biggest lie: they actually try to make you believe that *everything* about you is *bad.* yet, they show no compassion and are not willing to forgive your wrongdoing. they use every opportunity to bring it up. keeps a lot of people down because they believe *it.*

Communication is one of the hardest things with a narc… it’s just circular … gets nowhere 🤷‍♀️

These people have no morals, and derive the greatest glee from savaging people who already have had a lot of sorrow in life.

Biggest lie: I love you

Life with a narc is full of drama

It is so hurtful and confusing when someone whom you thought has your back instead ends up trying everything they can to destroy your character. Love? What love? narcissist are envious of how you are so able to naturally love others. Instead of working towards being able to do the same, narcissists take the low road and drag you down to their level. 11:40 "You cannot allow a narcissists' BIG lie about you to become your Truth" I needed to hear this! Thanks Dr. C.

People who are involved with narcissists MUST take responsibility for their part in it. They are allowing themselves to be treated like shit. People with high self-esteem and high self-confidence would not tolerate this nonsense for a second. It's ridiculous.

They put up smoke screens to take the spotlight off themselves, they don't want anyone looking too closely at them. and their behavior.

Unfortunately, children are taught to believe this lie from the beginning of their life. I believed that lie for most of my life. I finally know the truth! No contact saved my mental health.

I hate it when they give you false compliments coz they're after something. Also false promises to do good deeds that they will never keep when asked 🙄

Biggest lie: that you are completely incompetent at everything and cannot and will not achieve anything. This leads to learned helplessness which creates dependency. I got worn out being a child and seen as automatic supply by my narc parents. So unfair. I was a child and I loved them; children automatically love their parents, at least for awhile. So unfair. But I'm on Team Healthy and getting better, learning and growing. The lens I automatically see things through is hard to overcome, though. Completely negative self talk; hard to be kind to myself. So unfair.

Even when you are being supportive, encouraging and genuinely positive towards them they still think you are defective. They always see through a negative lense🙄

Narcissists create their own pitfalls. They invite negativity, but don't want to own up to it… And when they try to sabotage others, they end up sabotaging themselves. 💙KZfaqr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships

This is incredibly accurate. The narcissist cannot process their own shame and their own imperfections. Everyone grows and makes changes if they are healthy. I don't believe their lies.

I just got tired of the narcissist in my life constantly pointing out my perceived faults on a continual basis. Their constant need to constantly prop themselves up by putting me down was mentally and emotionally exhausting. The incessant gaslighting, condescension and manipulation to try to portray me as the bad guy just drained me. It came to a point where I honestly didn't care if I was the one at fault anymore. I just wanted it to stop. And to your point Dr. C, when I did react negatively, that was their "ah ha! See?! " moment to hold over my head.

They can dish it, but not take it. Period. It's the tyranny of emotional supremacy: THEY can have feelings, get angry, be disappointed, but YOU cannot. Very toxic. Thank you for your clear descriptions.

A narcissist "friend" would accuse me of some of these things. Last I saw him I smiled and told him that I was so sorry he felt that way about me and excused myself. Haven't seen him since.

“Coercive control it leads to loss of identity deprivation isolation dependency” - Lisa a. Romano

My biological parents are malignant Narcissists. They wanted to create dependency to ensure their supplies. They wanted me to believe that I cannot survive without. Narcissists want to undermine your self confident

I don't buy the big lies at all because I know who I am. I just hate how much of me I have lost of myself after 50 years of this B.S. Thank you so much Dr. Carter for this video.

They must have power over you, prove themselves right. Smarter, better etc., and in so doing they only prove they are profoundly insecure!

Learning about narcissisim has helped me close many doors that should have been closed long ago. Thank you for your help, Dr. C. I continue to watch because it gives me strength to stay away from these types.

I'm exhausted from trying to figure out the intentions of the people around me. The thought of trying to form new relationships terrifies me. I've really just reached the point where if I have to question someone's motives I'm just out. As fast as I can. I'm tired of the head games. I'm tired of the one up manship. I'm tired of all the deceit and total fabrications. And mostly I'm tired of fake. Fake people trying to maintain fake connections to me so they can call on me when their need arises. I just want real. Authentic. Meaningful. Connections. Reciprocal, loving, supportive relationships.

I've secluded myself thus I have no controllers, but myself 🤗🥰

Tell them, "Your opinion of me is none of my business."

This is right on point. Theres no end to how deep how versatile or how far a narc will go over the top to denunciate & dehumanize you

I almost died... Yet he was telling anyone who would listen... I'm a terribly mean and have been cruel to him. So during my hospital stay, he told me that I was mean and cruel and I needed to be nice to him. I told him I choose love and don't need his soap opera.

I never thought that way that they want me to feel a bad person. I always thought: they cannot act normal, they have an issue with anger. The result is that you freeze because everything you do or say will not help. You go walking on eggshells. But I can imagine that they tell others that you are a bad person. There was a lot of sarcasm and twisting of the truth in our family, which makes you feel powerless. But nobody can make me believe that I’m a bad person.

Provoking, lying monsters!!!

In my past relationship with a narcissist I have always had the feeling, that he wants to "catch me" - catch me by lying, by not being honest, by not trusting him by 100 percent, by not telling him the whole truth...etc. Just psycho....

I realized that when I start responding poorly, that it’s time to watch one of your videos. Your advice on how to conduct myself has been a lifeline for me that I wish I had 30 years ago. When we fall for the tactics and slip up we need to give ourselves grace and know that we will do better next time. Learning to live a new way is a process. Watching a Dr C video at least 5x a week and Midweek with Dr C has been like cognitive behavior therapy for me. Instead of internalizing the constant reminders that I’m defective, or not good enough. You remind me that I am worthy and valuable. Thank you

Excellent video! At one point, our marriage counselor pointed out that my (then) wife was treating me with extreme disrespect and was dehumanizing me, my wife literally said, "I have a right to treat him like that because he is a bad person." Both the counselor and I were stunned! That was one of the last straws in our relationship, and I filed for divorce a few months later.

So true. Your poor response to their provocation "proves" that you're bad. And if you responded well, calmly, through weeks or months of provocation and then react badly once, that justifies everything they did, in their opinion.

Its almost if you have to prove yourself over and over

Oh the poking and the goading. He wanted to prove that I was insecure yet he was the insecure one. I stopped reacting to his taunts. He didn't like that one bit.

The hypocritical power play in these relationships can be so galling, particularly when dealing with the low levels of emotional intelligence and lack of empathy, that can leave me so frustrated. Learning to grey rock has been an absolute boon for me. It often doesn't stop their behaviours but decreasing my reactivity doesn't given them a foothold to start criticism and triangulating. Thanks so much! 😊👍

Oh, my gosh. Just wow. I finally left a 12 year relationship 2 days ago. This scenario you are giving was the straw that broke the camel's back. I finally just got so tired & emotionally drained that I simply do not care if anybody thinks I'm the bad guy. Fine. I just want out. This is emotional torture. Thank you for putting into words what I am experiencing.

You can not Let the narcisist’s big lie about you to define you. These are poisonous people and their evil and manipulative poking ways might get an angry reaction from us the victims but it does not mean we are bad people, we had a bad day and we are a work in progress. Thank you for your incredible support and help dr Carter. God bless you.

I could never understand why my wife would insist on having the same arguments time after time; I do now. I would find myself apologising for the awful things that she did, as I took the blame for her bad behaviour. We only seemed to get on well when someone else was the adversary; when life should have been going easy, she would attack me. I'm now understanding a lot more about her, and myself.

Thank you Dr Carter for that reminder, my brother is a narcissist, the whole video was about him. He''s giving me the silent treating right now - (what these narcs do not realize is were happy when they're away. 🤣) it's not punishing me what so ever!!

One of the narc's biggest cons is expecting you to be better than he is. On the surface it seems noble, but underneath it's the narc's way of holding you to a standard he is not interested in aspiring to himself. The narc I dealt with had a terrible temper but when I responded in kind the narc feigned outrage, like "I know I have a terrible temper but I expected better of you." Ain't that the biggest pile of horse shit? And for a great many years I played into it. Ugggghhhh

The best thing to do when you've been exposed to Narcissists is to ignore them. They have absolutely nothing going on in their lives other than a deviant will to bring others down.

When it is your dad, you are not allowed to use survival skills. I was just argumentative. Then he'd start yelling. I know he was damaged himself. You can intellectualize that you've grown. You know, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. What doesn't kill you can actually ruin you. I have these quick flashes of him when he was angry. I have a method now of stopping this kind of thing. You say, "Not now" and close your hands in front of you, as though closing a big book. Amazingly, if you allow yourself ten minutes a day to ruminate, you will also allow yourself to disengage.

She remembers times I reacted to her rage, but never remembers her rage.

Don’t waste your time arguing with a lunatic, spend all that time preparing your police report instead. A restraining order is what you need from these lunatics and nothing less will do. I wish I could take back all that wasted time so I could be free him right now.

The narcissist thought needs to be completed. Not just "You respond poorly", but "You respond poorly, but SO DO I !!!!" They are SO HARD ON others because they are SO HARD ON THEMSELVES. When I once told my narcissist that she was terribly hard on other people, she justified it by saying "I am hard on myself, too." But I got no response when I said, "Well, maybe you SHOULDN"T be." Full of shame and self-hatred, and they assume you are, too!

I get the impression, from the narcissist that "damned if I do or don't" after the narc(Dad) finishes "accusing me" of his failings.

"Let's listen to all of my feelings, but not your emotions, you being a human with worries scares me, now back to my feelings" -the Narcissist- Thanks again for all your wisdom and calming me. My narcissist family member OD-ed last night, was happy I saved his life, but will not just apologize for anything from having to clean his dishes, to attacking me last week... Wish me luck team healthy and all prayers are welcome. Thanks to everyone here for caring and trying to be a better person every day.

Yes he tried that, here's my response! Aren't we all defective? Then I walk away laughing! I just don't care what people/everybody thinks about me, people that know me know how I am.

There is such grace in this particular video. I really feel understood here. I could only have one emotion around him. 'NIce.' I had to be nice all the time. If I got frustrated and let off a little steam he would label me defective. So it's nice to be reassured that we have a lot of emotions; although nice is one of them, many more need to be expressed at times. I love the work-in-progress idea. I am indeed.

They are delusional too. Blissful in their delusion and they win no matter what because they LOVE drama and chaos and confusion they create. You can’t take it personally. You just have to keep cleaning up the destruction they perpetually create.

They are forever pointing out your flaws yet you forever overlook theirs.

Spot on! The black and white thinking is impossible. Thank you for articulating my feelings exactly. I knew something didn’t add up, didn’t make sense, but I was a kid so I believed my parents that this perfection was the standard. When I grew older and pointed out their mistakes in the past, and that they weren’t perfect, well, I learned how to verbally fight well. They gave me the silent treatment when I brought up their past mistakes.

The narcissist will find fault with you 100%. Yet, think well of themselves 100%. Dichotomy!

EVERYONE is "entitled" to a bad day! But a HEALTHY person can reflect and say " I messed up, I'm sorry, I'll LEARN from that". This characteristic is not part of the narcissist's demeanor! 😕

Talking to a Narcissist is Like being on a Carousel In the Dark going Backwards

I went grey Rock, early when they showed their true self. If I had reacted I knew that they would believe they were justified. It was a no win situation. I also strongly believe in NO NEGOTIATION with a narcissist.

They yell and scream at you all the time, but when you yell back they don't like it and get on their high and mighty defensive trip.

Oh Dr. Carter - this one was gold. Sad gold, but core and absolute, none the less. Much thanks as always for your dedication, and steady , compassionate deconstructions.

Why is it these evil villains who are more aware of themselves than the Dali lama, never change and continue their incessant patterns of abuse, theft, chaos, selfishness, recklessness. Honestly these people should just be jailed outright. The world would be so much better off with all people devoid of any humanity round up in a cell.

Thank you. I have suffered a long time in this marriage to a narcissist for over 20 years

I yelled and slammed a door, cried late at night and the narc just turned it on me saying I was hysterical, and that he could not tolerate the drama..what an irony. But he thought that all the crap he layed on me was just fine.

I am still digesting the end of a job where I was let go after standing up for myself and was labeled aggressive, even though the toxic people were playing the victim. This video is a good description of my situation.

The lies that kept me down were always this "Do (some ridiculous, nonsense, self sacrificing thing the narc wants) or else (fill in the blank with various predictions of doom)" kind of construction. Maybe that's more of a threat than a lie. Then the noncompliant target may be told "Well, don't blame me if (more doom and gloom) because I didn't do it. You're just (name calling)." I went on a roll. The biggest lie - that their victim is their inferior?

I don't let myself believe in what my husband is trying to convince me that I am. I cry and feel sorry for myself sometimes but, I will not allow him to destroy me. I'm trying to be stronger everyday. Once again my thanks to Dr. Carter for his help.

I am accepting my grief. I have moved on.❤️🙏🏼

MY ELDER RELATIVES ARE NARCISSISTS WHO BULLY ME EACH AND EVERY DAY. THEY DO NOT CARE WHAT I GO THROUGH WITH THEIR SICK BEHAVIOR.

Dr. Carter thank you again. I am becoming a healthier person because of your wisdom and enlightenment.Every aspect about narcissism is something that I have personally experienced. Through great pains and much emotional distress in the aftermath of dealing with NARCS I have a better understanding of what they are and how they behave/ think . I believe Dr. Carter that it is more important to understand than to be understood. However not at the expence of my humanity.

Dr. Carter truer words have never been spoken. I am constantly being baited so when I react it is used against me. He tells these lies to family members. It’s a terrible way to live.

Was pulled into an argument with my narc sister, and she said "you were no angel in the past"--i being a life long empath, I have NO idea what she was talking about.

I had a friend...(the old story) who made a big thing about being in N.A. (Narcotics, not narcs), he did it for about two weeks, just so he could prove how "spiritual" he was to others. Like all narcs, he was as spiritual as a lump of coal, just trying to get an 'in' with people. In N.A, so I understand, the first thing you have to do is look into yourself and ask yourself serious questions. This was impossible for him because he was completely hollow, only thinking of how he could get what he wanted out of others. At the end of yet another screaming tantrum over me not doing as I was told, I threw him out of my house and as he Gollumed away, he turned and shouted at me "you've got a lot of work to do on yourself!" As he went through the gate, I said ,quite calmly but loud enough for him to hear "when are you going to start!" I'm almost ashamed to admit how good it felt to see his stupified confusion explode into howling, impotent rage that brought the neighbours to their doors! There was just nothing he could do! The point of this rambling anecdote is to show that you don't have to take that sort of abuse lying down and that you can fight back! Did I say I felt almost ashamed? Not a bit of it, in fact it was good to see him slink away permanently. That's what these people do; they turn you into nasty, vengeful copies of themselves. Every now and then they do it to someone who turns out to be better at it than them...I'm over that now, just for the record! I'm living my best life and, as far as I know, he's...well, I don't care what he's doing. Keep up the fight, all you abused out there, there is a future...for YOU, screw them! Scrape them off! You'll thank yourself, trust me on this...👍

I love how you point out that any human would eventually snap back. Thank you 😊

Amen! You've described the cycle to a T! So grateful for the support we find here ❤️

You're like the uncle I never had.

I have always had doubts when I have stood up to a narcissist. After listening to the Doctor I have improved my mental health and my outlook on life. Thanks Doctor!

There is no winning with him. He pokes me constantly

Wow! It's brilliant!!! It explains why my narcissist constantly accused me of the things I've never done

I really appreciate your contribution to this horrible situation! I am 76 yrs old and I have a daughter who is 53 yrs old. Since she was a young adult she has been my friend… telling me how much she loves me, how much she admires me,etc. Within days or weeks that will become how she disrespects me, swears at me ( she knows how that bothers me), down grades me in every aspect of my life, brings up issues she has had issue with for years, etc. I have been as kind, thoughtful, humble, and loving as I know how to be. Everything we discuss eventually becomes my issue. I have cried until I just don’t think I can cry anymore. I have tried negations just between us or with a professional counselor. Nothing has ever worked. As of this morning she called me to tear me down, swear at me, put me down, etc. I finally said “I will not listen to this any more. I am hanging up”. She tried to call me back and I didn’t answer. She then texted me a scathing e-mail. I have blocked her on my phone. I so desperately want the peace you mention. I know she is sick which makes me “come back for more… thinking maybe this time things will work out”. I know now I can not help her. I need to help myself and find my peace. I am going to be selfish and take care of me!!!☺️

I think they are extremely envious of how you are able to love others and especially how others love you back!

I think this is why when you do great they don't say so, they don't encourage when you're really happy about something but boy do they love to swoop in and tell you when you've done wrong! The latter being anything that doesn't fit with them. They just love it! They don't build you up but love to drag you down and will definitely kick you when you're down and woe betide you if you look to someone other than them when you're struggling as they relish those moments

My ex was part of the snobby crowd in my hometown. Oh so terribly exclusive!!!!! Know how many dummies I ran into there? Tons! Honestly, it's like you get born into privilege and life doesnt require you to get any smarter. Dont have to work hard to earn a living, never had to grow up. Look I'm not putting them all in that bucket. I've been acquainted with families in which everyone had a strong work ethic and valued a good education. Darned right it would be great to be born into such a family, and they often have more money than God. But because they went to college and worked from a young age, they have a much better grip on reality, and much more relatable to you and I. They are the unicorns. The others? Aiii, yiyiyi.....zero grip on the real world. I'm a working class gal who retired comfortably. And they dont like that either. This is class snobbery in its basic form. But now we're all getting older. I've watched many of the privileged die young, from drinking too much. Many neglect their health and encourage you to do the same. Take care of yourself. The very best care you can. They will be angry at you for looking good and feeling happy with yourself. Because privilege doesnt necessarily mean intelligence, you can "checkmate" these people. I know. I have. It's not pretty.

Mine had a kinda religious mania going on. She would inform me that that she had already forgiven me for various things, but those very things never left my "list of wrongs" daily reminder, nor did she ever think to try to treat me as one actually forgiven. She demanded written apologies from me for everything (and guess how many of THOSE I found piled up in her room after she left). I guess the most frustrating part was her repeated story of how she (as a little girl) learned NOT to lie, and therefore would not/could not. So she held the moral high ground if there were ever any question as to whether she stated anything that otherwise could have been questioned. Yet she KNOWS that I know (and can prove) many of the things she used/tales she told in order to justify her leaving were, indeed, lies. That, to me, is an insurmountable hurdle that she will never attempt, and reconciliation is therefore impossible.

They are predators. They are deeply jealous/envious and that makes them dangerous and will sabotage you with family, with friends and your job. No contact is the only way to free yourself from their evil.

The "setting up" part struck a chord with me. The manipulation to get narcissistic supply by setting up another person to be a scapegoat, is the narcissistic trademark.

Aaaaaaahhhhhgg it's a narcissist! RUN!!!

Biding your time, working harder to try to make things right is a total waste of time. They will set you up repeatedly to make you look bad, no matter what you do. Do yourself a favor and walk away from the toxic/poison person. Your life will be 100% better for it and safer too. You are so correct...do not let their big lie define you and become your truth! You are better than that!

You have described my father. perfectly. Me = scapegoat. I see through his smoke & mirrors. That is one benefit of being the scapegoat. I have withdrawn from my father's cult.

What galls me is the narcissist Bloviating about taking responsibility yet the narcissist never does… they constantly blame shift yet consider themselves superior to others. Lessons in humility are necessary to create change… Ego’s serve no good purpose, this egocentric attitude and behavior causes a lot of grief in relationships. I’d rather be alone that involved in dysfunctional relationships. Be it an intimate or more casual relationship, I’ still prefer to walk alone than go off a cliff with “go along to get along” group think. Or set aside my values so as to be “acceptable” “to the masses”, nope- I won’t set aside my values for that reason either. Take care stay safe everyone, Orc’s still on the loose. And thank you Dr. C, always pertinent information.

I'm reached my 30s and I'm sort of starting over my life, which was greatly impcted by a narc parent up until I had enough at my mid 20s and proceeded to 'damage repair' and 'moving out'. To the younger ones needing, pls move away asap from the narc, it will be much easier getting the much needed financial security the sooner you close the door on them emotionally and search other avenues. To the fellow 30s, pls try to get some therapy if possible, you probably have depression from seeing how much wasted time, potential, and how hard it will be to race the clock, but pls, pls I beg don't give up. Improve your skill set, free courses, library, public school, anything accessible; drop that feel of shame of having to begin again late if you have; get yourself out there even if the place/activity is not smt you would do. Don't let narcissists win.

I just don’t understand how so many of us got caught up with this. Just going about our lives, literally believe we met our souls mate then the very slow switch. Til they get you to a point of no return.

I told my narcissist so called "friend" that he looked just like Damion form The Omen and I looked like the kid from A Christmas Story. He was so butthurt he NEVER called to terrorize me ever again. WINNING!!

Hello Gus 🤗🐕🦊 Thank You Dr. Carter. A narcissist can make you feel like your dumb. They love the feel of control and power. I can tell right away when I stand up for myself and I don't do what they want, it is as if I'm the child and they are the parent's instead of the other way around.

I wish I could've heard this as a child. For so long I've believed I'm 'bad'. Thank you for talking about this and for doing so with such kindness.

Oh man yet again Dr. Carter has them figured out. Took the cell away from my step daughter for not following our rules, then was ridiculed that I did not “consult the whole family” which my wife thought was just her lol. Could list 1000 examples.

It's amazing how predictable they are. With such easy to read mechanisms we should be able to play them and give them a run for their money, LOL

Oh Yes! Very critical Person. Very judgmental. My life for 34 years was Like riding the scrambler ride at the county fair. Very agitated and Jekyll-Hyde. I just never knew who I would be dealing with. My mistakes were always brought up. Over and over. Really put me in a confusion. Terrible. Lots of projection onto me. Things I never even did.

This could not be more on point! I just left a counseling session and she brought up taking on the N's shame, their lack of willingness to take responsibility, and learning to live up to our own values.

That they have power, and I don't have a choice.

For me… coming from the parental overt narcissist, it was “you don’t love me.” I would have done anything as a child to prove i loved her. I almost did anything to prove it as an adult. Thank God i wised up and limited both my time with her as well as the space in my head for her. And coming from the emotionally immature covert narcissist i dealt with for thirty years, it was “I didn’t mean to.” We want to believe the people we love. He is highly intelligent so i thought surely he knows what he’s doing (which he does.) I finally got so sick of hearing “It was an accident.” Yes, accidents certainly do happen. And when the same accidents happens more than three times after being asked or told not to do it again… it’s no longer an accident. That’s when you know it’s no “accident.” It’s done on purpose. It’s done with intent. A narcissist never sincerely apologizes on their own. When their backs are against the wall, they will say words that kiiiiinda sort of sound like an apology… “It’s all my fault.” “You don’t love me.” “I didn’t mean to.” “It was an accident.” Those phrases cause the other person to think they’ve heard remorse (which is meant to “seem” like repentance… even tho it’s nothing like repentance at all.) And when they say the words “I’m sorry,” it’s accompanied by an attitude or other words that nullify the apology… “I’m sorry for EVERYTHING! (You will never hear them be specific enough to apologize for the actual thing, whatever it may have been.)” “I’m sorry you feel that way.” “I’m sorry you misunderstood me.” “I’m sorry. Can we now just move on?!” In my personal experience, their biggest lie is their apology. A real apology is supposed to set free all parties involved. A narcissist’s apologies keep them enslaved to the lies they tell themselves. And a narcissist’s apology keeps you enslaved to the narcissist. “You do not have to accept an apology that is accompanied with unchanged behavior.” Nedra Tawwab Forgiveness can be given without an apology being accepted. Forgiveness does not require time being given to those who waste our time. Utilize you time wisely. Light and love. Peace.

I just recently found you and have been binge watching every chance I get!! You are amazing!! I have been married for nearly 36 years and suspected long ago he was a narcissist. He is EVERYTHING you describe! He has drained every bit of life and confidence from me and has destroyed any chance of a normal existence for my son. I blame myself for not getting us away from his father early on. My son even remarked once that his dad was the only person he knew that could "beat the crap out of you, then make you feel sorry for him"! I now have an 11 year old granddaughter caught in the crossfire!! I went back to school at age 49 to become a nurse. He made my life hell! It was supposed to be my "way out". But, as it turned out I ended up working for a narcissistic boss. When I couldn't do her job for her any longer because of a health issue, she and another nurse starting harassing me and bullying me. I smiled through my tears and did my job, but she ended up firing me anyway! That was nearly 3 years ago and I am still struggling with it and am terrified to put myself back out there! I joke that I have PTSD from it, but truly believe that between what they did to me and what I have endured for so many years with my husband, that I do have PTSD!! I am depressed, bitter, confused, and just plain lost!!