Your insistence in these last couple of videos that people who refuse to absorb the information about trans identities are being stubborn and stupid has helped me give permission to myself to stop making excuses for people. I finally talked to my dad about the awful things he said to me, and we are making progress! It was easier to do once I realized I could just see him as wrong, and stopped trying to "educate" him on what he refuses to see.

Long before I ever knew I was trans, I experienced this when it came to my depression. There were people in my life who told me, "Snap out of it," or, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself all the time," as if it was some kind of choice. They should have known better, as I was undergoing medical treatment for it. Yet in their minds, I was inconveniencing them and making them uncomfortable simply by existing. While it's likely the case that my depression was misdiagnosed gender dysphoria all along, it still speaks to the intersection between attitudes towards trans people and towards those with mental illnesses. Also, if anyone I know is so set in their ways that my coming out will kill them, well, I guess it sucks for them.

You just exactly quoted everything my parents have ever said to me. Especially the “dont come out to dad, it will kill him”… such unnecessary pain.

I'm an addict in recovery; and I address the whole "choice" myth when I share my "experience, strength and hope" (as we say in the 12-step program that I'm a member of.) The ONLY choice that I made, was to begin to ACCEPT myself as I truly am. As far as transition, it's NOT something I'm doing on a whim.

It's also a lack of empathy, and if there's one thing I've learned about abuse psychology, it's that there's nothing you can do to make someone have empathy for you. You can't change the mind of someone who's dedicated to misunderstanding you.

You made me laugh for real with the humorous example of someone actually choosing being trans when it comes with so much difficulty and society's negative baggage and reactions. The same exact argument and reaction was done to gay people too in the past, that they were making a choice, and the same basic scrutiny applied then as well: how ridiculous it was to imagine that anyone would choose to be something that could get them so persecuted in society at the time.

I chose transition but didn't choose to be trans xD alot of people ask me what I want to spend money on when my pay comes in but I have to say like "I can't spend them.". So yea, I chose a harder life so I didn't end up dying at 26 years old.

I hate that we have to constantly justify ourselves. I spent over 30 years trying to justify that I was a man, fighting to be as "masculine" as I possibly could in order to justify that I wasn't transgender. Then I spent 4 years trying to justify that I was a woman, fighting over and over with my self-doubts, fears, and needs. And now, I have to keep trying to justify my existence with everyone else just because I make them uncomfortable. I hate it so much. All my family does support me, but I had a couple friends that were thinking it was a choice for me. I don't know if I have changed their minds, but I have certainly gotten them to think. I used a hypothetical scenario on them where they imagined that they woke up in the body of the opposite sex. Not only that, but everyone around them knew only as the new sex they were assigned, and that everyone treated them like the opposite sex. Not only that, but if they acted like the opposite sex of their new sex, they would be name-called, harrassed, and possibly assaulted. I asked them if they would actually enjoy that. Of course, I got the "haha, I'd masturbate" line, which is a hard barrier for us and perpetuates things like autogynephilia, but I got them to stop and think about what would happen after their lust was satisfied. Could they live everyday like that, or would they fight to change back? They had no words. I also brought David Reimer into the mix. David Reimer was a cis person that was being forced to be trans. If it really was a "choice", then the conversion therapy (along with the corrective rape) he went through would have worked and he would have chosen to stay female. However, as anyone with a psych 101 course knows, he didn't choose that life and suffered a lot, eventually ending his own life because of the horrors he went through, including his gender dysphoria. That again has given them pause and I feel like they support me a lot more.

my "friend" of 25 years said that I've ruined my life and the life of those around me and it was all "my choice!" and then promptly unfriended me! It's odd because he's the only one, out of everyone that I've told, who has had this view thus far. To argue with stupid is like attempting to play chess with a pigeon

My partner is saying this to me currently! Thank you for this info Dr. Z. All your videos are giving me life saving info. Thank you!!

I didn't choose to be transgender, but I did choose to live with it and not denying it. And I never be so well with myself since I accepted to live with this condition.

Well I told someone this "why would I possibly WANT to go through all of this" and I got a reply of "because you just need attention So much, you do extreme things to get it, something like a demonstrative suicide attempt" There is no final reply to this, but just.. Nevermind, it's true, you can't debate with these people.

It is always so wonderful to hear such rational experienced advice... Like with all deep pain control, the only choices are treatments available to you to help mitigate this pain, hopefully before it starts becoming unbearable. Even though these treatments can sometimes themselves be painful both societally and medically, as with all good treatments, they offer the hope of the happiness that those without pain can so easily take for granted.

Thank you for pointing that out Dr Z. I transitioned just over a decade ago. I've been telling people ever since I was miserable living as a man and have been so happy living as a woman. Choosing to transition was in the pursuit of happiness. Who would want to stay miserable? I've always wished I was just one of the girls, a heartfelt wish, one I could not suppress or change. I want what I want, I like what I like and I can't change that. Can anyone?

0:59 We have to be 'selfish' in regards to being Transgender... We have to make 'our' happiness top priority... It's either we make someone else happy, or we make ourselves happy. Life is way too short to be unhappy all the time... If someone doesn't like/accept the fact that we are Transgender and desire to present ourselves in a different manner than that what society is dictating, then fu*k them... sorry for the profanity, but that's the way we need to be. It's our life nobody else's... we need to do what makes us Happy... 💕

This is the first time I've ever seen this channel but I immediately clicked on the video because the first thing I thought of was Edna?? The Incredibles Edna?? I also love learning more about the science and psychology behind trans so I can better help and defend their rights. Already love this channel

Had this argument w my mom. She said that I was forcing everyone to change with me, that i shouldn'tmake this choicefor everyoneelse just because i madeit for me. I asked I'd she thought I just woke up one morning and thought, ok... coffee, eggs, oh I think I'll be trans today!? Like no, I chose to stop living a life I was miserable in. I chose to cut my hair and I chose my name and i chose to seek out hrt. But I didnt choose to be a trans man. Its just what I am. I could wear dresses again and stop hormones... but I'm still going to be trans. I'm not forcing them to play a part they don't want in my life. If they don't like Me as I am, that's fine, but they don't get to be a part of my life anymore. That's a choice, I choose to cut off negative people. Being transgender.... not a choice.

Cis people are inherently privileged and entitled when it comes to scrutinising minorities. My right to exist is constantly challenged on all fronts and yet we have to placate the same people that refuse to use google.

Thank you Dr. Z. Excellent topic. The reality is that the most poeple can't understand it and indeed believe that is a choice. My point of view and my answer is always the same: I didn't chose to be transgender,but I chose to support me and proceed with the transition at any cost instead of trying to fit and be miserable for the rest of my life.

I told my mother last week I’ll begin MTF HRT this month and she responded “ well what do you want me to say”? I replied “I’m not asking you to say anything. I just thought I’d let you know instead of waiting till I was halfway through it then springing it on you. Then she replied “well it’s your THING so I don’t give a shit what you do”. I replied “ well hope I didn’t upset you”. The. She said “I gotta get off the phone”! Then she hung up on me and we haven’t talked since. The way I see it, if she really wants to talk about it, she can call me back because I’m not gonna call her back not knowing if she’s still mad at me.

Yup, it's official. YOU ROCK!!

When I came out as gay 15yrs ago my brother said it was a choice. Then I said to him “could you as a straight man CHOOSE to have sex with another man”? He replied “He’ll no”! Then I said “ there you go. If you couldn’t force yourself to have gay sex then it’s NOT a choice”. You have to be that way inside where you simply don’t have a choice to do that because it’s just who you are”. So now that I’m transitioning, I’m explaining it the same way.

I had my FFS on Thursday. I think I might be transgender now 😸 I’m 65. Lovin that neck lace Dr. Z!

It is a very difficult concept to refute. I'm old (60+) and in a long term marriage. I came out to my wife after a lot of soul searching and the result was not good. She was very upset, which I understand and appreciate, but in the months since she seems to have become more understanding and accepting. None the less she is still very upset and regards my transition as, ultimately, a choice. As long as the subject is not being discussed, our relationship seems okay. But if the subject of transition comes into the conversation I can see her face fall and close up and the anger surge up. I'm not sure of the long term consequences. I really really do not want to end my marriage but I am also not certain it will survive.

2:00... This video was really hard to watch emotionally, but yeah that is kind of what I am currently dealing with right now though I expect part of it is just because my wife hasn't had the proper time to process everything yet. After quite a long time debating wither I was going to finally start caring about my mental health and stop lying to myself and pretending to be something I am not or going back to lying to myself and pretending everything is fine just to keep the status quo, I had finally decided that I need to start caring about my health and that I can no longer keep lying to myself. I started going to some support groups and started seeing a therapist before making a final decision and decided that yes I need to care about my health, so this last weekend I finally built up the courage to let my wife know why I had been so depressed for so long and about what I am dealing with and well the reaction... well it was less bad than expected, not a good reaction but not an immediate bad one either. Well I gave her most of a week before asking her "Hey I am not going to do anything in public because I don't want you uncomfortable but would you mind if maybe I wear some things that make me feel more comfortable in the privacy of our own home, I don't want to make you uncomfortable but it is something I need to do to cope with what I am dealing with", and oh boy the very next day "Oh you are being so selfish, you are getting what you want, I need to get what I want I am going to go on a big shopping spree because it is not fair you are getting what you want, why don't you just wait till you start your new job and see if you still feel the same way after working in your new field for a while".... It is super frustrating but at the same time understandable because it is a huge thing for everyone involved not just the person going through it but for the people around them affected by it as well. I am just going to continue giving her time because I know she knows better and that her reactions are purely due to extreme emotions but it definitely can be draining when hearing that even if you know that isn't how they truly feel.

Hello! I love your channel. I am a transgender woman, I write from Bolivia, in South America. I am 42 years old. Single with no children. Two years ago I started Hormone Replacement Therapy. In part, I am lucky because my friends and my mother and sister give me their full support. In addition to some other cousins. But the rest of my family acts like I never told them about my gender transition. I visited each of my family members and explained very calmly. After that, they kept deadnaming me and things like that. It's sad when you realize that, usually, the first to discriminate against you are your family members. But just as some people leave your life, new and very valuable friendships are also formed.

I was terrorised and humiliated as a child (5yo) over the years for coming out transgender in my family. I had a sister that was cruel and malicious into adulthood. And it only occurred to me recently since I’ve had a significant resurgence to transition that my mother actually used my sister to harass the hell out of me till I just looked in her face one day, I thought I have to put up with her violent hostile behaviour even more. Ok, I give up. I’ve never really explained how or why to anyone, since I revealed to my mother at 5yo. I went to the gay capital to find my ppl, but in th 90’s, LGB’s it turned out looked down on trans, so no support there. And trans were in the fringe n closeted, no possibility of employment, or they were prostitues. It was like society was punishing them. So put it off and put it off. Now, I’m just trying to find financial security so I don’t have to wait any longer. No one has a say in why, or that I’m moving forward with it. I’ve seen more acceptance for it now than ever before, I think it’s time. It’s taken so long because it’s hurt so deeply, but I don’t want to continue living as I am, and I’ve felt that way since I was a child. Thank for commentary it’s positive and encouraging with that working knowledge, I like your style too, very cool. I want a bob like that:)

My friends ex use to say it was a choice but he started that debate with me and ended up with nothing to say by the end of it. But sadly your are right they will never change their minds really unfortunate case of lack off.

How selfish do you have to be to accuse someone who is doing their best to be whole and functional despite the hardships doing so introduces... selfish? I get sacrifice to benefit someone else, but what real tangible benefit occurs if you do here? You might make someone else slightly more comfortable? Thanks Dr Z for deep thoughts that deserve pondering.

I made my brother doubt with the biological argument, but he doesn't know I have GD. However, I'd like to bring a question. Recently I found an online lecture from a FtM psychiatrist who basically said all about the BNST research by Zhou and Krujiver was BS but didn't have another theory. This was very unpleasant to me because it seemed to negate a reasoning that has given me some relief in the sense that "this is not something I have done to myself". It is just an internal reflectivo of the same guilt/shame thin, so, in that light, should we accept to ourselves there is no explanation for GD or is it worth to attach to some rational framework that allows us to "win" our own internal debate?

Dr. Z. Do you have any idea why the neurobiology that's developed in utero, as laid out by Dr. Mark Solms from South Africa, isn't part of the conversation? What he put down helped me so so much and I don't understand why what seems to be so obvious to neurobiologist is completely ignored. My brain did not masculinize in utero. Understanding this and some of the mechanisms that can cause this was some of the most important info to help me be, me.

I want to thank you Dr. Z. I had a traumatic medical procedure when I was a child and didn't want to be a boy. I hide me feelings to want to be a girl and secretly wore girls underwear, panty liners and tampons when going through puberty. I eventually stopped because my step mom got mad I was stealing her period products. Later I joined the Military and struggled for almost ten years in Military. After getting out of military I spent 14 years going deeper and deeper into a dark depression to the point of contemplating suicide. It was only when I reached out for help that through counselling I realized I'd been hiding my true feelings that I don't want to be masculine. So I saw a phycologist and was questioned about how I was feeling. The phycologist referred me to a Gender Dysphoria expert. I've been diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria and now I'm living a better life mentally. This wasn't a choice I chose to live as a man for all my life and it sent me spiraling into a dark depression. I feel enlightened that I can live my life as myself and how I should have lived all these years. I watch your videos because I want to understand more about myself. You have been a great help with understanding myself and comforting my fears. Thank You!

Dr. Z you should be aware that Epoch Times, a conservative anti trans bullhorn placed an ad or their ad was placed by Google at the intro to this piece. Extremely frustrating and inappropriate. I reported it fwiw. You and people like me who really appreciate what you do deserve better. Not sure there is anything you can do but thought you should know. Now I need to cool off so I can watch your piece. Erf.

I can't say it's a choice, it's there in us, we make the choice to hide it, otherwise it's not a choice to be. The real choice I can make is either to buy myself low rise skinny jeans or a skirt. Or the choice between platform sneakers or high-heeled peep toe platform sandals, that's what i could say to someone telling me it's my choice.

I think one of the difficulties in understanding for people (on this specific issue of "choice") is that there *are* choices that trans people do need to make along the way. To transition socially or not, what name if you change it. When/if medical transition is available what dosage of HRT to start with, what surgeries to pursue and so on and so forth. So many people see transition itself as being transgender. They don't see transition as the social, medical, and psychological treatment options available for people who experience discomfort with being trans. Next time I hear someone talking about choice I'm going to ask them if a patient consulting with their doctor on cancer treatments is a "choice".

As a trans partner, having to tolerate people's ignorance and bigotry is exhausting and causes isolation and resentment. The current political tendency for everyone to weigh in on trans people doesn't help. Thank you for your forceful defense of the validity of trans identity.

As someone who's little brother came out as gay 40 years ago, I 'm still not sure that my mother is ready to hear that I am trans and want to complete the journey to woman as a person.

They are choosing not to know or to attempt to understand. so yes Stupidity is the term. Great video.

They just don't know the experience from the inside so it seems like it comes out of nowhere i suppose. I understand it being difficult to make sense of.

I'm afraid to even discuss this issue with my wife because her reaction to others who publicly transition is that "it is a choice". Don't know what to do with that yet

I’ve been having some financial difficulties lately due to cost of transition. Yesterday my mum told me it was my own fault because it was my choice to transition. Broke my heart. The fact that she would never dream of saying my brother chose to be gay makes it even harder somehow.

wish it were a choice. we're built like this. from birth.

My partner has said this almost word for word! I have recently came out to my mother, but she wants to have a deeper discussion about it, when my father isn't in eye shot! My partner at first, said "your a man not a girl, get over it!" And sent me links about how much money transitioning will cost, or says don't let the neighbours see you as a girl - that'll be imbarasing! But, I have found taking baby steps with the information has helped her a greatdeal. Now; this means withholding information regarding my progress. I will let her know, but she has gotten very stressed over it, so I slowly dribble information, so she has time to progress it has been the best way forward for her. I bought her flowers and said "I can see how this is affecting your head, I am hear for you!". This act has demonstrated that I am not being selfish. Which has allowed her to logically progress the information. Recognise that you have been dealing with this your whole life, but for the vast majority of people in your life - they only start this journey with you from the moment you come out to them. So they have a lot of catching up to do, in order to be on the same page as you. So be patient and drip feed at a rate they cam process. That way they start to see the wider picture and make sense of the pain your going through.

I certainly didn’t chose to be trans… But I managed to keep her in the box with a very busy gig schedule, drugs and overcompensating my unwanted masculinity… The pandemic therefor was a blessing and a curse… I had way too much time and was way to exposed to myself… So my dysphoria hit a peak… I came out to a select few of my friends… Those were telling me that it actually makes sense… They always felt that something was “off” with me… Now I’m trying to transition with a highly visible male public profile and haven’t figured out how… I still have no idea how to strategise my coming out in order to live my life as I meant to live and have a “happily everafter”… I’m still deeply closeted, but bursting to come out… Any idea how to pull this off??? VJ

This can be applied to anything really. Religion, politics, whether you like to take drugs, whether you're stopping taking drugs etc. In the end these are in fact, making a choice. You know what's not a choice? Whether you are black, white, intersex, an actual biological female or male, born in a certain town/country/city, or gay or straight.

If I can understand it’s not a choice for my parents to be connected to spirituality and express this through religion. I wish they could understand it’s not my choice to be connected to gender concepts and express that through being a transgender man. Gender is a part of our human experience.

I’ve heard the “ this will make mom and dad implode “ and “ don’t tell them it will send them into a depression “ ...I had those fears as well because of their age. Continuing to hide and lie and stay away was not longer an option. So I disclosed and see life has gone on - really I am still the one left battling not them. It’s my fight - and my life , not theirs. I don’t expect a lot - and shouldn’t. It’s time I move on with my transition because in the end it’s not them that has to do the work - it’s mine to finish and my job to grow into the trans man I wish to be. A choice ...well , while all the other bio females were playing dolls or softball or smearing themselves in pink - I was pouring salt on slugs in the rain , blowing up ant hills with black cat firecrackers and gathering old 2 by 4s and nails and hammers to build myself a fort ..broke my first yearling at age 11 by myself in the meadow...pretended the dog was a horse and nailed my older brother in the head with a rock 3 times and a bottle rocket ...don’t feel bad for him , he split my chin open along with many other offenses - he deserved what he got. No one who knows me cannot deny the more positive changes - more responsible , stable and independent financially. To thine own self be true. Choose that or you’ll suffer no matter what your circumstances. Thanks Doc! Very strong content lately !

The only choice I've made is to NOT live as my authentic self. It's a choice I can no longer make

Willful ignorance: I don't know and I'm actively trying not to learn

I see people who say it's a choice as willfully ignorant. The information is out there, but they're choosing to not inform themselves so they don't have to challenge their worldview.. That said, being willfully ignorant is something only stupid people do 🤣

+DRZPHD *Thanks for a vid discussing others' reactions to sexual transitions.* Our fellow KZfaqr +Caroland14 uploaded a vid "TRANS WOMAN is born a GIRL and lives to tell about it, &c." 10 May 2021, alleging herself a born feminine temporarily trapped in a male body. And we know about the +GigiGorgeous success.

I feel like I am Too old to transition, I am nearly 50, plus getting a job being transgender is hard, I don't want to escort, even though I like sex a lot. and I don't want to be on onlyfans, nothing against people doing that, they make good money but it alot of pressure to do content every day, I don't think I could do that.

When someone tells me that it's a choice, I tell them that the only choice is to be honest or to lie. When someone tells me that I'm violating God's will, I tell them "God made me who I am, and who are you to argue with it (even though I'm an Atheist :)). I'm not sure if it convinces anyone, but it shuts them up. :) I am curious about a biological basis, though. There were a couple of studies done in the late 20th and early 21st century that showed hypothalmic BSTc numbers of mtf transwomen in the "female" range, and the one ftm transman in the "male" range. Apparently, there have been no followup studies in the intervening 20+ years. If there were, please let me know. (Of course, my area of expertise is Economics, not biology or psychology. :))

Dr Z are you trans? How did you become interested in helping us?

You can act transphobic and not be transphobic it's not thrown around, just an accurate description of the origin of someone's comment

Guilt

Being transgender is not a choice. It chooses you. What people can't grasp is the amount of time you basically debate with your self your feelings and why you feel. You seek professional help to find answers and medical reasons why you feel this way. Definitely not a decision you make lightly.

Is detransitioning a choice?

Transitioning IS a choice. There are plenty of feminine men and masculine women that decide to stay the gender they were born, because they believe the benefits of doing the surgery and taking the medications aren't worth the drawbacks. Being a choice isn't a bad thing, for some people transitioning is the right decision, but you should recognize that other people have feelings and desires too and that there are consequences to your actions. Can't you understand why a straight woman (or man) would be upset if they married a man (or woman) and then that person decided they wanted to be the other gender? I'm not saying that you shouldn't do it anyways if you really need to, but stop acting like your partner is evil for leaving you if you stop being what they want.