Just reboot the simulation already, we already know this one is a failure

Why does every damn week in my life end in a screaming fight about missing sperm?!?!?! MAN!

Gerald Kuhshner is totally innocent. That Jared Kushner guy is shady as fuck, though.

But like why does the *military* need to spend money on viagra? It's an actual question someone please tell me a valid reason

As someone who was at the trump boy scout speech, it was hilarious. It's not everyday you see a living meme

Why is the America military spending that much money on viagra? Also I read somewhere that the cost of treating transgender people equals to around 0.01% of their medical costs, so the excuse that it's due to cost is complete BS, not to mention the cost and disruption that replacing all those people, some who are in highly skilled jobs, would outweigh the cost and disruption that they supposedly make.

Hahahaha this is seriously the best thing on KZfaq now. "We don't need to go to the graphic for that" lol

"You do after all have 7 copies of 6 different books on your shelf" im so done XD. Great shit

jezzus, I can't tell if Bill was drunk, stoned, or both.

Some people can't get it... the military is not an equal opportunity employer.

I still chop wood

Well done! Please continue this Cody.

It's always worthwhile to pause the video to read the credits, because they're really fucking funny. However, "trans rights are human rights" preceding a comment about transphobic commenters, was a beautiful insert. I love these videos.

That's about how I feel about it. Also, low sperm count? Probably porns fault.

As someone who recedes into a gibbering fugue when trying to consume news from traditional outlets, I really appreciate this series.

We play the "But what does other stuff cost?" game waaaay to much. Here, I have a better name for that game, "Hey, look over here. So I can change the subject."

As someone who has served for 25 years in the army, I can tell you that LGBTQ people are like any other people, some are good, some are shitty because they are individuals who deserve the right to serve their country just like I deserved the right to serve mine even though I was a woman. I worked my ass off every day and got shit on because I was a woman in male dominated Military Occupational Specialty. There are still holdouts against LGBTQ people but then again there are still racists and a whole lot of sexists in the military.

I feel bad for the kid that was attacked by the crowd, choked out by the police and made fun of by Trump as he watched Like I thought this was a free country as in you being able to do anything as long as it doesn't break any rules or bring anyone harm SMH.

I blame Hentai Haven for my low sperm count.

I don't think the sperm count thing could be related to smoking less people are smoking than ever its probably because of our diets

God I love Cody and his bald spot.

Here's one of those comments you couldn't wait to read. Discrimination is wrong & Grandpa's for the environment!

"You look like the Cryptkeeper's ghost melted". Jesus Christ, Cody. You didn't have to burn the guy to a fucking crisp like that, lol.

I'm still waiting for that random bottle to be left on the desk for no reason.

Donuts are awesome

I'm glad somebody actually talked about the misalignment between Trumps values and the BSA's. Most political comedians have just taken this opportunity to lightly make fun of the Boy Scouts along with Trump

Can we PLEASE talk about the dangerous avocado shortage? It's gonna kill us all!

Some News is rapidly becoming one of my go-to comedy news soothers, along with giants like The Daily Show and Full Frontal. Great work, Doctor Mister Cody!

That might be the best News I ever seen. Good job Cracked.

Trump reminds me of my previous boss, he'd wake up from a dream one morning and issue a new random policy memo that had us running around in circles for a few days. He was diagnosised with Schizophrenia later on.

Um so that whole sperm count thing? Margaret Atwood accurately predicted that...so the Handmaid's Tale is actually happening...*runs into backyard bunker with all of the pepper spray*

You have to be on drugs in order to be a P.E.T.A. Member. Or not be on the right drugs.

The day Cracked gives better news than my local or national stations.

Life Is full of nuance and It seems like we humans have a bad habit of responding to things emotionally rather than objectively and methodically.

My Google assistant went off when he said "ok Google" around the 30 second mark 😂

When he said "okay Google" at 0:27 my Google assistant went off, lol

I'm early, I should make a joke America

#StopWastingMoneyOnHardDicks

hey, people who were surprised that Trump didn’t actually support the LGBTQA+ community, did you not notice that he picked PENCE as his VP?

Headlines? More like Deadlines. Deadlines? More like Deadwhines. Deadwhines? More like Bad Headlines is my favourite news segment ever

Speaking of young people building things...I'm working on a portal to get back to my real dimension where Bernie Sanders is President, the US has universal healthcare, legal recreational marijuana, and an incredible economic boom.

-I mean, it's technically right to say that President Obama WAS a Boy Scout, but it's even better to say that Presdient Obama IS an Eagle Scout.- EDIT: I apologize. This is wrong. He was part of the Indonesian equivalent to Boy Scouts, though. So there's that. For some reason, I kind of assumed that becoming a president was like becoming an astronaut, in that becoming an Eagle Scout was part of the tradition. Still though, Obama is more qualified than Trump to speak to the BSA.

That "Gerald Kusher" line messed me up so badly, I totally forgot the guy's actual name and had to look it up.

This serious is absolutely hilarious. Now can you please fix the desk so it doesn't flex every time he puts his elbow down? Lol

I understand the outrage from the President's decision is perfectly reasonable. As long as someone can meet the physical standards to perform in the military branches I believe that there should be no barriers for these people to serve. Although I think the outrage is a little over exaggerated. After reading a few articles I discovered that there were only a couple hindered transgender people serving in the United States military. Compared to the almost 2 million people that currently are active duty or reserves, this is an extremely small minority.

I love this

If someone is willing to to go through weeks of brutal training, fight and DIE for their country, and is physically and mentally capable then they should be allowed in the military. Regardless of gender and sexual orientation.

At this point in the presidency, I just keep thinking of the film "Putney Swope" and the whole idea of 'don't rock the boat, sink the ship.'

Damn, your lead time on this show must be really long. It came out on like Wednesday that the Amazon story was wrong. The Alexa didn't call the police.

Flip flops are cool

Ah Cody Johnston our favorite most honest & Sarcastic news reporter !

I, Robot is actually one of my favorite movies. I'll never be able to look at Dr. Lanning the same way ever again.

let's be honest we all know that wasn't trump who made that tweet. its way to coherent, must have been one of his "social media experts" trying to get clicks.

A conservative couldn't get 10 seconds into this without pissing everywhere and hating all the comments. I loved this video. Conservatives literally hate facts. According to them, "facts have a liberal bias."

"Wait where'd all that sperm go?" What a name for a segment, I was real worried going in, but it wasn't that bad.

Poor Bill, stuck vlogging from home since his incredibly vile behavior got him fired and shitlisted.

Remember when this was a comedy channel?

Wow! Bill sounds soo drunk. Probably how he can believe his own narrative

It called the cops in response to an instruction to call the cops. "Local woman dialls 999 into a phone and it CALLED the COPS".

lol i cant this is good i cant tell if its a parody or not.

Would it really be all that bad if humans went extinct anyways? I get that we ARE humans, but we already know we can't last forever, at some point there will be "the last humans", nobody says it has to be later rather than sooner. What I'm wondering is whether or not life has any meaning after death, to the individual. If there is an afterlife, what is the experience? Is there really Heaven and Hell, and are they as described by organized religion? If so, not only are most people going to end up in Hell anyways, but who is to say that you even know you're in Hell or not? If the point is eternal damnation, I can think of no greater torture than allowing someone to seamlessly "continue living" (or at least experience it as such) in a world where they have no control over anything anyways, they BELIEVE their "lives" are finite, but each individual day drags on for what already feels like an eternity, and everything around them ranges from mediocre to horrible, but not so drastically as to expose the true nature of the world. Slow and painful torture is much more of a Hell experience than just constant physical pain. And then if it gets to a point where that person even figures that much out, they have no way of knowing for sure because they refuse to kill themselves and the world around them is designed to fool them into believing it is not actually Hell, while actually being Hell and torturing them.

Wow, amazing how sperm counts are dropping yet teen pregnancies are still rising. It's almost like that report was based off some wonky data that's still being reviewed because some things don't add up. Like samples being compared to areas that had periods of particularly high sperm counts, making them seem much lower by comparison. Or the fact that while the data shows some areas are showing lower counts, others are much higher than average. Does this mean there isn't something that's affecting sperm counts world wide? Well, no. There may be some environmental or societal factor at play that's causing lower than average sperm counts in some areas. Well then, is the Human race going to die off!? Yes, but not from decreased sperm counts. Our sperm is fine, honestly we'll roast the Earth first before we'll ever have to worry about that.

I agree with Billy O'Rangly, I'm absolutely positive that Gerald Kusher never held any secret Russian meetings.

Bill acts and looks more like Senator Palpatine with every passing year.

You can't change your gender

That bill guy seems like a real genius. Basing all his assumptions on arbitrary whims. Real solid arguments. On another note, he is protecting the LBGTQ community by not letting them join the army. The army is a dangerous place, people get shot. lol.

Bill's like, "Hey, don't forget about me! My dumbass opinions are still relevant!"

Cody didn't have to actually do anything with his phone. He could have just left it black and had the robo voice dub, and that would have been fine. But he actually hit the button so we could see the Siri sound waves on the screen. I appreciate that.

i cant join becuz i have asthma, I AM A VICTIM!! Where all my asthmatics at?! Lets raise hell and march on the capital!!

holding up a banner ???ß It was an Commi Flag

1:26 had such a perfect delivery I am at a loss for words...

Thanks Cody, you're a hero!

This is biased and wrong!!!

Can we get more After Hours, Leet/Noob and Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder and much less this?

The credits tho hahaha

This series is FANTASTIC. I have no idea how reliable it is but it's entertaining as hell.

Can anyone who disliked give me a reason you disliked? Other than your feelings being hurt

Wait so if the Trans Military ban gets lifted. Does that mean I can be accepted into the Military as well with my mental illness if gender dsyphoria is accepted!? *serious question

I was in the crowd at the national jamboree speech. He was not an embarrassment. Did you not hear the crowd cheering?

I kind of love how Trump's trans military ban tweet came across as a corporate manager sending out a memo to his staff.

"Here's some guy who only has a job because of his brother, enjoy?"

I'm not supporting the ban of transgender in the military however, the military should be far from sexual. You still have to follow military rules and not disrupt for individual needs. You can't demand special accommodations just because you believe you are the opposite sex at heart. If you are trans and want to be in the army, give up your sexual preferences and use the bathroom based on your current physical genitals. Don't fluant that you are transgender, you are there to fight for your country: "country before self". Being functional in the military requires you to conform or else you will fail those around you. Honestly, a ban is ridiculous but I completely understand not wanting to enlist someone because the chacteristics that are brought by their sexuality becomes a hindrance to the men and women next to them.

I can’t believe it took me so long to find out about Cody's news report thingies. Seriously, this is gold.

During his OK Google bit, my Google Now app reacted!

I'm getting worried about the authenticity of this show. I was genuinely surprised when he said in the first episode that he would look directly at the facts and try not to let political bias sway him, but man it is so obvious that that is the case now. I am not a fan of Trump but can we please for a second have an unbiased review of his time in office without it devolving into mindless insults about how stupid the wall is? I'm well aware that facts can be twisted to suit agendas (look at Adam Ruins Everything) and I just want to get my news without having twenty people yelling their own personal political beliefs.

Still salty you lost 😂

It was almost like he was angry when he said "bye!!"

The crypt keeper's ghost melted!! I laughed so hard out loud. Thank you whoever wrote that.

I’m gonna guess phones, artificial sugars, pesticides, and maybe fast food? Idk man. WHERED MY SPERM GO?¡?!

In six months: "I never said Jared Kushner did not collude. If you'll go back and watch the tape you'll see that I said Gerald Kusher. Nice try, liberal media."

Bill O'Reilly knows how to make an argument. Instead of defending Kushner directly like most would, to throw people off, he insults Kushner and makes him seem unable to collude. As a lot of people would assume that O'Reilly would directly support him, his argument seems viable.

Dammit Cody! You almost ruptured my eardrums with your goodbye.

dude, O'reilly was WASTED!!!! lol

This is the One KZfaq Channel where I genuinely laugh. Thank You for some much joy!

I need to reach the levels of this anchor's sarcasm.

Fun fact: The Pentagon estimates that upwards of 40,000 troops can't be deployed due to recreational injuries.

Cody Johnston... for president ?!Hey if the glove fits... then wear it?

This is now officially my new most favourite news source.

Lumberjacks had a really low mortality rate

This was the best episode yet. What an embarrassment to be living in this country.