What doesn't kill you doesn't kill you. Just because you weren't killed, there's no reason to glorify the abuse. Abuse is not a character builder.

Having a healthy mirror is so important. It explains why I gravitated towards my best friend’s mother during middle school. I often spent the weekend at my friend’s home. Here I was treated with respect and it was an escape from my parents home where my borderline mom was often volatile. My mom tried to guilt me one time during her outbursts when I was in middle school. She said “you like them (my friend’s family) better than us don’t you!”. I often froze when my mom would start her tirades… sometimes I would attempt to push back. During this encounter I was shocked and confused at my mom’s accusation. I didn’t realize she was observing from the sidelines at how happy and fulfilled I seemed to be when she saw me with my friend’s family. The truth is, I did like my friend’s family better than my own. I was just too scared to admit it as a child. Who wouldn’t prefer respect, care and love. I’d pick this over the constant chaos that swirled in my house growing up due to my mom’s immaturity, envy and selfishness. I’m no contact with my family. Not just my mom but everyone else who allowed me to be blamed for everything well into adulthood.

I have to remember that I do not owe my narcissistic mother anything. I need to watch more videos to better understand why.

I don’t think there are any safe people , I find my happiness in animals, and after a day of having to spend time with humans, animals make me feel recharged and happy than I have ever been 🐾

If you’re smart, confident, sweet, cute, and can see though the narc-they will HATE you. You will be their target, their goal will be to crush your confidence and kill your talents. Sickening. They are monsters. I really relate to the story you shared about Carrie.. Thank you for sharing this.

I developed a fierce hatred of my talents because it was the only time my parents saw me. The more my mother told me I was “wasting my talents” the more I wanted to waste them 😂 The wounded child in me who was expected to take care of herself, kept inventing crises so that I could appear defective and get help. It’s become my personality over the years. Weirdly I’m calm and competent in a crisis. Dysfunctional families can really do long term damage.

Yeah, I'm an empath. That has nothing to do with how I was treated as a child. I know this. I was also the scapegoat. It seems like I've been attacked and punished for my entire life just for being myself. I know who I am, and I'm not changing even if it means I have noone.

I cant believe how bad/hard/harsh my life has always been. Seems like it just never gets better.

Thank you for taking this seriously and giving all of our childhoods the respect they deserve.

Big congratulations on making that course teaching other mental health providers. You're a wonderful teacher Jay!

I grew up with parents who I just thought were particularly violent for various reasons, eg, they had violent arguments with each other, my mother seemed to yell a lot, and my father often slapped me. As I became older, the dynamics changed, or I made more sense (but not complete sense of what was going on.) I was still often hit, my parents still had violent arguments, my father often went out (not caring about the rest of his family - he had more interesting people to see), and my mother often became drunk. More was understood. My father always picked at, teased & made my mother feel low. He started pucking at my schoolwork , despite my being a nervous wreck, telling me I should've been doing better (despite never actually looking at it.) This had a negative effect on my marks, as I couldn't do better than what I was already doing. My mother still drank. My younger brother was never picked on for anything. I was bullied as a very young child, teased for the sake of being teased. I had no one to talk to at school. I became scared of my mother when she was drunk, and wouldn't go near my father for fear of what he'd pick at or criticize. It was great feeling isolated from EVERYONE. Strangely, the same thing happened at high school, being bullied & teased, etc. My mother's weight, size, looks were constantly made fun of. I was never complimented, and my father started to point at "body parts" of mine, if he felt they looked abnormal, just pointing at me (I was a teenager), eg my bloated stomach, rather than showing concern, he'd step back and point. He did it in public too. His criticism of my mother made her shut up and say a lot less, but drink a lot more. And he picked at subjects I chose at school then university. I purposely chose ones he couldn't do, so he couldn't jusge me, eg, Music, German (NOT French), Linguistics, subjects which brought good feedback from teachers and lecturers (not him.) He'd still bring out his old univerity notes, implying I hadn't done well enough as I hadn't done his subjects - I'M NOT HIM! He's done enough harm as it is! He took away any confidence my mother might have had, and destroyed a great deal of mine too. I'm only just finding my feet again since my mother passed last year. My brother refuses to talk to me - he's helped ruin my life on many occasions, with his controlling wife. I don't need them!

I used to wonder why your voice seems so quiet in these videos. Now I know. I'm told many times by people only a few feet away that they cannot hear me. We speak quietly, lest something 'bad' happen if we are too loud. I remember crawling to my room, alone, after being abused by three members of my family, who were yelling at me that I was "making too much noise," by crying. God bless you, Dr. Reid. The title alone "The Scapegoat Child’s Strengths Are Not the Product of Narcissistic Abuse" means so much for those of us who've had well-meaning friends state that "if it wasn't for the abuse, you wouldn't be the person you are today!" You're damn right I wouldn't be. I'd have been happier, more successful and in a healthy warm and loving relationship with a man who genuinely loved me. The underlying message is, "I already had strength, warmth, empathy, compassion and kindness in me. I didn't get that 'abused' into me. Those things were already there." When years of repressed memories resurfaced in 2022-2023 (some still resurfacing in 2024 but at a much slower pace), I was amazed and shocked at the person I was at age 13. I may have been somewhat haughty and know-it-all and a bit of a lazy student, but I was also warm, friendly, energetic, musically talented, and had a nice figure (I had believed I had chunky thighs, a flat chest and a plain face). I was kind and sympathetic, but also protective of those I cared for with an absolute sense of justice. My anger was righteous and usually centered around a perceived injustice of myself or a situation. What shocked me the most was the memory of being an extrovert! I used to just walk up to strangers and introduce myself. I was excited at each new experience, and sought out friendships and pen pals everywhere I went. For decades I had believed myself an introvert. In short, I liked who I was. I knew who I was. I trusted my instincts and followed my intuition. I was keenly aware of my surroundings and took the extra steps to make others feel safe and comfortable in my presence. I really liked me. Only 'after' did I become angry, bitter, distrustful, a people-pleaser, scared, fake, toxically positive, prone to fits of rage and dissociative / ditzy and quick to end a relationship while also being quick to take someone back who was not good for me. Abuse didn't give me a single good trait. My good traits were abused into exile, replaced with those 'bad' traits assigned to me.

That was very well said. Childhood gets skipped in those narcissistic parentel settings. Our first sin and burden, was the awareness that we, at a tender age, had to think like an adult while acting like a child. (Both roles required us to fake it, requiring us to invent our characters' personality). Seperating from our feelings and emotions to survive an odd distorted psychological war zone. We had to live in our heads. It is a state where we were required to be more alert and attentive then our parent(s) with the job of living with the feelings from inappropriateness (ie sin) of the dynamic of being a secret keeper. Back then, we needed to guess at what normal was. Amazingly, now as adults, we need to relieve ourselves of our primary sin(s) through the use of awareness, once again. Though it is painful once again to be aware, we are today beginning to gain our true recovery from the unique experience. Today, we are surrounded by God's gifts of others who understand our burdens and are healing too. And finally, an important gift from God, is the gift of very wise counsel like this channel, that guides us out of the thorny thicket of our shameful feelings from having had to perform inappropriate roles like an actor on a stage. When we would, of course, preferred being an actual child. Healing today from our trauma from our families, dramas allows us to feel and embrace a healing love cleansing. And overtime, through healing, we can let go of the heavy burden of confusing shame, of being a very aware and emotionally numb child. Vigilent to our surroundings as a child, was following the screenplay written by our screenwriter narcissistic parent(s). Today we can have a thinking feeling healing daily life in emotional safety. Putting down our burdens lifts our spirits. "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

I dreaded the school reports coming. Even though I had good reports my mother was never happy with them, always finding fault. This led to lack of confidence in my abilities, which I never really got over, I feared leaving school and felt totally unprepared for whatever came next.

Thank you, and btw your dog in the background is so cute.🥰

What a beautiful man ❤

We all got very distorted reflection’s. We have to find the more realistic (aligned) view’s of ourselves from securely attached people ❤

Great video! I’ve always thought my strengths were due to my suffering, but you’re right. It had to be in me to come out. Thanks for this nugget. It helps a lot.

Occasionally I think about the gifts that I got from my alcoholic narcissist borderline dad. And I conclude that they're all basically genetic. Sadly probably part of my propensity for depression does come from genetics as well as my trauma history. I consider the best thing my parents did was to raise me with an open mind religiously. Not with religious dogma. But I belonged to the cult of the family and being the scapegoat sucked. No contact 11 years Plus.

Thankyou for you.

this has come exactly when i personally needed it. iv been wondering if im no more than the product of a lie and that the strong qualities are solely a response to abuse ... fab video !

POINTS The narcissist resents your gift when it is not in service to them. They must co-opt or take what is yours. In public they praise your gift because that serves their purpose; in private they hate your gift. Anything they can use to destroy you is a benefit to them, including destroying or manipulating your gift. It hurts you to have something taken away, so taking away from your gift is a form of abuse. If they know they can hurt you, they will.

Very true and timely for me. I like the "claim your strength" motto, has a sort of Mortal Kombat "test your might" vibe, which is pretty much what narcissistic abuse amounts to. Strength and compassion to everyone and thank you for this video, Jay.

That which does not kill you makes you stranger (not stronger)

"deprived, devalued, & controlled" 100% 100% 100% now how can I sue her for it...

as ever, a really concise, eloquent, and accurate description that helps me understand my adaptations and how that can change by rethinking how I view development and by claiming characteristics as my own I can let go of that queasy feeling, slight self hatred and disgust or mistrust of qualities that are useful, or good. .

It makes sense for narcissist to be surrounded by empathic people. Including the spouse. This makes it more likely for their children to have empathic traits.

Another amazing video Jay! This is so eye-opening for me as a survivor of narcissistic abuse. Especially the part about empathy being a gift of it’s own. Thank you.

Really good insights into a piece of the puzzle I hadn't quite figured out.

Some people's lives are 100% ruined by what has happened already. Not everybody can spend thousands of dollars on years of therapy.

I was the scapegoat in my narc family. They hated all my talents, intelligence and good looks. It is still so painful and anger fueling to think of myself that it is who I am. It makes me feel unsafe and in need to find an explanation. I feel so much understanding and respect from you, thank you so much.

This helped provide some insight for me. The example with the therapist at the end, that really helped me. I'm on this journey now (to discover who I am) so the timing of this video is uncanny. 🙂

Are you a mind reader? I am currently struggling with this concept. I needed to hear this. Thank you

Another reason survivors think this is because some therapists will tell them this or encourage this thinking by looking for what good came out of the situation or looking for a "why" & "everything happens for a reason," or "what can you be grateful for?" NOT to mention cultural messages around this way of thinking. And the idea that we are responsible for everything that happens, that we "manifest" it. All these ways of thinking can undermine true healing for survivors. Some therapists do more harm than help.

I was ignored and punished for being smarter and more kind than my stepfather's kids, who were older than me. They beat me up and sexaully harassed me (every damn generation of them - son/dad/grandad!) But I'm the bad guy for cutting them out of my life and telling the truth.

Thank you professor Reid.

Thank you so much Jay. Everything you say is so insightful and really helps to breakdown the past with better understanding and also, sadly, the present.

Thank you so much for this!!

Yes I feel my strength and and autodidactic way of living comes from the fact that I was left to fend for myself without the support of my mother. No support from father or siblings. Because I had to experience and learn everything on my own. That was what gave me strength. That's my perception. Let's see if I have the same view after watching the video.

Thank you for your brilliant observations.

I recently talked about how as a teenager, I became “obstinate, mouthy, and trouble.” Never realized I was BECOMING EXACTLY WHO MY PARENTS AND OLDER BROTHERS TOLD ME I WAS. All these years I’ve believed I was becoming “tough” because I “had to,” not because they made me believe those things about myself!!! 😢

Jay I love this! It’s so true we feel defined by our trauma and others feel that way too. I came into the world with these innate traits…..

Exactly. It's your strengths that helped you survive. Also, a narcissistic parent works with what they have. They didn't abuse someone into being a thoughtful, caring person. That's not how abuse works. The narcissistic parent uses their child's strengths for their own gain. Basically, they use your strength for their survival.

Hi Jay! This is my favorite videos you’ve done. I love your explanation about how the child of the narcissist copes with the stress of staying in action to someone who is so hurtful and abusive. I also really appreciate the way you explained the impact of inaccurate mirroring and being narcissistic extension. Thank you so much, Jay! Warmly, Courtney (psychotherapist in Eugene)

Everything you say in your videos is much worse in patriarchal systems. It is "normal" until children grow up and realize how abnormal everything is. Being hypervigilant and able to read the room are byproducts among the other adaptive skills. Thank you for very helpful explanations.

I am so grateful to u because u just helped me reframe my own strenghts ( anger agaiinst unfairness and scapegoating ) agaibst a so called Angry Hostile person and self shaming I blamed myself for my fight responses to childhood and adult narciistic abuse and subsequent cardiac illness U lifted a big barrier i felt against self care Much grattitude . As a counsellor myself i refer my clients to ur felt experential wisdom on scapegoating .. thank you again 🎉

I am grateful for this video. I needed this video. I need to stop giving credit to my destroyers, for I have two working in tandem, that I still manage to cling to life.

Very good 👍 perspective thanks

Brilliant! Many thanks,!✨✨✨✨✨

Scapegoat's strengths .... Your videos are spot on and very helpful. Thank you for validating me.

Brilliant video 📸✨thanks Jay🙏Sending blessings to you and Brizo🐶Happy holidays 🤗🌈🌟

Thank you for this ❤

I like your content and style of delivery. Ofcourse it won’t give you as many subscribers and views as some of the click bate channels and videos. One of my very favorite channel, an excellent therapist I have worked with, has become so click bait-ey in the past 2-3 years because of you tube algorithms.

We aren't strong because we were scapegoated. We were scapegoated for being strong. In addition, as a PTSD-haver, I think the myth that "trauma makes you stronger" is a problem. Many people don't come out of trauma stronger, they come out disabled, impoverished, addicted, and broken. It creates an expectation that trauma survivors will all be high-functioning, and if we aren't, people wonder why we aren't Superman or immediately recovered.

Thank you, Jay. It is easy to discount strengths this way. Bringing awareness. Also, ❤ sleeping puppy.

I have been waiting on this video. Thank you so much. Exactly my question at the moment.

Bless you Jay, you are great, thank you

100% thank you.

I appreciate your videos so much 🙏🏾

Great message

Thank you so much for your video/message. I found so many helpful pieces within it. 🙂

Very insightful. 😊

Thank you.

Very good 😊❤

thank you

You’re right. Cartoon makers never use trees as anthropomorphism control tactic however using animals works because animals can be cartooned to be wealthy and have superior/ superhuman traits like flying and having muscles and having an expensive outfit and having sex appeal. Of course using cartoons because kids are more “ moldable” than adults by using this type of material reward system.

I'm an Empath,that takes in others energies and has warm healing hands and Clearvoians.I began to pray to God for cleansing and protection,a decade ago bcs I am sensitive and gets easily drained by others,I get empowered after praying and self-love came automatically after I started praying.As a Scapegoat child of two Narc's,with a violent father,I wouldn't have found self-love without God. JazzyT,with a Golden child sister.

They had to adopt the belief they are defective….how to overcome this???

Eyebrows are looking 👌🏾

although i can feel the genuine good intention of the speaker to help people and a warm heart behind it, this is a very logical approach to heal the emotional pain especially for empaths, which doesnt work for everyone. The approach feels really disconnected to me and i struggle to understand these concepts in a visceral way in my body. I prefer the somatic therapy or art therapies which are based on sensory understanding experiences and give a lot more room for organic releasing of the negative beliefs.

When will the online panel of therapists be ready to offer their services?

🙏

Omg wow

❤

Thank you for this affirming video❤ I am a psychoevolutionary astrologer, coach and survivor of parental narc abuse. I can see within my astrology chart and others these symbols and patterns of empathy and awareness, and I've often questioned whether these traits are byproducts of the childhood upbringing or if we are born with these gifts. My review of astrology charts tells me it is the latter. Thank you for your confirmation from a clinical perspective of what I have intuited and perceived in my own work as a coach and astrologer. Second, you just helped me to really nail why I felt i had to cut off a recent associate in spite of sensing I was in no real danger. I became frustrated because I could not get any empathy from the individual and I made her aware of how this was affecting me. She didn't know how to be emotionally empathetic but only cognitively empathetic and kept reflecting back on her own needs although I has already apologized for her hurt feelings. Seeing that I was not going to get any mutual validation or emotional empathy from this person, I realized it was going to be an ongoing relarionship pattern and so i released this person with grace and goodwill. I have been mulling over this situation trying to understand why it was so important to have mutual empathy in that situation, although I knew I did no harm to this person.

Can you please talk you father narcissists as well. I like your content but I would like to hear more about fathers.

Mighty Mouse 👊🐁🩷

Wow, handsome!

i have a question about gaming and narcissistic people. so i have been assertive and sometimes less so sometimes i call them a ass hole and yet after game is over they try and invite me? why? like its obvious we dont like each other so why inv me. i think its the situation of stay close so i can keep abusing u tho honestly why?

Imo, this kind of "explaining away" your own strengths can also develop and/or get stronger later/outside the family of origin because some people constantly misuse the concept of "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I know it did for me. Get stronger that is. And at least in my experience it's mostly cis men who push that narrative -- "you can only do X because you had to deal with Y, so stop whining about Z because you'll only get stronger if you grit your teeth and go through it". I mean, urgh. Not only do they forget about the first part of their favourite mantra and push survivor bias, but also play into this toxic narrative that our strengths aren't our own.