yea!!!

Wonderful!, Marilyn

Marilyn Kaster Good fo r you! I am getting there ..... 9 months on my own and I am finding myself, without him. And I like me again.

Good for you!

Well done

Agree, also: “No disrespect, but …”

✔

@@Nyx773 ✔

I no longer tolerate people apologizing to me for MY feelings. So narcissistic 🙄🙄🙄

Lol. good one

It's the gift that keeps on giving!

Great point. Follow that up with "I do not (and cannot) know everything, and neither do you" and that's a foundation for real communication and seeking objective truth

I agree. One of my favorite reminder is that. Most people don't think like us.

Beth that is one of the most intelligent things I have read on the Internet is a very long time. I wish more people would take this to heart!

@@icecubes9056 because of the existence of anger, confrontations and arguments

100% agree

Same with my mother. Once I told her I was feeling emotionally abused and she said she’d show me “abuse...”🤨

Lauren Miller omg 🤦🏻‍♀️😔

Yeah, that was one of my family's favorite phrases. That and, "You're an alarmist."

Why do you think that you can effect someone else’s bad behavior? You can only control how you interact.

Lauren Miller , sounds exactly like my mother!

In the dating world,* it's how much you have*.

I think it's attributed to Theodore Roosevelt.

@@jimmyfleetwood1118 then I won't be dating you if that is what you believe 🙂 I care about how honest, loving, and genuine someone is. Money is waaaaaaay down my list! Edit: My apologies as I may have misunderstood you post.

Nowadays it only matters what's in it for them irrespective of what you say!

Wow, you hit the nail on the head, Lynn!

Yes Tee. Another one is "You left me no choice" when they could've just chosen not to!

One of the first things I was taught as a teacher was “No child gives you the permission to be upset, only you can do that.” And it taught me so much for my adult experiences. No one can make you do anything , your emotions and actions from those are all your own .

@@leigh8253 Indeed. We may not be able to control what happens to us, but we are totally in control of how we respond to it. Until we acknowledge this fact to ourselves, and make it the core tenet of our personal armory, we are merely progressing through life in a dis-empowered state of being.

taylor swift: 👁️👄👁️

My horrible narc ex boyfriend, used to say that his 7yo son made him go off and lose his temper. Aside from The fact his son was a good little boy, I used to think how does a 7yo make you do anything?

It's GREAT advice. Just get over it.

@must hang sally See? That's yer problem. Negative attitude. Nobody can help you but you.

@must hang sally Why? Because sometimes depressed people can be overwhelming.

Not just depression, but poverty, not reaching a goal, and health, etc.

Or "This too shall pass" when you're grieving a loss".... "No s***, but I'm right in the middle of it!" is what I told someone.

Thank you!

Thank you 🙏🏼

Thanks, saved 12 min of life

Thank you 🤗

Thank you

There is hope for you buddy. :). I'm not a psychologist but I am wondering if you can use the internet to discover a few easy social tactics that you can sort of keep handy. I have a dear nephew with Asperger's. We have found some common interests (like nature and wilderness) For us that has helped. He is such a great person and i am lucky to have him in my life. I bet there are some tools that would work well for you. I hope that you find a few and enjoy some good relationships. be well. :)

Yes because nobody see it! Only the victim.

And it comes in floodsize amounts before physical abuse

Broken bones can mend, skin can heal, but emotional abuse strikes you in your soul, and is much, much harder to heal.

Have you ever experienced real physical torture? Seriously, would you soon have someone say mean things to you or have your leg sawed off slowly? Take your pick. Something tells me that you'd opt for the nasty words.

Sean Evertts we gatekeeping trauma now???

I have a sign that reads, "The more I know men, the more I like my cat." I have two cats. I haven't dated in 10 years.

@@susancavey3484 hahaha, meow, bark bark!

This was also said in the mid-19th century by a German (Prussian) statesman who stated: "Now that I know mankind, I prefer the company of my dog."

The problem with regards to emotions is that here is western culture they are considered to be a evolutionary mistake and what makes people bad so then people don't want to learn about what they are and before you know it you have a entie culture of people who are at war in denial about what is basically an essential part of the human existence low emotional intelligence is not a human thing its a cultural thing its taught I personally think its what causes duality it also makes people extremely easy to govern emotionally intelligent peoples are not so much

*Love* ♥️ that one ! 🐾🐾

Indeed putting the drink down after hitting my rock bottom was the easy part. Learning to live without any mind alterring substances. Learning to be responsible and accountable I can now see my behaviours using the spiritual tools.

I enjoy Les' down-to-earth approach, as he's very humble yet very informative. He's someone that I implicitly would trust.

Thank you so much for reminding me off to 3 truce in emotional sobriety I heard them before in my own sobriety but it's nice to be really connected with them so have a great day and I wish you kindness and wellness bless you

T-H-I-N-K True Helpful Insightful Necessary Kind

The 3 Gates!! Very True! Thanks for reminding Recovering Addict...sometimes I can't hit the pause button...Do I want to be part of the problem or part of the solution?...lol..Day at a time! Thank You My Friend 😎💜🌞☮🙏

This

It took me 4 months to realize that.

My fucking brothher wont change and its fucking me up but better xontinue with MY life If he doesnt wanna change and ruins his, ill go to sleep knowing i offered him help more rhab enough times

Most of the examples weren't too offensive, unless correcting. Someones mistake is wrong. But you're example is extremely insulting- because, as you said, it invalidates the emotions someone feels, by extension invalidating that persons entire being. The only exception would be mistaken information leading someone to those emotions. But in that case, you're not dismissing another persons perspective, you're informing it.

“You’re imagining things.” Is another one and “That’s not the way it happened.” Or my very favorite when they are wrong and you confront them, “Why are you living in the past?” I need resolution, that’s how I am. When people hurt my feelings, (whether or not they believe I’m “too sensitive “ because, yes, some of us EMPATHS are more sensitive.) I do expect them to take accountability and APOLOGIZE. If we all lived the a Golden Rule, we would have Paradise on earth. Unfortunately we are not all willing or capable yet.

My parents never actually said that, but I interpreted the phrases that were used as meaning: any feelings, except those we consider to be appropriate, aren't worth talking about/hearing about/dealing with.

My in-laws do this all the time. lol Even when I was pregnant; or they would use my pregnancy as an excuse for my reactions even when I would be as upset if not pregnant. I thought they were "normal" compared to my family so I did feel I was being too sensitive until over time I realised that behavior caused my husband to have a lot of issues (so he told me), and we both have troubled families. I didn't need to hinder my feelings because they were too uncomfortable with them.

I will remember to say that next time that happens.

Hahaha! This is the funniest comment section yet on one of Dr. Carter's much appreciated videos.

My father would discuss topics like that; hed start with "oh I dont know about that" then dispute or argue points 🤔...

Throw in some booze, and this was Thanksgiving at my house growing up.

R we siblings???

You have the loveliest family. About like mine. Just lovely. So pleasant to be around. I'm so looking forward to seeing them again somewhere around 2525.

Ironically, posting that kind of crap is a perfect example of why you shouldn't be watching this video. It is all about you isn't it? If we don't want to watch it it's on us. Sheesh.

Thanks for that Beckala67 :)

@Jan Williamson there ya go.

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!

So if a friends says they are gonna sell everything buy a sailboat and sail around the world, even though they have never been on a sailboat. I’m not to say “your gonna do what? “. Or a fellow says I’m gonna rob a bank, so I’m not supposed to say “why don’t you consider getting a job?”. Thank you for recording the list. I use some of these phrases, so I guess I’m emotionally not intelligent. It seems strange that if I don’t use these phrases that I’m automatically more emotionally intelligent. Doesn’t context play a roll? Don’t we all count on our friends to keep us from bad ideas that would harm us? Like a pretty girl that is drunk walking to a biker bar in a bad neighborhood? Shouldn’t a friend say” your going to do what? God bless.

It is great that you are aware of it now though. Keep trying your best to improve yourself. Each new day is another opportunity. Wishing you good luck :)

Being self aware is key. That’s the first step to recognize.

Antonni, I realised I behave not well only around them because I still hate them. But in reality to other people I'm very nice. But to them... Whoever would hear me around exactly them would think I'm horrible person and that's just not my real nature. I've been traumatised by them so many times. It's not a wonder they trigger me. The best thing to do : not be around them and let them go from your life completely. Our souls were not created by them, they are just people who got merit to take care of God's gift and failed to do so, instead treating us inhumanely. No place for anything right there.

At least you are honest about your situation. Do not be too hard on yourself, because you were probably "programmed" at a very young age. Learning how to de-program, recognize dysfunctional behaviors, recognize baiting, with the proper counselor/therapist can do wonders ! Good luck ! It took me decades to realize what had happened, and continues to transpire within my own family and elsewhere !

Oh thats interesting. I havent noticed it. But...I dont like sitcoms either. Never have.... they all sounds to me like mambo jambo. I cant even concentrate on the dialog...its just super boring for me...even Friends. Thought i was the only one.

I'm realizing now 99% of soap opera characters have the lowest EQ possible. "I had no other choice!" seems to be in every script.

Agreed. We can see straight through this bs. Its not a scale or quotient at all. Its a conformist measure by the politically correct to attempt to railroad others into behaving and communicating as they wish and see fit. Fail to conform and you're "low EQ" Most importantly, EVERYTHING can be excused with "BUT FEELINGS!" Guess who brought this kind of crap to the forefront? Its no accident the timeline of these developments

Sit coms are the McDonald's of television. Cheap, easy, predictable, but you know it's rubbish.

The sitcom conversations tend to be not much more than an exchange of snarky remarks, I have noticed. Very much the same thing, in that the comments made are (or would be) hurtful and not recognized as such.

Jean McCoard oooooohhhhh so good. When someone says that I know immediately what they are and to stay away

Jean McCoard I feel like that expression is very callus because it’s implying that you won’t even try to change the bad things about yourself and that the other person has no choice in the matter.

Yeah.. that hurts reading that

If that's the way they're willing to live, the question is this: is that the way they're willing to die?

Well, we are only human.

This is one of my extreme pet peeves too! I get that people want you to be free and are perhaps resisting the urge to be a control freak if not avoid being too persuasively aggressive even in a good way. It just makes me feel dismissed on my intentions to be both free spirited and compassionate to others bravely. I’ve luckily had an experience with two female dentists that talked to me thoughtfully while my mouth was sealed shut, it was very heartwarming to overhear them have empathy and no judgement for me while I could not speak. And you don’t just want your leaders or romantic partners to be this way either. Always look for the seed of equivalent benefit all through even expecting the best of others, and it will spread encouraging influence like a charm. Besides I never liked growing up with everyone telling me what mattered or didn’t, and I certainly hated being seen as selfish (even if I was irresponsible). Because the way I see it, I deliberately wish people cared about even the things they don’t realize I love them for trying to.

It’s an outgrowth of a heavy victim mindset

Petty tyrants express petty jealousy for your one small victory.

Some people live their lives in a race or feel they have to meet goals, success in order to feel something, get some place. They will be unhappy or emotionally detached irregardless of their circumstances.

I cant say for certain, especially as a layperson completely ignorant of psychology. But i recall seeing a christmas photo of a big family where i commented 'must be nice'. I think it was a mixture of things. Jealousy because ive never had that (potential victim complex as previously mentioned) but i dont think it was vindictive jealousy, probs more envy than jealousy? I dunno how much of a difference there is between the two though. Also kinda felt jaded, as it was (undeliberately) another reminder of what others have and what i dont. And the pattern of being a 'have not person'. Or at least percieved pattern. I dunno. It wouldnt surprise me if it were either depending on the context

Yes, can you believe Kobe Bryant has his own private helicopter & pilot? Must be nice depends on your perspective in life.

Lucinda...me too 🤐

That's exactly right. This reaction drives one particular family membe of mine nuts and I love it 😆. Kill em' with a smile or kindness,and walk away when necessary. Works like a charm

Me too! I am always asking God to put a guard on my mouth but sure enough ! have to say something back to my narcissistic husband which does absolutely no good!

Yes, agree with them and then do what you want--if you're in a position where you can get away with that.

I do it too because some people tend to feel alone in their problems and in a society where we have support groups, we do this to remind them they do have support from people of similar experience and we are there for them if they need us. Again, this reflects on the It Takes a Village to raise not just a child, but also adults with recoccuring childhood traumas.

For years, I've done it too for the same reasons, trying to relate. But I can see how people might think I'm redirecting the conversation back to myself so I just let them talk now.

Guilty as well. Until a few years ago I thought what I was doing was letting them know that I was in a similar situation as well and I didn’t want to think of themselves as being alone. I realize now that they mostly just need someone to listen and let them know your there, and I was just lessening their experience😔. I wish we were taught these things in school….a class on how to get along, awareness of others different family/ethnic backgrounds can make their reality different than yours, how to show/give respect, set healthy boundaries and conflict resolution to be a productive member of society.

Me too. My children point it out to me and say that I always draw back to me.

I'm very late to the conversation, but I've had a lot of experience with No. 11 "that reminds me..." In fact, just yesterday I was having lunch with someone, who used almost that same line while I was telling him a story. But I think there is a difference in HOW you use it. In the examples before my comment, you people seem to be using the line as a way to relate to someone who is feeling down, as you don't want them to think they are alone in their burden. Now it is just my opinion, but I think that actually shows high EQ, as it demonstrates you are able to predict what someone might be feeling (in this case loneliness, shame or guilt), and are attempting to alleviate their pain. That said, it is important to let the other person fully express themselves, without interruption, before adding your own story. In the case of my friend, he had asked me a question, and before I had fully finished giving my answer and expressing myself, he interrupted, made a joke, then went on to say "that reminds me of my childhood, when....". I think that is the difference, and a situation where the "that reminds me of...." is a sign of someone not really listening or interested in what the other person has to say.

LilyOfTheTower thank you! Was looking for this:) 😇🙏🏾

Doing the good work.

Thanks for posting this!

Uh, this is me???.... 😞 damn, guess my parents taught me...well. wow!

@@zoeylatshaparker99 sometimes kids raised by narcissists can adopt narc traits as a coping strategy i believe. Dont beat yourself up!! You cared and had enough insight to admit that you do those things!! Thats a great start to healing 😊 xxx

yes like its the opposite of "hurt people hurt people". When you become even a little more emotionally aware you stop being part of the problem and become part of the solution, no matter how slight, it makes a difference.

Right on, Guy!

Agree. What I thought were poor social skills is more broadly a low EQ problem.

Ugh - I know. Like grief has ever been about the one who left.

Sure! That’s wonderful for him. Of course that’s great that he’s in a better place. But uhhhh hello! He is not here. Haha 😂 and now this place sucks absolutely! And btw not planning on being in that better place for quite some time! It’s okay to not say anything. It’s okay to listen 👂🏻. It’s imperative!

Believe it or not, there are people out there who are not childishly self-centered. For them reminding themselves that their loved one is in a good place and not suffering anymore, is a deeply comforting thought. They are willing to sacrifice their own selfish needs of still having had that person around to benefit from them in whatever ways they used to, and shift their focus on keeping a spiritual bond with their deceased loved one, who is no in a better place without worries and pains of physical life on earth.

@@thetroopoftruth4820 Really, what if the person wasn't suffering? What if it was a sudden death, a car accident or a murder? You lose your child and someone you barely know thoughtlessly blurts out "he's. In a better place".

@@TheSunUpInTheSky That term is usually given as support for a grieving friend or family member. Kind of like wrapping one's arm around someone else shoulder and patting their hand. They honestly do mean well. They just dont know what else to say at the time.

Kathleen Miess I usually catch my impulse to want to do that, but I’m amazed at how often the desire to tell my own experience pops up. I think this one is a very natural human tendency that comes from an innocent place, however, if not governed can seem like a conversation hijack. Instead of staying mute, let the other person tell their story. At the end maybe you can share yours, or just agree and say your experiences are similar.

@@davidkepke1435 yep, and the longer I live, the more things I get reminded of! But I can wait to tell my story 🙂

Me too. I have need to be more aware and considerate.

I’m sad to say I have done that to and now I know I was hijacking as well

Same for me

I've been guilty too. Maybe we all have.

Jenny Hellstrom i get where he’s going with this because most of the time when people say these things it’s coming from a point of negativity. However, two people could say the literal exact same words but it can come off as positive or negative. It always depends on the context of the situation. Social interactions are never black and white where you can just memorize a list like this

Same here

Don't bother. Its propaganda. Don't listen to this rubbish. Do you, the best way you can and the way you want. This crap will get you nowhere

Everyone uses some of these phrases sometimes. If you use them habitually, it's a problem.

One of the worst ones! Ugh!

Also, when someone insists they understand how you feel better than you do yourself

Is another form of gaslighting

@@danartofficial I would possibly only say that to people with my personality.

Damn my mom uses that on me all the time.

The most over-used buzzphrase in the history of movies lol

But some people don't.

More likely it is vise versa.

Agree mostly but a few of them are reasonable things to say in the right context. Just one example: I’ve a brother who never takes responsibility for his actions. This has caused significant problems with his wife who he has a kid with. He also lies about the most inane things. He’s gotten arrested for dui, driving while high on weed, driving while high on meth (all three separate instances), etc. as the oldest of four brothers I decided to get involved and called him to talk about why he’s doing these things. He immediately starts lying about his arrests (which are public record), and deflecting blame, talking over me, playing the victim, etc. it was an onslaught of just narcissistic rage at being called out. I finally interrupted with “STOP! Just STOP Johnnie!” And then we had a somewhat productive conversation, so no, I don’t buy that all these phrases are the result of low EQ.

@@alexblaze8878 he said there are some situations where this would be appropriate and he offered a situation very similar to yours as an example.

Kayte you’re right. I rewatched the video.

My two brothers & my Mom

Sure, but hostilty and aggression has it's place, when dealing with people that behave like they are trying to prove themselves hopeless, more or less. If behave like shit you are going to get shit back, that's nature.

She’s not your friend.

Everyone dies , it's best just to understand that death isn't necessarily a bad thing. Things need to die so other things can live. This includes people too.

@@jeandarnell1531 hopefully you ditched her.

Also. Sounds like she's afraid of death and can't cope.

Show empathy. Not facts.

Well noticed.

That is a really good observation.

Monica, thank you for that post. Perhaps EQ is discerning and engaging, rather than isolation and smothering. May cure half of the mental illness out there. Let me go declutter some barriers.

Its called Toxic Positivity, and the reason why all my parents/adult siblings have no relationships with each other.

Yes that really stinx, like they had NO respect for your feelings, BUT u and sibs I am sure had to respect ur parents feelings. This sh*% goes on. . . I lost a wonderful lady friend of 6 yrs who passed away and my sister told me it was satan making me sad. like what planet did she just come from? Her and the other sister are very much into religion and from what I have seen, there is a fair bit of hypocrisy there.. . It is said that when religion comes into some lives, it pushes compassion out . . .that is sad.

@@raymondgarafano8604 Yes, my family is fundamentalist christian. You hit the nail on the head and I didnt even mention religion. Religion ruins family relationships if you dont tow the line..then they seperate and blame Satan...but shunning is just a form of Social Control and too bad Christian Culture never recognizing that Shunning never works for the 99.9% of us that leave religion for other reasons than Satan.

@@pcb8059 YUP some have no issues saying, "You don't know what ur talking about. Or being told, you don't call it that you call it this, I'm half-way thru my 60's and she is telling me what word/s to use. Yes I resent it. It isn't trying to educate me, it's trying to control me. I don't tell anyone what word/s to use or not use. I don't tell anyone they don't know what they are talking about if it is about anything but volts and amps, even then I can say ,"I've seen a lot in the electrical world but nothing like what you say, Is a nicer way to put it and still has the meaning that what they are saying so does not jive electrically.

ArizonaWillful that's sad - it can be really hard to fathom some reactions from family members. It is very hard to really ever know another human being, and why they do and say things that we wouldn't dream of doing or saying to someone who matters to us...

Sounds like my father. Sorry, I know it hurts and I can't offer any advice other than to encourage you to continue on your journey sans his help.

How about a flat out “No.” from a first lifetime ask for help. And the last.

My parents were never satisfied with me, either. I was exceptionally well-behaved, yet I was always getting yelled at. 😬

Keep working at breaking the cycle! :) Good for you!!

Hello twin! I’ve found that sarcasm is the poker tell, and I’ll not play their game 💋

I agree with you on that one. I think there's a difference between cutting someone off to tell a similar story about you just to make it about you, and trying to connect with the emotion of a similar experience. Especially if you wait until they're done telling the story and how they felt about it.

I agree with you Jennifer. While I can see how HE may believe it to be inappropriate to make comparisons or share a similar story but he is a therapist and it is a very different situation in his case as compared to having a conversation with someone in a casual situation. I used to hijack the conversation in this way and looking back I can see how it could be perceived as insensitive and possibly even construed as intending to one-up the person your speaking with. As I've aged I've come to realize that it was just a simple matter of tact and that my intent was never to one-up, hijack or be insensitive..my intention was simply to relate and empathize but my tact was lacking. When these situations arise now I make sure to listen to the conclusion and I make sure not to be thinking of what I'm going to say while the person is speaking. I think that was a big problem that I had also was while a person was speaking to me... I would be thinking about what I was going to say next rather than listening. Which by the way is a great way to pick up on the character traits of a person. A person that looks like they are not listening to you and is very quick to respond to something you have said ...it's because they were not listening to you because they were busy thinking about what they would say to you next. Usually a sign of a narcissist or someone with passive aggressive tendencies. Admittedly, I used to be both. A near death experience along with some hard life lessons, some suffering and some humility cured me of both and I'm a much better person for it.

I used to do that and then I found a better way. I think of what the person is saying and ask myself what I can say to enrich their feelings about that experience. Usually, I find a proverb or a funny saying does the trick. I did this once with a friend who I met for coffee. They spent most of the time talking and I would sometimes add little comments like this when it was appropriate. I think I spoke for about 1% of the time. Later, my friend told me, "I so enjoyed our coffee outing the other day! We have to do it again!" That's when I realised, people have the most fun when getting to talk about themselves and being listened to - appreciated and even celebrated. This was the beginning of my new life as an active listener.

I remember reading somewhere that neurodivergent individuals often try and identify with others by bringing up similar experiences in a conversation, not to intentionally hijack the conversation, but to try and show that they understand how the other person feels. Whereas neurotypical individuals will see that as trying to make the conversation about themselves or even worse trying to one up them.

Hi Jennifer. You are showing empathy but keep it brief (my experience.)

Agree. I’ve said this out of total frustration but can’t say it made any difference. The NARS kept on doing and saying hurtful things.

Apologies are for correcting negligent actions or comments. If someone doesn't like a righteous action or comment, that is no cause for an apology.

One has to be careful of mind reading. Sometimes people actually mean what they say.

Don't forget the ever-popular "I will pray for you." I know a few religious nuts who believe they hold a special inside track.

You guys are just too sensitive. paying attention to very trivial matters. Oh gosh, I just broke one of the rules... But, dang, you can get over it... Oh shit, I broke another one Anyway, what was I supposed to do?? My emotional intelligence is so wanting I've mistakenly hurt your feelings. I'm sorry you feel that way.

@@rr7firefly I hate that one about praying for someone. But if you're an atheist there's thang I know that will surprise you

Yes when people use this as an excuse for their actions rather than dealing with their actions. It is a cop out of accepting responsibility.

This one in particular drives me nuts too

That's how I feel everytime I see a Black LIves Matter protest. If black people would spend the same amount of time, energy, and resources to work on their own dreams and ambitions instead of this continual mantra of having no choices, everyone not black is against them, it's a conspiracy, it's been this way since slavery, and blaming society for anything that goes on in their lives. If I did that as a white person I'd be called a lazy ass narcissist with low EQ.

@@shadowmatrix0101 there are some great resources to help you understand their situation. Are you open to understanding more? Or more deeply?

@@taniarowan9152 blm is a marxist organization that doesn't actually give a crap about black lives. If they cared they'd start with the amount of black babies aborted every year

Hey, there are some awesome people out there. Meet a LOT of people and decide what are things that you value! Boldly be yourself and you will attract people who are similar to you! Keep it up!

Me too

@@georgehiggins1320 You sound like you spend a lot of time around children.

@@bentnickel7487 I have three nieces and a nephew and I love them to the moon!

Amen, sister!

I think that one was a confusing one... You can still use it as long as you actually LISTEN to the other person... and you don't interrupt them to run off with your story in the middle of it.... You can definitely still use it to connect. Even build a connector like "I love that story... it reminds me of the time..." -- that shows you listened and connected.... so no need to drop it...

I used to have an elderly neighbour who would say, 'bless your little black heart' if you helped him with his groceries or opened a door for him and such, but I don't think he was a narcissist. He was just a sweet old man with a lovely wife and a spoiled dog, lol.

I was thinking of the same phrase as I listened - but just "bless your heart". What does that mean????

@@connieeash7935 lol. Well it has several meanings; depending on how u wanna use it. For instance, u can say that when someone is having a tuff time, and you want to show empathy towards them. Or if someone is on a pity party, saying that would mean , you were being sarcastic, and not really giving them sympathy or empathy. 😫

I LOVED that phrase.

According to Mike Huckabee & several various personal southern friends of mine.

Lol. I'd respond with, "Have you been going through my trash?"

Brilliant!

Or you could say something like "well you've never felt anything in your life. How the hell would I know." But that would be rude crude and socially unacceptable. Ha ha. But don't worry one of the other readers will probably come along and tell you you're a shit. So don't worry about it....😎

Good one

Great comeback!

I did a workshop once about not allowing people to make you think YOU made them feel some way. He said you can feel that way, you can feel another way, you can have a hamburger. Its all up to you! I loved it and never forgot it even though current jargon these days is "How did that make you feel"?

Sister Alice-I MIGHT be able to top that one. My Narc father actually asked me if I couldn't be hypnotized so I wouldn't be hurt by his hurtful ways. Hypnotized so I wouldn't object to his hurting me? What do you think I was doing for the last 40 years?

I hate "you're being too sensitive." My mom would tell this to me when my cousin would say really nasty things to me and belittle me in front of my uncles and other family members (she usually wasn't there). I just hate how she refused to acknowledge the problem and basically told to deal with it but if I ever came close to talking to her like that, even if it was somewhat justified that, she would lose it. Good for you for dropping that guy btw. He sounds like he's fools gold.

When I'm talking to a friend that I know is very intelligent that is believing in an obvious conspiracy theory I have said: "I thought you were smarter than that".

Backhanded compliments! My favorite one is: “Help me understand...”

​@@joeblow9657 When one of his brothers told my favorite, calmest, smartest nephew "You're so SENSITIVE!" ... Mr. 'Sensitive' hurled a mug across the room, shouting: "I'll show you 'sensitive'!" [This nephew, decades older and a father, is now leading an Artificial Intelligence group. He is a great father, and is both sensitive and a terrific listener. We in his family all threaten to throw something, yelling: "I'll show you 'sensitive'!" whenever anyone points out the other as "too sensitive" instead of addressing an argument or problem directly. Arguments ad hominem attack character, when the real problem is a disagreement over an issue that should get hashed out, maybe with compromise or better explanations of needs and desires and fears.]

@@joeblow9657 That said, there is a difference between being overly sensitive and losing control. They can't make me embarrassed, they can't make me humiliated, Only I can do that. It's a bit like stage fright; just go out there and OWN that stage.

My momma always said this and she didn't say much but when she did I listened! Smart, loving woman

Now this is the truth

True, to a point.

Yeah I’ll ask someone what’s wrong with them if they are acting incredibly nuts 🥜

Nah, I just either compensate for their lack of (for example dealing with children) or don't bother if they don't react well to "easy" tests I give.

I feel like adjusting how much care a d effort you put into another person's emotions is a SKILL. One I struggle with lol.

I agree with you on that. You're trying to emulate their experience, relate to them, and stick with a general topic they might enjoy hearing about, instead of just starting an unrelated topic.

I have to believe that most of these are meant as context-based examples. Most of these are not inherently unhealthy or abusive but can easily be if used inappropriately.

Abraham Lincoln used this phrase throughout his life.

Exactly

I agree. I am generally perceived to be a helpful and sympathetic person, but in all the examples given except for number 12 which is just plain rudeness, I would be inclined to go straight to what this guy calls the covert message and say clearly what I think. Why not? I would only use the less direct phrase (implying what I really think) if the person looks like they might be hyper-sensitive, in obvious distress, or have an anger management problem.

Woah! 😳

OMG that's dreadful.

I'd consider myself much more logically oriented than emotional. So I can explain that kind of sentiment. There is certainly times that things could of been done better, but what is the worth of an apology if you don't even believe you did anything wrong? It is a hollow statement. Only made to satisfy others. I often find that people who take offense without someone acting to agitate usually have an issue of their own self security that creates the issue in the first place. I have a friend that tells me that the least I can do is say sorry a lot. I explain the above and they still want to hear it. I could say, "I meant no offense, I'm only pursuing productive outcomes, and I'll try to be more mindful of what you're saying." That doesn't even matter to him. It's much better than "I'm sorry" because it actually shows that there is a positive motivation behind the interaction and an acknowledgment that you take their perspective seriously. However, IT IS NOT an admission of guilt and I think that's ultimately what people want when they demand an apology.

How could he be your ex?

@@grandosprey6450 Well I understand what you mean bro but I'm pretty high in emotional intelligence. And I don't have this problem anymore because I know what offended them. So I just won't do it again. But anyway overly sensitive people aren't my friends so stuff like that wouldn't happen. By apologizing saying "I meant no offense.." you are sincere but for them it's like you don't admit ; not your mistake - but the fact that you offended them and it will piss them off. That's how they work..

Exactly what happened to me!!! 2 years and still feeling good about cutting her off. This is from a book by Dr. Sherrie Campbell ‘But it’s your Family’: Loving someone doesn’t always mean having a relationship with them, just like forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation. Reconciling, in many cases, only sets people up for more abuse. It’s a wonderful book. @Dee Matt

@@canadiangirrrrl It's a hard step to take but worth it. I weirdly find I miss her at odd times and then I immediately remind myself why I made the decision to keep her out of my life. Thank you for the author/title. I will look in to it. Fingers crossed I can get it at my library or from their library loan program.

@@Fernaleaha if you can’t find it, let me know...

Wow. Thank you for sharing. I'm having a tough time with some of my family; mainly my mother whom is a narcissist. I'm almost 40 and she's brought a lot of grief to my life through her selfishness and put-downs. She gets upset when she repeatedly makes poor decisions even when given guidance to make better decisions. She just wants to have fun and when the cost is too great (her job, her home, more debt etc) she blames ANYONE who doesn't agree that she is 100% a victim. I have a family of my own to take care of and she doesn't respect me, her grandchildren, my spouse....This year her mother is dying and she is behaving atrociously. I'm trying my best to stay in contact in a positive way but it's so taxing I might end up having to cut her out of our lives. I was finally very honest about how I have felt for a long time and gave examples of her poor behavior and she acts as if she never heard me and just blame shifts. I feel so so sad and a little guilty thinking of completely shutting her out but even talking to her less thus far and not stepping on egg-shells as much with her has already made me feel less anxious and depressed.

@@mikestarkly9226 Unfortunately, your mom is toxic. Focus on your family. Don't waste energy on a narcissist. She isn't going to change, no matter how much you reason with her. It's tough to break off ties, especially if a person is manipulative and makes you feel guilty. Keep up the good work and try not to feel guilty. You're doing yourself, your spouse, and your kids proud!

This is why I like animals better than people. They love unconditionally.

@@deb310red No they don't, you feed them and give them shelter and protection, that is conditional. However, they are endearing and fascinating!

@Paco Castellanos Exactly! Agree!

@@mtuz8356 But I wouldn't know who you are if it wasn't for YT.

Good luck getting anywhere in life doing that

Idk if I have ADHD or not, but this is how I communicate even though I try not to. Idk how else to relate to others

Amen. That's my mom

I wouldn't have watched it then lol. I would have gotten triggered just from thetitle

So basically people with low EQ are narcissists

Or simply, 12 ways to be rude.

@@Maddie9185 So people with little understanding speak in absolutes...

Now THAT is emotional intelligence.

You are a rare breed. I believe my husband has gotten to the point of realizing I, too, was in emotional and physical pain, and I want to commend you and encourage you to keep at it, because hurting people need people like you to understand and have compassion (yet firm boundaries) for them to heal.

You have very high EQ

Or I was just helping, when clearly they are not.

Good one! LOL

I love it 😉. So profound 😂

Yes but some times buttholes are too sensitive not saying u are......but my spouse sometimes is WAY TO SENSITIVE

yes sir.

"There's NOTHING wrong with me, what's wrong with you"?

You might try saying, "I understand, but I don't agree with you."

That is very condescending....

@@jeanetteh.9240 oh I definitely say it. I think he takes it very personally if you don’t like something he likes or have a different opinion. If someone doesn’t like the same thing I like or doesn’t have the same opinion as me, it doesn’t feel like a personal attack even remotely. To him, it does, and the only way he can cope is by thinking that perhaps that person just doesn’t get it.

But he has no other choice.

It seems very condescending to me. My brother who is a text book narcissist often says that to me. My response usually goes one of 2 ways. ” you're absolutely right, I do not understand why you feel that way so you've obviously done a really lousy job of presenting your case so, wanna try it again?” or "well if you can tell I don't understand then you should be able to discern that I'm not of your superior intellect therefore incapable of understanding. Could you please dumb it down for us intellectually inferior and try it again" Both comments usually achieve the same desired results...he shuts his mouth and we change the subject. Lol

Only if you call the other out with “History has repeatedly that no one can deal with close-minded people.”

THIS. Someone with authority please adopt and carry on this idea already.

You "never" say any of these? You sound like a robot.

MillieT that’s what I often get compared to. It’s fine though, I’d rather concisely communicate 🙌🏻

Probably I am ASD too (never diagnosed), and I never use this phrases too.

@@jazon85k my former therapist said I might have ASD because of the way I talk and think. I don't think I've said these. Normally I'm more straightforward when I think or know someone is wrong (which happens a lot lately when talking to uncompassionate or anti-science people about any current events going on).

LOVE THIS!!!

I get what you’re saying, though there’s a big difference between someone interrupting you to tell their story vs someone listening to you and then making a connection to your story. That is what conversations are, especially between friends, family and familiar folks. You’re not just sharing ideas (robotic your turn, my turn, your turn, my turn) but you’re also synchronously building upon each other’s ideas.

We have one of those people in our extended family. Any time someone relates an experience, she has to jump in and tell you how she went through something that was even more interesting/successful/difficult/funny/sad/challenging/unique... and she does this with a fixed gaze like a dear in headlights. The reality is that she is desperately insecure and needs to be able to connect with the family, but her strategy has the opposite effect. I cringe inwardly when, for example, she tries to describe something that she found funny and then chuckles (alone) at her story. Thankfully most of the family are sympathetic and don’t treat her harshly.

I do that. I'm working on it.

Best not do this when the person can terminate your employment, however.

I guess I am that person and I am agreeing with you.

Christine... but on the other hand maybe u do? it wont be a boring relationship and a little pain never hurt anybody :)

bingo

@@fredworthmn ooof, how am I supposed to interpret that?

I think I will tell my husband this the next time he blows up on .e

Mine too.

devaski same with me, and probably a huge reasons why we stumbled on this channel

I think mine too because I am saying a lot of things to my daughter and now I see how important this is going to be to raise my eq...

Same.

I hear you on constantly hearing those phrases from my mother.

There are only two kinds of fair..my mom said ..the county fair and the state fair.. now get over it !!!!!

@@futonfave LoL 🤣 good one I'd never heard before!

@@futonfave )))) +++

Very healthy comment!

Same!

Ditto

Hate that one

I must stop saying this too.

Depends on context

I cannot stand when she says this. It sounds so innocent, it sounds like shes sympathizing with me

Better to say: "That must feel awful." "Oh, what a terrible loss." "You have a lot of hurt in your life -- I am so sorry." But you have to mean it... and then listen. Some stories are painful to listen to, but we honor and acknowledge pain and unfairness when we listen.

Bet you're delighted she's your "ex"!

Most psychology students go there to understand what "normal" is. Most are quote dysfunctional.

@@madelainepetrin1430 most psychologist you had not even know of as to have the authority to say such a thing with any reaponsability and no fact proven knollage base on serious study.

Sorry your partner been like that. A person that had taken a degree or study of any type of profession do not determent what there values and behavior will have ones graduated. It don't mean they are truelly professional in that area they study. That happends in all profession. Education is really a option of knollage so a person choose to use it , live what they learn and or act out what they learn. Since is a option a person don't have to really choose or even remamber it later even if they had been "trained" to be civil and ethical. But I do feel your concern in that it should not happend but it do happend. Same time I can tell by own experience doing investigation with the method of observation on a university that specialize on psychology that most (not all but a lot) students psychologist there and there professors had really consider emotional intelligence a very important educational tool in there profession and there life and would avoide been insensitive to other people.

Bob James, Yes, that behavior is pathological and it’s called Narcissistic Blindness. I know someone who is a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner however he refuses to look at his own dysfunction and insists that he is “always right” and “smarter than others”... I’m just grateful he’ll never have me as his “patient”!!!

a variation of 'look what u made me do;' grow up

@@rosemaryus-ct6151 wow, looks like I could use some EQ...and a sense of humor and irony as well.

I support you in your statement. Saying something like that is often the first step toward improvement. This was 2 weeks ago. Have you noticed any changes since then?

I was once engaged in the 'dance of death' with a co-worker. I finally realized that defending myself from her barbs actually incited her making things worse for me and that I could keep things from escalating by not engaging. I pinned a small safety pin at the hem of my shirt and every time she made a cutting remark I would touch that pin and say to myself, "the reason this is called a SAFEty pin is because it is CLOSED, don't open your mouth and you will be safe". Corny? You bet, but it worked! The best comeback is silence.🤐😉

"Grow up" should be one of the phrases featured in this video imo

I literally spit out my tea. As soon as it started this was my first thought.

Or in my case my mother in law

LOL. My oldest, adult son has often said to me, 'it must be nice', when his stepdad and I would go on a trip, or got a new car, etc. The first few times I let it go, but it hit me the wrong way one time and he's never said it again. I told him, 'well, if you managed your money better, you might be able to do some things too.' I also told him 'that we've worked hard for our money and we intend to spend it the way we want to!' LOL. I don't think he even realized how it came across when he said it, until I pointed it out to him. He said was sorry.

I can relate. I'm sorry for you. No one should have to listen to this subtle (or blatant) form of abuse because that is exactly what it is even though you could never convince them it is anything derogatory. These people are much too smart, sophisticated, etc to be abusers. I mean, really, what's your problem anyway.

🙋🏽

Sounds like a perfect class for high school kids. It's about time a curriculum teaches something useful.

I agree with this as well...they are just saying what they really mean and trying to make you feel foolish for bein

A "friend" of mine told me I was too picky because I have food allergies and have to avoid certain items. When I defended myself, she replied, "yes you are, picky, picky, picky." In reality, I was an adventurous eater until I developed this problem and am saddened by what I can no longer eat.

Same here but it does not justify the physical and emotional violence she brought upon us.

Yep me too!

And then avoid them like they had leprosy.

Just to point out- no one has the ability to "make" anyone feel anything. However, we can check in with ourselves to see how we feel when we are around certain people. Those are two different things. 🙂

I would rather someone be honest with me than tell me what i want to hear. Because fact's don't give a damn about my feeling's or anyone's feeling's. Even if it hurt's my feeling's as long as they are right i will respect them for not being a kiss ass. But that's just me though. I respect honestly over being touchy and feely.

@@shanestrickland5006 Well, then maybe you won't mind if your grammatical errors are pointed out. LOL. There's no need for apostrophes on plural words. 😁

@@VioletJoy No i don't mind at all. I know i have problem's with written grammer. Because i have disorder of written expression. But you had no way of knowing this. Since KZfaq made it harder to leave link's just Google what that is.

Maybe you are nobody.

You're nobody till somebody loves you.....been there, done that

that reminded me of this guy who stalked me years ago, he followed me around downtown and in the library and he wanted to go for coffee i said no, and he kept it up, and said to me no one refuses my offer for coffee, I said well I just did. I am not inerested. he finally left me alone thank goodness he wasnt one of those psychotypes who murder your when you dont do as they feel you should.

I gotta say that in my opinion this sentence has it's uses. Like when establishing a hard limit on someone that has been shitting on you. It may not be the best, but some things are out of line to say

That's an ALPHA vs ALPHA. We are all different yet special. To get along all it takes is love and respect for each other. Strong minds are rare these days, so we must help and give respect to those who aren't.

My dad frequently asked, "Why can't you be like [your brother]?"

My mother used to say, Why can’t you be like the others. Two sisters one brother. No thanks.

Knowing what we know now proves mothers aren't always right.

@@TheSunUpInTheSky but they are also damaged or they would have the sensitivity to not continue it. Dory Previn wrote a song once about taking it back to blame the Empress of China because this stuff goes waaaay back.

The problem isn't the question; it's that Mother didn't try to answer it for herself.

That's Trump.

That one is used under duress. Dealing with a narcissistic, raging person...it comes out. I have to let them know I'm not willing to discuss something any further because they are screaming into my face.

I think he meant in that horrible either negative either selfish manner people use it only to draw attention on themselves. Words might be same but intention is what counts and is being felt.

100%!!

Well, it is something that shuts me up. So many people use 11. It's a big pet peeve of mine. You can check if someone is really interested in you by staing quite after people talk about themselves... If they don't steer the conversation back to you, it's a toxic "That reminds me of..."

Irene Juhasz - I just realized I do that too. I thought I was relating but now see it for what it is Ive got work to do

done that every now an then, when I heard about it, I felt embarrassed.

I think there's nothing wrong in "hi-jacking" as long as you can turn the discussion back to the original topic. Of course it's no longer actual hi-jacking then, it's more like reflecting the other peoples talks with your own experiences.

I was taught that a good way to demonstrate empathy, and allow the other person to realize that you can genuinely commiserate was to share a scenario which would be either identical or quite comparable. Not necessarily to steal their thunder or ‘hi-Jack’ the convo, as one’s own story can be shared AFTER the initial party has concluded the telling of their own original share. And I read, in some of the commentary, here, that others were apparently taught that, as well. Additionally, I had read, in some of the comments, that some others felt closer to someone who had been through the similar experiences. I, too, have genuinely felt closer to a friend who confides that they have been through a similar hardship. I was taught that it’s actually a form of misery loving company.

I do it too sometimes. Partly because I want to keep the conversation going and partly because I like to talk about myself. Will work on it.