Not really. You can figure out that person doesn’t let you know what the problem is. Then you know they are trying to make emotional off loading to you. Easy.

And sometimes people don't really know that they are manipulative too, having parents that was somewhat manipulative I really feel that they don't believe that they are in the wrong, and so when searching for that justification they naturally redirect the blow to others, it's a sincere belief that they are innocent that lead to them blaming others, because more or less they are concerned about who's being responsible, so someone must bear the blame. And from that I do sometimes found myself acting the same way, like I do believe my own innocence when arguing, but something my gut feeling tells me what I just said is wrong and manipulative.

@@LOADING...o.o.o No, they are right. *Sometimes* you just can't know if you don't have enough resources

Yeah exactly

yer

It bothers me whenever someone manipulative doesn't get that the entire purpose behind the relationship is a mutual connection and sharing care.

@@voices4dayz469 they completely get it, they just want to freeload so they get all benefit at no cost. They act like they don’t get it so you are inclined to write them off as ignorant and not malicious. Hanlon’s razor.

If people will not take responsibility to me that is a narc sign. Effem.

That hit me. Thank you.

@@voices4dayz469 Manipulative people can change. I have a first hand experience, I was the one! I simply couldn't control myself and this manipulation program was invoked in me every time the conditions were right, and from my experience it is almost an automatic behavior. I realized it, unfortunately it took good relationships to fall apart, but eventually I learned how to speak, how to deal with my anger and bad feelings without attempts to punish everyone around for it. So, it's not hopeless.

Exactly.

I understand where your coming from and your not obligated to deal with them. But it’s important to remember that these people are really suffering and have never been taught how to process their horrible experiences. I grew up around manipulators and became one for a while, until my current boyfriend. He helped me see what I was doing and I didn’t even realize the affects I was having on the people around me because I was so consumed by anger and fear. Thank god for this channel and for compassionate people in my life. Not everyone is willing to change but my advice would be to try to show compassion and set healthy boundaries.

Hurt people should do their work.

Facts the shit is irritating.

Then you can absolutely feel free to cut them out of your life! The premise of this video was not that you have any sort of obligation to help them. The premise is that sometimes people do want to stay and help. If you want to stay and help, this is the sort of information you'll need to have a shot at success. If you don't want to stay and help (which is fine!), then you can disregard this entire video. You're not the target audience.

I was prompted to watch the vid because my mom does the same crap too. In my experience tho, I’ve found that the people they cry wolf to basically can see through their alligator tears for the most part. I think it’s because of the way they tell their story. It comes across being so inauthentic where others silently pick up on it, and then keep that person at arms length. Nonetheless, it still doesn’t takeaway from how utterly draining the whole shit show is.

​@KZfaq Guy Maybe you can buy the room darkening window film. Or board up your window with cardboard and thumbtacks. If she allows you to use thumbtacks for hanging things on your walls, you can use thumbtacks to block out your window. Please don't allow her to keep abusing you. This kind of abuse can cause immune disorders that make your life hell. So on top of your mother's bs you will also have to deal with being sick and in pain constantly.

​@KZfaq Guy Please do what you can to protect yourself.

This is exactly my mother, father, and brother. My mother can't even show up to family therapy and forget about my father. I tell her something hurts...she hurts me more. I stopped talking to my brother who is a domestic abuser 15 months ago b/c the trauma-informed therapy program I am in knows well what I deal with and the harm in how they undo all the hard work. My mother then projects and hurts me. I don't understand how a mother can't love her child..yet loves the abusive coke-addict son. (same type of guys I once dated where she stopped talking to me). The hiding, lies, and denying is soul crushing. She once even threatened to have my brother drag me out of her car...wanting violence on her own daughter who already dealt with multiple violent abusive acts & trying to heal from it. It hurts because my maternal grandparents raised me and loved me, even in my faults...And they also had to defend & protect me a lot against all 3. It hurts not having an honest, healthy family. I have none.

Chuck her in the looney bin! Hahahaha

Im autistic aswell but i do notice, but i can dodge it often aswell ^^

I’m also on the spectrum and I definitely only have fought my mom’s manipulation for the last decade because of my disconnect. It still fucks with my self worth and such, but she’s never been able to successfully use me to process her emotions lol.

Super power 😂

I'm autistic but I am very bothered by it. Might be because of trauma though, you'd have to be raised in a better enviroment.

"I'm too autistic to be emotionally manipulated" is such a metal quote i can't believe I found it in a random comment section

This too

Truueee like damnnn

In my experience, crying is a very powerfull tool for inducing guilt, I just find this one the worse to try and resist.

It's the one being abused that cries more. Prodded. Reactive abuse. It's only some people that cry manipulatively. Please correct your stance

Crying is a tactic too but he used a few examples

I agree. I was with a cheater who said it was my fault and I would cry when he would get distant and cold and ignore me. He would say I was manipulative for crying and not respecting his boundaries. Because I was upset he’d cheat and he would stop responding to me.

So true

The manipulator who cries sheds no tears. They screw up their faces to look like they're crying but it's all an act.

@@halloweendancing classic your tears violated his boundaries. It is sad they will never know the true emotions behind our tears, more sad is that they will never feel those feelings.

The key difference. Is thatnyou communicated what you want & how feel. He was manipulating you. In this video hes talking about someone who weaponizes their tears with 0 communication. They're not hurt at all. They just want avoid accountability by crying when they are being addressed. They use crying as a deflection & a way to move the goal post. Kinda like what you're going through but in the reverse.

how are you now?

I hope you’re doing okay now!

My ex was exactly like this. Unbelievably controlling. He broke me as a person. I used to be a stable normal person who could handle stress and I was highly motivated. I’d suggest that if you’re living with someone like this and you keep asking them for what you need abs they keep NOT changing their ways, pleaseeeee get out !!! Do NOT tell them you are leaving or it will get way worse. Force yourself to take secret steps to leave. Lie if you have to about taking a trip to a relative or something and then just keep making up excuses why you can’t come home until you’re settled in your new place and only then can you tell them you aren’t leaving. lol

Good for you. Recognizing there is no way to fix a relationship with someone who thinks there is nothing wrong with them is freedom. You can just walk away.

With spouses like that you don't need enemies!

Sorry you had to go through that :/ from a place of empathy, I'm still dealing with my mom's emotional manipulation to this day I can tell you what I would want from her: when she's mad and hurt so she's lashing out, I wish she'd take a second to figure out what she's actually feeling and what's actually hurting her (and maybe even say it out loud) I know you never want to hurt the people around you, so if you can recognize when your mind is there you'll go a long way towards reducing that I appreciate you even acknowledging that you might have something to work on - doing better than most of us

This is a little bit different from someone who tries to hurt other s and control things for their own gain. You might have it out of a self preservation mechanism.

The first step of healing is acceptance. Youre already doing 100x better than most people :)

Acknowledging the situation & taking steps to change go a long way. Having been with someone with this behavior who refuses to admit anything is wrong or that he needs help is crushing. I had to figure out that I could ever make him happy & walk away, because it was literally killing me. It manifested physically & despite a very serious diagnosis, our life was still all about him, his feelings, how he’s the victim. The steps you are taking are turning toward your partner and repair. That makes all the difference in the world. I wish you & your spouse every happiness. It sounds like you have a good partner.

​@@gomes7066 I agree ❤

This is the one

Break up with her, its for your own best.

You guys need more positive usernames

@@TheAngryDoctor92 No. We should continue this trend.

I recently broke up with my girlfriend after 3 1/2 years. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done because you just want a relationship where both people build each other up instead of the other person tearing you down. You’re not alone dude. Whatever you decide, I hope you find things in life that make you happier.

I'm in kind of the same situation. 5 years on, and we're heading towards a break(she's moving out in July). I've chosen to remain single for a while after

this is my exact experience with my dad. constant deflection of emotions, so much rage

Poor guy imagine living in his head lol just constant panic

Yeah, the crying part can be replaced with angry bursts and it works for both genders.

this, I feel so seen

If ur able to be more emotionally mature than them, at least that means you're not turning into them.

Yeah they often don't want to admit or recognize that they have a problem. They often will say that that kind of dynamics is 'normal'.

+1 Life is already complicated enough! Besides, I can't imagine a dumpster, that argued me not to trow my garbage in it! 😆

yup. specially if the person is emotionally manipulative and in denial of their problems/refuses to seek professional help

@@minnkhant7845 Yup! you'll get the classic "This is just who I am".

@@Smashologist or “I will not be muzzled” 😂

Thanks for sharing this

Yes!

I was genuinely able to relate to your answer. I really don't know most of the time if I am being manipulated or not not, but there are people around me( not family) to whom I would never want to share my experiences and I am deadly afraid to share my emotions with them but somehow I end up questioning if I am the problem and doing what they want me to do. I have never reached a definitive answer of my questioning myself but I do know one thing - I never get angry towards them, feel a ton of guilt and anxiety when I even think about them. The confusion that I am suffering from is due to lack of self awareness and lack of ability to discern the situation but I do know that strong negative emotions are present. So would you like to share some situations where you realised that you are being manipulated so that I can have some awareness if something similar happens to me.

channels not even 5 years old haha

SO glad to hear this is helping. Best of luck on your journy of self growth and healing! 🥰

I wish i could have discovered the channel 1 year back than i could get my crush doesnt feel uncomfortable while talking to me i had zero knowledge about how to talk bilkul chutiya aadmi ki tarah baat krke saare raaste block kr diye 😢

@@johnpulawski35 not the point

How do you write with popcorn 🙃?

@@ajthevillageidiot by smearing cheese/glaze/oil all over it

@@ajthevillageidiot You win!

@@ajthevillageidiot I’m trying to figure out how long to put the notebook in the microwave

Got the weighted blanket and hot chocolate 🤞 I am READY

This was basically my entire life, ive had a narcissistic and emotionally unstable parent it was basically this game of chicken every single day nonstop. I would also say one thing, docter K makes a mistake in my opinion. He talks of a person who offloads their emotions but mostly as it inspiring guilt in you. And that there is a reasonable path to take but sometimes there just aren't one at all. With the person in my life trying that would lead to disaster because instead you would be blamed harder and harder and put under more and more stress instead. Admitting fault meant taking responsibility until every little thing i did was wrong and there was no ceiling for how far it could go. However admitting no fault was just as disastrous, the only thing i could do was take some responsibility and as soon as it kinda went "phase two" do the grey rock or deny responsibility in a somewhat apathetic way. Of course sometimes the person would blow up no matter what so there is that. Its just, sometimes there is no middle way and you just have to get out. On the contrary remember that if you feel hurt about something its not manipulative to talk with someone about that emotion even if they cant fix your issue, you might make them sad but you aren't offloading responsibility onto them as much, thats just talking to a friend about a problem and thats okay.

I’m so sorry! 😢 I’m going on year 6 of no contact with my ex best friend. It’s SO hard & heartbreaking. But you gotta do what’s best for you, unhealthy relationships will absolutely drain the life out of you. You got this! 💪🏼

A fixer and an emotional manipulator fall in love, you'll never guess what happens next!

I'm not sure that being a 'fixer' is inherently manipulative. I've definitely realized that it can be controlling or inconsiderate, but I think the manipulation part is only a potential aspect. There's a lot of ways to go about trying to fix a relationship or partner and they all have thier roots in trauma, and also are doomed to failure... sigh

how is being a 'fixer' a form of manipulation? It's pretty much recognised to be a result of trauma.

@@richardmccabe2392 As is, if you paid attention to the video, emotional manipulation. Also a result of trauma.

​@richardmccabe2392 you're regulating your self worth through the reaction of a person outside of yourself. You're essentially trying to control them. You wanting to help may be genuine but at the end of the day if you are a boundaried individual you have to realize what is and what is not your responsibility

That is not a stoic person, that's 100% a soziopath. Stoicism has nothing to do with manipulating and gaslighting.

more like a machiavellian masquerading as a stoic. stoicism isn't about a chill unflappable facade and (acting/behaving like) not giving a fuck, it's about honestly acknowledging how one feels without letting emotional impulses have free reign over decision making and actions. stoics will ask themselves: "was my decision more intelligent, fair, courageous, and with an honest will to act and see something through, or was it rather more stupid, unfair, cowardly, and lazy?" then assess and do better :)

Yep. It’s learned and passed down. If faulty behavior is all that is modeled to you, you will be oblivious to that faulty behavior until you’re somehow made aware. Even then, sometimes people are made aware and because of emotional raw spots they will disregard it -for some sort of self preservation.

Yes, that is absolutely a form of manipulation as well a being more overtly abusive. It's a way to deflect accountability and the feeling of shame that you bring up about something they did that upset you. It's all about flipping the blame and focus of the conversation back onto you. If he's behaving like this regularly, he's effectively showing you that he doesn't value your feelings or needs in the relationship.

@@Xenthosis317 thanks for your response, he is definitely lacking some emotional maturity but I'm undecided yet on how bad the problem is. He doesn't do it with everything, and it's not like he never apologizes for anything, but when it does happen it really shuts things down.

Sometimes people use the word "crying" as a rude euphemism for "emotionally acting out"

Yes, in fact, when my ex friend did this to me (what he describes as transfer of negative emotions = projective identification) *I* was the one who wanted to cry. Their are many, many ways to manipulate emotionally, including the angry freak out followed by playing the victim. And look: it gets him exactly what he's after: not having to communicate about a problem for which he will be expected to take at least partial responsibility. Like Gamer says, he isn't going to change if you keep rewarding the behaviour. And even if you start standing your ground, he might not be able to change. One suggestion from the video you might try is when he's insisting that you don't understand him, ask him if he could *calmly* explain himself to help you understand. And I suggest, stop letting him off the hook and ask yourself what impact these behaviors might have on you. Are you being trained to be his Mommy? Conditioned to never want to speak up for yourself? Good luck, hope it works out, but keep an eye on your own wellness and energy levels.

This is textbook abuser behavior. You can learn more in Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why Does He Do That?”

College roommates are the worst for this kind of stuff. In college now and it’s gotten to the point that I’m just going to get a single room from now on because it’s really not something you want to be dealing with on top of the courseload.

Dude fr fr. I support the single college apt life, but I will say it had me mega depressed when one bad roommate dropped mid-term leaving me by myself for a semester. It mostly came down to me not being prepared, but ya know, you live and you learn. Good luck with the grind mate

sorry you had to deal with that. i was always afraid i'd come home to find them dead from an intentional drug overdose or hanging from the balcony. it's such a twisted knife. hope you're doing better now.

@@moom81 thank you, i hope you're doing better too. that type of emotional turmoil is so damaging. i'm definitely doing better because i'm no longer living in active crisis, but it clearly has ruined my ability to be close to others and i have no desire to ever have another relationship. i'm just trying to remember what it's like to put my energy into caring for myself.

​@@HugeEgoSorry1032 he was never gonna kill himself. My Netherlands threatened suicide so many times I just ignored it. One time my dad even said.. go ahead put us and you out of misery 😂 My ex is looking for his fix, I can feel it coming but the kids (teens) are onto him and know when he won't get the supply , he'll up the drama so be prepared for all kinds of scary threats. These people think too highly of themselves to actually off themselves

@@jenster29 except there will be people who will go through with it. All I can say is you have to be very certain they never intend to. It’s not really right to shame someone into changing. It’s like what Dr. K said here that you’ll be reinforcing the behavior. I can already tell by the way you write you have no love for the person, as shitty as they are. That’s definitely your prerogative but shaming someone is a form of manipulation too.

Excellent visual. So true.

There should be a course required for all high school students that features at least several of Dr Ks videos

OMG I jus realized that's what my boyfriend is trying to do that

My ex was like that. Didn't backed down until I apologized. Few times I had enough they would come talk to me like nothing happened, no apologies (I always apologised for my mistakes), nothing. This broke my spirit over time...

hard to say tbh. id say its probably situational and depends on where ur partner is on the emotionally manipulative spectrum. like how bad/frequent/severe it is. i had a partner in the past (w bpd, and i also have bpd so this really isnt about that. but he always used his bpd as a shield for his actions instead of just an explanation and learning and growing) but he was so aware of how emotionally manipulative he could be (we both were, we talked about it a lot and he would pretend and promise to make changes that would ofc never happen) and i think that's a red flag to leave. if the person has no idea and isnt doing it on purpose, i can see wanting to try and work it out. just about 3 years i wasted on that man.

Right ON!

No! They are human beings. Watch Dr K on red flags. What we do in today's world is we treat each others as products -> It's faulty, so I will go grab another one. Don't treat people like that, please. They may be good folks and usually are, with badly stuck thinking and behavioral patterns. Don't throw away people easily.

You are right! Like the self-fulfilling prophecy kinda thing? I do acknowledge it in myself - the deep fears filling up my head and then I am picking on small things because I want to desperately protect myself, and am taking the small issues as a PROOF that they will hurt me in the future. And then they ofc get fed up with my BS and bang.... :))

Underrated

Haha had a similar experience, once i started to realize and become aware of the problems that it wasnt solely on me they bailed out. Cheers, we werent becoming susceptible to their manipulation anymore.

@@semekiizuio nah fr bro they see that you can't be manipulated anymore so drop you before you drop them 😂 I just hope they get the help they need to be better and find genuine happiness. Repeating cycles can't be any fun when happiness is a constant disappointment for them because it's an illusion since they can never show up authentically and have to play people. Glad to hear you're out of it too!

Did we date the same person? Lmfao.

This is called narcissistic women

@@cdorothy444 that term is thrown around a lot inaccurately. There can be narcissistic traits perhaps from other mental health conditions. NPD is a personality disorder that has many traits and facets as well as being a disorder itself. People without mental health disorders can be emotionally manipulative. Let's not generalise or demonise.

I think the best thing you could do is ask yourself if you are capable of taking on constructive criticism when it's being brought you fairly. Assuming the other person isn't being overbearing, domineering, or abusive in their criticism, you should be capable finding ways to handle the feeling of guilt and use that to motivate you to work together on resolving the issue.

I think it takes A LOT of self-reflection... Of course first you notice that there is some kinda pattern in your life... Which is causing you a lot of pain. If you are not a total a**, you will wonder if that perhaps could be you in a way, because it seems quite unlikely that the entire world would be against you, right :)) Again - A LOT of self-reflection and A LOT of time! Supporting environment helps - ofc therapy, friends etc. But be mindful of WHAT kind of friends. Because many times they think SUPPORT means blindly VALIDATING your perspective. Which could be harmful - as it does keep you stuck in the dark. We want friends that love us dearly, remind us that we are still good humans, but challenge our stubborn heads :)) The self-realisation comes and goes in waves - sometimes you see it. Then sometimes your self-protective coping mechanisms kick in and you logic all those things as - how can I be XYZ when THEY are the ones doing that?! ... Well, eventually it clicks in and you start understanding yourself and WHY you do it. and WHAT to do about it. Still being torn between those two states of mind. But once you see it, it is not lost. It keeps coming back to you. And revealing more and more clarity. Bit by bit. And eventually the scales shift and you become aware of it most of the time:) (I am not saying I am done with it and am "perfect" and "healed" lol, it all is a process, right?)

It's normal for many people to need to cry first before they can verbally process through emotions. What you can do with people you see regularly is tell them in advance how you want to be treated if you start crying. Something like: "Hey, next time I have a reaction to something and start crying, you don't need to try to stop it, please just " I don't know what you want that to be, but here's a couple options I've seen work for other people: - "please just hold me while I feel the feelings. You don't need to panic or do anything else. After a few minutes I'll calm down and be able to talk about it" - "please let me go find a space to be alone to cry it out. You don't need to panic, it's just how I work. Then I'll come find you to talk about it." Then after you've cried for a few minutes, remind yourself that you are safe and do some grounding exercises (you can look them up) to help remind your body that it is safe. Then it should be easier to calmy communicate about the issue.

😂😂😂👍😘👑

Na that's what manipulators want ......don't let someone else ruin you're career

That is so amazing, I hope you are proud of yourself! I also think it is human to sometimes just be upset - as long as you are able to communicate it afterwards, take accountability and come up with solutions. We are not machines and of course when we get for example some weird news, it will make us emotional and the logic is not there yet :D Once we go through the initial wave of emotions, then we take the steps necessary. And by practicing this I hope the time for us to process the first emotional hit gets shorter and shorter :)) But I don't know, maybe this is just me.

But this way do you learn how to deal with it? Or is it possible to deal with it at all? Asking for a friend :p

@@yuomovaeh3028 There is no dealing with it. They will always try to find a way to control you - and, honestly, there's no reason to deal with it. Sometimes the strongest thing you can do is walk away.

I relate to this situation, kinda same happened to me. I just mentioned certain things in her attitude that made me upset and disrespected and she just called me pathetic and embarrassing. Then gave me ultimatum if I didn't respond accordingly she would cut me off for life, naturally I didn't give in and it's been a month no word from her, blocked me on every social media i could reach her

@@daviti4611 I admire how you opened yourself up to her by addressing certain patterns in her behavior that made you feel upset and disrespected. You made yourself vulnerable and expressed yourself. It's sad that someone who claims to love you, can be so disregarding of your feelings. Good for you for not giving into her ultimatum and therefore reassuring and endorsing that kind of manipulative behavior.

@@1337Kryptiiq thanks brother, we gonna make it 💪

Thank you for sharing

Be careful with the caving in. She will start to lose respect for you, and even resent you for it. I know. It’s awful. I’m just trying to warn you. At first reading your story I wondered if you might have inadvertently been upset with her for getting hurt, but I do see how later she’s not working with you in amending the situation. She’s holding it over you. You’re clearly trying to make things work. She may even be resentful of you trying to be the good guy when she sees herself as the victim. Unfortunately you kind of forfeited your position when you apologized so much. But I also realize you rather not fight. Please look into manufacturing your own peace while not cutting yourself down by cowering to something that is not yours. Is there a way to allow her to marinate in her victimhood without affirming her but also without shaming her for it? (Not saying you are shaming her, but saying that’s often the reason why people hold onto that victim card so much- because they don’t want to get rid of the benefits it provides them.). Think about how she benefits when you cave. (She gets to be right, and you’re in the wrong). What is she getting out of it? (Esteem, comfort-at your expense tho! Not ok!). That’s a clue into how to handle her in these situations. Then come up with a way to provide that for her without failing yourself by caving. Can you give her esteem and comfort without apologizing or agreeing cowering to accepting you’re the bad guy? The hard part is not becoming manipulative yourself or disgruntled by doing the extra work here. Because honestly, it might take awhile for it to dawn on her, see her behavior and seek to change it. She may not. And honestly if you don’t want to, you don’t have to do this if you so choose….but there is something cool in overcoming a challenge and helping someone transform for the better. If it doesn’t work, you TRIED. But please do make sure you aren’t caving on yourself. Forfeiting your own self respect is going to ultimately fail you. Go quiet if you need to. What is it specifically you’re afraid of losing when you decide to cave? What are you saying to yourself that is much better to not lose but your self respect is? Practice that boundary with quiet assured ness. Best wishes.

That analogy of a sinking boat is eerily how I described a friendship where more or less the same thing happened. I expressed a boundary, it was repeatedly crossed, finally i make a long-winded callout and exactly as you, i got stonewalled and treated like I was being an asshole for having a boundary, which turned into this weird year-long "fix" that i took too much responsibility for that eventually drove me up a wall. I'm thankful for information like this being out there.

Moose, goose, loose. Loosey goosey. When you lose something then it becomes lost (loost isn't a word). Pick one, or use all three, to remember the difference between loose and lose.

@@sallyjrwjrw6766- reading comments can sometimes give me despair. It’s obvious that people don’t read books anymore.

As for becoming emotional manipulative, it’s likely a learned behavior. If not, then it was reinforced by someone so you subconsciously developed it into getting what you ultimately wanted.

@francestaylor9156 IDK about learned behavior. Emotional manipulation comes just as easily as lying, even children do it. The problem is being on the receiving end.

This is rly familiar. I know people that jump to conclusions - attacking that conclusion and you’re left thinking: but wait, I didn’t say anything like that in the first place! What might help is to repeat how you feel -> they cannot tell you how you feel. They might not acknowledge your feelings, but at least you can know that you stayed with your feelings and that they matter ❤

As long as both of you are working to be good for each other. When one or both people have given up then it's time to end it.

You're not a monster. You've been treated like that way too often, so your brain learned that that's how to treat others. It takes time to navigate this, and as long as you keep trying to notice it, and stop the behaviour, in time you will get better at it. Nobody is perfect, but you are doing what you can to be a better person. If you feel like you're not progressing (fast enough), it might be worth talking to someone about that, either a trusted friend that you know won't assure you with fake positivity, or a therapist or coach. Wish you the best of luck on your journey!

Learn to be emotional mature, when you feel a negative emotion sit on it by yourself and try to understand why you are feeling that way, what triggered. Pratice on catching it when it starts to rise up inside in you and keep calm. Its hard hahah ive been doing this myself to try not to internalize other peoples emotions/problems/projections

Emotional stuff has a lot of nuance to it. I don't think anyone has a perfect guide that will work in every situation. About "making" people feel things though, that's a tricky one. People like to say others can't "make" us feel something, but they absolutely can, especially if we don't have rock solid boundaries, or have any kind of trauma or other mental/emotional issues already. Even if you have plenty of self confidence and can shrug off comments from a stranger or a rude person at work, people who we love are already under our skin and we have reason to care how they feel. We absolutely do need to take responsibility for the effects of our actions on the people around us, and actions stemming from our emotions are still actions. Others are responsible for their actions in response to us - hitting us because we "made" them feel something isn't ok. But if someone's crying or yelling or throwing a tantrum every other day, we are *going* to be affected emotionally and probably feel bad. This is (part of) why we are responsible for managing our emotions and not making other people manage them for us. In the video, he talked about someone crying and dumping all their emotions on someone else (eg, not stepping away or taking a break, just crying/yelling/etc until they've offloaded everything onto the other person, who in turn has to hold their emotions back or the first person will escalate their reaction more, and it often doesn't stop until the manipulator gets their way). As someone who cries easily, I've talked to my partner quite a bit about how I would prefer him to ignore it in an argument unless I verbally ask for comfort or to take a break, because I don't want him to back down or just do what I want for the sole reason that my eyes are leaking water and I can't stop them. I calm myself down as much as I can, and say if I need to step away. He can also step away if he needs to. However, I've known people who just get upset and cry and will not stop until they get their way, but also won't step back or take any steps to manage their emotions or reactions, they 100% expect their partner to make them feel better, regardless of the situation - and the partner is left to try to remain stable and deflect it as much as they can (and end up absorbing a lot of it, because they love the person and care that they're upset or hurting, and it's hard to completely deflect that even if you have incredible self-possession, it's very tiring work). This happens even if the conversation started because their partner was hurt by something *they* (the manipulator) did! Then they get all the reassurance (to calm them down) and get told it's all fine, and the person who was actually hurt gets no support and learns that talking about things is all additional pain and no gain, because after all that work the emotionally manipulative person feels better now, so as far as they're concerned the problem was fixed - even though the problem was their behaviour and that was never properly addressed, and the injured party never got much of a chance to even *express* their own emotions, much less be comforted. We can and should get support from our loved ones, but there's a difference between someone giving us a hand to help you up after you stumble, and them picking us up and carrying us all the way up the mountain themselves for no reason other than the fact that it sounds hard and we don't want to, and if they loved us they would do it. (Especially because in most of these cases, the other person never gets their turn to be carried up the mountain; they rarely even get a hand up when they stumble, though the emotionally manipulative person will say over and over they want to give support, but when it comes down to it their emotions always come first). Sorry that got so long, I've been working to understand this stuff myself for a while now so I have a lot of thoughts. (And I tend to overexplain!) I don't know if any of that helps you at all, I hope so.

@@TesriaT Thank you very much for your explanation! I think it definitely helped ^^

sameee