How to Bypass An Avoidant Attachment Style's Defenses To Connect More Deeply!

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In today's video, Thais Gibson walks us through bypassing the core wounds of the dismissive avoidant attachment style (dismissive avoidants). Watch now to find out these common core wounds and what they mean as Thais provides useful tips and guidance.
To learn more, explore the transformative course, "Advanced Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style Course: Your Guide to Thrive in the 6 Stages of a Relationship", for powerful tools you can begin using immediately on your journey!
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:11 - Sharing Needs | Avoiding Shame
00:05:10 - Conflict | Trauma Response
00:07:24 - Feeling Trapped
00:09:55 - Positive Reinforcement | Vulnerability Wound
00:11:25 - Validate Their Emotions
00:14:22 - Fear Opening Up
00:15:11 - Sensitive to Helplessness or Powerless
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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
I created the Personal Development School, an online learning platform that gives users the ability to create true and long-lasting change in their lives through personal development courses that are designed to give you a breakthrough in every area of your life, with a 99.7% satisfaction rate.
Our KZfaq videos give you a glimpse into this in-depth course content. Much of what you'll learn here is based on your attachment style and how that affects the relationships you have with your family, friendships, and of course, your romantic relationships.
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #DismissiveAvoidant #DismissiveAvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachment #AvoidantAttachmentStyle #DismissiveAvoidantCourse #DismissiveAvoidantNeeds #UnmetNeeds

Пікірлер: 280

@amdv3288 2 ай бұрын

Dating an avoidant is the best way to see your own patterns. If there is true love this is magic and very painful but so worth it. It will trigger all your insecurities so you can heal yourself ❤

@Nika-je6zd 2 ай бұрын

True - it felt like being in few months of lessons learning.

@fhunt01 Ай бұрын

Yes! All of my relationships shine light on my shadow, but a romantic relationship with an avoidant is like a floodlight.

@rontan799 Ай бұрын

Why should we be the ones going for therapy to be perfect, while the DAs stonewall , making us walk on eggshells and not do anything for healing?

@certifiedhoarder Ай бұрын

Very true. They love the traits in you they wish they had, and hate in you the traits they hate in themselves. So to maintain distance with you, theyll hypocritcally project all the things that hate in themselves onto you. Subconciously they know theyre selfish for instance.. so theyll scream that in your face to push you back to where they dont feel pressure to perform or deal with feelings

@Pilbaratrucking Ай бұрын

That’s interesting.

@Brinaweenahwoo 3 ай бұрын

As a DA, thank you to all of the others in our lives who are working to meet us as we grow. It's not something you have to do but something we appreciate. Thank you.

@EthanosTheMighty 2 ай бұрын

I honestly want my ex to feel loved and I’m afraid that she never will. I truly love her with all of my heart and I don’t care about how much I get hurt from trying to help her. I only want her always and forever.

@EthanosTheMighty 2 ай бұрын

I know she cares about me and is only scared of losing her independence how can I assure her that she won’t?

@buellerferris Ай бұрын

@@EthanosTheMighty You really need to learn how to respect yourself to walk away from people who will never appreciate you

@EthanosTheMighty Ай бұрын

@@buellerferris I have learned I’m now on track for healing and getting someone who has the ability to appreciate and love me unconditionally

@TheAlixir 3 ай бұрын

Learning from Thais this is What I said to him that contributed to him committing after a year of situationshipness. “Doesn’t have to be today, tomorrow or even next week, but I need certain non negotiable needs met and need to see the needle move or we may have to start taking an honest look at incompatibility” I just wanted him to spend more time with me. He ended up saying he loves me and we became official. Wow!!! It worked!

@KentBuchla 3 ай бұрын

It won’t last unless the Avoidant does DEEP work, which they won’t, as they hide from emotional discomfort. Prepare yourself and/or get out now.

@LeeChrissy 3 ай бұрын

I love that for you! Avoidants can be great partners. ❤

@KentBuchla 3 ай бұрын

100% won’t work. See you in the same spot, year after year.

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 3 ай бұрын

@@KentBuchla you don't know that. Why would you even say that? How's it helpful?

@taylorbee4010 3 ай бұрын

He got scared of you leaving

@marcokuhner2445 2 ай бұрын

If you date a DA as an Anxiously attached person, having to follow all these rules is gonna make you feel less heard and at some point the pain will be so big you can’t keep it inside anymore

@Mushpoie 17 күн бұрын

As a former AP, once I became self-aware, dating a DA was the single biggest catalyst in my journey to become SA. It was what she needed from me, and the caregiver tendency in me knew that it was what she needed. I also knew being that way was what I needed. So I slowly became that. I am forever grateful for experiencing that with her.

@LMAR207 3 ай бұрын

The only thing I don't like about these videos is that they're always structured around how we should cater to an avoidant. If the person doesn't know they're an avoidant, or don't want to acknowledge that they are, then all we're doing is enabling them to continue their toxic behavior. I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around their tendency to dismiss relationships. They need to work on healing their core wounds and then we can approach the relationship from a secure standpoint.

@LeeChrissy 3 ай бұрын

We actually don't have to cater to anyone we don't want to. We can say "This isn't the relationship for me." then leave.

@ericvey 3 ай бұрын

Or wait until they "dismiss" you. That's what I did. I only know about women. Sometimes this type of behavior is temporary and I've seen it change in a few months a few times. In my latest case I patiently waited a few months and saw it get worse, so I was expecting her to dismiss me. BTW, before I saw these videos, I was ignorant about attachment styles lasting long out of childhood.

@harry-james-books 3 ай бұрын

Exactly

@bobbylacy2374 2 ай бұрын

Amen! Catering to them and the destruction they cause is how we found out about the DA personality.

@Anthony-nq9ih 2 ай бұрын

Or how’s this… if you truly love this person, show them her videos on identifying the different types. If they try, they care about your relationship. If not, then they’re probably not the one for you

@SandraWade666 3 ай бұрын

I could not say anything less than positive with my FA without him projecting his own internalizing of what I'm saying meaning he's a "bad partner" onto me. It was like he didn't understand anything I said because his defenses were so strong. And i always used "i feel" "I think" language and talk about behavior not character but he still projected onto me. He will have a hard time finding someone like me who is secure AND tried to communicate with him nicely and healthily with him, or someone who did as much work as I did!!

@angelinadenisenko7396 3 ай бұрын

I feel the same way. Even the most gentle approach, he found a way to personalize it and tell me he's not good enough, completely derailing the original point. It becomes all about him, but he tells me, "It's always about you". Can make you feel crazy!

@bobbylacy2374 2 ай бұрын

I told my spouse I just work for him and am required, not by choice, to do everything he doesn't want to do. These tasks still have to get done but he won't do it or even offer to help. So over it.

@SK-no2pp 3 ай бұрын

If someone acts like your partner but refuses to use titles, it's because they aren't ready for a relationship, want to keep their options open, or aren't sure about you. Titles define a relationship. There's no ambiguity when there's a title, which is why labels scare people who aren't read to commit. Relationships are about actions AND words. When it comes to relationships, actions don't always speak louder than words. One is not more important than the other. The important thing is whether someone's actions align with their words. To avoid using a title, people might say things like let's just take it slow, I want to enjoy what we have, I like things the way they are, I don't want to get hurt, I don't do labels, it's too much pressure, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, the timing isn't right, let's see how things are going in a few months, etc... But when a person is ready to commit, comfortable with intimacy, and sure about you, the way they act will align with the words they speak

@christyannceraso 3 ай бұрын

Enough already! We understand them better than they understand themselves and we have tried everything!

@gregvanpaassen 3 ай бұрын

Blame their mothers.

@michaels.2936 3 ай бұрын

So true

@mrstoner2udude799 3 ай бұрын

Agree! I'm moving on.

@codyjones1098 3 ай бұрын

amen!!!

@Dragooneater 3 ай бұрын

We try understanding them so bad that we excuse what they do out of empathy. And that is just not it. So anyone reading this, if you have to keep stating your boundaries and your needs are repeatedly not getting met. Just walk away. Better you than them abruptly ghost out of the “pressure”. Trust.. it won’t hurt as much

@cher9345 3 ай бұрын

All good info, but when they totally clam up not much a person can do.

@KP-vl1to 3 ай бұрын

Its often when they know they're not doing enough, they will be hyper sensitive to anything you say.

@nannyboo9832 3 ай бұрын

Exactly. They have a shame/guilt complex and it’s sometimes impossible to even communicate w them w/o making them run

@seanrice5693 3 ай бұрын

This is complete bullshit. It’s essentially “change your entire life and procedure to accommodate a DA.” Just run. They aren’t worth the effort.

@codyjones1098 3 ай бұрын

YEP!!! DONT waste your own life!!! You are not the thrapist!!

@harry-james-books 3 ай бұрын

Amen

@katharinaheckmann4962 Ай бұрын

You should never change your whole life to suit someone else but she is talking about a situation in which both partners are trying to learn how to communicate across the different attachment styles. DAs are very problem solving oriented and even though this seems hard for some of you to understand they learn at least as much about their partners attachment style and preferred way of communication as the other parties do. I don’t know why this is so hard for some of you to see.

@solongmari 3 ай бұрын

I can be friends with an avoidant, but never lover. Once was enough. I became anxious and I'm usually secure. It was crazy. Good for maybe a fling or a casual situation, but you really need to find a avoiding whos self aware for it to work. Which i think its rare to find..

@codyjones1098 3 ай бұрын

YA been there!

@gregorystinette8271 3 ай бұрын

Please keep making these educational videos; we live in a society that is totally dysfunctional & nobody knows how to act because parents don't know how to raise children. Shalom

@amdv3288 2 ай бұрын

Agree and bringing them to childcare is so unhealthy

@espiritualidadetarot3779 3 ай бұрын

I am very thankful to you, Thais, for this channel and its insights. It is helping me finally understand what happened with a couple of very good friends who, unfortunately, are DAs who don't want to work on themselves and just discard people. Understanding them is finally helping me heal, get closure, forgive and move forward. I am relieved to learn that it was about them, not me, and understanding their psychological struggles and pain allows me to replace anger with compassion, which facilitates forgiveness. Because they are not evil narcissists as I had considered, which was very hard to forgive. I feel deeply for the people who are in relationships with DAs. This video is necessary for them. As for me, my personal choice is to not go down this rabbit hole again. I want securely attached relationships. Maybe I could even cope with an anxious partner. But an unhealed DA who doesn't want to get better? Thanks, but no, thanks.

@sifublack192 3 ай бұрын

Seems like a lot of work and is eerily similar to the constant validation the APs need in a relationship. I've always just addressed things in a loving way and guaged the response I received. I'd either leave it stay depending on the response.

@souliog 3 ай бұрын

Best thing I did was divorce my DA😅…my new girl gives me the healthy attachment I deserved

@user-uc1oy3zk4t 3 ай бұрын

I realize that avoidant people usually have very high awareness about "power dynamics", the kind of language subcomunication best seen in presidential debates, and that's why the are very sensitive to microagressions, they learned early to understand those as threats to their social status.

@katharinaheckmann4962 Ай бұрын

Avoidants come from a trauma background. Obviously they would be scanning for micro aggressions.

@edwong4178 2 ай бұрын

As a practitioner of schema therapy, I imagine most, if not all, dismissive avoidants having a core of defectiveness due to emotional neglect from their caregivers/parents. Kids tend to internalise the shame of not being afforded the affection or attention they deserve, blaming themselves rather than the caregivers for not being good enough. To avoid this shame, they then reject their need for emotional connection. They also overcompensate by learning to depend only on themselves as relying on anyone else will remind them of the shame of not being able to rely on their caregivers.

@danijackson1107 3 күн бұрын

DAs are amazing people and we can learn so much from them about ourselves. It’s an interesting learning curve and if you end up with them or no (in my case ten years on and off) it’s a lesson to be learned and something to be healed. ❤

@TheAlixir 3 ай бұрын

I find I do well communicating until he says “I’m not doing this right now” and something inside me gets triggered and I fall into unhealthy communication. I’ve learned this so try to stop myself but I’m feeling crazy the entire time. I think it triggers abandonment and makes me fear that he’s trying to train me to keep my mouth shut as the narcissists I was with before would do.

@vanessap8717 3 ай бұрын

Well it very invalidating and disrespectful, reactive abuse is a thing. Yes you need to keep your integrity in these moments, but dealing with this type of behaviour will make you crazy. Good luck, I hope you find happiness. Don’t abandon yourself too long.

@angelinadenisenko7396 3 ай бұрын

This is exactly what my ex would say and the silent treatment would begin. Triggered me massively but I could see how wrong a week long silent treatment was, so I tried extremely hard to be present in the reality and not make excuses for him. To see it exactly for what it was.

@brianburris 3 ай бұрын

Wow , I think I just wrote this. Why can't I find someone that isn't a narcissist, that actually wants to stay in a relationship even if there is a small disagreement, I just want someone to add to my life, I'm a really good man, I raised my son on my own, I'm a home owner on my own, I love hard. I don't cheat . I try so hard. .why don't ppl just want to be happy together , be nice to each other and have a life together. And give each other our needs , not this one way relationship stuff. I'm 36 I'm tired of starting over after always trying so hard , only reason I have had long relationships is because I fought for them . I can't fight for someone anymore that won't fight for me back .

@bobbylacy2374 2 ай бұрын

@@brianburrisTry being 65, with terminal cancer, and facing starting over. Being at the end of my rope, I was researching marital issues and this term was used. I just learned I've been in a 25 year relationship (20 year marriage) with a Dismissive Avoidant for the first time yesterday. It fits him perfectly. I understand the person can learn to change this but, at 72, I doubt my husband will. 😢

@TheAlixir 2 ай бұрын

@@bobbylacy2374 just yesterday you found this information?! Oh my! Well Im so glad you’ve found it. It can help, i promise you it can. There is a lot of good info out there but there’s also bad. Use your discernment. This channel and school has changed my life like night and day. There are also videos by men for DA men… I think his name is Adam. I highly recommend trying the 7 day trial with PDS. There’s live webinars everyday and you’ll meet a lot of us who’ve gone through similar situations and Thais can answer your personal questions too. And more often than not people do “change” once they know how. Theres hope.

@luketimewalker 3 ай бұрын

Priceless insights but I'm having the hardest time HEARING what you have to say... sound quality is totally hashed!!!

@taylorbee4010 3 ай бұрын

I needed this six months ago

@harry-james-books 3 ай бұрын

Better late than never

@lilredheaded1 3 ай бұрын

Thank you for creating and sharing.

@isabelsmith109 2 ай бұрын

Can you start a podcast so i can just have you on in the background all the time lol i love the content its the main thing i listen to on youtube 😅

@BruceJC75 3 ай бұрын

When they future fake and bring up all these milestones themselves, why would you have any reason to believe that they would pull the rug out from under you?

@Visioneering1 2 ай бұрын

Catering to a DA? What’s the next video? Catering to a Narc? 🧐

@Wealth_through_Health22 Ай бұрын

It is getting old. I wish she would do some videos on how avoidants have to cater to their anxious partner, but I guess she must know that would get zero clicks by avoidants.

@Pilbaratrucking 2 ай бұрын

I have recently married a Filipina lady, this is one hurdle straight away as they don’t think like a western woman obviously. But she is definitely a dismissive avoidant I think. When I ring her to talk (I work away) she asks me if I’m alright. I say sure, are you. Then she starts by saying, because you always have a drama I’m scared of you. I am totally at loss what is going on as I just want to be sweet and kind and see how her day went. It’s like she wants to fight.

@tmreaves1 3 ай бұрын

I dont want to feel like a fool. I do want to be better at dealing with DA. i think it helps me to grow also but when and where do i draw the line. This journey is a lot of work. I guess i wish someone took the time and did the work for me but the truth is it is up to the individual.

@Littleowl85352 3 ай бұрын

Can you do the work for you? Spend the time on your self development?

@tmreaves1 3 ай бұрын

@Littleowl85352 yes I am. You don't even know how much growth you need or how much you need to grow until you are in relationships or having relationship. All I can do is work on me.

@codyjones1098 3 ай бұрын

NO NO NO NO!!! WHAT ABOUT YOUR NEEDS? YOUR LIFE? You have value.,,worth a life just for you!!

@HealingHappyAli 3 ай бұрын

I would love small relationship Ho To guide books based on Attachment Type. I unfortunately raised my kids as an FA, I did my best and provided well but I know have DA and FA kids who are navigating relationships. They are new to relationships but if the self-strageties, relationship strategies are in books/journal type books I could leave them around or send as little gifts without being too codependent 😅

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 3 ай бұрын

Same. My son is a sweetheart, but definitely leans avoidant and my daughter seems to be showing FA traits. I try to help them resolve things in a healthy way. We have a lot of deep conversations together.

@J_goober 3 ай бұрын

You are dating someone for a few good months but yet, you don’t want to pose the question, “what are we?” Just to protect their feelings. I appreciate a lot of your content and I’ve learned a lot, but I also feel that the information given is to justify and coddle the avoidant. But yet, what about the other half of the relationship? A relationship is a 2 way street and should be treated as such, not just one person giving more for the other because the other can’t do the work to realize what is going on within themselves.

@SK-no2pp 3 ай бұрын

@chrissyemert8781 2 ай бұрын

I am anxious attachment. I am working through my own issues, my husband is avoidant. I have to learn to "loosen my grip" and he has to learn how to hold me a bit tighter. The only way our marriage will work is if i learn to hold his hand and not climb into his soul and he is ok with seeing the fire in my heart. We have to keep each other at arms length.

@orca21fernando 2 ай бұрын

That's so interesting. I'm a DA but I always go into fight mode in conflict - I don't like conflict but I get so defensive that I will destroy the other person in front of me

@malutka112 Ай бұрын

I dont like the comments section, people who say 'just leave them alone, run, no one should cater to a DA' etc...i would agree but only under certain circumstances. If you are newly dating or the DA never compensates and doesnt care that his behavior bothers you. My husband is a total DA and I do empathise and respect him and understanding him better helped me adapt my communication style. Because I love him and we have a family and im not going to dump it all because of his attachment type. I have anxious attachment by the way, but his consistency and lack of volatility helps me feel more secure even if we are rarely as "close" as Id like to be.

@nannyboo9832 3 ай бұрын

I feel like DAs get turned off about someone else’s needs? They don’t want to be relied upon in my experience, especially severe avoidants who fear enmeshment. It’s a lose lose I guess lol

@ensulalachance8353 2 ай бұрын

This makes sense

@noraa3815 3 ай бұрын

Being traumatized by a FA is something I never saw coming. Putting a term FA with a little bow tie is not enough. This is a serious mental health condition and one that needs to be disclosed in the first couple dates. It is unfair to people who are normal and wanting normal healthy relationships.

@jarvisgiles5392 3 ай бұрын

I sadly agree. I was trying to connect with an FA, and they are in no way trying to build anything. It's literally one-sided. They don't speak, check-in or nothing. Makes me feel desperate. I'm an AP and it not good for my health 😮‍💨

@harry-james-books 3 ай бұрын

Google "Quiet BPD"

@firstnamelastname-ve9gj 21 күн бұрын

Are you unable to screen your dates? She has videos on this. It's your responsibility to take care of you. Don't blame it on the FA

@markcafebrown2883 3 ай бұрын

Hi ThIs. Yes middle ground 100%. If you over support or under support they do close down. Was this a live I mused?

@tucky3191 3 ай бұрын

Thank you Thais!! You deserve so much more views

@Align45 24 күн бұрын

Spot on with the distracting music! I know better now, but the 2 avoidants I had “the pleasure” of being with could not be in silence. One even admitted it was so he didn’t have to feel his emotions (we ended not long after due to his overall avoidant behavior..I finally saw all I needed to see to call it)!

@rockyroad9709 3 ай бұрын

YOU MAKE SO MUCH SENSE !!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!

@Sethicorn 3 ай бұрын

Thanks for this video! I was just writing my FA that I’m not getting enough time with her and it was feeling like an ultimatum (it kinda is). Your advice made me realize I was being too pushy so I softened the language and included positive feedback. I hope it works!

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 3 ай бұрын

Thanks for doing that. I'm a healing FA and can't seem to date because I don't want to see anyone more that 3 or 4 times a month. That's why I don't even try dating. My ex is avoidant so he totally got me but most don't. Softening the conversation will definitely land better with her. ❤

@vanessap8717 3 ай бұрын

How would you soften it? Any examples?

@Sethicorn 3 ай бұрын

I went from “This is not working for me. I need more out of this relationship. Here’s what needs to change: (numbered list)” to something less confrontational . I started with telling her how much I appreciate when we can spend time together, a compliment on a gift she gave me at Christmas, and “I want our relationship to be strong and last a long time. To help that happen, there are a couple things that I think will help us be closer and trusting of each other.” My requests were one date a week, even as simple as coffee is ok, and a phone call or text conversation every night. To me this sounds like the minimum to keep a relationship hanging on, but I have a feeling that it might still be too much for her. She’s been a constant source of pain and frustration (stood me up, ghosted, every text conversation ends unresolved when she goes silent, tells me about fun activities she did with her friends but nothing for me, she forgets important conversations). It’s gone on for more than a year, and I’m finally drawing a line. I hope the softer approach will help. She hasn’t responded yet. I’m not sure what I’m hoping for. I can’t imagine making any kind of long term plans with her, unless she changes DRAMATICALLY and, while I’ve been hoping that my emotional support and trustworthy affection would help her, nothing has changed. I’m not going to hope for that anymore, it’s literally out of my hands and she has said in the past that she just has too much going on to give me what I ask for. I just realized how many times I’ve used “hope” when it comes to my side of this relationship. I’m ready for something real instead of hoping.

@yknowwhatcrys4791 3 ай бұрын

Great video! This is what we need to know abt how to interact and disengage the negative thoughts/behaviors/ruminations before they start. Thank you! 😊

@isabelsmith109 2 ай бұрын

My DA would be terrifieed at the title of thisvideo. His eyes would get big. 😂 and he would be scared. My opinion is once i can see how vulnerable he really is and how much he feels, its really easy to get why so many walls are in fact up.

@nymeria5013 2 ай бұрын

Literally be his or her mother 🤦🏾‍♀️ only that they are not an actual toddler having an emotional breakdown.And they can also make adult decisions such as walk away🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️ NO. If they are not working on their trauma NO.

@thevent8059 3 ай бұрын

Hey, what is the name of the full webinar this was cut from in the school? I’d like to watch it please and thank you 😊

@OnZFlyStudio 2 ай бұрын

As a DA. I've been going to therapy as well for BPD. Talk about a shit storm I am. But all of these videos highlight things that I have been identifying to help reduce these issues. Seeing everyone say to run sucks. I get it. I've pushed my wife so far after 6 1/2 years. 2 years of separation and therapy and trying was still not good enough for her.

@jonathanfarmer6010 Ай бұрын

Why don’t you do any videos on how the avoidants could be better with anxious people? This is absolutely exhausting. As someone who has worked to be more secure…I don’t think anyone should hold these peoples hands and do all the work for them. That’s called enabling.

@KellyCostello-xw8be Ай бұрын

When I try to validate emotions or give love to my DA, he laughs at me. This is a mentally exhausting GAME.

@misika724 Ай бұрын

The more I watch these videos, the more convinced I am that avoidants are the least satisfying person to date. Avoid the avoidant.

@robsterling9903 3 ай бұрын

She’s a runner - watch and walk away - she’s a runner you can’t make her stay

@Elle10033 3 ай бұрын

Do any of these apply to FA leaning DA? I'm having issues with FA meeting more of my needs.

@anna_be_tripping 2 ай бұрын

The question is, is there anyone here who's healed from being a DA? Is it possible to heal and become more secure ??? As a DA i hate that im so closed off, i am desperate to change and try save my relationship. Ill do anything but sometimes it feels impossible to change. I just discovered this channel and hoping to hear from others who have done the course, did it work

@denisemay3996 2 ай бұрын

Thank you.

@victoriabernhard1036 3 ай бұрын

Sounds exhausting 😢. Love shouldn't be soooo difficult

@harry-james-books 3 ай бұрын

Love isn't, but an avoident doesn't love you, they love themselves

@lauren3027 3 ай бұрын

Hi Thias, I truly cannot thank you enough for putting out these videos, they are so helpful and informative for me, I love all the examples and practical tips you offer! I have a question: recently I had a guy tell me needs are fake. I kinda understand what he means since I could say, for example, I need to chat 2-4x per week to feel connected and loved, but is it actually necessary? I need consistency, but if it's imperfect, does that negate all the previous effort? If it becomes consistently imperfect, that might change my feelings towards a man, so I see how those are things I need to progress a relationship, but how would I address a comment like that? He agreed children have needs, but I guess I am not sure if that was gaslighting or a narcissistic comment, or a red flag? I have trouble identifying these things since I have had to question reality so much throughout my life, and I find it a struggle to express my needs so hearing a comment like this was confusing for me, even though I realize that he may not be the right person for me if he doesn't care about what I feel is important for me in a relationship..

@cynthiaars8140 Ай бұрын

It's strange, I'm a DA and when I open up about a problem to someone else, I hate when they actually just validate but don't help... like, I open up because I'm looking for solutions, not to be told "I'm sorry for you"... must be just me, I don't know.

@dentrout9383 3 ай бұрын

❤❤❤

@angelcandelaria6728 2 ай бұрын

Damn. This sounds exhausting. How do i get a chance to speak to them honestly and intimately? Im 20 years deep and trying to be so patient. I feel like there is never enough time or space for me in conversation. Its very one sided

@Wealth_through_Health22 Ай бұрын

You need to leave them, you deserve better.

@RyanDainjur Ай бұрын

It constantly blows my mind (after the worst heartache of my life) how blind I was to her perspective and how I don't know a damn thing. I'm never spending another minute of my life without considering my partner's feelings and how they feel when I open my mouth or react. ESPECIALLY when they aren't communicating it the way I need. If only I could go back in time and back hand myself in the big dumb face. God, I miss her.

@beastmodebestman Ай бұрын

What if they tell you they wont forget about you when tell them that you will love and miss them when they are in another Realationship but the new Realationship has only been partime they only see on the weekends and he got arrested and she still wants to see me i dont understand why she is not wanting to connect

@Kay-zv3mk 3 ай бұрын

I am honestly sick of all the avoidant hate that goes on in these comments sections in basically every attachment style video I have seen. I was an anxious attachment style, but now I lean much more secure. I take responsibility for myself and who I allow into my life. If you are coming on here and commenting negatively about avoidants, you probably need to seriously work on yourself before getting into a relationship because you’re spewing the same toxicity that you say avoidants have. I don’t mean to be insensitive, but sometimes you have to be blunt. You are allowed to leave a relationship if you feel it’s one sided, you are allowed to stay and work on it, but either way it’s your choice. Choose your suffering, choose your battle. At the end of the day though, whether you stay or go, you need to figure out who you are and put yourself first, otherwise you’re going to lose yourself in that other person and come on KZfaq to bash them in the comments section instead of actually seeking help.

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 3 ай бұрын

❤

@Littleowl85352 3 ай бұрын

Those are scary people who obviously don't love themselves or others

@Shutzie27 3 ай бұрын

I understand what you're saying, but I'm going to gently push back a bit here and point out the DA's patterns of intermittent reinforcement literally cause a _physical_, neurochemical addictive response. If leaving were a "choice" Thais wouldn't have so many videos explaining that impact and the need for subconscious reprogramming.

@Littleowl85352 3 ай бұрын

@@Shutzie27 as a recovering addict and a DA it is a choice to heal from addiction, to go get the correct help instead of wailing in a corner blaming the world and everyone else for your addiction

@Ann963 3 ай бұрын

⁠@@Littleowl85352 I agree, but I think there is power in learning and understanding the source(s) of one’s addictive behaviors. The problem is what you said, when people *stay* in the external fault-finding so they don’t have to grow.

@BarryMcCaulkiner420 Ай бұрын

If you’re dating a da. You’re in a situation ship. Find someone who give you the whole loaf of bread and not just the crumbs

@motjon 3 ай бұрын

In the background of all of this the disclaimer here is that the avoidants attachment style is NOT conducive for a healthy relationship. So dont go into this expecting that the avoidant will change. Likely, they may not change at all and you have to be okay with that if you choose to continue to have a relationship with that person. It's not personal, they just aren't in the space to heal and until they do the inner-work they will continue to struggle to have healthy interdependent relationships. The choice to stand beside them until that happens is yours.

@nicoledburns82 2 ай бұрын

Im an avoidant with ptsd and betrayal trauma due to my husbands affair. All I hear is how horrid I am for having an avoidant attachment and no accountability for what makes an avoidant attachment style. For everyone bashing the avoidant, make sure you didnt make them that way first and look inwards. Otherwise all you do is verify why we are this way.

@kylel4971 Ай бұрын

Betrayal trauma lol. Just stop being scared of everything not everyone is the same

@NoSenatorson 2 ай бұрын

As an avoidant, I highly resent any form of manipulation. Most of us cope with it at work because it is what we have to do to make a living, but in our personal lives, it’s an absolute no go.

@KellyCostello-xw8be Ай бұрын

The problem is that people like you can construe anything as manipulation.

@NoSenatorson Ай бұрын

@@KellyCostello-xw8be No. There is no “can construe” anything. There is manipulation or there is not. And knowing the difference is not a problem for me, it’s a problem for manipulative people. So, if you consider it a problem, I can’t help you.

@ShimmerSoulSong 2 ай бұрын

I wonder how many DAs are only children? Maybe do a survey? Conflict is Normal. Look at siblings. Many know bickering frequently and still love each other. We need to learn to lean into Repair. And be accountable for our own impact and responses.

@wordsretainpower6250 Ай бұрын

Forget this. How do I bypass my fearful avoidant issues so I can form deeper connections easier

@samuelpayne5460 3 ай бұрын

She’s trying to make a compliment sandwich. It’s so much easier than this. Say what you want, and then be ok with hearing, no I can’t do that. The problem is that you feel entitled to EVERYONE catering to you and your needs instead of saying, I need something from you, what can I do for you to get that? The things you’re telling people to do will backfire

@rontan799 Ай бұрын

Why do we have to be walking on egg shells for DAs, only for them to treat us like shit?

@Mr.Langley 2 ай бұрын

I found out that I am a fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant and my wife said she feels more like a roommate than my wife and I tried to change to make her not feel that way but I guess I couldn't show her more affection that she wanted and I also wanted... It's just so difficult I was wondering why I couldn't do it even though I tried what I felt like wasn't my best but it still wasn't enough 😢

@beac8238 2 ай бұрын

How do you show affection and how does she want you to show affection?

@SK-no2pp 2 ай бұрын

You should read the five love languages

@Wealth_through_Health22 Ай бұрын

JUST WALK AWAY!!!!! They are NOT worth it! You are worth having a healthy relationship with someone else though!

@dudleylandsberg1747 23 күн бұрын

But conflict doesnt have to mean shouting. Shouting is leanign more to the abuse side.

@buellerferris 3 ай бұрын

In other words, you have to walk on eggshells with these people.

@HealingHappyAli 3 ай бұрын

You have to know yourself, your needs, what works for you and state your boundaries in a calm, assertive way. It should be emotionally safe for both parties.

@MySkillfulmeans 3 ай бұрын

Wishing you healing. ❤

@trinaija 3 ай бұрын

I swear I dislike them more and more each day. The whole relationship is about them.

@SunshineAndSnowflakes 3 ай бұрын

@@trinaijathey're actually pretty great humans most of the time. It really depends on the person. I adore my DA friends and exes.

@MarijaEnchantix 3 ай бұрын

@@HealingHappyAli So I have to have gone to therapy, be perfectly healthy and safe, but they are allowed to just be damaged and refuse to do anything about it. But I ahve to show up as perfectly ehaled and reparent them...

@sonnycortez7013 3 ай бұрын

I'm grateful to have subscribed to your channel. May I please offer a respectful request. You speak super fast. By slowing down, it gives the listener an absorption of your words and a vibe without worrying what they missed. I wish to continue my journey as a subscriber. Thank you.

@harry-james-books 3 ай бұрын

Speaks too fast and with a silly fry. I'm English and have loads of American friends, but I have to use the subtitles and run at .75 speed

@bakekay21 3 ай бұрын

You can control the speed of the videos on KZfaq with Playback speed in settings.

@harry-james-books 2 ай бұрын

@@bakekay21 Sure, but why should I have to, and it only makes the fry worse anyway 🤷‍♂ I'm not getting at her - but it's an affectation, not something congenital

@user-nx6ru1rj6k 2 ай бұрын

Didn't know there was a word for it: "fry". Thanks. It makes listening to someone with it a horrible experience.

@SaltyDog-wwrd 7 күн бұрын

Please don't take this as harsh, but for your sake, please invest in a better mic.

@youtubeuser5102 3 ай бұрын

Grow up and heal

@SuperMjai 3 ай бұрын

But the dismissive avoidant is the one who gets loud and aggressive...I don’t understand???

@LeeChrissy 3 ай бұрын

Maybe if it's a fearful avoidant, but all the da's I've had in my life never fight or get loud and aggressive.

@Littleowl85352 3 ай бұрын

@@LeeChrissy we can if we are drunk or highly annoyed

@LeeChrissy 3 ай бұрын

@@Littleowl85352 gotcha. The few DA's in my life are either stoners or sober. I've never seen any overreactive sides of them.

@Littleowl85352 3 ай бұрын

@@LeeChrissy alcohol lets all the repressed emotion out in a horrific way

@Mylo-hi8jo 3 ай бұрын

Nah, Da are completely nuts, and they will make you insane, your best bet is to dump them, they are incapable of relationship, you cannot treat them like children for your sanity move on, it's not your job to fix them, they can nevef be fixed, they are children in an adult body, you will go insane,

@Littleowl85352 3 ай бұрын

Well. Anyone can heal. It's not impossible for us, but it is certainly not the partner's job. In our defence, I am sure no dismissive avoidant actually asked their partner to be their therapist. We really do need to do this ourselves or in a professional setting.

@harry-james-books 3 ай бұрын

FA's are worse. You won't know your arse from your elbow 99% of the time. At least a DA is obvious. FA's are like quicksand

@clownscar 2 ай бұрын

AMEN!

@DeadMysticx 3 ай бұрын

my FA dumper is still triggered if he see me on the street and gets angry. So i dont think I can bypass that. He wont even greet me on the street. lol.

@DaveE99 3 ай бұрын

Why the anger?

@DeadMysticx 3 ай бұрын

@@DaveE99 no idea, I never did anything and went directly into no contact. 7 months ago I moved into his neighbor town because of a new job and since then, everytime he sees me he either stares at me angrily or avoid me completely. I think my whole existence in his area now, triggers him

@ivfel 3 ай бұрын

I experience the same with a DA😂 he broke up with me, and I went straight to no contact. 4 months later he avoids my friends too😂

@DeadMysticx 3 ай бұрын

@@ivfel our breakup was 2 years ago :D

@DaveE99 3 ай бұрын

@@DeadMysticx that’s interesting, I’m FA and that just don’t make a ton of sense to me unless he got really hurt and felt betrayed by it or something, there are some things that can cause us to hold grudges longer too. Perhaps as a protective mechanism. Maybe he invested more than you thought and then got kinda blindsided, I had that happen once and god did that screw with me, it actually was what got me researching how women think feel and behave as well as my self and others. It was like I certainly wasn’t in Kansas anymore. And I’m def not perfectly healed as still more work but god has that just been a sort of cynical things seeing how people work in general, and perhaps it’s the people around me coupled with the out group competition mentality I see amoungst a lot of society.

@Littleowl85352 3 ай бұрын

Reflect honestly on how safe you are as a person before you get snippy at others for not feeling safe around you. Defenses are there for a reason, the world crawls with codependents who want you to toe the line and love them in exactly the right way so they never have to sit with their pain and fear.

@stormyskyz7881 3 ай бұрын

I just just don’t think it’s healthy for AA folks to push to people that clearly still have work to do… mah more videos of DA’s actually doing the weed work😊

@babysaint111 3 ай бұрын

gosh every time i go into one of these vid's comment section i see so many people resenting avoidants for no reason rlly. just go to therapy and accept u had a crappy relationship, not every DA is evil please stfu ✋🏻💀

@bobbylacy2374 2 ай бұрын

Said the Dismissive Avoidant. Scroll on, superior but insecure and damaged being who makes other's lives Hell! .

@junealeksic-wr7cs 2 ай бұрын

Content is great but Your audio is horrible.

@kathymiller699 Ай бұрын

Maybe you could speak a little slower so we have a chance to understand what you're trying to say. Maybe pause once in a while also.

@codyjones1098 3 ай бұрын

You may not communicate "optimoly"! In short , you need to tailor your life to fit their disorder! You want to live that way? You want to be a therapist and waste your life?

@viktoriastegmueller4829 3 ай бұрын

Love your videos, thx for help! ❤ No offend but why are you doing that Kourtney K. thing with yout voice at the end of almost every sentence? It's horrible to listen to. 😢This really hurts my ears

@karolvrchovsky4426 2 ай бұрын

What are you doing? 3:44, 4:11, 5:05, 5:37, 8:00, 9:49, 10:53, 11:40, 15:33 it is very annoying, also bad quality microphone sound and the vocal fry. Thank you for the content, though.