“All it takes is a stern look” resonated with me. When I was very young I asked to be called be a girl’s name and my mom said I shouldn’t do that, and she seemed uncomfortable, maybe scared. Like something bad would happen if I did that. So I put it away for a long time

I'm part of group 2. It was so sudden and jarring that my feelings happened that I constantly question if I'm making a mistake. Thankfully that voice gets quieter and quieter as I take steps but I've had to follow the feelings of what I do like instead of looking for dysphoria. And for me, those feelings have continually supported my transition. Almost verifying I am not making a mistake.

at this age I am now (75), Dr. Z is talking to me 100 percent. Finally, ANSWERS !

I’m one of those individuals who didn’t really experience gender dysphoria until a bit later (early 20s) The kicker for me was when people would ‘mistake’ me for being male and realizing how euphoric that made me feel, and after experiencing that euphoria I realized that I wasn’t as content in my assigned gender as I thought I was. Although one thing that confused me that I haven’t really heard other trans ppl talk about is that while I didn’t really care how other people perceive my gender, I hated referring to myself as a girl. I felt like I was lying to the world and to myself and it just made me feel kind of sick, but if a waitress called me ma’am I couldn’t care less. I’ve started pursuing microdosing testosterone as, while I have a hard time pinpointing what I want exactly, it’s been on my mind for over two years so I feel like I might as well just go for it at this point. I find I doubt myself quite a bit as I often don’t feel like I’m miserable enough to be trans. I’m fine in my body as is, even if that wavers from day to day, but I just feel like I could be a lot better. I find that it’s not so much a question of if I want to medically transition, but if I deserve it. I’m not entirely sure what my point is here but I just felt compelled to vent out my feelings to see if anyone could relate I guess. I’d be interested to know if anyone has a similar experience to mine.

I cried by the 12 minute mark. You hit the nail on the head. I understand that I need to transition. I'm scared of losing my family, friends, and living situation. I live with a transphobic mother

I didn't know until I turned 24. I just knew something about my life was off. Like I was still waiting for the kickoff. Like their was a layer of wrongness over everything or like I was far too different from everyone around me to truly connect. It took me over one year to build my confidence after seeking a counselor and I felt so certain, like I uncovered the fundamental truth of who I've always been. But recently the person I'm closest to reacted negatively to me coming out through a letter I've been writing on for months. They told me 'I've known you longer than anyone else and this isn't you'. Since then I've just been feeling so empty. Like my connection to my gender is just gone and I find myself thinking that maybe living through work and through family will be enough to make it through a lifetime. Still, even as I type this it feels like a lie.

I'm in group 2. I felt weird all of my life without understanding why. I found all kind of stupid or strange reasons until I finally admitted that I had a gender issue - at 45. But, having found bad answers to my questioning before, I constantly fear that I may be wrong again. Your words are so soothing.

Someone said it best about gender dysphoria and being transgender - "society has a problem not me."

This year I'll be 38, and I didn't even know about my gender dysphoria until about 32ish. So I think that (and everything else you said) puts me firmly in the 2nd group. I often have the question "am I really trans?". You pointed out that those who are secure in their gender, over 30, don't really have a questioning of gender, and in some ways, the fact that I have dysphoria about my gender is confirming that I am trans (among many other things). Thank you for this video, I think I really needed it today. 💖 -Ava

Group 2. I feel like you made this video specifically for me lol. I’m 23 and started HRT 9 months ago, and I still sometimes wonder if I’m actually trans. I went through much of my life feeling miserable, particularly during puberty, but I had no idea that I was trans until it blindsided me in October last year. I suppose in retrospect, I remember a period of time in high school when I was in agony for weeks/months, desperately wishing that I had female anatomy, to the point of rolling around on my bed crying, and googling things about both bottom and top surgery. You’d think it would be obvious to me that I was trans, but I completely repressed all of that until 9-10 months ago. When I had the realization it completely shocked me and sent me into a month long identity crisis. I was barely hanging on (not svicidal, but just emotionally distraught and drained, and feeling extremely lost) but I immediately set up appointments to get HRT “just in case” since I knew that I might want them when my identity crisis began to resolve. I had my first doctor appointment in November and immediately started HRT, but at that point I still wasn’t sure if I was trans. I kept reminding myself that short term HRT wouldn’t hurt me at all if it turns out that I wasn’t trans, so I kept taking it. My mental health improved quickly on HRT, and I started feeling better than I ever had, and I still wondered if I was really trans. Then 2 months in, my breasts started developing to my excitement, but I still wondered if I was really trans. Then about 4 months in, my face was becoming significantly more fem, the laser hair removal was doing wonders, and I was loving who I saw in the mirror, but I still wondered if I was trans. Then 5 months in, I actually had breasts and I was feeling so good and happy on a consistent basis for the first time in my life that I quit multiple years-long and daily-use substance addictions (that I was unknowingly using to numb myself from the discomfort of existing with a gender I wasn’t happy with) with no desire to return to them after quitting, and I still wondered if I was really trans. I could go on, but I think you get the point. Even now, though much less often compared to several months ago, I still wonder if I’m really trans. It sounds absurd, given how much I’ve loved every moment of my transition so far, but it still fucks with me from time to time. I guess that was a lot. Hopefully all that made sense and wasn’t too wordy, but that’s been my experience, and it’s really reassuring and relieving to watch this video, and finally have a better understanding of why I feel the way I do. Dr. Z, idk if you’ll read this, but in the video you mentioned two different age groups that group 2 falls into. 22-30 and 30+. I don’t think you talked very much about the 22-30 group specifically and what the differences are that you’ve noticed between that group and the 30+ group. Would love another video (or even a short explanation here in the comments) about what you’ve observed between those two age groups, if it’s not any trouble. Thanks so much for the work you do making these really helpful videos!:)

Camp 2 here. Bout sums it up. I really appreciated the boiling pot analogy because my egg literally shattered in an instant at 42... out of nowhere! I didn't think that's a thing that happened and has/is a major point of contention and dissonance. It doesn't help that I'm extraordinarily isolated, with severe anxiety who can't afford therapy and is trying to play one for herself with the help of the interwebs and creators like yourself. Trust me, am woefully unqualified for the job. I can't imagine how difficult and isolating this must has been for older trans generations. Holy hell!

I am not trans, but so happy to see that there is this resource for people that are struggling with dysphoria, this is helpful for me to be a more effective ally I feel, thanks so much!

Camp 2 and what an absolute mirror to be looking in to. My gender dysphoria hit me when I was 10. I asked myself "what if I transformed into a girl" and I'd spend many nights wishing I was a girl and got to do the things girls got to do. But that was always the thing, these thoughts were mainly at night or when things were quiet. Life would preoccupy me, for the most part, and I wouldn't think about it. But even then, something would cross my path that I'd want and I'd go right back to wishing I was a girl. But even I did the whole gender test thing. I joined Karate when I was younger and it became my "I am a man because I somewhat enjoy karate". However, that also didn't stop me from wishing I was in ballet and dancing like the girls, either. It's just so weird being an adult now. When I was a teen/young adult and I had my hidden stash, wearing that stuff was nothing more than a rush of excitement. Now that I'm out and everyone knows, that excitement is gone and what has replaced it is a feeling of comfort and peace. It's also weird how a lot of my behaviors instantly changed. Unless I'm cold, I don't cross my arms across my chest anymore, I don't walk with my head toward the ground, my posture is better, and I'm not constantly wearing hoodies and baggier, darker clothes. I'm actually picking colors now instead of having everything gray or black, and I'm doing it without realizing it, even if it is my masculine clothes. I've had these feelings of doubts before. They do creep in. I'm able to push them away with the whole, "cis people don't spend their lives wishing they were the opposite sex". But it still manages to get by sometimes, especially when you start running into the transphobic spaces on the internet, which I do often as a political activist. They have a way of getting in your head, but I have to remind myself that they don't experience what I experience. They never stayed up until 3 AM on a school night begging to God or whoever is listening be the opposite sex or give you some magical means to do so, and then repeating that the next night. So that ends up grounding me, too. That self-doubt is a hard thing to deal with, but I can't deny the feelings I get when I able to be myself. I can't deny the feelings I get when someone calls me by my name or acknowledges me as a woman. I really wish that I had known I was transgender at a younger age, but so much of this was shoved under the rug when I was little. Maybe my life would have been much different had I been told it would be OK for me to be a girl, even when I was younger than 10.

Camp 1 - 6 months into the transition realization/decision and everything is easier to deal with. Challenges aren't lessened, but my approach, general feeling of well being and ability to let things go that I can't control certainly confirms that I should have realized what was going on a long, long time ago.

I’m in category 1 but I had a fear you didn’t mention which is that I wasn’t “as trans as other people” and therefore it wouldn’t be worth it for me to transition. Or maybe another way of phrasing it is I was afraid that being trans wasn’t the main source of my pain, and transitioning would just make things worse. This was largely due to lack of education and awareness about gender dysphoria and trans people. I knew there was something different about me and I was experiencing tremendous anguish. I knew that there was something incongruent about my gender. However, I didn’t understand that gender incongruency could (and often does) cause anguish manifesting as shame and depression which leads to addiction, self-harm, and inexplicable relationship problems. So I knew that yes, I wanted to be a girl, and yes, I was in a lot of pain, but no, that’s not the cause of my pain. This is related to what you were talking about with how I/we try everything else to alleviate the pain first before trying transitioning. It’s embarrassing looking back on it how little I knew about gender dysphoria and trans people. When I was younger like 17-19 I used to read all about mental illnesses online, looking for something that fit, since I knew it was more than just depression and anxiety - BPD, NPD, schizophrenia, OCD - and I always found bits of things that fit but it was never quite right. For some reason I never looked into gender dysphoria and only slowly became aware of it by seeing occasional mentions on social media. I think I was just too disgusted and ashamed by the idea I could be trans, due to internalized transphobia from social conditioning, that whenever the thought popped up I immediately dismissed it, came up with my rationalizations for why I wasn’t trans, and moved on. Rationalizations like: this isn’t the cause of my pain. I’m not as trans as other people. there must be something different about them. I don’t think about my gender that much, I think about suicide and drugs, it must be a mental illness. (I know it’s controversial whether to talk about gender dysphoria as a mental illness… but I at least didn’t think of it as one at the time. Maybe I would have looked into it more if I had.) So… even those of us who are younger (I’m 27 now) still suffer from lack of education and awareness. If only I had been screened for gender dysphoria like I was screened for countless other things when I went to psychiatrists and therapists. If only I had watched a 10 minute video about gender dysphoria in my health class in middle school. If only I had known someone who was openly trans. If only there had been an awareness campaign at my college. If only if only…

I'm in group 2. Even as a kid had issues thinking i was gay. Now, after been with a beautiful woman, who wants me to be myself the strong feeling living as a women returned, crazy. I think it was the moment I let her poke me from the back. And now, it's like something I put away is back and strong and I want it , I like it. I'm 45 turning 46 this year. This is something I'm not taking lightly. Awesome, video 🥰

Fell into camp one. Its like you were describing my life but missing a few minor details. Finally decided in 2020 that enough was enough and I'm just going to start being myself. And yeah I don't worry so much about if I'm trans or not, but am I transitioning correctly, how society responds, and a heap of internalized transphobia. No real tips, but will say that my mental health improved dramatically just coming to terms with myself and accepting that aspect of my identity.

Definitely the second camp. I didn't know I was trans for the longest time. I knew I had depression since early adolescence, and my depression was resistant to all forms of treatment. The worst part was that I came to define myself by my treatment-resistant depression, thinking I was doomed to live the rest of my life that way. I was certainly aware that something was off, and I had many of the signs of gender dysphoria, but I always attributed those to my existing diagnoses, like social anxiety, body dysmorphia, OCD, or the depression in general. I assumed I needed to be "diagnosed" as trans, and since I'd been in therapy most of my life and nobody told me, then it must not be the case. It got so bad that while I was in the questioning phase, I convinced myself I was the only person on Earth who could "fake it for attention." It was either accept my trans identity, or let the depression win. Well, I'm out now, and my depression has gone into remission. I have to wonder just how many other people like me there are out there, with treatment-resistant depression that may turn out to have been gender dysphoria all along.

I am definitely in group 2. I remember having thoughts, fantasies and ideas about changing my gender since childhood, but I repressed them for the longest time so that I didn't do anything about it until this year. I'm now fervently looking forward to my first endocrinologist appointment later this month. Still, I am plagued by fears from time to time and I've had the occasional doubt. Thank you so much for this and your other videos.

Once again Dr Z is on point. At 60 + years I spent all my life not wanting to accept that I’m Trans . That wasn’t even in my vocabulary until recently. I’ve realized that by sacrificing my fears and doubts, it empowers my womanhood. I enhance my femininity by allowing and excepting my female self to fully surface. I am becoming my true self. A Trans Woman. Thank you so much Dr. Z for all the help you’ve given us all.❤

The boiling pot analogy is spot on, the thing that blew the pot lid off for me I believe was playing vrchat with a vr headset and experimenting with female avatars and people referring to me as she/her. The euphoria I felt that day was immense but so was the dysphoria boiling to the surface after taking off the headset and seeing my male self in the mirror.

Dr. Z, you always hit the nail on the head! I love your realness!

Group two . Thankyou again for your affirming and understandable explanation of this . I am now at a point of being totally comfortable in my skin now days. I am so grateful for your time and presence here and have forwarded your channel to quite a few early and more established trans folk . All are grateful . Hugs ( if wanted or needed ) and much unconditional love from us all . 💜❤️💜🐾💃🌈🐕☮️

Mostly Camp 1. I'm nonbinary and I knew that something wasn't "normal" from the get go. But I had no idea what it was, no concept of anything outside the binary. So I repressed it for decades, with a dash of overcompensation from time to time. My doubt is not if I'm trans, because I certainly am. But more along the line: am I binary or not?

Dr. Z is right on again. I am in group 2. I am almost 69 years old and want to transition, I may have already started. My next steps are to do more hair removal and go on HRT. Each step you take seems harder than the one before. Yet, once taken seems the right path. Listen to Dr. Z! She is right on and provides such good and accurate information. Thank you Dr. Z.

So true!!! At 64 it hit me I might be trans. Things just fit into place and I realized why I didn't fit in. It explained my oddities. So I decided to transition medically first before socially (although I came out to the world while still untransitioned). For me that was a super smart decision because once I was on HRT my suicidal thoughts dissipated and I began to experience happiness for the first time in a very long time. I am only 9 months into it and I am somewhat disappointed in the physical results but I am still very happy. To me, this happiness was confimation that I am trans. I still have doubts but I am at a stage of acceptance. I don't care what the physical result is I will continue to medically transition and I have already played with some social transitioning. I still have to figure out where this transition is going. It is a work in progress and I don't know if I will ultimately be MtF or just androgenous. Time will tell.

At least for me, the "what if I'm not trans and I make a (horrible) mistake" question is in partly reenforced by society's scare mongering. "If you don't fit into a box I like, I will reject and cast you out. So don't make a mistake you can't turn back from. That I can't turn back from looking at." If we didn't get that message, and instead got a message around transitioning that was something like, "it's okay to make mistakes and it's all part of learning and growing and we will love you anyway," or heaven forbid, genuine curiosity about what life was like in the other gender for a bit, I think most of us wouldn't even be having this conversation. This was a lovely video, comforting and though proving, thank you for it.

I'm in my 30s and yup, my concerns are mostly about how other people will treat me. When I sit with myself, and considering only myself, I know the answer. Thanks for the wonderful video!

I’m 25, and I’m in camp 1. I can remember the feelings back to when I was at least 7, which persisted through high school, but I had no words or terms for anything. I hardly had a sense that being trans was even a thing. For a while I thought I was a “cross dresser” because that’s honestly the only term I had to describe anything that I felt. But when I started college and finally learned about different pronouns and learned what being non-binary and trans even meant, I fell into that immediately. I never questioned it once, because I just thought “finally, a way to describe who I am for the first time ever.” It was a relief to have that knowledge, but I did fear making my parents upset and letting them down, so I kept it away in family circles for years and felt horrible about it for a long time. I’m agender and transmasc, so I really just clung on to the non-binary identity and resisted my masculinity because I thought that I wasn’t really “trans,” I was just non-binary. It took years for me to feel comfortable with the term trans, but the truth is that it always applied to me (and does for all non-binary identities, depending on what labels the person is comfortable with). Just this last year I finally started transitioning, and it’s like something I kind of knew I needed but always viewed as unattainable, just a dream. I think the only turning point for me was that I was tired of pretending and ignoring the issues, and I also went from full time to part time which gave me more time to really think about what I wanted out of life. I did in fact upset and disappoint my parents, but I had years of fear and pain behind me about that and it’s too far behind me to pick back up. I’m hoping one day they’ll understand, and I think they’re trying. I’m optimistic for my future and I’m so happy I finally had the bravery to become more true to myself-I’ve been on T for 8 months and I just had top surgery a week ago, and I really never had any real doubts. I feel like I’m slowly starting to own my body and fitting into my own skin for the first time. Thank you for explaining these two categories so well. It really makes sense when you describe how the other camp feels and why, and this video can help a lot of people. I feel like a lot of cis people don’t want to believe trans people for some reason, but the truth is that we also go through a huge process of trying to believe ourselves before we even take any big steps, and cis people just don’t understand what gender dysphoria and/or euphoria is like. Once trans people really understand themselves, they are every bit as sure about who they are as cis people.

I think the reason it took me so long to realize this was because I was simply uneducated on the subject. I never felt comfortable in my body and always had to change in the bathroom during gym class because I was somehow embarrassed. I was also always jealous of the clothes the girls in my class wore, and I would dress up as a girl after class and walk the school hallways almost every day. and yet I didn't notice anything at that point. Things got particularly bad in high school because everyone else was going through puberty and I was just overwhelmed with everything and the others noticed that and bullied me. I developed an anxiety disorder, stopped caring about my body and have almost accepted that this is how my life will remain forever. Now I'm 26 and more and more things are becoming clear to me since I've been dealing with the topic. and I think realizing I was trans saved my life. Since I've been taking small steps towards a transition, I've been living healthier again, but I still have no self-confidence at all and am extremely afraid to talk about it openly. I feel lost and alone.

Honestly, this is so accurate because I always knew something was off when I was going through puberty because my family always told me that being transgender is not normal and would rant about how the community is basically being brainwashed. so when i was going though puberty I thought that I was missing something. Now at the age of 19 I finally understand what it was. I would always notice that anytime when I was wearing more feminine clothing I did not like who i saw compared to when I was in men's clothing. Then around this time I started getting dysphoria.

I am in group 2, and am early into my transition. I just want to say thank you for the videos you make. They are really helping me in a strange time in my life.

So enlightening and eye opening Dr. Z! It clarified things for me. Thanks so much for putting this content out there!

That's me! I'm 56 and have been using every argument and deception to tell myself I can't be trans for 40 years despite knowing that I want to be female all that time!

I'm 47 and have repressed my true gender (mtf) since I was 12 years old. Drink, drugs and over compensation, all of this in an attempt to quell the feelings I had, but no matter what I did they always ALWAYS came back and always stronger! Until 12 months ago, when I finally accepted it. I now have a different set of challenges and your videos have and are helping immensely. You do so much for the Trans community Dr.Z and for that I for one am very grateful.🙏 💖 X

I dont feel like I fit into either group to be honest. I started questioning about 4 years ago around when I turned 19, but I've never had a sudden burst of repressed dysphoria that you describe, and it doesn't explain any weirdness from earlier in my life either. I just slowly started wondering if I actually might like to be a woman. I liked the thought, and over time it began to occupy more and more of my mind until now I think about it every day, but I am not uncomfortable being a guy. I'm honestly more uncomfortable shifting my identity to be feminine, I have a mess of shame around it, but I still am always wanting to convince myself enough that I'm trans to push through that, or fantasizing about waking up as a woman. I like to describe it with the word yearning - it feels more like a positive desire to be a woman (or perhaps non-binary) than a negative disdain for being a man, which makes me not feel sure about saying I have dysphoria exactly.

Group 1 around age 5-6 I clearly recall was when it really started affecting me, today I am 34 and have started my transition journey openly 7 months ago, also it was the 3rd time in my life I went through actually really wanted and felt ready to transition, but this time I followed my feelings and put my self first, I didn’t fight it for once and embraced it and it’s been the happiest and best decision I’ve ever made.

Camp 2 here at age 45. The pandemic suddenly provided a lot of quiet in my busy life and suddenly things started to come to the surface like the desire to wear women's clothes but it all felt strange to be coming up so late in life. Thank you for this video, Z! I started HRT 2 weeks ago (for the 2nd time) and was crying last night that this is all mistake and I just need a clear path. Your words gave me some key direction to work from. So thanks again.

Holy moly, group 2 describes me so much. Thank you so much for the video ☺️

At age 63, I find myself in Group 2. I worked through my Depression and also Gender Disphoria with both a Psychiatrist and a Therapist. I'm feeling much happier in my life about who I am. I am receiving HRT and it is doing well. I hope to receive further treatment in future. My fears now are from the Society I live in. In Florida, our Governor has been pushing a very harsh Transphobic agenda. I sometimes now worry for my own safety. Thank you for all your videos. Keep up the good work.

When I was 4 I first said that I was a boy. I lived that way for a year but then I went back to being a girl because I didn’t have the support I needed to withstand the bullying and understand who I was. I assimilated and lived as a girl/woman until I was 31 when I had a major burnout and couldn’t do it anymore. Sometimes I think it’s strange that I was able to (and felt I had to) mask it and perform who I was for so long. I was so good at the performance and loved the positive attention I got from it, but it was exhausting. I struggle with these questions, I appreciate your explanations and your analysis. Thanks for this.

Thank you so much for these videos I've been navigating this transition without gender informed therapy because it's not readily available where I live or accessible to me and your videos are so helpful thank you ❤

I'm a long way through my transition now but hearing everyone's accounts of gender dysphoria and when they noticed it and when it became a problem is absolutely what I've been through. I'm watching these videos now 12 years down the line and having some epiphanies. I've been waiting for all this time to have discovered resources like Dr Z thank you for sharing your knowledge.

I think that I was in Camp 1. I had no idea that gender dysphoria onset at puberty was so common, and that's what happened to me. I tried to push away my feelings by abusing drugs and alcohol; and when I was nineteen, I finally figured out that I was trans, and I couldn't accept it, nor could I accept myself. I mistakenly thought that ENDING my life, would be better than doing the mountain of work I'd need to do to CHANGE it. [NOTE: As I look down from a plateau on that mountain, my life is WAY better, and so am I. I'm REALLY glad that I am becoming the woman I always was!!!] Back then, I was so very afraid of losing the life that I had, that I couldn't accept that it was all fake. I made an attempt at an end, and [THANKFULLY] I failed. I dove headlong into drugs and alcohol abuse, just to try to cope with the feelings that I was STILL having; and didn't end up coming out until I was 48. I wasted DECADES of my life, just BEING wasted. I couldn't deal with my gender dysphoria then, and I'm EXTREMELY glad to be in transition now!!! [I'm also coming up on 6 1/2 years clean, and I also quit smoking cigarettes in June of 2022.] It brings to mind a quote by Napoleon Hill: "It takes half your life before you discover that life is a do it yourself project." Now that I KNOW that I AM a woman, I'm working on becoming the BEST woman I can be!!!

I so want to hug you and say thank you so much! Many of your videos have been so helpful and I have many more to watch. Thank you. "No capes!" Lol! 😊

Dr. Z, you pegged me 100%. I'm in category 1. In my 20s I tried to do a lot of hero jobs and ended up joining the Navy. The entire time, I was completely out of my comfort zone and generally an outcast. After I was discharged, I ended up in a pink collar industry, libraries. Through my 30s, I became happier and happier to the point I knew transition was a must. Whenever I feel overwhelmed, fearful, or full of self doubt, I think about being old and looking back at the life I would lead as one gender or another. As a man, my life feels hollow, a shadow of what it could be, and kind of sad and full of regret on the happiness I didn't have. Thinking of the woman version of me, I see someone fulfilled, happy, connected, and without regret. That realization always sets me straight in my low moments. So here I am, in my late 30s transitioning and happier then ever.

I cant thank-you enough for your advise its the most valuable information i have come across in my search for better understanding of my life

I'm in my early 40's and have just started coming to terms with feelings of dysphoria. Everything you said felt like you were talking directly to me. Stern looks and correcting feminine behavior from my parents as a child. Joining the military as a way of over correcting. Feeling a sudden 'moment of clarity' where the pieces seemed to align. Feeling that really want to transition, but terrified of not being able to pass or burning my life to the ground if I do. Thank you, I have a lot to think about.

Thank you for the vid Dr. Z! There are so many correct and relatable points here. It never goes away the older you get. I sometimes picture it being my last though before dying and I'm sure millions of transgender people repressed their feelings lived and died in that same way. I also joined the military, but here I am still watching every single one of these videos and waiting for something big to happen. Also yes I'm so beyond the question "but what if I'm not trans" I'm 31 y/o btw

I'm a solid group 2. I was confused and sad for so many years, not knowing why. Searching high and low for the answer. When i finally figured it out i went into serious denial and stayed there for way to long, using the denial as a shield, acting as masculine as i knew how thinking that will make it all go away. 30 years later i'm finally out and living my happiest life. Still i have moments of doubt but knowing what makes me happy and that i will never go back to what once was. Still waiting for the treatment, HRT and all, to begin but feeling a newfound inner peace, and that peace is what tells me i'm on the right track whenever doubt comes around for a visit.

group 2 - I’ve been on HRT for 3 years and I love it but it was so scary for me at first. I was constantly questioning myself. I rarely do now, but sometimes things will come up that make me anxious about it. I am also more nonbinary than a binary trans man so sometimes that makes me confused. I sometimes worry that I miss how my voice used to sound before or that one day I will miss my old body. But I hate it when people misgender me because of my voice and I love my body the way it is now lol. We are also conditioned to be fearful especially with the way the media is talking about trans people these days. Thank you for your videos ❤️

I feel like I resonate with elements of both group one and group two, and I feel like this video is speaking directly to me, personally. I relate to group one because I've been struggling to prove to myself that I'm not really trans for basically my whole life, and I've been fighting through that conflict for decades, and, in the end, that struggle has eventually culminated in my inevitable acceptance and a much realer knowing. However, I also relate to group two because suppressing my transhood was a big part OF that conscious effort that I struggled through as part of group one, and the question of "what if I transition only to realize that I'm not really trans after all and I've made a horrible mistake" has been a HUGE motivating factor behind that suppression. And, if I'm perfectly honest, I STILL struggle with that question even now, at age 35, in the beginning steps of manifesting my transition, DESPITE the fact that I KNOW I'm trans and can't really deny it anymore. I keep trying to remind myself that, "on the other side of fear is freedom." That helps me a lot. I'd also like to share a little theory of mine, if you'll be so kind as to indulge me. I think that maybe the biggest factor as to why trans people who are aged 30 and up struggle so hard with this question isn't really related to our age, per se-like it's not BECAUSE we're 30 and up-but rather a consequence of the cultural attitudes of the era in which we were raised that have embedded themselves into our collective generational psyche. I expect that, when gen Z becomes our age, we'll probably still see some trans people in their 30s struggling with this question, but a substantially smaller amount OF them than we millennials today, and they'll probably have more social support than we have today, because that cultural stigma, while still present, wasn't nearly as pervasive in their upbringings as it was in ours. And I think that it's very likely that the amount of gen X-ers who are struggling with this issue, and who are STILL suppressing and denying themselves out of a culturally-induced sense of necessity, and who are suppressing themselves SO hard as to still be completely invisible and never telling ANYONE about it EVER, probably total an even higher amount than millennials, for similar cultural reasons, only amplified even stronger. As millennials, we were ALWAYS raised with the fear of making mistakes being drilled into us constantly, from every direction in society that possessed any degree of authority whatsoever, but especially from our parents and our teachers. Those of us who even were fortunate enough to have trans existence acknowledged AT ALL were exposed to all of the ferocious gatekeeping (still a problem, but admittedly not half as bad as it was twenty years ago in many parts of the western world), which was presented as a GOOD thing that was in our best interest, with this extremely powerful emphasis on "we have to make DAMN sure that you're not making a mistake before you can be allowed to do this," (as though it's even any of their damn business to begin with what mistakes we make or don't make with our lives; as though they're responsible for our responsibility of self) enforcing this idea that, for a VAST majority of people who transition, it DOES turn out to be a mistake. After all, why else would there be such a need for all the hullaballoo? Though, of course, modern research has shown that that couldn't be further from the truth, with our

This is such a powerful video - thank you for sharing this Dr Z. I fall into group 2 - I'm 38 🙂

Definitely in camp 2. Not a thought I can recall before exploding into my head at 64. It has taken me nearly 4 yours to have accepted myself as transgender. I certainly tried every rationalization and excuse I could muster. However, with the help of a gender therapist I was able to come to terms with myself and in the process have made some very positive changes in my self esteem and loving myself as a person. I am in the process of determining if I 'need' to transition. The idea intrigues me but so far I have found simple coping techniques for dysphoria. An example, my facial hair triggers me to the point I shave with me eyes closed. I find that brushing my hair for 60 seconds helps me back into a good place. I am concerned about health effects and impact on my close relationships of transitioning. Finding a reasonably priced therapist who does remote sessions has been a life changer.

Truly meaningful video for me. Hit the nail on the head.... I'm trans. I will move forward to further discover who I am.

Group 2. 50's AMAB. This video hit hard, thank you. I'm still fighting it for all the obvious reasons but fundamentally I don't trust my own feelings. An adult life of variable depression. Always searching for a reason. I've grown so much awareness in the last few months but I'm still rejecting it. I'm seeing a counsellor and journaling and I'll continue taking small steps. Scary and seems ridiculous and that I'm grasping at yet another straw for an answer. Thanks for the videos!

I'm definitely a part of group 2, I am amab and I am currently in my mid 30's and growing up through my childhood and teen years I had no real conscious signs that I was not what I was, but going through my adult life I had discovered a few things about myself, one was that for some reason I hated my body (I still can't really look at myself in the mirror unless I focus on a specific spot), and another that I have had on my mind for the last few years is I might be trans (or at least gender non-conforming), about 10 years ago a friend lent me a book where the MC was put in a position where they had to live life as a girl, and reading that I found I started wishing that was me, and I found myself gravitating to stories like that more than before, and then a few years ago someone had left some woman's clothes in my apartment's main lobby, and in a spur-of-the-moment I took the lot, I had no idea as to why I did that, but I did, so I went through them and found some that looked like they would fit, and I tried them on, and for some reason it felt "right", it wasn't a pleasure thing, it felt good in a way that it felt normal, so for a few years I continued crossdressing, and doing research, then I discovered that normal people don't even consider what it would be like to be the opposite gender, and that some thoughts I have had are beyond what a crossdresser thinks about, so I have been asking myself if I am a Crossdresser, Gender Non-Conforming or am I actually Trans, all I know for sure is my personality is not exactly feminine and I have no issue with that and I don't "Hate" what I was born with below the belt, but I do wish I was born female! Also I have been watching your videos to help me understand my thoughts better, and they have helped! Also, sorry for the long post!

I mean, I feel like I have jumped between group 1 and 2 a few times. I did the army thing (still reserves!) to be more of a man and there were times I suddenly recognized even at an early age what I felt and then I straight up fought it so hard and lied to myself I literally forgot about it and put myself in group 2. So that is what hits me is that if it was something I could literally forget about, was I lying to myself then, or am I lying now? I literally don't trust my own feelings and thoughts anymore so it is hard to know if I am really trans enough.

Thank you for explaining this part❤. It is difficult to distinguish what is regression and what is actual reality sometimes.

Group 1 here. You nailed it with your explanation about wanting to fit in with friends. And definitely if a parent ever said anything. My Mom now says I never did anything feminine or showed any signs. Well no of course not. I became an expert at hiding it. I'm 45, just came out this year. Had some doubts and fear about how life and people would treat me. However I am 100% the woman I had always dreamed of being. I don't worry I will wake up and change my mind. 💜

this was so on point... Great vid !! Group 2 for me I was in my late 30s when I realized this was not a fetish but still struggle daily with doubt.

Thank you so much for making those videos.

Great vid and very helpful to me x

One of the biggest things in my opinion is defintetly overcompensation within personal/work relationships. Going above and beyond to anyone no matter how they treat you just becayse you want to be a good person and feel good. iits hard but stay positive and know no matter what were all energy and we deserve the best things in life, not pain and hurt.

Group 2 for sure. Classic example based on the description. I must say this is also an excellent overview of GD.

I've watched this one several times. I cry ,never finish it. Oooh it's hard to take. This is me. I really wish I had a DrZ 30 yrs ago .Even being Gay seemed so fuckin hard. Ty DrZ all my love.❤❤❤

For me, it was the end of my last relationship that finally blew the lid off. I didn't want to make my same mistakes (denial of my identity and living through others, especially partners) over and over again. Besides, I couldn't even put it all back inside if I wanted to, it's not possible. Plus, I cannot say that I really miss a thing now - I got something much better - THE REAL ME!

I definitely knew i was trans. Being in my early 60s i still felt the need to to transition. I have had doubts at times . I'm glad I had a professional gender specialist and on the journey of transformation . I'm glad I made this decision and feel I made the correct decision. Thanks for this forum, you are very informative. ❤ the haircut and glasses. Thank you again.

"Ages 30+ don't just wake up wanting to be trans" this is not the first time you say something like this, it brings me both comfort and strength, during the rough days I tell myself "Think about what Dr Z talked about". The days that I question my feelings are getting further apart and you have helped me alot with this, thank you 😊

I consider myself to be sort of a mixture of these groups. I always was aware of the fact that I'd rather be a boy. But it was given and I accepted that it's because of the lack of gender equality. I went through my life with a help of quite a radical feminism and I survived. Until I started to see, that being a feminist doesn't mean the same for my feminist friends - they actually did like to be women. I didn't and it came to me in very very sudden realization in my 39, that what I have is completely different problem. And I blame gender inequality for making this not accesible for me! If women had the same opportunities in life and everything, it would be clear sooner I think, why I just hate to be a woman. Even after I gained everything I could (education, job, money, car, traveling time,..), just with my own effort, I still hated to be a woman. Then I overcompensated by having three kids and trying to be the best mother on earth, just to fall into biggest depression and burnout. So, when I came to terms, I hesitated just a little, as everything made sense suddenly. I had these worries of making a mistake for about 2 years, but by now I'm quite sure - I have nothing to lose in a sense of my mental health, integrity and authenticity. Because one thing I'm sure about is, I was everything but authentic before this. Let's just try, if this will be better. If not, I'm sure it couldn't ve worse. Thank you, as always, for being so accurate and helpful :)

Amazing video, thank you.

Thanks for making this! I am group one..

Group 1 almost 100% from age 4-5. Puberty was tough but I discovered all manner of distractions (drugs, alcohol, anger,violence,depression, suicidal ideation, art,movies, books, music, pornography (sex/masturbation) marriage, children and family. With no time for thinking and a life with no mental space for freedom or privacy I ‘managed’ to survive until my mid 40’s until despite all the noise I was making dysphoria hit me like a freight train. “HELLO! I’m STILL HERE and you CANNOT IGNORE ME! I’m still working through all the mental mess I’ve ignored and created (so I do feel somewhat Group 2 as well) but after coming out to family and friends and now 1 year into HRT I’ve never been so at peace with myself, even with ALL the cultural uproar and division surrounding TRANS. identity and ideology. As always, thank you Dr.Z for all your help.

Wow! This is such a great vid. I am of the second group. Been on HT for 7 months now. It's been fine for the most part except in February. Now I'm on the fence and thinking of detransitioning. Am I fooling myself? I'm unable to find a therapist, although I have an endocrinologist. I don't know what to do. 😔 I have been quite happy and comfortable coming out and proceeding with my transition. But it seems to be other external reasons that want me to give up before it's too late. I hope I can find the help.

Group 2 definitely describes me, though Im in my late 20s not 30s. I did experience what I now believe is dysphoria growing up but at the time I didn't know what the feelings were or what was causing it. Though I am pretty certain about the fact I'm trans, I continuously doubt myself because its taken me long to realise it and wonder if Im just convincing myself. Doesnt help that my mother also doubted it too because I wasn't super obvious about feeling that I was a boy growing up, despite me feeling that way subconsciously.

I'm both Group 1 and Group 2. I experienced gender dysphoria as a child; as a teenager; and as a young adult in 2001, I tried to DIY medical transition but this was discovered by my mother and it was such a painful confrontation that the process was halted and the feelings were effectively repressed. They were repressed in the sense that even though I've spent the last 20 odd years with some awareness that I suffered gender dysphoria, I was in denial about the profound impacts this had upon my quality of life. I was in a world of rationalisations where I told myself that it doesn't matter how you feel on the inside; that everyone might feel like that but they're able to just get over it; that if I ever did transition then I wouldn't know whether it fixes the incongruency (what if the woman I one day see is still not the woman I feel inside) etc etc. A few months back, I started to feel waves of overwhelming grief and shame about my life in the early 00s. At first, I was paying very little attention to the elephant in the room. But I forced myself to write to myself about those times so that I could better understand why they were on my mind. It took me about six weeks of drafting a letter of 23K+ words before there was nothing to say except: I am transgender. When I started feeling upset, and when I was so upset that I felt that I had to write my way out, the gender dysphoria was not at all on my mind. My ego had insisted it was trivial, reproducing the manner in which a parent might trivialise their child's gender dysphoria. While I can see that I was most recently suffering from repressed gender dysphoria, as per the second group, my life experiences as a whole seem to put me in the first category. There is no doubt in my mind or my heart that I am transgender. Those doubts left decades ago. What I've let go is the fear and the denial. It makes room for the love and acceptance.

I'm 29 now, I feel like I was in between both groups. On one hand I definitely repressed a lot of my gender dysphoria, looking back now (as I am waiting for intake into my clinic for assessment and HRT) I have been feeling dysphoric since grade 5 when I hit puberty. But I never knew what that all meant, I would cry and say to myself "I wish I was a girl" or "Life would be easier for me if I was born a girl" but I had no idea what those thoughts meant, and growing up in a household where queerness just isn't spoken about I just muzzled and ignored all of those thoughts. I tried to be every version of a guy I could and no matter what I did; I would go home and feel awful about how I felt like I was just 'playing a character' and not being me. This year has been huge for me, I've spoken to those I've trusted, accepted I was internally transphobic, came out publicly, dress femme, and now I am waiting on assessment so I can start HRT. Your videos have helped me sort through all the nitty-gritty stuff I couldn't understand. I'm not financially stable enough to see a specialist but have been in counselling and therapy before, and I know so deep down that I am trans. I second guessed my trans-ness for only a month or two, and now I am doing my best to find my footing so I can live life confidently.

Outstanding !

Hi! I just wanted to thank you for this and all of your videos I've been dealing with gender dysphoria ever since I can remember. I've tried to denied but it became so bad that I started to over masculinize myself to the point of confusion and in the space of three years I went down hill to the point that I became anorexic because of extreme anxiety and hatred through words myself I'm almost 24 now and I'm gonna get back to therapy and do something about it also a major sign for me was that I always avoided intimate relationships because I couldn't even bare the thought of being that vulnerable to the point that I didn't ever look at myself naked in the mirror thank you ❤ this time I will get better.

Hi, your description of group 2 resonates with me very strongly, but I'm only 19. The youngest I think you mention as part of group 2 is 22 and you say you're very particular about age. I'd like to know why, and what you think this means for those under 22 who feel like part of group 2. Thank you

I'm in group 2, I woke up last week with this realization.

I really needed this video. I'm in group 2 and it's just as much second-guessing myself as it is not wanting to be trans. I don't want to be trans. Life in the South (TM) is SO MUCH more terrifying than it already was . . .

I'm right in the line between both camp to be honest, my egg broke when I was 25 a 100% but then I repressed it so bad I felt back into camp 2, now I've started my transition at 31 and feels doubts but this video really helped. I believe this is mostly fears that needs to be overcome.

I have a question that may not have an answer (at least yet). Does the age that a person goes through puberty, whether relatively young or older than is typical, have an impact on when a trans person realizes they are trans? I went through puberty quite young, starting to menstruate at 11 and basically fully developed by age 12/13. So I was being recognized as a woman at a very young age. Puberty was highly traumatic for me psychologically but my mother and doctor both explained it away as being due to happening so fast and young for me. I definitely bought into this as well. It took until I was 40 to finally have the lightbulb go off that I wasn't cis. Is there any research or from your own experience Dr. Z a correlation between age of puberty and when people realize they are trans?

Thank you so much for this

I think I am in group 2 I am 29 and will be starting hrt just before 30. This video definitely helped me out ❤

i experienced intense gender dysphoria my whole life until the past year! i lived as a transgender child, teen, and adult. i think that my trans experience is still a big part of my identity and a big part of the way i currently experience my gender. i don’t REGRET transitioning at all, but im not the person i was in the past! its okay to figure out that maybe you’re not trans. i’m living life now as myself still, even after hormone therapy, and im happy. i WAS happy transitioning, and i am still happy now. whatever path you go on, and however you change, you will still be you. you will still have options to explore the world and explore the kind of person you are! don’t die wondering! 🩷

Hey, another great episode with some really good questions. I feel like I was a mixture of both, having some dysphoria but not knowing what it was during puberty then completely throwing it in the closet thinking that everybody has discomfort with their body because teenage years are always uncomfortable no matter what and I thought that a lot of people are just uncomfortable with their bodies in general and uncomfortable with social things in general. And I feel like a lot of people put that stuff easily hidden somewhere in order to play the role in order to figure out okay well is this me is this not me and then you get kind of In This Groove and then all the sudden years go by. When you have coping mechanisms it's easy to kind of figure out well should I just keep it the way it is? Another question I have is what about if someone's on the Spectrum autistically. I'm not saying all trans people are autistic or all autistic people are trans, but I am on the Spectrum and I am aware of a lot of social aspects in society that don't make sense to me anyway, and I have noticed that there is some studies done for people who are autistic and for people who are non-binary or trans or definitely don't associate with the normal social standards based upon the assigned sex at Birth. I noticed for myself that I've never understood certain social cues, but things become more complicated when you realize that sometimes those cues are just because you don't feel comfortable with them in general. I was wondering when your practice, have you come across how autism can play a role in gender? Or not even feeling gender at all? Or realizing that the things that you look for in social situations are incredibly different than the norm and how that plays in the external world and how you engage in it. I appreciate any comments or if you want to make a video on it that would be great too. I know you are not a specialist in autism, but it's an interesting overlap that I think would help some people who have both of these situations at the same time. Thank you again for your community and time and if you read this within a certain amount of time, I hope you (and the rest of the readers) have an awesome Halloween! 🧛🏻‍♂️🎃

I think part of it has to do with the fact that as my body has gotten older it has gotten softer and more curvaceous and my curves have always caused me some dysphoria that's why I've always felt better when I'm at a lower weight because my chest and hips are smaller and since I've started taking tea I've been slimming down in those areas and that's been really helpful

Camp 2 here. Everything was so repressed until I was 30, so as you say, I'm continually reaffirming my identity. It makes sense that someone like me (stable, has friends, good job) wouldn't just wake up with dysphoria - which is true, I am just realizing all the ways it's manifested that I didn't notice before. But I've had a hard time feeling comfortable with that justification alone (even though self identification isn't something that needs proof). I've realized that making the choice to take hormones every day, and being happier and happier with the changes that transitioning has brought, is in and of itself all the evidence I need to know that this is right.

Hello thanks so much for your precious videos. I'm an Italian ftm and I realised I was transgender at 49, without ever being conscious I was. It's sure I've always struggled with clothing and standard "girls proper behaviours" since my early childhood.. the fights with my mother about how I was supposed to dress and the hate I felt towards special events like New year's Eve where the dress code was to be elegant. Always felt envious of the male body and never felt confortable wearing a bra. And this is just a small part of the disforia traits I've always had but wasn't conscious about. Always felt male during sex intercourses. But even after almost 3 years on T and super happy about how my body is changing and I'm so looking forward to chest surgery scheduled in 3 months, there's always this voice within, that makes me question my identity because hey, haven't I lived a good lesbian life since few ears ago where the transgender concept wasn't at all in my life? It isn't easy, it triggers many issues like what is gender, what I think means being a man, but as you said, and I thank you again so much for your help, I've kind of been lucky to be part of the second group. Even though it would have been better for me to enjoy life in this new body earlier. The only regret I have. It's still hard but I see that the more masculine my body becomes, less loud is this inner voice.

Camp 1, and you're spot on about the fears. In hindsight, I know that I was gender noncongruent all my life. Always played with the girls as a kid, for instance. I had to become 30 to finally realize that yes, I am trans, and as old as 46 to start HRT. I am 48 now. If you had asked me before HRT if I experience dysphoria, I would have said no. But do you know the feeling when a loud noise that has been there all the time, that you didn't even consciously hear anymore, suddely goes away? The relief you feel? That is how I feel about dysphoria now. It was there all the time, and I only noticed when it started to go away. But I had (and still have!) so much to lose. I still play a man at work, I could lose a job that secures not just my existence, but also that of my family. Will my kids be bullied at school if their dad is suddelny their mom? What about the professional reputation that I built under a wrong name? But yeah, when I finally pushed the button to start HRT, there wasn't a shadow of a doubt on my mind whether I was trans.

Is it possible to question both category questions?

I'm in camp 2 and I was well past my 30's when I figured out I'm trans. I always knew something was off. I was so awkward in my teenage years. At one point I literally hated myself. I tried to commit suicide twice, once in my teen years and once in my early 20's. I eventually made an uneasy peace with myself. But I never felt confident or completely right. That all changed once my egg cracked. I haven't started on HRT yet but I plan to. I just know that for the first time in my life I am happy in my skin. Just knowing who you really are makes such a difference in my life. I do get doubts from time to time that I'm really trans but I know deep down that I really am. Thank you so much for these wonderful videos!

Group 2 - repressed due to society, upbringing, time and place, did everything to avoid it - finally could not take it any more and stopped lying to myself in my 60's.

I've been watching some videos by people who have detransitioned, and who complained that nobody questioned them enough about what their problems really were. How do you distinguish between someone who might be experiencing problems that won't be helped by a gender transition from those who would be helped?

I'm definitely in group one! always have felt 'different' since age 4. All my life I thought I was a crossdresser as I felt 'normal' when dressed as female. Last year, at he age of 64, the pressure became too great and entered into therapy. My gender therapist within 2 sessions diagnosed me with gender dysphoria and I finally realized I was trans! I started HRT in January and I never have been happier. My mind and body are starting to align with the gender I should have been born as! I feels so liberated in being the person I am, and always was! My only fear was one of acceptance from my partner and family, but their acceptance has been short of amazing! I don't regret starting transition now as I have a wonderful family, wonderful partner, had an amazing career, all things that I don't regret having and would have never had if I transitioned at a younger age. Moving forward, I can now embrace being the woman I always wanted to be and was meant to be.

I'm 24, but I definitely fall into group 2. My mum would shame me for not being "girly enough" and wearing "unflattering" clothes, because they were a men's fit. I always thought that it wasn't a possibility for myself. When I first had the thought "what if I'm trans", it scared me so much that I pushed it away. But it kept coming back and I eventually gave in. I have socially transitioned, but too scared to make anything official. I'm so worries I'm lying and making a mistake that it makes me want to give up and go back to who I was, even though I always felt like something was wrong then. I could never feel comfortable identifying as a girl. It always felt wrong, but I always believed that there was no alternative for me

I fall into group 2 but I am a teen. You always talked about adults but what about teens in group 2 what do you think I should do? I am very confused about my gender.

When I was in my early 20's I thought maybe I was gay so I gave it a try and quickly discovered that I am not into men. I didn't know what I was feeling was gender dysphoria until I was 27 years old. Now 22 years later I'm still coping and haven't transitioned. Who knows what the future holds for me. I'll probably continue to walk the line between genders in a non binary way instead of full feminine trans woman. But never say never.