Yes 🙌 it’s just as unhealthy to take responsibility for what you ARE NOT responsible for as it is to NOT take responsibility for what you ARE responsible for!

I appreciated the comment about feeling free to assess another person as we perceive them to be. I've been slowly becoming aware over the past several years that when a person came into my world, I felt obligated (without a felt sense of 'I'm obligated to do this' but as my normal way of being) to see them through rose-colored glasses. Obligated to make every rupture my fault, to assume they knew what they were talking about, etc. I've concluded that I did this in a 'making do with what I've got' way. "Since this person is here, I must make do with a relationship with them, and find a way to make it acceptable." (Which WAS necessary in my childhood, of course.) The reality that I can have a distant, narrow relationship with someone, for instance, because that's the only context in which that person is safe or trustworthy, was foreign to me. There was a ton of ambivalence about that, because I think I almost always saw all the danger signals, and then white-washed them. Slowly the reality would become so glaring that I couldn't live with it anymore, and would have to end the relationship. Being free to have our own assessment of someone else, not for the sake of gossip or attacking but for the sake of making our own wise choices, is a REALLY big deal. Thanks as always, Jay.

The children truly believe they are selfish and frustrating and difficult to be around,when you are a child you feel guilty all the time,I recently find out that the NP projects on their scapegoats their frustrations.Thank you for helping me understand it.

Locked in a closet when my I was no longer her cute little doll...(4-5 years old) I adjusted and put books in the closet and a flashlight..because I knew it was coming... On day she forgot me..I almost was dead when my father came home and was asking where I was... I thought I "gave " her a "nervous breakdown" as she always screamed at me.. To avoid prosecution she went into a hospital and we had to be evaluated...it upset EVERYONE in the extended family...and I felt it was my fault.. She also started hitting me in the head with a large hair brush if I flinched when she brushed my hair harshly...the verbal abuse got worse and worse.. Slaps in the face..yanking me by my arm..always with a psycho look on her face... But I was VERY popular at school and relatives and neighbors...but that made no impression on me .I just thought they were being nice.. You are very good at the analysis and explanation of the dynamics..thank you..

The single greatest flaw in all creation: people having children before they've healed their own childhood wounds. I'll never understand why the gods could be so cruel.

The anger phase is the hardest to release yourself from, but it will only hurt YOU and not them. The peace that comes from letting it all go is supreme. I actually feel sorry for them, but not enough to be with them or speak to them.

One of the most hated/feared behaviours to my Narc parents was a display of critical thinking by me / scapegoat . It would bring about a total raging response and often physical punishment also . I eventually noticed that fear and hate bring about the same response from people . As my earliest memory of my mother is raging and hateful words at 5 yrs old , I assume this was the only way she ever related to me . Lots of slapping , hitting , punching , insults , name calling , put downs and betrayals over the years taught me who they really are . I think in their obsession to teach me to hate myself , they thought they were teaching me to realize how superior they were . Just the opposite was accomplished - such miserable shitty excuses of human beings . They certainly should have never had children . There should be more mental health services available to kids who are living this nightmare at home . Thank you Jay for bringing this type of hidden parental behaviour into the light .

I felt the hostility and contempt. I feel it now as an adult as well. I had no idea of this family dynamic as it is described. But hearing about this dynamic, it explains a lot.! It’s devastating to hear that this happens as frequently as it does, but at the same time it helps to understand what was going on.

When I was a child I used to say to my mother, I'm calling the police so they will come save me from you. And she would say, they'll just put you in a foster home where the people will abuse you and treat you worse than me.

Oh yea, five years old was when I felt my narcissistic parent first shift into scapegoating me....the older I grew, the more I individuated and thought for myself, the worse the abuse got

My mum would abuse me psychicaly for displaying emotions like fear, pain, anger. As adult I don't feel safe and close to people. I feel safe only if I isolate myself and distance myself from people.

Your channel is the only place where I am understood. Outside ppl just shame me for not valuing my altruistic father, both the parents. I'm suffocating inside Whenever I speak my truth ppl judge me or shame me I feel like I'm living in a prison

Yes, going into a relationship feeling it was my obligation to make due with whatever they gave me & not even weigh in on my feelings sounds crazy but a sad reality that I am now working to change----this video & some of the comments so so helpful!!!👍

Thank you so much for your postings Jay. You have been a life saver for me. You are the best 'recovery from narcissistic abuse' therapist i have ever found and i've been in therapy for years. And have studied narcissism for 15 years yet i still couldn't help myself. Every one of your postings are spot on on what we have been thru that it amazes me to tears. Joyful tears. Someone FINALLY gets it! Therapists and Psychiatrists here in Michigan had no knowledge of narcissistic abuse and when years later they finally did, they have no clue as how to treat us. One Therapist admitted to me that they don't even teach it in school. They just skimmed over the personality disorders and never really delve into them. I was shocked. I wished i lived in San Fransisco so you could be my therapist in person. And that's saying a LOT because i don't usually trust men. I relish each and every one of your knowledgeable videos. I'm 57 and got a stepmother at 2 1/2 after my Mom died when i was 9 months old. The abuses she did to me was comparable to the Dave guy in the book "A child called It". Locking me in the dark basement for hours and making me lick my spilled milk off the floor even if the glass had broken, having to eat rotten food, not allowing us to bathe or wash our hair, beatings if we did get caught, are just a few examples. Then i had 2 narcissistic sociopathic relationships, 1 overt and the other covert. So i'm pretty messed up. Left the last one 11 yrs ago and he stalked me for 3 1/2 years. I can't be with anyone ever again. They broke me. I have ptsd so bad i'm on disability. Daily panic attacks and flashbacks, nightmares. I have isolated myself ever since. Covid lockdown was a breeze. During that time i felt so safe. So thanks again for all the good work you're doing for us and helping us figure ourselves out and hopefully heal. I'm so glad that i found you! You're making a huge difference in my life.

Oh this makes so much sense! And I have been struggling with this so much... particularly when people behave badly, instead of leaping to: They are behaving badly. I instead leap to (unconsciously): What did I do to make this person behave badly towards me? I feel I finally have enough time distance to begin to experience this. Thank you so much for these videos, and I hope you are doing well :)

I swear, it's like each week you read my journal before making your video. I realized after I decided to cut myself off from a toxic close friend that I feared what wrath I would incur from her for doing so. It was bad and I struggled not feeling guilty because I jumped into her perspective of me. For a few days I had trouble concentrating on my life because I let her into my head. But I've been realizing lately that I've let others take up space in my head by constantly seeing life and myself from the perspective of others. I am learning to take that space back and when I am able to I can focus so much better. Thanks for this video!

This is SO DAMN ACCURATE ♥️✌️☺️

So much is tied to their sense of low self-esteem. To quote from the movie SPANGLISH, *sometimes* their "low self-esteem is just good common sense."

The shift of seeing myself through the eyes of these types is terrifying... huge mood swings and want seclusion and losing interest in everything and shutting down.

This and the reframing Jay talks about in his book are powerful tool. In the past, it was very triggering and traumatizing when others minimized or invalidated my experience as a scapegoat. Instead of feeling shamed for not getting their validation, I reframed it as 'Is this a safe person I want in my life or to share myself with?' It's much freer, logical, empowering, and sensible way to deal with painful seemingly intractable problem.

Hi Jay, I've noticed that I feel the need to hide my emotions from my father. If I am laughing or having fun and he enters the room, I immediately feel the need to shut this down and be expressionless. Is this related in anyway? He seems to derive a lot of self worth from his "happy family". Thank you for these videos.

Remarkable how similar people's experience, as stated in the comments, is to mine. And yet, a few years ago, it was hard to see that my mother was a narcissist.

I was always wondering why I’m not thinking critically and need help with my critical thinking

Whenever I was hurt my mother always reacted with "Anyone would think your leg was hanging off with all the fuss you're making!" Always spoken in a hate filled voice. I still cry if I suddenly hurt myself, and I can tell you clearly that it's the shock that made me cry, not the pain. Maybe it's still an unmet need from my young years. Seems crazy because I'm 67 years old now. They damage us deeply.

I have so many childhood memories of hanging flaps of skin, infections, you name it and if it was mentioned there would be a tirade about how they don't have time to be going to the doctor. I guess I overcompensated with my kids, and took them too often. To this day I don't know if it was that my parents couldn't be bothered or if they didn't want the authorities to know what really went on at our house. I know most of my life I thought it was just a bother and would be an annoyance if I died. And 'contempt and hostility' sums it up perfectly.

"The parent requires the child to go along with in order to share any kind of reality" Haha it's like a formula. You didn't do what I wanted so you get (insert bizarrness) That's how it can be different circumstances or a different family but it appears to be the same types of pattern. That is why it becomes predictable. That's a solid insight. Thanks

If I can ask a question; during that 2 to 5 year old stage where most children would be egocentrically developing a sense of self under healthy parents a child with narcissistic parents is developing a sense of the parents self, not their own self?

Again, very important video. We pick up so many things we don't realize only if we consciously work on this.

Thanks Jay, your way of explaining really gets me thinking and understanding so much. I can’t find a therapist that can do that for me and I’m grateful to have found your channel.

your videos are very useful!...... thank you.

Thank you for this. This explains why I always self blame. I always say Sorry, its my fault. I grew up with a Narc Mom. I grew up being spanked and scolded everytime Im in pain like headache, bodyache, toothache or when I get wounds from accidents. Growing up is painful with my Mom.

Very Dear Jay, you are so on target here, it's really like you were there in my pre-school days! What you described is exactly how I was thinking as a young kid! I am so thankful for being able to understand now. You are a wonderful teacher, a godsend. Thank you so very much🧡🧡

This was really helpful to my inner strengthening. Thank you 💛

When I got hurt as a child my mother would get angry and yell at me.

This video was extremely helpful. Amazing how Jay can put into words the experiences that are almost impossible for many survivors to articulate.

Thanks for the clarity!!!

I cut my knee open, and mom called me stupid angrily . And kept telling me how much money it was going to cost at the hospital. Along witj constantly telling me to shut up because I was crying.

Thank you so much and you are beautiful!

This video was very helpful!!!! Thank you! I also applied this to EMDR session and it helped to let me change my core beliefs!

What’s so interesting is how each little child responds a little differently to early abuse… for some reason, 5 and below, I had a sort of heavenly clarity. Being thrown naked into cold showers and beaten for not submitting to them (excuse to spank naked)… I KNEW it was wrong and had a red hot clarity HE was WRONG WRONG WRONG. Walking by him in diapers as he was asleep so carefully, I remember thinking “don’t wake the bad man.” Being withheld food while my dad and sister ate as I peaked behind a curtain to watch… saying mmmmm this is so good and you can’t have any because you are bad… and then always offered the scraps… I felt such red hot clarity that they were WRONG and I also knew what they were trying to do offering the scraps and I’m so proud of my little self that I always refused them… which made my dad angry. Same with the burns on my arm from the bottle he pulled out of boiling water and put on my arm… I was pre-verbal and could only scream… but still my emotions and energy were knowing that this was HE not me. And when I realized where meat came from, I refused to eat it (the only healthy loving beings I was able to attach to were my pets, who unfortunately were abused by my dad as well) because I felt for them (of course my family was angry at this too) and I always hope that animals in factory farms have the same clarity… that they at least know that these monsters are in the wrong and they are the innocent to slaughter. The first direct message from Creator came at 5 “you are not part of this family. You were sent here to observe.” And that is nothing I’d learned from the hellfire Christianity I was raised in and we had no tv and only Christian radio allowed. Sadly, I couldn’t integrate that message but it still helped me when I remembered it at key times and really helps me now… but because I couldn’t accept that message, it was with the compounded trauma that got me more and more confused because mixed with toxic religion, that unfortunately further confused me as God was used as a tool to abuse/control me. I was more confused as a teen and even further confused in my 20’s than my teen years than that wonderful energetic clarity I had 5 and younger! I’m so glad I had that red hot clarity and it’s going to be so great to embody it on the daily again! Does anyone else have this experience? 💚

Fantastic explanation, thank you so much

Cruel words hurt.

I feel I can't operate I've been in these relationships since birth

i am so incredibly grateful for your videos and especially this one. thank you, thank you so much--this is the perfect supplement to the very irregular therapy i can afford at the moment. thank you again

This is brilliant! Beautifully accessible and articulate.

Thank you very much for these videos.

So helpful.

6:54 Narc mother: _"you see I hit you but you made me do it, you are so ungrateful son for all my love things I do for you, some other mother would might kill you and any court would make her free because you are so bad kid"_

my narc would say "oh you SILLY girl!" when I hurt myself.....

Hello Jay, I am experiencing hyper-sensitivity to smell...painfully so, prolonged odors such as a cigar smoke, perfume, chemical cleaners exist seem to disrupt my nervous system. I handle toxic people but, i can't handle certain smells. I don't know if this has any correlation to abuse.

Your office is on the same street as my brother's apt. He really needs help.

I hope I was patient enough I lived those others boys like my own.very little they could do to upset me .I'm.going through cptsd right now dievtobkatet abuse from my childhood. Tryi g to keep busy.I dont wa t the kids to k owvits vadvout there.FYI my baby brother put his hand on a jit coil my.kom never took him to thecdr gosh did he suffer o kept on telling her it was bad but I think eve. Though the otoning board was in fro t of ut she had to place blame on.me....I used it as best I boulfmd I'm shocked it dodgo to thebones .I think she knew they try to make it put as abuse. .I live my baby brother I Stoll feel guilty.hes so brVe IRS beyo d rediculous.I know my.molived all seven children but its a lot.I never furgot how quick life happed .my brother said he was mesmerised by that Stovr. I felt like mommy lutyke helper its abusive with dirty I just can't seperate ut all cause they refused to let me have s thought.

I wouldn't say the child takes in that they are bad, I disagree. Have you never seen a child look up at their parent with wide eyes after the parent did something wrong, with those questioning eyes, "what is wrong with you?" and "what was that for?"

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼💐

This explains so much, thank you for your great gift to us. God bless you, that's God I'm asking, not religion or churchianity 🤎🙏

I was thinking something along these lines this morning. And it's somehow related. I called it INDISCRIMINATE ALTRUISM. I was bought up to think I should be nice to everyone, (or feel guilty/bad about myself.) Maybe if I get better at choosing my friends, (safe people), I might enjoy socialising more. I think I used to be a bit un-discerning, and then wonder why I felt steamrollered or manipulated, or just took far too much responsibility, and did far too much on my side of the relationship. (I think the connection is that, ... I thought it was my duty to see things from their perspective, I didn't realise my perspective was valid. I thought 'altruism' was desirable, and that giving up your perspective was a requirement of altruism/generosity.) But indescriminate generosity leaves you open to manipulation. (and abuse.) (I like the idea of every one having their own suitcase. 🙂🧳) And this part is so important too, that "one must be able to think of OTHER'S expressions as a reflection of WHO THEY ARE rather than who the thinker is." 🤔 Thanks again for the food for thought. 🥗🤔