When a Narcissistic Parent Scapegoats the Other Parent

Рет қаралды 4,977

Jay Reid - Recovery from Bad Childhoods

Күн бұрын

In today's video I examine the destructive impact of one parent scapegoating the other. Also known as parental alienation, this practice requires the child to side with the narcissistic parent or else. First, I discuss two reasons why a narcissistic parent scapegoats the other parent. Second, I describe the emotional and developmental costs to the child of the scapegoat parent. A fictionalized case example will be used to illustrate this process. Today's videos is the first of a two-part series. In the second part I explain the process of recovery for children who had to sacrifice their relationship to the scapegoat parent.
A link to a Published Book on Narcissistic Abuse:
Growing Up as the Scapegoat to a Narcissistic Parent: A Guide to Healing
www.amazon.com/dp/B0BXN2287H
A link to my online course to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse: jreidtherapy.com/narcissistic...
The link to my free webinar on '7 Self-Care Tools to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse':jreidtherapy.com/webinar-self...
Here's the link to my e-book on Surviving Narcissistic Abuse as the Scapegoat: jreidtherapy.com/ebook-scapeg...
KZfaq series on Shame in recovery from Narcissistic Abuse: • The role of shame in s...
Private Facebook Support Group that Accompanies the Online Course: / recoverynarcabuse
Take the narcissistic emotional abuse quiz: jreidtherapy.com/quiz/narc-ab...
Schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation: jreidtherapy.com/book-now
Subscribe to my channel: / @jreid-heal-narcissist... #jayreidpsychotherapy

Пікірлер: 93

@Sally-gu8mq 11 ай бұрын

The healing begins when the child feels that it is safe to believe that his parents are not holy. The healing reaches its peak when the child accepts that it is okay that his parents are just bad people and that he must no longer defend them or look for excuses for them. Relief comes when the child realizes that he can survive without his parents. The triumph comes when he discovers that he could finally thrive when he abandoned his parents. life can finally begin when he meets himself at the end line and starts to know himself again. when he finally discovers what a wonderful being he had been all along.

@DebbieLee-dr3hr 11 ай бұрын

Really beautiful. Thank you

@user-yf9pe2pg2w 15 күн бұрын

I agree 👍 💯 I'm trapped cuz my income isn't enough to afford rent or support me and my 4 year old daughter plus my mom would probably call the cops chase me down the road or take me to court out of spite. It's a tough hurdle. If was alone I'd be 10 states away lmao I just can't put my 4 year old in a dire situation not knowing where to go and not having $ to survive idk what to do I'm like seriously controlled and beat everyday and shielding my daughter being the punching bag

@taniabluebell3099 Жыл бұрын

As a child I often advocated for my father. He was the scapegoat until I took his title during middle school. What I failed to learn was my father was happy for me to take his title. I became the new target. My mom often focused her aggression toward me. While my father was still in her crosshairs, he got a reprieve when my mom focused her attention on me. He needed me to be the scapegoat. This is why he didn’t lift a finger to help me when I was being targeted by my mom. My father pretended to be my friend. He used me as his counselor to vent about my mom. When I attempted to share my experiences of abuse my father would cut me off and continue to tell his victimhood stories. I didn’t recognize who my father was until I became an adult. My father is a covert narcissist, often pulling the strings to set my mom off. He gained a lot of freedom from his role as husband and father because people felt sorry for him for the “crazy” he had to deal with at home. Looking back, he wanted this dynamic to continue so he had an excuse to make himself scarce, often spending time having social time at people’s homes. Even during the holidays. He’d sneak away to spend it with my relatives, always using the excuse that my mom was unreasonable. This was true, but this meant he neglected me and my four siblings and we were left at the mercy of our mother. My father did expose himself as my mom’s “partner in crime”. When I went no contact I reluctantly included him. This is when he exposed his true loyalties and teamed up with my mom. Including the lies my mom spread about me about the reasons I relocated. Some parents are real scapegoats. Mine happened to be a narcissist who married another narcissist. He was just better at hiding it

@annewoods3528 Жыл бұрын

Same with me. 🫶

@taniabluebell3099 Жыл бұрын

💙

@Hawaiiansky11 11 ай бұрын

I noticed well into my adulthood that when my father wasn't there to yell at, pick on and manipulate into an argument (where narc mother would inevitably lock herself into their room and refuse to come out, for dramatic effect--which is probably why I grew to hate holidays and family get-togethers), she would pick at me. Now, by my mid- to late-thirties, I was done with her b.s. so I would clap back, and then she would tell everyone that I had been picking on HER the whole day. (eyeroll). At the most recent gathering in @ 2014, both of my sisters-in-law asked me why my mother was so upset with me. With learned apathy, I shrugged my shoulders and stated, "Dad's not here." It was obvious to everyone, and probably more shocking for them, as they hadn't grown up and learned to ignore it. (I don't know why YT has added a 'strikeout line' in some of my comments!!)

@ginadellgrottaglia6897 11 ай бұрын

@@Hawaiiansky11 Strikeout line is usually used to denote sarcasm. I was confused as to what you were trying to convey here lol. 1. The bold is asterisk, word/line, asterisk. 2. Italics is underscore, word/line, underscore. 3. Strike is dash flush with a word/line, then dash flush on other side. Btw, poignant comment. Thanks for posting.

@dominiquedevereux7205 8 ай бұрын

That's DEEP. I want 2 say my situation is similar but I'm still trying to figure out the dynamics. I didn't know what a narcissist was until about 4yrs ago when I was 39. Until then, I just knew my whole life that my mom was bossy & would go in on my dad in a way I didn't think was befitting for a wife to go in on her husband. Even though I didn't know the term for it as a child, I now know that what my dad is is termed a "beta male" ---- meaning he is not the leader, but follower. I thought he was weak cuz I'm like "You're the man; you can demand she not talk to you disrespectfully." I mostly only thought this, but actually told him to stand up for himself 1 or 2x when I was in my 20s or 30s, but he was like: "I don't pay your mom any attention; that's just how she is." My mom was more covert with me as a child, but there were several occasions when she would rage at me just for having a different opinion or calling her out for being wrong. She would do slick things like always act surprised when someone commented to her how well-behaved & respectful I was as if she couldn't believe it; as if I'd ever gotten in trouble at school, church, with the Law, or anyone. Anything I did that didn't match the status quo was made out to be wrong, & in turn that made me believe anything I did in my own unique way, i.e., ---- natural to me --- was intrinsically wrong As I got into my mid 20s onward, she shifted most of her focus to me & off my dad as much, & to my chagrin, he not only did not stand up for me, but joined in with her. In fact, it's like he's a mini version of her. They constantly tag team me. Unfortunately, due to long-term illness, & therefore resultant financial instability, I've had to live with them most of my life & I'm in my early 40s. The abuse has compounded my physical issues on top of the illness & mentally taxed me to the point where my memory is shit most of the time & I STAY fatigued to the point where I want to sleep whenever I'm not working & no amount of sleep is ever enough. I can't believe over half my life has been spent in abuse. All my good years gone. But I'm planning on moving to another state B4 the end of the year & if things work out in my favor & I time it right --- my parents won't know I'm gone til it's too late cuz I'm gonna try to do it on a day when they're gone on 1 of their trips to the casino. I'm afraid cuz I'm moving with a friend I've known for 4yrs,but we've only spoken on the phone & video chatted cuz we're a state apart. We met on YT of all places. She claims her mother is a narcissist who emotionally AND physically abused her her entire childhood so she understands. I'm still scared though cuz back in 2018 I moved all the way to VA to stay with a friend to get out of my situation. And I had known this friend for 21yrs since high school & she turned out to be a covert narcissist. And I had to leave that situation to return home to my narcissistic parents. "Better the devil 😈, you know," I guess . . . so I'm scared about taking the same chance again. But I have no 1 else to help me, so I guess I have to chance it. Even if I die the next day I escape, at least I'll die free, in the physical respect. Anyway, I said all that to say that it's mindfuck looking back over my childhood, trying to figure out if both of my parents were always narcs & just hid it well until they couldn't anymore. I wonder if my dad was always a lesser narc & it tooky mother taking some of her focus off him & putting the burnt of it on me in order for me to see --- OR if he was made one by her over time by osmosis. "Birds of a feather . . . " It was (and probably will 4ever remain) so hard for me to fully accept my parents are narcs --- especially my mom, when it seems she genuinely loved me as a lil' child. And it seems she shows true empathy for every1 in our family & even strangers OVER me. It's like she only treats ME this way, but she can cry at the drop of a dime for others & go broke spending 💰 to help others, but when I told her I had been dealing with a terminal illness for years, she just looked at me and said: "Well, they have pills for that --- you'll be fine. But what about me & my heart issues?!" As if I didn't help nurse her back 2 health while I was silently battling my own illness. Her lack of empathy & sense of entitlement in those moments is numbingly profound. I just pray God will let the stars align for me JUST THIS ONCE & be able to make my escape in December. I don't want to bring in a new year on the same ol' situation.

@Christine-cf2bz Жыл бұрын

I FINALLY see the reality... my mother scapegoated my dad and me... and I am very similar in character to dad: Empathetic, kind, deeply loving, loyal, gentle yet strong and highly intelligent just like DAD... I see it so clearly now! We were both her targets... but I am thriving after going no contact. I will live to bring out the best of me as DAD would love to see, so help me God! 🎉❤ THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS.

@orielwiggins2225 Жыл бұрын

It just adds so much layers to the experience of having been scapegoated as a child when both your ex and your parent scapegoat you in this way when you have your own children. And are trying so hard to do the opposite

@Lioness_of_Gaia Жыл бұрын

It's crazy making.

@mtc-j9i Жыл бұрын

I am in the same boat. For a while I even struggled with this type of treatment at work in a specific team I was on. We get put in the role anytime a toxic person is present because we don’t see it coming, so we don’t set a boundary. They start off testing you with little jokes and put downs to see if you’ll accept the role. Never let people do this to you, even if it feels familiar. They sense who they can do it to, but they always test you first. Red flags to look for: cannot own up to problems, shifts blame, can’t apologize, can’t be wrong, can’t take responsibility with accountability (wants the credit but not the blame), takes credit for your ideas, and cares more about image than character. This type of person needs a scapegoat to get through life this way. They actually have a victim mentality, even if they seem “positive” because essentially all the problems they’ve ever caused are somebody else’s fault. All of these characteristics I would have noticed in isolation, but I didn’t realize they actually work together. When you see any of these, run or create distance or set a hard boundary and do not smile it off. This is a toxic person.

@LisaSmith-yb2uz Жыл бұрын

🥹❤️absolutely

@ginaiosef 11 ай бұрын

@@mtc-j9iAbsolutely from here too! ❤

@andreavanda5402 Жыл бұрын

Excellent explanation of what happens when one parent scapegoats the other. It really cleared some things up for me. It is truly a sad situation for everyone involved especially the children. I believe the narcissists do immeasurable damage to their families. They are truly sick individuals who ruin the lives of everyone around them. My question is why don't they see that, by alienating the child from the other parent, they are actually doing the most harm to the child. Of course they're narcissists so they don't care who they hurt and always feel justified.

@alicehenri598 Жыл бұрын

They live to destroy those around them and actually derive a lot of pleasure doing so.

@shelleywilbur614 3 ай бұрын

A Narcissist is incapable of empathy. My husband’s determination to undermine my relationship with my daughter was something he did for his own needs. A father or mother who is capable of love his would never want to sabotage a child’s relationship with other parent.

@poncho520nyc9 Жыл бұрын

I lived through this for 20 years. My daughter is 27 and we finally have a relationship

@evezazzle5974 Жыл бұрын

So sorry you endured that. You never deserved that. Really happy for you and your daughter. Wishing you a kind and gentle recovery and life 🙏🎁🤍☀️

@imsunnybaby Жыл бұрын

i finally got to know my dad too i am so lucky i did

@suemcmurter7301 11 ай бұрын

Every single Family Court Judge should be on the lookout for this type of behavior.

@Natybsg Жыл бұрын

What a huge pain and confusion for the child, specially when the narcissistic one is the mother (or both, in some cases) 😓😰😰 My father repeatedly tried to scapegoat my mother for these same reasons (competition, envy, devaluation). But scapegoating her wasn't so easy, as she treated us way better than he did and took some care of us. What I can say is... it was SO painful, scary, lonely and helpless to watch him raging on her 😓😢 I was a little kid. It's still painful to remember. I've been working on taking care of myself, letting them take care of their own lives, stop feeling responsible for other people's problems and feelings and stop feeling menaced by other people's moods.

@lapislazuliphoenix 4 ай бұрын

So true! Had 7 years with okay mom, then watched step father scapegoat and treat her like nothing for nearly 8! He tried but failed in bringing me on his side many times. I felt so sorry for her, so loved her harder. Felt so protective of her, but was a child without any power.😢 So traumatizing for children!

@qrisstrongmountain780 Жыл бұрын

My father is dying now. My sister won't let me see him, since he lives at her home. Both of them have scapegoated me and used "parental alienation" as if I am my bipolar mother to throw me completely out of the family. I've been accused of fighting with my sister when I haven't called or texted her even once since January 2019, which I handed her birthday gifts for my nieces. My nieces are unwilling to reach out to me, even though they're 21 & 17, which makes me wonder what they've been told. My last conversation with my father was over whether I could have contact information for his side of the family. He said "No" then told me the two photo albums he gave me would have to be enough. I feel like an orphan, and I'm at the end of my rope. I've been a puppet for 61 years, and my hands are empty. My "safe" people are not able to help me, in fact one told me to move out, when I don't have the money or resources to leave. I've been reaching out for counseling, but I'm having trouble getting it. The abyss is looming...

@kevinmasterson5733 Жыл бұрын

This is the one thing that my parents didn’t do. My biggest issue with my mother is that she did not protect me when my dad would beat me. She would justify his actions, even after I was an adult and he was dead.

@Andrea-lp4bb Жыл бұрын

My abusive ex husband engaged in full parental alienation with our only daughter who was 16 when he walked out. But to add to that, my Narc mother sided with him and coerced the rest of the family to do the same. Now he is welcomed into the family as a hero who apparently survived the most dreadful marriage stuck with me…. The apparent evil monster. My daughter fell for the alienation for quite some time but now almost wants nothing to do with her abusive father. She is still heavily enmeshed in my family though which of course gives my mother supreme power. I am cast out, excluded from everything while my daughter and ex husband are included. It’s head wrecking albeit not surprising.

@thecringeistoostrong 9 ай бұрын

Same happened here my narc dad converted everyone else to be a narc in my family and their friends too he keeps gossiping and comparing me to other family members and its really draining and hurts and at work happens aswell to me too

@mtc-j9i Жыл бұрын

Yep. All of this. She scapegoats those closest to her. First my father, and then me. If she gets into a new relationship, it’s generally not long before the love of her life becomes the newest temporary scapegoats. It’s what she does.

@marymcfadden6631 Жыл бұрын

Thank you for this. It's exactly what I grew up with. I felt conflicted for 50 years. Always wondered...how could dad be treated like he was and still defend our mom.. This helps a lot.

@PassionateFlower Жыл бұрын

You couldn't pay me enough to birth a child into this messed up world.

@CDiG1977 7 ай бұрын

Right??!! Having gone through this makes creating life feel life a cruel, sadistic act

@Polina-ji4fe Жыл бұрын

My mother was scapegoated by her narcissistic mother

@francesbernard2445 Жыл бұрын

What you are saying is true Jay. The tricky part is when a protective parent who is being scapegoated too decides to leave with their children they better have more financial resources than the narcissist does because if not then the narcissistic parent will in court be using the D.A.R.V.O. set of strategies while escalating their abuse and sometimes covert violence too against the protective parent who at the same time is left trying to cope with how their chldren are being brainwashed against them more then not less at his (or her) place. By the way some narcissistic parents just love to use R rated movies while brainwashing small children too.

@CDiG1977 7 ай бұрын

It’s true - it’s hard to distinguish victim from perpetrator to the outside world

@matilda4406 11 ай бұрын

The majority of comments so far describe "female" perpetrators who target and scapegoat others they perceive to be better than them in a vain attempt to break them down..... no longer a taboo subject! Much appreciated. Thanks Mr Reid

@judysangregorio2787 Жыл бұрын

Great video, and examples. This describes perfectly my stepson’s disgusting mother who he was made from an early age to be her “flying monkey”…..and she is his “flying monkey”.

@ljo0605 Жыл бұрын

Such a sad reality for some people. I experienced this growing up and was gaslit so much against my dad. Now I've left home and got married, I see the dynamics so now I'm the scapegoat ... Unfortunately she is his carer now and still makes it difficult for me to have a private conversation with him. This has lead to me losing both parents 😢

@rubberbiscuit99 Жыл бұрын

My mother and my father both alienated me from the other parent, if that makes sense. They had totally different ways of doing it. I married someone who did this to our daughter behind my back, by pointing out all my flaws, real and imagined, to her, and telling her I was "crazy" and she did not need to listen to me. I unwittingly played in by trying to provide limitations for her, and by trying to protect her by presenting a united front with him to her. Miraculously, when I left my now ex, my daughter cut off all contact with him. She did not tell me any of what he had done to her until after the divorce was final, which took 2 years and lots of money I did not have. There is a lot of trauma to heal in these situations.

@hieronyx Жыл бұрын

My mother treated my father like this until I was a teenager. As a teenager, when I decided I didn't want to be an ivy leaguer, she had to switch to me being the scapegoat. Good ole Asian moms.

@annewoods3528 Жыл бұрын

I wanted to relay my experience about this parental dynamics involving a narc, but I don't even know how to begin. When my father was dying, his last words to my brothers were that he's happy that they achieved what he couldn't: that they remained unmarried. My narc mother's pathology was in epic proportion. It's only until I was much older, I began to appreciate how damaged my father was to even think she was anywhere near a marriage material.The whole family, me and him especially, suffered greatly. She was insanely envious of me and my father, hated every female related to him. She died of lung cancer a few years ago. She never smoked, but my father was a heavy smoker all his life. I wonder if that was his way of answering her relentless cruelty. It gives me satisfaction to think it was. Recalling this, I amaze myself for surviving my family.

@ginaiosef 11 ай бұрын

You are a survivor, be proud of it, and you have plenty of reasons after you've been through . Lung cancer... is like suffocating with envy

@annewoods3528 11 ай бұрын

@@ginaiosef Thank you!

@ginaiosef 11 ай бұрын

@@annewoods3528 ❤️

@Saar114 Жыл бұрын

My mom often complained about all my fathers 'mistakes and personal shortcomings' and would discuss them with me. It already happend when i was a child and she wanted to paint him as a bad man. She till this day dominates him and has no respect for him at all. (Even outsiders say this so i know im not making it up). I guess her tactics worked a bit because i feel often irritation by his passivity. Which i feel guilty for. This is why i only want brief contact with them. Even though they want very frequent contact 🤷‍♀️

@lesliegann2737 Жыл бұрын

A much needed video. It is surprising this subject isn't covered more. This was my situation. My dad was the main scapegoat. The scenario was that my mother considered herself all positive and strong and dad was negative and weak. This alone is major mindfukery because it is like the child has only 2 choices. I had similar looks and some qualities of my father so I felt afraid I'd be judged in the same way. Mother also required me to be her invisible door mat talking post which in essence put me in the 'weak' category.

@orielwiggins2225 Жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for doing this video. The topic is never addressed in any sort of depth at all and my family is Rife with Fallout from this. One of my narcissistic parents did this about the other narcissistic parent and then when my ex did this to our child about me, that same parents of mine cited with him. It's a total cluster. I can't wait for the next video. And would love to have a whole regular segment on this aspect.

@Hawaiiansky11 11 ай бұрын

My narcissistic mother lied so many times, to so many people about so many things, it makes me wonder how much of the horrible things she said about our 'monster' and 'bastard' of a father were true. Probably none. I remember as a teen or 20-something feeling like I was not allowed to love my father. But the narc doesn't realize that the more she tried to force me to love her and hate him (they stayed married until she died in 2018), the closer to him I felt and the further away from her I cringed. Narcs literally believe that they can force people through threats and violence to love them.

@diatribe5 11 ай бұрын

So many kids I grew up with had parents who were divorced, and mine eventually got on that bandwagon, because although they still had a sex life, they were often yelling at each other and it seemed like a power struggle, but once separated, they badmouthed each other, and it seemed to be an attempt to play the kids like pawns in a chess game. They even did it long after we flew the nest, always blaming the other behind their backs for their own actions and shortcomings. I’ve seen this in so many others who had divorced parents.

@CDiG1977 7 ай бұрын

I didn’t realize how unfair, untrue and devastating what my mom did to my dad was until she did it to me, too, many years after she’d ruined his life. With him: he had a brain injury and as he was healing he experienced anger and personality changes temporarily. My mother used an incident when he acted out of character to encourage my siblings and me to see him as a bad father. During his recovery from a traumatic brain injury, my mother managed to alienate him from all his children (except me). The cruelty is almost unbelievable. Many years prior, my dad had left my mom, and she had him put in jail for an unwitnessed incident that she reported. I now no longer believe it even happened. With me: While I was in medical school, I suddenly got very ill due to mold in an apartment I lived in at the time. I had to leave the apartment of course, and she took that opportunity ( my vulnerability at a high stakes time) to start the smear campaign that alienated me from my entire family and left me homeless, unable to afford residency applications, and very nearly unable to afford to finish medical school. Only in retrospect, after what she did to me, did I realize that it was quite likely that my dad had been innocent the whole time, too.

@chef-g6p 11 ай бұрын

Thank you for taking on the topic of Narcissistic parents. Would you please consider sharing your insights on the other family members (spouse, children) who chose for decades to enable/support the narcissist’s abuse of the scapegoat - in order to avoid similar treatment being directed to them? If possible, could you additionally address thoughts on what these family members can do to come together after the narcissist dies? The enabling family members never questioned the narcissist’s lies that they used to justify their decision to increasingly reject and banish the scapegoat from the family. Rather than let the narcissist’s sick plan succeed, I know that scapegoats are far more brave, resilient and kind than the narcissist’s enablers.

@madameamyking Жыл бұрын

My mother used "the church" to beat us all up with. Anybody who didn't agree with her evangelical views was emotionally cut from the herd. My dad tried for over 30 years to win her approval, but never got it. He died of a massive heart attack (a broken heart) 30 years ago in September. My only brother, who was JUST like my dad in every way, took his own life two years ago because, among other things, he could no longer bear our mother's disapproval, channeled through his own wife! I was the only family member he came to see even though our mother lives less than 5 miles from me. She refuses to talk about what I saw that tragic last weekend to this day. I believe it was the envy component of what Jay discusses that caused her rage. Dad was such a good man. At his funeral service, even the balcony was SRO. Did I "turn" on my dad and my brother? I believe I did and that they did feel it and if I had 5 minutes with my father, I would beg him to forgive me. I know it's all part of the sad circle of narcissistic family life, but even after 30 years, it still hurts. I am glad to finally know that it really was something my mother DID to him, albeit subconsciously, not just collateral damage only I saw or felt.

@LisaSmith-yb2uz Жыл бұрын

I find myself returning back to your channel so routinely, Jay … so, I finally also just ordered your book today! 💕👍 thanks so much for all your hard work and dedication!

@blue_moon6490 11 ай бұрын

I am the scapegoated mother in this situation. My (edit: ex) husband kept my daughter from me, “replaced” me as a mother in the home and although I did stay in my daughters life, as an every other weekend mom, as an adult, we are estranged. 💔😔 This is helping me see things from her side. She has never opened up or admitted out loud to the alienation. She has only hinted at things and of course I understand the signs.

@bernadette573 5 ай бұрын

Sounded like my life when my sister and I would sit on the stairs in the dark listening to our parents fight. They fought low with curt voices; we would try to overhear until the dishes began to crash and we ran to our beds. My dad left when I was eight, and he didn't even say goodbye. My mom told me he left because we were all grown up and I remember reminding her, I am eight, Mom, and she said and I never forgot it: "Your brother and sister are all grown up!" And right then and there I realized I didn't even exist to my father, I was not the slightest consideration. Never looked at him the same way again.

@RebeccaRuano 19 күн бұрын

Mine split up at 2, and dad moved 2000 miles away. Step dad was a 3rd narcissist to enter my life. They all decided as a collective that I was a liar and couldn’t tell the truth if I tried. Established as a liar as I was learning to talk. Life’s been a real test of what’s real in this world.

@RebeccaRuano 19 күн бұрын

Eventually, I was not allowed to talk about the other parent with the one I was with.

@louisegarner8888 Жыл бұрын

My older MN GC sister would scapegoat my parents. You never hear about children holding power over parents. I wonder if it's genetic at times? She's one of 4 siblings that's turned out exactly like my father's bully of a father and the only one who never understood this dynamic.. Thanks for your videos, they're a big help understanding these toxic dynamics.

@matilda4406 11 ай бұрын

yes, there are reasons for this, a child can scapegoat their parent/s, a deep inter-generational unwanted inheritance

@GlowingOfAgeStory 9 ай бұрын

The first 30 seconds and this video resonate with my childhood so much. Parent alienation can happen in a marriage as well

@lascosasporsunombre8991 4 ай бұрын

My father is a doctor, my mother was young when she got ill, she was not into a terminal illnes, but she was weakening in between 2 years finding about her symptoms. before getting sick, my mother used to be a good woman, very active, she was 40 years old, and did a lot of things, but my father was always strange, to me as a scapegoted child it was difficle to believe in him because I saw him lying and doing bad things to me since I was a kid. But there was a huge devaluation of everyone in my house since we were kids, the narcissist was always reminding us that he was the one who brought money to home, and things like that, in between also tones of rages from him who saw himself as the only one worthy in the family so we were always in alert not to begining a fight even though there were fights. WHEN my mother got ill, his rage towards my mom scaled too much, at the point he was easily and constantly yelling to her to "stop faking her illness" and things like that. She then started to have deppression and in only two years she was in too much shame of herself, and then she died. it was the most painful thing that I've seen in my life. She was a good woman, with good qualities. After she passed away my father turned his rage and pointed at me as the enemy I was only 19 when this happened, and he turned everyone against me. I am over, I tryed many things to get out of this awful life as being pointed and mistreated by everyone in my family. I tryed therapy, I finished my University, I've found a good job but got bullied so much there, I was always looking for be a good person, but nothing worked out for me. I still have hope to have something similar to life in here. I now know something, the feeling of anxiety that I had since then, is because I was truly abandoned, like an orphan, as a teenager I thought that I was going to be able to survive by myself, but it was awful, it was I cannot describe what happened to me. Where this kind of people come from? is just a question about, what in the heck they have in their minds to be such assholes with people and not feeling any regret.

@shelleywilbur614 3 ай бұрын

When the narcissist is a covert narcissist scapegoating/parental alienation is particularly undermining. My husband appeared to my daughter as the nicest guy in the world, always. Never, in her life, has she experienced anything but gentleness from him. Yet, while behaving towards her as a nicest guy in the world from the time she was a young child he did everything he could to sabotage my relationship with her so he would be her favorite. Everything I did as a parent, which I always knew was appropriate, was misinterpreted deliberately by him as a form of abuse, even though he knew it wasn’t. If I fed her healthy foods, had her pick up after herself or set a regular bedtime I was trying to “rob her of her happiness.” In other words, when I set appropriate limits he would tell her it was a form of abuse. He always played the good cop, while forcing me to play the bad . He never said no to her. Always gave her exactly what she wanted and let her do what she wanted. If, on occasion, there, was some thing he didn’t want her to do, for example, have a sleepover he would tell me he doesn’t want her to do it. And I would say to her, “Dad and I don’t want you to do a sleepover.” And he would say “I never said that”. That was always shocking. And when it happened it would get me so angry that I would lose it. And when I lost it he would turn around her and say “See, how crazy your mother is?” When she got to be a teenager and started smoking pot, he started supplying her and her friends with pot. When she got her license he bought her an expensive SUV, even though money was tight for us. He indulged her is if we were rich when we were struggling. The difference between a narcissist as described in this video and my husband is that my daughter was never afraid of him. She and I have talked about Narcissistic scapegoating and parental alienation. In recent years she has admitted that she knows her father was toxic to me. She said that she was never afraid of him or ever felt that he would reject her, but I know deep down inside, whether she was ever conscious of it that she could never REALLY cross him or question him; never exhibit any kind of loyalty towards me. I stayed married to him, even though it has taken it’s toll on me, because I loved her and I knew that if I walked I would have no chances of repairing the damage done by this devious and clever covert narcissist would.

@Lioness_of_Gaia Жыл бұрын

Thank you, Jay. ✨️ 💙✨️

@MsGrinny Жыл бұрын

My father is the narcissist and my mother is one of his scapegoats. I am another. I saw my mother as bad when I was younger, despite her being better suited to parenthood because she always drank. It's only recently that it's dawned on me that her drinking was the only way she was able to escape my father's abuse. My father didn't/doesn't care either way. All he was and still is intent on doing is putting me down at every given opportunity, my mother as well (although it has become quite difficult for that now because my mother is now in a nursing home.) I have observed his clear changes in character when he's with other people, and it sickens me. Things he would normally hate he suddenly "loves", because of his desperate attempts to impress others, while he makes absolutely no effort to show any respect for me, despite my never having done anything wrong to him (as is the case for my mother.) My brother however couldn't put a foot wrong, regardless of what he does. He's perfect (according to my father.) I've tried gaining access to your E-Book, but have found it impossible. Is there any reason why this might be the case? I would like to read it, but can't. Is it supposed to be available internationally? I ask because I'm in Australia. It's rather frustrating, that's all.

@izawaniek2568 11 ай бұрын

Thank you for This extremely important message. Many children grow sceptical and afraid of the members of the sex the scapegoated parent represents. Narcisistic abuse enabled and not opposed in any way wreaks havoc in children’s lives and leads them to struggle immensly in their adulthood.

@druzilla6442 11 ай бұрын

I'm not sure if he was exactly scapegoated by her, but she seemed weirdly jealous of our bond as father/daughter. I'm adopted and it's true i didn't feel as attached to her as a parental figure, but then others would rather work on that, right? There was always my mother and older brother against me and my father. What hurt most was that he always made excuses for her behaviour towards me, it feels like no one ever put me first. When he got cancer I was sure he would be fine, although he was nearly 80 he had always been healthy and active. They found it late and there was only four awful months before he died, his decline was visible almost day to day. There is one episode from the last weeks that says a lot about their relationship. I was over there and went out for a walk with my father, he needed a walker since he had lost so much of his strength. We walked a couple of hundred meters, it was mostly for him to get some movement in. When we got back she asked where we walked and said in an annoyed tone "You didn't go longer!?". It was like I couldn't believe it, she's done a lot but this was too much.

@bindibud23 11 ай бұрын

My female narc parent scapegoated me and my father. I remember he would come in the kitchen and play his guitar while I was cleaning up. She would come in and sneer at him for what she called "serenading" me.

@pamwatkins4855 Жыл бұрын

Wow, you brought about genuinely good, thank you, for your recovery you bring, smiles,so appreciate this sound recovery

@poppysunshine5164 Жыл бұрын

Wow! You are really helping me, Dr Reid. Thank you.

@Temppuilua Жыл бұрын

We have a similar dynamic with my ex. He is addicted to cannabis, has no job, and has had multiple failed relationships after ours ended. I’ve been with a wonderful partner for 10 years soon, have a great career, and have my life together and on track. We have another child, a sister to my my firstborn. I've visited all of our kids concerts and school plays while my ex usual disappears on these. I was paying for every hobby, haircut and clothes alone until the court decided to have the ex pay up. Yet he is on a pedestal and I am made out to be the horrible one. (The reason I am bad is because I made the dad pay child support)😅 Now they are bonding over weed and I'm horrified.

@user-xn2wx1lh4u 11 ай бұрын

My mother was married twice. Both husbands were weak and no match for my mother. I think she intentionally married them so she could boss them around.

@user-yf9pe2pg2w 15 күн бұрын

Lol! Sorry but the wording was hilarious I totally get it! Living in the same nightmare what's worse is that my legally separated husband wouldn't pay rent so I had to separate a lso he is a huge narcissist lol great! So I didn't have a choice with our 4 year old daughter to move into the home we built couldn't afford all the bills alone so my.parents sold their house to.move in I didn't have anyone else so this is just a shitty situation that's got worse and I'm under their financial control if I leave I can't afford even a not that great house to rent or apartment I'd live anywhere than with them if I was alone but I can't just drag my child into the unknown with no where to go no money and of course a narcissist is gonna fight tooth and nail probably courts and cops whether they win anything or not just to not loss control and prevent my independence. My mother told me today cuz it took to long to go get coffee in not allowed to leave anymore or get coffee that I'm a liar smh I'm super trapped I'm trying everything but I can't even get my daughter alone most of the time to spin out

@nickh8773 10 ай бұрын

Jay you are so good at breaking these narc dynamics down and it is so enlightening to hear explanations for feelings that I would be seriously challenged to explain its very eye opening thank you

@ginadellgrottaglia6897 11 ай бұрын

Yes, my dad alienated my mom. It was a real danger to want to spend alone-time with her; the bread was clearly buttered with him. She was a whining pain, kinda histrionic, maybe narcissistic, with severe OCD which crippled all of us trying to live in the museum she made of our home. An artist and actress (until he forbade it), drop-dead gorgeous. A virtuous, if a tad self-righteous, woman. He had affairs with low-class tramps. Of course, I now know why. When all was said and done and he finally left, he said to me... this utter psychopath... "Yeah I made some mistakes. Your mother didn't know how to handle me." 😳 Freakin' lunatic. He was allergic to sesame seeds and I always used to tell her to put a bunch in his food. No one would've ever known. I don't wanna trigger anyone with details but... it was a bloody mess. Literally. Funny aside: When my bf died suddenly at age 41, she asked me if I... 🎉

@thecringeistoostrong 9 ай бұрын

my dad converted my family into being a abusive narc they all say im the problem and the reason they are narcs and at work i thought i could make friends because i have no friends but i was wrong everyone is a narc aswell too and they aswell narc abuse me there! i cant even heal the narc abuse keeps coming and never ending whatever i do or dont

@winter-qd4yw 10 ай бұрын

Mr. Reid, thank you do much for this video on a topic that is often not discussed! I am a scapegoated parent with 3 adult children who now all have children of their own. My children behave towards me much as their father did and I am worried about my grands. Have you, or could you, do a video regarding how this impacts the child’s behavior towards the scapegoated parent into adulthood? Thanks again!

@TheThiaminBlog 18 күн бұрын

Wow. Not so overt as your examples, but I surely recognize the patterns.

@imsunnybaby Жыл бұрын

i relate a lot to the case given. honestly i feel like bpd is over diagnosed in females to the detriment of males not getting the diagnosis and narcissism is over attributed to males to incorrectly not be detected in females...

@ginaiosef 11 ай бұрын

The parents who are not separating sooner or later but end up together are the same, one enabling the other, there is a least one reason for they remain together. Figure out the children's lives...

@shelleywilbur614 3 ай бұрын

Dr Reid, could you discuss the effects of Scapegoating when the narcissistic parent is a hidden or covert narcissist?

@psychicconsultant453 11 ай бұрын

I saw that in my parents

@irinamladenoska7539 2 ай бұрын

Any advise how to keep the good connection with the kids (I am a scapegoated parent)?

@cristinagonzalez6591 10 ай бұрын

My father scapegoated my mother and she in return scapegoated my father. Both were narcs and they scapegoated me. My elder sister was my principal abuser and at 19 yo I began with bipolar disorder. Jay, could you explain the relation between scapegoating and mental health. Thanks.

@JARARTVIDEO Жыл бұрын

Hi. I love your informative videos but the volume of your recordings is so low at times. Hard to hear with volume turned on max.

@Lioness_of_Gaia Жыл бұрын

It's loud at 1/2 volume, for me.

@alexjavovic6262 11 ай бұрын

I would rather born into a normal family as now to go away from my family and to survive to be workaholic qith chronic fatique. I hate people. I hate society. All are fake.

@Joelswinger34 11 ай бұрын

Yes, but the scapegoat parent can fight back, unlike a child.

@uplbdevcom 11 ай бұрын

As achild, my father was scapegoating my mother, my mother was scapegoating me / in my teens the strategy changed: they made an aliance to scapegoat me together …