I am SO excited to announce that I've launched a 4+ hour relationship skills course: psychologywithdrana.learnworlds.com/course/the-connection-course For those of you who like videos such as this one and want more, definitely check it out :)

Ironically, I think it’s easier to have a healthy detachment when you have more attachments with people, because each one becomes a smaller piece of the pie. If you only have one close friend, then if you were to lose that friend, you lose the entire pie. If you have several close friends, then even if you were to lose one, you still have others. That doesn’t fully erase the grief of losing that one friend, but it does soften the blow significantly. I had a friend once who put a lot of pressure on me to be her “best friend,” and it made me resentful of her because while I did enjoy hanging out with her, I had a lot more going on in my life at the time and could not be as available as she wanted me to be. I felt like I was her only friend and therefore I had to be her best friend. That’s a lot of pressure.

"i could be at the lowest possible point, not my best self, and they would still accept me, love me and want to be by my side. That is true emotional intimacy. It is the ability to be emotional with someone, to be not your best self and to still feel safe. If you dont have true intimacy in a friendship then what you have isnt a friendship, it's just someone chasing stimulation alongside you"

You know a friendship is over when all you ever do with that friend is talk about the past. And you know your friendship is over when they tell you "You've changed."

My dad described true friendship to me as a kid that still stuck with me because it’s so true: “A best friend is someone who you call at 2AM because your car broke down and you need a ride. And if they can’t personally pick you up, they do whatever it takes to help you get a ride.”

I have realized now that I almost always was the desperate person, both in friendships I had/wanted and in relationships I wanted. Then when I finally let go of desperately wanting a boyfriend, I met my future bf. It's pretty painful to think about all the things I did in high school for people that didn't even want to be friends, like making a cake or some gift for their birthday, or giving them my notes, or helping them with a test... I also repeatedly had narcissistic best friends, who didn't care about my goals or my happiness either. One of them was basically trying to compete with me in everything (learning languages, sports, etc). Probably that's what was familiar, since both my dad and brother have narcissistic personalities. I really don't have many friends now and I'm starting to feel okay with it, but I'm still trying to find friends through my hobbies, but not like I did in high school. Everyone is busy so I cherish when we have some fun time together.

my friendship lesson is now to avoid anyone with a cluster b personality disorder. Noone should ever, ever have any type of power over you through indirect or direct manipulative behaviour.

I used to ‘chase’ people way too much in friendships and dating and have had to take a step back and stop because as you say, people don’t respect you. Also I think my chasing kept certain people in my life who didn’t particularly want to be there. Sometimes I still feel that tug. I have one friend who I think is so amazing but she puts very little energy into the friendship and I often feel the temptation to reach out…and don’t. I remind myself of my close friends who put as much energy into the friendship as I do and how much better that is and it helps me let go.

“Take chances on people based on how they make you feel rather than what they have to offer.” 🙌

Great video and great insight. Friendships aren’t talked about enough. I feel like a lot of people today focus on romantic relationships only and forget how valuable our friendships are as well

That Buddhist detachment approach is honestly so terrifying for me. I feel like my state of being is always waiting for the other shoe to fall. Whether it's losing a friend, a job, or just any constant in my life, it's just an undercurrent of stress for me. The worst part is that I know things in life aren't permanent, so it turns from a fear into a dread....not an if but when. I've watched these videos for a while, but that detachment concept really struck deep.

Ana, you have no idea how helpful this video has been for me. I have fearful- avoidant attachment and through my healing, I’ve watched so many videos about how you have to completely detach from people. This just made my avoidance worse. I would tell myself, “what’s the point in having relationships if I’ll never feel attached to people?” Now, I’ve realized that attachment is healthy as long as I can healthily detach if that person is no longer good for me. It’s still a confusing topic for me, but this video brought a lot of clarity. Thank you 💜

Ana, it’s so hard to put into words the difference culture makes in accessing friendships. With my African and most Muslim friends we don’t keep tabs on who did what for whom nearly as much as when I interact with Americans (of any race). In Nigeria and Saudi the love felt true and deep and made me whole. If the tea lady down the street hasn’t seen you in a few days, she coming to your house to make sure you’re ok. There is a generosity of time and spirit that is so lacking in current Western culture. These societies are far from perfect, but when it comes to love and friendship, there is no comparison here in the USA. Am I the only one who has experienced this?

I think the flip side of this is important too (though maybe harder to see): who are your friends who you don't really care if they will succeed or not? or who do you judge? Etc. I've been noticing that with quite a few of my broken friendships over the years, there's reciprocal resentments/ etc, it's not just the other person's fault (which is a potential danger with this line of thinking, of who doesn't have my best interests in their heart?) Sometimes we have to flip and be really honest with ourselves that we don't have their interests at heart either. Connection is connection, it can't be faked.

There is a time when you feel so bad about yourself that you can' t really celebrate success of other people, cuz it remains you of your failures, it' s not because you' re not happy for them, it' s not envy. So it' s not always malicious.

In reality, I think our friends would be our kin but the atomisation of Western society means that most westerners have a broken lineage and marry any old random person and don't feel any obligation to live near their own family. People in poorer, more traditional societies don't have this 'loneliness epidemic'

You seem genuinely hurt when talking about your friends not checking out your book! I might be wrong but from your past videos, I get the feeling that you haven't had a lot of good friends in your life who support or value you as a person! You mentioned in one of your past videos that friends are replaceable and it really broke my heart. When the right friend or friends come along, it is one of the most wonderful things, and that sort of platonic connection is truly like none other. I really hope you can find a new social group that uplifts you through all life's highs and lows.

I think I currently struggle the most with the fact that I don't have a healthy attachment to anyone and that makes it incredibly hard to not only find that connection with someone, but connecting with people at all. Either I feel like I'm too much for the other person or it's draining for myself. The lack of confidence and security that I bring to a friendship creates an extra barrier, I feel, and I don't really know how to overcome it at this point.

I have no friends but I'm not focused on finding any. I value my alone time and peace.

I would love some healthy attachment videos ~~ I used to be a huuuge gearful avoidant now I still feel like crawling a bit at times byt I have to many supportive reliable, gentle with me people so grateful ❤❤ Love what u do out here, thank u for lighting a flame so we can see your path more clear .

You lost me a little when u said that if someone messaged you everyday you would think you had the "upper hand". I would think we don't have the same energy or whatever the reason i don't respond or match that energy with them and be open with me and them that probably the friendship wouldn't work because of it and leave it at that. I would not keep them at hand or think they are less for keep trying? I would probably think they have a very good self steam actually! because trying and getting rejected and trying again is a really brave thing! And sometimes it does work! And sometimes people are busy or actually don't have the time, "reject" is not always the same thing. People tend to wonder why someone keeps inviting them, and often it's because their "reject" is "haha omg i can't this week, maybe next". You are the one not being transparent, and they are maybe trusting you. Of course, if you are open and actually say, "hey, I'm not at all interested," and they keep trying i would feel mostly pestered lol, but i think that is a different case. Everyone has different time in their lives, and we are always not honest enough with ourselves and, as a consequence, other people. but that reflects more on us than them, i think. idk

Ugh, this is all so real. I'm also in a place where I have basically zero social circle, so I appreciate the reminder to be more intentional when making new friends (and when nurturing my existing, long-distance friendships). I love your mental health journal, by the way! I'm almost halfway done with my Season! :D

Its amazing how when u quit old habits like drinking and drugging how your friends disappear

"someone chasing stimulation alongside you" is a catchy phrase

If my friend wrote a book I would be so excited for her! People are going to care more about their own success but they should show up when you accomplish things. It's important to be there for the good times and the bad times.

I think something painful to consider/come to terms with is that some ppl don’t want to be in the position to lie about other’s work and so the solution is to avoid it if they sense any possibility they won’t like it and can’t handle the cognitive dissonance or the honesty. The sad thing of course is that they don’t even bother to find out, they just decided already the uncertainty wasn’t worth supporting you. I say this as someone who has felt this impulse really strongly even when I’m good friends with someone.

i love how you described reckless behavior…. i will use this to describe how i feel about people who don’t mask in public spaces and still go to super spreaders. i have no interest in trying to hold friendships with people who have no solidarity with me as a disabled person during a pandemic.

Thank you for this! I've been struggeling with my social circle and loneliness for years. And your videos give me more insight than my therapist has been giving me.

Re: party culture, something that's helped me is reframing the way I view party interactions. I can appreciate that some strangers, classmates, acquaintances, etc. had interesting conversations with me, hit the dance floor with me, walked home with me **for that night** If that's my expectation, I won't be disappointed. A "drinking buddy" is exactly a drinking buddy the way a "work friend" is a work friend. Also, even as someone who enjoys going out and drinking, I'm also conscious that there are many countries and cultures that don't have an alcohol drinking culture (e.g. Middle East), so alcohol being THE social lubricator isn't a universal truth. Another lesson I've learned re: friendships is needs play out in a similar way as they do in romantic relationships. The detachment level is greater as a friend and the net we tend to cast for friends is wider than for romantic partner. Still, it's important to ask yourself what your needs are in a friendship. Do they provide the level of emotional support you need? Do you communicate about conflicts the same way? Etc.

Thank you for discussing this topic. Often times, I feel the subject of romantic relationships are valued, way above friendships.

Your frank descriptions of your perspective and experiences are incredibly relatable. No shit I've never heard anyone so clearly articulate these points.

I've found that when I'm at a low and overly judge myself I may also overly judge others, in a sort of sense of judgemental caution? I try to catch myself in it because if I'm less fearful of how others perceive me I also less defensively perceive myself in relationship to others? that's where my detachment need comes in I think with being potentially misperceived at the strangers-stage it's such a tricky thing to regulate self-esteem wounds when it feels like there's still a bit of a learning-curve to go through with making friends but ultimately it's so worthwhile to learn more about it🦇

You got nice cadence and safe /smooth voice with practical wise advice

Remember though, you arent that selfish, so not everyone else is either. There are many different types of people. Unfortunately I'm like you too, lol. That's maybe another reason why I find you so helpful and informative .

Oof, Ana, I really needed this video 😅 In early 2021, I moved to Brazil (from the US) when I was 25-years-old and lived there for two years for work. My attitude when I arrived was that I didn’t want to have any regrets. I wanted to say yes to everything, try my hardest to make local friends, date, do all the things, go all the places, carpe diem, etc. I left Brazil earlier this year, have reflected a lot on my time there and I’m realizing that my approach to relationships wasn’t always the healthiest. I operated out of a place of desperation. While the two years were life-changing and I had some incredible experiences, I also stayed in relationships and dynamics for way too long in an effort to be liked and accepted by some locals I met. I constantly threw myself into situations where deep down, I knew that my energy wasn’t being reciprocated and people didn’t care about me but (like you said), I had a huge scarcity mindset, wanted to cling to as many relationships as possible, valued quantity over quality, and my boundaries weren’t always the strongest. My lack of self-respect really showed 🤦🏽‍♀️ after leaving and trying to stay in touch with many of the same people I met, I’ve noticed who does and doesn’t reciprocate my energy over WhatsApp and social media (especially when you’re not in the same country to party with certain people), and I’ve had to ask myself some hard questions about my approach to relationships. The timing of your video was perfect ❤

Great video and one that I find especially relevant. One of the breakthroughs that I had with a therapist was the realization that I romanticized friendships throughout my youth. Having a valued friendship fall apart or simply fade away broke my heart, and if that isn't romanticization, I don't know what is. What was even more sobering was when my image of what the friendship ought to have been didn't match the reality of the matter. Hard lessons from friendship mistakes, indeed.

Ok. The more i listen to you, the more evident it is you really love your field and just want to help people as much as you can. RESPECT/GRATITUDE 🙏🙏

Hi Dr.Ana I laughed out loud when you hesitated with the pronunciation of ephemeral. As a non-native English speaker, I always mess up this kind of word, I relate!

God is going to bless you for putting out these free videos to help others

It's very important and useful to have close relationships with significant people with whom we can completely relax and be truly who we are, honest, authentic and to be able to show them our vulnerability without fear of judgement or rejection. And not to just present the best version of ourselves to them with a mask on, because we are afraid to open up to them. Sometimes, even just one person like that is enough. Then, they are our best friend. Others are also important, but not as much because our degree of closeness, sharing and essential connection with them is much lower. Love your videos, Ana! You're amazing 😊

Wow. This video really spoke to me. I related a lot and I think I'm learning a lot from it. As a freshman in college who struggles making healthy true friends I appreciate a lot of what was said here. Going to have to rewatch this and really apply it to myself. It has made me appreciate the one close friend I really do have.

Congrats on your doctorate! I’ve been watching you for years and I’m happy to see you have that title now!!! ❤

Hearing this makes me very sad. I’ve been trying to connect with a lot of people with 100% rejection. I have almost given up on having any true friends. But sometimes I wish that’s not the case. People are busy living life. Let them be. 😢

Awesome. I loved the exercise proposed in the 'support' segment. I've suffered at the machinations of 'frenemies' and that advice really helps. Also relevant to workplace associations and management directions -even outside of Halloween shenanigans and hazing that becomes habitual and convenient per group behaviors. I'll leave sooner next time as this tool will assist me to spot it quicker.

Really great informative video and I'm also really glad that I found your channel a few weeks back. I feel like that at this point I'm sort of subconsciously stuck in the "don't attach" mindset/belief. I really want and crave intimate relationships but at the same time a great part of me thinks/believes "why bother" due to my childhood and previous experiences. I know that I will eventually improve in this area and videos like these help me, and I'm sure many others, in achieving this goal step by step. So thank you Ana! Keep doing what you're doing.

Thank you for posting this video and sharing your experiences of making friends during college. Much of what you mentioned resonated with me as I also had this mindset of desperately attracting anyone to be a friend when I was in college. Because of my desperation and struggles with social anxiety, I missed out on creating friendships with a lot of good people. The small few who did stay however didn't had my best interest at heart, and soon left once I couldn't offer what they needed from me. Listening to your approach of maintaining a healthy level of detachment in friendships sounds like a good mindset for me to apply in my life. But, when I think about it, I wonder if the feeling of loneliness is the main cause of feeling desperate? Like the idea of letting people come and go in my life without becoming too attached seems workable for me, but I'm sure if I tried doing this for a while, I'll have to grapple with feelings of FOMO, lack of friends, and the realization that opportunities to make new friends diminish the older you get. At that point, I would most likely fall back on the desperation and scarcity side of friendships, which will probably get in the way of becoming detached. Quite a long comment lol but nevertheless great video and I appreciate what you are doing!

Thank you for making this so clear And revalue my introverted ways Reaffirming im not antisocial Encouraging my confidence. Great channel 🌟

Incredible video Ana, I have been watching your channel for some time now and I love it. Currently I'm going through a very intense and sad moment with a couple of friends and this video came in the right time. Incredible how this video made a reality check and made me grounded. Thanks for all your work

Thank you for the recommendation on how to find deeper friendships that support you

Hi Dr Ana 👋 Thank you for this video 😊 It will help to expand my knowledge and experience when establishing and maintaining the right friends as I am in my mid 20s. One reality of friendship is we will not be able to maintain every friendship we meet and people come and go as well. Btw, looking forward to your Halloween video for the month of Oct 🎃

Great video, I’ve been watching your channel off and on and I can honestly say you give great insight to areas of my life that I don’t seem to notice due to being mostly alone in my life. When you’re struggling you tend to think about yourself more than those around you, there’s sort of a lack of object permanence in the sense that I don’t think about my social circles until I am told to do so. I feel the same about thriving in one on one settings vs group settings, and joining clubs and extra curricular activities in school is helping me break that and has allowed me to notice that the time I spent working on my self especially through the pandemic I do not see replicated in my peers around me in terms of growth and development and so reentering college I feel like a big fish compared to my peers. It’s still hard for me to break out of my social shell knowing that I’ve become more introverted over time regardless of if it was self induced or inflicted from the lock downs. I am still navigating building my relationships, but I’ve noticed it takes more effort on my part to maintain peace and community rather than to default to what seems to be the toxic alone self especially when it comes to shared resources and labor. Things are getting more expensive and harder and I feel like In a sense I’m devolving by focusing on survival and scarcity rather than community and abundance.

Why does every friendship has to be this idealized version of it? you can have friends in party settings and other things, i hate when people go by the cliche of saying "i don't want to be with someone who has to drink to have fun" seems pretty judgemental to me, i have friends who i can party with other friends who i can go to the movies o to a brunch, it's not one or the other.

Hi Ana, thank you soo much for this video as it truly could not be better timed for me to hear this as I am in the middle of a heartbreaking situation. I have met my girlfriend a few months ago, but she has a strong burn-out and depression. Since a month ago she completely kicked me out of her life, saying it does not affect her feelings for me and that she does not do this to bully me. I believe her, but we are no longer together and her wish is to not have any contact. I really do need to give her space as the burnout really flatlines her energy, but it deeply hurts me to I feel this unhealthy attachment to her while she has her own problems to solve. I need to let go more, but at the same time I really cannot wait until she contacts me to say she is ok. I wish I could detach more.

Thank you for these wise words! All of us appreciate your advice. I really needed this words, because the last few weeks I always questioned myself if I do enough, but your words brought me back to the ground. So, thank you, again. 😁

This video is kinda old but I’m soooo happy I found your channel. I am on my healing journey and the videos you make really resonate with me. You maybe already did this but I would love to hear your perspective on burnout in the helping field, and how it can affect relationships as a whole in your life. Thanks for the great content, you gained a new subscriber ❤

Excellent insights that have started me thinking deeply about my friendships.

Just what I needed to hear on a Friday morning! Thanks Ana. Sending love from Australia 🤍x

Just wanted to thank you for making this video! I really appreciate your perspective. It was super valuable to hear about your experiences 🙏!!!

Hey Ana, fellow Romanian PsyD student here! I love this video because this past year I’ve been working so much on my attachment and becoming more secure than I ever thought I could be. It reminds me of everything I’ve internalized. Go where you’re wanted!

This was so nice to listen to, it made me feel better and now more aware of those who are around me and how can I improve on that area of my life. Sincerely, thank a lot. Wish you the best!

i’ve only just started this video but i’m so grateful you’ve made this. i’ve only just come out of grieving a frienship i lost for a year or so, and i’ve made it my personal obsessive mission to find new friends bc i don’t want to be alone, so i feel like this video will really resonate with not just me but others. thank you Dr Ana :)

the fireplace really adds to the vibe of these videos. nice touch :))

this was such a useful video, especially the part about energy being put into friendships being unequal, though its very depressing remembering you are the one more attached in all friendships you have.

This solidifies a lot of insights I've felt from friendships but haven't really been able to fully vocalize. Thank you! I'd like to hear you talk more about the scarcity vs abundance mindset in a more general setting (considering most other videos on it is from some finance grindset bro).

I really appreciate your serious style and maturity. You truly are of value and I'm happy that you are in private practice, I think that's the way to go. Your background has made you strong, it doesn't happen to everyone. You are very sweet. I wish you well and happiness in your marriage. You carry a sense of dignity and I appreciate that.

I would also invite people to take an inventory of people who they are supportive/not supportive of. Or if 'not supportive', maybe supportive bcz the social pressure that Dr. Ana said.

I needed this video like last month 😩

Thank you Dr. Ana. I went thru a lot of similar situations. I relied on my gut instinct and kept good friendships. This has been such a good use of my energy. Thanks for breaking this down.

Wow, this is what I realized this year & this video made me realize how much I’ve healed from this. Thank you!

Thank you for speaking to me like no one else has before, really appreciate it!

Hi Ana! After this video could you please make a video about healthy attachment in relationship and early dating? After my first relationship I realised I don't have a personality I completely lost myself and have no self confidence ... Is there such video already? Thank you and greetings from Hungary ❤

Topic idea: Psychedelics and what research says about personality change, positives, and negatives. People often say they’ve aged after a trip.

You sound so humble

5:12 quantity over quality 5:17 didn't show up didn't care didn't support judged didn't invite to things

I've only one best friend. It's extremely hard for me to relate to someone on a deeper level where much of our logic and outlook on life corresponds, and also being able to have mutual emotional support and interest. We never argued for the whole year that we were friends, but one day we did, and unfortunately I learned we have one very important core value difference: loyalty. She ghosted me and it's been a year and a half now. What's sad is even if she decided to come back, I don't think I'd want to be friends again, because I don't give up on people unless they bring too much negativity and I feel I have to protect myself, and I expect the same from others. I've had too much of that in my life, which has led me to build an immense intolerance to unloyal behavior. Security is an essential yet fragile attribute in a relationship.

Thank u Dr. Ana, really appreciate this video and what you do to help others🙏🏽

Congrats with your book. thanks for idea that u can be narrator for short book scenes. i want to try it too.

this video was like food for the soul . watching this itself made me feel less lonely

your videos are awesome, i especially loved your "matching energy" video from 2 years ago as someone much older who kept feeling drained by my relationships. please do an updated video on that topic. how to remove energy from people who don't value you?

Very interesting topic. I think each person has a whole different dimension and complexity due to their circumstances. Right now I'm in a piece of my life where things are dark, I'm fighting to get a job, my parents are tired of me and giving me money and you know that with no money no opportunity to do something. I just had a terrible discussion with my dad and i don't have him anymore. I haven't aeen my friends for months and i don't want to tell them either that I'm struggling and the reason why. I've read this book the 48 laws of power and i just don't want people to know my Aquiles ankle, my weaknesses, but i feel alone. Interestingly I don't want my friends to succeed because that means they're leaving me behind but i think that they couldn't care much if i succeed too. I just want to be in respectable terms with everybody and not gaining any enemies but I'm not sure my friends are still my friends. I can't tell them my situation, my secret.

I know this is true, but I always feel as though if someone doesn’t want to be a true friend, it’s 100% because I don’t deserve it or I did something wrong.

This video hit me just at the right moment. Thank you Dr.

I’m so glad I found your channel. I love the topics of your videos and how well you explain things. You earned a new sub :)

My favorite part was the one where you said not to approach it with a scarcity mindset. Yep!

I learned a lot from this video :) Could you (maybe) make a video on formimg new connections/ meeting new people? (in a platonic way) I feel like it’s easier to end relationships than form new ones. I wonder if psychology has anything to say in that regard ,’:(

I was just thinking of this; I'm so glad you spoke about this!

needed 🙏 one of your best. would love more depth on this wave

Ana your videos have helped me so much thank you

Very helpful. I guess I've always been too much of a distancer (to my own detriment) except with two girls I was in love with.

Thank you, Ana :) This is very helpful and validating. Congratulations on all your positive changes in life )

Hi Ana, love your content. Would you be able to do a video on alexithymia and how it impacts people socially, their interactions, friendships, relationships?

I ended up finishing two friendship of three years, because I didn't have a healthy attachment, I thought they were going to help me when I was in my lowest point, but they ended up hurting me a lot more than I thought, now I feel a lot alone but I think I did right finishing, they seemed that they had no respect or care for me. Sad when things end this...

Fantastic video. I really needed this today. Thank you!

i never read my own sister’s stories and shes my world, i just prefer to gym and game after work lol, to be fair i would check a peer’s book out of curiosity but not out of a place of support

Thanks for the video Dr. Ana

great vid. thank you 🔥

Friends come and go but experiences last forever

Great video (btw that fireplace is soo cool)

If you are attracted to her, but she says that everything is moving too fast, even though she was the one who was engaging in the pet names and sexting/flirting with you, and she all of a sudden wants to be just friends, or take it slow. If there is attraction from both sides, then that is a doomed friendship. It ridiculous how selfish some people are.

You’re my favorite channel