What Makes A Narcissist's Arguing Style So Impossible?

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No doubt, if you've attempted to solve conflicts with a narcissist, you've run into a stone wall of tension. What's going on? Dr. Les Carter identifies that before you even have the conflict, a narcissist's mind is bent toward non-cooperation. They want you to think you're the problem, but as you see through their defenses, you can learn to keep your calm even as they do not.
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Пікірлер: 459

@cassiebennet4262 6 ай бұрын

They don't want a solution they want a fight. It's to dump their toxic shame onto others.

@SherryWilson-dk7bo 6 ай бұрын

So true

@SurvivingNarcissism 6 ай бұрын

You get it, Cassie.

@deanofrock6236 6 ай бұрын

Scary but true.

@schizorap 6 ай бұрын

Exactly, I sometimes should walk away but my Narc is so annoying I can’t help telling her to get lost

@wildhorses6817 6 ай бұрын

The X Toxic husband seemed to slip into dissociation and at times violence. He could then be the most calm articulate person soon after when interacting with authorities. It became too stressful and scary never knowing when he would explode, it did not involve arguments, it was his mind, his delusions, his lies and cheating, living a secret life. What a very sad way to live ones life in older years. Divorcing at late 60's with chronic illness is a challenge but I have a peaceful home, no Dr Jekyll/ Mr Hyde. 🙏🏼

@rhododendrons_509 6 ай бұрын

I didn't walk away to teach them a lesson- I walked away cause I finally learned mine.

@3-DtimeCosmology Ай бұрын

YES!!!

@SuntoryPop927 6 ай бұрын

The lying. It’s hard to argue with a compulsive liar that lives in a world of complete delusion.

@lauracoussens6207 6 ай бұрын

Correct...they concoct a world to suit their own objectives.

@Greenawareness188 6 ай бұрын

True !

@sallyjaynes2433 6 ай бұрын

My Covert lies/fibs/covers due to his traits of narcissistic plus alcoholic moods -- 😶‍🌫️Mind bending

@mrsqueakthecat.8061 6 ай бұрын

My dad and his second wife are like that. The stuff they make up to justify their bad behavior is insane.

@caroleminke6116 6 ай бұрын

The narcissist is the lie

@Teacher369 6 ай бұрын

It’s sad and pathetic, they will take their distorted views with them to their grave. No alternative views. No considerations. No second thoughts. No compromises.

@lauracoussens6207 6 ай бұрын

...No empathy, no apolgies (maybe rarely with a condition), no remorse.

@susanmercurio1060 6 ай бұрын

I thought that my daughter wouldn't change unless she had a personality transplant.

@oceanaoushn8803 6 ай бұрын

@@susanmercurio1060 brilliant joke...yet ..it is so sad....having people like that around

@user-mr3le4hs4e 6 ай бұрын

Yes. It's hard to believe when it's the only parent you have

@tbunnyshy1 6 ай бұрын

Yep. My grandfather did this. His last few weeks of life he was frail and “softer”, but never made amends with anyone. The viewing and funeral was sad for everyone because there was absolutely not one thing positive to say. It was broken hearts with disappointing things to share. I understand why my mother is who she is, but I wish she was a cycle breaker.

@fred.k9875 6 ай бұрын

To argue with narcissist it’s a fruitless endeavour 😮.

@barbarakelly1916 6 ай бұрын

It's fruitless for the non-narc; but fruitful for the narc, who loves pontificating and drama.

@nighredemption 6 ай бұрын

hmmmm 🤔 I wonder what narcissist fruit taste like?

@dragonflymagictarot1180 19 күн бұрын

They don’t even want to reach peace

@oklahomaisok 6 ай бұрын

They argue in circles because they don’t have anything to back up their argument. So round-and-round we go.

@jennyblankenship1419 6 ай бұрын

Yes!!!! Exactly!!!

@optical-illusion9996 6 ай бұрын

“Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.” ― Mark Twain

@SurvivingNarcissism 6 ай бұрын

Ol' Mark...he hit the nail on that one.

@Greenawareness188 6 ай бұрын

@optical-illusion9996 , Thanks for great quote !

@yukio_saito 6 ай бұрын

Thank you for the quote 🙂

@yukio_saito 6 ай бұрын

They think of a compromise as losing a fight. So they become more antagonistic even if it's a subtle conflict. 😮 There's no such thing as a constructive conflict with them. it's always destructive. 😦

@loveahusky 6 ай бұрын

Always!

@acolley2891 6 ай бұрын

Their sick idea of compromise is you submitting to their demands. they will never compromise.

@sandrawamerdam2219 6 ай бұрын

Yes you are absolutely right a compromise to them is basically a loss to them.

@tbunnyshy1 6 ай бұрын

There are passing moments where it feels like if I just have a heart to heart discussion with them, they will see the light. Silly tbunnyshy1. 😂❤️‍🩹

@sandrathomas2893 6 ай бұрын

You are not in a relationship with these " folks" you are in a competition! And if they must win guess who loses??

@aaronkwolfe 6 ай бұрын

Well, my brain works. An argument with one that doesn’t, sounds impossible.

@SurvivingNarcissism 6 ай бұрын

That makes a ton of sense!

@kcl060 6 ай бұрын

Omg, seriously, you have summed it all up in the tidiest of manners! I envy your conciseness.

@aaronkwolfe 6 ай бұрын

@@kcl060 Aww, thx. A byproduct of being a narcissist abuse survivor, I had to learn to say things quickly, before my (now ex) spouse would cut me off, or tell me to “just shut up.”

@debbievoss3496 6 ай бұрын

@@aaronkwolfeYep. I call it the 3.5 sec. Rule to get it said. So how you say it counts. Like be up on a table with a rose in your mouth, type of Flair.

@DrNancyLivingCoCreatively 6 ай бұрын

Agree. And my nervous system often impacts my thinking. Arguing triggers me. A childhood of what you mention, Aaron, hasn't helped. G'day Aaron.

@robshorts 6 ай бұрын

Constantly moving the goal posts and deliberately misinterpreting what I say is the experience I have had with the narcissistic family member. Her justification is that she is being strong and assertive and telling the truth. It's her own version of the truth that can change from one minute to the next to suit her agenda.

@mrsqueakthecat.8061 6 ай бұрын

I have a pair of family members like that. They will not sign a written agreement to anything ever because they will agree to one thing then the next time they talk move the terms of the agreement to favor them even more and act like they never made the first agreement. Give them enough time and the final agreement is nothing like what the original one was.

@caroleminke6116 6 ай бұрын

Alice went down that rabbit hole a long time ago & isn’t coming out!

@robshorts 6 ай бұрын

@@mrsqueakthecat.8061 they keep going on and on, wearing their victims down. It amazes me where they get the emery from to do it and how they think it's a good use of their time.

@mrsqueakthecat.8061 6 ай бұрын

@@robshorts I see it like criminals that put more effort into doing stupid illegal things to earn a few dollars than if they just went out and worked part-time jobs.

@neuesachlichkeit6919 6 ай бұрын

I see you are familiar with their two biggest singles: "I NEVER SAID THAT!" and "I DON'T REMEMBER THAT!" when their doubling-down doesn't suit their purpose.

@carparthero 6 ай бұрын

the most despicable thing about a narcissist is that they know exactly what they’re doing and know it’s wrong and they simply don’t care. narc conversations (especially when you raise a concern) are more like contests than reasonable discussions. you must be defeated by any means necessary. narcs aren't interested in mutual understanding and cooperation. they are only interested in domination, power, and control. cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁

@sandrathomas2893 6 ай бұрын

They're deeply unconscious! It would take a self to reflect and see ones self.

@carparthero 6 ай бұрын

@sandrathomas2893 narcissists are incapable of self reflection. they suppress their shame so they don't have to come to terms with it. after each relationship blow-up, they simply find someone else they can manipulate.

@Greenawareness188 6 ай бұрын

@@sandrathomas2893 Very meaningful insight ! Thanks !

@jeannes.356 6 ай бұрын

Absolutely. Would you mind reading my recent post and offering your thoughts? Thanks, Jeanne

@viviennefuidge2891 6 ай бұрын

I'm not sure these broken people do realize that what they do is wrong. In their mind their behavior is correct and acceptable. You are the flawed one!

@andytyrrell5153 6 ай бұрын

Their constant interruptions and dominance of every conversation to make their opinion, the only opinion heard.

@henrykujawa4427 6 ай бұрын

Early on with my (NOW-EX!) clients, the older guy (the dominant one) would ask me questions, and when I'd be answering, he's INTERRUPT. One day, my momentum in telling a story was so disturbed, I said, "Don't interrupt!" He got VERY offended, and later, while going food shopping with his younger partner, the guy accused me (based on what the older guy told him) that I'd told the older guy "SHUT UP!" Again, living in defiance of reality. Trying to tell ME what I had said, when I was there, and I knew exactly what I had said, or not. That G** D***ed assignment never should have gone past the first 6 months. Prolonged exposure to SICK BASTARDS like that can prevent you from thinking clearly or acting logically. And I'm suffereing for it RIGHT NOW.

@loveahusky 6 ай бұрын

So true, they are quite grandiose.

@Lemana28021989 6 ай бұрын

I can think of several reasons: 1) they accuse you of things and 2) try to force a reaction which will then lead to 3) shifting the focus off of them and their actions. 4) They are not interested in a solution or compromise but 5) always try keep the upper hand and 'win' the argument. 6) When you try to talk about yourself and an issue that concerns you, they turn it around and then it is about them and suddenly they need to be cared for. .... Long story short: It is never about what it really should be about and their style always shifts the focus on whatever may be the most convenient for them

@tbunnyshy1 6 ай бұрын

🎯

@jorjashannonrisinger1475 6 ай бұрын

EXCELLENT! THANK YOU ♥️🙏♥️

@machtnichtsseimann 6 ай бұрын

Seems to be prevalent in general these days. We need to keep a sense of humility in dealing with "them". ( Not that I don't have some some ridiculous narcissists in particular to deal with, myself. ) It's pretty darn human to downplay our errors / offenses, or worse, evils, while high-lighting what "they" do. Sorry, my intention is not to refute all that the OP stated, but to add nuance and personal accountability for all of us to consider. Yes, myself included. Any hint of hypocrisy contributes to greater stagnation in our relationships.

@kimhumiston2686 6 ай бұрын

My sister is 4 years older than me, and I have said for years that its impossible to even have a simple conversation about anything. She would get loud, negative and you would finally just give up out of frustration. It WAS totally exhausting! I had no choice to go no contact after she turned on me when another sibling was in town visiting. I don't need friends or family that cause that amount of tension.

@ladennayoung2939 6 ай бұрын

Yes. You can't interact with certain people in order to protect your life, joy, purpose, peace, and sanity.

@sandrathomas2893 6 ай бұрын

I have a sister like that also. I'm in bed recovering for 2 days after she visits. They literally extract your life force.

@purplecatconfetti3769 6 ай бұрын

Being polar opposite from my younger sister has been challenging for more than 60 yrs.

@dylannaenzo9737 6 ай бұрын

very similar situation here, too. Sister, 4.5 years older always disagreeable and snarky. Exhausting. No contact for 4 years, now. I send Christmas and Birthday ecards, to keep track of her, so to keep my distance. That's it. No big fight, I just never call/email her and she does the same. We are waiting to see which one of us dies first. LOL She's been dead for a long long time.

@youtubeguy8796 6 ай бұрын

My head is strained and exhausted right now.

@loveahusky 6 ай бұрын

If I simply ask, for example: "Could you please close the dogfood bag after feeding so it's not stale?" It's like a bomb went off in my home. He will inevitability state that i am "attacking him...he needs to defend himself, and I am the one who does it, not him." I can't request anything of him without the conversation going nuclear.

@tbunnyshy1 6 ай бұрын

Sometimes my family uses things like this to create an argument. Its a way of “dumping” their yucky feelings onto us. There’s literally no basis for these silly little things. Nonsensical.

@denicehaley9902 6 ай бұрын

@loveahusky, I always have used the similar analogy of it’s a nuclear wasteland after a “discussion “ with my narc “husband.” 😩

@ladennayoung2939 6 ай бұрын

Yes. They are very paranoid. They always act as if you are verbally assaulting them all of the time.

@fred.k9875 6 ай бұрын

If we are arguing chances are it’s a narcissist, if we are discussing its a member of team healthy.

@fred.k9875 6 ай бұрын

@@myhalowithin yes you are so right! I wish the same to you my friend!

@Greenawareness188 6 ай бұрын

@myhalowithin , Thank you for your wise ways . I apreciate your gentleness . Have a Happy New Year !

@25N77 6 ай бұрын

Well said.

@tbunnyshy1 6 ай бұрын

Exactly Fred. ❤ @myhalowithin ❤

@tbunnyshy1 6 ай бұрын

@@myhalowithin Merry Christmas! Great to see you 🤗❤️

@staywellandstrong4199 6 ай бұрын

You cannot afford to be alone with them - triggered to take everyone down.

@michelekurlan2580 6 ай бұрын

"They can become animated in their tone of voice" "Animated"..that's precious, Dr. C. Lol..PERFECT

@sandrathomas2893 6 ай бұрын

Yeah ...like Chucky 🤣

@tbunnyshy1 6 ай бұрын

THIS is what I deal with all the live long day. 😂 I am just learning to stabilize around their abrupt laughter and whimsical voices. Even the loud slamming doors and cabinets no longer have an effect. It took years of practice.

@tbunnyshy1 6 ай бұрын

@@sandrathomas2893True that! 😂

@wildhorses6817 6 ай бұрын

Animation plus dyregulation at times leads to Assault which they then deny when facing any consequences. Excellent Liars.

@Daysleeper1000 6 ай бұрын

I despise my argumentative, delusional and oppositional grandiose father. He makes my skin crawl. He prides himself with playing devil's advocate, and lectures instead of having a conversation. He's so thin skinned. Now, I look at him and tell him " I'm not taking the bait" and walk away.

@henrykujawa4427 6 ай бұрын

"Devil's Advocate" -- my (NOW-EX!) younger home care client would drive me up a wall when he'd want to argue about everything, but especially, when he would admit he agreed with me but STILL wanted to argue the opposite side anyway. He just LOVED arguing! No wonder he was the "flying monkey" for my (NOW-EX!) older home care client-- for 40 YEARS. Apparently, all they ever did was argue.

@kdphotos4691 6 ай бұрын

Yes, I learned that those who "play Devil's advocate" should be avoided. You have to ask why they're playing that game at all unless it is a classroom setting and a lecturer presents an alternative view to be discussed. In a social setting, it's simply being an energy vampire.

@amandaliverpool3374 6 ай бұрын

You can't reason with unreasonable behaviour!!!

@caroleminke6116 6 ай бұрын

A quart short or missing a few bricks in the upper story not too mention the foundation…

@amandaliverpool3374 6 ай бұрын

@@caroleminke6116Absolutely. Or, a sandwich short of a picnic 😂

@reagananderson2400 6 ай бұрын

My narcissistic dad gets easily offended by disagreements

@acolley2891 6 ай бұрын

How dare you disagree? It's ok you can disagree😊 but arguing with them is futile. Set boundaries and avoid him. Don't make his problem your problem cause it's not about you! (Even though he probably says it is.) "Observe Don't Absorb" is a good thing to remember. Let their insults roll off like water on a ducks back.😂 🦆 God bless!❤

@sandrathomas2893 6 ай бұрын

You mean if you don't agree with him..... They're perfectly happy if you adore them and agree with them! And you're safe if you do.

@caroleminke6116 6 ай бұрын

My way or the highway 😊 I took the highway years ago & never regret the no contact

@mrsqueakthecat.8061 6 ай бұрын

Same with mine. He'd rather destroy his and everyone else's lives around him than admit he is wrong about something so obvious it is just dumb.

@reagananderson2400 6 ай бұрын

@@acolley2891 💖💖💖🙏🙏🙏🤗🤗🤗Thank you!!!

@thegodblogger3812 6 ай бұрын

The biggest insult to a narc is when you cut off access completely. It kills their program.

@ThisIsMe155 4 күн бұрын

Indeed!! 💯

@anautisticsguidetotheunive4109 6 ай бұрын

Lol "You can't talk to a drunk about their drinking while they're drunk" and you can't talk to a narcissist about...anything...ever!

@ZenZone-li4fr 6 ай бұрын

Every word uttered by Dr Carter is worth its weight in gold! Thank you Dr Carter. 💫🕊💜🙏🏻

@tbunnyshy1 6 ай бұрын

Literally 🎯❤️

@Greenawareness188 6 ай бұрын

@@tbunnyshy1 , Are you okay ?

@tbunnyshy1 6 ай бұрын

@@Greenawareness188 Getting by and staying mindful. Thank you for asking. 🫂 I hope you are doing very well. ❤️

@schizorap 6 ай бұрын

Indeed

@jenniferpollock7677 6 ай бұрын

Thank you Dr Carter for everything you do!

@irishmclass2042 6 ай бұрын

My narc sister is 78, a widow, and just argues for the sake of arguing! I call her on it, and she just laughs. I get quiet and say nothing more. Dr, everything you point out about Narcissistic people is so true! She is 8 years older, my only sibling, and when I was born, it ruined her world and she has let me know it ever since! She lives 2700 miles away from me, and is dying to have me move near to her (she says 15 minutes away!). No thanks!! She is always right, 1000% of the time. I let her chortle away…no comment.

@shaneerasmus2591 6 ай бұрын

Government will be 15 minutes away think about that everyone !

@cynthiahurlburt2819 6 ай бұрын

You are wise not to relocate. I did before I learned about narcissism, and it was a disaster . Lies,fit rage,silent treatment , name calling,smear campaign,etc. I had to go no contact, and I moved back home across America. I am at peace and will not tolerate not being disrepected by others.I am the door, not the doormat. ❤

@Marsha842 6 ай бұрын

My Dad dumped his hatred towards mother and others on me all of my life and did it 3 days in a row recently. I think I am right to put some space between us and the rest of the toxic family so I can heal.

@SurvivingNarcissism 6 ай бұрын

Simply put, you don't need to be a receptacle for hateful abuse.

@jeannes.356 6 ай бұрын

@@SurvivingNarcissism Hi Dr. Carter, I often feel trapped as I am financially dependent on my narc mom. She always finds ways to make me do things, and if I say it makes me anxious, she threatens to cut me off. I’m an adult, with health issues. I stay away from her, but I still have to write “progress reports” now for her. If I don’t, she said she’ll take away my caregiver. She doesn’t even care about my well-being. Screamed at me constantly after brain surgeries. Like soon after. Her son is her golden child. The son who never even spoke to me since before my surgeries. She treats him so well and with respect. Any advice would be so appreciated.

@harmonizedigital. 6 ай бұрын

The truest form of narcissism is not self-love, but rather the obsession with one's own importance-a craving for admiration and a willingness to exploit others to satisfy that craving. - Roxane Gay

@graveyardghost2603 6 ай бұрын

My sister is just 1 1/2 years older than me, but that's enough to make it where she is always right and always above me. I seem to irritate her anytime I open my mouth, no matter what I say!

@SurvivingNarcissism 6 ай бұрын

Which is why it's a good idea to be separate!

@graveyardghost2603 6 ай бұрын

@@SurvivingNarcissism yes indeed, I am no contact with her and loving it :)

@blen740 6 ай бұрын

I'm four years older than my narc (been together all of our lives!), yet every time somebody gets angry with me she always takes their side and tells me what I did wrong to hurt them. I've never hurt anybody in my life on purpose. She should know that, but any chance she gets to humiliate me, she doesn't hesitate to use it.....

@philpeterson7182 6 ай бұрын

In my experience with a family member who is a narcissist, he's either a liar or delusional and he projects his own bad behavior on others. There is no "winning" an argument with him. The only way my parents and I were able to deal with him is to continually crush him in court and hearings. After 6 lawsuits against my parents and me, I haven't heard from him (through attorneys) in 8 months. Narcissists are cancer that's best cut out of your life.

@maryswanson9982 6 ай бұрын

Sometimes, all you can do is walk away. For good. For yourself.

@davidbonar5190 6 ай бұрын

they do not accept conditions (things like facts and evidence) where they could be wrong...

@tbunnyshy1 6 ай бұрын

Exactly 🎯

@michelepascoe6068 6 ай бұрын

When I was traumatised in relationship with my mother, living close by and full of fear and confusion, I don't think I could have learned to be calm and assertive. I needed several years away from the torment, learning what it was all about and learning to detach emotionally and calm myself. Now I feel confident that I could face the flying monkeys calmly (my mother died). But also, I have no desire to see them and certainly not to please them any more. I begged for so long, but I don't even want to be with them now. I have a new life with kinder people. I learned that bullies can't be persuaded and I don't really care what they think of me any more.

@user-fq8su2zj3k 6 ай бұрын

They want you to argue..nope

@vivianriver6450 6 ай бұрын

Arguing with a narcissist, the rule is simple: They win. You lose. Don't play that game!

@zachscully 6 ай бұрын

Good reminder of their disrespect, and to maintain a place of peace from which to respond to their communication, if and when it’s in a manner and time that is most healthy for me.

@professorwiggins3290 Ай бұрын

"I don't like it when you say that, mom." "Say what?" "What you just said 10 seconds ago." "I said something to you?" "Of course, mom, when you lie like you did to me, now 20 seconds ago, I hate it." "You rate it?" "No, I hate it." "Skate bit?" "Mom, your hearing aids are working fine. We were just now talking and then you lied again." "Ride a bin?" "Mom, this drives me crazy when you do this, we were having a conversation and you said something untrue again and you were understanding every word I said, as soon as I confronted you, you pretended you couldn't understand." "What did I do?" "You said something untrue." "I did?" "Mom, you know you did. You know that I know and you don't care." "I didn't say anything to you." "We were just talking, mom." "We were?" "You know we were!" "I just have dementia, honey, I don't know what I'm saying anymore." It can really depress you.

@ChristineHerbert-cn2mi 6 ай бұрын

On Christmas Eve I went out to dinner with two people that I don't know too well. One of them began talking politics and became very angry and animated when she realised that we didn't agree with everything she said. She dominated most of the evening and both myself and the other lady agreed with the Narc for part of the time. This was mainly to pacify her, in the hope she would calm down. We drew a line when she wanted us to totally agree with what she was saying. I was started to feel drained and in desperation said "But I don't care" and that "I have no interest in politics". I held my ground and repeated this a few times, she responded by getting up from the table paying her part of the bill and leaving the restaurant! As she walked past us she said "You won't shut me up" Phew!!!! I will avoid this person like the plague. I have a lot of experience with people with narcissistic traits and feel that I should have removed myself from the abuse much sooner, but it slowly creeps up on you and before you know it the Narc is sucking the life out of you. Thank you so much Dr. C.

@tiredofit4761 6 ай бұрын

I used to try and argue but have learned to walk away saying nothing. My narcissist will even try to pick up same argument later and I will still walk away.

@pamelamoore6239 6 ай бұрын

The confusing part is that sometimes she is generous and even kind. I believe this person is a histrionic with a high degree of narcism. I love this person, but know she will never change (she's 79). It's so sad she's stuck.

@kevinhaney293 6 ай бұрын

My wife usually starts with personal insults, followed by recriminations, and then shaming. Any reply that I have is interrupted, followed by badgering. Next up is mocking, and attacks on my basic character or interests. Her tone is always aggressive, harsh or imperative commands. Actually, now, I avoid conversations with her as much as possible. Basically she is a very mean person but strangely sees herself as a wonderful Christian woman. I wonder what Christ would say to her in the midst of her verbal assault.

@denicehaley9902 6 ай бұрын

I would assume, “Peace be still.” And, wives are to honor their husbands. I have the same, but with my husband. Very draining, exhausting, and grievous sin in His eyes since we’re to be one.

@user-mr3le4hs4e 6 ай бұрын

Thank you so much for your content 🙏🙏 You are explaining everything in a way which gives an explanation to the very gasligting and confusing behavior of the narcissist. It is very difficult to accept the fact that a mother is exactly all this. Even if I've seen it for 40 years. Still hard to understand the meanness. My mind wants to think "she is my mother, she can not want bad for me. She can't be happy and content about my sadness. She can't be cruel towards her own daughter ". Even when the behavior is exactly that. It's sad and a struggle to understand.

@t_nels 6 ай бұрын

You are not alone. 🫂

@user-mr3le4hs4e 6 ай бұрын

@@t_nels 🙏🙏🙏

@mrsqueakthecat.8061 6 ай бұрын

@@t_nels We are legion, for all the wrong reasons. 😋

@t_nels 6 ай бұрын

@@mrsqueakthecat.8061 I would think the opposite, that they are legion. I don't know the statistics. I am grateful to have Team Healthy.

@bonnielewin8520 6 ай бұрын

Exactly what I have lived through and have come to accept as the truth about my mother, sister and brother.

@I.M.SofaKingdom 15 күн бұрын

A narcissist is someone who will wake up everyone in the house to tell them he's going to bed .

@SurvivingNarcissism 15 күн бұрын

That made me chuckle.

@nancytwigg4631 6 ай бұрын

They are emotionally disturbed with little peace and contentment. Never match pitch. Be brief, assertive, and behave in line with your goals and values. Stay away, and don't engage. Set stipulations for future encounters. Know what you are dealing with. Stay true to you. You deserve respect and peace. As always, thanks, Doc.❤

@jennyblankenship1419 6 ай бұрын

OMG YES YES YES!!!! Now I understand why even simple discussions would go off the rails! He would say “my opinions is just facts” meaning I was clearly wrong. It was infuriating! Thank goodness I finally broke free of that toxic relationship.

@queenoftemplar 6 ай бұрын

Merry Christmas !! 🎁

@SurvivingNarcissism 6 ай бұрын

Merry Christmas!

@Greenawareness188 6 ай бұрын

Thank you Dr .Carter . I really need education and coping skills for their insidious ways .

@SurvivingNarcissism 6 ай бұрын

Keep leaning forward...I'm glad to be on the path with you.

@virginiarowe4204 6 ай бұрын

Thank you Dr. C, I just divorced my Covert Narcissistic husband after 39 years. Now I’m trying to deal with my adult kids, the issue is that my husband and kids also have ADHD. I always thought it was only the ADHD that I was dealing with but now everything makes sense. I feel like a survivor. Just haven’t found a therapist that deals with both. Still searching for ways to help my kids and myself. Thank you for all that you do.

@sandrathomas2893 6 ай бұрын

Living with a brain in fight or flight flooded with cortisol causes brain fog and confusion; trauma brain. ADHD is often diagnosed when you don't know you're living in a narcissistic abuse cycle and your nervous system is wrecked and your brain is literally damaged.

@Gloria1113 6 ай бұрын

About to “celebrate” 40 years with mine. You give me hope that there’s a way out. Don’t know what it is yet.

@sophies_poppin 4 ай бұрын

Or they say things like “you should be grateful I’m even doing this for you”

@areyeh4979 6 ай бұрын

Dealing with them makes you questions your sanity!

@Elephantintheroom-be7he 19 күн бұрын

Because people like that know how to pitch the ball, but they can’t catch it… when you first figure out that they know how to give it, but can’t take it,… you should start the process (immediately) of getting the hell away from them permanently.

@jonathanwest3062 6 ай бұрын

Never argue with a fool, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Got it. Thanks Doc.

@digibrett 6 ай бұрын

I appreciate how you discuss narcissistic behavior more broadly where as most therapists discuss narcissism more situationally in the context of intiment relationships.

@arielalejandro6900 6 ай бұрын

Wow Sir I've learnt so much from your videos and feel so good after years of years of dealing with a narcissist coworker I can't avoid deal with... Thanks Dr. C

@gracieambrosio4967 6 ай бұрын

Narcs are always playing the Saint, the Victim.

@blen740 6 ай бұрын

Yes, they can certainly put a spin on things that will have others believing that they're the victims. My narc was good at using the "silent treatment" to make people apologize for the things she did to them. Decided not to fall into her trap this year. I'm not about to help her display her phoniness for all the world to see.

@theresagygi7629 6 ай бұрын

Dr. C. I truly appreciate your videos and have been watching for years. A counselor told me this line in regards to mine: "He is a fight waiting to happen".

@SurvivingNarcissism 6 ай бұрын

Good, succinct summary.

@michellehill718 6 ай бұрын

There's is absolutely no end to their constant illogicalness! It can go on and on and then some more! It's really deep, Dr. C! Reveals so much more about them than about us! Funny not funny.😊

@arsenelupiniii8040 6 ай бұрын

They have to be right, rather than happy. That is all there is to it.

@christopherperdue3334 6 ай бұрын

All of this perfectly describes my boss. I have worked for him for 25 years and have learned to laugh behind his back (never to his face) about it.

@blen740 6 ай бұрын

Sometimes that's all you can do! Confronting him to his face is only going to hurt you, because he'll never understand what you're upset about to begin with...

@christineebbinghaus9433 6 ай бұрын

I love the wisdom in Scripture (Deuteronomy 2:3): You've been going in circles in these mountains long enough; go north. This is what it's like trying to have any conflict or discussion with a narc. You cannot win because they will not back down or ever see your point of view. Go north!

@wigologywithvalerie1450 6 ай бұрын

Thank you🙏perfectly articulated Dr.Carter👌it’s so hard for a lot of us to understand what’s happening until it hits a quite abusive pattern and it’s actually taking a toll on your sanity.Thank you for these informative videos!Im so grateful you make them..I love your opening music.I simply line dance wherever I stand or get up and do it wherever I’m sitting 😂❤😊👋🏽👌💯

@sage9836 6 ай бұрын

This helped my realize that trying to talk to a narcissist I would always try to converse in such a way that they would not find that one tiny thing to jump all over and cue the flying monkeys to laugh. (Like saying something was mauve, and getting "That's PINK. Har! har! Har! You are just so cute, honey.") You practically can't talk. ("That's MIST honey, it's not FOG! Har har! Now, what were you trying to say? ) And forget sharing that funny story when you made a mistake and learned better. You walk in to share and connect, but they got that red grading pen ready! The smackdown was ready.

@douaa1934 6 ай бұрын

Happy Holidays Dr. Carter and team Healthy 🎁🎄🏆

@Greenawareness188 6 ай бұрын

@douaa Have a Happy New Year ! I am glad you are here !

@tbunnyshy1 6 ай бұрын

Happy Holidays Douaa! Good to see you ❤🎉

@amandaliverpool3374 6 ай бұрын

Same to you dear 🫂❤️

@qybbarrett9283 6 ай бұрын

you know, listening to your videos have helped me sooo much to understanding the relationship i just let go. I was dating a undercover Narc. No rational discussions EVER EVER EVER. Yelling for an hour straight at the top of his lungs, blaming me and turning the issue on me and never focusing on the issue but keeping the argument going on something entirely different that i would be so mixed up, head swimming, heart throbbing, stomach churning, ears arching that i would just say forget. your a godsend. After the 3rd time after I shared how it made me feel and we are not getting anywhere. I ended it. The rejection I felt pain all over because we could never resolve issues. and he was up set I sent him on his way to terrorize someone else. lol Chicago Love

@s.s.8029 6 ай бұрын

I am working with this type of narc right now. I had a 4 month break from it while I was student teaching. Once I get certified to teach, I will have other options and would not necessarily need to stay in the job. The demands are ridiculous, but my boss always wiggles her way out and rewrites the story to make herself look better. Being verbally assertive doesn't work, so my co-worker and I just do what we need to and can do. I've already walked away from toxic family and will have better job options in the near future. Thank you for this video.

@sandrathomas2893 6 ай бұрын

They don't understand that our emotions are something we experience. They embody their emotions; they shape their perceptions.

@vtmegrad98 6 ай бұрын

This summed up my entire 8 year marriage.

@KC-sb2sm 6 ай бұрын

My experience with them is whatever you bring up must have irrefutable evidence, but you have absolutely no right to question their statements in any way.

@nighredemption 6 ай бұрын

Here's a personal example. Both of my family are narcissists. One of my family members bought a $2000 dollar bedroom suite. The other family member wouldn't allow them to bring it into their house. So, they put it in a storage unit. One of them asked me if I wanted it. I said no because I already have one. They got upset and threw their tantrum and yelled, "No one wants to be happy with what I give them." I asked them, "Well why didn't you just put it in the house anyway? It's very expensive!!!" Their response, "Because I gave it away!" I'm sitting there dumbfounded. Why in the world did you ask me if I wanted it if you gave it away? And why would you put something that expensive in a storage unit? The point is, I could probably spend hours trying to understand their circular logic. Arguing with them is impossible!!!

@Xaxtarr_Neonraven 5 ай бұрын

They're perfect. You can't change or fix perfection. If their perfection comes into conflict with facts, with reality or with others; then, quite simply, facts, reality and others are wrong. There is no compromise with infallibility; therefore, there is no reason to change, learn, grow, get along or cooperate. "Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them." "Never argue with a fool. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience."

@fred.k9875 6 ай бұрын

One thing just crossed my mind want share We can not force a system beyond its capabilities We cannot expect from narcissists the very things that they are not capable of providing to themselves . It’s futile thinking to force, narcissists can even malfunction further deeper into narcissistic characteristics.

@annemariepeterhoff7261 6 ай бұрын

I love my husbands latest one. After he ate my leftovers from my birthday dinner the night before he insisted he threw them out because their was only a small piece of steak and the lobster claw had nothing in it! This was on Christmas eve afternoon it resulted in a long argument where he was once again the victim in the end. Just to let everyone know he had his own leftovers from the night before he ate them to! He is truly beyond redemption. 😅

@mida2202 6 ай бұрын

"You can't afford to match pitch." - great image (singer here, trained 5-10hrs a week for 4 years). I really appreciate this image and context. Your work is sometimes sobering and emotionally difficult, yet so empowering and validating. Thank you for your work. 🌈

@dixsigns1717 6 ай бұрын

Don't forget the "word-salad" it drives me crazy!

@schizorap 6 ай бұрын

It is bizarre

@robertacolarette1594 6 ай бұрын

Dr. Carter is sooo enlightening. He’s absolutely right on. In a situation I am familiar with if the “deck is stacked against me in a discussion” that means I can’t even ask a question without an exasperated, dismissive response from the Narcissist. Extremely frustrating.

@25N77 6 ай бұрын

Well I’m sorry all of you have so much trouble and difficulties arguing with your narcissistic relationships. I don’t! Every time she starts to argue with me, I successfully discuss my side, she apologizes deeply, sees her faults, repents and fully loves me again. After such a heart warming experience, we take our two pet unicorns for a walk.

@SurvivingNarcissism 6 ай бұрын

Genius!

@Greenawareness188 6 ай бұрын

@Otwobe , Thanks!😀

@denicehaley9902 6 ай бұрын

😂🤣

@JanetWinans 6 ай бұрын

Thank you Dr.Carter..i agree and have witnessed every word you say here..Thank you so much

@tristahaydon5647 2 ай бұрын

My father will start to raise his voice when he's frustrated with me especially when I'm learning something new and making mistakes. If I get frustrated with his constant criticism and exhibit that frustration he automatically switches to accusing my emotional reaction for causing him to speak to me in the disrespectful manner that he had been speaking in the first place. It's incredibly maddening.

@francesbernard2445 6 ай бұрын

Which narcissist? Is there any narcissist at all there? Which battle to pick arguing in? Sometimes there is no easy answers when an debate might end up taking way too long for coming to a close. When that is a healthy professor offering a formal lecture that is easy to know how to behave there. At other times sometimes I am left wondering what clue to advance my thoughts to a higher plane on the same plane as they are after being granted the opportunity to be included as the only person in the audience during their interview process at the time. There is a big difference between dialoging with your other team mates; spending time with your family members and not wanting to waste your time with someone who is often overriding your all of your day to day decisions from how many creams for your coffee you want there and how many creams for your coffee to take home with you and how much closer the 2 of you are going to sit at the table together duiring COVID-19 World Health Organization recommendations we want to follw ourselves too despite that controller - blah blah blah. At that point you move on. Not anything to worry about.

@Alice-fr1ef 6 ай бұрын

Arguing also gives them a chance to put one down even more than they have already done. They will control the whole conversation and then end it when they want to end it. Thank you Dr. Carter for some very valid points we all need to ponder. I hope everyone has a very Happy New Year full of lots of Peace.

@Marz5004 6 ай бұрын

I appreciate all of your clips. Very helpful. Now I understand thst crazy man I was married to and put up with for 10 and 1/2 years. I divorced him eventually. Now he continues to be my nieghbor, nomatter where I move to.

@humblehomebody6931 6 ай бұрын

My mother seems to be the classic overt toxic narcissist. I swear, my entire life, I'd hear her argue or debate, and she could be without any doubt, clearly in the wrong, all evidence supported her being wrong. Yet, without fail, by nothing less than magic, she would win. My dad was a pedo and she was a teenage mom, so there was a trauma bond I only recently discovered. It's painful but more so empowering to sit back and see the past with clearer vision. We are the total sum of our experiences and perceptions of those experiences. To have real compassion for the narcissist is a good sign of healing, I think. The damage they do.

@blen740 6 ай бұрын

Unfortunately, I haven't gotten to the point where I can truly have compassion for my narcissist. I love my sister (and always will), but I struggle to forgive all the things that she has done! But I know that I'll get there; for this I am constantly in prayer. Overt narcissists are possibly the worst people there are on this planet. They're never wrong, they know more than anybody else, and they think that the world owes them obedience simply because they're here......❤.

@user-lo7xz2bd5m 6 ай бұрын

Thank you so much for this insight Dr. C. I was able to walk away from a potential friendship once I caught onto the narcissists patterns. I continue to ignore red flags in hopes that I am just overanalyzing things. Can't take no for an answer, entitled to my time, stepping right through my boundaries, and bombarding me with their opinions with little to no regard for my own. I've felt the tension or, gut feeling, when with this individual. This has been empowering, especially during these turbulent times. Again, a big thank you from me here in Northern TX.

@wifferstess2824 6 ай бұрын

It took me a while to understand how immature and underdeveloped that other person is. Don't forget that they also restate any common rationales in their way. My favorite one is: "you will never be respected if I don't feel respected by you". Of course, respect is how THEY define it and how it applies only to them.

@michaelwhite3009 6 ай бұрын

Wow. Dead on word for word. …and mom constantly argued that I was argumentative. Took me a while learn to quit engaging and just walk away with the help of a professional. Works great 😎

@ChildoftheLIGHT 6 ай бұрын

Invalidation and paranoia for sure. This podcast is ALL truth.🎯

@Mamadagreatt 6 ай бұрын

Thank You wow everything you said is true

@daretodream...898 6 ай бұрын

My husband to me: "Did you notice that I took out the trash?" I replied: "Yes, thank you." ... ... (very long pause) ... ... Me to my husband: "Did you notice that I stocked the bathrooms with toilet paper?" He replied: "Yes, I did. Thank you." ... ... it went right over his head ... ...

@sandrathomas2893 6 ай бұрын

Do not answer a fool according to his folly, lest you also be like him. Proverbs 26:4

@tetravega567 5 ай бұрын

Everything is an excuse to escalate. Arguing back with them with a raised voice is "childish" or "attitude" even though EVERYBODY does it. Using my being scatterbrained as an excuse to say I'm purposely ignoring things/confuse me. Questioning my Agoraphobia diagnosis because I choose to be in a nonthreatening group rather than near an antagonistic bully. Saying there's absolutely nothing wrong with me, even though I have a bunch of physical & mental issues.

@sugarpuddin 6 ай бұрын

Fascinating how this describes a great number of politicians and bureaucrats! In particular, the x-con Dolton Mayor Tiffany Henyard! She is currently running as the number one political interest on social media. Her highly confrontational Trustee board meeting rants fit this video to a tee! When queried by the board, she literally screams, "You can't control me!" Dolton Mayor Tiffany Henyard is a fascinating study on narcissism. Once again, another terrific video!

@acolley2891 6 ай бұрын

His favorite arguments "You/I dont know what you're talking about." Or "You need to learn to shut up." There is no decency or maturity whatsoever. Two narcs have told me that if God wants to correct them, he has to do it himself. 😮

@SurvivingNarcissism 6 ай бұрын

Ugh.

@sandrathomas2893 6 ай бұрын

My favorite from my x, " you've been messed up since you were a kid" He didn't know me when I was a kid lol. I met him when he was 25. Then I'd ask, what exactly did I say or do that was messed up?? Refresh my memory?? 😁 He'd then fall into the typical, " everyone knows you were!! Everyone says you were"!! Lol Then I'd say, I like this game....ok ..like who exactly?? Name 1 person out of "everybody"... I don't have to name anyone!! Don't tell me what to do!! I walk away...."I knew you couldn't "😁 He soooooooooo hated me for seeing through him! Yeah ...my own husband. Insane!!!

@Snow-wz6eu 6 ай бұрын

Sounds like people in AA. lol.

@HungryH1951 6 ай бұрын

You have described the narc I am currently dealing with to a T!! This is precisely how they think and act! Spot on!! I have always been somewhat aware about them being this way but your explanation of it helped me to see it even more clearly, which has been very helpful. I appreciate it.

@DelmaRaySmithJr 6 ай бұрын

You're words are golden, the audio quality, not the content, is in need of refinement to not get between You and Your Listeners.

@SurvivingNarcissism 6 ай бұрын

You should notice a difference in the audio after the first of the year. New mic system.

@maxinedavieds6104 6 ай бұрын

Wow,this is so spot on! They would absolutely hate knowing we have them figured out. Of course ,they would also argue that we’re wrong about that too!

@miscprojects9662 6 ай бұрын

For a narcissist it’s not an argument or debate.

@SurvivingNarcissism 6 ай бұрын

They issue commands

@jenniferthompson5060 3 ай бұрын

@@SurvivingNarcissism The question mark is a prop. They only know periods.

@MrClintL 6 ай бұрын

Dr. Carter, for a lifetime of reasons you’ve described in this video, the 70-year-old narcissist relative is living in a house representing a broken friendship, nobody in our family wants anything to do with her, her brother and his wife changed their locks to keep her out of there house, her sister in law wants nothing to do with her, and even scans the grocery store parking lot to make sure the narcissists car isn’t there so she won’t run into the narcissist inside the store. Of course, none of this could possibly be the narcissist’s fault. This is what her life has amounted to.

@jennyblankenship1419 6 ай бұрын

And the following during an argument!!! I would literally be begging him to stop, and he could not or would not. If I would lock the door, he would unlock it and come in and keep arguing. It was insane.

@MLopez836 5 ай бұрын

My family and soon to be ex husband are narcissists and they all don’t disagree with me because they have decided to keep on pretending to be good people in my eyes. I’m usually the one saying that’s wrong and from what I remember they would rather change the conversation or say yes but mainly they would ignore me and talk with each other. I was raised like that to be ignored until now as an adult I have noticed that. But it’s better late then never to learn about this and now I’m healing as a Christian. And this type of videos help too.

@lishmahlishmah 6 ай бұрын

Waiting for dr Carter's video... One thing in my mind is the the narcissist continuous changing of the subject of the discourse, together with their absolute entitlement that they are leading a perfect "rational" discourse towards its rational end; you are wrong.. And they also could ask you - in their word salad - "now, you have to answer me!! Answer to this I'm asking you!" (I don't knoew if the translation is ok, but I think you can get it, dr Carter and Team Healthy

@t_nels 6 ай бұрын

This is what I was thinking of.

@Greenawareness188 6 ай бұрын

@lishmahlishmah , you are correct. I am sorry your narcissist is so awful at this joyous season. I believe you are important !

@sandrathomas2893 6 ай бұрын

Learn to say, back to the topic at hand!! (Rinse and repeat 🔁) I would say to my x," when you're willing to return to the original topic I'll be back. Bye for now"

@lishmahlishmah 6 ай бұрын

Thank you Teresa, Melony and Sandra. Thank you for your validation. @Sandra. Yes. In my case, before I began to learn the Not-Engaging method... And also still now anytime I fall in some trap of theirs, I usually start saying "Please tell me the link between A and B" or "First, tell me what your question has to do with the topic" . Usually, I keep sayin (again and again) this sort of sentences, at every new (crazy) subject popping up. Anyhow, it is a waste of time (because my narcissists are very tendent to long & empty discussions. With some exceptions where they suddenly cut their own nonsense by saying to me "what are you talking about? Do you want an excuse to argue with me?") ... So, the "back to the topic" method - with these people - is only worth it whether I fail to apply the Not-Engaging method 🥴😑 .

@barbarakelly1916 6 ай бұрын

Changing the subject by veering off on a tangent or changing the topic completely is a tactic I have experienced by a narc ex-husband. it creates "circular conversations" much of the time, which are dizzying and confusing to the non-narc, solving nothing. "The topic is X, and I am sticking to that until we are done " is a useful statement. Being prepared to walk away and "'discuss another day" is important.