it is physically so tiring to be around this type of person. i have never felt so tired and depleted in my life

I have also found that the pouty sulky Narcissist can then fly into a rage when I just carry on with my life and ignore their games.

It was like being with a seven year old, who wanted mummy to ask what's wrong and pander to their emotions.

Also them wanting to be included in all your activities, but then acting miserable once you get there 🙄.

The mood swings are the worst. No warning, no explanation, like flipping a switch. And when you ask if you did something to upset them, they smirk 😏 a silent “you should know“! Thanks Dr C, greetings from Switzerland 🇨🇭

My feeling is the covert narcissist’s game is worse because at least the grandiose narcissist is being direct and everyone can see it. The covert narcissist is insidious and sneaky and it may take a long time before you realize their game.

I can't even watch Dr Carter's videos with the narcissist around I have to hide and watch it with headphones...

Hours and hours of mining me for solutions to their problem only for them to do absolutely none of it.

“Excuse me while I go find a place to puke.” That’s my life 🤣

Thank you so much for helping me understand more! I was to the point of sadness and longing to escape until my 16 year old daughter said mom dads abusive and we need to leave. When your kids see way before you do that something is not right, open your eyes and do something. Life is way too short!

I get to deal with this today. Pray for me please. 😥

My 7 years with a suspected covert GF to a T. It's like you were there the whole time and made a video about it. You're always spot on, Doc. No psycho babble, just knowledge, validation, and kindness from a man who understands. So grateful for your your work and for sharing it!!!! Thank you!

Yes. The heavy sigh is So over the top. Sometimes I just sigh back. He looked up once. There was a notable flicker of recognition, but then it faded. Big message:. I work so hard & you do not. FU. Sometimes that's all that's left to say. Emotional incompetence. That's good. Thank you so much.

Cant go anywhere in public with them because they really complain and can be very rude to people non stop complaining

My ex narc displayed al of these traits. He would also start badgering you about some incident that occurred twenty years ago. I'd have forgotten all about it, but he was still chewing the cud. His attacks would just come out of nowhere. I so don't want another narcissist in my life.

And when I ignore the sulking I’m accused of being insensitive to their needs/feelings. They really have a manipulative response for anything you do.

My mother...."I'm not angry, just terribly hurt." Then she starts planning her revenge. ;)

This was the behavior that baffled me the most! Was he mad at me? Or was he just having a bad day? If his job was as stressful as he made it out to be, I always thought coming home to a happy home would make him feel better but he never cheered the flip up after coming home! I use to get the children all excited just before I knew he would be pulling into the drive so that they would greet him with their happy little “welcome home” shouts of joy. Eventually even the children stopped being excited to greet him because he would be so ba-humbug with their joy to see him. But if his phone rang as soon as he got home in his pissy little mood and it was one of his buddies (or ANYone for that matter) on the other line, he answered that phone in record time with the happiest hello and literally utter excitement to hear from whomever was calling. Then just as soon as he’d hang up the phone… bam, the big long sigh came back with a big huge frown and he’d say . “How was your day?” He would walk away as I would begin to answer and then shout from the other end of the house, “KEEP TALKING. I’M LISTENING.” Knowing darned good and well he may have heard my voice but he was NOT listening! And if I began to explain to him how that is not “listening” …the chaos of denial and deflection and projection and arguing began. Nearly. Every. Single. Day. Each day had its only little twist of uniqueness but at the core the chaos was always the same. And it all started because of his sulky, pouty, silent treatment, sighing like life is absolutely the worst kind of behavior and me constantly trying to figure out how to make him feel better or trying to figure out how to make him as happy with me (his wife, for God’s sake) as he was with other people. He was happier when he talked to complete strangers than he was when he talked to me and his own children! I always feel so damned dumb for having put up with it for so long! But just in the nick of time he would turn on the charm so that I would be convinced everything was “just fine.” The mind games were endless! I am grateful to have finally gotten away from such foolery. I still listen and try to learn from Dr Carter as well as others because part of me is so nervous I’m going to be that dumb again, in any kind of a relationship. Edited for typos

Yes, Eeyore. They have never had a good day in their lives and have no interest in me.

Another reason these temper tantrums are covert is that they can be rescinded by the narcissist and tell you that you were mistaken , you were reading it wrong , they didn’t mean that, etc. etc. - it’s a very cowardly way of having a temper tantrum.

Yes,experienced all. If you respond, you become supply. If you don’t, you become the complaint (and part of the problem).

I pray each day to work towards Gus-like peace, stability and tranquility. I love seeing the handsome pup chilling on the couch behind you during your sessions! My vote would be to market some Gus merchandise “Keep calm and Gus on!” All kidding aside thank you for today’s wisdom.

The two parts of a covert narc I found most exasperating were the constant self pity, and the asking for my input then ignoring it. Living with “Eeyore” makes you want to scream “It’s not really that bad!!!” I did on occasion get so frustrated that I yelled “Oh Grow Up!!!” That did not help AT ALL. No one serves food worth eating at a pity party. Best not to accept the invitation.

"A grown-up child" - yes, again you nailed it, Dr. Carter. The moodiness, the sighs, manipulativeness, entitlement, the low or no insight/introspection, passive-aggressiveness, silent treatments/stonewalling, quitting/unwillingness to grow, the self-serving assumptions, blame-shifting, professing one thing and doing something else, etc....and with their lack of introspection, even if some don't consciously realize every single one of the things they're doing, it still stinks and it's still exhausting to deal with. I've opted out of this no-win game and stopped trying to get them to get it. And though there have been sad aspects about it, the disengaging is necessary self-preservation. Thanks for these videos, the validation is so supportive and helpful.

10:44 "Emotional Incompetence" -- I really like this way of saying them 😄

They always inflate themselves but create an atmosphere of doubt for you

Every. Stupid. Holiday. No matter how “perfect” we tried to make it, nothing was ever good enough. The constant *itching from the narc was over ALL special occasions. Then the attacking would start. From arriving a few minutes late(literally minutes) to not answering the phone earlier in the day, no one could do anything right. I finally had enough. I only celebrate holidays with my children and husband. No one else. I’m DONE.

The projection is off the hook! They'll tell you you're angry all the time when it's them that's angry! They'll also re-interpret conversations and accuse you of calling them names when you didn't do that at all.

3:27 omg #4 pretending to want your input and then ignoring you: that was so confusing; my narc would drag me to help them buy a computer, then ignored me the WHOLE TIME!

I've seen a "flip" in mood in front of my eyes, and it was related to dropping by a friend's house or going to church. It's all a front. I've stopped reacting to these mood swings, and just listen but don't emotionally respond anymore. It is a constant need for attention and control. I don't play.

Thanks for this information Dr C. I’m in shock that this is part of a covert narcissist personality! Dealt with it for 30+ years. 🤦‍♀️

Dr. C you are 100% correct about this. My narc behaved like this whenever he didn't get his way or if I said no or disagreed with him. I had to constantly say, " I have my own thoughts and opinions." He was what he called frustrated ALL the time about everything.

This is a perfect description of my daughter. When her sulks didn't get her own way, she would burst into tears (sometimes angry tears) and a few years later, when crying didn't get her her own way, she would start throwing up.

I lived w a narcissist for 5 years and it severely and negatively affected my mental health and self esteem. With a therapist plan your escape, rebuilding yourself emotionally, socially and economically.

They're not all lazy, some are extreme doers, constantly busying themselves so they can look down on other people who can't keep up that pace!busy,busy,busy they've no time for anyone and they'll make out you're the lazy one, even if you're sick and unable or just need some self care ✌

Be grateful when the "sh*t show" Is done...Ridiculous 🧐💯😇

Has anyone ever felt like they're being "remote controled"? Some have to be in control of virtually everything! About every thought and move is dictated...And they have to be "right" about everything.

My covert sister in law checks every box. One Christmas get together, a nice cozy fire was lit for everyone to enjoy. The little pouty sulky baby went outside in the cold because she was too hot and nobody was giving her attention. It all makes so much sense now. Ive gone no contact so no more holidays to deal with her BS. Thank you Dr. C for another excellent video ❤

…and the sulking…….like a 4 year-old……unbelievable

If I had a nickel for every time the narcissist in my life said “I never said that!” when calmly confronted about insults or hurtful jokes… I’d have a lot of nickels 😂

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet. (mahatma gandhi)

I asked my husband to go to counseling last Sunday, and he has been throwing his temper tantrum ever since, to the point of moving into the garage. I refuse to play his game anymore.

My sister almost to a T. She likes to "throw her weight around" and gaslights and lies with no shame. She was the golden child, now she's miserable, but well-trained to continue to torment me. She shoots me smirks of pure joy after triggering me as if she's won something. Our elderly mother reinforces this terrible behavior while blaming me for the consequences of their dysfunction. I just learned that I've been in survival mode for 60 years. Our sisterhood was stolen from us.

That’s how stupid they are they think then you say no to something they want by throwing a tantrum and abusing you will work for them that you will suddenly give them what they want . Don’t chase them it’s what they want

When will the narcissist return? The narcissist returns, when you no longer need them. Narcissists are all about seeing how far down they can push you, for the sake of their own validation, and much needed confirmation of their superiority over you. Narcissists are always creating situations where they are trying to make the point that 'they don't care about you', 'you mean nothing to them', in the hope that you will fall into a state of desperation - wanting them back at all costs, showing you cannot make it on your own without them. Of course all of this only really validates them, if you react as expected. Which is to fall into the character they need you to play, one of desperation, in need of the narcissist back in your life, showing your pathetic & broken self, proving your inferiority. The supply which comes from you staying in this helpless character, allows them to thrive and seek out other supplies, as they are fully energized from the fact they now own you even from afar.

I’ve been playing this game for 49 years. Now he is ill and needs someone to take care of him. I’m so over this behavior and playing games!

This passive aggressiveness can almost seem like a "split personality" sort of quality if you don't fully understand the reasoning behind what they're doing. If you don't fully grasp that they're saying and doing all of this stuff as a form of manipulation and control, it can really seem like this person is going from hot to cold and back again in a matter of seconds. With the narcissist I dealt with, she would get furious at me for something small and meaningless, expecting me to cower down and apologize for no other reason than that she said so. She would make a big deal about something, throw a tantrum and then yell at me, expecting it to ruin my day and ruin me emotionally. Early on, I would let it get to me and I would apologize a thousand times (even if I didn't do anything wrong) and she would keep shutting me out, taking pleasure in watching me suffer. She wouldn't speak to me again (maybe for weeks or months) until I STOPPED apologizing - because then it was no longer fun for her if I wasn't begging for mercy. So that's when I realized that it was all a game. So the next time this would happen, I wouldn't give it any attention and would go about my business. Then the narcissist would act "sad" and pouty when they realized I wasn't chasing them. They would start going on and on about how they were upset about how I didn't want to be THEIR friend (even when she was the one holding the grudge and giving me the silent treatment). It was all to try to lure me in with a false sense of security. She wanted me to think she was truly sad and lonely, all so I would approach her only for her to switch her entire personality on a dime AGAIN. The second I showed kindness to her and engaged with her, BOOM - she lashed out and brought the hammer down. It makes you think "Wow, what happened to being sad?!" It's really just like every other thing they do - it's all a rouse to create leverage for themselves. They want to make you bow down to them, and if that doesn't work and you don't let it get to you and go about your own business, they will have to switch up manipulation strategies. So they think if they can lure you back in with fake sadness and gain your sympathy, that gives them leverage over you again. It's pretty bizarre behavior until you realize, "Oh, you really just want to be in charge and have the power to guilt trip me and punish me and that's where all of this split personality behavior comes from". None of it is "real" emotion.

Wow, I can't believe how perfectly accurate this description is - thank you. I spent an incredibly confusing & lonely 2 years feeling increasingly ashamed, worthless & Googling phrases such as 'Extreme / Unpredictable Mood Swings in Adults'! At the time, I had no idea my situation wasn't unique. My confidence was shattered, I was forever apologising to everyone for everything & I was no longer able to make eye contact with people.. and that was just from a 2 year relationship. I can't imagine how isolating & devestating it would be for someone to live like that for decades.... this should be taught in schools. They make sure you never have time to think about yourself, I felt so defeated when I realised I was suddenly miserable every day and believed I was to blame. Any happiness was always overshadowed by a knot of dread knowing tomorrow will be miserable again no matter what I do or how hard I try. Very confusing, lonely, exhausting (& valuable!) lesson.

The only one my husband is not is number 9. Also, because I am the thorn in his side, he has every right to treat me like garbage.

I've been experiencing these moods, it's so draining and a ridiculous waste of life.....I think this narcissistic man is playing a role....its the most frustrating thing to have to deal with....he is always looking for attention, and then screams out ...im grown!!...I don't need anyone!!....im thinking, who cares!?.....I wish there was a narcissistic island to put them....its depressing, draining, boring, childish and empty dealing with them....its like a re- run of a bad episode...same stuff ,different day.....I want out so bad.....soon, very soon.....

One night I won Backgammon several times in a row. My fiance sulked and felt sorry for himself. He then began yelling at me for something completely unrelated. We broke up shortly thereafter. Who wants to be with someone who treats you like that?!?

I ended a five year friendship because this is exactly who she is through and through. The moment she didn't get what she wanted and/or felt even the slightest twinge of accountability for her actions or words, BOOM! She did literally everything on this list until she wanted or needed something, then miraculously, act like she didn't do everything on this list and that everything is normal and perfect and we are BFF's. I can't tell you how relieved I am to be no contact with her now.

While watching this my narcissist ask “ whyare you mad at me”.??! Lol

We need so many more videos on how to recognize and deal with these people! They can be so baffling for years that it’s hard to recognize early on all the firm steps we need to take to protect ourselves. It’s so easy to be fooled by these folks!!!

Coping skills like picking one person and talking about that person to get everyone around them involved and onboard with the same enemy.

How do you deal with a narcissist who is nice to your face but talks really bad behind your back? You don't even know what they're saying but know how badly they talk because they talk about everyone like that. So much vicious gossip that the people the narcissist talks to don't even talk to each other any more...?

Oh goodness. I just told my dad "no" today. He started ţo cut down a dead tree in the yard and then called me over to help. I told him that I wasn't up for that today. He told me that he didn't care what I wanted and that I was whining. I said, "You're right. This is me calmly telling you, no" I got a "fine I'll do it myself." I went about the tasks that I had planned for the day. He quit the tree after a half an hour and sat outside while I caulked a gutter. Didn't say one word to me. Then he went in the house to lay down. It's hot and very windy here today and he chose the hottest and windiest part of the day to tackle this chore. Apparently calm refusal to cave to their whims is VERY effective.

Had to pause just to say, I love that Gus is living his best life! 🐶 🥰

Just had an episode of that this morning. Looking for more and more material on elder care and how NParents get worse as they age 😐😑😖

‘I never said that!…and if I did, I’m sorry’ .How my father would always apologise for anything

I had no idea! Well 22 years later, this makes since. On my part i just ignore him when he dispays these behaviors.

Wait! 2,3k likes in under 20 minutes?! Ugh! So many recognized what Dr C was talking about

This is my mom. Took me 52 years to figure this out. I told her I refuse to babysit her feelings anymore and have set about not doing it. It has increased the behavior, yet now I ignore it and enjoy her fustration at not being able to use her tricks on me.

We can't judge yet they can. Such hypocrite's

I noticed that narcissists will often call their victims covert aggressive. Victims are forced into that role until they they can free themselves.

Exactly loud obnoxious and bullies for sure!!!

My dad to a tee. But you can add to this aggressive explosions out of nowhere, physical abuse, destroying things, systematically ignoring us children, and being an extreme hypochondriac. When you say you have cancer, he says he has a sore finger.

Everyone of these 10 traits are exactly what my husband did to me, this is so eye opening and why I am divorcing him.

Gee, this sounds like a baby-person who is acting-out to attract attention because they "feel" neglected.

They were allowed to whine and complain as a child

Their huffing and puffing is hilarious. Anyone who does the breathing 😳 get away from 😂

I'm nobody's emotional pack mule..

The best way to deal with a narcissist is ignore them, let them pout and sulk. Cheers Dr. C, I LEARNED the hard way to keep being me and I rarely sulk thankfully.

If I do something they don't like it's the full gammit of contempt disdain silent treatment or rage. If they don't something I don't like and I say so, it's the same full gammit! Just impossible! Drove me to the edge

This one is 💯 tailored to me. My current soon to be ex IS THIS to a tee.

OMG this is my adult niece. Not surprising since her mother (my sister) is a grandiose malignant narcissist.

In my experience narcissists never say what they are p@@@@d off about and its like a guessing game

"Passive-Aggressive" - I first ran across this term about 25 years ago. When I did, I realized it perfect fit and explained a longtime "friend" of mine. He was in the sad habit of letting his own life fall into complete chaos & disrepair-- while at the same time, ALWAYS trying to tell ME how to live MY life. Every time we'd get together, he'd be naggng me about what i should do, or how I should act, and then hitting me with relentless questions like "Well why not?" "Well how come?" And yes, at time< I thought he soudned like a 5-year-old. It's only very recently I came to hear the term "passive-aggressive" used in connection with "narcissism," and I realized, decades after-the-fact, that's what that guy was. In the last few years I knew him, he'd often go missing or be inaccessible for months or a year at a time, only to suddenly turn up out of nowhere being all friendly. And then, like clockwork, a week later, turn up again, NEEDING A FAVOR. I got very offended by the idea that he only wanted to stay friends because he saw me as someone who could do things for him. And the truth is, THAT part wasn't the real problem for me-- it was that, PLUS, he simultaneously trying to tell me how to live my life. I finally told him one day when he showed up: "I WANT YOU OUT OF MY LIFE." Incredibly, it took him nearly 2 years for the message to get through. But I refused to talk with him from that moment on.

Married to one a nightmare- kids etc, they block, they manipulate, the deceive and try divorce one- they are coercive controllers- abusive partners.

And old as they get, they never learn anything about themselves. Expect no change!

And then when you tell them to stop sulking and being passive aggressive Im a bully 😂😂😂

10 out of 10. lol...The good news is thanks to Dr. C, and Dr. Ramani, I no longer play the game and I don't let them manipulate me anymore. It's truly freeing. Let them pout! :)

Thank you, Dr. Les. Every time I watch one of your videos it reminds me that I am not crazy. Narcissists just make you feel that way.

You just described my ex to a T 😂, I swear they all run on the same software lol

I call mine angry eeyore sad but so angry. Caught him in a glare today though, that shivered me Timbers!🥶

This is my sister to a T, and somehow the rest of my family are all her flying monkeys. How does she have this deceiving power over all of them, I have no idea, except that they're all somewhere on the narcissistic scale. I'm pretty sure, I have grown up in a narcissistic family system. I had to get out to literally save my life. Unbelievable!

Record Everything because a narcissist will say I’ve said that !!

My husband will go in the other room and cuss me to himself or talk about me to himself really bad loud enough so i can hear him. Then he will come back where i am and start being nice or ask me a question. Makes me so sick! Hes just trying to see if i will start fussing about what he just did. He never says anything to my face much. If he does its just another way to start a fuss. Hes worse in the other room. Trying to get a reaction. But then denies it when i do say something

It is a waste of ones ' life to be with a narcissist,they generally hurt you on a daily,they abuse and use you,they disrespect you in public and in private,terrible people😮😢,i am sooo done ,says Katya from Cuba❤🇨🇺

The more I watch these videos, the more I'm beginning to think that maybe it's not my fault. Novel thought!

Checklist of the quiet, covert Narc: 1. Lots of negative non-verbal messages 2. Heavy sighs 3. Victim's attitude 4. Pretending to want your input, then ignoring it 5. Assumption that you should cater to them 6. Behavioral disparity (saying one thing but doing totally different) 7. Needy for affirmation 8. Quitting easily 9. Threats of self-harm 10. Refuse to include you in normal events 》It's a backward way of drawing attention 》Pronouncing judgment & shame onto you 》Goal: to control you 》Temper tantrum of an adult child 》Their way of "coping" = 》Emotional incompetence

The narcissist I know does what he does because he looks at it like a game to see how far he can push you... it's a challenge for him...

This is so true and a great reminder of why I got out of my last marriage. He had the nerve to send a friend request on Facebook last week! Thank you for helping this recovering girl stay strong.

When I meet patients with this personality (disorder), I know from square one, they won’t take ownership of their health problems. No attempt to exercise, lose weight, control diabetes, etc. If pressed, all they give are excuses why life is so unfair, everything is somebody’s fault, etc. Often the partner is grossly enabling and has mistaken pity for love. There will be no improvement in health. Education attempts are futile. Sigh….

The new narcissist I know is not self aware, Lucky me. It easily explodes and has aways the upper hand. Double standard when comes to reciprocrating actions and favors. Agressiveness disguised as passive Agressiveness and smirks. Nothing is what it looks like. Being insulting and invasive is the narc way of dealing with me.

He would stop talking to me. It was infuriating to try to understand what is going on and they wont tell you. The more Id try to get him to tell me what was wrong the quieter he'd get. He tortured me .

Give me affection……..while responding to your every request for simple support or information with an exasperated sharpness……..then calling you negative and blaming you for their mood - my wife to a tee

Unwinding the connection between my narcissistic parents and the men I've dated has been illuminating.

My narcissistic boyfriend tries this all the time, and I shut his ass right down. If he's not the center of attention, then he gets mad, and I ignore him because I don't want to be wasting my energy on him. When he's quiet, I love it!

Just had an insight. He was such a bummer. I assumed depression.... never occurred to me he was bringing me down... I've now dropped a friend who did this too. Ok if you are authentic. If this is your habitual negative way of controlling I'm not interested.