Most people find it hard to understand BPD behavior because they assume that people with BPD think and feel the way they do. It’s an understandable mistake. High-functioning borderlines can act quite normal when their BPD behaviors are not being triggered. They don’t look or sound like they have a disorder. To understand borderline behavior, you have to leave your own world and journey into theirs. And you should, since you’re asking the BP in your life to come into yours. As you read, keep in mind that these behaviors are usually unconscious. They are designed to shield the person with BPD from intense emotional pain-not to hurt you.
Common BP Thinking
When you travel to another country, it’s important to know the local
customs. When you’re interacting with someone with BPD, it’s crucial to
understand that their unconscious assumptions may be very different from yours. They may include:
I must be loved by all the important people in my life at all times or
else I am worthless. I must be completely competent in all ways to be a
worthwhile person.
Some people are good and everything about them is perfect. Other
people are thoroughly bad and should be blamed and punished for it.
My feelings are caused by external events. I have no control over my
emotions or the things I do in reaction to them.
Nobody cares about me as much as I care about them, so I lose
everyone I care about-despite the desperate things I do to stop them
from leaving me. If someone treats me badly, then I become bad.
When I am alone, I become nobody and nothing. I will be happy only when I can find an all-giving, perfect person to love me and take care of me no matter what. But if someone close to this loves me, then something must be wrong with them. I can’t stand the frustration that I feel when I need something from someone and I can’t get it. I’ve got to do something to make it go away.
In general, emotionally healthy people base their feelings on facts. If
your dad came home drunk every night (fact), you might feel worried or
concerned (feeling). If your boss complimented you on a big project (fact),
you would feel proud and happy (feeling).
People with BPD, however, may do the opposite. When their feelings
don’t fit the facts, they may unconsciously revise the facts to fit their
feelings. This may be one reason why their perception of events is different
from yours.