Just a quick heads up, If you're talking to someone and they're nodding, smiling superficially and looking away, it doesn't necessarily mean they're dark. You might just be boring.

I liked my life more when I didn't know what a narcissist was and now I am learning about dark triad personalities. 😫 I want to live on top of a hill overlooking the ocean...ALONE with a cat.

“The poor listener example” “somebody not being good at listening” “bored with what you’re saying” My ADHD ass: *sweats*

"inflated sense of romantic capabilities" - i have to remember this gem.

My personal experience with narcissists is that their biggest giveaway is that they intentionally and progressively violate boundaries. They start out with small tests, and push farther and farther at a relentless pace. They will consistently do things that other people just don't do, and it will feel weird. If you find yourself saying "well, that's just Steve" a lot, it might be a warning sign. If Steve's negative behavior can only be explained by the fact that he's Steve, he's probably doing a lot of stuff healthy people just don't do. Pushing boundaries is all about gaining control of people imo. Narcissists will use any leverage they can find to exert power. They will appoint themselves the enforcer of inconsequential social norms. They will point out insignificant flaws in your behavior, like driving slightly too close to another lane for a few seconds. They will tell you to do things you're going to do anyway to make it look like they're in control of you - they're always waiting for your shoelace to come undone, so they can tell you to tie it. They will point out "mistakes" that are not mistakes. They love to show you the "right way" to do inconsequential things, like how to open a can of cat food, or take a pizza out of the oven (actual examples...). They love adolescent social customs that allow them to project a 'win,' like calling shotgun, and the slugbug game. They are all about gaining control over people by undermining other's competence and inflating their own. They weaponize any sort of guidelines for behavior that they think you might agree with: moral, social custom, peer pressure, self-interest, logic, insecurities, and any other leverage point they can find. They look for things that are difficult to explicitly disagree with, even though they are inconsequential or distorted, and use that to make themselves look bigger and others look smaller. They're very tiresome to be around, because they never stop pushing. Conversation with them is actually just an arena in which they are constantly battling you, even if you don't realize it.

How is it that psychopaths and narcissists seem to have a surplus of mental energy and the rest of us need a nap?

When you talked about the "Bad news" part, I was surprised that you didn't mention that some people's eyes absolutely light up when they hear about something bad that happened to someone else, EVEN A FRIEND. I've seen this and it's one of the most evil things I've witnessed.

Wouldn't mind a bit of Machiavellianism. I can't even plan what to do with a day off

Narcissists are really dangerous. They are skilled at identifying people’s insecurities and will exploit them in order to improve their self-esteem. Narcissists also like to play favorites. They will deliberately praise someone in order to make another person feel bad. Honestly, I think narcissism is the worst of the three traits!

You're an outstanding "public intellectual," enriching the community. We need more like you.

"may talk about owning an island" Eyes widen and holds breath "they'll often do it with excess company" Sighs with relief and continues to day dream about island fantasy involving no other people.

Ex got this glint in his eye when he'd upset me. And a weird grin.

I knew a woman who was a talent booker for some bars and nightclubs. She knew a lot of musical artists and other minor celebrities, and she is not above name-dropping, often in the most appalling of ways. I ran into her at a show one time. I hadn't seen her in years and in the course of a 5 minute conversation she managed to name-drop a guitar player who had tragically killed himself. Now, this was someone she knew, apparently. She claimed to have seen him a few days or weeks before he died. She exclaimed, " I told him not to kill himself, but he didn't take my advice. He went ahead and did it anyway." Like, stupid guy, shoulda listened! I mean the guy died, and still she's the victim. Something off there.

I was married to a man diagnosed with anti social personality disorder. What a long strange trip that was! Just glad I got therapy and got out. The subtle signs you spoke of... please don’t ignore them!

I have a sibling who when you have good news to share, they always have better news. Or when something bad happens, they always have a worse episode to tell. They can never let you have the moment...good or bad.

Do an analysis on yourself. That would be hilarious. And do it in third person, while showing little pictures of your own face.

I believe that revisionism is a key trait of the dark triad. Narcissists, psychopaths and sociopaths have a tendency to paint things differently from others and that means if pressed with a need to explain something that puts them at a disadvantage or blows their cover, they are likely to create a whole new spiel or spin on the story. Facts are not relevant for them. They can twist everything.

I will add that no eye contact/looking away *can* be a sign of being on the autism spectrum, and/or ADHD. So alone, it's definitely not a sign of the Dark Triad... only with the other things involved should it be seen as a red flag IMO

Wow, you just explained teenage me. Now imagine your mind cracks when you're 22 and you feel all the guilt, shame, empathy, all at once.

When I got a computer science job that I really wanted and I felt great that my education helped me walk through that door... My mother decided on two paths: one path was - yeah but that's not a real job.. you just sit on your ass all day. The second, when my coworker came over... and she said this same sentence without thinking... he spoke up and said "She was the best qualified for the job, she has all the skills and education we need, and its a very mind-work type of job which is just as hard if not harder than a physical labor job" Then my mother flipped and said, "She got those smarts from me" LOL!!! No congratulations or anything. And what's even more hilarious... she hates computers!!! She has always hated computers and kept computers out of the house until I absolutely needed one for college. Yet somehow, I got all my computer science smarts from her? LMAO!!!!!!!! I used to be disgusted and upset, now I look back and laugh at how obvious her mental illness was this all whole time. I just didn't know it fully until she made too many mistakes and I caught her. But of course, she denies everything...

That were almost 27 minutes listening to you and I enjoyed every second of it. I can listen for hours to you Dr. Grande. Thank you :)

I love how you walk the middle ground of being specific, and clear at the same time. Impressive and insightful stuff.

Wow! This describes my brother. He is constantly reminding everyone he has a Masters in Psychology & he doesn't waste his time talking to stupid people. A couple of years ago for Christmas he gave everyone a small poster size picture of himself wearing his cap & gown holding his degree

With ADD/ADHD, people often interrupt inappropriately, blurt, or talk about how they can relate to what someone's talking about...Or we say it cuz are brain goes at warp speed and we're worried we'll forget the thought we're thinking...So those habits don't always translate into the "dark triad" or disinterest...Interesting topic though, as usual ❤

The more I watch these videos, the more I come to the conclusion that pretty much everybody has some form of a personality disorder at least some of the time. I've also noticed that people who are highly successful definitely have some sort of personality/mental disorder that they use to their advantage.

This video is fascinating. I suspect my mother is a dark triad. I learned about narcissism from her. She accuses everyone of narcissism. In her mind basically all of our extended family and many neighbors are narcissists. I never saw evidence that any of those people were narcissists. She also constantly accused others of lying or trying to swindle her somehow. The upside though, is I didn’t have to go no contact with her. She did it to me first, claiming I’m a malignant borderline. My suspected dark triad ex on the other hand , fit the other profile. He was oblivious to narcissistic behavior and was oddly comfortable amongst the chaos. When his family members engaged in lying, stealing and manipulative behavior he never had a problem with it. If I complained he acted like I was the crazy one for being upset by it. It’s so interesting to me that these are common enough manifestations for you to talk about. Thanks for sharing as always.

“That’s really moving way beyond what is supported logically” lol

I was very pleased to hear that at 22:15. The phrase "It's complicated" gets on my nerves. I find that people say it when they don't have a good excuse for what they're doing. It's a bit like saying "Stop asking me questions".

I have a tendency to look into space during a conversation, but I have ADD and my attention wanders. As a child, my teacher would go into soft focus while I fantasised about riding horses during a math lesson :)

but some people really do get promotions by being a sycophant. It's almost like being called out as being bitter but in reality, this does happen more than it should. I think a lot of supervisors really do appreciate having "smoke blown up their rears".

In my experience they often use deep eye contact as part of their manipulation. It's a type of hypnosis and they know people mistake eye contact for honesty. So it depends on their interest level.

Hahahhah omg KZfaq closed captions say “my name is Doctor Gandhi” 🤣

My former intimate relationship actually said that his lottery fantasy was to buy a large plot of land, build homes for other people to live in (a commune), and where he could tell everyone what their jobs were, etc. I said to him, only half mockingly, "So...you're lottery fantasy is to literally become a communist dictator??" He also had a lot of the other traits spoken of in the video.

When you wonder if you have narcissistic traits, do you really have it? Would a person have that much insight? Can a person be narcissistic towards only one person and be nice to everyone else?

I'm watching this video more out of curiosity and thankfully can't identify with most of what you're saying, but thanks for making these videos/making this information free and accessible, Doctor. Watching your content and educating myself has helped me significantly with some of my own troubles regarding mental health and your efforts to inform the public as well as help people is noble, very thankful for your work and I hope you continue to do this!

After watching current events,which are very troubling,I hit your channel to calm myself down.Your content and delivery are very relaxing.

Work place promotions can be a very disturbing experience when narcissism is valued highly for promotions. A new supervisor candidate will overtly cast aspersions over an entire crew just to look good before the deeply evil boss they wish to present sacrificial lambs to. This is the crazy making that big business thrive on?

I realized 2 of my good friends of 20 years growing up are like this. Once I pulled ahead of them in life I got shat on. Once the confidence of success set in and I was unable to be suggested to or otherwise controlled. I was dropped (about a year between the two, one was psychopathic, the other narcissistic/makeavelian). Like 20 years meant nothing. Fuckem. My life's only gotten better without them..

This was a really interesting video...I’m hooked on your channel now. Been watching since we began self-isolation due to COVID-19. Keep up the great content! 👍🏻

I love this kind of video where you explain how psychology research really works. People desperately need to know how science is done and why valid results are questioned, revised, and even thrown out after more research is done.

Interesting. I do find myself doing some of these things as a way of setting boundaries when dealing with very draining and self centered individuals to preserve my own energy. Some people in my family have a tendency to get into easily preventable problems and it's very hard to empathise when it happens every few weeks. It's not like I don't care, but they need to take responsibility and not just talk about it. I can help, but I won't hear the same complaints repeated endlessly if all they just want to hear their own voice and get mad if anyone slightly disagrees or tries to look at the case from a different perspective. I guess the key difference is that this is coping mechanisms that I've developed, and not really my natural pattern. I want to empathize and help, but I'm afraid of getting sucked into difficult situations.

Well, I learned a new word today: antepenultimate. Does this mean I'm not a raging psychopath?

Thanks Dr Grande. Your slow, deliberate, calmness in delivery is appreciated. At the same time, I feel a bit of affect would be useful.

I'm glad Dr. Grande puts that caveat at the beginning and end of the video about these being only subtle signs and not necessarily a way to fully diagnose someone with a dark personality disorder. I was freaking out a bit at the beginning because I tend to be very indifferent about things. I also usually have a hard time paying attention and try to keep a smile on my face when speaking to someone. The alternative is worse: when I'm not forcing a smile, my face looks like I'm angry or distressed.

Thank you for taking the time to make such an interesting, informative and engaging video explaining the subtler signs displayed by those personality-types who compose the Dark Triad!

it's funny, you seem to be mentioning the "inappropriateness" of dark triad behaviour, all around (off-puttings remarks, reactions, etc . . . ) one thing i noticed a long time ago is that these types tend to give bad advice & dress it up as good--or when a criticism is warranted they withhold the criticism. for instance, there is a woman @ work many of us secretly think is a narc & it's funny how she'll swoon over the new people & donn this 'mother goose' exterior. yet every person she's ever bothered i notice ends up getting fired or gives subpar performance. i've listened to the advice she gives people & it's vanillan or even fatalistic, i feel sorry for anybody who has to sit by her. conversely, there have been many times i've asked an abuser (if i was in that kind of relationship) for healthy criticism. despite their critical nature, their response suddenly becomes 'i don't know' or 'you'll have to figure it out for yourself.' i realized a long time ago these dark triad people basically care nothing about my well being; what will be bad for me, they'll dress up as good--what's good, they'll go out of their way to portray as evil . . .

Another fascinating video, thank you. Above all I respect how you remind us that these traits are not a way of diagnosing someone. I've seen many of these examples in life (and even have been guilty of one or two on occasion) but that doesn't mean I should stick a label on anyone or even myself. Thank you for that.

I've never heared of this dark triad before... So interesting! my mother and siblings and extended family are riddled with these traits. I live near most of them, and work with five of them. I'm starting to think that I don't know many 'normal' people ?? Or is this the norm now? Definitely the norm in my life. I hate it, and I hate that the younger family members think that these behaviors are normal, and OK. I love binge watching these videos!!

From my life long experiences with dark triads you better RUN but with a safety plan in place before you leave because they are truly dangerous and deadly. They turn into a Jim Jones in a fast hurry so RUN with a safety plan in place.

This channel is fascinating. I really appreciate your willingness to educate people, Dr. Grande.

so fascinating. i have a few case studies of this in my life, and I'm learning so much about the subtle cues I've noticed all along.

You have been an amazing leader and reference source for me for the last 3 yrs . I have took the information you provide to keep myself safe as I can and to educate myself to help others . At the moment I have a triad in a leadership position at a new job . I am so grateful for your guidance in my life I just wanted you to know I appreciate you .

Love your vocab lesson! Your humor is always dry, yet this time it's the ultimate!!!

Todd I have to say thank you to you. So much. Your videos have helped me heal quite a bit. A couple months before my diagnosis with Multiple Sclerosis, my aunt passed away, and my mother legally adopted her daughter, over the years I started noticing very horrible behavior from her. Particularly directed at me, "because I get pity attention" (her words) and she has managed to make my mother scared of acting caring towards me in her presence. She dictated the whole atmosphere of the house eventually. My abusive ex once even said "X is a sociopath, and I know this because I am one" (he isn't diagnosed, but certainly not your regular plane joe) about her. Things have been quite difficult, harmful and painful many times, but your videos give me a sense of validation and that is so healing. Thank you.

Really enjoyed your take on this topic. I even learned some new words. Keep up the great work. ☺

I listened to this information twice, I found it interesting. I was in mental health as a nurse keeping clients safe and giving them their medications. Thank you for all you teach and explain.

I enjoyed this video... this stuff is so complicated to figure out. Glad you mentioned that just noticing a few of these behaviors, does not mean a person is disordered.

I am so glad you pointed out the connection between people who feel they can always sense someone’s narcissism (and point out negative traits in others) and narcissism itself. I find it revolting, the degree of this that I see in the comments. Particularly when it is done in superior-acting way. Of course I should have realized that that’s because it reflects narcissism.

I really like the way you explain things. I always come away from your videos feeling as if i have gained insight on many mental health topics.

I found your channel today Dr. And I am grateful for your work. God bless ya! And hope, your content goes wild sooner. Deserves much more views as it is such a great educational content.

This is a great video. Most examples can be applied to a woman that I know and dislike. I already knew she is a narcissist but your explanations helped to explain more about her traits. Its frustrating when we have to have contact with people like that but it does help to understand how they work. Mostly I just try to avoid toxic people.

Love your subtle wit! Makes learning much more fun. Thank you!

As a language arts teacher, I appreciated the vocab review at the end of this video, Dr Grande.

I really enjoy the way you talk and explain things - you are such a gift!

I think that what sum up with healthy people is their awareness and accountability to sometimes loose track over a conversation, if there is something that comes up in a conversation, where I can not not pay attention and take my time to listen. Narcissistis and psychopathic is not interested what others feel or need, when they should apologize or be conscious and aware of themselves and others. So pay attention to how people are ”there” for others, when attention change. Great work Dr Todd Grande! ✨👍

Thanks for the video...great information as always. One subtle sign I feel is critical to recognize is shallow/flat affect. This is sometimes hard to recognize but should set off alarm bells that this is a potentially very dangerous person.

Thank you for giving us this information! I freely admit I didn't know what penultimate actually means! I learned something. Also thanks for pointing out that someone might say these things, but not have the dark triad. I was beginning to worry!

Dr. Grande, can you give some examples from movies, books, plays, etc., that are -- though fictional characters -- display such behaviors? Thank you for your work.

Thank you. These videos are very well done and helpful. I understand PDs so much better now.

This is so informative and helpful! Thank you for making this video!

Brilliant!!! Wow! Again I’ve been studying or trying to .....and nothing in our field! You are a god send.

Wow, after watching I can say this is way more complicated to detect that I thought. Thanks for the video.

I love auntie penultimate; she's just the best.

I enjoy your videos so much and this one was especially fun for a 'dark triad' theme. Thank you for providing this education! :)

I enjoy learning new words, not to neccesarily use them but rather just to know them. Penultimate added! Thank you

You had me at antepentultimate, a word I have never experienced. As a grammar wench, I have swooned into your virtual arms. 😂

I found this to be a very interesting topic. I know you make it quite clear that these subtle signs do not equal a diagnosis, but I was a bit concerned that people may misinterpret the significance of one specific sign rather than looking at the subtle tells in aggregate. The one that concerned me the most was the description of communication style because there is a similar presentation in autism spectrum disorder - looking away, distraction, changing the topic to whatever the autistic person's current interest is, inappropriate responses or apparent lack of a response, etc. These are common in high-functioning autism in particular and they do make people uncomfortable. But it would be helpful to do a comparison video so people know whether they are dealing with a high-functioning autism person or someone with the dark triad traits.

This is perhaps the best video on the subject on KZfaq.

Thanks again dr. Todd! I am writing a book on personality disorders and Wetiko. Great stuff!!!

That whole smiling and looking away was very amusing... Usually when people do that they are giving a sign that they are laughing AT you

Wow this made me feel pretty Machiavellian. Probably not true, as you said, I’m pretty empathic. But it grounded my suspicion that a friend of mine is a narcissist. Every time you mentioned something a narcissist would do, I remembered him operating that way multiple times.... always thought he was pathologically antisocial

wonderful video with very interesting content. I enjoyed how you delineated the 3 traits...and I learned a new word!

Hey new vocab to arm your antepenultimate, penultimate and ultimate dark triad tendencies. Good stuff

Thank you for this one. Very helpful in moving on from someone who fits this too a tee ..

Dr Grande I’m about to go through career change from being an actuary to training as a clinical psychologist. I’ve found your channel and videos great. Really enjoying thanks for the great work.

Another one is a person who learns something new, - then uses it along with, “Oh my god you didn’t know about this? You must live on another planet, everyone knows about it.” Lol, I can sort of catch it but not always. One that I can never catch and I need to pay more attention is to people who use pity to take advantage of others. I fall for it almost every time and get taken advantage of.I could be because I have an unhealthy desire to feel needed.

Thank you Dr. Grande! I can hostler say I have gained a lot of insight on these mental health disorders!

Excellent video. It's kind of unsettling though the kind of mental games of deflection that some people will play to protect their precious egos when they have dark triad traits but especially personality disorders like NPD.

This is fascinating. Thanks for your work

Thank you for another great educational video! Often it is quite challenging for me to interact with people, especially when they're talking non-stop about themselves or interrupting me. I feel bored, irritated and somewhat humiliated, being forced to engage in a conversation like this. How self-absorbed can you be! But I've learned to hide it because, well, one needs people around. Nevertheless, maintaining relationships emotinally drains me but I have to do it for some time, otherwise other people'd think I'm an unlikeable freak. Sooner or later, no matter how close we become, it always ends the same: I get extremely annoyed and tired of pretending that I do care and so I usually start ignoring them without ever addressing the issue for it is extremely humiliating as well to show that something about their behaviour might have bothered me in the first place, thus, giving them power over my emotions? And actually I'm quite scared of the aggression I may provoke by telling them what I really think, by showing my disgust and anger because I think they feel the same way about me and may confront me with something I wouldn't able to cope with. The same goes for rejection: I would get infuriated but at the same time unbearably embarrassed because now I look and feel pathetic for letting them do it to me. So I wouldn't seek revenge but rather pretend I never ever cared and tell everybody that I was the one using them, not the other way around. Are those some covert narcissistic tendencies?

Thank you..I appreciate ALL your Videos so helpful!!!! Please keep creating!!!

All your videos are very helpful ! Thank you ! 🙏🏼

My mother is literally like this. Perfectly explained

*penultimate* is one of my favorite words...i get so much joy from sharing that word with others...thank you for using it, as well as explaining what it means...terry pratchett had a whole in-story story about "the penultimate..." something or other...and i, therefore, always read/write it with a british accent. (strangely, it sounds nearly the same with or without a british accent, but i apply it nonetheless...) that was a short tangential digression...(i think i have self-diagnosed myself as a literary narcissist.)

You are the first person who has made the difference these traits clear. So many videos try to explain the dark triad, but are too general in their descriptions, and/or don’t use good examples and/or I’m just slow. 🤷‍♀️ P.S. Your discussion brought to mind a “suitor” I had who once told me, “You’re super. You’re beyond super...you’re superfluous!” He, then insisted that he knew what superfluous meant, even after I told him. If he did know what it means, that was definitely not a compliment! I’m pretty sure he didn’t, though...Not saying he has the dark triad. I saw him in that one statement, though, whether or not it’s anything of significance. It was good for a laugh, tho!

This describes me to a T, it's so scary how every detail is literally how my mind plays those scenarios out.

Can you talk more about things like substance use disorders and eating disorders?

:-) Thanks Dr. Grande. By the time I am no longer with dating fatigue while for example going to dances for the older crowd I may feel more confident while getting to know someone better.

I love your channel! Thank you so much for sharing!!

I absolutely love your intellectual, dry since of humor.