Such an important point that when you first decide to present publicly as your innate gender, you are NOT going to be 'transformed' in the way you think you are. You will be yourself in a dress, or yourself in... whatever boys wear. No matter how good you are at being yourself in private, everything changes when you start to socialize. Your skill, your understanding of what others perceive, your mannerisms, and your voice WILL change for the better _over time._ Your transition takes time and includes a lot of factors you cannot understand before you do it. So DO it, do your talk therapy, come out to your social group, start the process, it is NOT going to be a Cinderella moment, where you wave your wand and suddenly you're Wanda. It's more like Tony Stark in that cave, building a super-suit out of a box of scraps. You don't win the game just by training in the off-season, you have to get on the field and PLAY. You don't become a feminine person by feeling like one, you have to go out and BE one. This is a good thing, but it does mean it's incumbent on you to start transition as soon as you can, once you are sure that's what you want. Start now, enjoy the process, and know you will come out on the other side as an improved version of yourself.

I sometimes feel that my transition is moving at the speed of a snail trapped in a glacier, but ultimately, it's to my personal benefit, as those around me are adjusting without realizing what they're adjusting to.

So many trade offs that go with Transition 5 years into Hrt 3 years living full-time Srs Rapidly approaching. Best decision I've ever made for myself. One of the things I can tell you about Transition Get in Sit down Strap in Hang on You are in for one of the wildest roller coaster rides you've ever been on That seems to never end. Most of us fall and lose it all There are dark days that I really don't talk about. I actually wound up homeless during in the dead of winter 4 months trying to survive alone. Completely changed be as a person. Looking back now I seriously don't know how I made it. I understand what the struggles truly are. It is something that I would not wish on my worst enemy People say that its a choice. Why would anyone choose this #Bornthisway #Girlslikeus

If someone is so attached to my outer shell, the most superficial part of me, I'm not sure I need them in my life. * Shrug * if they're going to be upset about my top surgery, would they also be upset if i had to do the same thing for breast cancer? Would they start hating me if my face got burnt in a fire or got a nose job or if I lost my arm? I know it's not /quite/ the same but that's the best example I can think of right now. You give sound advice to those who are concerned about those around them having an issue with their transition but at the end of the day it's my life and my body, you know?

Even before I came out I started making changes like losing some weight, growing my hair out, dressing more androgynously, even starting facial hair removal. It honestly didn't take that long before I felt comfortable presenting when going out for a walk or to buy groceries; honestly wearing face masks everywhere has helped.

Made my social transition last month. Now living as myself 24/7 and now on the downward slope of the journey. Your videos have been a huge help. Thank you. And yes... I have hit the tipping point and it was liberating.

I experienced this when I first attempted to socially transition and I was changing my clothing style. My parents struggled to accept it. Now, 2 years later, I have to start over with my transition but my parents are finally accepting what medical transition will really be

Thank you Dr Z. This gives me a very useful perspective that "coming out" to my closest loved ones should happen early so they can adjust along with me. And it also makes coming out feel like less of a bombshell

With my siblings they say that they support me but. I get "dead named". Continuing my transition I stopped it to make them happy. I told myself I can't keep living a lie.

I was contemplating this exact thing this morning - THANK YOU 😊

Hello mrs.Z my family is thinking that i'm being brainwashed by fellow transfolks who I keep chatting with online to reduce gender dsyphoria and suicidal thoughts , love ur vids oh and dw i'm an adult lol

Thanks for saying that, this is also my intension to do in my situation. Especially in marriage with my wife, I've came out, she's really supportive, but for me it has been too good to be true. So I've decided to test it with full female clothing now without any hormones and everything and I've received strong pushback. So I've talked about this with my wife what transition really is. And I see the very slow approach is the correct one for everybody. I also believe the therapist will be needed for all for me and my wife to really go thru this. Because facing reality is something different than imagination in our minds.

I felt what you were talking about. I picked up some clothes. Brought it home. Tried on my first skirt. Showed my family. I already had came out months prior. They are supportive of my coming out. When I walked out to show them. They just looked happy before they saw me. When they looked directly at me. They just looked down. They didn't really say anything. I felt alone. It was hard to get out of that feeling. Because of that, I'm scared to be myself. I just wear pants. Really put me in a place of shame. A place I thought I left. I'm slowly getting myself out of it. Thank you Dr. Z. Your videos help.

Excellent and important subject! Early in transition, you really have no idea who is really going to be supportive or not. Some people can only support you when you look more "gender normative" further on in your transition (I'm talking a medicalized transition). They feel as if "okay, you're presentable enough to be seen in public with you now" or "I can call you your pronoun because you now match it." Sometimes, it's only when they see people like waiters or baristas call you 'maam' that they can believe it's okay to do so as well. I had a number of persons who completely disappeared from my life for 2-3 years only to magically reappear later on when when I was more "acceptable." A lot of other people want to seem progressive and accepting even though they just aren't. In theory, they feel they should support trans people but, emotionally, they just aren't okay with it. They will tell you things like "you do what you want to do." As you succinctly put in this video, their support falls apart when they see the reality of your changes. You might find a lot of people who "liked the original you" and "don't like the 'character' they think you've become." They feel as if you've become less real rather than a more real version of who you are. And, yes, they feel a lot of shame about feeling that way which makes them avoid you even more. I transitioned a long, long time ago and have faced people (a family member) who wanted to be seen as supportive but now, in these very fractious times, have come out vocally supporting extremely transphobic characters like Dennis Prager and Ben Shapiro and then being surprised when I really am not comfortable being around them. You really don't know how it's all going to fall out.

I think this is why I'm considering coming out to people early in the scheme of things. No backtracking, easier pill to swallow, and it puts the perception of my experimentation in the proper light. Downside is that I'm far less certain about where I want to be going in the first place. Were my peers the type to be able to accept the "go with the flow and find a name for it later" approach instead of using that uncertainty as justification for why I'm mistaken, it'd make things easier.

I think the reality sunk in for my mom was when I got top surgery a month ago. She was finally calmer and everyday about me. When she saw me happy after top surgery she finally stopped questioning me.

Great video Dr Z!! My family are very much like this. It's a bit be trans as long as we don't see it we cool. Due too hormones not doing anything at this point, I'm in no way ready to even entertain a female presentation. That said k have found even tiny thing's like growing my hair out and maybe being open about interests or skin care treatments has helped them slowly adjust too what may be down the Road.. thanks again for the awesome content.

I am about to go through this in the next few weeks. Been dressing 24/7 inhouse with wife and daughters. My therapist believes it will be healthy to let myself be open. Going to start with my property, I think I can start the transition and slowly get my confidence up tell my mother first and neighbors and sisters,ect. finally feeling balanced physically, mentally, and soul. You helped so much it is kinda scary how spot on you are. I'm at the tipping point right now whenever I see myself in the mirror. I love her my reflection. What I'm noticing also, is I'm building out my wardrobes, jewelry,makeup, polishes, perfumes, and shoes. When I'm ready I want to have everything situated so I can do my final purge of male clothing and live 100 % naturally myself. I'm about 3/4 mtf gender binary and learning through this how to love myself.

I have been out socially for a year and yesterday my mother asked me "So you really want to look like a woman now?" I was like "You've been seeing me for over a year this way?" The fact is I was in a nicer outfit than bummy house clothes, my presentation has improved quite a bit, and I was made up to go out, and she saw the difference. I was pleased with myself, but I thought the change was incremental, while to her it was drastic. This is one of those milestone moments, and I think her perception of me changed. Thank God it seems to have gone well. She was a little critical, of my hair and weight, but honestly, I loved it, knowing if I'd been her natal daughter, this is the kind of "constructive criticism" she would have always given me. (She's beautiful and thinks a woman should make an effort to be beautiful.) Presenting to my brother this year did NOT go as well, and despite his claims of understanding, for years, when he actually saw me in my feminine mode, he took it very badly. Like Dr. Z says, he never experienced my baby steps, and so my showing up in full makeup dressed for a nice dinner was too drastic for him. He never got to acclimate to my life changes, or he dismissed the small changes he saw in me because I defaulted to my 'little brother' social presentation, instead of asserting myself. That was a reality check that I am still trying to deal with. So what can I do? I failed to take it slow enough with him and now I'm not sure what I can do about it. I'm afraid I've made it harder for him to accept me.

Thanks for another few minutes of diamond clarity. After hearing you explain it, moving gradually along the gender spectrum and giving the people I care about enough time to adjust makes total sense to me. My takeaway is that maintaining authentic relationships with others is a process, not an event. Your ability to extract simple, clear explanations from foggy, dimly perceived "common sense" strikes me as exacting science and elegant artistry. Thanks again.

You mentioned a tipping point in this video where we finally see the person we feel inside. Im not very far but my transistion has had a few smaller tipping points and not really one big one. Where it seems nothing is happening and then something clicks where I know what I want and I want it "now." I hope you have more videos talking about this concept. But either way, thank you for the videos. I adore this channel and your insights.

I love this post Dr Z! I can relate to this message so much. I’m experiencing the tipping point and the relational interactions you describe here. The great coincidence is I was just thinking about these things subconsciously as I discovered and related to this wonderful message. Still a difficult stage of self discovery and universal acceptance.🌹

this came at just the right time for me, thank you!

Thank you for the great advice I am just starting to come out to friends and family.

this is hte same advice my therapist offered me :) it's been working fairly well so far! "no sudden moves!"

Another pertinent video. Thanks Dr. Z

Thanks Dr Z for another great video. I'm so sorry that you had to go through reading this awful comment today. Your videos helped me progress mentally faster than I would have done otherwise. I've learned so much watching your videos. I just sense love and empathy emanating from you. You're the best.

This is very insightful information. My partner set the tone that they wanted to transition gradually. And here I am attempting to rush things along! Reality Check: I'm learning that the best course of action is to step back, actively listen, and respond to their needs accordingly. Thank you Dr Z for the insight!! 😊 #StillLearning

7:40 thats awesome your advice here is literally exactly what im currently doing wth my parents. slowly easing into the transition.

I am approaching my tipping point after 3 years of HRT and I am doing so with such absolute fear. Gender dysphoria is like a sword in my back as I walk the plank. Each step moves me forward with no chance of retreat. I hope the water isn't to cold...but I am actually excited to take the swim.

Spot on Dr. Z! Well said and my family and I are right on track. I’m getting a feeling of this from my youngest child. She seems a little more distant all of a sudden , when she was perfectly fine when I came out to her she was full of questions and excited about my coming out to her but now not so much. She does still talk to me it’s not like that we have a strong relationship but I can see she is making her decisions just based on body language. Ok thanks good talk

Sooo helpful. Thank you!

That's actually a very good advice, thanks.

Thank you that did help with how I should come out to my parents. I just hope they'll still love and accept me despite their transphobic beliefs (which I forgot to mention). Thanks again for all your expertise in this field. I enjoy every video I watch 😄

those are good observations. thank you for your thoughts.

your channel is a godsend..

The roller coaster ride of loved ones' acceptance can be very hurtful. Based on my experiences, a lot of loved ones' say that they accept what they see as "my choice" but only a few demonstrate true and ongoing acceptance. I think it almost always comes back to them because I've heard words along the lines of "why are you doing this to me?" far too many times. One of the best pieces of advice I got from my gender psychologist was that very few people will understand transgender and she was correct.

that explains the push back i recieved ,,, i was trying to change to quickly but i didnt know it ,,,,i guess i was just too excited to share myself

Hi Dr., how can we prevent feeling like we compromise our true self when trying to slowly transition for others to adjust? I am in very early transition and do wear women clothing outside but didn't buy a wig yet.

I've just reached the tipping point :) It feels amazing to see my true self :) Even before I came out as trans woman my presentation and body language were feminine. I think people almost expected me to come out even before I realized myself. Most of my friends are supportive but recently I've found it hard being around my straight cis male friends as I feel my true self is less tolerant of their overly masculine humor that unintentionally invalidates my identity as a woman. I only feel comfortable when talking to them one on one and get intimidated when they are together and I'm the only woman as they treat me as one of the guys even though I now pass well as a woman. My friends are not doing anything wrong but I feel much more at ease talking to woman, non binary people or men who present as effeminate. Am I alone in experiencing this or is this something that is common?

Yesterday I had a series of small meetings, with HR present, coming out to my coworkers. Everything seemed to go well. But I'm the type of person who second guesses everything So I have some doubts about how accepting some people might actually be. But over the past six to seven months I have been pushing the boundaries of my gender expression in how I present at work. I'm almost certain nobody was truly surprised when I announced that I was a trans woman already three months into transitioning and wanting to move into presenting full time. Your video has assured me that I was probably doing the best I could to minimize pushback later on in my transition and normalize the process of that transition. It's my mom, siblings and friends who I haven't seen for a year or so, except maybe over video chats, who might be in for the greatest shock and potentially the greatest pushback against the changes.

Hi Dr. Z. I’m in exactly that situation right now....I am VERY slowly pushing out the envelope. I’ve grown out my hair, I’m on hormones a few months(I’m 43) and I’m really trying to work on my voice and other more feminine appearance changes...I’m only just out at work but because i don’t very obviously present as female, practically no one is using correct pronouns. That then creates doubt and frustration. My appearance at home is more open and a family member is going through exactly as you described, it’s really difficult. I just hope I am not going to lose this person from my life. My approach from the start was to do things slowly. I wouldn’t have had the confidence anyway to present as female from the start and I admire anyone who does that. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am becoming the person i truly am and the person I want the world to see. If I can do that then everything else will fall into place eventually...thanks so much for your videos...I can’t believe how accurately relevant to my current situation your latest video is...love and thanks from Ireland...

I know I already commented on this, but I have become such a fan. If you were my kid, I would be proud of you. I think you seem so cool. I have several phd's, working on number six now. I wish u made more vids. dr. bill

Each time I watch your videos always reminded of the scene from big lebowski the zip line art scene. No idea why.

You are right on. It’s nice to hear the affirmation of what I am doing. First, I have been on HRT for several years and crossdressing with my wife and transfriends. Now I have let my hair grow out for over a year. And I upped my estrogen to 6.0 via patches. Getting my ears pierced seemed to be profound with those close to me, but I haven’t revealed my intentions. I just joke that I’m trying to get in touch with my feminine side and doing the things I didn’t have the courage for before I retired. I am dressing slightly androgynous. I have shaped my eyebrows. Next are longer nails, continued weight loss, allowing my boobs to show under T-shirts, larger earrings and more jewelry and face skin smoothing with foundation only. In five months I plan to be fully out and living 80F/20M and legally getting my male name feminized and new documents. Wish me luck.

Over this past week my relationship with the most supportive person in my family hit a bit of a brick wall because I went to a salon and got my nails done. After thinking for days about the personalities involved I think that it deserves to be said that sometimes people are willing to accept that I am a woman but they are not willing to accept the kind of woman I am and that can be a problem too.

New Subscriber Nice to meet you Thanks for the information

Please turn up the volume on your videos. I admit I’m hard of hearing but even with my volume turned up 100% I can barely hear what it said on this video I cannot hear at all. I do very much enjoy your videos they are so very informative. I would also like to ask you to please do some videos on how disabilities impact being transgender and particularly being blind. Again thank you so much for the work that you do!

I have come out to everyone. The hardest of them was my father. He told me a lot of horrible things. He said that he was disgusted of the way I look and everybody was laughing at him because they think that I am gay. He even said that he will disown me. That he will never see me as his daughter and that I am dead for him. I am in Belgium and he's in Romania. I was raised to believe that being a transgedender or any part of LGBT community is wrong. That I have a mental illness. So I tried to make my father proud. To be a tough man as he wanted me to be. But it didn't work out. I was never like this. I remember the times when I was praying to become a girl overnight when I was a child. I never had the courage to admit it to myself because I was living in fear. 26 years of my life, I was living in fear to be myself because I thought that people will see me as a monster. As something's wrong with me. But throughout my lifetime I realized that it's not like this. I learned that I am who I am. And I have the right to express my gender identity. I just hope that he will accept me. Because he was the one who stayed beside me throughout my childhood. I love him. And it hurts really bad to hear things like he told me.

My "coming-out" was presenting myself. But, the changes were in fact minimal at the beginning as I was already at the crossing of genders. It was not a surprise because quite everybody already knew. I let weeks and months to let the relatives transitionning. Today, there are only my wife and my mother who uses my birthname which is my 3rd given name. Regarding changes, my speech therapist, sing teacher, my fitness trainer and my daughter (all women) said that my overall figure is know thinner. I don't see so much.

I have been starting really slowly and feeling great about myself and easing myself and others into it. But I have gotten my grandparents telling me constantly not to transition. But when I came out they said they were supportive, so I have gone through this and is sucks.

I don't think I experienced this. Except my dad did freak out on me when I tried using makeup to create the illusion of facial hair in my early transition. I think he's still feeling iffy about my (now real) beard. He's "traditional" I guess, but not unkind. Anyhow, him aside, I did end up unintentionally doing a very slow transition. I first came out in 2009 (I was 20 years old at that time) and it wasn't until roughly 2014 that things finally started taking off. That's the year I had been on T long enough (about 2 years) to grow a beard, and it was the year I got my top surgery. I think I had my "tipping point" roughly around then too, or about a year later. So during those 5-ish years I was kinda stuck in that androgynous "awkward" phase. Though not for a lack of trying, though. I had trouble with the gender clinic I originally went to, and ended up changing to another clinic for a second opinion. Then it took a while for them to talk to each other about my case and, yeah. But the second clinic did take my case seriously though, thankfully. So it became a lot of unnecessary waiting, for 5 years. I experimented a little with black market testosterone during that time, just to survive my dysphoria, but only for about one year, before I decided it was too risky. So I got the deep voice already early on, but barely any other lasting changes, until I finally got prescribed testosterone by an endocrinologist in 2013. From then on I got progressively more masculine rather quickly. I was passing kinda 50-50 during that 5 year time period, and dressed rather androgynous most of the time. People around me liked that my transition was slow. Actually I think some of them liked it a bit too much, as in my mom still likes to remind me that she preferred the androgynous, hairless me and doesn't like my now more masculine presentation, since roughly 6-7 years ago. She is supportive of me transitioning though. Like she accepts it without understanding. My dad... I think he does too, but just shows his lack of understanding more clearly. And his shame. But he doesn't try to stop me or anything.

My parents reacted well, lovingly I was blessed. We were trying to figure out the paperwork in my country, while doing that they died of cancer. Within 2 months of each other. What is left says it's my fault and so do I . I blame myself the stress , maybe judgement ( they were christian). I keep kicking myself around.

I came out to my two lesbian friends there been very supportive

I’ve known for two years I wanted to transition, I always wanted to start being androgynous but was scared too I really wish I had started it earlier though

i am struggling here, I went to my mother and step fathers house for dinner the other day, and was caught off guard by my mum wanting to raise some concerns about my transition. There was the usual things which i expected like safety and potential harm from other people. This was easy enough but she seems to think that my transition is just for "superficial reasons" and my step dad thinks its "attention seeking" and also commented " You may look like a girl until you open your mouth". My mum sat there and let him say these horrible things. She also commented on a pair of white Dr marten style boots i saw and liked on a shopping trip and made out they were akin gary glitter boots and said that when she saw me looking at them, she thought "Here we fucking go" . Its like the whole thing to her is just a massive eye roll. The whole thing with the boots was completely over the top and just uncalled for and insulting. Why did she have to make these boots out to be something they are not? absolutely delsional. Surely she could have talked to me about more important things that a pair of boots she simply didn't like. She also commented on having breasts and said "i think you need to try on a bra and see what it is ACTUALLY like have breasts" She doesn't know that i have already done all this and have been doing this for 14 years! she has literrally not listened to a single word i have said about my difficulties with gender dysphoria and what i have been doing all this time to cope. She can only think of herself and her embarrassment to have a trans "son". Her attitude and delivery of her concerns were confrontational and made me feel like she was invalidating everything i was saying and making me feel like my transition was just for shallow reasons. I dont know how i kept so calm but explained again that i have been experincing symptomatic gender dysphoria for 14 years! and that it was not superficial. there was so many little digs to invalidate my identity and despite feeling like my mum and i came to some kind of understanding EVENTUALLY after she calmed it down a bit, i feel like all of this will be undone by my very transphobic step dad who is the most stubborn backwards prick i have ever met! The pair of them want me to transition in a way that doesn''t embarrass them. Like feminizing subtly is ok, but dr marten style boots is just one step too far..... i felt like saying "are you fucking serious!!!" its not about making them feel comfortable, its about transitioning to make myself feel comfortable in my body and have a shot at living as my authentic self and having the life i want for myself. I am so hurt by all of this and just dont know what to do anymore. I am literally at the end of my rope and just feel so defeated. I have had conversations with her since i started socially transitioning 6 months ago, she has nown about my gender issues for 10 years!! 10 fucking years!! She has had had conversation after conversation with me and has had plenty time to inform herself via online resources etc.. but still ....I feel like she has had a serious reality check and i am met with so much resistance, and all she can do is think of herself and how embarrasing its going to be for her. What about me? I have been strugging with this ALONE for years, and have finally had the courage to do something about it, and instead of support i am met with an overwhelming about of transphobia and negetivity. Yes i understand that a child transitioning is hard, but she could at least get off her arse and research this topic herself to inform herself better, rather than trying to force-feed me bullshit she knows nothing about that just makes her look like a transphobic twat. I have said to her over and over again that i am here to support her and answer any questions that she has and help us both get through this together. After most conversations over the last 6 months things have been moving in the right direction and then something like this happens... I'm just absolutely gobsmacked, caught off guard and just dont know how to feel and dont know how to think. She needs to accept i am transitioning wither she likes it or not and she is just gonna have to get on board and deal with it. her current attitude is not good for me or herself.

Yes that is how i want to start slow so people around me can slowly see changes over time as well as me so I can a just to the person I had always wanted to be and give me time to learn the ways to wear make up clothing the way i walk and even how i speak I'm go soon to my first appointment to see a doctor for HRT Tuesday morning I'm not sure if i should dress as a she her or to dress as he him i do have long nails bright orange just starting to let my hair grow i still look very much male but I always wanted to be female the thing is my job is hard as a man at times I know for sure its going to be even harder as a female their are women that do my trade and my boss and owner of the company i work for is female but being that I'm a carpenter and that i love what i do Mostly drywall it will be a hard change for me but i feel i can do this I'm not getting any young so now at 46 i really want to be the person i always felt i was on the inside

experienced this yesterday. one of my exes that i remained friends with because we knew each other since school. When i first came out she was really supporting me and i did have that ' this is too good to be true moment' cos everyone around me was also supporting me. Turns out she had hoped of us getting back together and starting a family, but with me already a year and a half on hormones , the doctors dont think my sperm will be strong enough to make a baby. Not that i want a baby tbh but my ex thought different and never told me and now she feels ive cheated her out of a baby that we could of had.

I don’t know how I would do this with my parents since I live with my uncle and my uncle is starting to see that something is changing and he doesn’t really know. I hope they would be supportive and not disowned me and look down on me.

I have a question…. I am struggling with transitioning socially as far as it concerning my pronouns and my name. I haven’t gotten to the point of processing the legal papers to changing my name legally. So I am finding myself constantly “code switching” when it comes to my name. For example: when I am on the phone with doctors or when I am advocating for my autistic brother talking to his doctors and what not I find myself using she/her pronouns and using my legal name. And the back and forth is driving me insane! Smh I want to know if I should just go ahead and let my doctors and my brothers doctors know that I am transgendered and that my name is TY now and my pronouns are he/him/his? Or should I keep using my legal name and old pronouns for important matters and my new name and pronouns for personal matters until I can get my name changed? Idk what to do.

i need to start yet transition.., but i feel i like to take it slowly .., i have problem that i dont want to come out to my friends and family.. they would be confused and they would never accept, i need to figure this out, how will i menage anything..

My family is excepting ,now they are acting like it is not moving along fast enough to make them happy. Because it is a struggle to try to remember ,if they don’t see anything happening. What about that point. I can see not excepting if it moves to fast but to slow?

How do I slowly push my self image to being more trans-feminine.

First of all, I love your videos. Your eyeglasses are silly, but frame you face well. Str8 dad of mtf. So what is it with the black fingernails? My wife of 30+ years started doing that. I like bright red lipstick and finger nails Is it to be different? serious question, would like feedback. Dr. Bill

I do not think most people who support binary trans people are going to be more likely to accept them in an androgynous gender presentation. I do not think it is constructive to delay transition even more just to not lose the support of others. If they're not going to be supportive they're just not, it's not our fault for "not transitioning correctly". The way you make transphobia in others the responsibility of trans people is destructive and kind of transphobic actually now when I think about it. Also please don't say "we" when talking about trans people, that sounds like you're including yourself, and if you're not a trans person that's just confusing for everyone.

For real? Are you wearing a disguise?