Projection is denying one’s own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them-often in an accusing way-to someone else. In our interview with Elyce M. Benham, MS, she explained that projection is like gazing at yourself in a hand-held mirror. When you think you look ugly, you turn the mirror around. Voila! Now the homely face in the mirror belongs to somebody else.
Understanding Projection
Sometimes the projection is an exaggeration of something that has a basis in reality. For example, the borderline may accuse you of “hating” them when you just feel irritated. Sometimes the projection may come entirely from their imagination. For example, they accuse you of flirting with a salesclerk when you were just asking for directions to the shoe department.
The BPs unconscious hope is that by projecting this unpleasant stuff onto another person-by tagging someone else and making them “it”-the person with BPD will feel better about themselves. And they do feel better, for a little while. But the pain comes back. So the game is played again and again.
Projection’s Other Purpose: Redirection
Projection also has another purpose: your loved one unconsciously fears that if you find out they’re not perfect, you will abandon them. Like in the Wizard of Oz, they live in constant terror that you’ll discover the person behind the curtain. Projecting the negative traits and feelings onto you is a
way to keep the curtain closed and redirect your attention to the perfect
image they’ve tried to create for themselves.
Your task is to examine what the person with BPD is saying and
determine whether they have an accurate point. Remember, not everything
is projection. But if the borderline is projecting, you need to stop playing
the game and decline to be “it” in a respectful way.
How the Game Is Played
When someone with BPD tags you, they’re unconsciously trying to
transfer their own behaviors, feelings, or perceived traits onto you. When
projecting their traits onto you, the person with BPD thinks they’re
defective, so they accuse you of having something wrong with you.
Sometimes the flaw they see in others is the identical flaw they fail to see in
themselves. Sometimes it’s not.