The Biggest Challenges Adults 40+ Face in Transition vs Younger Folks!

Рет қаралды 7,891

Жыл бұрын

There is a big demographic change to younger vs older adults and transition.
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🙋‍♀️Hello! My name is Natalia Zhikhareva known as Dr Z in transgender community and I am a clinical psychologist or gender therapist, specializing in transgender field and I work with adults only. I provide online therapy for California, New York, Texas and Florida residents. My pronouns are she/her and you can visit my website for more info at drzphd.com/aboutdrz
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Пікірлер: 196

@galeboyer3069 Жыл бұрын

I transitioned at 67. I was at my mothers bedside when she was passing. I realized if I lived as long as my dad I had 12 years left, if I live as long as my mom, I have 22 years left. I chose to live my remaining years as my true self. I'm lucky my wife stayed with me, but my business is closed. I am happier, I'm a better person, and I do not regret choosing me. These 4 challenges are real, but if you can always choose you!

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Wow powerful and so empowering to be able to choose "you." Glad you did.

@davinamarshall2780 Жыл бұрын

I was 68 when I hit the wall and couldn't suppress "her" any longer. It seems as soon as I retired and had free time the compulsion to be my true self became unbearable so I was forced to come out to my wife who was extremely understanding and together we have managed my transition. Bottom line is I am a much, much happier person and as my wife has said many times we have never, ever as a couple been so close. The unhappy, angry man is gone replaced by a happy, loving, gentle female.

@mjpowell101a 10 ай бұрын

I just started and I'm nearly 70 years young. I'm loving every second of my transition.

@wendyvance5144 Жыл бұрын

At 49, I knew I had to make a change. I had to transition. Almost five years later, I am much happier and I have my chosen family. I have those people who disagree with my decision to transition, but those who love and support me greatly outweigh the naysayers. I would never go back to that old life. It is so wonderful, although difficult at times, on the other side

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Thats great to hear! Happy for you!

@MajikMcCullar Жыл бұрын

Before last September, I had determined that I would keep it a secret that I was trans from everyone for the sake of my family. I figured that it was better for me to suffer than everyone else to suffer. I honestly thought that I could "keep it under control" as long as I find my little "cheats" that would allow me a slight release. I would have kept going had my ex-wife not found some of my jewelry in my car that I had hidden. She accused me of cheating and when I came clean to her that was the end of our 12 year marriage. I knew word would get out, so I figured that it was now or never if I was to ever transition. I started HRT this past January. Transitioning has cost me a lot. I've lost the vast majority of my family and friends. However, my job has been very accepting of me (which is amazing considering I'm the construction industry). My children are supportive and I FINALLY like the person I'm starting to see in the mirror. I'll be 43 in a few weeks and while part of me wishes that I would've started earlier in life, I understand that waiting as long as I have has put me in place where I feel like I can safely transition (plus I got 3 great kids out of it). I'm making new friends and establishing myself in the community as the woman I was always meant to be. I still have a long way to go, but I feel like I'm actually living instead of just being alive for the sake of others.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

So glad to hear that things are turning out the best for you! SO glad you focused on yourself!

@abigaelbouchard7897 Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing this reality. I'm doing lots of testimony in schools about my transition and I got often this question: "Abi, why have you waited soooo long before starting your transition ?" Well, I can send a link of this video now. 🤣 I started my transition at 50 and l choosed myself over the mothership I was on. Now, I'm happy and I'm building a new ecosystem. As you said, I didn't have the words to explain what I live. I'm non-binary transfeminine person and proud of it! What is my struggles now... continue to hide or eliminate the effects of testosterone. 😓 Thanks Dr Z. 💜

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

So glad to hear it resonated with you and thanks for sharing.

@mannismail Жыл бұрын

I am 44. I got lucky. Colleagues are supportive. My friends are supportive. The family I chose is supportive. Unfortunately, my blood family is not. But I've lived most of my life worrying for them, it's time for me to work on myself. I've struggled with myself enough. Accepting me was hard.. I know the path may not be easy, but I'm definitely going to try.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Wishing you all the best!

@tedbrainard102 Жыл бұрын

Yes, well said Dr. Z. From 1944, when I was born, until a few years ago, I kept the woman inside me hidden. Thanks to you and the internet I have learned that it’s okay to be Sandra. I have opened cracks and small doors in my echo system. I can’t hide any more. My daughters and a few friends know I am trans. My wife is very close to knowing that my exterior gender doesn’t match my inner gender. I love her with all my heart but I can’t hide Sandra any longer. Thank you for all you do. Sandra

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Wishing you all the best.

@bardpendragon7229 Жыл бұрын

I’m 50 and will be starting testosterone in the next few months. I changed my pronouns to he/him about 6 weeks ago. I have spent all my life knowing something was off. I came out as nonbinary about 4 years ago, and it’s taken me this long to realise that I am actually a man. Now I feel relieved. My family is very conservative Christian and I stopped contact with them also about 4 years ago. I am grateful that my doctor is also a trans man, and that I have some amazing friends who have been very supportive.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Thats so great that you have so much support.

@laurengaley3172 Жыл бұрын

At 75, I think that I have been in a "careful" transition for thirty years, and can track affirming steps back to the 50s. Careful curation of my ecosystem has resulted in a comfortable retired life, and now I have been on Estradiol for three months. I'm confident enough to be out to family and friends, and others will soon notice the difference. I have a wonderful therapist and a lovely Trans Primary Care doc to help me along the way. What *you*, Dr Z, have done for me was to provide an organization that facilitated my understanding of where I am and how I got here - my deepest thanks for that. I'm not sure where I'm going, but I'm looking forward to the ride.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

So glad you are living your life as YOU!

@Valerie_Valkyrie315 Жыл бұрын

Spent cost fallacy; "I've spent this long doing this if I quit I lose al of that!". At 51. I've fought this for SO long but I'm at peace with this and I finally love that I'm Trans and am ready to choose ME!

@kyleshoemaker3198 Жыл бұрын

I’m 38. I’ve known since about 13 or 14 that there was something off or different about me. And I spent my entire adult life so far trying to quash that feeling. However I feel like I’ve had a different reaction than others like me and I was wondering if I could get your thoughts on this Dr. Z. You talked about building an adult ecosystem. This is something I never did and I realize now I actively avoided doing this. Meaning that I’ve been single most of my adult life. Never married. No kids. No long term relationships because even though I’m attracted to women I’ve never been able to perform sexually with them so that’s always been frustrating. I’ve even avoided making friends most of the time. I got into a career in my early 20s that I now absolutely hate and am actively trying to save money to pursue something different. There is absolutely nothing holding me to my male life except for my financial situation right now. I’m working to change that. So I guess I’m wondering if I’m an anomaly or if there are other trans people like me who have actively avoided building an ecosystem because maybe subconsciously we knew that someday we would have to leave it. I don’t know. I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

@DrayseSchneider Жыл бұрын

I did build that ecosystem that you didn't, but I entered it with trepidation having an intrinsic sense that it might not last and was doomed to failure. It eventually did fail. And financial resources were a deciding factor for me too in not transitioning when I was much younger, and even now it's a struggle but I've got some workplace insurance that helps. Between us I don't think your experience must be all that uncommon. Solidarity.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

@Kyle no not alone in this at all. I see, for lack of better words "artificial" ecosystems all the time. This happens for various reasons, two main ones I see is: 1: when you are not in touch with your authentic self the external is not as closely connected to you and 2: for some, it could be subconscious plotting knowing you will in fact leave it one day. In any case, the ecosystem is still not sustainable nor a happy one and tags at you for a change.

@larryconwell85 Жыл бұрын

Your like me single no kids but I was raised in a church home and that God forbids this and that and I was working 70+ hours at a job trying to get rid of gender dysphoria now I’m In debt as well I’m trying to get my debt paid off and starting my transition at 38 years old regardless of what people say brocade this is my life and I want to get it back and be happy again and being male isn’t the answer for me Remember be loyal brave and true to yourself you are all that you have so learn to love yourself first

@jwenting Жыл бұрын

oh yes, I never was able to form anything like a romantic relationship with anyone. Even friendships are very difficult for me. When you're "different" people tend to avoid you, and if we aren't different from mainstream I don't know who is. I'm 51. Never married, never even had a girlfriend or boyfriend, never had sex (in part because of that, I've been raised very conservatively, no sex before you're certain that this is the person you're going to marry style). Being a carrier of a rare but potentially lethal genetic disorder I don't want to pass on means no interest in having children, obviously (even though I love watching children play). I now live in a stable long distance D/s relationship with a Japanese lady, we're happy together but it's of course non-physical. I like my career, even though it's on the cliffs because of the severe health problems (both physical and mental) I've been suffering over the last decade (ever worse gender dysphoria, combined with severe depression and anxiety from losing 4 of the 5 persons closest to me in the span of 4 years, out of control diabetes, covid, etc. etc. all coming in rapid succession).

@alejandrasotto6921 Жыл бұрын

Oh, my God! I am 31 years old and recently I started doing this process but everything you have written made me feel so identified with it. If it helps you, we are already two on this path.

@kierankrug3917 Жыл бұрын

I think what changed for me was - when I do pass away someday would want to be in the body that's truly me. To die a man.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

So powerful.

@jwenting Жыл бұрын

Interesting and true. But for me for quite a while part of why I resisted transitioning was the idea that the pain and anguish of the process would lead me to not have a halfway decent life for longer than I'd have left to live afterwards. Until the dysphoria got bad enough to throw those considerations to the wind that is.

@human78631 Жыл бұрын

@@jwenting yeah I thought about this too, that transitioning might make things worse somehow for the rest of my life... But then I realized it's going to suck anyway if I do nothing, so at least I can die knowing I saw all my cards, that I won't have regret nagging at me. And yeah, I think at some point dysphoria would have forced my hand, as I was finally aware of trans men, that it's a thing one can do and it's gotta beat what I'm dealing with.

@miyahollands6136 Жыл бұрын

I am 49 and have just left my mothership! I have been living full-time as my preferred female self for the passed 6 weeks and it has been the best decision I have made for a long time. I am a lot happier, confident and content in myself and work, family and friends can all see the positive change it has had on me. But, I'm still doing the same job with the same company and people. I still socialise with the same group's - although a few may well not be apart of my long-term plans. So I may of left my mothership, but that's because it's being refitted to better surve my next mission (I. A sci-fi geek 🤓). P.S. This is me - finally putting my needs first after 40+ years of me putting the needs of others first. And yet, I'm the one being accused of being selfish - work that one out! 🤷‍♀️

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Love sci-fi reference. Good for you to put yourself first! There is nothing wrong with being selfish in a healthy way towards your needs.

@marti7343 Жыл бұрын

Just started to realize how valuable Dr. Z's videos are for trans people. I am 68 years and am seriously thinking about transitioning, I may have even started. Dr. Z makes us aware how we are not alone in our feelings and experiences. Other trans people have gone through or are going through what we are feeling and experiencing. Dr. Z's videos give me courage to go down a path to finally realize my true self. She is right on in describing the experiences of people transitioning at an older age. Thank you Dr. Z for making me feel I am on the right path to realize the identity I knew was always there.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

So glad to be of help. Older populations are becoming my specialty this days.

@Kira-zm7vy Жыл бұрын

I'm really at the point of now or never. Something needs to happen. I'm scared to lose my ecosystem but I cant continue on like I have been. I'm 41 so the window is closing for being able to recover from a shattered life. I'm equally terrified and excited about what the future may bring if I just take that leap of faith.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

I totally hear your fears and I gotta say they are normal, valid and natural at this point.

@LindaNewmanAndersson Жыл бұрын

I just want to share with all transgender people on your hourney of self discovery, that you are true heroes in this world, don't stop fighting, God gave you this life to make this journey into who you truly are, and it is not the body you were born in, you are the soul first, and your body needs to reflect that truth no matter what it takes. You have my respect and highest admiration.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

That's beautiful, thanks for sharing.

@Hartman186 Жыл бұрын

I really feel I'm in group 1 here. It feels too late even though I'm 36. I keep telling myself that maybe I can just keep coping for the rest of my life, keep my old name. I worry everyone will laugh at me if I change my name. My egg just cracked and I am giving myself a timeline: if I still feel this way in a year then I'll have to do something about it. But that's a year lost! Also my son keeps getting older and I want him to know me as my true self, not as this masked being. But I'm afraid, especially of losing my spouse.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.

@BeccaBecca71 Жыл бұрын

Does your spouse know? Have you found the couples youtubes? Your tribe is growing! Couples that grow together!

@rayneelise3083 Жыл бұрын

So true, at 54yrs I'm transitioning, So wish I'd done this sooner. But it's never to late to turn the page and write a new chapter in one's life... Thank you, .. Dr Z You're awsome .. 😎🤙

@Kira-zm7vy Жыл бұрын

I hope you're right. I'm 41 and terrified to do it but it must be done. Good luck 👍🏻

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Never ever too late.

@rayneelise3083 Жыл бұрын

@@Kira-zm7vy Thank you. 😊 it's a tough choice to be yourself, but I love life now because I'm involved in living it to the fullest.. Be strong friend..👍

@debisaunders2298 Жыл бұрын

I am 62. I have finally started to transition by moving to non-binary presentation. I wear make up and lingerie every day at work and at home. My family accepts the changes so far. I know that ther is much more to come - full female presentation, revelation of my need for a man in my life and hormone therapy - but I am now on my way towards that. I have left the mothership and am making progress towards nirvana.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing.

@danila3371 Жыл бұрын

If I had known who I was at 21, in 1992, I would be a different person. I began transitioning at 49, though. Now it affects my career as a pastor, as a husband and as a father.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.

@mpv9866 Жыл бұрын

All the blessed dear soul 🙏

@traciknight9343 Жыл бұрын

I was born in 1955. By the age of 11 I understood the concept of a girl trapped in a boy's body. In the 1960's one wouldn't dare mention this. I determined that by age 30 I would transition. When I couldn't I determined to live my as best as I could in my natal gender. I suffered from depression since that age and only growing worse. Finally, after my second marriage fell apart and lost contact with my son because I said I might be Transgender. At age 65 with nothing to lose I began HRT. Within days my depression lifted. Now after 15 months I can look in the mirror and see a truly happy person. I'm now building my new ecosystem and beginning social transition. I know I won't be the prettiest woman because of the ravages of testosterone but I am happy and the friends I've been coming out to are truly supportive. It's never too late to be happy. In a few minutes I'm going out to get my eyebrows threaded and arched. Love 💕 you Dr Z!

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Good for you!!! Never give up on yourself!

@traciknight9343 Жыл бұрын

@@DRZPHD Hi Dr Z, thanks for the encouragement. Here's a link to a coming out video I recorded for KZfaq. You might like. kzfaq.info/love/omicT_DALJG4VaVt7Idufg

@BeccaBecca71 Жыл бұрын

Are you threading? Or having it done? Do you have any tutorials?

@mpv9866 Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing, you give so much hope and confidence to myself and likely many others. Congratulations and blessings to you along your journey 🙏

@nmonster Жыл бұрын

I'm 51 and I'm definitely in the "Life is short, why not do what I want to do while I still can?" category.

@Kira-zm7vy Жыл бұрын

Same here. I'm 41 and it's now or never. I stand to lose it all. I'd like to have time to rebuild

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Exactly!

@nozaihaus7053 Жыл бұрын

Thank you for making this video. I’m 43 and just put the last piece of my puzzle in place this year. Your comments about sleepwalking and not having the vocabulary are 100% accurate of my experience.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing.

@ashleighkaar6703 Жыл бұрын

I started transitioning nine months ago, age 60. I guess my egg cracked in a big way when my psychologist told me that I'm a transgender woman. It was like letting the genie out of the bottle....I jumped in boots and all, changed my name and gender marker, came out to friends and family, went into HRT, took all my boy clothes to the Op shop and started presenting full time female. I'm very fortunate that I have a supportive wife and family. Looking back I can't quite believe that I did all that within the space of a few months! It's been the journey of my life, definitely scary at times but the best thing I've ever done. You only get one life.....

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Wow thats incredible. Glad you are doing and feeling better.

@zoesynovle991 Ай бұрын

Fake story. Noone does this. Dr's don't help or care. Courts will look at you as a dangerous physcopath

@jefsteele8981 11 ай бұрын

I "came out" at 75. I have spent my entire life doing what was appropriate - and serving other people. I don't have to put up a front to keep a job any more. Where I'm working now the people I interact with deal with my non-binary self. I've been getting some very interesting comments about who I am now, my presentational persona, mostly positive. My supervisors accept me for who / what I am and I am happier than I have EVER been before. I also have a wonderful wise and supportive doctor who has joined me on this adventure who keeps me sane when I freak out over some unexpected occurrence. I don't know where this journey is headed, but I am happy with where I am and with the progress of the adventure.

@DRZPHD 11 ай бұрын

Glad to hear you are not conforming to others but to your own life.

@bodybait Жыл бұрын

You nailed this 100% . >45 First I never had any therapists suggest I had a identity issue or help identify that my gender was misaligned in 37+ years of therapy. ( I gave them a ton of clues even like I was trying reinvent myself over and over and had no self esteem) I was in denial though growing up in the 80s, parents having homophobia (now transphobia) , a religion that spoke against it, and I had two sisters so I knew how hard it was going to be. I had to literally destroy my male life completely. Work from home, no friends, no sexuality, crippling depression, Agoraphobia , no kids, pets, hobbies, nothing. I had just completed a college course (my third degree) with A's. Once again I found myself with that same old feeling of not accomplishing anything. I came across the word gender identity. I realized I could be in a male body, but think like a woman. I proceeded to flip my gender (so I didn't sabotage myself) and see what happens. I painted my nails and my brain came alive. For the first time in my life I liked myself and had self esteem. I am in the never going back crowd.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Good for you!!!!

@fatoumata7624 Жыл бұрын

So all is about nails ?

@fatoumata7624 Жыл бұрын

Most people with low self esteem are not trans but just realistic = they are losers.

@paranoidrodent Жыл бұрын

This is so incredibly familiar. That pre-existing life we've built up is a hell of a thing. I think I spent the 5 years of questioning between my "I'm not cis" realization at 44 and my acceptance of my gender at 49 adapting and adjusting my ecosystem... laying the groundwork to a healthy environment to transition in. Using the "mothership" metaphor, I guess I spent five years remodeling the mothership for a somewhat different occupant... still me but well, the real me. I knew change had to come and so I subconsciously prepared for it. By the time I did come out and start transition, I faced little to no outright rejection (just reactions ranging from strong support to basically silence/no comment). Many people have told me that they somehow weren't completely surprised, so clearly I haven't be as subtle in adjusting my life as I imagined I had been. While I sometimes bemoan the 5 years I spent pondering, adjusting and reflecting while experimenting a bit and hanging onto a vague genderqueer or non-binary label (without really committing to it or feeling it was quite right), the work I put in during those years allowed me to move aggressively on transition (with that "life's too short" feeling) once I had clarity (and my clarity was rather crystal clear once I finished assembling the mental puzzle pieces).

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing.

@LeahT6317 Жыл бұрын

That was the toughest part of transition was the eco system over the years and as you say walking away. It came to an end game for me either continue to live in a life of hell or just go for it. I'm lucky that everything fell into place with full family support, full support at work. While it cost me a bad marriage I've never felt better in my life. The only real painful thing is I only get to see my autistic non verbal son only a few weeks a year because he's located in Japan and I'm the states. Other then that I now making up for lost time. I knew this day would come back when I was 29 years old 30 years ago. This is why I always stayed on a low dose of hormones on and off the last 30 years. I blend in pretty good and unless I talk most people think I'm cis. The good thing is the new eco system is building up fast so I'm getting a lot of experience that I missed because a lot of people now see me as one of the girls.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing.

@matildab2231 Жыл бұрын

Dear Dr Z, I have listened to almost all of your postings, but this is the one which really cut through to me. I will never know if I am a female in a male's body, although I doubt it very much, I do know that the wish to be female has been with me since young childhood, and has never left me. And yes, now in my mid fifties, I am embedded in my tostesterone toxified life. It's a crazy situation, eh!? Thank you for your words. M xXx

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Glad to hear the content is helpful.

@snakeli8880 Жыл бұрын

I put off gender affirming care for this reason. It was a medical diagnosis and a bad break-up that kicked me in the backside to take the steps to affirm myself. I struggle alot with career documents tbh. There aren't efficient (or even any) systems in place to change names on career documents so I haven't started living authentically in career spaces even if I have in personal life. I feel like this is something that is definitely only in the older groups transitioning. The being dead named constantly in career spaces and no way to navigate how a fellow professional will not be able to find anything about your previous work, published papers, degrees, etc without your previous name. I also have a lot of dysphoria around looking at older works and seeing what is now the wrong pronouns and there are no ways to fix these publications. It may be an odd and very niche issue but it is one that I don't think I would have faced if I transitioned before graduating with my masters degree/starting my career/etc. All of those things aside I have so much more personal happiness and it is totally worth it even if I still don't know how to navigate this issue.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing and I am glad you are doing better.

@gediminasmurauskas7817 Жыл бұрын

Thank you, Natalia! Your synopsis of the ecosystem that we have built throughout our mature lives, based on our gender assigned at birth, most certainly hits home with me. I am now building a new ecosystem in order to live and survive.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Good for you! You deserve happiness.

@davefisher1840 Жыл бұрын

Another helpful video. As I’ve mentioned before, with the help of a wonderful therapist I discovered I was transgender just after turning 80. My life turned from a black and white flat world to a Technicolor 3D world. About a year later I started HRT. Yesterday I finished my 15th month on HRT. I’ve only told a few people, including all of my family as I have decided to try and help people realize being transgender is real and wonderful. I am doing this by writing, a transgender friendly ebook which just became live a month or two ago. I am getting ready to make a major presentation on January 18 to a group of prominent business people in my community. I want to tell the world I’m transgender, but have decided not to at this time as I think I can have more influence by remaining somewhat stealth. I may change my mind later, but this enables me to be happy as the real me as my body changes.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.

@mpv9866 Жыл бұрын

Ebook? Could you share where to find it please? Thanks and congrats!!

@ChandraHatesGenocide Жыл бұрын

Dr. Z, you've got me classically conditioned: I hear that little bit of intro music for your videos, and I automatically breathe a sigh of relief. "Ah, someone who understands what I'm going through." Regarding the question at the end, I vacillated about transitioning for over a decade, and prior to that I squelched the desire to do so going all the way back to the '90s. I thought, "What's the point, really? What difference is it going to make?" Well, as it turns out, it's made all the difference in the world. The upsides were far greater than I ever imagined. It's like Plato's allegory of the cave: I didn't realize I was living my life in a dark room until I finally took the risk of stepping outside it. I have watched parts of my personality blossom that I didn't even know were there. My relationships with others are richer and more enjoyable, and so is my relationship with myself. Plus, I just have a lot more FUN!

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Hahaha sorry about that but glad to hear the content is helpful. I am so glad your life is better, happier and richer as a result of you taking steps forward.

@DrayseSchneider Жыл бұрын

When I was in my teens, and even twenties, I lacked a lot of the knowledge necessary to describe my experiences as trans to express my need to transition. The very concept was considered sinful and worthy of shame. But I read a lot, including science encyclopedias sometimes even chasing down research articles which was difficult to do back in the day, particularly for a child from a family of little means, and only happened very rarely. So I ran into that wall of religious indoctrination fairly early and was emotionally beaten back into line again and again until it just became easier to temporarily forget it. Only as a young adult did I begin tepid explorations of my gender identity, it's expression and even my sexuality. While there was some discussion of my being trans with my ex spouse before and during our marriage it never really went anywhere. And my investment in not transitioning grew over time and with the birth of my children. It even took me about 6 years after our separation before I began openly exploring my gender identity and expression. Separated at 42, began socially transitioning at 48 and medically transitioning later that same year. In my 50th year now and I wish I had had the words or someone, who did know how to explain it, to back me when I was much younger.

@galeboyer3069 Жыл бұрын

Yes, we didn't have the vocabulary, in the 1960's it would have been culturally more difficult to transition too. Glad we have the language now, life is so much better

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing.

@hollyhunnam8731 Жыл бұрын

At 62 - I’m building and you are so helpful with your ongoing information and support.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Glad to be here for you.

@richardlay8405 Жыл бұрын

I am 68 and just revealed who I really am to my daughter. Her reaction was so encouraging. She totally accepts me and my desires to be who I am. Now I have to talk with my closest friends. I worry about their reactions most of all.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Wishing you all the best. What a great kid you raised.

@ChristinaWinter75 Жыл бұрын

This is so true, and so perfectly said. I'm in my 40s, I always knew something wasn't right inside. That something with who I am on the inside doesn't match the outside. But I didn't have the terminology or the understanding to really know what was going on. Somewhere in my late 20s, or early 30s maybe, I started to put the pieces together. But by then I had started a family and a career - and some very toxic coping mechanisms. I love my family too much to risk hurting them, and even if i didn't love my job as much, I was too afraid to up end it. Now, in my 40s, with a pandemic and few other life defining moments, I'd decided the time we have here on earth is too short and too precious I have been fortunate and blessed in that I have not lost any family or friends. They are what means the most to me, and everyone I love has been supportive and understanding. There are some hard realities of the 40-something human body that I'm just going to have to accept. But even knowing that, I don't regret coming out for a second. Sometimes there's that voice inside me that says "just imagine if you would have been braver soon. If you would have come out in your 30s, 20s, or even teens. Imagine the life you could have had!" But I don't want to live in regret, and I love my wife and our daughter more than the air I breathe. So I will take this time that I have left on this planet and I will live as my true self without regret or restraint and I will love those around me even more deeply now that I'm learning to love myself as well.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Good for you to start owning who you are!

@Kira-zm7vy Жыл бұрын

Very well said. I'm in my 40s as well and the regret of time lost and the dread of running out of time is intense. I wish I had at least started in my 30s but at the time it wasn't even a possibility. Now seems to be the time. And I wouldn't have my wife and our kids if I had done it. ✌🏻

@jop5851 Жыл бұрын

100% accurate, throw in grandkids that you'll never get to see grow up for what a, a few remaining years of something that is so uncertain seems very selfish of me but i just can't seem to silence that one part of me. your video's do help to where there are times now that i start to think that maybe i should think about trying to find peace and some semblance of happiness but it's hard to imagine what that would be like

@DrayseSchneider Жыл бұрын

You're trans even if you choose to never transition and I for one support you either way.

@jop5851 Жыл бұрын

@@DrayseSchneider Thank you, i find hope in other peoples stories and comments, i'm staring 64 in the face none of this was really known to me in my early days and not until recently that there were options, coming to terms is still hard even though i know, i've always had that voice in the back of my head telling me that i was a mistake just didn't know how to describe or understand it, you try to force yourself to be who your family and society expects you to be and always come up short so there's the frustration and anger of failure. i don't know what my future holds but i'm trying to find a gender therapist. unfortunately the insurance company just lumps therapy under 1 category and not everyone has a web page that tells what they specialize in, i've done therapy after my divorce but never found anyone i trusted enough to open up to about the real issue so fast forward 30+ years later and i'm finally figuring things out. lots of anxiety about HRT, fear that it won't help me find peace in my mind not sure about how it will affect me and all that junk, there are decades of testosterone damage to my body that probably can't be undone but the clock is ticking and i just want to finally let go of all the baggage that builds up over the years and not have to always be in the fight or flight mode

@galeboyer3069 Жыл бұрын

I started at 67 a year and a half ago. Started off really scared, but now hitting my stride and being my feminine self. It is difficult finding resources, most counseling places near me are full, but I now I understand with an urgency what it means to be persistent.

@jop5851 Жыл бұрын

@@galeboyer3069 Thank you Gale, i've run the numbers too, on my dad's side mid to late 70's my mom will be 90 this year her siblings were mid 80's to early 90"s. i often think about holding off until after she passes but i know it's just me looking for excuses to put it off

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

@Jo P it is tough and its not an easy decision. Very valid to decide not to transition as much as to transition.

@madkow1540 Жыл бұрын

i transitioned in my 50s. i lost everything. everything. my marriage, my daughter doesn't speak to me, i haven't met my grandaughter yet. i lost my job, i attempted suicide. lost all my friends. was almost homeless. i. lost. everything. i knew i would lose it and i still transitioned because i could no longer live a lie. i am now rebuilding my life as a woman that isn't very feminine, but this is who i am. this is me. the one thing i want from society is to appreciate my value and to take me seriously, just like any other woman.

@jennystarr1993 Жыл бұрын

I started at 55 with my formal transition. I have stepped away from my wife and children, and put myself in a place where I feel safer about changing. But it is still a struggle, the pressure now is “I gave all that up, will what I gain be better, or will I have gambled my life away for nothing?” It is a foolish question, because I wasn’t really living before. It was a half-life, and I could either do that and never become myself, or take a shot a changing, and I will do this, I can do nothing else…

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing.

@calico9 Жыл бұрын

Yes! I so agreed that the younger ones have a different set of issues. My schoolmate who transitioned at early 20s couldn't relate to the idea I can wait 20 years before transitioning. Yes, a big part of me was really torn by the prospect of losing the ecosystem. But the scary idea that I will fall down harder later in my life if I was outed having a 2nd face/life and also I realised I am happier when I am out there as myself. The pain of losing the marriage was super incredible (to both sides, and probably more on my ex side). However, I am really so happy and at peace with my new mothership. I even surprised myself by completing my SRS within 2 years of transitioning. For older transgender, the advantage we have and also the more scary part is our career. Its really 2 sides of the same coin. We know our value in the workplace. However we are scared we will lose this stability. I was prepared to lose my job but luckily my boss and colleagues accepted my change.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing. I think younger generation will always struggle to understand the older ones.

@lurker1316 Ай бұрын

Yeah, this resonates with me at 36 years old. I'm definitely risk-averse and afraid to mess up. I can't see enough of the steps to know that I'll succeed so I get afraid to even start. And like you said, the potential for happiness after the dust settles is just an abstract concept, not something I've actually lived and can be sure of. And I'm very afraid to shake up my ecosystem only to find out that I'm still just as miserable as before.

@musicaltunes500 Жыл бұрын

Amazing video, this is so relevant to my situation, being 47 and starting to transition. Thank you so much for your care and compassion ❤️

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

You are so welcome!

@zoesynovle991 Ай бұрын

I failed as a man & made my life about isolation because of how all friends & family are almost impossible to keep when you go through these struggles alone & people just dismiss everything you say or do as a "crazy person" .

@Jenny_Digital Жыл бұрын

I don’t have meaningful care here in the UK and my GP has when informed of what has happened to me chosen to ignore me. Also, I went in to change my name on their records and they did… for about two weeks. Now the records keep changing back bit by bit. I feel betrayed, hurt and invalidated. Sorry, I just wanted a place to vent.

@mikaelaswanson5014 Жыл бұрын

Yeah lived solo life because I knew I couldnt truly live as something was wrong, know things are and can only get better. 🌸🧘‍♀️👠💎Never let myself get too close to anyone for most of life which was sick😯 when think about it?? Transitioned 40 2yrs ago not looking back 😊 I'm sure I knew I was female inside from very young age but couldnt understand that until I was 36? Looking back everything I done,way I felt, way I acted the whole lot other than how I looked was totally Female but no one ever pointed it out to me.. just said I could be gay which horrified me and made me resent any attraction I had for guys which believe it or not now I have😅

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Glad you moved forward toward who you are.

@pswooley Жыл бұрын

I started medical transition at 53. I am still not socially transitioned and don't know how to do it. My ecosystem (baggage) is huge, plus my spouse and child are special needs individuals. I am constantly wondering if my transition (I'm pretty much closeted ATM) will ruin their lives due to my inability to take care of them. I haven't been sleeping well for over a decade thinking about this. I really don't know what to do. -tori

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

I am so sorry to hear of your fears.

@rickkojetin5139 Жыл бұрын

This video is so awesome. Really makes me do some deep analysis of my self. Am older at 69. I need to listen again because it has so much useful information.😘

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Thank you and I am glad it resonated.

@luissonador Жыл бұрын

Yup, Dr Z, I’m waiting to hit 25 years at my job for free medical and dental care for life, not to mention…I’m risk averse, plus my environment and finances are not conducive to me transitioning, unless I hit the lotto, then I’m transitioning, like it or not…😊😊in a better environment and finances😊😊

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Never too late and I totally get risk aversion.

@jennizepol 11 ай бұрын

Thank you for this! "When is the time when all of you are going to stop abandoning yourself?" Honestly, this question is what it comes down to. I am almost 41 and Ive struggled for years. I don't know what is right for me and I am finally facing it. Am I non-binary? Am I Trans? Am I both? The ecosystem you mention is REAL and the fear of disrupting that is REAL and this is probably what holds me back the most.... that I'm too old and not knowing how to tackle this, and the scary unknown on whether or not changing this will make me feel more complete. But it's time I stop abandoning myself and start nurturing my feelings and learning about what I need to finally find home within myself. I have booked a consult with you! Thank you, Dr Z!

@DRZPHD 11 ай бұрын

Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.

@MsChristyCox Жыл бұрын

I would move forward in a second. I'm 50 plus but everything I do is to move on from my old self. Life is to short.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

LIfe is indeed way too short.

@user-yz4zn2ir3u 7 ай бұрын

I was suicidal most of my life due to gender dysphoria. It wasn’t until I turned 69 that I decided to transition and now I no longer feel depressed

@joema9411 Жыл бұрын

Now age 55. I’ve known since 4 yrs old. One thing to highlight is the true self gender will find ways to present and for me it is progressively more intense each year. I’ve been encumbered by the ecosystem. I’ve built quite the ecosystem around me and I’ve continually chosen the ecosystem over me. But this talk has made me think more about me and that the clock is ticking. Ughhhh.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing.

@mpv9866 Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing. Our numbers are identical and I instinctively know we share many more synchronicities. All the best on your journey!

@DC-ox2zv Жыл бұрын

Dr.Z, I just came to the realization that either you are listening in on the conversations I have with my therapist, or your messages are resonating in such a way with me that they truly are an eye-opener. I must have watched this video seven times already today as it hits at the heart of a discussion, I had earlier this week, and I was stopped as to why I was lacking an answer. This particular video is a eureka moment for me as it connected the missing dots that I have been searching for. If I lived out west, I would absolutely contact you about becoming a client. Unfortunately, I will merely have to do so via virtually and by responding to your videos. Please keep up the great work as you are hoping so many people out and that can be attributed to all the times I see you in your channel referenced in various areas.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Hi, so glad to hear the video helped! Many feel as if I am listening to their lives and I suppose in so many ways I am since I work only with trans folks and I read all the comments on the channel. So yes, I am eavesdropping to help you all better makes sense of what, why and how.

@jwenting Жыл бұрын

Yes, looking back at my childhood I can see the first signs of what we now call gender dysphoria as far back as primary school, but until well after I graduated college the words didn't exist in my language to express those things as other than "not being one of the boys" or "being socially awkward". And for the longest time of that it wasn't just impossible to express precisely, it would have been illegal to transition, and illegal for any medical professional to provide help in that transition. Even had society accepted a man becoming a woman (it wouldn't have, it still is hit and miss decades later) the law would have required for me to be locked up in a mental hospital and undergo forced psychiatric treatment (electroshock, scalding and ice cold baths, isolation, heavy medication, if done in a prison it'd be called torture) to "cure me". I'm 51 now, and the biggest problem I have is finding resources for people in my age group for transgender people. It seems most everything out there (at least in my area) is exclusively geared towards people age 25 and under. I've asked social services for help, and they're trying to find things, but a month or more in and they've not been able to come up with anything either. And now of course the fear that the national health system here will shut off access to medical means of transitioning to me because I'm over 50 (there's talk of no longer providing anything except "life saving emergency care" to people over 50 here to "reduce the stress on the healthcare system").

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing.

@widicamdotnet 26 күн бұрын

I always kinda knew what I wanted, but only a year ago (around my 41st birthday) found my way into the trans bubble on KZfaq and learned that HRT was a thing. So far it seems I'll get to keep my family and my relationship, and I don't think my job is at risk - feeling like I'm in a stable environment made the decision to lean into the trans thing easier. That said, I still wish I'd have found all this stuff out 20 years ago...

@joanna62 Жыл бұрын

That was me. I had to rebuild everything in my 50's. Slowly but surely and happier than ever :)

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

SO glad you are feeling and doing better.

@rogerbober8916 4 ай бұрын

You have perfectly described my experience. Thank you!

@SvenRyelsdorn-rr3ee Жыл бұрын

I am 53 yo, AMAB and just beginning my transition. I came out to my wife of 10 years 4 weeks ago, and she is divorcing me. I worry about my 5 year old son. My ecosystem is crumbling, but your video helps bolster my courage.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

So sorry to hear of your challenging and I wish you all the best.

@michaelf1955 Жыл бұрын

You are amazing, Dr.Z. And are spot on with me. I always thought that at a young age, I was different. I am 67 now and always thought I was a female trapped in a man's body. I tried denying it for years but knew who I really was and am. When my parents were living, I didn't want to disappoint them, so I kept everything bottled inside. After that, now I worry about friends and thinking I'm too old to transition. But after a year of reading up on being a transgender woman and watching KZfaq, which we didn't have when I was younger , I decided to follow my heart. I have told three of my closest friends plus my doctor, which are all women they have supported me. I have been on Spironolactone for two days now and am so excited about my new journey. I just love your videos ❤

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Hi. SO glad to hear the content is helpful.

@secretrarecollctbles1892 11 ай бұрын

Seeing that people transitioned later in life gives me hope,I'm so tired of having to be forced to live an inauthentic life worried all the time

@DRZPHD 11 ай бұрын

Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.

@mpv9866 Жыл бұрын

Thanks so much Dr. Z. And to all who share their experiences n life-stories in the comments here. Personally, this is your most powerful post [I have seen yet]. I've recognized i abandon my authentic Self (and others inadvertently) consistently, and I am steadily breaking that habit... slowly. But I also have some very deeply embedded abandonment wounds /issues as I was put up for adoption at birth and my adopting narcissistic parents 'abandoned' and devalued me on a regular/ daily/weekly/hourly/yearly basis. They still do it in ways, but I am used to it and have come to terms with it, understand, sympathize, and learned how to deal with it. I probably should've estranged myself/them decades ago, but I didn't know then alll the things I now know. Thank goodness for the evolution of studies and subsequent inventions of appropriate terminologies! Okay, venting done. Thanks again ♾💗

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Glad to hear it resonated.

@kalianigisellemonroe9668 Жыл бұрын

I am currently 29 years old. I have always felt that I was born in the wrong body, from a very young age, as long as I can remember. throughout the last 12 years I have been socially and medically transitioning but have yet to have any surgery. I struggle daily with the “I should have done this when I was younger” and “I am living my life and doing things as I am able to”

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing.

@AlivedDe 7 ай бұрын

For me as 36 yo the losing what I have is a challenge. And you described 2 groups here. Seems I kinda in a middle. First, I lived enjoying life so far. And yet I dreamt to be a girl. So now despite the horror of destroying what I have I wanna move further with transition… like when else if not now…

@ryanjames78 10 ай бұрын

I am 45 and will be starting hormones soon. I spent the first half of my life with that ‘no language’ fog over me, and it very nearly killed me. Moving forward I don’t know what the future holds with regards to my relationships. My wife is supportive but is unsure of how she is going to feel about the physical changes in me. But I have to do this for ME, I spent WAY too long in a state of confusion and self loathing. I have been mentally preparing myself for all eventualities, that is all I can do now. I have been so happy these past few years while socially transitioning - there simply is no turning back for me.

@DRZPHD 10 ай бұрын

Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best.

@BunnySMusician Жыл бұрын

I needed this exact video. Thank you Dr Z. I cried after watching this. Thank you for sharing your observations with us. 0:02

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Glad it was helpful!

@lennagriffiths1008 Жыл бұрын

I transitioned in my late 40s, and while I have had some issues with my existing circle of influence (having to enforce boundaries or cut ties completely in some cases) in the main I have found most to be very supportive. My choices thus far have been focused on doing what I feel/believe needs to be done rather than what others think I should be doing. That being said, where possible I have tried to make things easier for others but my own needs come first. For example, with my name change I adopted a reasonably gender neutral first name and picked a more feminine name (Lenna) for my preferred name and first middle name. This has occasionally created some confusion but in the main most have been happy to refer to me by my preferred name with only a limited handful of people refusing to use it and use my first name instead. My decision to transition was based on the principle (that I have always tried to live by) of being true to myself and for me (once I had come out to myself) there was no other choice regardless of what the consequences might have been (or may be in the future).

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing.

@Johnny_T779 Жыл бұрын

I had the luck that my mom was ahead of the time, and let me have a quasi normal boyhood. I had the clothes and toys I wanted. But I basically stopped growing up at 12. Had my breast reduced at 20, which killed the nerves in my left nipple, so I felt better but terrified of fully transition, because at the time (80s) it was mandatory to get full surgeries to do it. So I waited... Being 12 for a very long time. I'm autistic, so lying wasn't an option for very long (I couldn't pretend to be a girl) . My nickname was Ghost, because I just floated around my life struck in an adult female meatsack. Had severe derealization for years. This couldn't be reality. I didn't build anything, but I have good friends. Had the opportunity of having my tubes tied at 36 to heal my night terrors related to pregnancy. It was easy for me to start transition, at 50, because I basically spent my life waiting for the law to change in my country in order to do it. As soon as mandatory surgeries ended and name /gender was facilitated in 2017, I applied. Changes came slower, but it was worth it. 4 years in, and I pass now. As I finally have the puberty I want, the brain fog is lifting. I feel like I'm 16 now. I look 20 years younger than my age too, it helps. Peter Pan syndrome? Well, it's way easier than to be at odds with my gender for years. I won't die a woman, that's enough for me to feel like I succeed in life. To all the others waiting : STOP WAITING! Get your life back, it's never too late! 🤗

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

wow thank you so much for sharing your powerful story.

@Alexandra-Rex 11 ай бұрын

I've struggled with anxiety and depression the last 25 years, now being almost 45, I don't work and is alone most of the time. But in a way now, I'm kind of lucky to not have a lot of things that will be disrupted. I had given up on fixing my life, getting beck in shape, and just settled down and live a lonely and unhealthy life until it's over. Life is so short anyway, what is the point of bothering fixing things for so few years? But after having realized what I now know, pieces seem to have fallen into place, life feels brighter, I want to become healthy again, take care of and be true to myself. I have started fixing problems in my life and working out. I haven't even done anything yet _(transition wise, other than started growing longer nails and looking at wigs),_ but I feel better already, feeling like I've found out who I am, and I'm working on making a better life for myself.

@DRZPHD 11 ай бұрын

Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.

@Alexandra-Rex 11 ай бұрын

@@DRZPHD I really appreciate you and your videos, you are of great help! ❤

@paulksiazkiewicz3311 Жыл бұрын

At the age of 61 years ago I want to fill my dream of being a woman. Now is the right time to transition from male to female and to be a transgender woman.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

Wish you all the best!

@toddandrews9829 Жыл бұрын

At 58 I have already lost most everything except my job and my few friends but I've found a therapist and they kind of kick-started me that I have started electrolysis. I'm going to pursue finding myself even though I'm scared that I will lose what few friends I have. Feels like a Catch-22 that I lose something either way.

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

It is def catch 22 just decided to let go of that which doesn’t align with you.

@BeccaBecca71 Жыл бұрын

$1k an inch! ? Have you thought about laser a few times before electrolysis? I'm slowly learning to wax my beard

@johnmoneypenny6139 Жыл бұрын

My theme song.... Feel by Chicago on album XXX (30)

@tomreynolds4141 5 күн бұрын

I'm 50 + I wanna start transition can you work with me. I need help please 😢😢

@fatoumata7624 Жыл бұрын

I am 49 and luckily I have no job, no wife, no kid, no house and no social life ! Why would I waste time and energy to become mister director, a husband and a father when I am always female in my sexual fantasies ?

@DRZPHD Жыл бұрын

I'd say often it can be subconscious self sabotage.

@fatoumata7624 Жыл бұрын

@@DRZPHD I do not think I did a sabotage but that I saved myself from a high cost way of living !