It's not the pain of the narcissist that doesn't go away. It's the crimes they got away with it. The violations, the senseless cruelty. They are long, long gone but their crimes against you still exist inside. And for me that's the difficult part. Knowing someone did something heinous towards my person and got away with it.

One sign that I've broken my childhood trauma bonds: When I meet and recognize malignant narcissists I don't try to persevere, I don't argue, I don't submit, I don't suffer. I just leave.

“When you have an abnormal response to an abnormal situation, that’s normal. It’s reasonable for you to be bewildered.” That statement is very reassuring.

I deal with this by living alone, with strict boundaries. I love my peace and quiet. The people I welcome into my life are those I trust. No one else.

61 years old. It's finally gone. I have the upper hand. My weapon? Peace of mind. Love of self. Kind to me. Alone with my 🐈 friend.

Wow! "Pain is a natural byproduct of you being with a narcissist." This is one of those plain statements that is so striking.

Thank you for this channel. I was married to a classic narc for 15 yrs (together for 21 yrs - since I was 14), and I filed for divorce nearly 15 years ago. After that, he ran smear campaigns against me (still does after all these years), turned family against me, had tires slashed, brake lines on car cut, you name it. He then started making videos about me calling me violent. I haven't spoken to him since 2009, went no contact (and kept it that way), and never once defended myself against the smears, never got to tell my side of the story to these supposed "family and friends", and never once retaliated in any way. I have done nothing to this monster, yet he won't stop. He robbed me of everything in my life, including almost losing my sanity. He never paid child support when my kids were minors, and I never went after him for any of it, because I didn't want to poke the hornets nest. I just wanted, and still want, peace. To have him leave me alone. I have moved on with my life long ago, immediately getting into therapy, etc., but it still affects me to this day. I still have a "bad picker" when it comes to friends, etc. I JUST recently realized how my siblings and some friends are narcissists, so I obviously haven't learned how to spot narc abuse from others. I'm still a work in progress, and hope that I can one day find healthy relationships with people. If anyone out there is still with a narcissist, do yourself a big favor and please leave them as soon as you can. They will never change, but they'll surely make sure they change you. They will suck the life out of you if given the chance. Wishing everyone the very best on your healing journey! I hope you all get the happiness, joy, and peace that you deserve. 💞

As a child my grandmother ripped me from my home, wouldn't let me attend school, wouldn't let me go outside, emotionally tormented me every single day and told me it was all for my own good. I'm still dealing with all the hatred and sadness that comes from being robbed of a childhood from someone who's supposed to protect you. I'm just glad I understand things clearly now as an adult - but that doesn't mean the hatred isn't still there.

The best part about videos like these, and support groups as well, was finding out that my situation wasn't unique. Thank you Dr. C.

This man is doing God's work, God Bless!

So true, the pain never goes away. I often think of others who have had far worse than me, such as the survivors of Nazi concentration camps. How did they go on to have fulfilling lives? Well, I was watching a documentary on Auswiche survivors a couple years ago, and this old woman was asked that. She witnessed her children and family members executed, etc....we all know the atrocities of that time. She answered the question without hesitation, “Because you must take care of the living “. Whenever I am super down, I think of her response and snap out of it. There are wild birds to be rescued and fed, my own pets needing their needs met. The list goes on! I have come to understand that love is caring, and caring is doing. Everything else is just cheap sentimental twaddle.

It is so true - the pain, the hurt, the anger - it's all there and even when one knows and understands the behavior, it's difficult at times to not let it overwhelm one's psyche. Especially when it involves an elderly parent.

Dr. Carter, this video couldn't have come at a more perfect time. I just got out of the psych hospital--I was an inpatient there for almost a week--because I had just found out that the narcissist that I was with for two years (and broke up with only a few months ago) is a registered sex offender, rapist and pedophile. While we were together, he told me he went to jail for a DUI, which never made sense to me. So just a few weeks ago, something inside of me told me that I needed to get his court records to know the truth. I was in such shock that I didn't see the point in living in a world where evil like that exists. While I was in the hospital, I met several other women that were there because they had been victims of narcissists, too. All of their stories were different, but the themes were the exact same. I realized that I wasn't alone. And I'm slowly starting to understand that despite the evil in this world, I can appreciate the good by loving myself and tapping into my spirituality. Whether it was the universe or my intuition telling me to get those court records, it was the closure I needed to detach from him. I have a very active fight response and I still so badly want to get revenge on him, so I'm learning to channel that action urge into something good--I'm going to start going to a kickboxing class and volunteering at the women's shelter. Pain is a tough feeling to sit with but I hope that it will subside the more I take care of myself. Thank you for all that you do.

I’ve been free of my ex narcissist for a few years , started counselling well before I kicked him out and am finally starting to feel like my old self . The pain is still there but it’s getting easier as time goes on and I get further into my healing journey

These concepts are really encouraging to me, as someone dealing with the pain of loneliness in the aftermath of narcissistic relationships. Another concept I heard recently is that being alone is the absence of other people, while loneliness is the absence of purpose. If you've got purpose, you might feel lonely sometimes, but it doesn't get the upper hand on you.

Forgiveness, detachment , letting go , sharing compassion with good people like friends, are the keys to survive the narcissistic...

It's true. My mother never changed. She died at 75 yrs old & her behavior was even worse. At the end of her life she was like a bratty child and would throw a fit if she didn't get her way. She never acknowledged any of the horrible things she did or apologized.

At this point I’m not sure if my son is a narcissist like his father or if his wife is the narcissist and is controlling my son. Either way, when it’s your child that is causing you pain, it’s heart wrenching.

I HAVE A DIFFERENT PROBLEM. I don't have pain -- I have ANGER. I don't relate to healing - as that indicates a wound, an injury. I kicked narc butt from the start - but feel cheated of my dream of "Happily Ever after".

Thanks for this. Sometimes I fall into rumination over the evil some have done and I am often astonished at the level of cruelty another human being is capable of yet... the Word of God even tells us not to be astonished at that. The heart is wickedly deceptive, who can know it. I pray for everyone to draw closer to God because of their pain. Thank you Dr. Carter, God bless you and Gus!

"if you don't feel bewildered, there's something wrong with you". Exactly! I grew up in an abusive narcissistic family. Everybody was each others alibi. When one family member abused me, the others would swear up and down nothing happened. After I managed to get away, I was diagnosed with PTSD. So then my family were like, "see? That proves that you were the one with the mental problem all along!" But my argument was that my suffering from PTSD proves that I'm normal. No one could go through years and years of what I went through (physical, emotional and sexual abuse, plus my dad pulled a gun on me when I was 14 and in graphic detail explained to me how he could kill me, dispose of my body and get away with it) and come out the other end not suffering from something. Unless they were already completely bonkers to start with. - - Even after I managed to get away, and then my dad died of cancer, the pain and fear I live with is like a switch I can't turn off.

The hardest part for me is never really know that my covert narcissistic mother hated me, but aways gave me words of encouragement & told me that she loved me. It was only after she died that I found out she was stealing from me...realizing that she was the one that got me kicked out of the family just to hoover me back in after my dad died...and did everything in her power to sabotage me (a life long process). That I was indeed the scapegoat. These are the things that I just can't wrap my head around. I know other daughters have gone through this, but I just can't seem to get passed it. Why didn't I see it sooner? Having a hard time to forgive myself.

Thank you, Dr. C. I'm coming up on the 1-year anniversary of going no-contact with my Nmother. A lot of difficult feelings have been bubbling up in May because of mother's day and it's my birthday month. I'm celebrating the first birthday of my life free from all the pressures and drama from that side of the family.

I grew up with an alcoholic codependent father and a narcissistic mother. Trust me, DR C is on the money. All this time following him, he makes me think he's been following me. How he's spending his retirement years is priceless and the Lord smiles.

Just wanted to add. Your children are deeply affected by growing up in a narssistic home. Leaving the narssistic while your children are young is the very best way to lesson the effects of this horrible influences on your children's emotional well being.

It's not even so much about them, it's about the deceit. It's mind-blowing, and I just can't seem to get past all of the Gory details, that I am ruminating over. So hard to grasp that this person didn't/doesn't care in the least about me, and was only fulfilling their own needs. It's almost like they were a hologram, and didn't even really exist. Anger, frustration, and sadness are all part of the Wake these people leave behind, after they discard you. Much love and healing to all❤

Totally sure only 100% no contact is the solution , you can learn to deal with the pain from the past but continuing to allow more abuse is counter productive . They will NEVER change or improve .

Excellent topic, DrC!!! This is one i struggled with for a LONG time. I have learned that most of it is not suppose to disappear if we actually learned anything from it. We grieve the unsuccessful relationships like an actual death. When the grieving process is properly attended to, we grieve less and less as the pain tries to resurface until the pain is only there to remind us of what WAS and what actually IS. What was lies is now truth. What was chaos is now peace. What was an illusion is now reality. And so on. Accepting this for what it is can speed up the process but if not given the proper attention, the process could actually take even longer than necessary. Edited to add: When i learned to lean into the pain, i found power to understand it, validate it, and move on from it. There is so much freedom on the other side of processing the pain. Big hugs to those who are stuck in the pain part of the experience of narcissistic abuse. It’s sucks lemons. Determine to find that sugar and GO make yourself some of the sweetest lemonade! Then share that stuff with as many people as possible!!! Our world needs more people who have overcome pain properly

Needed to hear this. Still hurting post-narc. It will be a year next month. Can't seem to get over the sadness. Literally dying a slow, emotional death.

Howdy Les! I relate and agree with everything you said! I found that by not expecting approval from the narcissist and expecting them to apologize and get you, instead looking deep inside one's self for self approval most of the pain goes away! I really appreciate all your videos, they are soothing for the soul! Be well and all the best!

I went from extreme (codependent) love, to pure hatred, to indifference. There is healing on the other side of pain. If you make the decision to heal there’s one day you’ll wake up and be healed, granted there may be a scar or scab left over, but that’s life. Take whatever lesson you will from it. Getting knowledge WITHOUT understanding will keep you stuck. Today I slightly pity narcissists that have been in my life, but I don’t love nor hate them. They can’t infect me anymore because I’m vibrating on a different plane. God bless everyone ♥️ Edit: Rewatching this multiple times. There’s major take aways I need to absorb 📝 thanks for putting the info out here 🎯

My wife and myself have come to the point, with our narcissistic son-in-law, that we must preserve and protect our self-respect. We do not have to be around his distain and derision. This is not at all easy for us, because he is the father of two of our grandchildren. We very much want to have contact with our grandchildren, but it appears to not be feasible at all.

Needed this reminder today. I’ve felt on the verge of collapse for awhile… but I keep holding on and going through all the motions & taking steps to heal… I just get frustrated when it doesn’t happen as quickly as I’d like 😵‍💫

I am anxiously awaiting this video. It's taking all my strength to overcome the narcissist's treatment of emotional abuse and isolation. This current silence is a mixture of heaven and heartbreak. Yikes. I hope to get some answers. Onward.

I am indeed haunted by the cruelty and damage he did to me years ago. He cut me off at the knees financially and in terms of life advancement. I’m on the back foot now but away from him not just geographically, emotionally but I’m limping through life as a consequence of my entanglement with this ogre rather than leaping rather like him I suppose. I just want to stop going over in my mind the losses every morning on waking. It stalks me, sadly.

Well into the healing side of being used by multiple narcissistic relatives (married into narcissism) I admit feeling lonely and isolated within the family. I am not doubting my choice to be healthy. Best healthcare decisions I have ever made. Just Lonely. Your words have challenged me… keep going and praying for inner peace. Building some new healthy relationship. I have a sweet Bible Study Group. Love these ladies. They are my nine blessings.

This talk was so invaluable. I am so grateful to you for validating the pain of this mental, verbal and physical abuse. I am two years out of an ongoing relationship and trying hard to focus on people who value me just as I am. People who have apparently never been vulnerable to this kind of abuse just don't understand. Thanks so much Dr Carter, I needed this one!

I agree that the pain and lessons of being in a narcissistic relationship will ever be fully gone since the abuse is so profoundly mind altering and cruel. But as I struggle to figure out recovery and healing 9 months after the discard, I keep coming back to "expectations". My biggest sense of loss is related to the expectations he raised during the lovebombing and which he kept tending with hints, and then taunts. So in my pain I realize that I still want the things he future faked me with, just not with him. So when we engage with these distorted people we have to manage our expectations of them. They reappear to Hoover you, you can't expect them to change, apologize sincerely, or that anything would be different. They'll claim it will be, exoect the same. So as we heal there won't be the satisfaction of seeing them recieve "karma" guaranteed, so no point expecting or demanding it. Healing is hard and I don't have it figured out, but I don't expect the friendly "arm of support" that Dr Les speaks of because I was so efficiently isolated by the Narcissist, plus covid, there isn't anyone around. So manage expectations and there us less pain.

I appreciate this balanced encouragement to use my pain for good. It was a huge comfort when I first learned that many people have survived and thrived after the same trouble I've experienced. We are not alone.

Oh my gosh- this is so accurate - had me in tears- after DECADES of abuse from a narcissistic sister who was four years my senior and my only sibling- wow- just wow- thank you for this video- never was able to have a relationship with my parents because of it- have had no contact with her now for two years- since my mother’s death- freeing and heartbreaking simultaneously 💔

I got out 2 years ago this coming Memorial Day weekend. As a result of standing up and taking no more, I have lost my 8 children (all still minors), my parents, other friends, my reputation was dragged through the mud, and much more. The grief and pain has been a lot to deal with but through it all I'm learning lessons that I probably wouldn't learn any other way. I'm getting to learn who I am, how to relate to others in fulfilling relationships, how to live the best life I can in spite of what has happened. I'm going to school in the fall to get my MSW so that I can help advocate for others who are going through these horrible situations. This has been very hard, but I hope that through it all my children will one day have the permission to break free from the cycle of violence and the cycle of trauma that tends to repeat from generation to generation. I am seeking healing so that when that time comes for them, I will be able to help them in their experience. Sometimes the lemons are really sour, but add enough sugar, and the lemonade is really good! I appreciate your willingness to reach out to us Dr. C and look forward to being able to take some of your coursework in the future.

It put me on the path of healing my childhood and having more respect for myself. That's what I got out of it and being aware of these individuals and their tactics. Keeping them out of your life

I once questioned the narcissist as to"why"( first rule of " Narcissist club"- never ask" why") they are intentionally so dismissive devalueing and hurtful to me(covertly of course so no one outside the home sees it)....his response: " Because you tell me the truth about myself"........ Horrible individuals

This is the redeeming quality of being a victim. It allows you to comfort others in pain. Pain can not be avoided in this world. There are too many variables that cause pain. I've noticed that people who are living with chronic physical pain are the most compassionate people. I guess victims are constant empathizer's as their first impressions of others is whether or not others are struggling in some way. They pick up on it and knowing pain so personally they don't want others to feel agony or suffering. An unhealthy minded person would get something out of others feeling misery -as in misery loves company. You don't want to let your pain ruin the rewarding parts of being compassionate. Pain can make you bitter and resentful towards people who have nothing to do with your situation , we don't want to broaden the works of a narcicisst by passing it on. There is a rewarding feeling to be able to comfort someone genuinely. We have been through an entanglement with "satan". There is still joy to be found despite their attempts to imprison you in misery.

Although we feel pain we can use it to our advantage and grow into more experienced individuals. We can turn that hurt into gain.

The pain and sense of being destroyed emotionally, sexually, and financially is so often overwhelming, but in many ways the worst thing is feeling so ashamed that I let all those things happen. That I opened myself completely to something false and callous. It's this shame that's so corrosive. And that shame is exacerbated by the judgment of friends, and former friends. Thank you for your kindness and honesty.

They try to shrink people they feel threatened by into being the same The pain and the injustices don't just disappear after the abuse stops Their energy actually made me physically ill as well as having effects on my psyche I turned to people I thought were friends and relatives for help They turned out to be enablers

I think many people realize they aren’t the only ones to be hurt by people. Unfortunately when you go through life sometimes your education didn’t only come from school, but from really hurtful nasty people you just happen to be in the wrong place @ the wrong time. Or they preyed on you. But your pain is your own & how to deal with it is the hard part.

Oh my goodness. I shed a tear of gratitude when you said true friends will come and place an arm of encouragement around you.

That was absolutely brilliant - thank you Dr C. I’m seven years out of a destructive marriage to a narcissist, along with the realisation of what a relative has done for decades to humiliate and alienate people in the family, causing a devastating rift. The dreadful pain, feeling like I’m holding onto life by my fingernails, has dissipated; however I still feel overwhelmed at times by sadness at what has happened and frustration with my younger self for not recognizing the dynamic earlier (I completely understand it now of course, through the education I have received from you). Maintaining my integrity, “soldiering on”, has been so hard as I’ve built myself up again, and I so very much resonate with using the empathy we survivors have … to be there for others and to give them love and support, because we deeply understand. Thank you so much Dr C for focusing on this aspect of narcissistic abuse, I agree with others who post here that it’s something we dearly want addressed. What you have said today has given me yet another boost. I am so grateful to you for the education and support you have provided here that has kept me moving forward during the last seven years. 🙏🏼🌻

I had gotten so used to being mistreated, undervalued and abused throughout my life over and over again that I started dwelling in feeling "a victim" and it's taken me a long time and I'm still working every day not only to overcome the mental, spiritual, emotional & physical damage but to wake up and see that although I may have been victimized over and over throughout life, that I am NOT a victim. Coming to this realization, I am starting to laugh again and enjoy the little things in life and have so much more appreciation, respect and love for myself, thus I am willing to have the idea of having some type of healthy relationship with others. I am still working on trusting other people again and that's also been a huge struggle for me so I've been very closed off.. but at least I'm allowing myself to THINK about it. Any advice?

The world doesn't owe us anything! We live in a broken world! So true! Thank you Dr. C!!

Thank you for the suggestions for turning this pain into something positive. Married for 47 years to a narc ,so the first positive is to get him out of the house. Not easy because he feels so entitled he will not take no for an answer, however you give me strength to keep fighting . I know there is peace at the end which keeps me going. Thank Dr. C for the uplifting words.

Thank you so much for sharing these videos. I honestly cannot afford therapy... And it makes a difference to have what I have experienced be acknowledged. And I believe you do so with a heartfelt perspective, but also confronting the "victim"s need to be accountable for changing how they view things to get on a better track of thinking too. It's easy to agree with logically in the moment, but takes time to internalize and heal.

When I think back on the three years I dated a soc-narc on and off, it was such a painful experience! Definitely trauma. The problem is that they don’t get better. They actually learn how to manipulate and hurt you more. I pray I will stay free from him. It can escalate and become dangerous.

What causes me the most pain is that he is telling people that he is the victim. He says that the things he said to me was what he actually said to me. He is pretending that he had empathy and that I was the bully. He knew every trigger and kept those wounds open. I had to record hours of his rage, denying, name calling, blaming me, projections, and manipulation. That is the most frustrating piece of the trauma for me. Of course, he is so charming on the surface. I had empathy and didn't tell anyone what was going on. He was telling people that my behavior was what he was doing and I didn't know it till people started acting dismissive towards me. When I asked him why he thought people were acting differently towards me...he said I was imagining it. I totally woke up an knew better. I left him after 27 years. Basically he stole my character. It is sick and demented!

The pain never goes away

I've been alienated from everyone. He an upstanding citizen in this town. He got my son so drunk then lied about what he did whilst drunk to drive him to suicide and brand me a terrible parent. Your videos are helping my anger subside and I thank you very much

My narcissistic husband of 44 years has been for 12 yrs. now. This past week i came across videos from you and Dr. Romani (?). I feel like I've run over by a semi. The knowledge and enlightment has broken a dam inside me. All the "bad" memories are back. I want to put this all behind me, but its hard. I want to have my say to him. And i want to apologize to 2 family members that he also abused and I was too weak and traumatized to stand up and defend them. And they are also dead now. Too long a story to tell. My Faith is sustaining me. I speak to God every, and pray for peace, and letting go. Dont know why this all came up now. Maybe because I have never really confronted and dealt with it. My Faith requires forgiveness, but dont think I can, even after all this time. Thank You.

The PHYSICAL abuse from narcissists, and it’s long term impact, is too often ignored or glossed over. I could have overcome the emotional component long ago, but the ongoing physical injuries caused by my family of origin and former fiancé keep me trapped in rumination, and severely limit my ability to work and have a social life. The long term effects of narcissistic abuse can include permanent physical disability. It’s a rather privileged position when someone claims the emotional scars last longer than the bruises. That is not always the case.

I could never get my ex to understand the value of creating "win-win" scenarios. I was repeatedly accused of not being a team player by a person who only wanted to be King.

that is exactly how my mom treated me. I have little if any self confidence and I have the feeling that if someone wants to be an honest partner with me, than something is wrong. My mother enjoyed telling that I could never do. When I did do something that she said that I could not do that that actually embarrased her. She cared to listen to what I had to say and she never wanted to listen to my feelings. When a close friend of mine wanted me to be his partner, I never wanted to talk with him about my feelings since I was thinking that if your own parents never really cared to listen to you, then why would anyone else want to talk with you about your feelings. I have missed out on what could have been a great relationship. I am so thankful that at least I had Jorge in my life for approximately 14 years before he passed away unexepectedly.

Narcissim is like mold....it keeps coming back worse and worse

Excellent advice, take ownership of the pain, yes it is difficult, memories perceived love and trust. One of the better videos I've watched. 22 years of a covert narcissist. Had a line in the sand that I wouldn't cross, they knew it and finally gave up. There smear campaign is in tatters and I'm now ambivilant to there future. Five months out. Left Christmas eve, against my wishes, with a blanket, a bag of clothes and a box of heart tablets. Had a major heart attack nine months before, only fifty years of age. My mistake was to ask for help afterwards. The narcissist panicked, blew hot and cold until I accused them of coercive control. That really unmasked them. But you know what, I'm happy sitting here in my home I built, she abandoned it 2 months ago to get new supply, couldn't have the neighbours talking. And yes shortly afterwards they broke in, stole my appliances, smashed up my stuff, stole other furniture and then sold it on face book that evening. Left me with nothing. But I'm still happy, take care people, you will make it. Love and respect to anyone ruminating or feeling bad tonight, your good people. Shaun, Donegal, Ireland 🇮🇪👍

Thank you for the reminder, many actually lose their limbs, loved ones, lives as a result of harm from narcissists and psychopaths - I read an account of a victim losing the use of her legs after being pushed down the stairs by her abuser - so all of us here are in many ways fortunate. However, the pain is etched into our memory. My own very imperfect method is to force my brain to erase painful memories, eg I cannot remember the date of my father's passing away. I fell into a very dark depression after his death, with a lot of unfinished business, my absence, guilt and sadness that he suffered terribly from his NPD spouse, and that was my method out of it. This is what I do now - whenever memories of abuse returns, I become aware and quickly turn to other pursuits, a movie, reading, going out, etc. to avoid those memories. It is a very flawed method as I erased chunks of memories, but it honestly works and I don't have to take anything chemical to numb the pain.

It is a broken life. The pain just don't go away. It is good to hear your words. Please , say hello to Gus.

Oddly, I am out of it several years now, it changed me, and in some ways for the better. I found out evil ppl are out there, and what my own mother tried so hard to teach my with her words, “Trust should be Earned, not just given!” Boy have I got it now, Amen to my wise Mom, amen.

Id like to hear you speak about Empaths & narcissism. I've had the experience that many of my relationships ended up narcissistic. Friendships,jobs,family. I am now aware enough & spent 12 yrs examining myself & healing. I had to except MY part in the reasons & accept responsibility. It IS called boundries & SELF LOVE.

Yes - "I refuse to collapse. Yes, this is a broken world. But, there's also good in this world." It gets harder and harder to not collapse, though. The tragedy is when innocent children suffer.

And that is one of the worst aspects of dealing with a narcissist. Having to act in ways I'm not happy with, react in ways that make me feel less than. It's not always easy for me to rise above a situation. I guess I must take solace in knowing that I can move on and that I am not defined by one person's poor regard of me.

I found out about the timeframe and the effects from nuclear radiation. Fifty minutes after the blast, that much exposure to fresh radiation is LETHAL. Ok, a few SECONDS of my adult narcissistic, psychotic daughter nearly killed me My actual LIFE was touch and go for FIVE weeks. Emotional and mental abuse is REAL.

I deeply feel everything you’ve said, Dr C. I have been experiencing a higher vibration of life since I have been freed from years and years of “trying to get the narc’s love.” Love and compassion are everything- and are in me! ❤️🙏🏼 as ever

Great info dr c. The first step to recovering from anything is that you must first identify the root of the problem. As dr c said we have no control over other people but we do have control over ourselves. Emotional pain is unlike physical pain in that it never completely goes away, it is something we have to learn to live with. As dr c also said, we are not alone in the things we have experienced in life. I use the word "we" because many of us here share the same struggles in our recovery from a very common source. Until i stumbled across this channel i felt very much alone and felt like i was in the minority, especially being a man. I have gained strength through seeing i am not the only man in this world to fall victim to a woman's physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. Here we can share our experience, strength, and hope with each other. Now some of you may think this sounds familiar, well it is if you ever attended any 12 step support group. If there is any disease that ends with -ISM then the 12 steps can be applied to your situation, whether you are the one with the -ISM, or the person on the receiving end. Do not get discouraged as you make your way through the recovery process, there will be both times of great relief and times of setback. Over time things will begin to even out. For me i have been conditioned by a narc for 23 years and as such the recovery from it will not be a overnight process. For me i am just now starting to get to the point where i no longer chose to be defined by my pain but rather be defined by the lessons i learned from what caused and allowed the pain to be in my life. As much as i would like to have a woman to share the next phase of my life with i realize i am not emotionally ready yet. I did rebell when i first escaped my narc and hooked up with a few women just to see if other woman found any attraction to me but unlike in my youth, there was not the same pleasure in just the physical aspect of having sex, i found i had matured and that what i am after is not physical but emotional. Perhaps that is one of the things that sets us apart from narcs, we have matured while they still sit in their emotional infancy. One of the best things i have found besides having much in common with others here in team healthy is that many of the thoughts and views i have had have been spot on for so many years but had been stifled by self-doubt. Believe it or not most people have the answer to their own questions and never realized it. It simply takes having someone to listen to them and ask the same question to them, basically to act as a mirror to them.

I quit my job because of a narcissist co-worker. She had spun quite the tangled web with the other crew members, its amazing to me how my integrity and dignity was destroyed by her and the other crew members believed her, that hurts.

I walked away from a relationship with a narc completely broken. One day out of the blue he knocked on my door to tell me he was getting married to a sweet beautiful woman who was the dean of a college. He told me she gave him something I never would, threesomes. I slammed the door in his face. A few years later I heard she had passed away from cancer. Who knows what she went through with him. He was the worst narcissistic person I've ever met, and I grew up with them around, just evil. I didn't know what I was dealing with then but it's amazing how they all have the same MO. These videos have helped me so much. Thank you.

I thought I was alone. Thanks to Dr C we all have some support in community and that helps to understand and heal. :)

25 years later and still pissed off.

There's deep sadness that the relationship wasn't what you thought it was. And the final acceptance of it is what it is. Edit: this definitely helped me put my pain in perspective!

Pain is a natural byproduct of you being with a narcissist. Deep and oh so true. Started therapy today to find myself again. The happy me.

Wow! This one really hit the mark in my situation. Meny years of narcissistic abuse by my older brothers social scripting, left me devastated. The emotional pain left by him had me confused and hurting for years. Now, years later I see him going through narcissistic collapse. If only he was a source of love, instead of a source of riveley. Thank you Dr. C. for your video shows. You helped me a lot.

At 50, the pain continues and never stops. 😔

I cope with the horrendous things that the ex husband Narcissist did to me behind the scenes for 32 years...by trying real hard not to think about him at all. I keep a strict no contact regimen. And I decided about year ago after 4 years of no contact and ruminating over the bad that I was going to start really pushing him out of my mind and do the things that make me happy. That's the best revenge. Plus God takes care of those that hurt his children. I accept. Yes. It happened but now I must move forward in a healthy way. Thank you Dr. Carter for team Healthy.🤗😊

Dr Carter your videos have helped me so very very much! I listen daily to you. I’ve been dealing with hurt and pain from my grown daughter of 32. I can now understand what’s been going on for 20 years. I look back and understand now her hurtful temper, lost of every close friendship and now her treating me as enemy number one and excluding my husband and I from our grandchild and son in law. I am now ready to let go of her. I know no amount of reasoning pleading or explaining myself will help. God has been my refuge and strength and he has used YOU to grow me so very much in wisdom and truth of this awful condition. It is a broken world and none of us are guaranteed we will not suffer. What are doing is a major blessing to so many I thank you ❤

This was so touching to hear today. Sometimes the injustice can make you bitter, cynical and untrusting because it is often a person's trusting nature that gets them into these horrible relationships with narcissist's. When you finally realize that you are being taken, used and abused it leaves you feeling like a fool, especially if it happens more than once. But, let's face it, there are a lot of narcissists in the world. Chances are you might get entangled more than once in a lifetime. What's important to remember is that you are not alone. Also, time does heal all wounds and hopefully time wounds all heel's. I am personally having a horrible time with a couple that I have bought some property from. The woman involved is a very overpowering narcissist. She treats her common law partner very poorly and he has lost all ability to stand up for himself. She is going to get him into some very hot water if she doesn't back up. I have documented all the defamatory emails and face book posts and she has completely outed herself in an attempt to damage my reputation and standing in this small community. If I am forced to sue them they may not recover financially and I will also sue for defamation. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I have gone no contact and let my lawyer deal with things. This has gone for too long now and she can't stop her hurtful posts, not just about me but also about my business and she has even, recently, brought up my relationship with my wonderful son, that was very hurtful to both of us, she doesn't even know my son. The line has been crossed and I must stand up for myself. Dr C, thank you for reminding me today that every day someone is going through even worse situations. At least my son is grown and I am not fighting for custody or anything like that. So, I am going to muster my strength, my calmness and my support from "team healthy" and try to get past this bump in the road of life.

I need this too.a terrible anxiety lately. I had to step back from my mother and 2 sisters, now the entire family are up against me. All I’ve done is be myself, done up I guess too many times that got me punished and I had enough of their fake lives. Now it’s interfering with the rest of the family ( aunts cousins) I feel I can trust anyone. Is it me? Or are must people fake!??

Yes, use your pain and your experience with narcissistic victimization to allow you to focus in on the person you want to be in life. You now see what is truly important. Hone yourself, similar to the way your narc wanted to improve you...but on YOUR terms, NOT theirs. Become a shining example of the best "you" there is--a version of yourself that could have only emerged through the forging process of the trauma and abuse you endured. Your narc tried to break you, yet here you are now stronger and better than ever!

Every single word. I'm all of this. Dr. described me to a tee. I'm sickened how much that monster robbed from me. Never would I ever imagined that such cruelty existed, and then to marry him.... it was nothing short of hell.

My father has been diagnosed with NPD. My sister took her life because of him, and I have been diagnosed with PTSD. His errant behavior never stops, no matter what the consequence, and he criticizes everyone and never takes responsibility for his actions. His main issue is anything for money. He’s an alcoholic and clinically depressed as well. I am very much looking forward to the day where I do not have to worry about him anymore. He is now 92, and in I’ll health.

I can challenge myself to still have integrity despite the pain.

Sometimes a caring friend will give you a much needed hug & help one.

The lack of justice! The post below this one is right. I fear the more they get away with the more dangerous they become…

There are truly good ones still out in our world! I actually had my sis( sis in law), on a 3 way call with my counselor to make sure I didn’t forget, or leave anything out I’ve been dealing with, and I’ve been hit with a few situations of “ control manipulation, no one would see this coming”. I’ve been out of the hospital for 3 wks. & of all time, those ones knew when to literally attack me on emotional on many levels. Good caring ones don’t do this! Have I ever cut those evil ones out!! They also upset I’ve set my goals to get through these health challenges, they want me to sink! Well, they gave me another to swim, which I needed!

Narcissists are psychological torturers.

So, I do have a unique situation. My mom is a narcissist, which isn’t unique. But my mother-in-law is as well. She adopted children with special needs (as to why- this a whole other story). Anyway, one child in particular had violent and scary outbursts which brought great fear to my children. We stayed around them for families sake but I had to watch each meeting carefully and riddled with anxiety because my MIL denied these things even happened so she would never watch over her child to ensure no harm was happening. Eventually we cut ties- they told us they we’re coming to visit after we moved out of state (didn’t ask us if it was a good time- they just were coming ready or not). We held our boundary and said this wouldn’t work because of the safety of our children and wow- things got crazy! My husband was cut out of the will, but she tries to sneak back in by sending gifts or texts or something. There are more dynamics at play- but I have been portrayed to others by my in-laws as someone who hates people with disabilities because I don’t want their young adult child to attack my children. They blame me, not their own son- they think I’ve poisoned his mind. They also asked me to have our son pretend not to know how to do things in order to allow their special needs son to teach him things (such as how to play a video game our son is expert level at). We have gone no contact but I still carry so much guilt over these broken relationships. I’m posting this because you said nobody’s situation is entirely unique but I have searched for someone with a similar dynamic and have yet to find one- so If you’re out there- let’s talk!

Mine was short lived ….2 years but it’s feeling like a long recovery. It’s realizing who I was really with and all the lies, deceit, anger, manipulation and knowing the relationship wasn’t “real”. I am getting therapy but it’s tough.

Yes, it is truly comforting to know there are others out there who have lost their children and grandchildren due to one narcissist that effected the others. The pain will empower you to learn to love in such a greater way.

How I feel about the people that stole, infiltrated, and now run the media, banks, religion, education etc. and it is also the same small group my closest family member married into. So narcissistic and cruel it’s nauseating and I think they created a lot of narcissists just like themselves. It’s so difficult to experience and witness on so many levels including personal with my family member and high rent, fiat currency usery inflation, land grabbing, loans, planned fake wars, etc. Going to a briss that I found out cost 100k while struggling to pay rent and buy food and many other things caused me to not help but question or correlate it. That and that the briss is child mutilation which has been proven to cause problems like narcissism too.

THEY MADE ME FEEL I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH, AND ITS INGRAINED!

One does remember how easily we fell trapped in the spiders web, yet there is a great compensation feeling to have become released from the beast's claws.

Since I have a lifetime of Narciicists starting with my mother, my first marriage my comfort, my second marriage of 37 years still didn't even know of the term narcissists. I didn't know what I didn't know. Thank you for all your help. So far have chosen to learn and use your techniques, alanons techniques, and a wonderful loving God who helps me day by day to get thru. Distancing, working on myself, choosing different friends and keeping busy am a survivor of daily attacks by forgiving at the moment and doing the next best thing. I love you all.