It took me a long time before I was comfortable enough to present as non binary out in the world. Once I discovered dressing to blend in there was no turning back. I used to think the object of the game was to dress over the top, ultra-femme sexy. That was the low point for me. Then I became informed, and now I feel I am becoming who I truly need to be as a non binary person. I probably spent nearly 2 decades in that low point before I found a way to turn this gender dysphoria into gender euphoria.

After the euphoria of initial discovery, the "cracking egg," I'm in the first dip. It feels like I'm not making progress, and discouragement is setting in as I look at the entire mountain before me. I'm trying to see the goal without worrying about the distance.

Ever since coming out to myself, I've been in the euphoria phase, which I guess would correlate to the initial phase on the model. However, I know my life will continue to have ups and downs, and I had already tempered my expectations in knowing that transitioning isn't going to solve all my problems. The thing is, before I knew I was trans, I had lived as someone with severe clinical depression. I've already walked miles in the worst pits of despair. That was my entire life, and it dictated who I was, and what I could do. It turns out I was depressed because I didn't know I was trans, as the depression has gone into remission since coming out. No matter how long my transition takes, I'm still in a much better place than when I was depressed all the time, and that makes it easier to deal with whatever challenges life has in store.

My anthem during the Valley of Despair was "Next Right Thing" from Frozen 2. It acknowledged the pain-- I've seen dark before, but not like this. This is cold, this is empty, this is numb. It acknowledged the loss-- The life I knew is over, the lights are out. It affirmed that the only way out was through-- But a tiny voice whispers in my mind, you are lost, hope is gone, but you must, go on. It mourned the loss of relationships-- I follow you around, I always have. But you've gone to a place I cannot find. It gave me a concrete action to take-- And do the next right thing. Take a step, step again, it is all that I can to do, the next right thing. It kept me focused on the tiny steps, not the insurmountable mountain-- I won't look too far ahead, it's too much for to take, but break it down to this next step, this next choice, is one that I can make. And it let a little hope into the darkess-- So I'll walk through this night, stumbling blindly towards the light, and do the next right thing. So that's what I did. Over and over and over. I listened to that song, and I took a tiny step. I filled out a form. I did some research. I made a phone call. I reached out for help. And slowly those tiny steps built up into an avalanche of change that carried me out. I'm literally sobbing with pride and accomplishment as I write this. I am just so incredibly proud of the strength and endurance I found inside myself during that time. And now, just 1.5 years later, I'm sitting somewhere around stages 4-5. I love my life, I'm mentoring others, and I'm building up success in my career and relationships. I also totally resonate with what you said about social transition-- my biggest journey now is learning how to navigate this world as a woman. It's so much easier than living as a man, but at the same time there's a huge learning curve. It's one that I'm excited about though! Unlike learning the nonsensical scripts for how to be a man, this is just learning how I authentically fit into society.

As usual DrZ you have a wonderful way of words that can shed some light on our struggles. I’m 6 months on HRT and feel that Mount Everest is unobtainable and even harder that I now believe I also have ADHD. The good news for myself is that I have a very loving and supportive wife. Most of her friends and family know I’m transgender and are supportive but none of my own family know. This is the biggest obstacle I must endure. Not there yet but like you said, baby steps. Thanks again for your wonderful channel and insight.

This is a great graph. I find myself at the Valley of Despair. You explain this in a terrific simple & easy to understand.

Dr. Z is talking about me ! Emotions up and down like an old roller coaster. Its getting much worse now that I am at 75 !

Very interesting. I feel like I went through a cycle like this during the 5 year period of questioning I experienced (with the "oh shit, I'm not cis" moment starting it and accepting I was a trans woman being the success/fulfillment moment in that cycle). Of course, that self-acceptable led to a whole new cycle of changes... and I am tempted to say multiple simultaneous cycles. Since I was facing a long wait for HRT, I have aggressively been pursuing progress in other facets of transition (e.g. facial electrolysis, upcoming voice coaching, ongoing gender therapy, coming out socially and beginning the process of social transition). It feels like I have multiple cyclical wave patterns going on at once, which helps average things out a bit. I might be having a "valley of despair" moment regarding HRT at one point but then I go to another electrolysis session (and see the slow progress in the mirror), have a therapy session or just hear my loved ones calling me by new name and it helps. I feel like my emotions and thoughts relating to transition and how it is progressing are spread out among multiple streams rather than just one clear overall pattern, like interacting ripples in a pond rather than a single clear waveform. I can feel like one facet is hopeless but other facets show progress and help keep the despair in check. Some days are definitely rougher than others and my initial euphoria has passed but it just feels like a very complicated set of interactions, at least within me. I'm sure I'll have some day in the future when my negative feelings on all fronts overlap and that will be a very rough period indeed but I suspect it won't last overly long as my cycles regarding various forms of progress don't seem to be very synchronous.

Thank you, Natalia! The Kelley and Connor emotional cycle model is applicable to a diverse variety of personal behavioral changes. Your application to the context(s) of gender transition sheds much light on what I have been living through in recent years.

Valley of Despair - sooooooooooooooooooooooo true...........................

Just amazing dr.

Thank you 🙏🏻

Very helpful, thank you.

Wow, your words help, so much, it is a struggle, your explanation takes away the sting! I am older (78), I am only ,now, understanding the root of my Depression and 5 failed marriages, Gender Disphoria explains a lot Thank you!

Very interesting. So far, after 10 months on HRT I’m still doing great! Thanks for a helpful video!

Thanks Dr Z! 38 y/o AMAB non-binary 2 and a half months on feminizing HRT. Starting to get discouraged and honestly I'm scared that I might want surgeries. This video came just when I needed to hear this!

Thank you for this Dr. Z. I really need to start seeing you again. I am euphoric in the valley of despair. I am amazed at the progress I’ve made, yet I feel a certain hopelessness, but there is a glimpse of hope, I could never go back to what I was, if there is a God, I think she is showing us the way forward, slowly painfully, it is amusing, I have to remember that🤔☺️ I’ve written a book about it. It’s called the goddess of second chances, it’s on Amazon. Cathartic, for me - writing it. Cheers

This is an incredibly helpful video. Thank you. I'm probably somewhere just below the informed pessimism point!

I am older in my sixties Friday will be my first visit with the doctor and I'm just starting this journey already I feel the dips

Just starting to try and start transition and I have never felt optimistic about it because I see all of the obstacles and drawbacks to it, especially where I work and live. I still feel like I need to attempt it just to feel whole and at peace with myself. What will be will be.

I think I over came some gender dysphoria issues, as I have tried to pay attention to the things that seem to trigger it, and find ways to deal with it. So far so good. I do fear rolling back in to that gender dysphoria beatings rut. I hope there isn't much more left it can break and change pre-transition. I tried that therapist again through email this time and got a response, I am on a waiting list.

I have been stuck at stage 3 for the passed 4 days and I fell off the rails today. I went out, as my female self, with a work colleague at the weekend. I was passing/blending, I was out in the general public and it felt normal surrounded by strangers who were just going about their lives, oblivious of me. It was also the first time I felt as ease with being me, it felt good to be in my skin - it was totally a massive eye opener, the high of finally being me and it was overwhelming. This high came crashing down, when it was time to go back to being my biological self. I could feel the weight of being him slowly creeping up, pressing down on me. I started hunching over feeling down, I could feel the shell of him slowly closing around me and it put me in a negative mood for the passes 4 day until I cracked! I have presented as female meny time before, but none of them resulted in such a low. I couldn't think at work, I was reaching out to professional advice and nobody was getting back to me. My work colleague started pulling away, on top of a less that receptive home environment - I could feel depression just around the corner, It felt like I was rudder-less and adrift. I knew this wasn't going anywhere good, my lows are normally very, very low. And sometimes accompanied by suicidal throughs - I can fully understand why so many transgender people don't make it. So, I decided to draw a line under this week, I have taken some time off to give myself some head space. But, when I got home I had my boss call to check on me, he goes " take as much time as you need!". I was getting messages from colleagues offering support. My mum called, she was out with my aunt and she needed a confidante, so turned to her. My aunt was 100% excepting and can't wait to meet my female self. My uncle called and we had another 2.5 hour long chat and he can't wait either. All this all helped me pull my head back out of a very dark hole enabling me to reset and regroup. What I'm taking away from this experience is that this only serves to reinforced the fact that deciding to transition is the bast way forward for me. Unpacking years of suppressed feelings and emotions will create s#!+ days. So, use stage 1 to build a network of support around you. So, when the s#!÷ hits the fan, you just have to hit that panic button and help is there!

I have done years of therapy and research and tomorrow my new journey of transition your videos are a nice tool to inform me on changes or tips I would not think of on my own thank you

this concept happens are multiple scales, you have this feel with the over all transition as well as the smaller parts like coming out. first time shopping. starting HRT talking with your doctor. divorce court

After watching the video I would have to say I'm a little above number 4 the Informed Optimism stage. Last year I was in the Valley of Despair I begun medical transition in 2020 and in 2021 I was seeing the results of continuous HRT my middle school students most of who have no filter beginning questioning my appearance and asked blunt questions like, why do you have breasts? You don't have any facial hair and your clothes don't fit properly. It was rough because I was in a bad marriage and people could actual see changes I thought I hid from others. Even with all this something in my mind told me to push forward and not stop like a previous attempt to transition years ago. My breakthrough came in October of 2021 me and my ex finally decided to part ways this past May. at the point I decided to come out to my family January 1, 2022 followed by coming out at work and informing HR and finally booking surgeries for the summer. Everything fell into place and I'm 5 weeks post op. More important was finally being out full time 24/7. Now I feel this will be on going at least for a few more years and for me the final fulfillment would be bottom surgery but unlike before I've already begun working on my goals and making sure I research and do the tasks needed for success. I feel ultimate fulfillment would be where I'm just living my authentic self and not really thinking about be trans to point where it causes stress. Love this video Dr. Z it's great to see where you land on the chart! ❤💯

Hello! I am 31 years old and I've been out of the closet since a year now and started with my social transition respectively. I'm not on hormones yet, but hopefully I'll be able to start HRT this year. I'm also flirting with surgical options since I don't feel good about my genitalia, but I agreed with my therapist that I'll wait until hormones kick in to see how I'll feel about myself then. Transitioning has been the hardest and most stressful thing I've ever done in my life and being misgendered or insulted puts a heavy toll on my mental health! There are a few good days and weeks but as soon as something unpleasent happens I'm back at questioning it all again. I have a few questions, maybe some viewers or Dr. Z could help me out or at least refer me to a transgender forum/community of sorts? - Is it normal that I haven't felt gender dysphoria up until the point when I came out? My theory is that I've been so ashamed of myself that these kind of feelings have been dormant all the time. - How can I stop feeling inferior to cis women, when they are much more likely to be viewed as potential partners and love interests both by hetero men and gay women? Especially when I'm around "attractive" people or hear talk about how much of a desirable person some girl is, I secretly die inside. I guess women who are perceived as ugly by cultural standards can also feel this way but there's still this layer of me not being able to be in the dating pool just because I was born a man, no matter what I do, and that's a painful reality. - In my transition, my libido is a strong driving force. Hence I sometimes wonder if my gender identity is just based on a fetish? They say your libido could diminish once you're on hormones and I'm anxious if that might make me question it all even more. I almost feel bad about writing this wall of text but at this point I don't want to strain my friends with my issues so much and this is the only place I know I can talk about this. Thank you for your time.

Hello, your videos are very helpful and have enabled me to explain things more clearly to my partner. Unfortunately I live in the uk, and the waiting list I am on for medical transition (including hormones) has become 3 years longer in just the 2 Years have been on it. I am doing my best to transition in any way I can, but the dysphoria impacts my mental health so badly that I struggle to find long term employment and can't afford to go private to jump the queue. I wonder if you have advice for coping with being unable to medically transition long term? (I'm a transgender man in his mid 30's) I feel like I'm stuck in limbo and I'm not going to be able to live my life until I'm approaching my 50's on this current timeline.

Kind of wavering between step 3 and step 4 right now. I'm still really unsatisfied with how hormones have helped me in the almost 30 months I've been taking them, but at least I am able to access medical care that will deal with some of those aspects that hormones haven't touched (namely, top surgery and facial surgery). I do my best to not dwell in despair. The worst part is that I wish that others realized that dwelling in despair is not a "choice". I honestly wish others could understand that I just can't turn it off sometimes. I know that there are others who have managed to find coping mechanisms when they've hit their troughs and when they ask whether or not I have tried their coping mechanisms... yeah, I have, because people can share coping mechanisms. I do worry sometimes that I alienate friends because of how deep and unremitting my bouts of despair become.

I came out to my sister in a letter and her initial response was that my counselor must have put words in my mouth and that this isn't me. She later said that's not how she meant it but it was very clear to me. Since then we haven't addressed it. Nothing changed. In my head this would've been a big breaking point, finally getting someone on my team so I wouldn't have to face this alone. The fact that nothing happened, that I'm still waiting for a therapist and that I'm facing at least a year of appointments until I can get on HRT.. It all just made me loose all hope. I started feeling numb again, pushing the thoughts away, filling alone time with constant screen time or retreating into a fantasy world. And the number I feel the more I doubt myself. I used to be able to feel it so clearly and truly and now I look back at my journal entries and wonder how I did it

Have you had experience with people who suddenly realize they have achieved their goals earlier than expected? Do they tend to have complicated feelings about it? In the last few weeks I've had a few experiences that have shown me that I'm now perceived as female regardless of my presentation or state of undress. These signals have come from both trans people and a medical provider who works with a lot of women, both cis and trans. I thought I was still mid-transition but towards the latter half, yet here I am. This is what I want! But also it's kinda shocking. There's a sense of loss that other trans people don't know that I'm one of them until I tell them. It's making me reevaluate my plans for further gender affirming surgeries. It's like thinking you have 10 miles left in a marathon and suddenly realizing you're at the finish line. There's this sense of, "what now?" My transition has been the focus of my life for 2.5 years, and there's almost a sense of loss as I'm realizing that it's coming time to close this chapter of my life and move on. I'd love to hear from you how others have adapted to this change and how you encourage them to approach it!

My biggest fear is getting all the way through transition, being content, and feeling lost….not because my transition was successful but because for so many years my focus has been on transitioning. Once it is over, I will not have anything as a goal- the struggle has become a part of my identity. How do I replace this focus now so it is easier when all is “done”? I hope this question and concern makes sense…

I'm currently in phase 3😞 I'm trying to turn my channel into a real-time vlog from my first dose to completion but haven't felt like doing anything lately

This last months been like ALL the 2, 3 and 4 back and forth in my mind yet I'm not out. Trying to receive psycolhological support before coming out. Sometimes I even question if it's worth It because I'm so afraid of 2 and 3 ...

3 years ago i developed a yearning to have been born a ciswoman. but that feeling left more than a month ago after dental surgery. a friend suggested it was a matter of stressors overwhelming the concern about my gender i want that yearning back. i feel im not trans enough, fake. it does not help ive never felt feminine which makes me feel incomplete what am i to do?

I can see how this model might be useful but I don’t feel like it applies to me at all. I wouldn’t say that I was an uninformed optimist (or even a pessimist) when I started. I WAS informed. I’ve been doing research for years and years. There’s no doubt in my mind that I’ll have ups and downs but I’m totally expecting that. Since starting my transition I’ve been incredibly emotionally stable-probably because I no longer have the crushing weight of whether or not I should transition. Maybe we need to emphasize that these models are not applicable to everyone.

I think I skipped stage 2 - I feel insanely uninformed and in the valley of despair (though it feels more like an oubliette at the minute). Since I (newly) identify as genderqueer, I don't feel like I have an end goal. I feel like I've opened a locked door, but have no idea what to do next.

I think that I'm on the 2nd stage, heading towards the 3rd. I'll actually restart therapy again in a few weeks, and I'm kinda proud of myself for setting that up, all by myself. I'm searching out friends of mine who have been where I am now, and who can share information with me. When I was young, my late father always told me that if a person did something before me, there's NO reason why I can't do it just as well, or even better than they did. I KNOW that I can do this, I'm just trying to find needed information. In the meantime, I keep on keepin' on.

Trying not to sink into depression when thinking of the 3+ year waiting period I'm currently in to receive transgender care (yay government healthcare programs). But also looking forward to some possible help that's been tentatively promised by social services here for the interim (but has yet to materialise due to the summer vacations and everyone being out of the office for weeks). Of course it doesn't help that I'm prone to serious depressions and anxiety anyway, quite apart from the gender dysphoria and transition process, so (like probably most people) there are several such curves running in parallel, and we can only hope the deepest dips don't overlap too often.

So why would you want to become someone your not. Embrace your original self

Leave it to humans SMH omfg

What about the people who regretted transitioning? None of this applies this is all misinformation.