank you. My mother has been driving me nuts with her manipulation projection guilt trips. She shuts me down, doesn't listen, does faux empathy, nags, questions me constantly or does the silent treatments or just doesn't say anything. Communication is impossible. Your answer makes total sense. You can't know how much I needed this today. Love to you, your fam and give gus a cuddle from me ✌
@SurvivingNarcissism10 ай бұрын
Thanks for sending the question!
@bereal659010 ай бұрын
@@SurvivingNarcissism I listened to your answer 5 times to get it into my head. I realised she will say she will follow up but never does. Same circular stuff over on repeat. I realise ive been controlled through stealth manipulation, of which guilt has been a major component, for decades.
@nancytwigg463110 ай бұрын
Thank you for your session today, Doc. Took in your Premier and Live Chat. You help so many. Thank you. My question: when you make efforts to survive narcissism and your journey moves toward healing and you gain a new awareness about all aspects of this insidious behavior disorder, why would I feel sorry for what happened in the child development years that formed the narcissist (frontal lobe). Their unbringing forms them into the unchangeable being they become. I was the recipient of his psychological abuse, yes, I am an empath. And, I now realize the narcissist perception and reality is so different than mine. Should I be feeling this internal push to practice tolerance and acceptance. Like he was born the way of genetically disabled child is to be accepted in the mainstream. Or any autistic person is to be allowed acceptance and accessibility. I think "he couldn't help how he was raised." There is no way I want back in that crazy world of his. I stay no contact. However, I can't help but feel sad about how narcissists are raised. When do we draw a line and say even though they had no choice in their child development, there comes a time, maybe by a certain age, that there is to be no sadness about it. Moral human beings are to be accountable to know right from wrong; truth from lies; practice honesty, empathy, and introspection. Would you say a narcissist's upbriging is not their fault ? Has the narcissist been a victim of their upbring? Where does 100% responsibility of each individual's behavior lie? Is it unreasonable that an Empath would have this dissonance? Then again, I sometimes also just want to be angry because it is all so toxic and unacceptable. I don't want to feel guilt or sorrow for an insecure bully who violates steals, lies, manipulates, and harms. Signing up for your October 10th webinar. Maybe you can share your ideas and response to this question then? Thanks, Doc.
@ronaldmcdonald396510 ай бұрын
My late father was extra nice to my cousin who was mis-treated by his father I have historically been extra nice and forgiving to my cousin. But I give up Will go no contact He had no ability to self improve And I don't want to be on the receiving end of the behavior
@barbarajohnson9510 ай бұрын
What a great session. Thank you Sir!
@SurvivingNarcissism10 ай бұрын
Glad you enjoyed it!
@michelemucha22129 ай бұрын
thank you so much. you are the answer to my prayers. I thought I was the problem. feeling so alone and inadequate in everything I do, and now everything I am. I'm at my bottom and feel like at 66, I'll never be happy and content. my heart is so hard. my trust level is zero. after 6 years of being with this man, I feel like damaged goods. my favorite word is hope, but I'm just not feeling it. help me please.
@jean-pierrep684410 ай бұрын
Well said, doc. We all have narcissistic traits. It's part of development through childhood and adolescence. Staying stuck there keeps me higher on the spectrum
@minichanti10 ай бұрын
Amazing their know-it-all profile, for example when having a last minute noble spin to a narrative that harms their reputation, kind of a bear hug that they can't stand. Dropping a ADHD diagnosis, is a brilliant way to get out of the narcissist's embrace that suffocates them becoming instead an unfairly interpreted victim.
@mollycote102110 ай бұрын
Hey Dr C! How are you? How is Gus? Hope your new granddaughter and her parents are doing well! Thanks for another wonderful video ‼️‼️🥰🙏🏼💕👶‼️
@MEL2theJ10 ай бұрын
Thank you again Dr. Carter 🙏
@SurvivingNarcissism10 ай бұрын
You're welcome, again!
@julienatoli856110 ай бұрын
Another fantastic video .. thank you Dr C ❤️❤️❤️ have a beautiful weekend! God bless you Sir. 🙌✝️🕊️
@SurvivingNarcissism10 ай бұрын
Thanks, Julie!
@michellehill71810 ай бұрын
Oh, I remember marbles Dr. C and absolutely loved collecting and playing with them back in the day! 😊
@jimjam89499 ай бұрын
The abused becomes the abuser. Yes I grew up in a Narcisistic family dynamic. Very blaming, shaming and projecting. I get paranoid when I'm vulnerable and can be passive aggressive. That's my fault But.. 2 out of 3 of us siblings have done personal work to try to make change and growth. I'm able to take responsibility for my actions and become more self aware. So is my eldest Sibling. We can be authentic and share our issues and try to be kind to ourselves about our short comongs. The sibling who's done no work can do none of this. We can't have much of a relationship ship with him.
@izawaniek256810 ай бұрын
Thank you for a very supportive and validating podcast. God bless you❤
@SurvivingNarcissism10 ай бұрын
You are so welcome
@snowbear187710 ай бұрын
People often say to women that they are 'just lucky'. I noticed people said I was lucky that I got a degree with honours and a job, and bought a house. They even said things went too well for me and it was time things went wrong. In their own case, their achievements were due to hard work, not luck.
@lindabell294010 ай бұрын
I darn sure better be thankful, my class on, October 10, plus forgive me, only sometimes, for being nuts0, my community, is ,Doctor C, qreat questions,
@prinsessaization3 ай бұрын
"Hey team healthy " 🤣👌
@Owlyuhu10 ай бұрын
I love your video’s. I don’t even always watch for the content but just the good vibes haha.
@POlin-qs1um10 ай бұрын
Life is a Beach! Toes in the Sand with a Drink in Your Hand. Best Therapy ever. After watching Dr C!
@jean-pierrep684410 ай бұрын
Erik Erikson is my favorite
@darinsmith245810 ай бұрын
1. Know it all.. It is more about me trusting myself than trusting others..
@darinsmith245810 ай бұрын
2. Turn into a Narcissist.. I would say that some of those traits wore off on me but i am aware of them and that makes me different..
@darinsmith245810 ай бұрын
3. Competition.. Again this is more about me taking control over me rather than letting them..
@darinsmith245810 ай бұрын
4. Shunned.. It is about me learning the lesson..
@darinsmith245810 ай бұрын
5. Sarcasm.. To me I need to see the crazy and to be honest about it..
@darinsmith245810 ай бұрын
6. Triggers.. This sounds like resentment and my experience is that they never let go..
@marys3379410 ай бұрын
Hi Dr C, I have learned so much from your videos and also enjoy the happy vibes. Hope your dog Gus is well and all of your family, good friends, and loved ones. I am looking forward to the webinar 10 Oct. Hello from Cork, Ireland. 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
@SurvivingNarcissism10 ай бұрын
So pleased!
@amandagish597610 ай бұрын
I'm old enough to get senior discounts but my parents act like I'm 12. I went no contact. Dad calls and wants to talk about what's wrong. He starts out by telling me how immature I am. And things didn't go well. The rest of the family won't talk to him or my mom, mom even says I'm the only family they have. What possesses my dad to think issues can be healed by yelling insults at me when it's them who need me? I sure don't need them and am willing to walk away. Is he stupid??
@zelda12910 ай бұрын
Love your videos. It's helping me understand a family member
@moonglow115810 ай бұрын
Awesome!
@sharynfoster325510 ай бұрын
This videos questions and answers are so helpful. Thanks!
@SurvivingNarcissism10 ай бұрын
Glad it was helpful! This format allows me to know my audience better.
@thetrentmeister10 ай бұрын
Thank you for your work, Dr C. It’s extremely helpful.
@Michael_Arguello10 ай бұрын
43:33 - Very sad. Oh well. Not my problem anymore. I got rid of them all. It’s like the reverse of Pokémon.
@user-uv1vx9xi4d2 ай бұрын
I was thinking I chose to be the better person I chose to forgive the abuser I will not allow them to make me the person I am not I am responsible for my own actions I chose not to be a victim because I chose to move forward I didn't sign up to be miss treated and I won't tolerate abuse anymore sign Cynthia Smith
@karenhope698610 ай бұрын
That ha happened to me with 3 daughters!! Shunning
@begonia354610 ай бұрын
Im seeing this passive aggressiveness is just more than frosting. When you become exausted thats what their intention is to control
@jackilynpyzocha66210 ай бұрын
Perfect topic, Dr. Carter! How are you? Gus? I have to listen to my opiniated, harsh, perfectionistic dad, who expects me to accommodate myself to his unreasonable demands. I give up. I feel better already.
@SurvivingNarcissism10 ай бұрын
A while back I did a video about radical acceptance that would be pertinent to your situation. I'm including the link and I hope you find it helpful. Dr. C. kzfaq.info/get/bejne/a91loriorqi3h3U.html
@GodsChosenMekAmoR10 ай бұрын
Dr. C did a liveeeee 🥳🥳🥳. You are the Doc of all narc Drs 👏👏👏🤣👑. Wisdom is priceless. We appreciate you Doc cause whew this narc keeps conflict going when I’m NO CONTACT! They try so hard to find another way. It dawned on me that He is just walking conflict. Can’t function without it and took all within me not to respond back to the email as the claims and all he said was actually Himself. I decided to read his email again and make all he said about me apply to himself. I then started laughing (they do tell on themselves) Bitter, always causing confusion, loving conflict, controlling, manipulating the kids, intentionally sabotaging the relationship with kids, yelling and always angry etc. It’s crazy when you do not even deal with them and doing ALL THE PARENTING 🤦♀️. Once he brought God in as one who sees all I had had enough. I’m like God please take him on out. 🤣🤣🤣. It’s the audacity for me.
@SurvivingNarcissism10 ай бұрын
This live feed comes on every Wed @ 11:00 Central, U.S. I really like the format.
@GodsChosenMekAmoR10 ай бұрын
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you! All your content is good but when it's live it just is like an extra treat, lol.
@sheilaalawdi59110 ай бұрын
Narcs think they're "experts" at whatever. I showed my narc roommate some crafts I had made including some thank you cards while we were having a conversation and getting to know each other. I asked her if she and I could make a personal thank you card for someone who had helped in the move. I had lots of craft paper, glue, and other items for a nice card that we could work together on. She nodded as I laid everything out and described the stuff. I let her pick out colors and materials and watched as she did the major work. I thought the project was going well until I got up to use the bathroom. When I came back, she was trying to stuff the card into an envelope because she considered the job to be done. Not trying to be mean or anything, but the card she considered "done" looked like a five-year-old had put it together. I didn't know anything about narc but I clearly saw from that time on, her narcissist personality beginning to surface. I know this is long, but the hell she put me through led me to search for reasons behind the madness. Thanks for your site and support Dr. C.
@rosieE12110 ай бұрын
The paranoia over well meaning comments seems to be much more prevalent socially than it used to be, say 30 years ago. Do you think the emotional climate has been deteriorating?
@miraclehands904010 ай бұрын
I have to confront my x npd about a financial matter and I am terrified. H We broke up 6 months ago and I have been steering clear of him. Been healing and restoring however there is this matter and he is with others who will work with him (family). Im in financial crisis. He stole from me and saddled me with hardship. I imagine he wants me to suffer. Listening to you helps somewhat. Thanks.
@julieforsyth616310 ай бұрын
Me too.
@fred.k987510 ай бұрын
🙏
@caroleminke611610 ай бұрын
I ❤U
@sesuoh710 ай бұрын
🙏🏽
@CaptainPhilosophical10 ай бұрын
Do people ever project positive qualities or are projections always negative?
@SurvivingNarcissism10 ай бұрын
Good question. Sometimes, for instance, you could treat others as trustworthy (like you are) with the assumption that the other person has the quality.
@danielkaiser897110 ай бұрын
Yes, positive qualities are projected usually in the beginning after the narcissist has just met someone new, before the other person realizes they are dealing with an abuser. This first phase of projecting positive qualities is called "idealization", meaning that the abuser is choosing to see the other person as "all good", as the most "ideal", the best in the world. In romantic situations it is a part of "love bombing". It is one of the ways an abuser manipulates their target into letting the abuser get very close to them, like instant best friends, or instant business partner at work, instant lover when dating, or instant soulmates, you get the idea. But soon, reality starts setting in and the abuser starts "devaluing" the other person before eventually "discarding" them. Even though the projection of positive qualities seems like a good thing, it is not because it is dishonest and unrealistic manipulation of the other person.
@CaptainPhilosophical10 ай бұрын
@@SurvivingNarcissism your example is what came to my mind also. I was thinking of the word naivete. Thinking people are honest and trustworthy when they're not. Thank you for your response, time, and efforts.
@moxiepooties636310 ай бұрын
When it is upsetting to attempt to contact an aging relative to share medical information, and the response is cold, perfunctory, or just doesn't exist, and you find that upsetting, is it best to NOT contact them and just tell the physician that you don't have the information they ask for? That you are completely estranged from "family"? What do you do when a doctor needs to know immediately who is "next of family" and you aren't comfortable after years of disaffection/alienation with having your "next of family" around? When you're ill, the last thing you need is the stress of a narcissist around making medical decisions for you or being involved in some other way when you have so much unfinished business that your "family member" will take NO responsibility for. Maybe you should say you have no family and just set up some medical directives that leave them out of the picture?
@jonathanwest306210 ай бұрын
It's what I do. If they aren't close to me then why do they deserve to know sensitive information about me. No one says you "have" to have them as next of kin or emergency contact.
@AnnePerkins-po5jo10 ай бұрын
I am in a similar situation regarding medical decisions. It's difficult.
@danielkaiser897110 ай бұрын
The bottom line for medical care is that most everything can be planned out by the patient in advance, but it must be documented (lots of forms to fill out). A lot of people don't do this in advance, so the forms are sometimes filled out by the patient after the medical crisis occurs, IF the patient is conscious and capable of doing so. Without the documents, the person(s) in charge may, in part, be determined by the laws of your state, and this may be the very "next of family" you don't want around. If you don't know where to start, ask a trained doctor, social worker, or hospice specialist for mediation assistance. In addition to the actual medical care decisions, also consider hospice and palliative care services, spiritual practices, and memorial traditions before they are needed. Involve the good people you want involved so they are part of it all and there will be no surprises or conflict later. Legal documents such as a living will, power of attorney, or advance directive will spell out what your wishes are. If you don't want toxic relatives involved, arrange for them not to be involved on the proper forms.
@kathydaughety540610 ай бұрын
Dr. C., this is my younger sister! After years of no to little contact with her, I am co-administrator (along with my uncle) of our father's estate. She is living in our dad's house during the probate, etc. We are 18 miles away from each other and she refuses to pick up the phone to talk or answer a question! She has gone 2.5 weeks without returning phone calls and she missed a meeting with the lawyer! It's not just my phone calls. She will not pick up the phone for my uncle, the lawyer, the insurance company, etc. Then, I'm blamed for going behind her back. 😂 It's so frustrating. She uses the house landline phone and does not own a smartphone. Her refusal to answer the phone is just one of many problems. She is definitely a covert narcissist. She is entitled and expects the estate to pay for all of her expenses. I recently retired from teaching 39 years in elementary special education and dealing with my sister is so stressful. Is there a way to lessen my frustration and stress while dealing with her?
@AnnePerkins-po5jo10 ай бұрын
See the light at the end of this awfully dark tunnel, is how I deal with it. This too will pass and you can get on with your life - without her causing you harm and grief.
@rosieE12110 ай бұрын
This sounds remarkably like the ex narc. I mean the projection.
@heatherwhittaker61694 ай бұрын
Imagine telling your mother that you are being abused by your much older husband...and her responding...Well I can feel sorry for your poor choice of husband, but if you expect me to empathize you are really selfish...why are you ruining my lunch out with you?...
@HRPFayetteville10 ай бұрын
Yeah, anytime you talk to them about something that you don't agree with them. You're a miss, know-it-all anytime. You try to talk to them about resolving your problems. You should go course a counselor to anybody else but your own family.
@catherinepemberton537510 ай бұрын
I had a 2 hour difficult conversation with my narcissistic boyfriend, discussing issues between us. One of them being his lack of empathy . I remained fairly calm on the outside. However, I began shaking just like chills, when you’re sick with the flu or other virus. Is this a physical reaction to the trauma and stress?
@patrickglaser156010 ай бұрын
I guess I'm oldschool... sorry about your lost marbles;)
@danielkaiser897110 ай бұрын
LOL! Good pun! 😆
@SurvivingNarcissism10 ай бұрын
I lost my marbles a long time ago!
@user-vx1eh9nm3b10 ай бұрын
I love tape delay!
@SurvivingNarcissism10 ай бұрын
You like how I use tape?!!!
@user-vx1eh9nm3b10 ай бұрын
Sherilyn Victoria Malloy Olympia Washington State USA
@user-vx1eh9nm3b10 ай бұрын
Yes, Dr. Carter, I am 71 years old. To me, it's still, "tape delay" ...😂
@lynnschaeferle-zh4go6 ай бұрын
Just google it. Then hand the smart one your phone. Then next time say the answer out loud. If it happens again hand them your phone and laugh out loud
@moxiepooties636310 ай бұрын
If a person presumes to be qualified as a "life coach" because they spent a lot of years in therapy, has been diagnosed with a personality disorder, and has self-published a "book", and offers unsolicited "observations"about YOUR relationships at a time when you can't continue the conversation or respond in the moment, what is the best way to respond?
@danielkaiser897110 ай бұрын
I have been in a similar type situation. For me personally, if I couldn't continue the conversation as you described, I would err on the side of politeness, grace and gratitude without any implication of agreement or disagreement whatsoever (such as thanking the person for sharing their thoughts), and then excuse myself to go somewhere else. Whatever happens later, I would deal with the consequences knowing I had been my best self whom "I" am pleased with and proud of, and it's the other person's responsibility to behave themselves properly as well -- even if they don't. I control only me. If the other person tended toward wanting my reaction or agreement, I would use the old "that's a good question, let me think about it and I'll get back with you", and if later pressed, "I've thought about it and nah, it doesn't work for me but thanks for asking." With toxic people who will gossip anyway, the underlying message is a polite but unspoken message that "my thoughts and reactions are private and only I choose when to share them". Hope this helps.
@LinYouToo10 ай бұрын
They are arrogant if they are offering unsolicited advice to you. Anyone who does this is somewhat arrogant regardless of whether or not they have been diagnosed with a personality disorder and or have published a book. I have a relative who offers unsolicited advice to people in our family all the time. I simply say “ oh thank you but I’m not looking for advice right now.” Or “ thank you I’m all set I can handle it.” Or “ I’m not looking to problem solve right now but if I have questions or need advice I may reach out to you.” These are said with a warmth in my tone of voice Works like a charm. Edit I also think people like this tend to think that they are somehow more evolved and capable and might be trying to put you in a one down position as if they’ve already solved everything and they can now “teach” you.
@karenmcmillan462610 ай бұрын
I would say “ oh excuse me, have to run. I’m late for a meeting!” And I’m out of there! The meeting would be with myself, the only sane person in the room, so it’s not a lie 😂
@barbarakelly191610 ай бұрын
"Interesting. I'll think about hat. Goodbye." OR "I know that you want to help; and I'm not looking for help at this time." Important! : Use "and" and not "but". "But" signals to a narc or "know-it-all" that there is room to argue and to convince you of their views. "And" draws a clear line in the sand : NO.
@barbarakelly191610 ай бұрын
@@karenmcmillan4626 Yes! I used to have "staff meetings" in my one-person business.
@HRPFayetteville10 ай бұрын
My husband's funny cause I asked him to help me with my project. My idea, and then somehow it ends up being. He wants to do it how he wants to do it. And I keep having to explain to him that if you can't be my helper and follow directions. And I don't need your help get it. I don't think he gets it just the other night. I was boiling potatoes and apparently I didn't have enough water for him. So without me looking, he goes and pours more water in my pot potatoes. Which I deliberately wanted them. With the amount of water they had, which was not a lot because he uses a lot of water. And I don't I just put enough to cover the potatoes. Or whatever and he does twice as much water, so that's another fun thing. If you have a narcissist husband that cooks, that's it, double edge sword makes things worse.
@keedledee10 ай бұрын
Caroline Strawson says narcissistic abuse can cause brain damage over time. What is your take on this?
@SurvivingNarcissism10 ай бұрын
There is science that supports her.
@siriastridkristensen427210 ай бұрын
🩷
@moxiepooties636310 ай бұрын
What is the best way to respond if a narcissist asks your opinion about which of two sets of clothes you think looks best on them, and you pick one, and they say, "You said I'm fat! You said I'm fat!" Should you just say, "Wear what you like best. They both look good," even if it's probably obvious to them which looks best, too? Is this just a trap you can't avoid no matter what?????
@caroleminke611610 ай бұрын
Yup
@t_nels10 ай бұрын
I know it's completely out of line but you made me think of the IG post definition of a Askhole . 🤭 Not quite the same but same outcome. It might give you a chuckle. 😉
@lynnebucher653710 ай бұрын
It's a trap and you can refuse to be baited into it.
@t_nels10 ай бұрын
@@lynnebucher6537 Yes, best answer! 🤐 🤷🏼♀️
@danielkaiser897110 ай бұрын
narcissist: "You said I'm fat!" me: "Let me know when you're serious about wanting my opinion."
@rozr92510 ай бұрын
09/28/23 I married twice a narcissist. I was abused mentally, physically, and emotionally. Why, may i ask, do I keep going silent when the spouse raises his voice and scolds me for things i did wrong? I actually shut down. I cannot speak. This has happened for years and I'm wondering what is wrong with me? Please help me if you can. God bless.😶
@dianna197910 ай бұрын
Same here. I’ve been married to a narcissist for 35 yrs and I think I do it because responding is futile. You either get emotionally abused, manipulated, lied to, gas lighted or triangulated so it’s just not worth it. I just shut down and then leave the room. Now however, I’m plotting my departure….
@bereal659010 ай бұрын
It's a normal freeze response like a deer caught in headlights. I get this experience with mine. It's because it's a shock out of the blue that they're going at you for literally NOTHING. That's what they do. Put simply they're selfish idiots
@25N7710 ай бұрын
Dr. Carter, I have a more of a request than a comment. It very well may be impossible but here goes. Background…About 15 years ago, my spouse who has lots of narcissistic tendencies confessed that she had a 10 year affair that started with a guy in 1983. I was as dense as lead I suppose for not listening to my gut but that’s another story. I traveled some in those days and worked rotating shifts so my home life was as best chaotic. Here’s my request … I know how she treated me but is there a “model” or a “sense” of how those two interacted when they were together? While I traveled and worked midnights, she would go stay with him and he was at our house at least once. By interacted, I mean besides the sexual escapades, how would she carry a conversation with him? He was her fresh supply but did she keep secrets from him, would she act entitled around him and think she was better than him like she did me? I fully understand that there were no recordings of them and any info would be speculative. I’ve wondered about how they spent their time outside the bedroom for years now. I thank you for you consideration.
@ecohumanism10 ай бұрын
Dr. C, and other people from this community, sorry, I have an unpleasant question regarding the morality of justice, or maybe even revenge. Imagine that there are people who are not actually scientists, but work in science, in state-owned research institutes, some of them are also teachers. And these people, on order, make pseudoscientific expertise to help accuse of treason innocent scientists, who participated in some kind of international collaboration. They work, they are married and have families, they knowingly participate in the bureaucratic machine that tortures and punishes innocent people (to oppress the population and fulfill the quota for catching spies so that some people can get raises and bonuses - that's how I see it, also their actions are against the law) What should await these people in a fair system? What would be morally correct, given that some scientists or their relatives died thanks to their help (there are similar things outside of science too) I would simply fire them permanently from any position where they could harm other people and fine them to the ground and beyond. But it feels like I want to punish them in return
@targetedtyranny466110 ай бұрын
Dr.C what do you do if your being smeared throughout your community, normally I know the best thing is to ignore it,but it's gotten bad,even hurts my career,which I believe was the main goal of this person, there's accusations, I've made mistakes, but most of what I hear isn't true,I've even went to the place and talked to a person involved that proved the accusations were wrong,but it still doesn't matter, doesn't stop people from participating, what do I do?
@angellollar108310 ай бұрын
Thoughts about pastor of church who is in internship for counseling and leading class who says he doesn’t have empathy. Hummm thoughts?
@phyllisfleming724710 ай бұрын
Have you asked him/her to define empathy? Red flags everywhere.
@caroleminke611610 ай бұрын
Rules guy 🤦♀️ beware, be very aware! He’s unsafe for women & children for sure 👩 possibly repressed homosexuality
@GodsChosenMekAmoR10 ай бұрын
🏃♀️💨💨💨💨💨🤣
@pdkonkol10 ай бұрын
Red flag!
@SurvivingNarcissism10 ай бұрын
He must like telling people what to do...as opposed to learning nuances about others and acting as a guide.
@TheLynneSwift10 ай бұрын
Dr C, I was with a narcissist (my counsellor calls it coercive control) for 42years and am now seeking an amicable separation but he is denying sometimes and controlling other times the process. How do I separate my feelings of guilt from the need to look after myself psychologically?
@catherinebailey213110 ай бұрын
Looking after yourself psychologically is just like other self-care: sleep, healthy food, exercise, that you are entitled to as a human being. On the other hand, feelings of guilt are the result of the narcissist's attempts at coersive control. They are not supposed to try to control you, so you don't need to feel guilty.