I was electronically harrassed because the narcassistic abusers lost access to me in person. This was their attempt after destorying what I liked in my physically life to preemptively strike and try rto remove the "safe spaes" I had in my own mind or online. It was also used to try make me break up with relationships that brought me joy because my joy was so distasteful to them. It took power away from the notion that I could ever be desirable especially by the opposite sex.

I think what you have here is an explanation for a subtype of depression. The cognitive belief is something like “I do not have the right to even pursue happiness, because if I pursue it then I am self centered, narcissistic, and hedonistic; furthermore if I do pursue it I should expect an unpleasant (aversive) consequence.” You are damned if you aim for pleasure or success and damned if you do not. It can be construed as learned helplessness (you are going to suffer no matter what ) or as a double bind. Your third pillar then has its logical place “Live in defiance of the unfair narcissist’s rules”. The replacement thought should be “I have as much right as anyone to aim for happiness and joy, and to sometimes achieve it.” And the corresponding behavior would be to take chances at desirable things.

I was very artistic as a child. I’ve been trying to rekindle this, now in my 50s, and I’m finding it complicated, due to intense fear comes over me when I try to do art. And it has slowly dawned on me as a realization that it’s rooted in childhood. And I remember, for example, as a teenager, bringing home a sculpture I had made in an art class at school, and my mother had said it was so ugly and scary looking that she didn’t want it in the house.

Whoa 😁 ...This is brilliant, I never thought about this before. Each time my mom would slam my esteem, I'd just come back with new interests to share with her. She repeatedly dismantled or dismissed anything that made me happy. I was 11 and happy that a relative said I was pretty. Mom sat me down & explained why I was not pretty. "Cute- but not pretty, That word is over used". I didn't learn from that. I took interest in spelling bees, she never attended at any school I had a spelling bee. Same with music recitals- never showed. I would've saved myself a lot of grief if I had just kept my mouth shut and my favorite things to myself😁 Thanks again for your insight, very upbuilding.

My only safe place was ballet class. My parents used to make sarcastic fun of me. When I cried, they called it crocodile tears. My brother and sister encouraged the dynamic because that meant that they weren’t the target. I knew that this treatment was going to change me and there was nothing I could do to escape. I picked up the shattered peices of myself and I have survived. Thank God. I will be in therapy and on medication for the rest of my life, but I have survived and have happiness at times.

Guilt guilt guilt.... It's true you have to hide everything, every holiday you go on, every friend you make, every last thing. Once they find out what you've been doing it will become common knowledge for all to know.

Had to just stop the video at ::: when the child feels good the N parent feels bad and vice versa. AND LET THAT SINK IN. There was something in another video about not allowing yourself to find happiness because it usually lead to some sort of narc rage, so you fundamentally cut yourself off from persuing happiness because it regularly leads to your imminent demise. This explains SO MUCH, THANK YOU.

I have had an on and off relationship with my creative self my whole life. When it is on people around me are genuinely blown away by what I accomplish, and I kind of am too because I have to work "outside myself" to finish anything. I have a distinct memory of when this separation came about. My sometimes enabling sometimes supportive mother gave me a set of paints because she new I loved art. So I started painting, It became the only safe space I had for my emotions. I quickly started to excell and was soon displaying paintings in school and applying to shows and showing in coffee shops. My Narc stepdad bursted in my room one day on one of his normal fits of rage and grabbed all my paintings and ripped them up, while telling me that I should just be doing math homework instead (a subject that I struggled with.) I tried to blow it off and was even later accepted into a prestigous art school where I kept studying painting, but I had to drop out because it was extreemly expensive and I had no support from my family and was surviving on minimum wage jobs. I felt that I had become the worthless artist than my stepdad wanted me to become. I have tried to return to painting several times in life but only get so far before I back out, due to being shattered with fear.

You understand this better than anyone Ive listened to on YOutube, even my own therapist. Thank you for your videos

I'm pursuing theater and my love of performing that I was engineered away from when I was close to my family - my use of my gifts threatened the illumination that they sold out on theirs - it's incredible how strong so many of us are to continue on despite all of the antagonistic pressure we experienced for most of our lives - thanks for another gem, Jay

"Tell me everything you love so that I can kill it." - Direct quote from my family.

I wasn’t allowed to have friends, nor did I get any guidance in being able to make friends.

Narcissistic parents started to hate seeing you happy but it infects the whole family. My siblings looked in pain when I felt joy or I accomplished something, no matter it wasn't a big deal.

I think it's so important for us scapegoats to find support on scapegoating specifically. Plus, gaslighting, exploitation, and smear campaigning. I'm searching for a support group specifically geared to those areas of abuse. A big part of my trauma is not being believed (let alone, not being related to). Not being able to interact with people on an on-going basis who understand it, and being surrounded by superficiality, feels like being re-traumatized over and over again.

It’s been difficult for me to move forward (with big things and little things) since not only was there no encouragement but also the parents were so uncomfortable with my moving forward, growing and having successes.

Narc parents never have a kind word for their scapegoat kid. Now you know why.

And also be cautious to find the right therapist. Jays description of the example therapist shows me what to look for and how much a previous therapist I worked with for years was just perpetuating the patterns. She got angry if I needed to cancel an appointment, which was uncommon but happened occasionally. If I was happy she thought it was fake or too much or I wasn't working hard enough in therapy. I think those of us with these family patterns need to avoid therapists who buy into the model that everything in your life is your responsibility, including dysfunctional relationships and the emotional pain they cause. This therapist did so much damage. When I finally dared to reveal my closest held dreams she told me I was being elitist. I had wanted to end therapy but she convinced me to continue. Eventually I found another therapist who helped me see that my instinct to leave that therapy was correct

This is exactly what happened to me. I didn’t know what narcissism was until my late 30s. The depth and the degree of damage has been…. Palpable. Hearing it described this way helps me grasp just how insidious it was. And validates how I made the right decision to remove myself from

This is so eye opening!!! I am currently dancing around reclaiming ALL OF MY DESIRES that have been put down in my life, from my wonderful husband to my beautiful hair and so many other things, it is a very long list! Thank you for this and all your videos, I so appreciate your work. 🙏💃

Thank You. This explains why I lost all ambition so early that I can't even remember it.