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It can be pretty difficult for the scapegoated survivor of narcissistic abuse to think of his/her abusers actions towards him as reflecting more about who the abusers are than who the survivor is. And yet, noticing this feature can make this outcome seem much more possible.
Survivors of this kind of abuse have had to make sense of their abuse based on their cognitive development if it started early and because it was demanded by the narcissist and the family system to bear the narc’s abuse - as wholly reflective of who they are. Often, the belief may get sowed at an early age of something like “I am bad b/c mom/dad gets mad at me”. Then as s/he develops he might elaborate on how and why s/he is bad. All of this keeps the survivor in the mode of thinking about his abusers’ abuse towards him as something he is causing.
So, in last week’s video I discussed the process of discriminating safe from unsafe people. I think the ability to think about others where one can think of them, their actions, attitudes, and choices as reflective of who they are rather than reflective of who the thinker is, is a necessary ingredient for doing this.
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