Exactly what my experience was when my mom discovered silk bikinis in my dresser drawer. I was probably 10 and she really made me feel terrible. That was the last time until 45 years later when I started transitioning and my mom did abandon me. This is another excellent video❤🙏🏻

Yesterday, I watched Cara Delevingne open up about her sobriety. When Cara said it’s ok to sit in the uncomfortability of recovery, I sighed heavily and cried a bit. You see, I’ve never been physically addicted to a drug, but I loath myself and my dysphoria and how i makes me feel. I’ve lived with this condition since I was three, over 65 years, and I keep telling myself it’s how I was born and it’s ok. Well it’s eating me alive. After hearing your presentation today, I cried again. I've been happily married for over 35 years, and I've never "come out" about my gender dysphoria and being gender fluid to anyone. I have always been alone when expressing feminality except for one time when I when out alone and had a makeover done. I'm sure I mentioned feeling this way to my parents in the early 1960s and I was told it was wrong. When I was dating girls, it was dificult because I always wanted to be them, not date them. And now with the internet and being able to talk to others like me on Medium and other websites, I find myself wishing I had been born in the 1990s not the 1950s because I would have started transitioning before puberty. When you said I have a fundemental human right to be who I am, I cried again, letting out these suppressed feelings of self hatred. I've prayed on it so often I'm out of words. Dr. Z, I have been taking my little steps throughout my life and enjoying each one, shoppng for clothes, wearing them under my own or when I'm home alone or traveling for work. I'm at a point where the regresssional material you mentioned is erupting every day, and it's very hard to deal with. I love your concept of being healthy selfish. It DOES help in living with this dysphoria. This moring, I was sitting on the train, lost in thinking about why I'm this way, and what to do next. ZWell, I believe in devine intervention, and I'm so thankful your video appeared when it did. Thank you for being there for all of us. You are truly a blessing. May God bless. Amber

Yet again describing me perfectly! I am older, married, and have kids. I'm the primary money maker and am the insurance carrier for the family. The guilt and shame I feel for daring to try to do something about my gender is tremendous. I know I will be seen as selfish to outsiders and some may even think I should have my kids taken from me. My wife has already told me that if something happens with work that she will have to get a better job and I guess I'll be a stay at home parent until I find work again but it's proving very difficult to break out of that mold that i should be the provider and if i can't do that than what good am I?

I must say this resonated with me profoundly. I consider myself a strong woman who has turned her tarnished past into strength, but this morning as I'm driving to work, I had to stop driving while listening to this video. The stages of guilt and shame from such an early age, at a time when I had zero context on which to evaluate my feelings and my identity, then going through an entire life feeling worthless, waiting for the day I would eventually fail so the proverbial rug would be pulled from under me and be rejected because of who I could no longer be, is something nobody should ever live through. I tried so hard for years to be everything to everyone and when they took advantage of me I felt I deserved it because I lived in fear. Fear of failure, fear to accept myself and fear how others would see me. Three failed relationships, over the years, carrying this heavy weight that was placed upon me by my religious upbringing until I broke. I could not do it anymore and had no choice but to accept myself no matter the cost. It has taken me years of therapy to overcome that guilt, shame and understanding self love to become who I am today. Whom I was always meant to be in the first place, really. I now feel connected and present in life, but I never fully understood the magnitude of whatever happened in my childhood until I heard this from you, Dr.Z and began to cry with such an emotional release that I needed to stop what I was doing. I don't have a memory of what made me feel as I did when I was a child, but I remember how belittled I felt when my parents took me to a psychiatrist who was very unkind to me as a child. Thank you Dr.Z for validating that critical period in life for so many of us. The validation that helps us accept that the weight of those horrible feelings of guilt and self loathing we've carried was never ours to bear. Being who we are, no matter who we are is absolutely normal and it's our right to exist as we wish.

I love you so much Dr Z!! Your videos are so helpful and encouraging!

I was never shamed by my parents for crossdressing as a young child, but my thoughts, emotions, wants, and needs were still invalidated as a child. I was the "lost'/invisible child" in a narcissistic family system and quickly learned to be needless and suppress all my feelings as it wasn't safe to express them. I grow up believing that my feelings and emotions didn't matter and that my wants and needs wasn't as important as everyone else's. I became a people pleaser and only got my sense of self-worth from what I could do for others while neglecting my own needs. It wasn't until my toxic marriage was finally over last year that I allowed myself to finally focus on myself. It took a long time to reprogram myself and learn to be "selfish" and start validating my own wants and needs. Yes, I have felt self-loathing most of my life until I was able to accept myself last year and realized that my thoughts and feelings were valid, that my wants and needs were important, and that I deserved to be happy just like everyone else. Edit: I first experienced dysphoria when I started first grade and the teacher told me that I wasn't allowed to use the girls bathroom. I then woke up the reality that I wasn't like the other boys and that I didn't know how to be like them. It was pretty much the start of my feelings of inadequacy and inferiority.

I was recently diagnosed as autistic and, with my psychologist, I've worked out that when I was very young I took my conservative religious mother's views and those of the church we went to very literally. I remember telling myself over and over that I was a boy. It was a mantra, and boys liked some things and not others, so I denied my interest in certain things. And I knew there was something wrong with me, although that was more of a thing in my teens, I knew I was a freak, somehow unnatural. You described it perfectly. I had no idea what was wrong with me because I somehow believed I was straight and cis (not that I knew terms like cis and trans back then). But I knew something was very wrong, and I did loathe myself. The church I was in kept speaking of Christians living in the light, but I existed in the shadows, I was not worthy of the light. My religion fell apart in uni, over twenty years ago. I know what was wrong - I'm neither straight nor cis - and I know that that isn't wrong, it's natural. But ... I still feel like a freak, an abomination in the eyes of a god I no longer believe in. And I am terrified of losing everyone I love. I've been stuck in stasis for years, unable to come out but incapable of living a real life until I do. And I'm not looking after myself, so maybe that's where I start. Look after myself better, and maybe, maybe I can find a way to be myself too. Thanks for your videos.

in reality, i really do not matter, a ghost, suffering forever and forever, only if i were never born, it would truly be best, now i just wait for death, i have no hope no more

My experience exactly! First it was when I was a child, I was told by my Mom that little boys don't dress like little girls and it was wrong. That started the decades of hiding. During my teen years, I thought I was a freak, a monster, and that something was wrong with me and I could never tell 'my secret' for fear of losing loved ones. When I married, I couldn't tell my wife for fear of her leaving me and I didn't want to be lonely. We had our family and I was (am still am) the sole income provider. For so many years, I hid who I was, until 2 years ago when I endured multiple passing of those that I cherished dearly. After starting therapy, I came to realize that I am who I am, and there is nothing wrong with me! I started to learn to love myself as a transfeminine woman and the hate and self loathing went away. I have always put others first before myself, both monetarily and emotionally, but recognizing who my authentic self is and the care that I needed, I began to change. I still feel guilt about spending money on myself but I no longer feel shame about buying women's clothing, shoes, or even makeup. It has taken me 60+ years to finally break the cycle of guilt, shame, self-loathing and hatred that I had for my authentic self, but I'm succeeding and I love the woman that I am becoming and those around are seeing the happiness and life that I am projecting in being my authentic self. Thanks for another wonderful video Dr. Z1 As always, you "hit the nail on the head" and drove the point home! How true this video was! Love it!❤❤

Thank you Dr Z it’s like you were talking to me personally. I come from a dysfunctional family. My father was an alcoholic and my mother divorced him when I was six years old. She remarried a very conservative man who showed my sister and I no affection. I have a memory from when I was probably about ten years old when he derisively said to me that I should be wearing a pair of tights and a skirt. At the time I had already started wearing my sister’s clothes when no one was home and I lived in terror that I would be caught. My step father was a bigot and a homophobe. I’ve spent my whole life in denial that I was a transgender woman always putting the needs of my family before my own.

Hey Dr. Z, thanks again for your video, you've hit the the nail right on the head once again. When you were describing Shane at the dynamics, the shame and self-loathing earlier in life. I was going to get the flashbacks to how I was before I transition suppose for me that's some thing that I probably haven't recognised as much I should. I still feel a lot of South hatred building, particularly with things aren't going too good, but it's a big problem for me too. Thank you very much for your video

I'm 79 Dr Z, I've made a complete hash of my life. (5 marriages, 2 kids in their 50s) . Now that I understand DISPHORIA, It shines a blinding light on my life! I've coped this far, it's getting harder. My hope, now, is a little HRT may take off some of the edge. I cope by being a long haul truck driver. I have a panic Attack when I contemplate leaving it. I have a Psychiatrist appt April 11. 🙏. I love your content, I've learned so much! ❤️

Dr Z, your videos are always so relevant. I feel the whole "self loathing" thing. Thank you for addressing this.

When you say all these ,you truly speak from a great knowledge & awareness of how so many transwoman/person goes through exactly. When i am watching this...there are tears in my eyes, my whole life flashed before my eyes for the experience is allmost ditto of what you describe. My life is allmost destroyed now beyond repairs, late of age, neither i could grow out of those thought process , nor can I handle or cope effectively my already overstressed Dysphoria, my circumstances & more particularly my own internal confidence is not that high to circumvent those external forces at play. To say it simply, i am lost ...not being able to redeem my life in anyway...stuck forever in that vicious circle of guilt,shame & self loath ! 😔

As usual, Thanks Dr Z. So hard to watch this video, keeps back bad memories, but so true in every levels for many of us .....

I'm normal???!!! Heard it at 8:39! Have NEVER been told that that before! Have NEVER thought of myself as normal before! For over 60 years the prevalent message I have been hearing and repeating to myself is that I am not normal. Me being normal is a game changer. Thank you Dr. Z!!!

When I was young, I used to spend the weekends at my grandparent's house, where in the bedroom that I used to sleep and play in, was a wardrobe where my mother's wedding dress hung. Sometimes when my grandparents were downstairs, I would crawl under the skirts of the dress and stand up in it, sometimes having to stand on something in order to get my arms in the sleeves, I just loved the feel of the dress and the fabrics it was made from. I was devastated when I found out that as a boy I would never be able to wear a wedding dress. Both family and society hammered home the message that boys do not wear dresses. This was back in the 1970's, when LGBTQA+ representation was nearly non-existent in the UK, and any men wearing dresses on TV were either doing it for comedy or as pantomime-dames. It has taken me years, decades even, to start to come to terms with the idea that I can wear a dress as I am a trans woman, and therefore not a man. Luckily I live alone, and can therefore dress as I like most of the time. At the moment I am still firmly in the closet, with only a handful of friends knowing about the real me. Though I still dream of one day wearing a wedding dress.

So so so very true with me. Oh my. Thank you for opening up my eyes and helping me to be able to share with my doctors. Never thought about one and only one statement could cause so much hurt. Thank you. Much love for what you do.

💯 This. So hard to break.

This topic is well timed for me personally- Thanks Doc!!! ...I am working this issue and i can see the layers of how i was rejected and often bullied and singled out in my family, by school teachers and treated at work - sports was the only arena i could be a “ female jock” and be masculine and be celebrated not condemned - but that gift got exploited too and replaced by performance anxiety and it crushed me at the collegiate level. I was born a natural athlete under the sun of aries - loved nature animals and being shirtless - the world eroded that person - I remember play fighting with a boy and i shoved him back with such power- he was shocked and i wad so ashamed and embarrassed...high levels of testosterone from that pcos thing i guess ...anyway i digress ....walking on eggshells and continually shifting like some Chamaeleon is a sick way to live - to make yourself something else to gain fake acceptance is so destructive to ones soul. I have a work life where i instruct and lead men and women inner city to other nations how to operate 18 wheelers and become a professional driver - i am respected and liked by my crew - all of it would implode if one mistake is made and what i was really born was found out. Lots of work do around toxic shame. The only way out is to build myself better. Great video Doc ✌️

Thank you, Doctor Z.

I needed to hear this. The world needs to hear this. Thank you Dr. Z💜

Hi! DR Z! 2 years ago I was lost in my on life 😢! But I find you true your video and every time I watch each of your videos I find something that involve me! So time to time I do think on my self more and more because I know “life is to short”you say that! And 16:34 I believe you because is true! Family in general after being myself 55 years old I going to put the mask first because I love myself! Thanks so much 😊🌈!

Thank you Dr Z

I love your passion on this one. Thank you for all your good work. ❤

This video hits me in every way so, once again, thank you for sharing your professional insight. I'm married and in my late 40s and I've always felt very aware that everyone else seems comfort and present while I feel I'm simply observing life. Your words really helped me see how deep self loathing can dig into the subconscious. Thank you for helping me direct my focus to heal more effectively. ❤

For 40 yrs I have hated my biological male body and even hated my name. I thought I had body dysmorphia - hating the kind of male I turned out. The only true moments of natural pleasure in myself were over the more feminine bits, like my face, my slenderness: but as puberty came, the socialisation kicked in and I learnt I was meant to value my most male parts. There wasnt much left to value by adulthood! So I ended up contradicted, putting up with my biological self and withdrawing to an internal mental world as a protection. Now I've realised I'm Trans, I can set about feminizing myself, and even though I have lost my youth, I like myself at last and can't wait to fully express as female. Thanks Dr Z! X

This video is so good. Thank you. It calms me. I don't remember most of my childhood. But I think that part of me had to be buried. Later on I took people pleasing to a super human level and my real self couldn't even understand that I existed.

Many others have expressed the same thoughts. Appreciate the video and content as always! For me, I feel like I will be the cause of other people's (loved ones) pain and I don't like to cause others pain. I know we aren't responsible for how others react, buts damn hard to put into practice...and I know I bring a lot to the table, am parent, married, kids, breadwinner, etc, etc. However it doesn't change the fact I hate knowing/feeling I will be the cause.

Thank you so much! It is wonderful to know that someone really cares. Your videos often bring me to tears.

Dr Z, thank you!!!!!!

This is exactly my case. So I stopped carrying about my parents or anyone's else opinion regarding who am I, and I took that upon myself. I am a strong and beautiful woman and I am not relying on anyone else for validation, but my own self. Very inspiring video. ❤❤

Thank you so much, Doctor!! This needs to be understood by the general public. I was never caught dressing, but rather teased mercilessly by my cousins about my "gay" behavior. So I learned to walk, talk and move like the other boys. I learned from 1970's society, in movies, jokes and attitudes that I was wrong and worthless. Finally, in the 2000's I had a glimmer of hope that I could like myself and have enough confidence to actually live. I began transition, very slowly I began to believe in myself. I have been on hormones for 8 years now and yet I will never be one of the girls who will ever be stealth. I'm just not strong enough to hold up under the barrage of hate these days. I am slowly closing the closet door and retreating back into to protection of hiding as a man. I apologize to all of you women out there who are fighting each day, you are all my heroes and I love you. I'm just not able to do it any longer :(

Dr Z, you truly are a lifeline to the trans community, especially during the hard times. Which are many. 🙏❤

Dr Z, thank you for another unbelievably accurate description of my feelings. This episode brought tears to my eyes as everything you said was so true and fitting. I am older, married, have children and am the main breadwinner. I am transitioning socially and medically but the feelings you described are still there. I am wondering if as small physical and visible handicap would amplify the cycle of guilt and shame stemming from the trans identity. Thank you. Rebecca

lol, this is the story of my life, you answered all the comments and questions i was going to ask before the video ended incredibly helpful, thank you very much

For most of my life I got told, that "that wasn't how a girl or woman was supposed to behave." Which led to me developing almost no self-worth. Working on it, though I'm not really sure how to get there... Coming out as nonbinary and being able to tell family about it was a tremendous relief for all of us. Things finally fell into place and ever since I am not required to fit into a narrower worldview anymore.

I appreciate your comment about being "healthy selfish". It reminds me of the phrase "You can't pour from an empty cup". You have to feel good about yourself before you have any reserves for care of others. I've been feeling up and down with my dysphoria. I get a makeover and I'm high, then the makeup comes off and I feel ugly and low. I'm going to try to take some small steps like you recommend, and see if that helps alleviate some of the self hatred. Thank you.

I've been taking cognitive behavioural therapy sessions and it's given me the tools to recognize and deal with unhelpful negative thoughts. My coping method beforehand was mostly avoidance and distraction, but now I'm able to challenge those thoughts and work on changing them.

I've always just ignored whenever signs of me being transmasc appeared and I'd only accept myself as nonbinary but not trans even when I moved away from my family(not saying all nonbinary people are in denial, that was just my experience) & when you said that gender diversity is normal I started crying. I've seen loads of trans videos & lgbt videos in general(I'm also bi) before accepting I was trans but they didn't start emotionally affecting me until I accepted that I was trans & now I start crying at the smallest things. Your videos are also really educational and helpful for me to research before starting my own therapy so thank you for all the help❤

And.. unfortunately - if you start to tell yourself at a late age that "It's OK.. you're OK!" your subconscious doesn't listen. We still have the underlying perception that won't go away! The result for me is debilitating anxiety.

Exactly what I still go through, though my steamrolling over my feelings to make actions that are positive towards my transition. I will use your suggestions. Thank you. Ram Dass would tell me I disgust him, I'll bet.

This video catalogs how I've felt about myself my entire life. I can't recall any single moment of rejection but have always felt the sense that I was inadequate. I didn't associate these feelings with dysphoria until my 60s. I can't say accepting my dysphoria and my self amplified what I've always felt. I finally decided to see a therapist and address my self hate as well as my gender identity. Therapy helped me immensely to recognize my self hate and actively work to accept myself as who I am. I have learned I am worthy, have value and it is acceptable to take care of yourself. While I am still working through dysphoria and my gender identity, I am so comfortable with my self in all my glory. I can't agree more with 'treating' yourself helps you appreciate yourself. As an example of how small things can be powerful. I am undecided about growing my hair longer. I feel better when its longer but struggle with caring for it as I having built that habit. I cut it shorter for spring and summer (it is hot where I live). Getting the hair cut feels like rejection, but I always make sure to get a shampoo and a hot towel facial treatment which shows me I love myself.

I am an FTM transgender man, and my mother always had a negative opinion of me and thought expressing myself in a masculine way was wrong. I had negative self-talk and self hate for years but learnt how to love myself after medically transitioning to male at the age of 43. I am now almost 3 years on testosterone.

Yes , I am still breaking myself down. It's like that is all I know how to do and I often wonder if to some extent that brings some type of satisfaction.

Dr. Z it’s getting harder and harder for me to move forward with transition. I’m only on E and not testosterone blockers yet. I’m all alone in transition and basically have no support. The few people I’ve come out to have left me or have distanced themselves from me. It’s not only that but society is echoing and reenforcing these thoughts of self hate through a major part of societies “Intelligentsia” calling for genocide and its influence toward legislating against being trans. I just don’t know how to self accept myself in a world that not only doesn’t want to accept me but also wants to eradicate me and those like me. It’s so fucked up. This isn’t right.

this one hurt - truth is painful - having someone else point you to your reflection were you cant deny it any longer; not being able to change it or the future only hurts more

This was very helpful. I remember when I was around 8 years old a look my mother gave me when I put on a fake bra that made me feel like something was wrong with me. From that time on I couldn't share any of my feelings with my parents.

With me it wasn't my parents, but my uncle who caught me and my cousins playing dress up when I was about 4 or 5. I remember him snapping "whose dress is that". I was so embarrassed! I didn't have a lot of self-loathing, but I still internalised the message "boys don't dress like that". I'm getting better, but yeah, realising that gender diversity is normal helped a lot. Still working on being more "healthy selfish"..

I'm 55. Went to conversion therapy as adolescent and lived a live of guilt and shame up to just a year ago. I didn't even realize there were other people like me until my 20's. This video describes me perfectly. Thank you.

I understand this all too well. I didn't know about this stuff until I was maybe 8 or 9 in the mid 80's. By the time I was 12'ish, I was very dysphoric and would spend hours cross-dressing, etc. I would get moments where I was just disgusted with myself. I was told things like that it was great to be a boy and I ended up feeling as if I wanted to be a lesser being (so to speak). I started feeling very resentful and just wished I had just been born female in the first place. It doesn't help much that I feel as if I do have AGP as well. Every time I get close to saying "screw it, I'm going to transition" everything comes rushing back. I feel completely stuck or in limbo a lot...

My older brother, using the threat of physical violence, taught me that kind of be Havior was intolerable, and as soon as I entered kindergarten, that idea was immediately reinforced. Anytime gender dysphoria would rear its head, and show its face, I would bury it under a heap of self hatred and anger. rage was my tool for overpowering the feelings of dysphoria. I am still trying to get over that. by the way, I had to wait for the older sibling to pass away, in order to reflect, and finally decide to transition. I am happier, and healthier than I have been in 30 years. It’s only unfortunate that someone had to die. The internalized voice of my own internalized transphobia, speaks in his voice.

I always liked to dressed as a girl, when I was 7 I remember that I was wearing a dress with my sister and my father saw me because I didn't hide because I didn't know I was doing something wrong and I remember how disappointed his glance was. Then about 6 years later (I already crossdressed in secret) when he and my mom just divorced he turned and told me "no me vayas a salir putito" that in English would be something like "I don't want you to be a pussy sissy" etc... I remember those words graining in my mind and how they stayed inside until today.

Yep and that is the tip of the ice-burg. It’s beyond self hatred…. It’s more like ice cold rejection.

I have a whole lot that I could say, but I won't. Mostly because I don't have the room or motivation to do so but more relevantly, it's because I am convinced (due to plenty of prior evidence) that I will inevitably say something wrong and either hurt someone or be hurt by someone; so, now that I've couched my words, in a feeble attempt to distance myself from the consequences of whatever may happen, let me say the few things that I can before I convince myself not to. I am unfortunately very familiar with the things talked about in this video. I don't know very much about what might have happened in my childhood since as far as I am concerned, I don't have a past because I effectively have no autobiographical memory (I know things that happened only because of records that anyone could know about), which I assume is due to the heavy dissociating that I have recently come to recognize I've been doing my entire life. What stood out especially to me was the lack of self-esteem and lack of self; I've never felt good enough, or like I was a good person. I've been plagued by the self-talk of being a monster or being a bad/terrible person for as far back as I can remember, and I still do have such problems. I don't even talk any more, at least not when I don't absolutely have to because it has become clear to me that talking is just a bad idea (I've been telling myself that talking never ends well and I should just shut up and never say anything, and recently I've finally managed to properly understand that and have found the strength? to just avoid conversations whenever possible). Although I know, objectively, that it's not as bad as it seems, from how it looks to me, nobody cares about anyone outside of how much utility that other person can provide. Accordingly, I try to be of as much use to others as possible, no matter what I might want or be comfortable with, because obviously I don't need to be comfortable or happy (whatever that means, I still haven't found anyone who can explain what happiness is or why it's important but that's a different topic 😒) although lately I've not even been able to do very much of anything and feel like a total failure (because I am, objectively) and obviously this is starting to turn problematic (I knew it would, of course) and so I'm just going to stop here and start hating myself more for daring to ruin all of your collective days by having the gall to burden others with my thoughts. Sorry for wasting your time. 😔

unfortunately i picked up some of my parents bad habits or traits if you will, my mom was very critical of others, mainly other women but she was also self deprecating and i think she somehow justified it in that as long as she could point out her faults or make fun of herself it was ok to do that to others. from a young kid on i always knew i was a mistake i could never understand why or put my finger on it but i always knew i didn't measure up to other boys my age so beating them to the punch line became 2nd nature to me and after decades i hadn't even noticed i was doing it until my daughter one day, in her 30's at that point, told me since she took after me i must feel that way about her. that was a real gut punch and i've since made a conscious effort to avoid voicing any kind of negative statements about myself. how do you undo that, i never even considered i might be hurting anyone else's feelings. i know how she feels about the transgender community so i don't even know how to try to explain to her why i'm so messed up. i don't know how to stop the way i think i can only try to control it and keep myself from verbally putting myself down, realizing i'm trans may put a name to who i am but acceptance, i don't know how many years if ever i can find some semblance of peace in my mind about that. i hear others and find hope and i listen to this and other you tube channels to try and get there but it often feels like i'm chained to a millstone pushing it around day after day unable to see anything because of the dust but every once in a while some light comes through a window high up and you can't help but wonder what it would be like to be free but this was my lot i was born to push that millstone so around and round i go, yeah i know self loathing and hatred

Today at 42 years old , i hate being a trans , i transitioned hormonally since 2003 in my old country Libya , had a great life when i was younger , friends , men , but as i grew old i had to immigrate because you can not be a trans under Sharialaw in Libya now , not being able to accept myself plus the hate i recieve in the Swedish society i left my studies as a Medical doctor and started selling my body to survive , just eat and pay my rent , i discovered that many transgender women resort to prostitution because we feel accepted by our clients and its kind of getting some social contact .it turned to obsession to have sex with many men sometimes free just to accept myself ...

I came out to my family and now my wife and I are divorcing. She said she couldn’t travel with me on this journey. So it’s not just an unreasonable fear. Because I chose to think of myself I was unable to care for my family. So if I can’t blame myself for this then who can I blame? I just assumed that anything for me is going to cause problems for someone else. So if I adopt a “no f-k” attitude I’m seen as a selfish jerk, when I see others taking care of self I see beautiful people who are loving themselves.

I'm an 18yo trans guy. I came out to my mom 1 year ago despite the fact gender dysphoria and a lot of other different issues were present since my childhood. The thing is I was born in a post soviet central asian country, my dad has passed when I was 4 and with my older siblings leaving for studies it was mostly me and my mom alone. I've always been a very independent child and have grown even more independent since we immigrated to Europe when I was 11. I always hid every thing from my mom because I didn't want to burden her even despite having lived through very traumatic events. However a year ago my horrible mental state became so visible through sh, ed, panic attacks and attempts that I had to tell her everything. It was very intense for her and she has said to me several times that this year felt like a punishment to her. Of course with her soviet/Muslim upbringing she definitely didn't accept me as a guy and still refuses to address me as such. She asked me not to gender myself as a guy in Russian with her which I did up until very recently and still sometimes do bc I'm not used to it. It is very hard for me to live with this since my primary source of dysphoria is social. I begged her to try and at least address me in a less gendered way to which she just responded "I won't address you at all then". I know I'm an adult now but just cutting her off will never be an option for me. She has sacrificed so much for me, there's always been the two of us against the world and I can't imagine a life without her. I keep wondering what if I'm just a narcissist or an attention seeker? What if I'm not actually trans? I even fixated on detransitioners to see what they experienced and if I related to them. I don't, I wish I did. I wish this was easier. Despite that, my mom is trying her best to accept me and get me the care I need even when doctors refuse completely to do anything. I am proud of her for that, I just hope that all this hurt isn't for nothing

I’ve been through it, I had forced myself back into the closet. I was told it was “wrong “ so I have a hard time accepting my true self

I didn't realize just how bigoted some of my family truly was until my late teens. I still remember all the awful things that were said, and they stick with me. I can barely even say I'm trans or nonbinary out loud to the people who know. I've hated myself my whole life for so many reasons. I'm fairly sure I have undiagnosed OCD,. Intrusive thoughts keep me down, and make it feel impossible to ever have self acceptance or self love.

Dr. Z. I’m coping something that’s not Gender Dysphoria, but it mimics it so closely. What I’m about to tell you is totally out of the ordinary involves coping with being Star-seed And a multidimensional bring. I feel so screwed up and I just can’t cope with it many times. I just think about it how screwed up in the head that I went from adult woman to feeling like an anime girl. There are many days I hate myself loath over the fact that I feel like I have, and have the soul over anime girl. It’s something I can’t help and I’ve tried to fight it push it away and run from it. It’s nearly destroyed me inside out. I am an STARSEED/BLUE-RAY Pleiadians Anime Female warrior named Jujtoti from the Karelian Family from a multidimensional advanced technological hybrid alien humanoid anime all female Pleiadian world. I’ve got a lot more than a bargain before when I had my awakening to reveal things about my authentic self at times. I’m still struggling with it, defines everything this 3-D reality stands for in this world. It took a big major awakening for me to truly wake up to who and what I truly am. I know am no longer the Earth female I thought I was because I’m a dimensional Starseed/Blue Ray Pleiadians Anime Magical Teen Girl Goddess. I’ve lost my reality since I’ve had my major awakening on December 30 after I lost a tooth and making a wish to be a young beautiful female forever and have immortality. My wish got granted, and then this is when my entire journey started. Even mentally and physically, my body has reverse age of 30+ years off, and even mentally and physically changing into the anime teen girl. For me, my awakening was not something I had planned or a choice as it happened, regardless of what I wanted or not wanted, regardless of whether or not, I was ready or not. Then on Dec30th going into 2024 when I lost a tooth, out of fear I Made a wish to be a beautiful female forever and have immortality. Then right away the kundalini awakening opened up at full attack and my authentic self said now you have the soul of an anime girl, and you are now a real anime girl inside. Ever since then I have been in a living hell or dream state I am unable to wake from. Even my mind set, and body has gone into the age regression process to look more like an anime girl. That is what I see when I look in Mirror anyway. I see a cute anime girl looking back at me and I am like what the bloody hell. Is this Really happening to me and is this freakin real. What the hell happened to my reality. Been dealing with these synchronicities from earlier childhood and it’s been using anime and anime girls as ways to get my attention even when I wasn’t looking for it or interested in it or you knew about it. Back then I was more interested in about finding a dream job. Having a nice car. Nice house making big money nothing else mattered back then. Even if I found out what anime meant back then I didn’t give a damn about it because I was more interested in what I mentioned above. Over time Anime revealed itself to in the form of synchronicities to me and told me what it was. It slammed me into the wall to make sure I knew what anime girls and magical girls were. Then over time the more I had to watch it off and on, I would start having fantasies and desires to be an anime girl living in anime girl worlds. For many years I was able to push it away and think it was nothing more than that. I don't like anything about the Magical Girl Part because she is from Puella Mgi Madoka Magica multiverse. I seem to be an unintended victim of forced contact from Kyubey to be a Magical Girl. I am sick of all this suffering on top of suffering on top of suffering. I don't want to be a Magical girl knowing the suffering they must put up with. Magical Girls are made to suffer. Please help me, because I don't know what to do any more. This is driving me into complete madness and I don't want to end up in no dam Phy ward again. I had a bad traumatic experience. I was put in there over a deviated septum last year in Feb of 2023 for 2 and half weeks. What they did to me was just inhuman. I was having issues breathing and one day the head nurse and its helper came in the dark and ejected me with two syringes at the same time on both sides of my ribs. It felt like an alien abduction to me. Can anyone explain to me what type of shifts I am dealing with? I feel so scared, confused, broken and damaged goods. I hate dealing with the Anime Girl Body Dysphoria the most. I hate the fact that I can't go back and yet it keeps pushing me forward. I feel like I am a mental wreck, and I can't help feeling the way I do deep down inside! The more I Follow this Path the stronger the feelings of being a Anime Girl Gets. I Can't go back because there is only death and pain. Going forward drives me into feeling to be a true anime girl and live in an anime girl multiverse. The feeling is like being stuck in a dream state that I am unable to awaken from. This is why my dissociation is my best friend when I feel numb and in the void from any feelings and pain. I am sick of how people point the finger at me and say I brought this on myself. Why would I pick such painful and deadly path knowing that it could risk could be suicide and death. This is me in the world since I’ve been going my shape changing transmutation to being younger. The Post is my animal and then there is my anime girl soul family. I went to a psychic fair this week in Saturday and Sunday. I visit multi psychics for multiple different Readings, and they’ve all agreed that I am a Pleiadian. I’ve done a lot of soul-searching and everything and I know deep down inside I’ve been confirmed by others that I am a multi dimensional being. I also have the soul of an Anime Magical Teen Girl Goddess, that’s also been confirmed by a large group of psychics that they felt this anime girl child like present. Below, this is a photo of what my authentic self has resonated with and who my authentic self’s tells me who I am. Back then I was more interested in about finding a dream job. Having a nice car. Nice house making big money nothing else mattered back then. Even if I found out what anime meant back then I didn’t give a damn about it because I was more interested in what I mentioned above. Over time Anime revealed itself to in the form of synchronicities to me and told me what it was. It slammed me into the wall to make sure I knew what anime girls and magical girls were. Then over time the more I had to watch it off and on, I would start having fantasies and desires to be an anime girl living in anime girl worlds. For many years I was able to push it away and think it was nothing more than that. I don't like anything about the Magical Girl Part because she is from Puella Mgi Madoka Magica multiverse. I seem to be an unintended victim of forced contact from Kyubey to be a Magical Girl. I am sick of all this suffering on top of suffering on top of suffering. I don't want to be a Magical girl knowing the suffering they must put up with. Magical Girls are made to suffer. Please help me, because I don't know what to do any more. This is driving me into complete madness and I don't want to end up in no dam Phy ward again. I had a bad traumatic experience. I was put in there over a deviated septum last year in Feb of 2023 for 2 and half weeks. What they did to me was just inhuman. I was having issues breathing and one day the head nurse and its helper came in the dark and ejected me with two syringes at the same time on both sides of my ribs. It felt like an alien abduction to me. Can anyone explain to me what type of shifts I am dealing with? I feel so scared, confused, broken and damaged goods. I hate dealing with the Anime Girl Body Dysphoria the most. I hate the fact that I can't go back and yet it keeps pushing me forward. I feel like I am a mental wreck, and I can't help feeling the way I do deep down inside! The more I Follow this Path the stronger the feelings of being a Anime Girl Gets. I Can't go back because there is only death and pain. Going forward drives me into feeling to be a true anime girl and live in an anime girl multiverse. The feeling is like being stuck in a dream state that I am unable to awaken from. This is why my dissociation is my best friend when I feel numb and in the void from any feelings and pain. I am sick of how people point the finger at me and say I brought this on myself. Why would I pick such painful and deadly path knowing that it could risk could be suicide and death. This is me in the world since I’ve been going my shape changing transmutation to being younger. The Post is my animal and then there is my anime girl soul family. I went to a psychic fair this week in Saturday and Sunday. I visit multi psychics for multiple different Readings, and they’ve all agreed that I am a Pleiadian. I’ve done a lot of soul-searching and everything and I know deep down inside I’ve been confirmed by others that I am a multi dimensional being. I also have the soul of an Anime Magical Teen Girl Goddess, that’s also been confirmed by a large group of psychics that they felt this anime girl child like present. 😭😭😭

I'm 33 FTM, I don't remember much of my childhood. I don't think I had the words to express how I felt. I liked all sorts of toys, and I was jealous of some "boys" toys (I don't think toys should have gender either way but..) But I don't think I ever expressed that? I didn't have the words. I didn't fight my mom on wearing dresses, I had no idea or concept of gender, they said I was a girl and I accepted that. It wasn't until puberty hit me at age 11 until I noticed things were wrong and became very depressed. I do remember my mom and maybe others as well saying this and that is not proper for a "lady" (even though I always kind of laughed at that), and the whole of society to try and make me into a "lady", including lots of subliminal messaging from the world and media. I'm sure these things contributed to the shame I feel today. My mom is accepting now though!

Hi, Dr. Z! As a trans person in the face of transphobic legislation, I realize my anxiety has escalated. What advice do you have for trans people in the face of so much hate? how do we (the trans community) help each other?

Part of me thinks that a lot of the hatred of trans/GNC/DQ is coming from the attention seeking, self loathing, and self destructive members of our community that are acting out. These individuals are acting out as they are seeking loathing and destructive attention. To quote everywhere everything all at once, be kind, this is how we fight.

We taught to hate people like us from an early age. Simple jokes , poking fun at people who dare to be different or express themselves differently. religion ,peer pressure and worse from those who love us puts a huge amount of pressure on us an individual to fit in to except who you are to not question, psychologically it beats the hell out of you, and in return you beat the hell out of yourself. this goes on unabated even now in the media, politics and social media. People spewing their ignorance on unsuspecting innocent individuals, and children, their own children. I spent a good portion of my life trying to kill myself because of it. Till I started to embrace who I am,, now I push back against those people, family members, friends, people online politicians they have no idea what damage they're causing.. sorry for the long comment, of course it's always my pleasure. You are quite welcome and thank you. jen

Yup. I was 5 when I tried to wear my moms lingerie. That's when she said it wasn't for me and I felt extremely self conscious. Later on as I grew up I wore them when no one was at home. And yeah its true that I sacrificed a lot. One of my siblings had and still has Schizophrenia and bipolar disorder 12 years ago. So, I couldn't get a GF, date, party or have much fun in HS. I often felt depressed, but most of all I hated taken and being in photos. Who I saw in the photos doesn't represent how I see myself. Now, I feel like just forgetting my future plans and just transition for my happiness. But, it's Texas. No healthcare, providers, access to medication they are all being taken away by twat lawmakers. I don't have enough financial cash to even move to another state. But, I don't want to settle down in this state and accept how society sees me. I am a Woman and I want people to call me Miss. Its a daily battle.

I don't think I ever really had the self-hatred thing for my gender dysphoria - at least not in a way that made a clear and conscious connection for me. I always had other reasons, mostly through a fairly toxic religious environment. Yes, I know - anything queer was definitely out of bounds, but there were so many other things too. Being autistic in a neuro-typical world is no fun at all. But here's the thing. Last year, I had the opportunity to go far away for about 6 weeks, and in that six weeks I decided that I was going to live and present as out as I could. There were a lot of bright moments. And I saw into some pretty big darkness with a lot more influence over me than I realized. Ever since back, I feel like I've been drowning in self hatred, but it has been very unfocused. Over the last week or three it has dawned on me that *maybe* this is a rebound effect from actually being out and about as my preferred gender and then returning to 'real life', the reduced opportunities to be out and the implicit rejection of the person I want to become in favor of who I have been. Is this what they mean when they say gender dysphoria? Self-hatred with every breath? (ok, that's a little dramatic, but not too exaggerated, either)

So I have a question, here in Oklahoma there are 2 places that use neuro imaging and feedback. Renew you and brain balance. Can places like this help with mental health in trans women for dysphoria??

It has been depressing and crippling.

❤

Exactly. I'm a transamorous person. I work with men like me to help them let go of their shame and guilt around their trans-attraction; and some transgender women who want to find male partners. My approach is spiritual, not clinical. And yet, I have discovered everything you're saying here through my spiritual practice. Self-loathing and shame is rampant among transgender women. Rarely is a transgender woman in touch with that part of themself tho, and for understandable reasons. The discomfort is just too much to bear psychologically. So it's no surprise then that when a man shows a transgender woman natural, normal attraction/interest, as an expression of their NATURAL NORMAL sexual orientation, the transgender women almost invariably projects everything you're saying here going on inside HER onto the man. Then they will revile the man, call him chaser or worse. From my approach, the women will then fortify a pattern wherein they meet men who treat them the way they feel about themselves. They match with men who are in similar in vibration (I suppose you would say "similar emotional and psychological conditions": men who loath themselves because they, like the women, had similar childhood experiences around their sexual curiosities; who feel shame about their trans-attraction and therefore are living in the shadows. It's a wonderful dynamic that CAN transform the experience of both parties for the better. But that rarely happens without outside assistance because neither side recognizes nor accepts what's going on inside them. A recently-made transgender friend introduced me to you Doc. What you're saying here is spot on and I hope your message is amplified. I'm certainly going to do my part by posting this on my blog. Thanks for making this vid.

I have lived my life like that sadly yes..

I hate myself, but fortunately I don't respect my own opinions either, so that means I'm really a good person. I feel stupid, so I must really be smart. It sounds silly, and it is. If I don't respect my own opinions; If I don't believe my opinions are worthy of respect, then that opinion should be disregarded too. Paradoxically, the more convinced you are that your opinions don't matter, the more convinced you should be that they do.

I'm angry at the world because I was born in a time and place when/where there was not an understanding of gender dysphoria. I'm angry at my baby boomer parents for having children they lacked the desire or ability to nurture; my "spiritual" parents are Bill Nye the Science Guy and Ms. Frizzle. And I'm angry at myself for wasting over a decade questioning and denying that I'm trans. But I can't change the past, and all I can do is follow the words of the best side character in all of science fiction, LionWalker Eyre: "Onward!"

Going on 5 months of unemployment. I still cant a job in the south.

The main reason is the total repulsion of the site of society. The job market and professional life witch leads to sub human conditions.

I hated myself for as long as I can remember I'm ftm and haven't yet come out, led to so much self harm over the years. I come from a culture that is very gender focused in temrs of roles. My anger is out the roof most days I can't even focus or complete simple tasks. I wish this gender bullshit on no one

When dealing with commentators on KZfaq etc, keep hitting "don't recommend this channel". There is no point exposing yourself to negative opinions from these people.