I keep reminding myself that a reaction is what everything is about, there's no real communication happening.

Exhausting to try to resolve any conflict with them. Their projection, denial, and blame-shifting is unreal and impenetrable. DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME.

The only thing I'll say is: Narcissistic people will accuse a person of not behaving well when you're merely reacting negatively to their bad behavior aka projection. I know it's best not to say anything but heck sometimes one can't help it

Narcissists are very ambitiously lazy in all areas of life.....EXCEPT when it comes to revenge on ANYONE for ANYTHING at ANY TIME. *my experience * Thank you Dr. Carter❤

There is little reason to argue or deal with a narcissistic person. They live in a little world all their own based on lies and a victim's perception. You can not reason with them or change their mind on things once they set a path.

Justice can be seen : Narcissists wake up agitated & miserable. Breathe Deeply & Have a beautiful day !

That last five minutes is where I was for 5 years. I would have done anything to save our relationship. I believed in the spiritual commitment. After nearly a year of counseling; I realized there was nothing I could have done without having a true partner beside me interested in the same thing. I wish I hadn't waited so long to move on. It caused more pain to my teenage daughter and myself than any joy would have balanced out. Years of trauma that I can't get back for her. I'm so sorry for taking so long.

When I dealt with my narcissistic mother, a compliment is an open door to attack me. It was the reason I always tried to stay two steps ahead and cut off attacks as they happen. It's what I called being her whipping boy to her abuse. I have gone no contact but am still getting use to not having to look over my shoulder waiting for the next attack.

I couldn't get away from my narc, but listening to Dr. C has been so comforting. Still not strong enough to leave. Till then Dr. C is building my confidence.

I chatted about "Rules of Engagement" that we have but a narc doesn't. Something I still think about, even long after freedom. Words wound. Wounds take time to heal, if you stop picking.

Any and every time I have tried to discuss any issues with both of my parents, it's shut me down, ignore the issue and change subjects, minimize, shame and blame me. They are incapable of hearing anything that they have done. There's no having any adult discussion with either one of them. I've been hung up on, cussed out, raged on, and when I went no contact.....they told others, "I have no idea why she's not talking to me." Well, really now? I have the voicemails and texts to prove it. My mother plays the pitty party. The matriarch, drama, chaos causing one driving the toxicity. Sad existence for some. I had to remove myself and my grandson from the evil abuse.

They are hellbent on chaos and mayhem!

This is one point that I wholeheartedly agreed with: I asked my narc flat out "why she couldn't accept the fact that people loved her (simply because she is), " instead of slamming everybody who tries to get close to her? Her response was, "that when people say l love you," they only do it because they want to get something from you. Can narcissists be so insecure within themselves that they actually consider themselves unworthy of being loved or is this just a sick mind game to keep the attention focused on them so they can keep getting supply?

Dr. C I'm at a lose. The narcissist in my life is my father in law. He discarded me during an extremely hostile rage fit about a year ago. It happened directly in front of my wife and 1 year old daughter at the time. During the outburst he referenced to my wife as HIS daughter and my daughter as HIS grandchild. Is that truly how delusional these people are? They actually think they have some type of ownership over others.

Smeared through my community, stores,restaurants, they arranged this where I get persecuted everywhere, really heartbreaking people are like that willing to comply,the issues was years ago,they make excuses why they did it,but I believe they just wanted to do exactly what they did,no matter what it was going to happen with this person.

It's forever, they will never trust you again

They have zero remorse when you confront them, and they totally miss the point of what you're saying. I wrote my Narc cousin a letter confronting her on her various insults and accusations, and said I couldn't take her barbed tongue and sharp words any more (we were supposed to take a road trip together). I mentioned that a friend told me regarding her, "She'll never change." And I mentioned in this letter an incident way back in 1964, in which she was 17 and was quite rude when I and my family spent the weekend with her. I told her as we drove away that my father said that her manners left something to be desired. I had to laugh at her reply text, that all I remember is bad things and she hoped I felt better getting that off my chest; that it must've bothered me all these 60 years -- she was completely blind to the fact that I was actually exemplifying that in 60 years, she hasn't changed. She's still rude and abrasive!!

I am an ECE professional and am very familiar with Erik Erikson’s theoretical stance. He is one of my favorites because he looks at the human development from birth all the way to death! It is fascinating and YES, if we are in growth mode and open/flexible, we can remain in a healthy growth mode up until the end!

Honor to share!!! Funny. Loved the marbles. Grabbed my 🍵 ☕️ before this message. It was your coffee cup! DrC Dignity. Respect. Civility.

I started doing narc things by following example, until I realized that what I was doing was hurting other people who in no way deserved it. I didn’t see they were innocent bystanders, and I definitely didn’t want to hurt anyone.

1. Suggestions for the most gracious/respectful way to say: "I am sick to death of you assuming my questions have a hidden agenda. I asked the question because I need the information I asked about." 2. I am 70, my n spouse is 75; I will probably outlive my spouse. In the event that I don't, the n will let our children know, in no uncertain terms, that they (or at least one of them) must become the caretaker, probably close to 24/7. I would like to leave a letter with one of my siblings, giving our loving children (28, 31, 33) a "heads-up" on what to expect "behind closed doors". No physical abuse, just emotional/spiritual/verbal abuse. Our children don't deserve that type of treatment.

Yes, one can pick up those trades. It is a daily battle but if you stay truthful to yourself, you can fight back. I used reaffirmations when I found myself in a one-sided conversation with my ex. He did not talk to me he talked at me. He was not interested in hearing what I had to say. If I tried to give an opinion he would accuse me of never listening and of not understanding anything. In the end, I would just listen. Silently I would reaffirm myself by saying am a lifelong learner. I don't know everything and I learn from others. I make mistakes and that is okay. It was not easy, but along came Dr. Carter’s discussion on the subject, which helped me make healthier decisions in my life for me. And reaffirmed to me that I was not stupid, or crazy. These people drain your positive energy out of you.

I don't think I ever won in any argument with my ex narc. In retrospect, my biggest mistake was in moving into his home. I'd advise against it. Every argument ended with "well, if you don't like it, leave". Plus, he always had to be right. After all it was his house. 🙄

I am beyond blown away, as always, because of the spot on words from you doc! Unfortunately, I could identify with every story that was talked about today, and I’ve learned so much. If it wasn’t for what you’ve taught us, I would think that I was going crazy. I am surrounded by sick People and many narcissists in my life. Almost all of them are family. It is extremely frustrating to interact with these people who want me under their thumb. They are so sick and the problem is that some of them I really love and it is ripping my heart out. This video today was so filled with information I needed to hear and will definitely listen to it again thank you.

My mother's reaction to a compliment was always..Yes I was much lovelier than my children..She meant it...but not really..jealousy is more accurate because of her refusal to allow us to model, though we had recruiters after us...denial of music,dance lessons..Everything she had been given.

I find this topic frustrating. I was married to a person who was a classic narcissist. I have struggled to recover going one step forward, then one step back. My anxiety at times rises up. I have challenged and estranged relationships with the children I had with my narcissist ex spouse. The idea of no contract and grey rock with a narcissist is exactly what I get instead of the narcissist. How did this happen? I wait for mending, but years and years go by. I am still supply for the narcissist aren't I?

Very nice listen to your comments. We learn and think how decades ago we knew nothing about narcissism. We thought that these persons were only neurotics. Hello from São Paulo , Brazil.

Dr. C. I so look forward to Wednesday!! Thank you for this topic! Listening to you has saved me any ongoing pain from my past life with the Narcissust Family Cult I grew up in and married into also. I have had sometime enjoying Freedom and Peace because of you and Team Healthy. But still seem to attract narcissist people, I do reconize the signs now much better than I did. There are so few genuine people anymore, but the ones I do have as family and friends in my life are wonderful. Thank you for helping me to be aware now, and to be able to take action.❤❤❤😊

'Getting Old is a part of Life But it brings with it It's own Compensations' HRH Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

I'm familiar with the catch-22 requests. Narcissists seem to seek these out so they have a win-win situation. What I meant is they want situations where they will always win.

May God continue to bless you and adorn you and your family. Thank you for explaining and educating the masses with understanding and empowerment on how to stay healthy and becoming healthier after involvement with the narcissist. 😊We love you Dr. Carter.

When a mom is competing constantly with her kids, it really sucks.

I cannot wait for that projection video! Thank you, Dr. C!

Thank you for answering my question Dr. C! I am a Mom btw! I have rewind and play to listen again because I enjoy tape delay!! Sad to say but thanks for reminding me that I am not the only one that deals with these family issues! I only have my husband, daughter and Mother in my life! I don't want to talk to co workers about this! Thank you again and i will definitely keep listening to your insight on this difficult situation that is happening to all of us in one shape or form of another! The devil knows he is running out of time!!

She should have said about mom, wow have you changed! Lol They don’t deserve a compliment.

They rotate in a totally different mindset. Perpetually negative. When they have a brief moment of actual elation watch out because they will be lashing out very soon

It's not difficult, it's inevitable and constant and created by them.

So glad you haven't lost your marbles!

Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community from California. Thank you for a wonderful midweek session Dr. Carter. So very helpful.

You mentioned it’s not unusual for narcissists to ramp up their abusive behavior after a death of a spouse. That’s what happened to me- forcing me to go low then no contact just weeks after my father passed away. This has been very confusing to me and often makes me wonder if I’m the heartless person she has made me out to be my entire life. Can you elaborate on this pattern of behavior after such events? Hearing you say this is a common occurrence lowered my heavy guilt and I’d love to hear more about it.

I also deal with a narcissist who can never compliment or praise anyone for their achievements or acknowledge that others have enjoyed something. She turns it back to herself immediately, saying things such as "It happens" or "It's not as good as.....(insert something she has done/experienced)". She will also criticise or ridicule others' experiences, to further her perceived superior position. Pathetic really.

Thank you for covering my question, WOW, I SO SO SO needed this today. You're a god send! Thank you thank you thank you. My mother has been driving me nuts with her manipulation projection guilt trips. She shuts me down, doesn't listen, does faux empathy, nags, questions me constantly or does the silent treatments or just doesn't say anything. Communication is impossible. Your answer makes total sense. You can't know how much I needed this today. Love to you, your fam and give gus a cuddle from me ✌

Thank you for your session today, Doc. Took in your Premier and Live Chat. You help so many. Thank you. My question: when you make efforts to survive narcissism and your journey moves toward healing and you gain a new awareness about all aspects of this insidious behavior disorder, why would I feel sorry for what happened in the child development years that formed the narcissist (frontal lobe). Their unbringing forms them into the unchangeable being they become. I was the recipient of his psychological abuse, yes, I am an empath. And, I now realize the narcissist perception and reality is so different than mine. Should I be feeling this internal push to practice tolerance and acceptance. Like he was born the way of genetically disabled child is to be accepted in the mainstream. Or any autistic person is to be allowed acceptance and accessibility. I think "he couldn't help how he was raised." There is no way I want back in that crazy world of his. I stay no contact. However, I can't help but feel sad about how narcissists are raised. When do we draw a line and say even though they had no choice in their child development, there comes a time, maybe by a certain age, that there is to be no sadness about it. Moral human beings are to be accountable to know right from wrong; truth from lies; practice honesty, empathy, and introspection. Would you say a narcissist's upbriging is not their fault ? Has the narcissist been a victim of their upbring? Where does 100% responsibility of each individual's behavior lie? Is it unreasonable that an Empath would have this dissonance? Then again, I sometimes also just want to be angry because it is all so toxic and unacceptable. I don't want to feel guilt or sorrow for an insecure bully who violates steals, lies, manipulates, and harms. Signing up for your October 10th webinar. Maybe you can share your ideas and response to this question then? Thanks, Doc.

What a great session. Thank you Sir!

thank you so much. you are the answer to my prayers. I thought I was the problem. feeling so alone and inadequate in everything I do, and now everything I am. I'm at my bottom and feel like at 66, I'll never be happy and content. my heart is so hard. my trust level is zero. after 6 years of being with this man, I feel like damaged goods. my favorite word is hope, but I'm just not feeling it. help me please.

Well said, doc. We all have narcissistic traits. It's part of development through childhood and adolescence. Staying stuck there keeps me higher on the spectrum

Amazing their know-it-all profile, for example when having a last minute noble spin to a narrative that harms their reputation, kind of a bear hug that they can't stand. Dropping a ADHD diagnosis, is a brilliant way to get out of the narcissist's embrace that suffocates them becoming instead an unfairly interpreted victim.

Hey Dr C! How are you? How is Gus? Hope your new granddaughter and her parents are doing well! Thanks for another wonderful video ‼️‼️🥰🙏🏼💕👶‼️

Thank you again Dr. Carter 🙏

Another fantastic video .. thank you Dr C ❤️❤️❤️ have a beautiful weekend! God bless you Sir. 🙌✝️🕊️

Oh, I remember marbles Dr. C and absolutely loved collecting and playing with them back in the day! 😊

The abused becomes the abuser. Yes I grew up in a Narcisistic family dynamic. Very blaming, shaming and projecting. I get paranoid when I'm vulnerable and can be passive aggressive. That's my fault But.. 2 out of 3 of us siblings have done personal work to try to make change and growth. I'm able to take responsibility for my actions and become more self aware. So is my eldest Sibling. We can be authentic and share our issues and try to be kind to ourselves about our short comongs. The sibling who's done no work can do none of this. We can't have much of a relationship ship with him.

Thank you for a very supportive and validating podcast. God bless you❤

People often say to women that they are 'just lucky'. I noticed people said I was lucky that I got a degree with honours and a job, and bought a house. They even said things went too well for me and it was time things went wrong. In their own case, their achievements were due to hard work, not luck.

I darn sure better be thankful, my class on, October 10, plus forgive me, only sometimes, for being nuts0, my community, is ,Doctor C, qreat questions,

"Hey team healthy " 🤣👌

I love your video’s. I don’t even always watch for the content but just the good vibes haha.

Life is a Beach! Toes in the Sand with a Drink in Your Hand. Best Therapy ever. After watching Dr C!

Erik Erikson is my favorite

1. Know it all.. It is more about me trusting myself than trusting others..

Hi Dr C, I have learned so much from your videos and also enjoy the happy vibes. Hope your dog Gus is well and all of your family, good friends, and loved ones. I am looking forward to the webinar 10 Oct. Hello from Cork, Ireland. 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

I'm old enough to get senior discounts but my parents act like I'm 12. I went no contact. Dad calls and wants to talk about what's wrong. He starts out by telling me how immature I am. And things didn't go well. The rest of the family won't talk to him or my mom, mom even says I'm the only family they have. What possesses my dad to think issues can be healed by yelling insults at me when it's them who need me? I sure don't need them and am willing to walk away. Is he stupid??

Love your videos. It's helping me understand a family member

Awesome!

This videos questions and answers are so helpful. Thanks!

Thank you for your work, Dr C. It’s extremely helpful.

43:33 - Very sad. Oh well. Not my problem anymore. I got rid of them all. It’s like the reverse of Pokémon.

I was thinking I chose to be the better person I chose to forgive the abuser I will not allow them to make me the person I am not I am responsible for my own actions I chose not to be a victim because I chose to move forward I didn't sign up to be miss treated and I won't tolerate abuse anymore sign Cynthia Smith

That ha happened to me with 3 daughters!! Shunning

Im seeing this passive aggressiveness is just more than frosting. When you become exausted thats what their intention is to control

Perfect topic, Dr. Carter! How are you? Gus? I have to listen to my opiniated, harsh, perfectionistic dad, who expects me to accommodate myself to his unreasonable demands. I give up. I feel better already.

Dr. C did a liveeeee 🥳🥳🥳. You are the Doc of all narc Drs 👏👏👏🤣👑. Wisdom is priceless. We appreciate you Doc cause whew this narc keeps conflict going when I’m NO CONTACT! They try so hard to find another way. It dawned on me that He is just walking conflict. Can’t function without it and took all within me not to respond back to the email as the claims and all he said was actually Himself. I decided to read his email again and make all he said about me apply to himself. I then started laughing (they do tell on themselves) Bitter, always causing confusion, loving conflict, controlling, manipulating the kids, intentionally sabotaging the relationship with kids, yelling and always angry etc. It’s crazy when you do not even deal with them and doing ALL THE PARENTING 🤦‍♀️. Once he brought God in as one who sees all I had had enough. I’m like God please take him on out. 🤣🤣🤣. It’s the audacity for me.

Narcs think they're "experts" at whatever. I showed my narc roommate some crafts I had made including some thank you cards while we were having a conversation and getting to know each other. I asked her if she and I could make a personal thank you card for someone who had helped in the move. I had lots of craft paper, glue, and other items for a nice card that we could work together on. She nodded as I laid everything out and described the stuff. I let her pick out colors and materials and watched as she did the major work. I thought the project was going well until I got up to use the bathroom. When I came back, she was trying to stuff the card into an envelope because she considered the job to be done. Not trying to be mean or anything, but the card she considered "done" looked like a five-year-old had put it together. I didn't know anything about narc but I clearly saw from that time on, her narcissist personality beginning to surface. I know this is long, but the hell she put me through led me to search for reasons behind the madness. Thanks for your site and support Dr. C.

The paranoia over well meaning comments seems to be much more prevalent socially than it used to be, say 30 years ago. Do you think the emotional climate has been deteriorating?

I have to confront my x npd about a financial matter and I am terrified. H We broke up 6 months ago and I have been steering clear of him. Been healing and restoring however there is this matter and he is with others who will work with him (family). Im in financial crisis. He stole from me and saddled me with hardship. I imagine he wants me to suffer. Listening to you helps somewhat. Thanks.

Me too.

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I ❤U

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Do people ever project positive qualities or are projections always negative?

When it is upsetting to attempt to contact an aging relative to share medical information, and the response is cold, perfunctory, or just doesn't exist, and you find that upsetting, is it best to NOT contact them and just tell the physician that you don't have the information they ask for? That you are completely estranged from "family"? What do you do when a doctor needs to know immediately who is "next of family" and you aren't comfortable after years of disaffection/alienation with having your "next of family" around? When you're ill, the last thing you need is the stress of a narcissist around making medical decisions for you or being involved in some other way when you have so much unfinished business that your "family member" will take NO responsibility for. Maybe you should say you have no family and just set up some medical directives that leave them out of the picture?

Dr. C., this is my younger sister! After years of no to little contact with her, I am co-administrator (along with my uncle) of our father's estate. She is living in our dad's house during the probate, etc. We are 18 miles away from each other and she refuses to pick up the phone to talk or answer a question! She has gone 2.5 weeks without returning phone calls and she missed a meeting with the lawyer! It's not just my phone calls. She will not pick up the phone for my uncle, the lawyer, the insurance company, etc. Then, I'm blamed for going behind her back. 😂 It's so frustrating. She uses the house landline phone and does not own a smartphone. Her refusal to answer the phone is just one of many problems. She is definitely a covert narcissist. She is entitled and expects the estate to pay for all of her expenses. I recently retired from teaching 39 years in elementary special education and dealing with my sister is so stressful. Is there a way to lessen my frustration and stress while dealing with her?

This sounds remarkably like the ex narc. I mean the projection.

Imagine telling your mother that you are being abused by your much older husband...and her responding...Well I can feel sorry for your poor choice of husband, but if you expect me to empathize you are really selfish...why are you ruining my lunch out with you?...

Yeah, anytime you talk to them about something that you don't agree with them. You're a miss, know-it-all anytime. You try to talk to them about resolving your problems. You should go course a counselor to anybody else but your own family.

I had a 2 hour difficult conversation with my narcissistic boyfriend, discussing issues between us. One of them being his lack of empathy . I remained fairly calm on the outside. However, I began shaking just like chills, when you’re sick with the flu or other virus. Is this a physical reaction to the trauma and stress?

I guess I'm oldschool... sorry about your lost marbles;)

I love tape delay!

Just google it. Then hand the smart one your phone. Then next time say the answer out loud. If it happens again hand them your phone and laugh out loud

If a person presumes to be qualified as a "life coach" because they spent a lot of years in therapy, has been diagnosed with a personality disorder, and has self-published a "book", and offers unsolicited "observations"about YOUR relationships at a time when you can't continue the conversation or respond in the moment, what is the best way to respond?

My husband's funny cause I asked him to help me with my project. My idea, and then somehow it ends up being. He wants to do it how he wants to do it. And I keep having to explain to him that if you can't be my helper and follow directions. And I don't need your help get it. I don't think he gets it just the other night. I was boiling potatoes and apparently I didn't have enough water for him. So without me looking, he goes and pours more water in my pot potatoes. Which I deliberately wanted them. With the amount of water they had, which was not a lot because he uses a lot of water. And I don't I just put enough to cover the potatoes. Or whatever and he does twice as much water, so that's another fun thing. If you have a narcissist husband that cooks, that's it, double edge sword makes things worse.

Caroline Strawson says narcissistic abuse can cause brain damage over time. What is your take on this?

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What is the best way to respond if a narcissist asks your opinion about which of two sets of clothes you think looks best on them, and you pick one, and they say, "You said I'm fat! You said I'm fat!" Should you just say, "Wear what you like best. They both look good," even if it's probably obvious to them which looks best, too? Is this just a trap you can't avoid no matter what?????

09/28/23 I married twice a narcissist. I was abused mentally, physically, and emotionally. Why, may i ask, do I keep going silent when the spouse raises his voice and scolds me for things i did wrong? I actually shut down. I cannot speak. This has happened for years and I'm wondering what is wrong with me? Please help me if you can. God bless.😶

Dr. Carter, I have a more of a request than a comment. It very well may be impossible but here goes. Background…About 15 years ago, my spouse who has lots of narcissistic tendencies confessed that she had a 10 year affair that started with a guy in 1983. I was as dense as lead I suppose for not listening to my gut but that’s another story. I traveled some in those days and worked rotating shifts so my home life was as best chaotic. Here’s my request … I know how she treated me but is there a “model” or a “sense” of how those two interacted when they were together? While I traveled and worked midnights, she would go stay with him and he was at our house at least once. By interacted, I mean besides the sexual escapades, how would she carry a conversation with him? He was her fresh supply but did she keep secrets from him, would she act entitled around him and think she was better than him like she did me? I fully understand that there were no recordings of them and any info would be speculative. I’ve wondered about how they spent their time outside the bedroom for years now. I thank you for you consideration.

Dr. C, and other people from this community, sorry, I have an unpleasant question regarding the morality of justice, or maybe even revenge. Imagine that there are people who are not actually scientists, but work in science, in state-owned research institutes, some of them are also teachers. And these people, on order, make pseudoscientific expertise to help accuse of treason innocent scientists, who participated in some kind of international collaboration. They work, they are married and have families, they knowingly participate in the bureaucratic machine that tortures and punishes innocent people (to oppress the population and fulfill the quota for catching spies so that some people can get raises and bonuses - that's how I see it, also their actions are against the law) What should await these people in a fair system? What would be morally correct, given that some scientists or their relatives died thanks to their help (there are similar things outside of science too) I would simply fire them permanently from any position where they could harm other people and fine them to the ground and beyond. But it feels like I want to punish them in return

Dr.C what do you do if your being smeared throughout your community, normally I know the best thing is to ignore it,but it's gotten bad,even hurts my career,which I believe was the main goal of this person, there's accusations, I've made mistakes, but most of what I hear isn't true,I've even went to the place and talked to a person involved that proved the accusations were wrong,but it still doesn't matter, doesn't stop people from participating, what do I do?

Thoughts about pastor of church who is in internship for counseling and leading class who says he doesn’t have empathy. Hummm thoughts?

Dr C, I was with a narcissist (my counsellor calls it coercive control) for 42years and am now seeking an amicable separation but he is denying sometimes and controlling other times the process. How do I separate my feelings of guilt from the need to look after myself psychologically?