WHEN TOXIC FAMILY TEAR YOU DOWN: SURVIVING THE REALITY OF IMMATURITY

Рет қаралды 3,450

Күн бұрын

Toxic family dynamics don't always include clearly identified negative behaviors.
It's hard to see when a family needs help.
But when you repeatedly treated harshly and feel left out, minimized, ignored, hurt or betrayed, envied, disliked, etc. you may find yourself questioning if something is wrong with your parent or extended family.
In secret cases of disordered family behavior, the truth may never become known. That means you may suffer for years without fully understanding what is wrong with your family.
In this live chat, I discuss the psychology of infantilization (being treated like a child) by a "disordered" parent and the wrongful behaviors that can leave you feeling stuck.
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#trauma #tamarahilllpc #TOXICFAMILY
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DISCUSSED IN THIS CHAT:
0:00 Intro
4:30 infantilization and control
5:47 internalizing of messages
8:45 parentification
13:14 narcissistic infantilization
22:25 "you lose who you are"
24:22 WHAT HAPPENS IN INFANTILIZATION (treated like a child)
36:38 learned helplessness
45:28 HOW THIS TREATMENT BREAKS YOU
*discussion in-between content
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Mentioned In The Live Chat (research & further information):
1. Intergenerational Risk of Parentification and Infantilization to Externalizing Moderated by Child Temperament
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/arti...
2. Parenting Characteristics and Callous-Unemotional Traits in Children Aged 0-6 Years: A Systematic Narrative Review
link.springer.com/article/10....
3. Heritable and non-heritable pathways to early callous-unemotional behaviors
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/arti...
4. Heritable and Nonheritable Pathways to Early
Callous-Unemotional Behaviors
ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi/...
5. The Heritability of Callous and Unemotional Traits
www.psychologytoday.com/us/bl...
6. Mommy Dearest movie • Mommie Dearest
7. Scharp K. M., Hall E. D. (2017). Family marginalization, alienation, and estrangement: Questioning the nonvoluntary status of family relationships. Annals of the International Communication Association, 41(1), 28-45. doi.org/10.1080/23808985.2017...
8. Agllias, K. (2016). Disconnection and decision-making: Adult children explain their reasons for estranging from parents. Australian Social Work, 69(1), 92-104.
9. Hank, K., & Steinbach, A. (2023). Sibling estrangement in adulthood. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 40(4), 1277-1287. doi.org/10.1177/0265407522112...
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DISCLAIMER:
*Videos are provided for exploration and educational purposes only and does not constitute clinical suggestions or consultation for individual cases.
If you or someone you know is having a medical emergency involving harm to self, please reach out to the suicide prevention hotline suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.
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----Contact me-------(BUSINESS INQUIRIES ONLY)
I'm Támara, a licensed and internationally/Board certified trauma mental health therapist, with over 15 years experience. I specialize in helping children, teens, and families with mental illness. I also treat psychological/emotional trauma in children, teens, and adults.
If you'd like to contact me or inquire about my international consultations, you may email me at contact@anchoredinknowledge.com. *Please note: all consultations are charged a fixed rate fee based on the case content.
Mail me stuff!
PO BOX 15747
Robinson Township, PA 15244
*FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA:
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Website - www.anchoredinknowledge.com
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Пікірлер: 61

@sarahcouture24 24 күн бұрын

You just described my family and the way they treat me. It's like they view me as a subhuman with less rights than the rest of the family.

@TherapistTamaraHill 23 күн бұрын

I'm sorry 😔 Never easy to deal with.

@Pukeyray 20 күн бұрын

Great comment and I can relate. If I may recommend a KZfaq video on that? "Ross Rosenberg - You Are Not Subhuman"

@BAsed_AFro 24 күн бұрын

Unwilling to put in the effort required to build genuine self esteem (by doing the basics, like meditation/prayer, eating right, getting exercise, pursuing goals/hobbies, daily affirmations, etc)… malignant NPD's gain their sense of self worth by crushing/collapsing the self worth of others.

@fifilafleur5555 24 күн бұрын

This is all very triggering. I’m just furious at all the harm these monsters **intentionally** caused. I can’t help but wonder what kind of life I might have had were it not for my sick parents… 2 sick stepmothers… and sick extended family who took part in the abuse and supported the abusers. I’m absolutely furious. Thank you, Dr Tamara for explaining all of this. It sure hits home. 😡😢😢😢😡 I’m in therapy with a good therapist who understands narcissistic abuse to some extent. The first therapist I’ve ever had who actually “gets it.” I’ve had many over the years and not one of them understood what these types of parents & families do to harm the family scapegoat (the one who sees just how toxic the family is). The abuse I suffered was severe enough some family members could have done time in jail… or even prison. It makes me sick how they covered their tracks and made me the evil sick one… while all their supporters go along with demonizing me. I was a little girl when my dad molested me. His third wife said I “wanted it.” She is a vile evil woman. They are all thick as thieves and stick together. Many of these sick individuals attend church and consider themselves “good Christians” too. 😢😢😢😢

@TherapistTamaraHill 24 күн бұрын

I'm so sorry😔 I really need to start posting disclaimers that the content is tough to digest. It is. It's "stripping" to some people because it seems like a topic that can be handled until you start pulling apart what's happened to you. I'm so sorry you have gone through this. But I'm really happy you have a good therapist! That means so much. It's healing when you have a close confidant to walk with you.

@mindovermatter8920 23 күн бұрын

Same here! My grandmother and mother behaved the same way, however my mother was overt and my grandmother covert. Me and my aunt knew there was something wrong, but we could never quite put our finger on what. After my aunt passed away 5 years ago, I couldn't survive in the family without her, so I eventually went no contact. Now that I have learned from these videos what it was, I wish I could call my aunt and tell her I've figured it out!! I am so grateful for the professionals who have provided these videos and pulled us out of the darkness and into the light.

@fifilafleur5555 23 күн бұрын

@@mindovermatter8920, 🙏🏻🩵🙏🏻

@dnk4559 21 күн бұрын

I’m so sorry. And I believe you. I hope you are safe away from them now.

@fairygurl9269 24 күн бұрын

Here's to Growth 🤗

@lorrainedevlin6409 22 күн бұрын

My narcissistic mother threw me out of the house on night in the middle of the night for just disagreeing with her opinion.i bought a bottle of wine for us after working all week. I wanted up to have a daughter mother Friday night,when the conversation got to something I choose to have my own opinion about,she then got up in anger and told me to get out. I was glad I had my own flat to go to.I should never have given her the right to come up and visit me at my flat anymore after that.

@tashawaters89 23 күн бұрын

Thank you. :) The rat study is interesting and reminds me of the circus elephant metaphor! ( I didn't ask for a phone but I was given one, and I'm still on a family plan. I don't have normal life skills because I was told to depend on Dad for everything. I've never leased a car or whatever because he would always buy one cheap so I wouldn't have to pay the high interest rates. While I was growing up, he told me that I wouldn't have to pay taxes if I made less than $5k/year. It's very confusing but you're right it's about putting me down so he can inflate his ego, and so he can continue negative family patterns! It's hard when infantilization meets parentification, and the adult child has to be the bigger person than their immature parent, but maybe that's what growing up is all about. )

@sh6460 17 күн бұрын

mabe he NEEDS you to depend on him so He feels competent.

@user-fl3rc6nv4x 24 күн бұрын

Wow this is my family totally. This helps a lot in understanding why I am so mistreated. Carol. 😅

@TherapistTamaraHill 24 күн бұрын

I'm sorry 😔 And yet, I'm glad you are able to see that this is a family dynamic. A family problem. A systemic problem.

@fifilafleur5555 24 күн бұрын

My dad & his family love doing the narcissistic infantilization to me. His wife especially. 😡😡😡

@kiv_daniels 20 күн бұрын

@@fifilafleur5555 His wife must be just like my Aunt. I always feel she’s just like the evil stepmother, mean to your face but nice in public so people think you’re lying when you don’t want to be around her.

@jamesMcdonald-m7z 24 күн бұрын

Im sorry to have missed several of your Livestreams Tamara( i live in the UK so its a bit-late for me) But i unfortunately lost out on so many productive years to controlling and critical family members who never really had my best interests at heart, these years of wasted time and energy i will regretfully never get back and to which iam still healing from to this very day(But hey we live and learn i guess)Thankfully Today all that time energy and focus will be directed on my own personal recovery from all the trauma i have endured because of toxic family members, at least each and every-single day is a step in the right direction, to heal, to love, to reinvent ourselves, and to become the very people god&the most high intended for us and created us to be 🙏🙏

@lorrainedevlin6409 22 күн бұрын

These people are determined to be seen as intelligent and sensible,its crazy making the things narcs will do for recognition and attention. Yes you are told you are nothing,you will never get anywhere at School,in life you are not even half as valuable as your narc mother. Thats what they do. Their goal is to beat you dowm psychologically,emotionally and self confidence and self value goes out the window. I grew up not being able to stand up for myself,verbally in certain situations,because of what I went through. I had to learn the hard way,how to do that by myself,that was hard.

@lakeshadouglas5498 24 күн бұрын

Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge. I really do appreciate you. 🌹 ❤

@TherapistTamaraHill 24 күн бұрын

❤🤗You're welcome and thank you so much for that! I'm really glad this is helpful to you.

@lakeshadouglas5498 24 күн бұрын

@@TherapistTamaraHill You're welcome and very helpful indeed😇❤

@Jay-mc1fn 23 күн бұрын

Thank you for this education. I see this alot in 9-5s and from my toxic abusive family.

@TherapistTamaraHill 23 күн бұрын

You're welcome!! And I'm sorry you have had to deal with this. Never easy to do.

@TheRetroWoman80 22 күн бұрын

Another great one, Dr. Tamara. These "psychology of" video series really helps me understand what I was dealing with my relatives growing up. I might not have been infantilized, necessarily, but other overlapping harmful behaviors I did witness messed me up mentally and emotionally for a long time. But growth and self love evolution is beautiful thing😊

@H-youtube7 24 күн бұрын

I like the description of having to 'take down a reality', that is actually what you have to do sometimes to see clearly, objectively. Families like this have been operating in a set unconscious way for a really long time and will resist change that threatens that. 'Standing up to them' is pretty fruitless and sounds like you're below them, not the case. We can grow in maturity regardless of whether they do or whether they consciously or unconsciously try to prevent that.

@silentwalk1768 24 күн бұрын

Thanks Tamara for taking the time for us experiencing this firsthand 4 years on now family kids and wife formed a coalition against me you are right the immaturity something I've never witnessed in a family their inability to speak and avoidance is very troubling reason they're doing this I wasn't allowed to speak my opinion and stuff that they were doing wrong😢❤❤

@markesabowers1567 23 күн бұрын

You not only clarified this is confirmation.

@lorrainedevlin6409 22 күн бұрын

You get scapegoated ,because you are more intellingent than your narc parent.

@borges1016 20 күн бұрын

I lived this. No contact for a long time now. I pray we can all find peace & healing ❤

@kiv_daniels 21 күн бұрын

This is soo validating. You’re saving lives out here Tamara Hills.

@TherapistTamaraHill 21 күн бұрын

🤗thank yo! I pray so.

@kiv_daniels 20 күн бұрын

@@TherapistTamaraHill You’re welcome ☺️☺️☺️. Amen.

@iamliyao7430 24 күн бұрын

Thank you thank you for the work you out to show us who we deal with, much appreciated.Tamara, I have been on your videos, and been in a downward spiral with them sent them to my aunt who is trying to make me forgive my mother, my aunt is like” the Bible says “honor and respect…….. and you only have one mom, and she is hurting , am watching it now, I had to move across continents far away and no contact, I saw this day ago and have been waiting and missed it, so play back gang here.

@TherapistTamaraHill 23 күн бұрын

Thank you so much for this comment.❤ I'm glad this is helpful to you. I'm sorry this is so hard for you too. But perhaps healing and clarity can come from the videos on the channel. I truly hope so. Let me also say...that I believe (like your aunt) you should honor your mother and father "that thy days will be many." Exodus 20:12 *HOWEVER, this is within its proper context. CONTEXT is extremely important when reading and abiding by the bible. I don't think God would punish you for having nothing to do with an abusive parent, a cruel parent, etc. Context is key!

@markesabowers1567 23 күн бұрын

Hey there Tamara this resonates with me an what I was dealing with my ex in-laws I'm glad because my ex is in bondage to his family and I want it out because I know this is not the way I want to live after 7 years completion.. sadly he has wimpy syndrome characteristics how I attract due to my broken consciousness a bit of low self-esteem so I own it and take responsibility becoming the best version of myself holistically in terms of self-forgiveness self care unapologetically 💜🙏.. I appreciate you because you are a blessing! to people you just don't know..

@TherapistTamaraHill 23 күн бұрын

Thank you so much ☺ I'm very grateful that I can reach a wide audience and I'm prayerful that perhaps there will be more one day. I'm sorry this has happened to you as well. The good part about it for you is that you no longer have to be apart of the bondage of deception. You see the problem. You see what you need to do. And that's healing.

@pennyponiatowski5676 24 күн бұрын

Wow .. had problems with school and homework. My mom would take it and do it then finally, i needed glasses and teachers would c all and my mom didn't want to hear it .. then I get glasses, and everyone would have to help fine them.. and was told I was stupid. I didn't know who I was .. as I got older, it didn't stop. Ugh

@FreeBirdee 24 күн бұрын

😢 Sorry you had to endure that experience. I hope you find healing and peace.

@TherapistTamaraHill 24 күн бұрын

I'm so sorry. That's rough indeed @pennyponiatowski5676. I have so many kiddos who see me for treatment who are going through this. It's a tough dynamic indeed. You are not stupid. No one is stupid. That's a term the ignorant use when they can't understand your needs. I hope you know that!

@Brandy3319 23 күн бұрын

Oh my gosh Penny, I thought I was the only one who’s mom got frustrated with me and just did the homework herself… yeah, she would try to explain it and when I didn’t understand, she would just do it herself… Fast forward to young adulthood, instead of explaining to me how credit and budgeting works, she just buys everything for me.. instead of teaching me how to cook, she just lays a cookbook on my bed or does all the cooking herself…. and then turns around and complain about why I don’t have my life together… She still hasn’t figured it out 😞 I’m so underdeveloped at my age because of this.. but keep seeking out channels like this and there’s nothing wrong with keeping your distance… stay safe 🎈ok.

@ironhorse1096 23 күн бұрын

This is explosive! I have realized since listening to various UTube therepists including yourself, that I have not received very good therepy over the years 1st hand. Listening to what you are saying gives me confidence that what has happened to me and is continuing to happen in my family by a few members is 100% true. Or, maybe I am at a place also that I am "Raising my ugly head" and starting to really question everyone and everything and believe in me. I am now 75 yrs. old and have struggled my whole life with depression and low self esteem. And I realize as I ask questions even of my faith that it has also affected my realitionship to how I see God. It doesn't matter at this point in life that it has been such a hard journey to overcome self doubt. As I was seeking God one day not to long ago, I said. "I can't do this anymore." Keep going against what I can't internalize. The Biblical verse that has gone through my mind so many times and I have actually expressed recently with a friend is one that I believe a disciple expressed. "I believe, help my unbelief." I am always looking for the truth. And that probably started in childhood with a statement I recall from my mother; " You think to much." And one day as I was walking out of church as a young girl @ 8 to 10 I asked the minister this question. "Where did God come from. "? He said. "We don't ask those questions." And so it goes. Do not question authority in the family, in the church, or anywhere else except with fear. I thought I was going to have to wait until I meet God face to face to ask the question of "What happened" in my life, and is still happening in my family. It is becoming very clear that I am not "a problem to be solved." And who I am and how I was created to think as a child was not wrong. I have "Good News" to believe and spread with faith in the love that was planted within me from the very beginning by the author of life.❤

@Treehugger888 24 күн бұрын

Hey. Watching your intro now. I realized ‘oh no! I missed Tamara’ 😕 I found you this week and so much resonates with me Thank you for everything you do I really hope I catch you live next time 🤍

@TherapistTamaraHill 24 күн бұрын

Welcome!! You're welcome.And thank you 😊 So glad this is helpful. I'll be on again tomorrow 6:10 est!

@justinkevish 21 күн бұрын

I appreciate the way you break these things down! 😌

@TherapistTamaraHill 21 күн бұрын

Thank you!! I'm so glad this is helpful.

@ChasidyWall 22 күн бұрын

This struck a nerve!

@jpuppetschannel8185 23 күн бұрын

Wow! I am not married nor have kids yet, however I listen and tune in to a lot of these to prepare the best I can. A lot of what you have spoken on I experienced and still do experience myself! I love these topics! Thanks for bringing awareness!

@TherapistTamaraHill 23 күн бұрын

Thank you!! So glad this is interesting and helpful to you. And you're welcome. More is on the way!

@ayatflashfish 19 күн бұрын

Thank you so much ❣️ Your knowledge is invaluable! Sooo after you mentioned infantilization I looked it up and got to infantilization of women which was just what I needed to understand ( on top of my toxic family members starting with my sadic mother) I realized I am one of the 8% of rural female property owners in the country I am in and it's been sooooo difficult to gain respect in investment collaborations due to my gender, like most men are just fantasizing about sex/love relationships and I am not offered the same, opportunities, my very narcissistic ex husband actually managed to steal half of my properties because the lawyer just ASSUMED that I was a nobody since I was a woman and being an old school vice president of this country and probably sociopath he claimed he had no idea modelling was a job which is quite a humiliating thing to say. So in my case having paid taxes and done everything right was squashed by male assumptions of what females are capable of. Have you encountered this problem with male professionals being a very educated woman? Cordially Aya ☀️✨

@TherapistTamaraHill 19 күн бұрын

Thank you so much for that! And yes, I do encounter this a lot! It's disrespectful sometimes and undermining to say the least. I have always, and still do, have to "fight" to be respected. And no matter how far I have traveled or gone in this profession, I still have to "fight" to be respected. Sexual and sexist comments do happen from time to time. Self-preservation through wise responses or no responses, ignoring or minimizing, and building self-confidence and knowledge are often helpful.

@jennifersim3262 21 күн бұрын

❤

@sarahcouture24 24 күн бұрын

With learned helpless, I wouldn't say it's "easier" it's just that continuing to try appears to be futile and a hopeless cause. Why set yourself up for disappointment and frustration? Feeling powerless definitely isn't easier, it's just doesn't seem like there are any options that will actually yield a good result for you anyway.

@MotorcyclePhaedrus 23 күн бұрын

This helps ease the guilt i feel over walking away from certain family relationships. What you describe, the interpersonal dynamic as it were, can be so tricky to interpret. For years i felt i was being oppressed somehow, but felt shameful for even contemplating it. This video kzfaq.info/get/bejne/mZlpeZNlztSwemQ.htmlsi=YHAA2o48Koa9eFho , helped me zone in on innapropriate boundary crossing behaviour. Thankyou for the light you continue to shine on these taboo topics.

@TherapistTamaraHill 23 күн бұрын

You're welcome and thank you for sharing that resource. Walking away is difficult because the natural process is to wonder if you were "right" or "wrong" in what has happened and what you have decided to do. It takes time to work through this.

@Jahtutson 21 күн бұрын

48:31 You were going to post in the description box about the "Violence and Control (Will or Wheel)". I didn't see that. I'm not sure exactly what you are saying. I never heard of it.