OMG, I cried all the video. 😭 You described 30 years of my life struggling with my gender identity from age 20 to 50 when I was crossdressing privately when I was alone. I can remember at least 3 times that I have done “purge” of my very feminine clothing. As you said, the feeling of crossdressing was awesome but after the climax I got ashamed and guilty of what I am. I was not understating who I was and why I was doing that. Too much time before going to see a psychiatrist and sexologist specialized which transgender peoples. I finally discovered in 2019 that I am a non-binary transfeminine. I have done my coming-out in summer 2019 and started HRT in last March. Since January 2020, I live fulltime with feminine clothing and I never felt so well in my life as now. I agree, life is too short to not live as you are. Do not wait 50 years to become who you are! Thanks again Dr Z, you are amazing!

“I don’t want you to live even one more minute not as your true self.” Thank you Dr. Z I really needed to hear that this morning

watching this hurts my heart. i've recently come out as trans nonbinary and the only thing i wish to see is all my trans sisters to be comfortable in who they are and how they present themselves. :-(

There are tears in my eyes this was such a mood. Happens far less than it did, but I've dumped a fortune into the bin in shame and self loathing over the years. I have especially had to struggle with the idea that wearing a wig is correcting a minor physical fault the same as wearing glasses and not me playing pretend, thinking about transitioning when you already have low self esteem is a minefield.

Im 23 and i've been questioning for some time, and while I definitely feel great when dressing in feminine clothing, I have felt this fear of "all or nothing". It been the primary thing holding me back. I see a Gender therapist next week, and i'm glad I found this video, its releasing to know that what I'm feeling is normal and not a sign of a mistake being made. Thank you for making these videos, they mean the world to some!

I cried so many times during and after watching this video. Everything you mentioned in this video, I was doing for all of my life. After years of denial, I “come out” to my wife 2 days ago, that I am a trans person. In 10 years of relationship with her, I could not be truly myself. She was however understanding and accepted me. I want to thank you Dr. Z. Your videos were eye opening and helped me realize that denial was slowly killing me. 3 months ago I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. At this point, it seems all of that has gone. I am a happy trans girl now. Thank you.

I have experienced this exact same problem where I tried on a dress, looked at myself in the mirror and felt ashamed of myself and I haven't worn a dress since. It's a very relieving feeling knowing that this didn't just happen to me. Great video!

I am 49 and will be 50 in two weeks. This is exactly how I’ve been acting for years especially now that I am going through a divorce. I’m on my on for the first time and able to explore myself.

I was guilty of purging my feminine wardrobe one time in my younger years. It was the product of negative religious influences, but mostly, the result of the era I grew up. Those of us who are older had no support in those days; no internet, no resources, no available help. There wasn't even any discussion of the topic, as it largely didn't exist. Therefore, it was a rather hopeless outlook on life. The younger generation is so lucky to be growing up with the support system they now have: such as caring therapists like yourself! One can only hope that the outlook for future generations will continue to improve. I would never purge like that any more. With age, experience, and wisdom, I recognize that its who I am, and a critical part of my identity.

I'm 46 years old and this is actually where I'm at in life.

I recently had the exact same feeling. My friend did my makeup and helped present as feminine, and I absolutely hated my reflection in the mirror. I didn’t have the courage to tell my friend, since I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. That was some really good advice, and a really good explanation for what I was feeling. Thank you so much for this video!

Very good explanation! I have talked to friends that "don't have a chance" trying to get them to see that they look like a football player in a dress. (back when I was young I was a real doll!) Now I'm 75 and look like an old man in a dress. So I have changed my mode to being "man that wears frilly clothes." What I am most amazed about is how much things have changed in the past ten years!

I never threw anything out but I absolutely felt this. It's hard to put in so much work shaving and doing makeup only for the smile to slowly drop off your face when you're done and you feel like all your effort was for nothing. And the hopelessness comes (at least for me) from feeling like your face "ruins" whatever you want to do.

When I started crossdressing, I thought I would never pass, so I accepted it. I dressed for years in private and often dressed only. No makeup. I liked the feel of dresses and, like your said, I was hyper feminine, but always assuming I couldn't pass. In school, girls always told me I had great cheekbones, but I paid no mind. After years of dressing only, I discovered makeup. I watched tutorials on YT, shaved my beard (it's heavy) and did my best. When I finished, as bad as it was, I could easily see an attractive woman in there. This is what got me to seek professional guidance. After talking with a gender therapist and a psychiatrist, I started HRT and my breasts immediately responded. It's like they were waiting for a sign to go! I never would have transitioned believing I couldn't pass. My awakening was when I realized I would pass in society. I don't need to be beautiful, but I do need to pass, undetected, to have the life I want as a woman. I waited 30+ years because I assumed I couldn't look feminine enough. Today, the ONLY regret I have is I waited far too long to be me. I've been a woman, officially, for over 5 years and I have truly loved every minute of it. It's not always wonderful, but I AM always a woman and that's enough for now. Stay beautiful. Jennifer 💋👠💄

Thank you so much, "Transphobia" a new word for me. Explains so much what I have been going through for so many years. Its where I have been all my life. I do have a special person inside me that has begged my male self to let her out. It has been an awful way to go through my life. Once more I have ordered Beverley some new clothes; I hope she will be able to wear them without my male ego's ridicule judgment and scorn... its been a terrible struggle. Wish me luck. Please keep yourself safe during this covid crisis, we need you in our lives. Your a wonderful voice of reason.

Dr Z, you spoke in this video with such heart-felt sympathy, compassion and understanding, I love it. I'm lucky to be a girl who likes to dress in more gender neutral style, and easier to pass as my gender identity, but I also experience internalized transphobia occassionally as you mentioned in this video. Thank you so much for this education and your kind words!💖

I thought this was a very thoughtful and nice video! A word to people just starting on their journey of affirming their identity, or starting transition... if you maintain a hopeful and positive attitude, you will not believe what is possible! I felt like passing as a cis woman would be impossible for me. I am 6'2" tall and grew up angry and bitter. Now I am a charming and feminine woman that passes constantly. Even at my work, only 2 people even know I am transgender. Hormones are absolutely magical. And working on your personality and projecting femininity with your mannerisms and voice can do so much. Don't limit yourselves to just changing your physical appearance, gender is much more than that! And you got this! You can all do great if you stay hopeful

I've been struggling for years with my gender dysphoria and I've seen multiple therapists but I wish that only one would have had the knowledge and compassion like you do. Thank you so much for encouraging and giving hope ❤️

wow. this video helped me realized i was stuck in this cycle, not just for crossdressing, but for everything i have built up in my ego

Thank you for this video. It basically describes my entire life. So much shame in my teens and then cycle of binging/purging. Once I realized those feelings were never going away, I stopped purging but that didn’t stop the shame. Cross dressing always follows a pattern for me. Dress up after a long withdrawal and feel great. Then subsequent times would feel more “normal” and less euphoric for me, but that was also nice. Then I would start seeing myself negatively in the mirror and hating myself for being “a man in a dress”, this leading to another long withdrawal from it all. Today I’m trying to be more open and gradual with it, but the shame still haunts me and I still feel like I’m doing something wrong at times. Ugh!

When crossdressed I use to feel like that but as I started to play with outfits and study women's fashion more intently, I found that instead of focusing on the whole body, just focusing on small parts that look feminine gave me relief. Eventually I started putting these different areas together into larger areas. I'm 6 foot and over 200lbs so it's hard finding the right combo of clothes that can make you happy. For me cardigans, skinny Jeans and booties can really get me looking femme. Just need permission from the fiance to shave (she like the beard to much) and I would feel confident enough to go explore a park! Lol But I agree 100% that small steps and patience with yourself is key!

Yes! Easing into it in increments is the way to go. I married late in life (44). I wanted a family more than I wanted to be the kind of woman I had ever succeeded in being, so I quit. But the woman was still in me, so gradually I had to let her out. Before I was married, I was trying to be this woman, and failing. When I got married, I stopped trying to be anyone other than my true self. Eventually I realized I had a lot more typically female traits than male. Trying to be a woman wasn't my mistake. I was trying to be the wrong woman. The woman I am now grew from what was always inside of me. I'm the denim skirt and jersey dress girl that most girls grow up to be once they outgrow the allure of trying to be a glamor girl.

I think this is something ftm transgender people also experience. As a genderfluid person, the first time I tried on mens clothing I felt so ashamed and insufficient, it was bad. Now I wear mens boxers very often under my female pants and while it makes me happy and proud, I also feel a deep sadness everytime I look in the mirror or whenever my husband sees me like that. It triggers my dysphoria to see the female body in it, the shape of my hips and that typical female fat in that area that makes it look so different from what my husband looks in his underwear. So the feeling of being insufficient is still very strong.. Thank you for your videos, I always look forward to seeing them on fridays!

Ya. This video addressed that so well! My first recent event of crossdressing led me to the latter group reaction. When talking about it to my best friend (wife at the time), she flipped out and that just reinforced the transphobia. That was crushing and had me doubting my competency in making any rational decision in life. But later, after coming to grips with the inner and Divine Feminine in me, I got the courage to do it again. This time, I went with my intuition and took photos of me. Now, understand, I didn't shave or pluck any body hair, either time, and I had nothing to help "look the part" except my long hair and inflected demeanor while in the clothing. But, the second time, I kept repeating to myself "Don't judge! See the real you! This is real!". The photos, I think, were my way of having proof that it's not fake or me getting drawn into a social "fad". I look at them and see a step toward celebration, rather than humoring my secret self.

Been there and done that over 15 years. I'm now just over one year into transition, name change done ( end of 2019 } and living full time. looking back I feel fortunate that when I would purge it was never for very long and I never threw any clothes away unless I'd worn them out. I've watch a few of your videos now and they have helped when I've doubted myself, Thanks

Great video, ive been crossdressing since my teens and have been through all of this. Now my 2 daughters know and are very supportive of me and ive never been happier except the fact that i still dont go out dressed, i just do it at home.

Since my 1sr 'outing' as my female self for a weekend event for crossdressers and transpeople 5 years ago in England, I found that I pass quite well...Was told by a hotel staff on the morning of my departure that I looked better as a woman than a man. As I was wobbling down the stairs on flat heeled mae's shoes, in my only male change of clothing I wore before my first proffessional makeover. All inprivate. That day my last night in England before flying back north, I felt that my male clothes was 'crossdressing' in itself. My next three trips during the next 18 months affirmed these feelings. Coming back and play the game of masquerade in male form as who and what people know me as has been a literal pain in the neck. Now, I'm trying to come to terms internally before letting my close ones know that my crossdressing goes much deeper: That I can finally put to words what has been my burde for decades. Guilt and shame is the name of the energies I need to purge before anything else...As my kundalini surges from the depts of my shaktic pelvic bowl up my spines..

Another great video. I can certainly relate to your remarks...I had always wanted to wear women's clothes, but thought that dressing up was exactly that....lipstick, makeup, high heels, etc...But when It came to transition I decided instead of dressing up I would dress down, & it worked like clockwork. When I'm out locally, or indeed in town, I usually wear an old raincoat, always flat shoes, carry an Asda bag, wear no makeup whatsoever, & people just look through me...the grey hair helps also!! In fact, on the tube, gentlemen will often offer me a seat..."wanna seat love?" to which I reply..."oh, yes, thank you very much"... for which I am most grateful, since the tube is packed like sardines & like an oven in summer... I think some people find it hard to pass is because someone of 60 dresses like someone of 18, which looks silly whoever does it....as I say to my friends..a girl of 20 has had 20 years of female programming, but you haven't...

Thank you so much Dr. Z for this video! Ive gone through this just recently but it had to do with my x not allowing my kids to see me because i told her that I was going through transition. I came out in 2015 but said I wasn’t going to transition through absolute fear. I’ve gone through mixed feelings in looking at myself in the mirror after cross dressing but it’s very positive over all. I didn’t order online but went into shops and purchased women’s clothing and make up. I believe you need to push through these huge steps. I’m 45 so I identify big time!

I am 63. I figured out things were wrong at 3. I tried show this to my mom then, and was shut down. I dressed in my older sister's clothing in secret for some years, as relief perhaps, but concretely as a means of proving my sincerity to whatever higher power might exist that I was begging at the time that I was serious about wanting to be changed into a girl. Once I hit puberty, the incongruity of the image started to hit me, got really bad, and I stopped. Didn't try again until age 60, after I'd lost 150 pounds, began HRT, and been on it for a year. And I STILL had to win this battle :) I am one of those "NFL Lineman" people whose mask of masculinity was taken to an extreme. I ended up letting myself go because I while I didn't precisely want to kill myself with all that comes with that, and I'd failed to die by sheer physical peril from a 20 year military career...I didn't want to live either. Massively overweight 6'2" 324 lbs, massive health problems. Actual suicide attempt. Join gym, lose half my body weight, therapy, hrt. Socially transitioned for 3 years now. 170 lbs 6'1" (lost an inch, HRT can make you shorter. Lost 3 shoes sizes too. This with starting HRT at 59). I pass in public without a problem. Name is changed. I am a girly girl :) Excellent health. 2 days ago, I bought my first swim dress after being invited to a beach trip in the upcoming year and was complimented quite a bit on how it looks on me. I am a "tall drink of water", apparently :) ALL that...condensed as the telling was...took TIME. If this is you...give yourself TIME. You can figure it out. You can do it. I would post pics for the impact of the transformation but this isn't the place. But if I can do it...at this age, from where I was to where I am, anyone can do it. :)

DR Z... you've helped me so much! I'm seeing a therapist weekly...but in the meantime, I watch your videos. You always cover topics that I would have never thought to bring up at my therapy. You're helping me become who I was supposed to be all along, and I really appreciate you doing these videos! =)

I am still closet. I love being dressed as a woman. I dress up as much as I can. I have a shopping problem but I do it in person. No amazon or google. I love how I look. Think I am passable. It’s my voice I need to work on. As matter of fact plan on going out next week in public day time for first time.

Wow your so bang on! This is how I used to feel when started crossdressing, it was that overbearing wrongness, pervert, judgemental bs society created that made me feel bad and honestly delayed my transition for at least 28yrs I knew how I felt when I was 14 xdressing for 1st time, 40 was the age I finally got courage to do anything about it 😊 thanks great video

Hi Dr Z. Thanks for your channel and this video. I am in my late 50's and have only come to realise my feminine side this year. Discovering Vinted (in the UK) was a great place to get access to cheap (pre loved) women's clothes to experiment with. More by accident than design (i guess) I have already been wearing panties and stockings instead of pants and socks for months before I decided to try corss dressing. I have never thought myself handsome or good looking. I have never liked my reflection and tend to ignore and avoid mirrors until last week when I dressed up with a full makeup. I have never had the reaction that I had upon seeing my full reflection. I was looking at a beautiful woman and it was me. I couldn't believe it. I was stunned. words fail me, I was like Narcissus. I felt pretty (not handsome) which is a first for me and i couldn't stop looking at my face. The polar opposite of what I do as a man. Where I go from here I dont know. but I am not the same as I was before and im not sure there is any going back. So I guess i'm going to have to deal with the problems and myriad trans issues that others go through. Why couldn't this have happened in my twentys or thirtys, why did I wait till now!

Doctor Z, thank you for all you do. It is truly amazing how many of the stages we go through. I have been that crossdresser who purged - not just once, but twice (and never since then). I've been disowned by my siblings, and for a while at least, I was accepted by my mother, only for her to change her mind and harden her view that dresses are for girls and women, and certainly not someone like me. She's older now, and I have gotten to the point where I have semi-retired from work and my new role will not require me to see people in a work environment. It still amazes me that certain groups were not criticised (nor do I think they should be) but trans men and women were absolutely hammered....labelled as all kinds of nasty words. Or they are a figure of fun, in the way my mother and family would think about it. Nine months ago, after several years of 'social transitioning' as a woman, I decided I would take a further significant step - to medically transition. So I have been and am on that journey now, and yes, I feel considerably more happier, affirmed and more confident in myself. I mean, I have dressed in public for a long time but as for passing....I don't know! But I do my best. However, watching your channel confirmed how serious my gender dysphoria was.....for years...decades even, I could not understand why I would say I was happy go lucky (on the surface) but in reality I was often depressed for months at a time. It got even worse when I realised that some friends just viewed me as a crossdresser and that's not how I saw it at all. There's nothing wrong with being a crossdresser at all, but I felt that I was denying my true gender which is my true self. Is there anything more self-harming we could do to ourselves? However, I have a lady dance teacher who instructs me in waltz, quickstep....all the ballroom dances. She address me as 'Rachel' and when I go to certain places in public I am often treated respectfully and as a woman. Over time, I hope I can pass better but this is more about the internal journey. I feel for all of us who deal with this, but there are resources, and Doctor's Z's channel is literally saving lives. Thank you for all you do.

Dr Z you are helping us understand ourselves so well and bringing us so much comfort and hope!!! I had no idea that internalised transphobia was a thing until you explained it, and now each time i feel that prickling me, I can recognise and understand what is happening. Finally after 20 years i can understand that i am allowed to transition. Thank you Dr Z, I swear the work you are doing is saving people's lives out here!!! Sending so much positive power to you from Nottingham, UK!!

I feel like I fall into both categories in this video, and I really appreciate your talk on this topic because the times when I feel that shame and internalised transphobia really had sowed a lot of doubt like "am I really trans/ trans enough or am I just a effeminate man" or "I'll never pass" or it makes me feel like I need to repress my identity even more etc. On the contrary the times when I feel really amazing and affirmed by wearing feminine clothing I don't even care that I wouldn't pass, it just feels so good to see myself being true to myself. Thank you for all your videos they have been really helping me to understand my feelings and love myself more ❤️

Having an androgynous body, I always had mixed feeling regardless what clothes I wore. I look butch if I wear male clothing unless it's baggy but if I fully crossdress, it's hard for me to overlook the more masculine parts of my body. But later on I found a happy medium wearing both male and more moderate women's clothing. Though dresses are still a no-go for me until I develop a more effeminate figure.

Thank you Dr. Z for being so open-minded, caring and supportive. I think I've figured myself out for a while now but I always watch your new videos nevertheless. Not everything that you say specifically applies to me but it often does. Today it does. The first times I've crossdressed as a kid I remember looking at myself in the mirror and not liking it. I remember feeling that I looked like a boy in girl's clothes and being disappointed by that. When I started crossdressing as an adult and looked in the mirror I felt the same. I somehow still feel the same 6 months after having figured my real gender but I don't tell myself that I see a man in a dress in the mirror. Instead I tell myself that I see someone that looks like one. I'm happy and lucky that I have the mental predisposition to understand very clearly and easily the distinction between sex and gender and not having to deal with the eternal cycle of self doubt. As a result, I understand when I look in the mirror that I'm not a man but I still see someone who looks like one and that still hurts. I've purged many times too.

I've gone through this cycle a few times. A few weeks ago I bought some new feminine clothes. I generally avoid mirrors like the plague in everyday life - even to the point of brushing my teeth every day in the shower, in the dark, or with my eyes closed, so I don't have to see this strange person staring at me. For some reason, however, I HAD to look at myself in the mirror after putting on my clothes. I saw the monster in the mirror again, but something was different this time. I covered the lower half of my face, and it wasn't so bad. I shaved my beard for the first time in 20 years to see if it would help. It didn't, and almost made things worse. But this time I leaned in and looked more closely, and started to think of ways I could maybe make a difference - pluck my eyebrows, lose some weight (that's a big one), etc. It gave me a little hope, and I refrained from throwing everything in a box in the closet this time. I've been wearing the feminine clothes most days, since I work from home, and find myself dreading having to change out of them to leave the house. A few days ago I looked down at my chest and thought to myself "Dang, my tits look amazing right now." A minute later, it hit me - that was the first time, at 37 years old, that I have ever had a truly positive feeling about any part of my body. That singular moment was eye-opening, and puts so many things into perspective. Thank you so much for this channel. I only found it yesterday, and it has been such an amazing help.

Thank you so much for this video. I went through the cycle of purging for many years, from my teenage years when I started buying my own feminine clothes right up until I was in my early forties. Although I loved wearing the clothes seeing myself in the mirror always made me sad and I’d eventually throw everything away and tell myself I would never do it again. A few months later I would start buying clothes again. When I reached the age of 45 I was quite depressed because of it and felt I had to do something so I visited a makeover service. I was surprised how nice I looked when professionally styled. It boosted my confidence enough to start going out dressed and not being so ashamed of how I looked. I ended up training to be a makeup artist which I really loved. I’m now in my 50’s and I still suffer from internalized transphobia but love having a night out as my femme self and haven’t purged for maybe 10 years. I still don’t know if I am transgender or just a cross dresser? Sometimes I think I’m transgender other times I just feel like I’m crazy 😕 I don’t know if I will ever really know or fully understand myself. Thank you for your videos 💖

Omg thank you so much! As I'm sure many here can attest, this is definitely a vicious circle that will continue if you can't accept yourself. Its taken me (and still does) many years to accept me for me. This is a first for me! Finding a video that has resonated so well to such a true and honest degree about trans / gender identity. Thank you so much for bringing these issues to light! 😘

When she got to the "cross dressing purge" I immediately started crying. I've been certainly having those thoughts lately, about going and buying a cute outfit even though I've just barely started my journey. Taking it slow and loving yourself gradually is a heavy wisdom that hit me so hard. My gender expression has always been very feminine and I kept it very closeted as I would only express alot of that through video games and internet spaces where I could be "myself" without having to face scrutiny. Now that I've come to terms with my femininity, I really just want to embrace it, even though I'm still in a male body.

I've always had an overwhelming interest in women's clothing and began to dress in private after college. I can't tell you how many times I've purged collections of clothing. It felt good to wear them, then I'd become afraid someone would find out, so out went the clothing. Eventually, women's clothing became the only comfortable clothing and one day I ended up purging my male clothing. I've never had regrets about it because I have found personal style and self acceptance. I can't say I'm without jealousy of other transwomen who pass, but I also love myself. And that is most helpful.

Been there more than once. I choose everyday to be me and happy with me. That is my everyday purpose so now I don't see the "man in a dress". I see a beautiful woman living her true life!

thank you for all your videos Dr. Z

The first time I saw myself with makeup on my heart broke. Fortunately my real self absolutely had to get out and it didn't really stop me but there's nothing worse than expecting to see what you needed your whole life and not finding it.

The internalized self-Transphobia you mentioned kept pushing off my transition by 20+ years. Now I’m so extremely happy with who I am in my transition that I can’t even imagine my life any other way. 6’3” and thought I’d never pass... now I generally pass most of the time in public. I truly wish I hadn’t fallen victim to the self-transphobia I felt all those years ago as I could have been truly happy for so long now instead of just 7 months in.

Thank you so much. So much of this made sense. 100% of what I’ve been battling for the last several years.. especially looking in the mirror and seeing a man in women’s clothing and they throwing it all away. This has led to years of major depression and self medication with substance abuse. I wish I didn’t make it harder than what it is.

I needed this video 25 years ago, but I'm happy it's here for all the new people. Thank you Z very much for everything. You're an angel.

you're the best gender specialist i've ever come across anywhere. your insights are so profound. you're a blessing to the community and i love you.

This lady is amazing. I’m out nearly 3 and half weeks. I have big disco nails. Wear makeup. Organise everything. Great pics and then I looked in the mirror. It’s purely my face. I regressed for a few days but now I’m staying strong. That trans phobic inner voice calls me unnatural etc. I try to ignore it.

So true, it’s what happened to me. My god the tears and pain... thanks for contextualising it. I love your videos. And it delayed me two years...

"Don't give up" is definitely a motto to live by in cross-dressing. You absolutely will have moments where you feel ugly. You absolutely will have moments where you want to give up. That's okay, you can stop for a few days. You can stop for a week, hell stop for as long as you need to. But always get back up. Always realise there's more you can do to fix the problems. And cross-dressing is always a combination of small things, that add up to one big thing. The uncanny valley is really relevant when it comes to feminization. Small hints of masculinity can push your brain to see a guy in a dress. Remove or disguise those hints, and you will be pushed towards femininity more and more. When I first bought a wig, I put it on and was immediately heartbroken. I saw a big nosed, bushy eyebrowed slightly skinny dude, in a manga wig. I wanted to cry and I swore I would never in my life show anyone that picture. I did nothing for a week or two, but was determined to find the solution. It came in the form of a KZfaq crossdresser, who gave the advice to buy six cheap wigs on Amazon, and try them all until you find the one that suits you. I found my favourite wig that way. But still things bothered me. I realised that having bushy eyebrows is a strong hint of masculinity. So I learnt to pluck, or how to hide them. Still looking at pictures, I would like them at first, but then hate them in a week or two. Particularly if I've had some wine when I do it, I've sent pictures to friends thinking I look amazing one evening, then look back at the messages the next day and utterly cringe at myself (They were always very polite and supportive haha). I realised I needed to learn makeup. The first time I tried lipstick and eyeliner, it actually looked terrible. Of course it did, I'd never done it before! Though it was initially feminizing and made me feel good, again in a couple of weeks, I hated it. I still felt some of the shame that Dr z talks about. But I had learned from the previous experiences. I knew it was Problem solving time again. I got online and found male to female makeup tutorials. I started watching lots of eyeshadow tutorials. Lip liner tutorials. Contouring. Foundation skin tone matching. Every time I saw something I didn't like, I would try to find the solution to it. Now I'm at the stage where I'm happy to go out in public, people seem to treat me as a woman, I get positive reactions and I've even been chatted up and asked for my phone number. I get gender euphoria consistently, and I like my pictures even months later. Always remember, women have usually been practising makeup from early teens. They have their signature look down, and practise it every day. That is what your brain is basing its model of femininity on. For some of us, we are well into our 40s, 50s, or 60s, before we have a pickup and eyeliner pencil. So cut yourself some slack. If you feel dysphoria, if you feel like you want to give up, then that's okay. Lean into it for a while, there's often nothing to be gained by forcing yourself. But once that has passed, go into a problem solving mindset. Pretty much everything can be fixed with some combination of feminization tools. Lastly I would say if you are feeling really stuck and defeated, book yourself into a cross-dressing service. They can try out the wigs, the outfits, and the makeup styles which fit you, and they can take you through the enormously time saving step of matching your foundation and concealer. All steps that can take months of effort and trial and error. Fall off the horse. Writhe around in agony on the floor for a bit (after all falling off a horse does kind of hurt). The horse runs off bucking wildly into the forest. But eventually, that beautiful white pony will return, and invite you to climb back on. You're wiser for the experience, and this time the journey will be smoother x

Thank you for making this video Dr Z, this has given me a lot of insite into myself and helped me understand myself and why I feel the ways I do

This happened when I was 16 and my dad came home. Thought I was one of my brothers gf and told me he was going to tell my dad. He looked at me like he knew me but couldn't be sure. I'm 37 now

for bringing psychological relief to people you are such a nice person, thank you so much

Thank you so much for your video! That describes my life in the last 5-10 years, things were really difficult. At 28, after 6-8 months of denial, I need to be the woman I should be is getting back stronger and stronger, I am just slowly accepting myself as a female in the last month and take it slow to make sure my feelings are consistent, I now plan to see a gender therapist in the next weeks in order to start talking about that and hopefully starting HRT in the next months.

Hi! first of all, I wanna thank you for uploading these totally free videos, they have been extremely helpful to me during this hard time of my life, my experience is that I'm 17 years old now, since I was like 15 I have the thought that maybe I'm a trans person, because when I was like 4 without knowing anything I said I wanted to be a girl, recently I have experience like a feeling inside of me related to my gender, I'm trying to guess if I'm male or female, so I lock myself in the bathroom, I take my mom's makeup and I dress like a woman, I even get a towel as hair, I feel quite good, but then I look at the mirror and I hate what I'm seeing, I start seeing all the defects that would never make me pass as a woman in case I identify as one, so then I put all that off and I forget about it, I really try like every week to dress up and try to look female, but I can't, and also I don't want to do anything else , I always stay thinking about that, avoiding all my school tasks and everything else, I hope one day to get out of this situation and find my inner self. Sorry for my English, I'm Spanish and maybe they are some mistakes.

I needed to hear this so much. Thank you!

One tip I recommend for trans-fem people is to hit the weight room and focus on your lower body, meaning no bench press, dead lifts or curls, only things like squats, russian twisters, planks etc. It will help fill out your hips and thighs, which will look very femme if you keep your arms and chest small. It can help while waiting for the hormones to kick in and also helps you if your face isn't passable yet (or if you are waiting for ffs)

This is tough to get through 🥺😫😭 THANK YOU for this and you other videos, they're very eye opening

Thank you so much for creating this page as a resource for us to find guidance, healing, and self acceptance... I really can’t express how helpful you have been.. simply put you have been life changing for me. Thank you Dr. Z!!! 💜

Thank you Dr Z my first video learning of the fears I feel that will slowly subside through the course of my transition gives me great confidence now I have more knowledge from listening to you and you're wonderful.

I had recently stopped fighting my female self. I had been on hormones once before and I stopped because my life got crazy....but I have to be myself, now I'm back on hormones and happy again...

Thank you very much Dr Z for this video. This was me but I scaled down and started to wear some female articles of clothing and decorations and I am taking it easy now.

Really interesting topic about purge cross dressing. I have spent hundreds of £’s on clothes. The process was exactly as you told it. I am a 51 year old mtf who is out, I will be going to go to work in the new year as my feminine self. I have told everyone about this and it’s totally fantastic the reaction I have received. I used to dress, look in the mirror then then feel I always wanted more improvement. It confused me to the point I would never pass if I don’t do this or that. I would then dump everything then say I must be a man then I need to be a man. I would then buy lots of male clothes, grow a beard and acting tough. This was so distressing as my dysphoria would come back worse each time. Thank you. You are always so right about what you say xx

Omg, I feel so on touch with this message, I am so glad that I heard your message, I really hope my journey can begin. I am so ready to embrace myself and make my changes to live free.I really need help finding a therapist and a doctor that can prescribe me estrogen and begin my transition to live a much healthier and happier lifestyle. 😊

Several years back, after my then wife and I separated, I had obtained some women's clothing. They felt amazing and so confirming, but at the same time I felt like I was just a pervert fetishizing women's clothes. So after a couple of months I put them away for a couple of years. About then I acquired some more women's clothing and started wearing them again, some articles even publically. Again my internalized transphobia surfaced. I cleaned what I had and donated them to a local thrift shop and stopped cross dressing for another couple of years. This past year I've been cross dressing again, but I recognize my transphobia for what it is. Some days I feel great wearing women's clothing. Other times I feel phony and non passing, but I keep reminding myself that this just transphobia. I occasionally wear some, what I feel I can get away with, women's clothes publically, some secretly, as well as in the privacy of my own home. My struggle with my internalized transphobia is ongoing and probably not going to be resolved for some time. At times I find myself envious of transwomen I see who seem so comfortable in their own skin and I want to be at that point already. But my struggle is as individual as I am and I can only take it one step at a time. All I know is that I am determined to get there and eventually I will. Thank you for this video, Doctor.

Dr. Z, you are a genius and I LOVED this video! It was as if you were describing my own life so accurately and you are the first person to so clearly show me what was happening to me. I have so many times experienced exactly what you have described, the initial joy and comfort, then the guilt, the purging, the relapses, the cycle repeated so many times. Thanks so much for the information you provide, and the inspiration you have given me. If it were possible, I would be one of your clients or patients because you seem to be the only professional I have heard who really DOES understand, but I am not a California or Florida resident.

Thank you so much for this amazing information !! It was so helpful

Thank you for this wonderful information. I have gone through this over and over.

oh my god i threw away some expensive lingerie when I was younger😫 i feel so bad for people trapped in that cycle. and now I'm out and i love myself, and people around me say those terrible things to me but it doesn't upset me at all. to be fair I would have lost my job 100% if I tried to come out back then...but yeah you perfectly described what I did, I appreciate the video but you should have made it in 2007😂😂 really thank you❤

Yes, the 1st time I put on a dress, I looked and said “I’m just a man in a dress”. But it still felt right. Be true to yourself. If you’re not a supermodel as a man, you’re not going to be a supermodel as a woman. Especially the 1st time you walk in heels. For me, I’ve always been an observer of people. So I went back on what I’ve learned. People come in all sizes, body types, and appearances. And no matter where you land, someone will find you attractive. So I made a list of the things I didn’t like about my appearance, and set forth in changing them. I also understand completely that this is a long process, and it takes patience. And a ton of it. Stay on corse, stay focused on your what makes you happy, and stop comparing yourself to others. It took me a bit of time, but I found a style of clothing that fits my body type. Therefore it makes me look more feminine. Despite popular belief, not everyone can look stunning in anything. I have also been working hard on my physical shortcomings, while improving my physical assets. I still have a long way to go, but I have already came so far ahead. So keep things as realistic as possible, and your expectations will be met. I’m 53yo. Been working on this for about a year. It’s hard to erase 52 years of manhood over night. Thank you, and wish you all the best of luck in finding your true self.

Love from México Dr Z. Mientras leía los comentarios y te escuchaba no puedo dejar de llorar. I need this. Omg

Yes! Thank you so much for this video ❤️❤️❤️ appreciate all of your videos but this one especially

This video describes my experience perfectly. I crossdressed a lot when I was in my teens. When I left home after college I was able to buy my own clothes that I would wear around my apartment. The last time I purged was a decade ago. I didn't start buying things again until recently and I've actually accepted the fact that I am trans and it isn't some phase. The desire to transition was always there, but I never acted on it. Mainly for fear of not passing since I'm close to 6'6" and built like a football player. Those painful thoughts when looking in a mirror and seeing myself dressed always makes transition seem impossible though(It still does, but I'm trying to fight through them).

Wow... I fell into group 2 for so much of my life... maybe ten cycles so far... "dress, shame, burn"... yes I feel it. After nine months' therapy I got my inner critic under control and that allowed me to actually _accept_ myself and I'm delighted to fall into group 1 now... I bought some simple, comfortable loungewear and PJs, I feel _really_ at home in them and I no longer get aroused by crossdressing as I used to, it just feels _right_ and _normal_ ... this is a great video to explain what was and is going on... thank-you.

Thank you very much Dr Z. I circle back to this video often because it helps to set my pace. i am 45 and I can identify a lot with what you said. Being patient helps to accept myself more and more.

I went through this massively in my 20s and 30s without understanding what was really going on. I grew up Catholic in a small conservative town in New Zealand in the 90s-2000s, and had other repressed issues, so it's only now in my mid-40s that I'm finally allowing myself to be truly me.

Wow this is exactly what happened to me the first time I tried on a load of new feminine clothing I bought, it all stayed hidden in the wardrobe in the spare bedroom for months! I am gradually letting myself wear some of it at home for short times to get myself used to it

I've cycled through purges several times in 5 decades, each one brought about by different changes in my life. Usually when changing where I was living, and with whom. While I did experience the self-trans-phobia, the physical pleasure, the 'rightness' helped my get through, until there was the risk of discovery while changing housing. But, since seeing a therapist on a semi regular basis and coming out to my wife and son, half of my closet is now "hers" and the other half is "his". Wigs and makeup that i'd have hidden in the past are out, on shelves and even if I'm not dressing, seeing them, in the open, has a calming effect on me. A year after my first therapy session dressed authentically, I still see the same guy I've seen for 57 years. But, on numerous I get reassuring feedback from my therapist and two physicians, neither of which are the endocrinologist who prescribed my HRT. Strangers on the street refer to me as she/her or, at worst ignore me. I hope that someday I'll see "her' in the mirror, but for now "feeling" her in my mind's eye is enough.

this has hit me so hard... thank you soo much i have never been able to understand this enough to explain this to my partner until now !

Thank you for this video. Its been a life long struggle and I watched this video the day before my appointment for gender confirming care with a clinician. Your views and understanding of this topic are heart warming and helpful.

Dr. Z it sound like you have a copy of my life story. While I cross dress during my 20's I purged about 6 times and just as you described I looked in the mirror and felt let down as I didn't have any curves and nothing to fill a bra. I was rejected and gathered up all clothes and threw them away. This would go on for over 25 years till finally in my early thirties my therapist recommend I start hormones. While I didn't have great chances as I'm experiencing now just having minor breast development did wonders for me! If my therapist at the time had taken you approach and do small step instead of trying to make me go all in I believe I would have transitioned back then. Now I'm happier than I every been as I have a understanding therapist that's willing to learn and not push and a doctor who is willing to made adjustments so I can get the results I want. These videos help play a great part as they touch on subjects my therapist haven't and they help me to understand my past. You also give the best advice take it one step at a time which has given me a positive mind set and relieved a lot of my doubts and fears!

Hi Dr. Z. I can *really* relate to this. I identify as a transgender person and I’m going on 19 years old now. I did a crossdressing purge when I was 15 years old. Got it all shipped to my home, put it on, enjoyed it a lot privately in my bedroom on several occasions (where I have no mirrors). It was really great and felt like home. One night I was home alone and went to the bathroom, still in my crossdressing clothes and saw myself in the mirror and I felt disgusted. It was that way because my masculine face didn’t match the feminine clothes, all the body hair was giving me Dysphoria and it felt so strange. I’m not sure if I felt more like a boy in girls clothes or a girl with a boys face and body hair. It was so strange. I put all the clothes in a box and threw it away the night before the trash trucks came (so my mom wouldn’t see it in the trash the next morning). Well… I went on to drop another $300 on crossdressing clothes about a year or so later. I came back to it despite that experience, and I think that says a lot for the better. I still wanted to do it after the shock. Anyway, I totally relate.

This was so nice of you, thanks.

omg I did exactly this so many times before coming to terms with myself, its taken a long time and still at times can be a battle, thank you so much DrZ your video's are amazing

I did this for 30 years in private in a very specific way, exclusively swimwear and exercise wear. I always saw it as a fetish and a sexual release because I was very slow to find my first partner, at 27. However, it bubbled away in the background until I was 44... Luckily, I didn't make the mistake of going full on fem straight away, I found myself drawn to wearing ladies tops, ankle boots and spent 18 months living as a gender non conformist, I was surprised how little people seemed to care or notice! However, I wanted to take it further and that's when the going got tougher, my personality makes it really hard and I have had serious issues with anxiety and depression. I've come back out as non binary but keeping the same name and pronouns, I still want surgery but am trying to find a place of peace and self acceptance, and somehow being less anxious about "passing" and of what others think

Your work is so helpful! If you feel comfortable with the topic, would you consider doing a video about being trans and neurodivergent? There is a noticeably large amount of trans folk that are also on the autism spectrum, ADHD, etc. But being on the spectrum can lead to questions from neurotypical cis (and sometimes trans) people about how we know we are trans. Our neurodifference is treated as something that makes us unreliable in knowing our internal selves. Having a compassionate, competent professional discuss this in a video that can be linked to questioning family members would be really helpful.

This has been such a massive part of my life and I find that looking out through my eyes I love what I see, and then get overwhelmed and all the old transphobia nonsense creeps into my head, I grew up in the late 70s and 80s and had no point of reference for any of this and the only things you heard were negative and I find I start re-telling myself all of that negative stuff. I have watched so many of your videos over the years and you are bang on each and every time, and I already know what I am and who I am and what I want/should do, but I never feel like I can give myself permission to do so, one day I hope I can make that first permanent step before its to late.

thank you for this. Over this past week I've come realize, and mostly accept, a great deal of things about myself and this video is encouraging and therapeutic towards my anxieties over the whole thing

I love watching these videos. Even though I am long past the transition phase of life (a bold statement if ever there was one), these videos help me remember and find that healthy balance of personal experience and therapeutic explanations of complex topics. As a lay leader in the community, it is vital to find this balance. Where the professional therapist worries about any self-disclosure, the lay leader can self-disclose too much and therefore universalize. These video help me stay on focus about these topics.

A few weeks ago I put socks into my bra and wore a dress and when I tried to take out my fake breasts while looking into a mirror and I broke down into tears. I felt I was faking it to myself and everyone.

Have you got a listening device in my head? It's uncanny how you can see into my entire life! (Nearly 70 years now) I have literally lost count of how many entire wardrobes I have bought and then thrown away (in secret). (I always regret it) I love your videos. You are wonderful. I wish I could have found you yeeeeeeeears ago.

Oh my god, I've had that emotional response so many times. Finally heard someone talk about it. Thank you so much for your video. I started transitioning at 52 and said to myself, "You are never going to pass". Glad I finally got the courage to say to myself "I don't care anymore" what anybody else thinks. I have to do this for me. Keep doing what you are doing please,this video was a game changer for me.

whoop whoop! transitioning is awesome and so is Doctor Z at what they do. 08:23 is nice and though i am not 6ft, i relate and am at peace.

I've had that from time to time, but thankfully I have put in some effort to work past those thoughts. It's not perfect yet, but it is getting better

First of all , I want to thank you Dr. Z for coming to KZfaq and informing me that there is hope. I have at a pre-puberty age felt this dysphoria but had no one to to talk to . now in my later years starting to reach out for help and understanding with friends in Second Life , but that doesn't fully alleviate my distress in in so called "real life" .

Thank you for this advice. You've given me a lot to think about.