Two Russians are in line for bread in Moscow. One says, "We've been here for three hours! I can't take it anymore! I'm going to go kill Khrushchev!" and leaves. After a short while, he comes back, so his friend asks, "What happened?" "The line there is even longer!"

An American, a Russian, and a Chinese are in a car. They stop to a intersection to discuss which way to go. The American said “I like capitalism, so let's turn right”. The Russian said “I like communism, so let's turn left”. And the Chinese said “I don’t like either, so let’s signal left and turn right”.

Stalin is sitting in his office signing papers, when suddenly his assistant bursts through the door “Comrade Stalin! A man just came in, he claims to be clairvoyant! He says he can see the future!” Without missing a beat Stalin responds: “send him to the gulag, if he really can see the future he wouldn’t have come here”

Reagan and Gorbachev made a bet about whose country has more drunks. Reagan is first to visit USSR. Of course, he sees drunkards all over the place - in the airport, on the streets, in restaurants, etc. Then it's Gorbachev turn. He flies into Washington. Reagan greets him on the tarmac, hands him a Colt and says: If you see any drunks on the street, you can just shoot them, no questions asked. After it gets dark, Gorbachev goes on the prowl in Washington D.C. Sure enough, after a short while he sees a man stumbling around. Bang! Shoots him dead. A few minutes later he sees another man who can't even walk being propped-up by his two very drunk buddies. Bang, bang, bang! Shoots all three. This goes on until Gorbachev is out of ammo. Satisfied, he returns back to his hotel and goes to sleep. In the morning, he is served breakfast with the morning copy of Washington Post. Top headline reads: Last night, an unidentified, bald-headed terrorist shot half the staff of the Soviet Embassy.

Q: How do you double the value of a Soviet automobile? A: Fill up the tank.

Glad to see the comments section has turned into a Soviet joke generator.

Comrade Khrushchev visited a collective farm that raises pigs. Reporters took pictures for Pravda for an article. After writing up the article and placing the picture on the page, the editors aren't sure how to caption the photograph. The ideas thrown around are: "Comrade Khrushchev among pigs", "Pigs and Khrushchev", and so on. Finally, after much deliberation, the article makes it to the press. The photograph is captioned: "Comrade Khrushchev is third one from the right".

Napoleon and one of his top generals are watching a Soviet military parade. Napoleon is glancing at a Russian newspaper. The general says to Napoleon "If we had soldiers like those we would have won Waterloo!", later the general says "If we had guns like those we would have easily defeated Wellington!", then the general says "If we had those tanks instead of horses, we could have crushed the British!". Napoleon looks up from the newspaper and says "If we had a newspaper like this, no-one would know that we lost the battle".

In Soviet Russia we had 2 TV stations. Station 1 was government propaganda, Station 2 was man from KGB say, 'Turn television to Channel 1."

"watcha doin, comrades?" "we're demolishing the brick factory" "but we need bricks!" "that's why we're demolishing it"

I like this one: Early in the morning Brezhnev looked at the sky and smiled to the sun. Suddenly the Sun said, "Good morning, dear Leonid Ilyich." Amazed and happy, Brezhnev told the Politburo members that even the sun knew him and greeted him personally. The Politburo men were skeptical but kept their doubts for themselves. Toward the evening, Brezhnev said to them, "I see you don't trust my word. Let's go outside and I will show you!" They walked out and Brezhnev said to the sun which was already low, "My dear Sun, good evening." The Sun answered, "Go to hell, you old idiot." "What's that?" Brezhnev shouted angrily. "Do you know who you are talking with?" "I don't give a damn," the Sun said. "I'm already in the West, I do what I want!"

The most vicious weapon made during the Cold War: Reagan's Soviet jokes

Two KGB agents together. Agent #1: "Comrade, what do you think of our glorious Soviet Union?" Agent #2: "The same as you do, Comrade." Agent #1: "Comrade, you are under arrest!"

They don't make politicians like Reagan anymore.

Stalin was on his way Warsaw by car. It was the middle of the night in the Polish countryside, and the driver couldn't see the road very well. As they passed a lonely little farmhouse, they felt a huge thump and heard a squeal of an animal. "Driver Mikhail, go see what is the problem," Stalin demanded. So the driver stepped out of the car and went to look at the front. "Comrade Stalin, we've run over a pig!" Stalin sighed, his visit will be delayed. "Well, go and tell the farmers." So the driver stomped off through the night towards the small wooden farmhouse. Stalin read some newspapers by the light of a match, and eventually fell asleep. As Stalin awoke just before sunrise, he saw the driver stumbling back to the car. His fine suit was ripped, his face was red with lipstick, his hair was a mess, and he could barely navigate the mud below his bare feet. "Comrade Stalin, my apologies," the driver groaned. "What is the meaning of this? Explain what happened right now!" "Comrade Stalin. I knocked on the door and a babushka opened it. Behind her were her three daughters, all very strong from working in the fields. After I spoke, her daughters grabbed me by the collar and made love to me non-stop for four hours straight! Then for the rest of the night we sang and drank vodka. They're still partying right now!" "What the hell did you say them, Comrade Mikhail?!" "I said to them, 'Hello, I'm Stalin's driver, and I'm here to tell you that I just killed the pig'."

- Comrade, do you think we will ever reach true Communism? - Of course, Comrade. Communism is just over the horizon. - And what is horizon? - It's an imaginary line far ahead that no matter how long you travel to, you will never reach.

KZfaq is like USSR, you only get what you'd like 10 years later.

A communist jokes isn’t funny until everyone gets it

The regional KGB headquarters in Arkhangelsk suffered a major fire and was almost completely destroyed. Shortly after, a man called looking for help. “I’m sorry, we can’t do anything,” said the receptionist. “The KGB has burnt down.” Five minutes later, the receptionist received another call. “I’m sorry, we can’t help. The KGB has burnt down.” Another five minutes passed, and the phone rang again. The receptionist recognised the voice as the man who’d twice called previously. “Why do you keep calling? I told you that the KGB has burnt down.” “I know. I just like hearing it.”

Love how Reagan sounds like the wisest man alive even when telling jokes.

Communist jokes are like foods, not everyone gets it

She: "Come over!" Stalin: "I can't, I'm sending people to gulag!" She: "My parents aren't home!" Stalin: "I know!"

Peasants from a collective farm make their way to see Lenin with an appeal. - Comrade Lenin, we are all out of food. We've resorted to eating hay. Soon, we'll start mooing like cows. - Nonsense, my dear Comrade. Just last night, Comrade Stalin and I ate a bucket of honey, and you don't hear us buzzing, now do you?

I'm from an ex Eastern Bloc country and based on what my grandfather used to tell me, you really did have to wait for years on end to get a car. I don't know if it was exactly 10 years but you had to sign up and wait until they eventually contacted you years later.

Who knew that Reagan was a time traveler and Memelord

Hans, a man from West Germany decides to move at Eastern Berlin. His mother tells him: Hans, my boy. From the first moment that you cross the Iron Fence, you are in dangerous territory. Don't dare to write me that there is something bad in a communist country. In your letters, you will use a blue pen if you are telling me the truth, and red pen if you are lying. About 2 weeks later, the first letter arrives, and every word is blue. My dear mother, The 2 weeks that have passed were enough to make me love the East Germany. The people are great, the system cares about everyone, and generally, there is a very pleasant atmosphere. The only negative is that I can't find red pen anywhere. Edit: Thank you all 700 people who liked the joke. I have never recieved so many likes

A Hungarian joke from the era of communism: In 1966 (10 years after the crushed 1956 revolution against invading USSR) two old friends meet. - Hey, I haven't seen you in ages. What happened to you? - You know I had my share in the retributions too. I got 10 years. - Why? What did you do? - Nothing. - Come on, for nothing it's only five years.

That first joke is pure gold... I'm proud to have served with this great man as my Commander In Chief...🇺🇸

A judge comes out of his Moscow courtroom laughing hysterically. A fellow judge looks on in puzzlement and asks him what's so funny. "I just heard the best joke ever!" "Oh yeah? Let's hear it." "No can do. I just gave the guy ten years in prison for telling it!"

Here’s another classic, Stalin is visiting the farmlands outside of Leningrad, he visits one such potato farmer, he asks the farmer “comrade, how many potatoes have you produced?” The farmer responds with “well comrade Stalin, if you stacked them, they would reach god in the sky” Stalin replied with “but god does not exist” the farmer says “neither do the potatoes comrade stalin”

What weighs 6,000 pounds, costs 50 million rubles, and cuts an apple into three slices? A Soviet machine designed to cut an apple into four slices. As the Cold War came to a head, the US and the USSR decided that military spending was killing them both and agreed to settle the whole thing with a dog fight. They set a date in five years to breed and train their dog and then the two animals would fight it out. So the Soviets get the best military trainers and they mate the most ferocious guard dog in the Russian Army with a giant Siberian wolf. The litter is forced to fight over bones and scraps and soon the strongest ones have devoured the weak and the remaining of these beast dogs have their food cut off entirely with only each other to eat. Soon, the biggest and meanest of the dogs is all that is left and he is plunged into a vicious training regimen. They run him near to death across the frozen Siberian wasteland, make him swim for his life in the arctic ocean, and have him face off against wild bears and Siberian tigers. Every night, they beat him with lead pipes to make him tough and mean. -Finally, the day of the dog fight comes. Ten hulking Spetsnaz soldiers drag this animal into the ring with chains and cattle prods. Then, at the other end of the room, in walks a US Air Force corporal holding the leash of what looks like a fat, demented, Dachshund that waddles slowly into the ring. The Russians cannot believe their eyes and gleefully release their monster dog to tear this strange, warped creature to shreds. The Russian dog leaps through the air at the American dog, when suddenly, the entire front half of the American dog opens up into a giant maw lined with razor sharp teeth! To the Russians' horror, it devours the Russian dog in one massive bite! -The head Russian trained drops to his knees and cries out: "I can't believe it! We just spent five years breeding and training the perfect canine killing machine!!!" - The Air Force corporal shrugs. "That's nothing. We just spent five years making an alligator look like a dog." (This Soviet joke illustrates how bewildered they were when we won the Cold War after they were so convinced they were the toughest and the strongest).

Soviet jokes are like adequate food rations, not everyone gets them

An old man walks up to a guard at the Kremlin... "Good day to you comrade, I´d like to talk to Stalin" "But grandpa, comrade Stalin died long ago!" The next day, the old man is there again... "Good morning, I´d like to talk to Stalin" The guard, slightly annoyed: "Like I said, comrade Stalin died years ago" The day after, he´s there again... "Good morning, I´d like to talk to Stalin" The guard, now pissed off... "But I told you Stalin died ages ago, why the hell do you keep asking for him?!" "´Cause it´s so bloody GOOD to hear! "

This man is so funny! He should run for president

I fundamentally disagree with Regan's policies, but I will not deny his humor was on point. This is the man who after getting shot, while en route to the hospital for treatment, turned to his wife and said "I forgot to duck"

Time for a stupidly funny joke: A Russian missile silo officer falls asleep during his shift, with his face on the control board, and he accidentally hits the big red button. An angry colonel bursts in, the junior officer snaps awake and proudly announces: “Nothing to report during my shift, Comrade Colonel!” The colonel says in reply: “Nothing to report, you say?! Nothing to report?!! SO WHERE THE HELL IS BELGIUM?!!!”

People say the KGB was cold and uncaring, but you've got to give them credit for being great listeners.

This one is from the union too: Old man walking down the red square and says loudly thanks Stalin for happy childhood then a man says to him"but Stalin wasn't ruling when you was a child" the old man said "for this I thank him"

I used that plumber line when my dentist asked me if I wanted a morning or afternoon appointment for a check up in 6 months time.

I was a teen in the '80s. Man, we had it good with Reagan, Pope John Paul II, and even Gorby.

When you're Russian, there's no time for Stalin.

Bloke goes into a spare parts shop in Moscow, and says "I'd like a hubcap for my Lada.' Bloke behind the counter thinks for a moment and says 'Sounds like a fair swap.'

Best part when Reagan himself smiles after his jokes.

Here's another one. Reagan suggested that Brezhnev compete in the race. At the end of the competition, "Pravda" newspaper printed the following headline: "Comrade Leonid Ilyich won an honorable second place in the short-distance race, but the American president, alas, barely made it to the penultimate place.

“The Lubyanka building is the tallest building in all of Russia. You can see all the way to Siberia from the basement!”

My favourite is still this one: A man comes into a store in Moscow and says "I would like to buy half a kilogram of meat", The girl behind the counter says "You went into the wrong store, it's in the store across the street that there's no meat. In this store there's no milk."

As a then young man I am proud and honored that I voted for President Reagan twice! As an old man now I miss President Reagan more than ever! RIP 🇺🇸

Like the man or not, you gotta admit Pres. Reagan’s got an amazing sense of humor that made him all the more likable, even by his opponents.

That dad joke smile he has after delivering the punchline is just priceless

A survey conducted btwn an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian, "what was the best moment of your life?" Englishman: " I started my own enterprise and became a millionaire!" Frenchman: " I had candle light dinner with a beautiful Italian woman on Eiffel Tower" Russian: "When NKVD broken into my bedroom and screamed Ivan! You're under arrest for conspiracy against the Party! And to which I replied apologies, I am Sergei, Ivan lives next door"

I remember those jokes. I was 29 when he was telling these jokes. He injected Hard reality with the humor.

Bless Ronald Reagan he had a great sense of humour in his day as President. A lot better than the others after him.

There should be a show called "Thats So Reagan"

In America, when you tell Soviet jokes, everyone die laughing In Soviet Russia, you tell Soviet jokes, everyone laughing die

He’s so funny, should’ve became actor or maybe even president

that curfew joke was genius

I heard a good one once. Two Russians are sitting at the bar having a couple drinks. The first one pounds his fist on the counter and says to his friend, "You know, for all the propaganda we hear, I still don't even understand the difference between communism and capitalism. Both only make people miserable!" "Comrade!" says his friend, aghast. "How can you even say that? The two are complete opposites!" "How's that?" asks the first man. "Well, under capitalism, man oppresses his fellow man," says his friend. "And under communism?" "Other way around."

We should have known communism wouldn't work. There were a lot of red flags. Edit: people aren't getting the joke

I grew up with Ronald Ray Gun as USA President and Margaret Thatcher as UK Prime Minister, such good times with real leaders.... not like today when we dont even remember their names....

I like to think Gorbachev occasionally watches these videos to give himself a bit of a kick

this right here is from socialist Romania: In a bathroom: “Have we got any hot or warm water?” “Yes we do but it’s cold”

An American greets an old Soviet friend: "Hey, buddy, how've you been?" "Oh, you know, can't complain."

Тот момент когда советский гражданин узнаёт о советских анекдотах от президента США...

What’s the tallest building in Moscow? KGB headquarters, you can see Siberia from its basement

A man goes shopping in a Moscow supermarket, mumbling to himself: -There's no eggs, no milk, no bread. no meat... A policeman hears that, approaches him and says: -Comrade, if you keep talking like this I will hit you in the head with my pistol! The man replies: -Jesus!We ran out of bullets too?!

American and Soviet chickens are lying on the counter in the meat department. American chicken says: Look at me. I am plump, pink and fat. And look at you - bluish, skin and bones. Soviet chicken replies: Well, at least I died my own natural death.

Ronald Reagan was one of the best US presidents. Great guy!

Q: What cuts apples in 3 pieces, drinks loads of fuel and releases a ton of smoke into the air? A: A soviet machine made to cut apples in four pieces.

Q: Why are ex-KGB operatives the best cab drivers? A: You just tell them your name - they know where you live!

A nice Putin joke I was able to memorize: Putin dies and gets into heaven [no, I do not know why]. After some time of well-behaving he is granted a wish, and he wishes to return to Moscow for an evening. He goes to a pub and orders a wodka. When it comes he asks the waiter: "Do we have the Krim?" "Yes." "Ah, super. Do we have the Donbass area?" "Yes." "Ah. Do we maybe have the whole Ukrainia?" "Yes." "Ah, good, good". He sits there for some time smiling happily. Then he wants to pay. "This costs 5 Euros".

I imagine a timeline where Reagen is a comedian instead of becoming a politican.

In the USSR, a man goes into a shop and says “You don’t have any meat?” The shopkeeper says: “No, we don’t have fish. It’s the store across the street that doesn’t have meat.”

In 1952, two prisoners are sitting in a Hungarian prison. One asks the another: -Why are you here? -Because of political reasons. -What political reasons? -I am a plumber, and I got called in to the party committee to fix their sink. And they asked what was the problem and I said: "The whole system is rotten, everything must be replaced!"

The soviet newspaper Pravda held a contest for the best political joke of the year. What was the number 1 prize? -10 years of prison.

This Reagan dude kills. I'd vote for him based on his comedy routine alone.

In 1937, a man stands at the Red Square and shouts: "Down with a tyrant with a moustaсhe!". Beria, who walked nearby, overheard it, arrested the man and brought him in front of Stalin. - Comrade, who did you have in mind when you said "Down with a tyrant with a moustaсhe!"?, - Stalin asks. - Well of couse i meant Hitler! - Wery good, comrade, you are free to go. Man walks away, Beria tries to do so, but Stalin stops him: - Not so fast, comrade Beria. Tell me, who did YOU have in mind?

Khrushchev visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In the newspaper office, a discussion is underway about how to caption the picture. "Comrade Khrushchev among pigs," "Comrade Khrushchev and pigs," and "Pigs surround comrade Khrushchev" are all rejected as politically offensive. Finally, the editor announces his decision: "Third from left - comrade Khrushchev."

Came here after hearing about the death of Mihail Gorbachev may he rest easy

Lol what a beast… final joke was a great one to end on!

In an obscure town of central USSR a guy enters a shop and asks to the shopkeeper: -I'd like a loaf of bread, please. -I'm afraid you're mistaken Comrad, here is the shop without meat.... the shop without bread is next door.

This is one that was apparently told in East Germany. Q: Why do the secret police go around in threes? A: The first one can read, the second one can write and third one is there to keep an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals.

greetings from south wales, uk.. wonderful thankyou for sharing this 🙂

Russian dog: "What's bark?" Some things never change lol

"We pretend to work, and they pretend to pay us."

Here’s one: When Stalin was on his deathbed, he called Khrushchev by his bedside for a private meeting, and said: “Here, I have chosen you to be my successor. Take these three envelopes, they will guide you. Open the first when I have died, the second when things get a little shaky, and the third when all hope is lost.” And Stalin hands Khrushchev three envelopes. A week later, Stalin dies, and Khrushchev opens the first envelope. It reads: “Seize power.” So he does. A few years later, there is civic unrest, so he opens the second envelops. It reads: “Blame it all on me.” So he does, and things are well for a few years. But after that, the situation with the public becomes hopeless, so Khrushchev opens the third envelope. It reads: “Prepare three envelopes.”

These are really funny and the way President Reagan told them was perfect, I've so enjoyed this. RIP President Reagan.

The dog joke is my all-time-favourite ;-)

I actually heard another version of joke about dogs: Capitalist, socialist and communist arranged a meeting. Socialist came late. Sorry for being late, I was standing in a queue to get some sausages. Capitalist: What's queue? Communist: What's sausages?

Filmed: 88 Posted: 08 People watch in: 18

We need comedy like this in our lives now more than ever!😂🤣😂😢😢😢

Ronald Neagan was so funny that the assassin was crackin out loud.

Dang...Reagan dropped Soviet Jokes harder than the Berlin Wall in 1991

Three comrades in jail having a conversation: "Why are you in prison?". "I said something bad about comrade Rokosowski, why did they arrest you?" "I said something good about comrade Rokosowski." Now they turned to the 3rd guy, "Why are you in prison" "I am comrade Rokosowski"

This second one's punchline caught me off guard, it was great

During the Cold War, Ronald Reagan snaps and orders a nuclear strike on Moscow. The whole city is then obliterated by atomic fire, but the Politburo managed to escape into a shelter. After the shock wears off, Gorbachev orders a retaliatory strike on Washington. But his generals say: "Comrade Gorbachev, all nuclear warheads are either stolen or faulty. All we have are rubber dummies for parades!" Furious, Gorbachev goes: "Doesn't matter! Fire a rubber warhead for all I care!" The launch order is executed. Some time later, an ecstatic soldier bursts into the bunker and yells: "Comrade Gorbachev! An astounding victory! Washington, New York and Philadelphia were destroyed, multiple American airbases were taken out and the warhead is STILL bouncing!"

General Secretary Brezhnev was returning from East Germany by train, His wife asks "Where are we Leonid?" Mr Brezhnev put his hand out the train window and says "Still in East Germany." A while later Mrs Brezhnev asks "Where are we now Leonid?" Hand out the window again. Brezhnev says "Somewhere in Poland." Even later Mrs Brezhnev asks "Where are we now Leonid?" Hand out the window. "Just pulling into Moscow." "But Leonid, how could you tell where we were just by putting your hand out the window?" Brezhnev replied "Easy my dear. In East Germany they kissed my hand. In Poland they spat on it. In Russia they stole my watch."

Anyone hear the joke about the Berlin Wall? I can't tell you it, you'll never get over it!

You just start to listen and you can tell right away that it is from much more civilized times than what we have today.

He was a great practical joker too! Remember "Trickle Down Economics"?

The Romanian jokes from the Iron Curtain days are even funnier! One of my favorites: Minister Zaroni is talking to the man arrested for inventing jokes about him. He asks, "are you the one who made up the joke about the game of 'ting tong'? The arrested man chuckles and says, 'yes'! Zaroni then asks, "are you the one who made up the joke about me carrying my dirty socks to the concert?" The arrested man laughs even hard, slaps his knee and says, 'yes!'. Finally Zaroni says to him, "But don't you understand I am a Minister?” The man replies, "oh, I did not make up that joke"!