I've decided to not come out bc my parents would not understand. I'm just going to slowly start expressing myself and find ppl who support me. My gender identity is a very private and personal thing. I don't want to have to explain myself so that ppl can decide whether I'm "valid". I think we just need the confidence to be ourselves with no explanation and say THIS IS ME DEAL WITH IT.

This video really explains my fear so accurately. I came out as bi and genderfluid to my best friends and my lil' sis on new year. They were so accepting, i was glad. One of my friends even said that his view on me won't change because of it. Then built up courage to tell my mom the next day, thought she would accept me as well because she kinda already knew since i was little. Turned out, i got "it's a sin and you'll burn in hell" and "you're wrong to cross your destiny/fate as a girl" as her answer. After that, everytime i tried to educate her, she just dismissed what i said entirely and pretended like nothing happened. Like my coming out didn't matter to her. Anyway for whoever read my comment, thanks for listening to/reading my rant. I felt a bit better after writing this. Just remember, even if your family doesn't accept you for being who you really are, you'll always have people who will.

This is very timely for me. I am in the process of coming out as I prepare to start HRT. I recently came out to two friends. Both were very affirming. The sense of normalcy I felt being out to each has been so validating. As for fear, what you speak of is consistent with a desire to pass-it’s about respect. My greatest fear-being wired as a people pleaser-is disappointing those I love. But ultimately a girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to do! 💃

I came out to my mom as trans in 2019 and she excused it because I had been a victim of csa and been bullied all my life. She also tried to say that I was just a masculine lesbian etc etc. She still hasn't apologized for this to this day and still doesn't use he/him, she uses they/them which i now have a phobia of because she refused to use my correct pronouns.

I regularly post pictures of my Femme self on social media to a selection of friends and have been encouraged by how accepting everyone has been. Coming out further as more openly Transgender feels like another big step. Your video's are inspiring, thank you

Could you please make a video about finding a partner and dating as a trans/non-binary/gender-nonconforming individual? It seems it is really hard to find people who are attracted to gender deviant people and if they are, are willing to deal with the social stigma.

I've been rehearsing coming out in my head for a long time now. You touched on just about every topic I figured I'd mention when I eventually do it. I'm starting to feel that no one can invalidate me for something I've felt for so long. Don't get me wrong, the fear is still there and I'm not sure about potential support structure, but the more I rehearse the more confident I get. On another note, thank you so much for your videos. They are helping me so much right now.

Dr Z, I have to say I'm SO glad I came across your channel. I'm mid-40s and finally realised last year that my sex and gender don't align and why. What an amazing moment!! Since then I've been looking for informative sources about gender identity and came across your channel and I've watched all your videos, even ones that I thought might not apply to me (I learned something from those!). You're so good at describing and explaining things and even in today's video when you used the example of the world wearing very binary glasses but some people have a different prescription, OMG!! Such an EXCELLENT metaphor!! 😍👏👏 Anyway, I've made sure to pass on your channel to others - family, friends, medical and mental health providers - so they can also increase their knowledge surrounding gender identity issues, maybe even helping others to do the same. Thank you for taking time out of your week to post videos for folks around the globe to access; so much proper and clear info about gender identity needs to be available so more people can be better allies or gain a better understanding of their own gender journeys. Thank you & cheers from Ontario, Canada 🇨🇦😊💙

When I came out to my partner as non binary, they were very confused and did not understand. But after I explained what it meant to me and to our society in general and they had time to process, they told me it wasn't actually a surprise. This is how I've been my how life and I just didn't have the words to express how I felt. Education is so important and I'm so glad to see people, especially professionals like you, doing educational, validating videos ! Thank you :)

I liked this because you touched on so many different things, and I appreciate that. Thank you.

I've come out. I never wanted to but I felt like I had to because I got to a point of being severely depressed keeping my trans feelings inside. I don't enforce my name or pronouns either. Honestly for me it was more of the "keeping a secret" type thing that I was even questioning/struggling with my gender is what weighed me down. dysphoria did too but, not like keeping "the secret."

Can you please make a video about how to talk to young children about your transition. I just came out as a trans woman about three months ago, and talking to older people was easy to explain it. Some people took it well and were happy for me other are still taking it really hard. However I have four children of my own and my oldest how is 5 still doesn't understand why I'm wearing more feminine clothes and painting my nail etc. Just wanted to know if you had any tips. My wife and I have been doing the best we can to explain it but no luck.

5:38 "When you think that's the only way, and somebody comes in and says no, they think you are making this up, they think that you are delusional, etc." Reminds me of Plato's Cave

Thank you Dr. Z. This is a very informative video. Just to underscore your main point, I just came out to one of my oldest and dearest friends and his his wife. I've know both for more than 30 years, we were in the army together, and I consider them closer than my biological family who I still haven't come out to. (They are all a bunch of bigots.) My friend and I have been in combat together, saved each other's lives a time or two and could not be closer. That said, I was still scared to death to come out to him. I was afraid of rejection, ridicule and losing a pair of relationships I've cherished for decades. I was very pleasantly surprised when they were supportive and swore that our relationship meant more than they could say. I was so touched I cried. And I discovered coming out wasn't as frightening as I thought it would be. Thank you again, Doctor for your words of wisdom. I was especially grateful to hear you say that coming out isn't about seeking approval from others, but is about making a statement. That's a very critical piece of information. Thanks again.

Thank you Dr Z for another perfect video. Coming out is a tough thing, and a big decision especially for those that are older and established in life. Given the political situation in this world, and the anger that is welling I fear for the trans community, we must stay away from the partisan situation because minority's are always puppets in a political crisis and thrown away when its over so just be safe all... For those coming out, I am proud of you, remember your doing a very brave thing and if its what's best for you then that's all that matters anyone that doesn't agree has no place in your life. Be well all!

I just found your content and it is exactly what I needed right now. Thank you so much, you're doing amazing work

Thank you for the videos Dr Z. They have helped me a lot over the last few months. I'm 40 and came out to my closest friend of 25 years a week ago and he was extremely supporting of my need to transition. Your videos have given me some added strength to find my way.

This video really helps out alot. In the beginning, I was having alot of fears of coming out and being rejected. But what really hurt me was when I was outted publicly by another Trans woman that had no remorse and even outted other Transgender individuals before they were ready to fully come out as well. Being outted when you are not fully ready tends to mess you up. I was working on coming out at my own pace with controlling my fears till I was outted. As someone who has been outted and knows what it feels like, I dont want anyone to feel this way.

Just watching your videos gives me strength to be who I really am.

I am very happy I found your channel. I am 31 and starting this journey to explore and affirm my gender identity. My partner and her family are extremely supportive. However I have not expressed this to my own family. Mostly for so many reasons that you’ve explained. My family has made me feel soo uncomfortable at times when I identified as a lesbian female that undergoing the same judgments and discomfort is scary. In their defense no one in my family has directly scrutinized me directly. But have openly expressed their opinions of others like me in my presence and this for made me always feel like their perspective of me is the same.

thank you for this, it could not be more timely for where i'm at. over the past couple weeks i have been working up to coming out with my new name and pronouns, right at the time i am starting a new job. this new job is a good place to practice introducing myself in this new way, and i am lucky in that there is a very supportive management and staff which includes at least one other trans person and queer folks. however even with this, still i have these fears you are describing - this persistent self-doubt that i am not what i claim to be, which seems to be a projection of the fear of being called invalid. particularly in relation to the fact that i currently am socially a "they/them" queer person moving towards "she/they," worrying constantly that others will see this as me making things too difficult. like i am anticipating a negative response so much so that it is difficult for me to even say what i want because i don't want to encounter the potential negative response. however i am working on trusting my own wants and needs over the assumptions i make about potential reactions. given that those reactions, if they were to come to fruition, would be reflective of the other persons hangups around gender more so than anything to do with the reality of what i know about myself. anyway, thank you again for sharing!

This is very comforting

This is great, thank you for making this video!

thanks dr !! I wear small external things like lgbt bracelets, unisex but feminine glasses, and if I feel attacked I wear feminine underwear, I sit in the bathroom for any need :), etc. And that empowers me and I don't think much about what stage I will finish, that will be decided by fate. I enjoy the journey of my transition, not the end goal. cheer up!

Your channel is so helpful. I have this fear, even though I know I have support, but I still have this fear.

BIG THANK YOU ❤️

Hi I love your forums. I feel it’s a must at this point of my life I can not live my life as someone I am not so I have to come out. I’ve always felt I was female my whole life I suppressed my feelings and they have finally filled the barrel and is about to burst so thank you for your words of affirmation and confidence and mainly your absolute support it is very much appreciated

Thank you again Dr Z for this video and also for clarifying the age group that you specialize in and being honest about it. I don't want to make the mistake of recommending your channel to the wrong people. I'm interested to know why you don't work with minors in more details. I know there's an important difference but I wouldn't mind learning more about it and having it explained from your perspective.

It is not just invalidation, I am terrified of losing my career and ending up homeless or poor. I fear someone will beat me up, or worse. I fear I will lose friends and family. I fear I will be discriminated against if I get sick and need medical care. In fact I am almost certain I will.

Fell into your videos when my dysphoria started manifesting physically into pain and terribly intrusive thoughts. Didn’t touch specifically on what I’m feeling in terms of fear, but there’s also this paranoia, especially with cis-people trying to be well meaning, that they will take control of your experience. That either in denial or validation they will try to either shut down any attempt at transition and expression at all, or jettison the process far beyond what you are comfortable with or ready for. Or just genuinely be confused or weirded out and not know what to do. Videos like this really help the tip toe feelings I’m trying to work with, as well as other trans individuals binary or not, going through the same thing. I think the hardest part, especially as an amab individual in the midst of figuring things out is that you don’t really see a lot of the “ugly” of amab individuals figuring things out or going through it. You either see the complete before or complete after. And there are a lot of reasons for that of course. But overall I appreciate the safe space this and your other videos provide to just talk things out in a calming and objective way that really take into account how sh*tty and distressing the coming to terms with it period can be.

Glad you noted your majority of experiences working with adults. Did not know that. Ok so I've come out several different times and while there has been a lot of unhelpful things to happen, I can actually think of some things I did that helped things go better. 1. I spent time alone in my gender expression. I could step into my new expression before anything obscured it. Solidified my self into what I needed to be. 2. I explored myself thoroughly and considered as many options as possible. This can get overwhelming- but then, after a while you realize how many options you really have and how free you really are, no matter what you think is wrong. 3. I educated myself about the labels people use to describe themselves and others. This opens the eyes to see how big the world is. It allows you to put those labels in their place and then you can detach from them and live independently of them and get more deeply in touch with you inner voice, which is one of the things that ultimately makes you you in the long run and can be very pleasant to be in touch with. 4. I learned what people believed about gender and sex. It gave me info as to who would get it and who would need a bit tougher, more strategic love. It helped me find common ground and protect myself. 5. I said no to permanent changes for as long as possible. I made a mistake and lasered my beard off before thoroughly exploring myself and now my options are limited. Don't delete forever if possible to protect all the chances you or your most obscure self may need in life. 6. I cut off anyone who was pressuring me to fit into any particular label, mold, category, limit. Period.

I'm *not quite* ready to come out, but getting close, I think. I can definitely relate to the fear of not being seen as valid. Thanks for this!

Another great topic & video Dr Z! Thanks. 🌺 Here are a few of my personal thoughts on coming out & transitioning triggered by your words. 😊 A very simplified comparison between the life experiences, specifically related to gender, between cisgender & non-cisgender (gender diverse, non-binary, transgender etc) people, is very different. For a moment taking an analogy, comparing people’s experience of gender to car ownership. 😊 In this analogy if we assume the necessity of car ownership is absolute (like gender) - & there are no trade-ins. 😁 The cisgender person’s experience is like driving a new & highly efficient vehicle - it has very little issues with repairs, breakdowns or ride comfort. Comparing that to a non-cisgender person’s experience where the vehicle is more like a cherished classic car - continually breaking down, being more frequently maintained & poor ride quality (feeling every change in the road surface). I hope you are still following my train of thought. 😊 The crucial part of my analogy is, in a very general way, the different experiences in the two types of vehicle. With the new car (cisgender) people experience life in less complicated & involved way (more shallow) compared to the knowledge, capabilities & equipment an old vehicle (non-cisgender) person needs to make it through each day. 😁 I think my analogy speaks to the issues of non-cisgender people’s rights & societal supports being debated & allocated largely through a cisgender lens - how frequently inadequate that process is. In simplistic terms it is like an elementary school pupil trying to effectively discuss a university PhD subject. I know my words are exaggerated for effect but I hope you understand the potential situational dynamics I am trying to illustrate. Another critical aspect of these different ‘perceptions of the world in terms of gender’, is when a transgender person starts to transition (navigate) towards their more genuine gender. Due to the unforeseen complexities (unforeseen by cisgender people) of gender, when a loved one transitions it is difficult for them to emotionally follow. I would assume in a lot of cases it is easier for them to reject their loved one by expressing or regurgitating typical society’s exaggerated misconceptions about transgender people’s experience. 😬 If the cisgender loved ones don’t gain more genuine knowledge about the true nature of gender then they rely on the misconceptions so inevitably the relationship bond is stretched so far that it will eventually break under the strain. 😢 Thank for reading to the end. I hope it offers some insights. Thanks again Dr Z.🌻

I’ve been fearing coming out as transfemme/a trans woman for at least a month now since I’ve realized that I was pigeonholed into a gender construct I don’t identify with at all. This video really speaks to that, I spoke with my mom recently and she seemed to invalidate me saying that maybe I’m just feeling this way because of my autism/3q29, yet neurodiverse people are far more likely to be trans… and that made me retreat into my shell a little especially on Instagram where on my main I changed my bio to transfemme (?) but wanted to just say trans woman. And I know I would rather present as a woman online as I literally made an alt where I know spend much of my time and get affirming ads.

Hey Dr Z! I've been watching your videos for months now and I've finally set up a meeting with a gender therapist :)

The fear that I had about coming out is how people react negatively. Telling me that there is something wrong with me. The shame I had the whole time before I came out. My coming out was the right thing to do. I Wii not let all the negative people affect me. I no longer Care about there perspective. I won't seek for anyone's approval. I have only one thing that is important to me and become the woman who have suppressed all my life. And having to time to get to know the REAL ME

I agree… I thought at first I didn’t, because I thought I’m more afraid of… But after really thinking about what you’re saying even those things I fear, tie back to what your saying. I fear the possibility of violence against me, or the fear of having things taken away such as my employment. But really the people who would do this would not be accepting the validity of what I am.

I came out at work tonight and I was a nervous wreak about it. But it actually went really well and I felt very happy and comfortable being called my new name finally

The first time I "came out" I knew so little about what this was. I was overwhelmed with the euphoria of realizing and acceptance of my "true self" and I jumped in with both feet. I made the cross-dressing mistakes you discuss in another video. I also had self doubt, which multiplied exponentially when others suggested all the other reasons they thought I felt the way I did. I fled back into hiding and did everything I could to cure myself and escape the shame and embarrassment I was left with....for 25 years that I will never get back. This time I researched first. I gave myself time to learn and understand from others on youtube, etc. Then I made a careful plan: baby steps, selecting just a couple people who were likely to become a support network I could build, and thought carefully how I would present myself and what the answers to their questions would be. This time, I had the confidence I needed and some very important, intelligent grounding under my feet. This time I have a kind of sober joy in my transition as it progresses and have learned to enjoy and truly live the small, forward steps in this journey. I hope this helps someone. It is a truly difficult thing for anyone like us, but it has so many wonderful rewards! Watch and listen to Dr. Z. I think she's an angel to us. I have hard times now, too, and some these videos she makes have put me back on my feet. 🙂

I came out very publicly on Facebook in 2019, now I have to pretend it never happened because I changed my mind on medically transitioning.

While I think this is one of many fears. I think each of us has perhaps a different view which may change daily as the dysphoria waxes and wanes. For me at 70 it is whether looking in the mirror I see and feel the woman I have needed to be and whether those close to me will not just tolerate but celebrate her.

Thankyou. I’m afraid my whole world will fall apart and I’ll be left with nothing/no one

awesome video dr z lately my anxiety and depression has been getting worse in a really bad way my anxiety causes tension in my throat and breathing difficulties witch the body has weird ways of dealing like heavy coughing and gaging i cant go through this again i got off hrt in the summer because of fear of how i might be treated at work but i cant live like this but i don't really have a choice hrt worked for my anxiety and not being on hrt only works for not not being on hrt =[ im exactly where i was 15 years ago or w/e i've wanted for so long to live alone in the woods somewhere f this biscuit

Hi I've only watch 2 of your videos so far im going to watch more as I think you explain alot very well ive been hiding the fact ive thought I was trans since I was 13 I am now 35 ì started of with I guess erges to wear womens clothes but I grew up with 3 brothers and a sister and when everyone was out id go try my sisters clothes on and look in mirror and it made me feel good happy more confident but I still couldn't tell my family so I hid it I remember wanting to play with the girls in school I got bullied for many reasons but on alot of occasions ive been mistaken for a girl when I was 18 again I sat with the girls in the clubs but I still hid it maybe not very well we all used to joke saying im one of the girls im into rock music so I got away with nail varnish and eye liner I then started drinking heavily because I had depression but didn't know why I then got stupid and whent on what I call self destruction missions where id take what ever I could get lucky for me it didn't kill me some friends was not so lucky after a couple of years the dysphoria got extremely intense I got suicidal still didn't put it down to the dysphoria I wanted to cut my face of with a razor blade and also my penis this feeling happened a few times after that when I got home drunk I would put on any feminine clothes I had on then pass out I managed to keep it hidden my family had no idea but recently with lock down the dysphoria go so intense my head would spin id feel strange in my hole body well it got so bad I new a friend I could trust and her husband has a member of his family is trans so I asked for help wich was quite a relief to actuly admit it then I did the go on Internet got loads of dresses make up t shirts all that I then felt so good I accidentally let it out on social media well by this point I had decided on a name and that I wanted hrt I told my mum and my brother they supporting me but my mum doesn't want me to get hrt due to 3 members of the family have had blood clots abit of a blow but I thought well every one knows now I started dressing as a girl right away after all I thought about it for years I was still being mistaken as a girl regularly with out make up even with short hair and leathers on as I ride a motorbike since I came out about it I felt very excited and relieved an several feelings the dysphoria has pretty much gone but its only been a month I then joined several trans sites and im abit shy but ive spoke to a few people in same position no one in my area is trans that are on any of these sites within the first week and up until now everyone has said im much happier they havnt seen it in a long time the depression hasn't gone but its decreased considerably I still in my mind want hrt and curves breasts but I don't want bottom surgery at this moment im waiting to see Dr and councillors wich will take time im still dressing in the womens clothes almost everyday I really want to go out dressed up wich the thought makes me feel good about being my whole self I would feel guilty if I had bottom surgery im worried about the nastiness if people ive seen the way they treat trans so im uneasy about that but otherwise I really don't care what people think by the way I look gorgeous as a girl so many compliments ive had within the first 3 days was more than my hole life it feels so right to be using my chosen name on these sites and to be recognised as female its an awesome feeling I don't have any doubts that I am trans even though im not wanting bottom surgery wich I have thought about fantasised about it being done but I have found im happy with it being left as it is it could change if I am able to transition with hormones im very relived and happy doing what im doing now most days its tracksuit bottoms and a t shirt because we can't go out but I intend on dressing full time as ive pretty much been living like a women since 18 at the sane time as suppressing it until it got too much I really want the body of a women especially for my face and waighst to be feminine as I say I already get mistaken for a girl its a pain with shaving all the time though im practicing make up regularly not every day but most days ive related to the videos have watched but I seem to bounce from feeling male and feeling female and some times numb I also seem to mix into the all that you have said about categorys and criss dressing and the gender dysphoria its like every thing you've said felt as if you was talking about me ive had no sex drive for some time partly depression and partly pain medication I no longer drink take drugs that are none prescribed I even gave up smoking I had to know how i really felt with out the messed up head my sex drive has come back im much happier wich is noticeable by people over the Internet so it really shows I thought I'd share my story I hope its not too long im going to watch more videos later the more information the better I still feel my path is as a women full time im going to tell people ive recently met about your videos I hope ai can help them as some things you said have put my mind at rest so thank you for you information hopefully I can have hrt and move forwards now that every one knows thank you for taking the time to read this my name is Michael at the min but using the name as sophia where ever I can its great for wisdom I liked that 😊 thank you

Watching these videos has inspired me to come out after many years of feeling like I'm living someone else's life. As a very hairy manly looking person I definitely want to start HRT my question is what would you suggest I buy at a local pharmacy? I don't just want to go with the cheapest thing because I don't have much money I want something that will actually work lol. I've been holding this secret in since childhood and lately I've just been sooooo depressed because I have no one to talk to no support system but I'm at the point where I'm sick and tired of holding everything in.

Thank you for what you do. The trouble I run into pursuing therapy is that it is me that is educating the therapist. The treatment becomes generic focusing on general well being and self love. While this has helped me to allow transition to take place, it is very difficult to address the subjects as you have. Unless you pay per month probably more than your rent for a good gender based therapist, you are left with an LBGT clinic. In my opinion they tend to advocate without addressing the downside.This takes precedent over personal challenges I may have. The LGBT world is always needing to validate thus they support the reasons why I should and not the reasons against transition. That becomes as defined and confined as the binary situation. I tried a gay therapist and he could not understand why I just didn’t do whatever I felt like.He missed the point entirely.The answer I gave him was that gay culture has been widely accepted and understood. The trans world is a confusing mess because of the lack of knowledge, a persons sexual insecurity, Ru Paul, Jenner and the crossdressing character in M.A.S.H.

Either I'm crazy or the world is crazy? I think both are correct, but it's a great comfort to know that the part of me that the world thinks is craziest is shared with millions, and that a community exists, from which Dr. Z. comes, that is working hard to understand us even better than we understand ourselves. The crazy world still has me convinced that I'm a looney tune too, but it's got nothing to do with the skirts I wear.

Yes! I’m very afraid to come out

I’m 20 and came out to my family over a year ago. My parents reacted like in the examples you described. They were worried that I had been confused and going through a phase, or influenced by the media, and even abused, etc. They don’t accept that I’m transgender. They’re really against it and bring catholicism into it. I’ve been unable to talk to them about it for several months. Educating myself through youtube and articles really helped me come to terms with my identity but still, my family won’t educate themselves even when I try explaining. They become upset and/or angry and it really upsets me, but I have hope because we’re currently seeing a family therapist. Hopefully they learn to accept that I’m transgender. I love them a lot but I know I’ll transition one day no matter what, even if it they disapprove. After all, they’ve disapproved about other things and come to terms, and I’ve disappointed them in other ways, so I’m used to them being upset at me. I just want to not be upset with myself :)

thank you for being so non-binary inclusive. it's been really hard trying to find my way in this world after realising my dysphoria and coming out as non-binary shortly after. I don't have the same degree of dysphoria about my body as trans women or trans men do, and while I still have a bunch of it, the social dysphoria is making me suffer a lot. I don't get any recognition or validation that not identifying with the male label is real and not abnormal. adding to that me being gay, I think they see my nonconformity as coming from there which it's not. I'm scared mostly of taking more permanent steps such as getting rid of facial hair and then being seen as some type of fetish or wanting to be a girl :/

Hi Dr Z PHD, thanks a lot for all you do. I've been transitioning for a while now and came out to my parents. We both live in different countries and we only rarely see each other. My mom refuses to use the correct pronouns. My parents are very religious & conservative and my transitioning and being true to myself is apparently ruining their reputation and bringing shame to the family. I wish there was something to do that could change their minds. At least my father sometimes uses the right pronouns but my Mom just couldn't accept this new reality and told me that I was selfish for doing this to her.

This happened with me where it was like my biggest fear and it took me so long to work up the courage to come out and my family kept doing that so I went back in the closet.

Coming out or social transitioning was increasingly had to resist with every passing day for me. A few occasions where I overshared without thinking ultimately resulted in a spur of the moment to come out, in person, with two people I work with. At work, my experience was far better than I ever expected, with comments such as "Kudos to you for your bravery, thank you for telling us in person", "I was wondering when you were going to tell us", and "I always saw you as a woman". My biggest fear in relation to my coming out and living authentically (I couldn't imagine doing one without the other) is the possibility that I will be a victim of a trans-hate crime - infrequent but still happening where I live.

Hi Dr. Z thank you so much for you videos I learn so much .All this is new to me ,my son just told me hes trans (how can I didn't knew???) But I love him with all my heart I will do anything for him ..Any books that you recommend for me to educate myself

My #1 fear is losing my job, because I know for a fact that would happen!! My #2 fear is dealing with what you have laid out here in regards to all others (family, neighbors, coworkers, etc).

I feel a litle encouraged. I'm so afraid of coming out completely and I so want to come out to my best friend. I want him to know about my gender anxiety I've had my whole life - I'm over retirement age and wish I'd have come out when I was 18, especially to him. We'll see......

str8 dad, father of tran. fully support their choice. and u look nice,

I came out to my mom and siblings over the weekend. They were fairly accepting, which surprised me to be honest. There were some minor issues that I'm hoping will resolve themselves in time, or at least with a bit of work. In my phone conversation with my mom she exhorted me to "read the bible" to find out "god's will" and examples like that. While my mom expressed acceptance there was some, albeit minor, pushback that I detected. Both my mom and siblings also kept saying things like "you'll always be my son/big brother," which might be problematic later but I think that right now it's just them coping with news being dropped on them that my gender expression will be changing to match my gender identity. At least I'm out to family now. Now it's friends and coworkers. Onwards and upward?

I am trapped. I simply can not come out. While my wife has excepted my cross-dressing, she has made it clear if I transition - she's gone. My daughter on the other hand has noticed the changes and has told me to come out, saying she would be understanding - but I had to deny my Gender Dysphoria. I'm simply too old to start over; having been "covered up" for 40 years!! I do very much appreciate your sessions, but to be honest,,,, scare me. I know I need to transition to be at peace, but I simply can't lose the love of my life - never-mind being too old to be post op. Where was the technology and the understanding 40 years ago? ...

I always felt sexualy atracted to girls but in my own way, a VERY intense atraction, to every aspect of a woman body. The atraction is so intense that I feel I am a heterosexual man but at the same time, since the atraction is so strong, sometimes I wanna be the woman and that’s new to me, when I was younger, I always felt less masculine than other men, but at the same time, nobody knew about my feeling. I don’t feel like a usual man, I feel like I want to be a man and be perceived as one, but I also want to be fully shaved, long hair, thin and feminine-like body, I want to be treated as a man in my life but as a woman sometimes also. I don’t identify with any one gender alone. Sometimes I wanna quit life, but it’s so hard to leave our loved ones.

I am really afraid of coming out to my family especially, since I have childhood trauma of my caregivers not listening to me and not taking me and my needs seriously. I'm hoping to overcome this some day, but for now it's too much.

I have only come out to a small group of people. I started with my wife (who is my ex now) once 5 years ago, and she pulled the "brainwashed by the Internet" card, which I took as plausible because I had doubts as to what my gender dysphoria really meant and she was very cold and blunt about her protest, which caved in my self-esteem then. Later, more recently, I came out with much more conviction because I had watched my reactions and feelings in regards to gender and me. But, I can remember the terrible anxiety I had everytime I brought it up, like I was going to start a huge fight and live in misery indefinitely. I would say that it wasn't entirely unmerited, but it did create arguments and a slow degradation of our marriage until it broke it. The second coming out to her she used the "complex childhood trauma" with a sister envy twist (which was flawed for so many reasons that her attempt to "correct" my thinking didn't even make me pause). Being cursed was in there, too, but at that point it was clear that she didn't have the "truth". I think what built my confidence up enough to plow through the anxiety the second time, and with 3 other individuals, was watching non-judgmentally for some time my gender expression, my inner narrative and my emotions amidst it all. It was still rough and I almost broke down crying trying to explain to one person I was trans, but if I can find courage to come out, anyone can.

My main fear is being wrong or not improving my quality of life as a result of coming out or doing whatever comes next. Nonetheless, I might be a bit of a neurotic, because most of the things you said other people may say... I said them to myself and in some sense I'm unable to get rid of them...

I don't know how to convince myself. I know I'm trans and I so desperately want to be out and to be myself but I'm worried what people around me will say and if I'll be able to keep my job or get fired for some piddily little thing they bring up every one does just to get rid of me. I want my surgeries and to be out as myself I just can't make myself do it. I've been on hormones for like 26 months and haven't made any changes in my life and idk what to do.

I would be very interested if you did a video about asexuality in the gender non comforming community. From what little research I've seen on the subject there is a higher percent of people who identify as asexual and non binary than the average percent of openly asexual people in the entire population. As someone who identifies as transgender and asexual I'd love to see how much more research is out there and learn about the theories as to why.

40 years old, 3.5 months into medical transition and 9 months into social transition. I have noticed that it seems a LOT harder to get problems resolved. There are people I came out to that have never even once used my proper name or pronouns, and I am worried about what might happen with housing and medical if I come out fully. However overall, I do feel more at peace with myself, I sleep much better. My meds have a minty smell so I like to call them "gender candy" :)

Thanks a lot. Well the binary really is an issue. Even dimorphic biological traits don't always line up in linear ways to produce two unambiguous sexes. I think reality is similar to that in many regards. Sometimes with broader fields of ambiguity, sometimes with even less. Good - bad, white - black, us - them, ... I'm still trying to figure out, how to tell my assinged nephews. It's not just me wanting to be out nonbinary, I also suppose it will help the younger one to let go confusion. My godson will be OK, I assume. We did watch an Ezra Furman video some time ago and he said about the gender of the singer: "you can't tell whether this person is male or female." It seemed to be very clear to him and in no way disturbing.

I find I've come out to a few people but still I'm afraid to come out due to rejection, being alone, not being excepted.

Thanks Doc! I love your work. Does anyone know a good french chanel like Dr Z's? I'd like to help a friend out, like Dr Z phd helps me, but this friend doen't talk english.

Extremely insightful video although I would preface it by saying a great deal depends on where you live. For example, "coming out" as transgender in most middle eastern country's would almost certainly cost you your life. Even here in the USA places such as Texas are not exactly tolerant to any kind of diversity. That said, I think people should be free to express themselves however they want and I admire those who dare to step outside the box, escape The Matrix and be there true selves.

I have come out to a dozen people, my mom as well as my work place and all have been accepting. I am having top surgery and going on hormones in a few months. For me the hardest thing is that now that I identify as a trans man, I feel like i can not be fem at all. I feel like once I transition, people will except me to be this binary construct of what a man is suppose to be and if I do anything that does not fit that construct, I will be invalidated. Which at the end of the day, I just want to be me.

I pass almost perfectly, my only problem is my name will out me. And I don't know how to change my name for under 1k

For me the biggest challenge has been to avoid discouragement. From the beginning I have had no problem coming out to everyone I know (or for that matter meet for the first time). I have been candid from the beginning and do not really care what others think; for the most part people have been amazingly supportive. But I care what I think and being read depresses me. Then like the ugly duckling who so longs to be a duck (female) and thinks she is a duck, she finds out that she can only be a swan (male) in the world’s eyes. There is of course no problem with being either a duck or swan. Both are beautiful, legitimate and of value, but when you long to be a duck, feel like a duck but still look like a swan it can be depressing. Will I ever be part of the clan or am I doomed to always be a strange swan in duck land? We all need acceptance and validation-especially from ourselves.

I believe that we all have mixed biological and gender characteristics. One of my biological parents was a woman, so I think it's okay to be a little (or a lot) female and feminine, in every sense of those words.

What about professionals who will lose professional capital if/when they come out. Like someone who may lose a 30+year career or just professionals who have published work under their dead name and would then want to come out and start publishing under their new name...any advice for logistics of keeping connections and reference build in your previous life?

Damn...hit home.

My partner of the time were outed very publicly as being Trans. I had exactly five Cis friends stay my friends. I was treated hatefully by nearly everyone I encountered. When I say hatefully, I mean being sucker punched by complete strangers. Ten years later, I am semi-passable and less harnessed. Coming our was certainly the worst expense of my life . However, I am so glad to be where I am today. .

I wish I could send this to a family member of mine. When I accepted that I am trans, this family member caught wind and gave me a very angry phone call. He (still prefers he) told me that he used to have the same feelings. He did exactly what you said and he dressed hyper-fem with makeup and everything, and then went out to a restaurant with a friend dressed that way. He said he was recognized immediately, so he looked in the mirror and had that exact same reaction you described. He went home, took it all off, and is now one of the most transphobic people you could ever not hope to run into. He is absolutely convinced that there is absolutely nothing a man can do that would make that man a woman. It is very sad. He ended by telling me to stop posting anything pro-trans to my FB account and that I will always be a man. I blocked him on FB. That's a surefire way for him to never see any pro-trans posts from me, right? I mean, I still COULD send this video to him, I suppose. I just know that nothing good will come of it because he has internalized all the transphobic hatred to the point where he would probably lick the dirt off of the boots of transphobic people like Trump, DeSantis, and Abbott. I still wonder what would have happened if he had just eased into it instead of diving straight into the deep end. Disclaimer: I'm fairly convinced he makes up stories a lot to justify his position. His story could never have happened.

I came out to my siblings and close friends. They took the news very well and not in judgmental way but I don’t think they took me too serious because I didn’t start my transition right away. I think even though I know I’m a transgender woman I think I still have internalized transphobia. I’m starting hormones now but am still afraid to tell my parents because I don’t want to make them unhappy.

I’m so happy I found this site! The information I’ve gotten from this Doctor has really helped me to gain control of my feelings and has given me a clear path to being happy!! A huge weight has been lifted! Verna M

My biggest fear isn't that they'll dismiss it, I am scared they won't dismiss it lol. I am just so used to people not caring about me, my personality my wants myself etc, I just feel very awkward and narcisstic if anyone pays attention to me.

I came out to my partner and my friends a few months ago. (I'm not sure if I'll ever come out to my parents.) It was something I had to do but I didn't feel particularly good about it afterwards. In fact, since then, I've mostly just felt shame and embarrassment. I feel like I'm being a burden on my friends by asking them to participate in something that's still quite niche and controversial (using they pronouns etc), and that I've hurt my partner by dropping such a major life change on them. I worry about seeming trendy, or like a cliche. I'm in my 30s and have a feminine body and don't look anything like the androgynous teens on tiktok. It's going to take a lot of time and money to look androgynous, and in the meantime I'm worried people will think I'm a fraud. Because I sometimes worry if I'm a fraud.

I'm afraid of being invalidated. I am AFAB and non-binary. I present very feminine so people assume that i am a woman which i understand, but I'm just scared people won't accept me. It makes me feel like I have to present a certain way in order to be validated. I feel very comfortable with my body, but social dysphoria has been bad.

Yesterday I made an appointment with my primary care provider and I felt super confident, and the minute I got to the words "gender dysphoria" It felt like I was getting strangled. It's been 20 years, and although 24 feels too late, and I am lost, my pcp made such a huge difference and I didn't know I as a person could feel that way. She asked a lot of questions that were really hard to answer, as it was the first time I actually spoke about it in the open. I've known since I was 4, it's literally my earliest memory and I remember my parents scolding me for it. I thought maybe I was lying, but hearing someone use the same pronouns I've used to myself ask about names, offer to help with referals, and talk me through the process; I've never felt happier in my life. I asked her not to put anything on my file right now, but the acceptance I felt, idk. Coming here to vent about it because I can't bring myself to talk about it to people I know IRL, but if you're in my shoes, know that you can do this. It might be difficult, it might suck, and it might make you want to dissappear from the world, but the trade off is 100% worth it.

I guess more than "my loved one would leave me" was the fear of not knowing what the whole process of being approved for transition would be like, and that I would be denied hormones, surgery, etc. if, for what ever reason, a trained gender psychologist would see me as invalid or "not really trans", because for whatever reason there was no documented "proof" of my gender dysphoria early in life, or that my personality/interests were seen as "not feminine enough", or that i was in a relationship with a woman, and back then a lot of misconception and ignorance about being trans was this idea we had to conform to a heteronormative binary sexuality as a lot of people around me back then didn't realize that not only are sexuality and gender identity different, but that we have the entire spectrum of sexuality the same as cis people do. So finally coming out later in a more informed and supportive era, yes I can't help but regret not coming out when I was younger, but at the same time i'm glad i came out in an era where people are more informed and there's less ignorance and cultural stereotypes going around.

Doctor Z I have a lot of fear of my family having trouble with my relationship can you give me some advice there really threatening they feel that I am I'm crazy they're forcing me to be something I'm not. I don't know what to do about it?

Na my biggest fear is if People invide my personal Space. And comming out means, certain Aspects I was able to classify as private are no longer private no matter what. If I change Underwear it will be seen at some Point. People will ask me about my experiences and Wants, and I might be forced to come to them.

I came out in 1984 and my family does not understand or want to understand what's going on with me since then I have always felt like I was a woman and doing drag because that's how I present myself so I don't know what I'm going to do from now on

I'm scared to come out publicly. At work I'm still some guy. Outside my house I'm still some guy. Even to a lot of people I know I'm still some guy. It's tough.

You touched about a lot of things especially BS I have a doctorate at it. My wife is a manic depressive always has been we are distanced we don’t have sex very often slim to not at all for very long periods very very long periods you were talking about truncating in one of your videos I have been married for 30 years a lot of cutting through the bullshit I was a fire fighter medic. Wayback in the 70s . I do believe I came out a lot of times in my life but I declined to believe that my brother and I never really talked much except last summer found out that people always thought I was gay oops I guess that was denying that fact. Tell this summer when my brother came out we laughed and laughed I always cross-dressed getting caught soirée it off but about two months later back at it again I hated lying so this year I pushed hard but this time with a support system this time with a new care manager that’s appointed by my wife’s trust she was responsible for getting me the help that I needed she recommended marriage counseling this time it was down for the fifth time this time Though we did it with a psychologist that specialized in sexual wellness I told the care manager my wife needed to be educated it helped me he told her that it was wrong to stop me except wrestling I hurt myself at work how to go in for surgery my shoulder tripped on something at work I’ve talked with a lot of the aids that come to take care of me about my sexuality they told me about a lot of what you were saying I have 2Psychiatrist 2 psychologist Plus the sister her sister and the care manager All I am outside all cards are on The table of course I’m scared finally after 45 years of suffering growing distant being extremely frustrated I feel the reason that I became involved in the fire department add the ambulance they were very long hours being volunteer there’s many days away from home well at least hours. I was afraid of the Dangers of transitioning but now I realize I’m just bullshitting myself you you certainly spelled it out you’re absolutely right with a couple of your videos I feel certain I should proceed I know the dangers of surgery I was also born with one testicle I had exploratory surgery needless to say that was embarrassing for an 11-year-old I accidentally let it be known at school I don’t want to repeat hear what I was called but also I had a learning challenge and I I was bullied about that too along with being gay I just built a wall around myself never really coming out to myself till I was 25. I went back in the closet at 35 came out 38 numerous times over my life. Are used still look in the mirror it always wondered what it would look like if I were a woman and I would swoon about it and sworn. When I got married it was a miserable honeymoon she was a depression medicine that backfired I felt she was like a deer last in the headlights when I married her because he had family problems so excuses excuses excuses for myself I finally figured out if I transition the world will not Standstill so I was being narcissistic not any longer I’ve got a try to get out get my ears pierced where make up. I have a wonderful friend of the family that’s gonna stop by the apartment yeah give me a make up lessons she supports me ... wish me luck I love your videos I was watching one of the videos about trans and the Frankenstein Theory I do believe the professors first name was Susan they them she had a long talk very academic elitist hard to follow. His paper was written in the context of talking to Dr. Frankenstein I just feel the way they treated Frankenstein is A lot like people perceive trans women but I guess I can’t worry about what everybody thinks I just thought it was funny really cool And to the point enough of the bullshit onward and upward thank you Dr. Z

M . Since accompanying my trans son to a meeting I started questioning myself and for me to come out would be questionable.

I'm afraid of coming out to my wife's family. My wife knows but her family isn't too affirming to the trans lifestyle so I'm trying to find a way that works.

Fear and terror. I thought people would hate me and lose my fiends and family. I have many friends from acquaintances to close friends. I decided I would try a distant friend on the phone, . I said to her you might not speak to me again, but i have female.vrain and a male anatomy...she said is that all. And I added her to my fb account from my dead account. All of my friends were were pleased for me. I had a lot of friends. They understand easily when split the two. My siblings were the most difficult. I found put my sister knew since we were children. For the first few years it was tough, but gradually they have come back into my life. I always make friends with open people, I keep away from racists, bigots etc. So a different experience from what I thought...I made new friends too. Even though the UK has rolled back our rights, with lgbgq+ rights since 2016 the hate has grown. No .no thouhght I wss deluded...most of my friends were from Brighton which is very open. I thought if someone doesn't respect me, then they are not mu friend. My 4 sisters were the most difficult to deal with. But I knew this. Now I feel totally free. Its one of those fear burdens gone. I never have to hide again 💜

My biggest fear is that I am married and I come from a large Christian and conservative family and I am afraid everyone will shun me and that I will lose friends and my job. But I love being gay and cross dressing and being feminine although it is behind closed doors. I dream of moving far away sometimes and starting over as a transgender woman. Just a dream.

What I have found out that is extremely disappointing is the lack of support from other Trans Women. Hell Cis people have treated me better once they understand I'm Trans. Family should not eat its own.

3:03 I say this to myself! spouse is accepting. sister is accepting. I do not want to be transgender. My therapist asks whyI have to be transfem. But world only has 2 choices on legal documents.

I've come out to my parents but they dont realise i want to transition. In fact, I've told them i didnt want to but deep down I do. How do i tell them? Is there any way to 'soften the blow'?

I started to medical transition but I haven't told my parents and family because they are transphobic and homophobic. And I want to move out but they are both ill and they need me. My dad has cancer and my mom has diabetes and high blood pressure. Don't know what to do next 😢😥😭

You talk about invalidation but what if you are more worried about abandonment? I guess I’m used to not being taken seriously but I’m really afraid of people leaving. How do you handle that?

This past week I come out to my parents. But it didnt go well. My dad wont read my letter. And my mom said you know how he feels . "She if you do this we won't have anything to do with you. I'll only love you as my son." Like I thought we were close. I thought they loved me. Like how do I move on?