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Sometimes it becomes apparent that someone doesn't respect you and you just need to walk away.

Thank god someone is speaking about this, I had to keep pretending it was a relationship in advice seeking forums just to be taken seriously

"The older you get, the more you realize it's not about who knows you the longest, it's about who makes you feel seen, heard, understood, appreciated, supported and loved." It's been painful reflecting over long term relationships with new found perspective of a more healed version of yourself. Like, damn. It really feels like life starts over when you let go...you really let go.

“yooo i was a terrible friend” is so real Dr Ana

I’ve found that even in friendships some people can be emotionally unavailable

I feel like friends aren’t loyal like they used to be, and it’s much harder to make friends now nowadays. I’m unsure why this is, but in my parents’ generation, it was normal to have a core group of friends. Back then, friends showed up for you when you needed them. To say you didn’t have friends would be considered insane. Now it feels like it’s so common to hear young people saying they’re lonely or even have no friends. I’ve known multiple people who’ve planned trips, parties, or dinners with friends only for the friends to back out last minute or just not show up. That kind of thing never really happened to people my parents’ age. I say that all to say that I recently had to break up with a friend I’d known for a few years. It was very intense and vibrant and we did things with each other that we’d never done before. We grew a lot together and were inseparable. We were like brothers. Long story short, I had to let him go because he would often have outbursts. He became increasingly emotionally abusive, unstable, unhelpful and yet he expected me to be there for him. It all got to a boiling point and I confronted him and broke up. It’s been several weeks since then and I’ve cried every single day since. I think I’m suffering from broken heart syndrome.

I wish people talked about this more... For some of us, friendship and partner breakups feel just as painful because we are interested in building really meaningful, close relationships in both cases.

I’ve had so many friendship breakups that I have no more friends to breakup with.

THANK GOD THANK GOD!!! Someone spoke up about this. This is something which should be normalised. The topic of friendship. We all are just so invested in relationships that the content just revolves around it. This was much needed. This is one of those topics that must be spoken of. Just how bad romantic break ups are friendship breakups are much worse for some people. Thank you!!!

The number of people I ended friendships with by simply removing them out of my life is truly embarrassing. Even with all of the things they did to me, I felt so morally at fault for simply doing that. But I realised I was putting in so much effort in a friendship that did not respect me so I needed to do this.

yesterday made it 1 year since i broke up with my best friend. we were friends for 7 years and during the last year of friendship she would exclude me, make jokes at my expense, and just put me down a lot with silly comments. it was hard letting her go since she talked crap about me afterwards to plenty of mutual friends who eventually either blocked me or turned against me. no one talks about the heartache that follows from not being heard and people turning against you due to gossip and for standing up for yourself.

I'M LITERALLY GOING THROUGH A FRIENDSHIP BREAKUP RIGHT NOW, YOUR TIMING IS IMPECCABLE.

I remember in middle school when me and my best friend “broke up”, it only took two or three weeks for us to make up and we never broke up again. I don’t even remember what it was for, I just remember really missing each other. She’s been gone from this earth since June 2016, I’d give anything to have those weeks with her again.

1 - GREAT topic. 2 - I see you've changed it to "Dr. Ana" ! Congratulations!

I love that you brought up platonic abuse, literature and resources hide the fact that it can and does happen more often I feel like.

I think, on the topic of slow-fade vs being direct, that as someone who's experienced abandonment trauma I find the direct method sits better with me, both for receiving and also if I need to be the one to end things. I find it just provides more immediate closure and opportunity for growth. The caveat is it does require two mature individuals, so, in cases where someone is not capable of that, I could see the slow-fade being more sensible. In general though, for adults over around 25, I think being direct is a compassionate way of handling things.

Since becoming a mother my life and my values have changed a lot. Most of my friends don't wanna have kids, and can't relate to my current circumstances. They've also been often selfish and didn't meet my needs anymore, a lot of ungrateful, disloyal behavior.. So I recently did 5 Cuts/Breakups. Now I'm left with 2 friends, but at least I know that those are people I can count on and I have space for new people who actually care and have the same values.

The depression and pain I felt after my best friend broke up with me was the most profound I have ever felt. Since then I have tried as much as I can to become a better person. She doesn't want to resume friendship and it took me a long time to accept that, but all the learning, work and changes I have been doing is worth it. It led me to better understanding my own behaviors and reactions. It is still taking me a long time to really grow into the kind of person I want to be.

i went through a friendship breakup with my best friend about 2 months after my grandpa died. i genuinely have more grief for the loss of my (still living) -friend- than i do my grandpa, and that alone causes so much guilt. feelings are weird. it is what it is i guess.

For sure it's okay to slow fade people, most people can't take feedback, especially when they didn't ask for it imo

Unfortunately most of the people don’t know how to be a good friend. When you realize that they are not giving anything, just break up with them.

I had to distance myself from a friend of 20+ years because of their severe substance abuse issue. It hurts a lot to have so much history with someone but to barely be able to see the person they once were through the shadow of who they are now. Thank you for the video

I broke up with someone who I called my best friend about 6 months ago because every time I tried to bring up something small that bothered me, I got blamed for it. They couldn’t really take accountability and haven’t really shown in any interest in growing since.

The problem is, I never seemed to recover after losing all my friends in grade school just for telling the truth.

I just went through a friendship breakup and honestly I’m handling it soooo well. I really admire the person I used to be friends with and I’m just glad that I got to have her in my life at all. The pain that I’m experiencing is just so wholesome and I’m so happy that I get to navigate this. Also want to be clear that she told me she wanted to no longer be friends. I wanted to get to know her again since I didn’t know her anymore but she didn’t feel the same. It is weird not being able to text her when I want to.

I'm going through a friendship breakup right now with a few friends. I'm distancing/compartmentalizing these relationships. I don't feel understood by these friends because our values do not align and I feel like I have to mask my true self around them. They aren't bad people, but I realized that we don't actually have much in common and our friendship was only closer in high school because we saw each other often and had shared classes. I can never be my true self around them and share my passions with them even though we've known each other for so long. To me, this was a clear sign that the friendship was not worth keeping.

There's 2 major dramatic friend breakups I had as an adult. The first was with my friend group from my hometown. I was the only one who moved away but made an effort to see everyone regularly, and help organise birthdays etc. Only to realise at some point that none of them even remembers when mine even was. I told that friendgroup that I was tired of making that effort and cut ties with all but but the two who actually cared who I am still good friends with 5 years later. Everyone else is apparently still confused why I refuse to show up. The second was last year. I liked those friends a lot, and it still hurts. But it was always a little shakey since I felt that they were always looking down on me a little in a pretty patronising way. This made me distance myself and react to some things harsher then I should have. But a year ago my father died in an accident and I partially inherited a running farm. It was at that time that they started to want to have discussions about the friend circle we had, etc. Maybe even justified stuff. But it felt like such a betrayal that they dragged me into their drama, complaining that I was not reaching out enough and not making enough of an effort when I was going through one the worst episodes of my life. So, I never found the strength to reach out again.

Video came at a perfect time, I can feel a breakup coming in the sense of slow death. My friend has her own individual friends that I haven’t really clicked with. I thought I would be able to develop better chemistry with them over time, but because it still feels distant I’ve started to wonder what it is that attracts my friend to these people but repels them away from me. I’ve stayed the same but my friend has new energies around her and I feel like she’s changing to compliment the newer energies. We have remained friends for very long and have been able to flow with the changing tides of life, but this time it feels different. Like our chemistry is falling apart. It doesn’t help that I started to notice things my friend does that indicates she holds higher priority or value in others than me. She greeted everyone in the room with a hug despite me walking her in, and she left me occupied in another activity with her friends who did not want to me hanging out with her or them. Tricky situation but feels like there’s not much I can don

She said she’d go to therapy with me for months and kept coming up with excuses, then backed out all altogether. We even had something scheduled once, and she backed out. I've been struggling with this for MONTHS. I am still processing this in therapy. I was crying every day for weeks at one point. My best friend was a sister to me for 12 years. Her family was family to me as well. She was dishonest about a lot of things for months on end and also tried to gaslight me once, wouldn't communicate, was avoidant, did not care about my feelings & how she was hurting me, and this is what started these issues for the last year. My therapist reaffirmed to me that I didn’t know what was going on for months, and my ex-friend told me that she told me otherwise. My therapist said she doesn’t deserve a friend like me, and as accurate as it is, it still hurts. I’ve lost my dad and two other people to death and have lost exes during breakups. This equates to the pain of those people dying and is worse than a breakup. My sister said losing someone this way is almost worse because they chose to leave. Your friend is the one person who isn’t supposed to leave, give you trust issues, or hurt you. I wrote a long letter to her that made my therapist cry, and the response back was I can’t do this right now, so I think it’s done. Crazy how people would rather lose someone than work on things or take accountability. My therapist said a black box of therapy is outgrowing others and making room for those who deserve to be there. Thanks for talking about this as I feel like we don’t enough.

I’m so glad I came across this video. One year ago, I broke off my friendship because this person was causing me of emotional pain and making me feel like I wasn’t putting enough effort in our friendship, when I was in fact doing the most for the two of us. The last straw for me was when after going out together after months of not seeing each other, I was accused of still being a “bad friend” even though I got her a Xmas/birthday gift. I then realized that I was being emotionally manipulated, used as a pseudo therapist for advice that was never taken, made to compromise my morals for her happiness, and I would be placed last among her friends when a new boyfriend came around. I also eventually figured out that I was being talked badly about toward her other friends, as she did the same to them with me. And it’s true, when you finally realize your self worth, it’s when you decide to cut off a bad friend. It was also during a time when I gained new friends and began focusing on my degree and career that I can only assume threatened that ex friend, so I had to choose my sanity and future over somebody who never cared in the first place. I was the person who cut off the friendship did experience the initial relief, but to this day I still feel the trauma of that extremely toxic friendship that I’m still working out. This video made me feel better about all the bad friendships I rightfully cut out of my life. We need to discuss friendships more often and teach young people how to be better friends.

It’s insane how this is uploaded now, because I had kind of a fallout with a friend yesterday and realized that I did not even like him as a person. This helped! Thanks.

It has been almost a year since I've quit being friends with a diagnosed (covert) narcissist. Him being in therapy made me think he was getting better or at least trying to fix whatever was ailing him, but otherwise didn't notice anything wrong with him except his self-hate. I'd answer his calls at 3am to dispel his insecurities etc. Imagine my surprise when I realised that the reason I was hanging out with him was my lack of boundaries. I'd apologise for anything and everything. What broke the camels back was when he told me he felt insecure that I was hanging out with my other friend which made him feel like he wasn't number 1. Who was this friend? His girlfriend. He was jelaous of his damn girlfriend and wanted to feel superior to her. He said all of this in front of her... Something just clicked in my head then. I could suddenly remember all the times he treated himself as better than me, wanted my service (help), or belittled me verbally (which I just took for some reason). As we fought, he said I didn't respect him and his feelings. I don't think the feelings of his girlfriend and me even occurred to him. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my tea.

Time doesn't always heal the wound. My best friend of 13 years and I parted ways 7 years ago. It still really hurts. I miss them everyday.

my experience is that if ur "friends" don't respect you, they'll just drop you when its convenient for them.

I'm in the process of losing a friend via avoidance and compartmentalization.

Last year was such a turbulent year for me because of my experience with friendships. I graduated and realised all the friends I had in college were really not friends because either they did shady and terrible things to me or they had extreme opposing values as me and gave me a tough time because of that like as if it was my fault that we had opposing values and was senstive. It was heartbreaking. It was loneliness. I was filled with anxiety and my self-esteem was in the dumps because I thought there was something so wrong with me that I decided to let go of so many people. And moreover, I tended to romanticise my past friendships that had ended and the grief was hitting me hard. I realised a lot of my newer friendships were one-sided because I was putting in all the effort, I was acting out of loneliness and desperation. I had poor boundaries and communication skills. I was going through a lot. It was difficult but now, I think I did the work, I can see when a friendship is intolerable for me, and I am okay with taking action. Though, I still fear confrontation, when it's necessary and when I feel like my emotions will be taken seriously, I will not hesitate to speak up.

Ah I need this, you get me truly! I was just scheduling a gmail to my future self feeling lost and fearing how I'll react with all the friendships I ended last year. And I get notified about this.

ppl 60 yrs old still have friendship breakups. people grow, change drastically, drift apart. morals, interests, values etc may no longer align, embrace the end of all relationships that don't serve your best self.- noone belongs to you forever not even kids/spouse

I'm 30 now, and I still think about my past frienships from 5, 10, or even 15 years ago. Thank you Dr Ana for this content, I'm glad not to be alone in this.

Thank you SO much for making this video. I went through a really tough friendship breakup last year. We were like sisters and it still hurts even after a year. But I've learned a lot from it and hopefully I'll find a new close friend in the future.

I went through a very bad friendship ending, because it was a close friendship, we always said it would be forever. It started with a discussion in which I said that I was thinking about going abroad and I had had an argument with my mother so I was very fragile, they told me that I wouldn't be able to do it, using my symptoms of depression, making me feel more down, saying that I was behaving like a teenager and who I thought was Kim Kardashian. I think I may have tired them out because I was feeling bad a lot of times but they also shared, we always supported each other, but they stopped talking in the group but I think they talked to each other. In addition to other situations like making an appointment and only the two of them arriving early without warning, there was a time I felt sick at a show and they left me alone, among other situations. It seemed like there was a group just between the two of them and it was letting me down. That's why I ended my friendship with them.

Thank you for this video Ana! I had a friendship breakup in the last year, and it was a pretty intertwined, toxic one. I had to end it after many years of problems. I wasn’t always a great friend, and I’m glad I was able to let her know that before it ended, but I never really got closure on some of the very hurtful and manipulative things that happened to me with her. I think about it often, and doubt my feelings and stance, but ultimately we couldn’t see eye to eye. Loved your perspective! 😌

My previous best friend was my soul mate in many ways. Humor was matched in a way that I will probably never find again in another person. We understood each other in a way that was so deep, it inherently just felt kind of meant to be/romantic. But he also could turn me SO TOXIC. And he could be SO TOXIC. We were as addicted to having fun as we were to destroying and insulting each other. Constantly pulling and pushing. It still hurts that I had to cut him out. I found myself basically begging for abuse for awhile because my perception of care and affection was so warped by this person. It feels mundane to be in a healthy and positive relationship with people now sometimes. I've been free for almost a year now though. Always getting better! Used to cry and write so many notebook pages. "I miss him" "He threatened to kill me and he knows where I live" "He was so funny, and really listened to me" .... yeah. Definitely a traumatizing friendship. So delusional to think he cares for me.... but I still think he does. Maybe in another life we would still play Mario at 4am lol. I cut him put randomly one day with no warning. I feel sad now when I think of him. I have to resist cyber stalking him. I always wonder how he is doing.

I have a cousin and although that is not a friend, we have/had a very "iconic duo," relationship (in our family, we're known as the chaos twins). Recently, I was venting about how "unsafe" I felt around a certain girl in my biology lab class. My cousin then went into a very condescending mode, "It'd be so interesting to be a man." Soon, the conversation took a very unexpected turn for the worse. She made me feel invalidated and made no attempt to understand where I was coming from. Against my own defense, I am in therapy to work on these narratives that I build around myself and although the girl in my bio lab class makes me feel unsafe, it is just unhealed trauma from a previous relationship that I am projecting onto bio girl and I will acknowledge that; I am working on it. But my chaos twin completely neglected how I felt and this is not the first time she has not trusted my experiences. My mother convinced me that the better word instead of "unsafe" is "afraid." I really enjoy creating chaos in the community with her, but if she cannot trust me in a conversation, then what kind of friendship/relationship is that? Aren't relationships built on trust? I never claim to have the answers, I always feel like I'm learning from her. But now she doesn't make me feel comfortable to voice my opinion because "I'm spoiled." Right now, I've cut contact with her, I'm avoiding seeing her, and I don't feel like I'm in the wrong here. Of course, it's wrong of me to have projected onto bio girl, but what is my chaos twin even doing? The only takeaway I have from this experience (assuming I am in the wrong), is that men should never voice how they feel even to family members, which is the complete opposite of what I've been told. Would love to get other people's thoughts, opinions, and similar experiences on this matter, if you are willing. Thank you

i broke things off with my best friend of 6 years & it was the hardest decision ever. i tried so hard & held on for as long as i could. for a long time, i didn’t treat her well, i was insecure & destructive & i took that out on everyone else. i’ve since grown & she was a huge part of that. she pushed me to realize that no matter what im going through, it needs to be me going through it, not me dragging everyone else with me. time passed & i became a really good friend to her & everyone else in my life for the most part. the year or two before i ended things, i started to notice her drifting & just not really wanting to put as much effort in. she became borderline secretive about her life & i felt like i didn’t know her anymore but she would still call me her best friend. i talked to her about it multiple times. her not communicating with me, her not making time for us when i did no matter what, her being self absorbed to the point where she never even asked about me anymore. she got to the point where we only saw each other maybe once a month when we used to be inseparable. she ended up moving for a seasonal job & i kind of knew that was the beginning of the end. if she couldn’t communicate living 10 minutes away from me there’s no way it was gonna happen 700 miles away. i was right & she got to the point where she was only talking to me maybe once a week when i could text her multiple times throughout the week & i just couldn’t accept it anymore. i had to break things off & it sucks because she was so understanding & we still have so much love for each other, we were like sisters. we just aren’t compatible anymore but it’s hard not to blame myself because of how i used to be in the friendship. this is harder than my last breakup with a boyfriend

Thanks for making this video- differing values and socioeconomic differences are so difficult to navigate!

This was so validating to watch. Thank you. I lost my friendship of over 20 years due to my friend’s BPD- she engaged in stalking behavior toward her ex (a mutual friend) and ended our friendship in a very dramatic and hurtful way when I finally called her out on it. It was a traumatizing experience that took many months to process. There was a lot of grief attached even though I know it wasn’t my fault; I was demonized by someone who knew twenty years’ worth of insecurities because I was being honest and addressing disturbing and harmful patterns of behavior. It’s especially hard when you think you know a person really well but they are able to hide the abusive parts of themselves and then turn on you once those parts are revealed. Again, thanks, this was so helpful.

Went through a friendship breakup about a year ago. It was "betrayal" in the sense that they would not give me the things I needed from them like companionship and reciprocity and it needed to end. It did hurt for sure, but it was for the best and I am better off now.

I've had lots of naturally faded friendships. But only two dramatic friend breakups. In both cases those friends had severe mental health problems that I did not perceive as red flags when I should have.

Is it the season for friendship breakups? Just had a very close 12 year friendship end a few weeks ago and lately I feel like I’ve been hearing about friendship breakups everywhere. Since this is a psychology channel - I KNOW that’s a confirmation bias lol, but also, seems legitimate right now!

I needed this today because my long term best friend ghosted me recently for no apparent reason.

I had a best friend throughout middle school and high school. But I ended up moving to a different state and we texted all the time & always thought it would be so awesome to live in the same state since we have grown up so much. When I finally moved back to the same state for school she treated me different. She would flake on our plans to hang out with a guy & just genuinely didn’t respect the time and effort I put into our friendship. She would “forget” her wallet all the time. I brought up to her how it made me feel and she apologized but she continued to do the same things over and over. She never made plans to hangout & only contacted me if she needed to vent. I ended up cutting contact with her cold, no explanation. I still feel very bad about doing that. But I feel like she didn’t care about our friendship in the first place. Thank you Ana for this video. It’s validating to know that friendship break ups are common. & that I’m allowed to feel upset and hurt

I had a friend we’ll call her Evelyn. We were really close through elementary school. In middle school was when it got rough. In seventh grade this girl would do little things. She would say things to things, that hurt, emotionally and physically, but I’d don’t think much about it. That is until I found out her parents were going through a divorce and it was a rough one. And she did NOT know how to deal with it. It quickly got out of hand. I would come home every day crying. This girl didn’t care, I would tell her how I felt hoping she would apologize and she would, in that mocking and annoyed way. The day after I told her one of the things she said that hurt my feelings, the next day she said something that her her feeling that I did that didn’t make any since. I texted her because I could not do it face to face. She kept asking me why and I would tell her and she didn’t think it was a good enough reason and make an excuse like “well my parents are getting a divorce” Like oh! Ok I’ll just let you treat me like garbage no, no I won’t. I said I’m sorry your going through that but that’s no excuse so I we ended it. She keeps trying to talk to me know but no, no. No. No! I don’t want to forgive you, it hard, it really hard.

I love your objective approach as well as being comfortably open about your own experience! I have been both an initiator and the receiver-- to say the least, I come off very abrasive as an initiator, so now that I'm once again in this position viewing the falling out as a necessary event due to dissimilarity, I've chosen this option as I've grown that I no longer owe anyone an explanation if I don't receive reciprocity in efforts. After all, it needs efforts from all parties.

I found this video exactly when I needed it. I recently had a friendship breakup with a childhood friend (almost a year ago now) and I'd love if you had any tips on how to move on from a friendship breakup (both of us have changed a lot but I really felt betrayed and hurt by some of their behaviour in the end). It's not necessarily that I miss the person, but I miss who that person was and the dynamic that we both had together which makes it particularly hard because I feel like friends can't be replaced in the same way that romantic partners can as the dynamic can vary and the role they have in our lives is often a lot more unique (at least IMO). Love your videos btw!!

Thank you dr ana you are always super helpfull and beautifull. You are doing a great job.

I broke off any form of contact with my best friend (of 10 years) two years ago and I can't help but still think of her sometimes. We became best friends instantly after meeting each other in middle school. I feel like even then, back from the start, we had a lot of problems and unnecessary drama. And yeah, we were in school, so there was bound to be some drama, but it was about things that still seem icky to me, even when I'm an adult. Overall, I think our biggest problem was that the only thing that connected us was being the "weird kids" (and as I later found out neurodivergent). But looking back at our friendship, I honestly don't know how we managed to keep this thing going for so long. We couldn't have been more different from each other when it came to our interests, morals, ways of behaving in certain situations. Our family situations were vastly different, just our ways of being were very different. And it created so many misunderstandings and rifts between us. One situation that comes to my mind when I think about how differently we would handle situations, was when one day she told me that one girl in class was making fun of me when I wasn't present in class. So I asked her if she defended me in any shape or form. She said "no, not really," and I couldn't fathom that. How can you be closest friends with someone and not even budge when someone is insulting them? I would be throwing hands if it were me. As years went by and we were already adults, my frustration with her just kept building up. I felt like there were even more problems after high school, as we didn't go to the same school. For example, our senses of humor started changing (so one less thing that made us similar). I also befriended nice girls in high school and, thanks to that, I understood that it's not normal to feel in competition with your best friend, and to feel like your boundaries are constantly being crossed. The last two years of our friendship could barely even be called a friendship as we would have fights and "breaks" from each other constantly. There were times where we would not contact each other for months at a time, but we would always make up in the end and try to act as if nothing happened. But then, every time we met up, even though it was rather seldom, I would feel so exhausted right after. I feel like near the end of our friendship she would only want to meet up when she was having a hard time and wanted to vent to someone about how hard her life is, how her relationships are failing, etc. And I would endure it every time and try to be a supportive friend. The situation that made me go, "I've had enough," was when, after yet another "break," we decided to meet up and catch up on what happened in our lives when we weren't talking. But not even 15 minutes into our meeting, she would keep checking her phone and texting someone vigorously. It seemed like she wasn't even listening to what I was telling her. I got pissed and asked what was her deal, and she tried making excuses that it was an unfortunate timing and that she just got into a fight with her girlfriend over text (during our meeting somehow!), so she had to reply to the messages. I gave her some time to talk things over with her girlfriend, but after roughly an hour, I got tired of waiting and being disappointed over and over again, so I just left. After that situation, I started ghosting her. I know it's not the most mature thing to do. But you have to understand that I had numerous "talks" with her about our problems before that, and nothing ever improved. And I got so tired that I just cut her off entirely. Before, I tried upkeeping the relationship I had with her for as long as I could. In my mind, I thought to myself, "Even though we have many problems and meeting with her is always so frustrating, she's still my best friend whom I shared many of my struggles with." I think I was just afraid that I would not be able to find another best friend. And honestly, two years after our "break up," and there isn't a person that I would call my close best friend. I have close friends whom I can talk with anytime I want, but I don't think I'm "the closest and most important" friend to anyone I know. And it feels somewhat embarrassing to consider someone your best friend and the person you would call first to tell them good news, but know that you're not even in the top 5 people on this person's list. So that's something I struggle with after breaking off contact with my bff.

Love this topic!!

I lost a pet and went through a fallout with a guy I had a strong connection with, all in one week. And when I reached out to my (now ex) best friend- it sounded like it was so fucking hard for them to be there for me. They lied to me about promising to be there for me (to call, FT, reply my mssgs etc.) and then went MIA for months without a word. Then they came back to gaslight me, call me awful things, and never really apologized until near the end where they admitted for being dishonest and ditching me. Then they basically said they don't want to be my friend anymore and don't have time for me. Insensitive and cowardly as hell. Absolutely awful fucking experience and feeling after being through thick and thin for 10+ years since middle school. Seriously tarnished my trust in people and friends. Just don't want anyone in my life now after losing and grieving 3 connections all in 3 months. Thank you for this video- this is such an overlooked topic!

When I go and tell my friend about how I think about our friendship and I want to improve things, they mostly took it seriously and they made me believe I was the one who is wrong since I was telling something about things. So I feel like if that person is not capable hearing the reality, or if they don't want to change anything it is better to walk away I feel responsible telling them how I feel but it backfired me nearly all the time

The slow fade is the move

I have been through a friend breakup two years ago (I am a high school senior currently, so this was sophomore year)! I had two best friends which extended to a 5-people friend group including myself. Because I misunderstood my friends when they spoke to me, I eventually believed that they were leaving me and another out for obnoxious reasons such as liking different music… however I realized a year after that I was thinking about myself too much and that I was unfair to my friends saying that they were excluding me. So, I went back and apologized in Junior year and friendship rekindled when me and the friend I first met in sophomore year ended up in the same classes! We’re now best friends and I am also best friends with her sister as well. The friendship we had AFTER the breakup was actually way stronger than before, and we deal with conflicts much easier than we used to. :) Thanks for sharing this video!

I regularly have dreams about several of my good friends over the years whose friendships have ended. They have ended due to geography mostly...I idolised them, and have become a part of who I am. For me it's hard to face the idea of reconnecting after such a long time and risking rejection or a changed dynamic, when the unspoken love for them is still very real if only as a memory.

friendship breakups are extremely painful, ngl im still not 100% over friends that i havent spoken to in years. i basically have no irl friends now and i still ask myself if its my fault since im the common denominator. i dont even know if i was the one initiating all of these breakups, im sure i am in their perspective but in mine? not rly. i love texting my friends and keeping in touch with them and i understand that becoming an adult made it harder for everybody but i was always available, always inviting, always texting first. the SECOND you stop doing that (cause... you know, stuff gets bad for you too) suddenly everybody disappears and their excuse is always not having time, yet you see them hang out with people that they used to talk crap about? this situation is really confusing because youre kind of the initiator but also not? thats why im still in the bragaining phase, always wondering if its me who did something wrong, maybe i was the bad friend maybe i was immature, constanly analyzing myself to become a better person. funny how these people never do it! you end up being the bad guy for simply putting yourself first xd hope everybody struggling with this eventually finds their people

What did I learn from this video; distancing is a form of break up. So I technically broke up with my friend before they broke up with me, because I finally voiced my opinion in a discussion theyvweren't actually having with me, but rather too me. Conclusion: yeah that was a crappy relationship, and I do not need to return to it. Thank you.

Ana I wanna encourage you to share your perspective despite public criticism. As much as I love the research, I also subscribed because I like you and I value your perspective as well. Anyway besides that. I believe “clear is kind” -Berne brown. I don’t think it benefits anybody being ambiguous bc usually we project our fears into the unknown. I will always respect someone who can say shit with their chest in a kind clear way.

I was betrayed by my friend group. I was dating a narcissistic man that manipulated them all against me when I came out about his psychological abuse. They became his flying monkeys, gang stalked me when I blocked them all, and perpetuated his abuse by harassing me online and spreading rumours. It was all very traumatic for me. He used DARVO to further gaslight and shame me with his large following online in a gaming community, after years of psychological abuse. He said I should be in a psych ward & I was crazy and psychotic… just to discredit me. It was a horrible experience. Extremely traumatic. I’m slowly healing a year later… thanks for this video Ana. It means a lot.

Really good content.

Just ended a friendship with a suspected narcissist (like actually clinical ticks off all the boxes except realizing she has a problem) and I have felt so much relief but also hurt. I was never going to be good enough for her to value.

Well this is timely

I have once instance of rekindling with a friend and was very happy with how things turned out. We both grew a lot and even still our first conversation just felt like catching up again! Also have an instance where I tried to reach out and rekindle but the other party wasn't interested. I understood why and when I reflect back on it I'm glad she wasn't interested. So, it has gone different ways for me but in the end I'm always happy with how it turns out :)

In a weird way I never officially break up with friends just gradually stop talking to them cos I realise they don’t care if I’m alive or dead

Points from this video gave me some reasons to calm down a little bit and accept a friendship breakup that I experienced myself several years ago🌿🍃 Thank you! This content is gold!🌔✨⛏ (There is no emoji of a gold bar😄)

I live in a military town, so with everyone moving away I never really taught myself how to keep a friend. My friendships usually go like a roller coaster, low interaction high interaction low interaction barely any interaction no interaction. To keep myself from seeming emotionally clingy I’ve created a rule for myself that if I’m the one always contacting the other person ill stop and wait for them to contact me before continuing the friendship (even if its just a simple happy birthday or merry Christmas ) and going no contact after this seems to happen to 9/10 friends I make so idk if this is right.

Anyone thinks there is a difference of a longlasting friendship breakup than just out of sight out of mind

It went bad because i had ideas about it they didnt have and they said things that i didnt felt or had either.

Can you please do more adult children and parents relationship? Especially after marriage and having a family yourself?

I had a friend once, until he invalidated my past trauma…

When you said that we should either know deep down or improve at self reflection, I felt like it was implied that receiving a slow fade relationship is always deserved. That sounds a lot to me like how some people say that being unaware of a partner's infidelity is just due to not wanting to know. I personally have experienced a friendship ending because my oppositely gendered best friend, after I unknowingly did something that reminded them of some experiences they had had before I became friends with them, incorrectly decided that I had "only become friends with them to get into their pants," and immediately switched to masking and lying to me for two months before ending our friendship via a pretty aggressive text. Even on the couple of times when I asked them what was on their mind, they said that everything was fine and they were just busy (ie they were distancing themselves and lying to me when I asked what was going on). There's nothing there for me to 'self reflect' my way into learning and I would have never known if they hadn't gotten frustrated by me "ignoring their hints" about ending our friendship that directly contradicted the things they were saying on the rare occasions that I saw them in person.

I went through a friendship breakup with one of my best friends, after she acted like nothing had happened when first my grandma and shortly afterwards my granddad died. I was super close with both and stayed with my dying grandma for one week, holding her hand and being by her side as she slowly passed. The first time I met my friend 2 weeks after all of this, she did not make any effort to make a comment, ask one question or even say her condolonces about my grandparents passing, since she "had already texted me that." Instead she wanted me to listen to her talking about her two most recent Tinder dates and stress at work. I was so taken aback that I did not even say anything during the meeting, but only asked her about it a couple of days later. She went on to blame me afterall for being overly critical and demanding 😂 Bruuhhh, it was rough! But some friends are really not meant to be in your life.

Ive made at least one frienship breakup like that, i was honest And kind , saying i Wish her the best And i really like her , but She isnt a good friend to me And i want to only have people around that work in mutual way in friendship. For me knowing the Reason would be So much better than when other friend with who was close Just stopped talking with me without any explanation, it leaves you wondering for So long thinking what was the Real Reason.

The last breakup I had was initiated by the other party and she chose to do it via a vague social media post directed at me, after deliberately wearing a mask of being fine right up until that point but evidently just storing up resentments before being triggered/splitting/what have you. I felt shock but that quickly gave way to relief, as I realized I had been uncomfortable for some time. Pettiness and passive aggressiveness are deal breakers for me, I just lose all respect and the contempts set in and that’s it. She called from her blocked phone number almost a year later asking for help, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt so amazed at someone’s lack of awareness and nerve.

Hi! This might be a big ask. Could you please do a video on adjusting to a new work location, out of state, for instance, and how to make the experience less stressful? I'm possibly moving for a job, and I'm nervous about the adjustment stress bleeding into work.

My mother lost her best friend in her mid 40's, after that her mental helath was progressively declining, and she never recivered, it was the time when therapy was not wide soread, very sad ...

On New Years my oldest best friend called me and chewed me out. It had been like this for 3 years every time we interacted. I finally told her that we haven’t had a positive interaction in years and it takes a toll on me for her to constantly be angry at me for one thing or another. She blocked me and hasn’t talked to me in 4 months now. Gotta say, it’s been nice to not have constant drama. I’m pretty sure her life is going well too. Worked out in the end. Sure I miss her, but I certainly don’t miss getting a random call at 2am to chew me out or getting angry dirty looks for nothing.

A counter-annecdote if I may: T and I were friends in elementary school. We would trade books with each other. Then he moved to a different country with his parents and we didn't stay in touch. Years later, I posted on social that I was going to this university abroad. T replied that he was going to the same uni and we reunited. At that point, we were both pretty nerdy. I was chasing after girls rather desperately. I thought him "not cool enough" and kind of distanced him a bit. I went through some personal transformation and got a lot more comfortable with myself in the second half of my uni life. T and I got a lot closer after that. Right now I consider him one of my two best friends and I am so grateful we stayed friends

A sad/unfortunate friend breakup story due to untreated mental illness. In college, my friend group consisted 5 people, 2 of who were roommates who were really tight. One of the roommates has a mental illness that requires regular medication (won't disclose specific illness for privacy reasons). At some point, said person stopped taking meds without telling anyone b/c they thought they were getting better, I guess, but unfortunately, they got worse as a result. While off meds, they became SUPER clingy to the other roommate, using her as a therapist 24/7 and even threatening physical violence when she started to pull away. Finally, we found out the friend had stopped taking their medications, and they were hospitalized. Once they got back on their meds, their mental state improved, but the damage to the social group was done. Aside from the roommate friend, another friend found it too triggering to stay in touch because it reminded him too much of his own abusive parent, who suffered from the same disorder. I guess the rest of us felt like our loyalty was to the other roommate as we were friends with her first, and frankly, we didn't trust them to stick to the medicine regime because at the time, they didn't seem to take as much accountability as we'd hoped. In hindsight though, I wish I had done a better job of staying in touch. Nobody is as mature yesterday as they are today, but even so, I wish I handled that better. I'm sure we all have regrets over how we acted at that time. The sad thing about the breakup is that I think most of us still think fondly of the former friend. They are a genuinely kind person underneath their trauma, and we know their behavior from that time period isn't representative of their true character. I guess it was just bad timing in that this breakup happened towards the end of college, so by the time the rest of us had enough space between the bad event to be able to consider re-establishing the friendship, we had gone our separate ways. I think to an extent, we are also afraid that we are triggering to her too. While I would certainly like to be friends again if we found ourselves in the same city, I'm also cognizant that they may not want to be reminded of a dark time in their past, and I don't know if our presence is triggering in and of itself. We've had some minor contact since this friendship breakup, which I guess is better than nothing. The other roommate tells me to this day that their friend breakup was worse than any romantic breakup she's had. I hope one day we are able to repair this rift, and if not, it's just a valuable learning lesson for us going forward.

Now that you started to talk about this topic, it would be amazing if you could give some advices on how to break up with a friend in more details. Like, how to overcome the fear of ending alone or hurting the other person, how to not think about how much they will hate you for it, how to accept that even though it hurts, it's the best thing... Personally, I've been dealing with this for a while now. I deeply love my best friend so it's really hard to break up things with her, but she's different now, and that's ok, but it hurts a bit to feel that she has many other priorities while I became pretty much dependent. We use to be really close, so now that we're not, it hurts a lot because I feel like I need her way more than she needs me, and waiting for things to "go back to normal" is just painful because it will never happen, but even though I know that and I accept it, doesn't make it less painful, so deep inside me I feel like I should somehow end things, but I’m so afraid of negative outcomes. It could be also be interesting to talk about what you should do if you start to fall for friend.

My experience is that I was (still am?) in a friend group of 4. I was separately friends with all of them, then I started to invite the others when I’m out with one of them, and just like that, we formed into a group of 4. However, now I’m in my hometown for summer, and they stayed in university for summer school. 3 of them are sharing the same room atm. For a whole week, I was the one who texted them, they never reached out. When I told them about it, they said that they didn’t have time to text anyone, not just me. After that, I saw their instagram stories where they were traveling to another city for the school break, being together all the time, posting stories all the time, and still, not texting me at all. Apparently, they don’t even have time to text me how have I been, but they have time to travel. So, idk what to do when I see them again next semester. I think I’ll just stop being friends with them, because it hurts.

Can you do a video on what to do when you're a survivor of CPTSD?

I wouldn't count distance as a friendship ender. If the friendship is good, even you see them once a year, it's just like the old days. Distance is a good reason to blame when there were underlying issues to break it of, kind of letting them easy.

some friendship breakups aren't caused by conflict of interest, but just by someone moving away. happened all the time in elementary school, and it always sucked because both of us wanted to stay friends

After starting grad school, I broke up with my ex of four years. I had been struggling with depression since I was in middle school, but it had worsened while I was with him. When I moved, I decided I would do what “normal” early 20-somethings do and go out to drink annd party a lot. I became rather popular in my cohort because of this: people thought I was so fun and carefree. It was something so foreign to me. I made friends with a group of girls and I thought I was so happy because I never had that before. But when I went home every day I was miserable, and it got worse over time. I didn’t know why. I thought something was wrong with me. After some really low lows, I started therapy and then psychiatry for the first time ever. I was told I should quit drinking, so over time I did. I also started dating someone at the end of my first year. After a year of dating him, my old “friend” group thought that he was controlling me and that’s why I stopped drinking and hanging out with them. It’s more complicated than that, but needless to say we had a falling out. It was upsetting, but ultimately for the best. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. My boyfriend is wonderful and has been so supportive in my journey of self discovery through therapy. The friends that I have made here that persisted have been so accepting of me and I feel great around them rather than judged and scrutinized. I got diagnosed with autism and ADHD recently and I’m more true to myself than ever. It’s all a necessary part of life

my "best friend" was also my greatest source of self-doubt and anxiety. we got along well in elementary school, then went to the same high school and the dynamic really changed. i was talking to him biking to and from school for like 2 hours every day, and those were some of the only times i felt like i could speak to someone without holding back anything, and so i didn't wanna lose that of course since i also didn't really have anyone else like that in my life. then outside of those times, he was basically a bully, whenever other people were involved. always talking down at me, making fun of everything i tried and did, making me feel inferior and borderline emotionally abusing me while going through serious mental and physical health issues. looking back now i don't understand why i was ever friends with him, because he was also a complete idiot in certain ways, but of course he was never able to see this himself, and everyone had to praise everything he did even though all the music and "art" he came up with was just tasteless and completely sterile. i never told him this, always pretended to like what he did, and all he ever did in return was try to bring me down and be better than me at everything he perceived as a weakness in himself. i always thought he was the textbook definition of a narcissist, like if i ever met one it would've been him for sure. i also knew he grew up in a completely dysfunctional family though, and i knew he was stuck alone with 2 cold, distant parents who hated eachother but never got a divorce while he was still around, and that he was probably internalizing and acting out a whole load of those toxic dynamics. because of all that, i always forgave everything he did to me, and just focussed on the intellectual stimulus i got from the conversations we would have. i never really saw him as a horrible person, but now i just have to admit to myself that yes, even though he went through emotional neglect himself, what he did to me was terrible and it made my puberty way more difficult than it had to be. i just don't talk to him anymore, i never really confronted him on everything i wrote here cause i don't see the point. he's still the same sort of person who has some piece missing. he did however admit one time that he realized that some of the stuff he said to me was pretty bad, but didn't seem to realize just how bad it was. i just said "yeah well that's in the past now" and never brought it up again. so i'd say i went into avoidance, which is also how i deal with almost all other problems in my life. i hate confrontation, to a fault. instead it just piles up, and then randomly bursts out in seemingly random and irrational bouts of self-hatred and anger. i should probably talk to him about it, but i know i won't oh and about the male female thing, i'm male which would sort of go against the general avoidant coping style, but i've also always been more feminine than a lot of men around me. always way more in touch with emotions and aesthetics and stuff of that nature, so maybe it's just that empathetic and agreeable people tend to avoid instead of confront, but that's just from my armchair of course

Throughout my childhood and teenage years my family and I moved a lot, so i've had a fair share of friendship breakups from different parts of the world. One that i remember was in middle school, I had a friend who was really nice but since my other two friends didnt like her, i kind of started seeing her through their eyes and distanced myself. She wrote me a letter in which she expressed how she noticed my change in bahavior and that she knew it was influenced by my other friends, and it made her really sad so she decided to make it easy for the both of us she would stop being my friend. As a kid i didnt know how to process it, i felt guilty for hurting her and kind of... in disbelief? Idk how else to explain it. Regrettably i also wss relieved from having to "stealthily" distance myself during recess. We continued being good classmates till i went back to my home country. With time the guilt only grew, especially since I have had friends distance themselves from me for similiar reasons. Everytime i remember this story i think about how brave and strong she was for writing that letter and making the decision to not be close to me. She deserved better and she knew it.

There are no friends only temporary acquaintances.

Hi anna, big fan! Im currently in a bit of a pickle and really dont know who to ask haha. Im at the point of wanting to split from my first time gf, but i still think she is a wonderful person who deserves the best. Its self centered i think, but i have been putting this off because she cares extremely deeply about me and plans for this to last forever. My question is, is yhere a proper way to go about this breakup to minimize how much i hurt her, and more importantly is there tactics i can use to build the courage up to ignore what the megative feelings this will bring and just do this because it is the best things for all parties? Even if you just read this, thanks for your tjme and videos! Really been helping me for a couple years now!

I ended up realizing that i was autistic in the process of having sooo many friendship breakups in my early 20s and I eventually did get diagnosed for being somewhere in the ASD spectrum

Thank you🎉off topic---Can you speak on how to move on and stop letting dark repeating thoughts about a violent crime I was a victim of? I thought I guess suppressed it but realize I never fully healed. I had another big life experience that ended negatively and it retriggered all those same emotions. I just can't understand why I can't get through this all these years later.😢