Whenever I doubt myself, I ask myself 2 questions: 1. Let’s say I’m not really trans. Can I see myself living as my gender assigned at birth? - if the answer is still no and it makes me physically cringe even thinking about it, I move on to the next question. 2. Would I feel comfortable or better if I stopped hormones right now? - even though HRT has been amazing at relieving dysphoria for me, I sometimes wonder if this means I should stop. But I have to remind myself that this means the hormones are doing their job. If I stopped now and I consider that the dysphoria would likely return, would I be okay with that? If not, I continue on my journey.

I've been deliberately vague with the people I have come out to with regards to what the "endgame" looks like. I know I don't want to be "male" and being vague with everyone else makes me feel like i can plant my flag anywhere along the road that I find myself feeling comfortable. I've been really trying to view this as a journey of discovery as opposed to a journey from point A to point B. Also I have a tendency to hedge my bets. ;) Might not be a good strategy for everyone, but it's been working for me so far.

Yes!!! This is exactly what I've done to be sure of my path. I ask, "Well, could I be comfortable going back to a fully male body?" The immediate response I feel every time is fear and disgust. The truth is I'm properly terrified of testosterone. I've also realized that when I'm feeling uncomfortable with my transition, it's always caused by the rejection of people I care about. That discomfort doesn't come from within, it comes from a desire to be accepted. It's been really helpful to learn that pattern so I can identify it and trust that the discomfort never lasts more than a day or so.

Great video. This is why therapy is so important before thinking about hormones

This video was very timely, thank you. I've had some doubts about my transition, going onto five months of HRT now, off and on the past week or so. But every now and then something would occur that reaffirmed my choice to begin transitioning. For example, this past Sunday I was in the local drugstore buying some makeup, when the teller rung me in she wished me a happy woman's day and gave me a small gift bag for the occasion. The feeling of affirmation almost made me burst into tears. Or a couple I helped out at work called me "dear" when they thanked me for my assistance. Going back to "square one," as you call it, seems like a good idea. I would depend less on external validation and hopefully find some more intrinsic that I can use to validate myself.

D. Z PHD, 6 months ago after I started seeing a therapist, I realized that I was transgender and not just a crossdresser. After I realized that the depression and sadness I was always feeling was because I was trying to be who I knew deep inside wasn't me, I came out as transgender and started to live full time as Holly. I'm so much more happier than I ever was, I still have the thoughts that maybe I'm making a mistake but they are starting to come less and less. My therapist says that starting out, I would have those feelings and that as time went on I would have fewer of them. She says that most of her trans clients have felt that way from time to time and that since I feel so much better being Holly than I ever did as *dead name*, she feels I've made the right decision. And shes right, my depression and sadness is all but gone and I'm so much more happier than I was 6 months ago. I know I am on the right track, I feel better being Holly than I ever did as *dead name*. My therapist has told me that if someone else has an issue with the new me, it's their problem. I can't fix their issues, I can only work on mine! And shes right.

You know, sometimes I feel like you're a guardian angel or something because so many times that I have been struggling with my gender identity in the past year you seem to have a video that answers my specific questions as if you were some kind of oracle talking to just me about my anxiety and fears. Today I am starting HRT (MtF this youtube account is old) and I have been freaking out about the reality of it all hitting me like a brick that I am really about to go through this kind of metamorphosis. Then there is your video, there to help me realize I am making the right decision and that I still feel incongruent with my gender.

Cw: self harm. I was suicidal, and did things that exposed that self loathing. When I started hormones a few months ago, my dysphoria all but disappeared. And I did start having doubts. What got me back on track was knowing that if I stop transition, there would be a next time, and I might not be lucky enough to survive it again. Starting this journey has saved my life.

I have been on HRT for two months, started laser hair removal, and hope to begin voice lessons soon. I have a number of reasons for stopping my transition - a good relationship with a loving wife, a nice home and interesting life, being almost seventy years old with good chances of never passing, never seeing my dog again, all the difficulties in coming out to family, friends, neighbors, my dysphoria being such that I can live with my genitals. Given my age I believe I will not ever want any surgeries except maybe hair transplantation. But, when I manage to put all that aside and ask myself who I am, I believe I am a women and know I want to be one. Regardless of past experience with cross dressing some years ago and struggling with a transphobic world, that feeling has been with me my entire life. That sense is what drives me to continue the transition with a lack of surety about where I may end up.

I really needed these words! Gender roles and expression can play a big part in the identity as a whole. Thank you so much for the advice.

Yes! You are so right going back in forth.

You described exactly my process exactly. For my first 3 years in transition, I frequently had doubts, some quite serious. When that happened, I would always go back to the beginning, and ask the question, why am I here? How did I get here. What would I do differently? Am I on the right path? Each time I concluded that my fear of transitioning was far less than my fear of what would happen to my mental health, if I stopped transitioning or detransitioned. I was in a serious mental health crisis just prior to transitioning. My dysphoria was literally driving me crazy. Once I went full time all the doubts went away.

I just started Spiro and in a month will be starting Estrodial. I am both excited, nervous, and scared. I have always hated being on pills or medicine, and the idea of being on them forever sucks to me even though the results make me happy. My second guessing has revolved around that and wondering if its worth it and if I can just continue to hide like I did for all of those years. My answer came when I noticed that my beard and body hair hasn't grown all that much in three days. It made me very happy and I felt better in my body.

Wow exactly what im goin thru, took step back, held back from anything feminine bout month 1/2 stopd and told myself why am I doin this hurting myself inside from things I like . Started dressing fem again goin to support group, being me what feels more comfortable around family so ya getting back on track to posibly hrt again.

your content keeps me going, ily

You are incredibly helpful Dr. Z. You are giving me strength and hope. Thank you so much.

love your content! so helpful ❤️

There is so much powerful information here. Thank you.

Thank you Dr Z. This video has just come at the right time as I lost my way due to some nasty life experiences. Many thanks once again🌈🙏🌻

Thanks Doc Z Another great Video, this reinforces the need for the right therapist to go through this with.

Hi Dr Z. Another great video! I feel like this one was made just for me. There is so much to unpack in this topic. I’m constantly full of self-doubt while I fight to accept the truth I know and confront the fear of the unknown. It’s a struggle to understand if I’m just scared of something I’ve never had or if transition is not for me.... yet whenever I stop, the noise that quieted always comes back. Thank you for never shying away from the tough topics that we always need to hear.

I needed this today and probably will bookmark it for the future as well. Thank you for your content, it's so helpful especially when I can't afford to go to therapy right now due to the pandemic. I appreciate it so much. 🙏

Yep, stopped HRT and after a month or 6 weeks started to feel horrible again. I got back on it and I feel better again. I can't imagine going back ...so... moving forward again. You are right about feeling disphoria even worse. So now I am saying 'darn I am trans!' I don't want to be trans because of society not because I don't want to be trans. So fear is on one side of it and dysphoria is on the other side. I have not transitioned socially but I keep creeping up on it. At 68 it is freakin difficult. My kids are ok with it but my siblings are not. Some of my friends are ok with it and others are already gone.

thank you so much !

Thank you, Dr. Z PhD! Perfect timing. Just recently, I discovered how hurtful and energy consuming my gender dysphoria, the background noise, has been all my life. I'm not yet outed at work, so I'm pressing it back so hardly most of the day that I need hours to feel myself again at home. That's when I doubt whether it's the right path for me. But at the time I feel myself again, it's crystal clear, that it was the best decision to transition. I look forward to feel like myself all day and have the energy for the good things in life.. Thanks again for your videos. They help a lot!

Great video as always! For me doubt has so far only come at really hard moments so I'm probably not there yet. But in a way, knowing how common doubt is makes me think that feeling doubt would further convince me that I'm on the right path. So far I have really been struck by how universal all of these worries and concerns seem to be for everyone transitioning so when I encounter them in my own life it actually feels validating.

I don’t have a lot of time to comment out here right now but, I wanted to thank you so much for making these videos, the information in them has been very helpful for me. I have been out for over 10 years and am now taking steps(Non medical.) to transition, I like the “little by little” approach to things, so far, so well. I cannot say enough how the information you put out here has helped me. I want you to know that I am a lifelong subscriber and look forward to all the content you make. Thank you once again. 😊

I think I’m questioning it and still in the denial phase cause I know it’s going to be a hard process to go through.

So incredibly helpful thank you. This is the exact topic I've wanted to discuss. The doubt can be terrifying, sometimes even scarier than the dysphoria because it makes me lose my sense of self and question who exactly I am. But when I take a step back and remember what I'm doing and why I'm doing it, and step away from what the people around me think, it has helped put me back on my path. Thank you so much.

Dr Z. You are simply amazing, period. I don’t know how I would survive without all your knowledge and support as I do not have any money to spend on therapy. I’ve been on HRT for 20 months , MtoF. It’s been a bumpy journey for me but I have stuck with it and in times of fear, doubt and worry you are there like an angel. I would like to thank you with every fibre of my body for your passion and support to our community. I would nominate you for the highest award for your service. 🌟🌈🌟

This video was so helpful and your timing is impeccable! I have been on HRT for a little over three years and I have been stuck in self-doubt. With a little introspection I discovered that my body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria are the culprits causing my doubt. Going back to square as reassured me that I'm on the correct path, even though self-doubt persists. Thank you!

Not really the place to pour my heart out, but I have been directly confronted and challenged by your very straight forward way of speaking, and you hit several nails pretty hard in some of your other videos. I have all the usual issues in addition to advanced age, but I really don't care, I am getting more and more confident with the person I want to be; the spirit is definitely there but I have so many fears over the form. I have been wanting to call my doctor and start looking at counselling and therapy, and I think this set of videos has been the impetus I needed, so wish me luck I guess. I also think that as I start this journey for real this is going to be a vital resource, so I am subbing too. Thank you :) Edit: also just out of curiosity, what are the 'New York' books behind you, the big black ones with numbers? I noticed your subway cars too :)

Am I Really Trans or Am I Just Trying to Be Difficult/Different/Special: A Memoir Usually the story goes something like this- new name and pronouns feel good. New voice and facial hair feel good. Wait but maybe I'm fake? I'm convincing myself to like these things? I don't hate my chest or waistline.... *Checks below my belt* mmmm nope don't like what's going on down there 😂 the imposter syndrome is vicious

TW. Thank you for this video. Reading the comments I think your community really appreciated it too. Although I don't doubt I sometimes question. I've found myself instinctively asking myself the "go back to square one" question. I would ask myself how I would feel if I didn't start social and hormonal transition or if I would stop them. I get my answer by actually not getting an answer and noticing that my mind kinda hits a wall when trying to picture my previous self/life. It just doesn't want to go there. If I try to force it, it's mentally hard and painful. I already know what I'll find there and I think my subconscious is somehow trying to protect me from that. This intense aversion that I feel is my non-answer answer. I am not happy right now but I know that going back is going to be much much worse. If there is any hope for me, it's by moving forward and only forward.

Thank you this video is fantastic lam so grateful for this content

Awsome. Thank you. This is exactly what I need to hear, go back to initial stage. If I go back, there is always the certainity I'm on the right track.

I have lost my compass several times. Then the wanting to transition comes back even stronger. Unfortunately I can't come out again to my father & cousins because the first time I came out they don't want to hear about it or want to try to understand what I was feeling & I why wanted to transition. My brother, on the other hand, when I came out to him the 1st time, he didn't speak to me for about 3 years. So now I'm starting to transition again, but also have to present my self as male to all of my family members. Also, when I came out the first time to people in the neighborhood they didn't want anything to do with from that point on. All of that rejection was very hurtful, damaging, & destructive to my self esteem. I thought that at least some of family & friends were going to be supportive. So this time I have not told anyone. I know that I'll never be able to completely pass as a female & that is okay with me at this stage of my life of being 57 years old. Yet I struggle every day with my inner self that I wished that I would have been born female because deep down that is who I am. My gender therapist is, I feel, pushing me too fast into getting my birth certificate &other legal documents changed to my feminine name & gender. For me, I think that that would be more appropriate to start doing just before gender reassignment & breast surgery or shortly thereafter. The reason being is that some point in the the I happen to decide to stop my transition, it will another ordeal to deal with in getting everything changed back to my male name. But I have had my eyebrows arched, next month will be permanent eyeliner, & starting laser hair removal again. Then the next 2 major steps is to get a wig & help with makeup. I just want to be me. I want to be able to wear the clothes I like such as dresses, skirts, nylons, heels, pants, makeup, & so forth when I go to the grocery store or any other errands I have to do. Unfortunately, I can't take hormones due to medical reasons of blood clots in my lungs from the last time I was on hormones. All I really want is the gender reassignment & small breast surgeries sometime next fall if possible because the sooner the better, for me, for my outer self to be in line with my inner self that I have struggling with since I was 10 years old. I hate my male genitals with a passion. My family wouldn't notice if I had gender reassignment surgery anyway, but they may notice my breast which I can cover up by wearing loose fitting t-shirts.There is so much more to say but I just find the words to express myself correctly.

I've been on T for almost a month and I've been oscillating everyday multiple times between wanting to continue and stop hormones. I know I need to get top surgery not matter what I do or identify as, but I guess I've unconsciously assimilated top surgery + t, and the fact that I can't do top surgery without t. Maybe I'll stop T for now and get top surgery first, you're a life saver!

I have noticed that I've been doubting myself but I did exactly what you said and found my true north before watching this video. Also, the few people I have come out to were very supportive of what I found ☺️. I'm still going to ease coming out

Thursdays. This is the day!

The more I listen to you ,the more I know I'm doing the right thing, thank you

Only problem for me is i blew my life up to transition. I rushed into it and lost everything. The therapist that i had meant well but i should've stayed on 'square one' longer. Now there is no longer a square one for me. My advice is don't move too fast. Use your square one right the first time.

Your advice to think about whether I feel comfortable with my body as is (for me, my secondary sexual characteristics) is really confirming to me that I am on the right path. I decided to start hormones a few weeks ago and honestly I haven't noticed any magic boost of mood or anything, and I'm a little nervous about how things will go in the future. But I am excited for the changes.

A LT MORE THAN DR, GREAT IQ

Can you talk more about gender expression and gender role? I feel as non binary, this gets incredibly complicated to process, then try to communicate to those, sometimes to those who are allies!! This video has a lot of great advice as always. :)

Omg dr .i try not to comment everytime lol..We love you. But definitely this is where im at. (FTM nonbinary) on the lowest of T 25mg..i find myself sad on losing the girl i once was but realizing she was never happy...Also just seeing the changes so quick lol confusing.. But the male traits makes me more at home...I guess its the " oh this is really happening " stage.. But yes thanks for all your content . Always on time.

Thank you Dr. Z. If Im in the path but somehow feel that trasition is not or maybe too much for me. Does that mean I am not transgender? (Cause I really don't feel or don't want to be cisgender) Also what question should I ask myself to understand whether I don't need to trasition or just afraid (or maybe too lazy or even scared I won't look as a woman). I am MtF 41. Married with 2 children. Next step is to talk to my wife. But I don't know to say "where is this going".

For me square one is the realization that I am actually at peace when I can express my gender. Probably my dysphoria has a trauma related origin and not genetical nevertheless it feels real nonetheless. War or peace, and the choice is made.

Wow. Im 5 years into transition Srs Rapidly approaching. I've been experiencing so much anxiety lately with surgery. O know when I started my Epic Journey I knew all the confusion and struggles that go along. Somehow I've made it this far and I was just wondering is it completely normal to feel this way after all the progress that has been made

The "square one" metaphor is a great one. Everyone is 100% certain... right up to the point they have their first negative reaction from someone or your first freakout over body morphology. "Yo-yoing" is very common as dysphoria seems to come in waves. Maybe because the different parts of your mind are fighting for who controls the monkey? If you are unable to pursue transition, that yo-yoing feels a lot more like hitting your head against a wall most of the time. We should play the "caption this thumbnail animation" game. Hehe. ;+)

I'm not questioning. i'm questioning how people question.

most recently, i changed my name and pronouns (from they/he to she/her, and from the masculine name aaron to the gender neutral name ariel). i also went out and bought more tightly-fitted clothing, and started getting used to wearing makeup. all of this was due to a major dysphoric episode i had two weeks ago which pushed me to transition more, at least before i inquire about hrt. i fell into a depression over the past week due to fear and self-doubt, especially because of the name change. it felt like a lot to get used to, but hopefully i’m on the way out of the depressive stage. i did have to go back to step 1 and ask myself what brought me to this point and what being trans would mean for me, knowing how bad the gender dysphoria can be from time to time. if i really need to, i’ll take a step back with the name change and/or pronouns and re-assess it.

I just started HRT 4 months ago and have been doubting. Not about being trans, but about if it's worth it. Transitioning doesn't seem to be helping me feel better, but it is creating new problems. I am sure I'm trans, I'm just uncertain if I can handle the reality of what it means.

Dr. Z, I have a question for you if you're comfortable answering: What percentage of your clients who start hormones end up deciding that transition is not for them and stop?

I have been on T for 6 weeks and am out socially and at work. I'm on a low dose and have been feeling in the past 2 weeks that I want to increase the dose as the changes are too slow but today I have been wondering if I should be medically transitioning because it's so hard. Socially I know I am not a woman and I don't want to be in that role. I do however love to wear women's clothes sometimes and dream of wearing a pretty blouse with a flat and hairy chest. At the moment I am free to wear what I want but I get read as a woman. If I look more masculine I will give up the freedom I currently have to wear women's clothes in public and not be mocked, stared at or abused. I like women's clothes, I am attracted to men so why not keep being "a woman"? Because I know in my heart it is not who I am. Transition is complicated. I identify as a gay, queer (or non-conforming) man. Sometimes I just hate myself for being so complex and for not being able to live a simple life and I try to convince myself that I am just complicating things but then it starts to feel like abuse because I literally want to be sick when I call myself a woman or someone else does, it is so uncomfortable. Thank you for your video. It is hard but I think, for my own sake, I need to persist.

What if I don't know what's comfortable or not comfortable since I have alexithymia and dissociation?

I feel like I *may* be okay with my AGAB when I imagine myself with a person that I like recently. But how do I know if I am *really* okay with it, or if I'm just wishing/hoping I can be cis?

What if Im afraid of being comfortable with my assigned gender. Like sometimes I have thoughts that I am and I making a huge mistake with transition and the thought makes me panic and i have to make myself feel good by maybe wearing my dress or saying to myself that Im a woman to make myself feel better. Like Im afraid of transition being a mistake and regetting it later. but sometimes I really wanna feel pretty and be a girl. I just feel like this is all too out there or special for me to be it. Like theres no way I could be this

ive been watching nonstop trans related videos for months now and i still feel like im telling myself im trans because its something i want rather than something i "need"... anyone have this problem?

Can you make a video about internalized Transphobia 🥺

Transition has been rough on me because I quickly realised the limitations of HRT. I question if transition is a viable treatment for trans women who will never pass. I don't believe you can generally help dysphoria if you are not read by society in your desired gender role.

Is makeup very important psychologically

I an afraid to move forward

Im questionning again because i cant seem to find any pronouns that really fits me. Growing up i always wanted to be born a girl but feminine pronous like she her still feels odd to me but i also dont like male figures names like son, father, boy, men etc I thought she her would bring euphoria but it doesnt 😐

What if your fear is judgement from God ?

If I didn’t start my journey FTM I would be dead

If you are watching this.. you are certainly a tg to a certain degree.. because normal man/woman will not do research into this kinda topic especially when you wonder if you are a tg or not.

Wtf. Why do i always get from detrans videos to this kind of staff. No..