The Scapegoating Narcissist: There's A Whole Lot Of Projection Going On

Рет қаралды 158,594

4 жыл бұрын

When conflicts and differences arise, healthy people take responsibility, making reasonable adjustments. Narcissists, however, look for someone to blame. Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter explains how you can respond to the scapegoating narcissist, and it begins with an understanding of their use of projection onto you.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 39 years he has conducted over 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars.
Are you ready to break free from the controllers in your life? If so, sign up for Dr. Carters brand new course Free to Be HERE: survivingnarcissism.tv/go/fre...
Sign up for our SurvivingNarcissism email list and receive bonus videos, articles, and promotions: survivingnarcissism.tv
Books by Dr. Carter: store.bookbaby.com/book/When-...
www.amazon.com/When-Pleasing-...
www.amazon.com/Anger-Trap-You...
www.amazon.com/Enough-About-Y...
If you are interested in online counseling, Dr. Carter has a sponsor who can assist. As the need is there, please seek the help you deserve: betterhelp.com/drcarter
We receive commissions on referrals to BetterHelp. We only recommend services that we trust.
Dr. Carter's online video workshops on narcissism, anger management, and overcoming infidelity: drlescarter.com/video-workshops/
Coffee mugs: teespring.com/stores/survivin...
Dr. Carter's other KZfaq channel: / drlescarter

Пікірлер: 1 000

@ruebensfilms 4 жыл бұрын

"Your dealing with an individual who has a very child like response to life." Pretty much all you need to know about the inner workings of narcissism. It's a complete lack of maturity. Maturity comes through self reflection.

@isabelleparise5607 4 жыл бұрын

agree so true

@heartwisdomlove 4 жыл бұрын

ruebensfilms well it’s more than that Although the soul’s spiritual evolution could be stunted therefore their emotional growth is still that of a child and thus they fall prey to dark spiritual powers since they are for sure maleficent in their behavior ( Anyway there are hidden things going on behind the person’s human psyche )

@barbarawoods3905 4 жыл бұрын

They might have a distorted reflection of themselves or they perfectly aware of their flaws , just cannot accept them? By putting down, by tormenting somebody else, they feel better about themselves? Doing things that don't even make sense? That's why their behavior is opposite to order..not a normal, healthy way of living and interacting with fellow humans. Somethings they would express that " they don't feel anything " ..

@cindyirish2571 4 жыл бұрын

Barbara Woods They aren’t conscious like you or I. There is no one home upstairs-it’s all feeling based reactions.

@donnahilton471 4 жыл бұрын

@@barbarawoods3905 they want to be seen as a victim.

@thetemplelaboratory 4 жыл бұрын

"Unintelligent people always seek a scapegoat." ~Ernest Belvin

@SurvivingNarcissism 4 жыл бұрын

Ernest knew what he was talking about. Dr. C

@hisnewlife3543 4 жыл бұрын

I’ve also noticed how much they hate people. They actually have zero empathy for others.

@JoyZoneYT 4 жыл бұрын

Actually, they have selective emulated empathy, meaning that they will have razor sharp focus on you and your issues if they can gain something out of it.

@crissyharding-gac7523 4 жыл бұрын

My husband enables the drug addict and alcoholics for he in recovery for both! He loves to through slander towards others !

@AC-ew2xr 4 жыл бұрын

@Deplorable CatSame here...once upon a time i loved being around people. That's toast now and i await an underground apartment complex or cave to live in.

@KimEinAspen 4 жыл бұрын

Mark Kenny That’s awesome! Praise God! 🙌🏻❣️

@543sw 4 жыл бұрын

@Deplorable Cat In my country we say.." Passing Time is the best doctor for everything". I fully understand you, I am a victim too. From a BPD narc. I felt this with intense, the first months, and sometimes I feel it even now. But it will change. You will find your true shiny self, as long as you are starting to love yourself and give these monsters the place they deserve. Completely out of your mind, with no empathy for them. Not a single thought or an excuse for them and their behaviour. You are en empath. You have a TRUE own-self and you deserve....And you know it!

@Axess-sv8nq 4 жыл бұрын

NEVER go back to a narcissist. Walk and never look back! Stay gone and maintain no contact.

@bookworm8792 4 жыл бұрын

I wish. Not always poss when there is family, children, and the negotiation/sale of mutually owned property. And every single contact/meeting is set as an opportunity for more aggravation by that individual.

@Axess-sv8nq 4 жыл бұрын

Yeah, family members are tough. You just have to grey rock with them - don't react and don't get provoked when they pull their nonsense. The thrive on conflict. They fully enjoy fighting and drama.

@carriered4715 4 жыл бұрын

@@Axess-sv8nq Yes, it's So hard when it's your adult daughter, 😢

@ao2864 4 жыл бұрын

I've been battling this for 22 years? It's hard for me to breath sometimes

@jimanderson699 4 жыл бұрын

@@ao2864 , oh my goodness. I can completely relate . Sometimes I just consider all the nonsense that was caused , it overwhelms me. Deep breaths. Other days I'm just shadow boxing/ swinging at air .

@wifferste 4 жыл бұрын

There's a number of reasons why they do this: avoid responsibility, make themselves look good, and if culture plays a role, avoid losing face.

@charliebubbles9501 4 жыл бұрын

Strange how in the beginning of an intimate relationship the narcissist mirrors all the good traits of the target, a sort of reverse projection. But when devaluing the intimate partner they project all their negative traits onto the target. They really are very unaware of the irony of this behaviour.

@doves4christ4 4 жыл бұрын

Charlie Bubbles the narcissistic personality DOESN’T WANT to know of the irony of their behavior because they are hypocrites. 😉

@DunderMifflin_ThisisPam 4 жыл бұрын

This is exactly what happens.

@donnahilton471 4 жыл бұрын

OMG 😲 how true!

@loriegregory1032 4 жыл бұрын

Charlie Bubbles so spot on!

@ysanchez7292 4 жыл бұрын

good , true and precise words ..wow !! that is something new I didn't recognize it...definitely well put..

@gloriastroedecke2717 4 жыл бұрын

When scapegoating happens to you, move on. Your health is more important than approval from dubious people. You are so helpful. Thank you.

@doyleperkins4916 3 жыл бұрын

Move on when convenient. Otherwise, STAND YOUR GROUND.

@dianedeclare8541 3 жыл бұрын

there r so many dubious people. i am mixed race living in Vancouver Native Hsng., wherein 3 women on my floor conspired to get me evicted but i took picture of my damaged hand & went to emergency after one of them assaulted me so that she could not deny what she had done. I also experienced abuse from a narcissist. I acknowledge that i placed myself in a vulnerable position my accepting her invitation to Ecuador. Trip turned sour when she realized that i was not going to defer to & praise her everyday and how dare i disagree with her. Her controlling side (Dr. Jekyl?) came out. It was painful for me to feel the shunning that oozed from her flying monkeys of her tribe/girls gang. These videos have helped me tremendously. When r we gonna see your Gus awake, eh?

@joppekim 2 жыл бұрын

Yeah moving on if the narcissist is your boss is difficult.

@AZDC99 2 жыл бұрын

@@doyleperkins4916 Great advice! Because sometimes you can't just move on quite yet legally or whatever immediately. (Got to do what you've GOT to do, when you got to do it, and all)

@nerodiamante9441 4 жыл бұрын

A common deflection is "you're playing victim" "you're nuts", all the while saying that they're being bullied. It use to hurt but no more .

@Servo1616 3 жыл бұрын

Oh god, I understand this one. "You need to learn to take responsibility! Can't you see our problems are ALL YOUR FAULT!?!?!"

@dnk4559 2 жыл бұрын

I’m working on not hurting anymore. Or at least not dwelling on it afterward.

@LinNoOne 4 жыл бұрын

I needed to be reassured that it's okay to stop trying to make it work. To be reminded that the other person doesn't want to work it out. They just want me to keep acting as their convenient scapegoat. Thanks for that.

@sherrim4067 4 жыл бұрын

In a similar pattern myself. I've tried so hard for almost 10 years now.

@tonjatucker3534 4 жыл бұрын

I tried Ana tried to make it work and it’s EXHAUSTING !

@tonjatucker3534 4 жыл бұрын

After 12 years and then an actual mental breakdown I had to leave- don’t let it get to that point

@odette8905 4 жыл бұрын

@@sherrim4067 Make the brave decision to leave if you can - or there'll be another 10yrs of your life gone.

@loriegregory1032 4 жыл бұрын

the simul It’s OK to stop trying to make it work. Trust me I have been there. These people never will ever ever change

@suspiciousminds5847 4 жыл бұрын

The narcissist scapegoats you because he wants control over you by pushing the guiltbutton.

@rogalski86 4 жыл бұрын

Or she......tyvm

@christopherl67214 3 жыл бұрын

Suspicious Minds EXACTLY THE RELATIONSHIP I WAS IN! I NEVER lied and confessed everything I did wrong! Covert Narcissist is a PATHOLOGICAL LIAR!!

@muslimwarrior9891 3 жыл бұрын

Bruuhhh tysm I’m freed from the confusion ahahahah

@ginaheaton2203 4 жыл бұрын

I’m never willing to listen to someone that I think or know is a narcissus. I think letting those boundaries down are dangerous around a Narcissist. A Narcissist cannot be reasoned with. That’s what everyone needs to understand here.

@anitazakarian908 4 жыл бұрын

GINA, there is female DR on med circle that says this same thing about when she meets a NARC! YOU are wise!

@psychictruth5037 3 жыл бұрын

@@anitazakarian908 👏

@psychictruth5037 3 жыл бұрын

💯👏

@anitazakarian908 3 жыл бұрын

@@psychictruth5037 honestly I load up w/ DR Carter and DR Ramani on Narc abuse to help me heal. I love them DEARLY both.. both different in styles but both such a blessing from the HEAVENS!

@demigaines5644 4 жыл бұрын

Narcissists Need A Scapegoat To Abuse Belitte And Put Down. Because They Are So Incredibly Weak. selfish Ppl. They Need Constant Admiration And Love . They Will Constantly Put Others Down For There Own Self Importance.

@faithfultotheend5202 4 жыл бұрын

OH do i know what you mean i had a boss like that i all most had a nervous breakdown because of him they make you think there some thing wrong with yourself instead of them

@ggwoman 4 жыл бұрын

@@faithfultotheend5202 I too had a boss like that, and along with her flying monkeys, they did cause me to have a "nervous breakdown" after several years. My doctors were understanding and tried their best to help. Bottom line for anyone in this position is gtfo!

@tamartabatadze9305 4 жыл бұрын

I was so sirprised, shocked by his blaming me, humilating, , i started to lose my seld esteem , congidence

@demigaines5644 4 жыл бұрын

Tamar Tabatadze I’m So Very Sorry I Understand

@demigaines5644 4 жыл бұрын

ggwoman I’m So Very Sorry For Your Pain.😢😢 How R You Doing Know.?

@areilly2496 4 жыл бұрын

Instead of just being HONEST, from the beginning....they scapegoat,blame and waste up your time!!

@dsmusicbird 4 жыл бұрын

Waste your time, energy, efforts, care, sensitivity, love, whatever else...

@karenzilverberg4699 4 жыл бұрын

A Reilly - Some say it is because they, the narcissist, does not know what they want therefore wasting their life and ours is of no regard to them.

@user-yz8lg3bo3y 4 жыл бұрын

Blame, shame, humiliation... then there's 'But I forgive you' Then to themselves, 'my image is more important than you'

@kareltje7211 4 жыл бұрын

A narcisist needs an admirer when things have gone right and they need applause. And they need a scapegoat then things have gone the other way and they need some to put the blame on. It is mine when it is good. It is yours when it is not. simple as that.

@rocknrollsevildoll 2 жыл бұрын

Oh wow that's exactly what my boss used to do. If something went well he'd take credit. If something went wrong he would say he had no idea why that happened, even if he had explicitly instructed it. We had to start recording video meetings so we could keep a record of his decisions and instructions.

@fingerprint5511 4 жыл бұрын

When you realise you just want peace and recognize that doing that around unconcious people means you are a scapegoat ... then you realize you have been doing this since a child due to narcissist parents. A real eye opener! Dr. Carter seriously, you deserve a Nobel Peace Prize or something. Thanks to you so much tangled cognitive and emotional triggering has been revealed. Thank you seems trite but it's from my soul 🙏

@barbarabrennan1753 4 жыл бұрын

Free with insults. Humiliates in front of others.

@ezrc9294 4 жыл бұрын

Projection is scary , when it is believed by the covert narcissist and reinforced by her flying monkies with persecution of a single target. SCARY I tell you. You are so correct, they believe you deserve scorn, blame, shame, guilt, persecution, isolation and punishment. Living alone in this when I was younger, I have to tell you - it was a mystery to me what was going on- and it was pure psychological torture.

@prescottlady290 4 жыл бұрын

The best armor against falling prey to being scapegoated is to build your own identity. It is up to you to define who you are, so you don't accept the labels that others may try to pin on you. If you are a parent, invest the time in helping your child to realize this concept, telling them about values like integrity and respect, compassion for those less fortunate, and so on. My life has been one of surviving one narcissist after another, and I have invested much time into spiritual growth, Christianity. It is transformative, in every way, helps you rise above the mire of popular opinion, and gives depth and purpose to a life that was once a shambles.

@stevejohnson747 2 жыл бұрын

Excellent advice

@rebekahbeare6186 4 жыл бұрын

I have cut most of my family members out of my life for those very reasons. I am not willing to be a scapegoat, and never will. I was the scapegoat in my younger ages, I turned 18 and said no more no thank you. I continue to be me no matter what folks think of me.

@jassett132 4 жыл бұрын

A narcissist definitely needs a scapeGOAT so they can be a great Wolf in SHEEP clothing!!

@vadimlevashov3812 4 жыл бұрын

No, this isn't why they need a scapegoat. It is because it's too painful for them admitting their own errors. They're afraid deep inside that one they admit their own badness to themselves they will hate themselves, even to the point of suicide. For their self-esteem is very very low.

@AZDC99 4 жыл бұрын

@@vadimlevashov3812 sorry but that sounds a bit too rationalizing THEIR MADNESS. Do that nonsense and you'll be like I USED TO BE and putting up with THEM for a few too many months or years. Stop making excuses for them. PULEEZE stop. I'm not buying IT anymore because I used to have to run around my own bullshit excuses I made for them. There's a fine line between being an empath and a DOORMAT!

@karenzilverberg4699 4 жыл бұрын

Jassett Treasure Stewart - Well stated!

@karenzilverberg4699 4 жыл бұрын

@@vadimlevashov3812 Same thoughts different words.

@naturefleur2062 4 жыл бұрын

1. When possible, speak up 2. When necessary, be decisive ”I’ll stick with my initiatives” 3. When you’re scorned, hold on to your dignity 4. When there is a collapse, be willing to move on “Scapegoaters have poor insight and won’t grow. They don’t have the ability to adjust and shift. You focus on being your healthy individual.”

@faithfultotheend5202 4 жыл бұрын

You have such a loving way of saying it like a grand father thank you so much for sharing your wisdom

@Misslotusification 4 жыл бұрын

Or like a father... I'm lucky, Dr. Carter looks just like mine did, which make his appearances even more enjoyable.

@DevorahTafus 4 жыл бұрын

@@Misslotusification That's weird - he looks just like my father did sometimes too.

@jareya 4 жыл бұрын

james gilbert I really appreciate this about Dr Carter, you can tell he really cares about his viewers.

@faithfultotheend5202 4 жыл бұрын

@@jareya indeed

@enricosanchez894 3 жыл бұрын

I feel he could've played Mike Brady's dad on the Brady Bunch.

@suzanne4396 2 жыл бұрын

My flaw first and foremost, is trusting him, believing him, giving him the benefit of the doubt ... and loving him. Loving him first, before Me.

@brightpage1020 4 жыл бұрын

“They don’t have that kind of honesty” - or insight? Or motivation, or willingness... the message is sinking in. We can’t expect anything from folks they might not be capable of.

@SurvivingNarcissism 4 жыл бұрын

Or all the above. Dr. C

@sandycarlyonroubal4898 4 жыл бұрын

Thank you. When I feel like I’m being too hard on my poor narcissist, I need to hear this. Over and over.

@lisaroy551 4 жыл бұрын

I was married 28 years to a scapegoating N; and only when he chose the greatest friend to our marriage, my brother as his target did I finally see him for what he was. Incredibly mean and immature; he gathered his flying monkeys (easy because we owned a business and he had them on payroll) and he built case after case of false accusations. It cost him our marriage and ultimately he ran the business into the ground. I watch these videos because the codependent me was so confused by the manipulative behavior; I wonder how I stayed as long as I did. It blew up when our youngest went to college, and I stopped wearing an agreeable mask. When I stopped allowing him to see himself as superior; I became the loathed one. How magnificent life is outside that toxicity! I have been gone 16 blissful years.

@maryjoliebl7963 4 жыл бұрын

I left my narcissistic husband 4 years ago. I’ve just recently started to be able to educate myself. It took a few years to just be able to breathe. I was punished for 27 years. Thank you! Your videos are helping me come to terms with what I’ve been through. And to stop feeling responsible. My healing has finally started. God bless 🤗

@grrrr4b Жыл бұрын

"Punished" I'm sorry you had this experience, That's how I felt for 34yrs. It was when our oldest daughter who was 13 said to me "dad, I think mom's purpose in life is to make sure you're always miserable, never be happy and not to feel loved". That made me think, it hit so hard coming from my child, I felt ashamed thinking about the toxic environment I kept them in and the negative impacts it's had on their lives. I escaped 2yrs ago, feels like the healing process will never end. Hopefully some day all us survivors will find happiness and know what real love feels like.

@Anchorman0427 4 жыл бұрын

This stuff is gold. It's a very therapeutic was to spend a lunch hour. Watch enough of these and you end up feeling pity for these people despite all the reasons they have given us to hate them. It's actually kind of sad. Bottom line is that these people aren't going to change regardless of the type of narcissist they are so his last point about "when the relationship collapses, walk away" is usually what you end up doing unless there is something that forces this person to be in your life (in-law, hockey parent, co-worker). The out comes the sand box and you don't let them in. It may sting them at 1st to realize they aren't welcome in your life anymore but they will get over it because they are shallow and self absorbed.

@lissacablerware8475 4 жыл бұрын

Pat Maguire yes

@godsservant6649 4 жыл бұрын

Thank you, Dr C! You nailed it! My ex of 28 years has turned our 3 adult children against me. He got remarried. I didn’t. Now he is telling our children that the divorce was all my fault. That he didn’t want the divorce when for years he would tell me to “take the kids and get out.” Then when he started becoming more and more angry, raging and rushing at me and told me to “just get the papers done” and I did, he was shocked. He continued the abuse during a 2 year custody battle during which he told an acquaintance that his goal was to leave me bankrupt and homeless with 3 kids to support! Thanks for helping me see that he is not normal and that I am better for having gotten away. Blessings to you and yours. Thank you.

@odette8905 4 жыл бұрын

One day, I hope your children will listen to your truth and reconsider their decisions. You've done so well to get clear of him. Blessings to you.

@nancyalywahby2784 4 жыл бұрын

YEAH GOAL to make you bankrupt

@lifeisbeautiful5559 4 жыл бұрын

Loved what you said about if someone is intent on blaming/scapegoating you...make sure they spell your name right! Hah! That typifies letting their “stuff” roll off of you like water on a duck’s back. I like your pluck Dr. Carter without minimizing the devastation these people cause their friends and loved ones your talks are peppered with humor and levity. It makes working through this slosh of the aftermath more tolerable. For me at least I’m likely to remember a good point punctuated by kindness and humor. Thanks so much!

@tonjatucker3534 4 жыл бұрын

I love your down home Texan voice with all your “right to the point” advice, wisdom and knowledge. I lived with a narc. Scapegoat and it was horrible. He blamed everyone else all the time - including me- EXHAUSTING!

@victoriapierscinski4529 4 жыл бұрын

As always spot on and illuminating! I love your “take the high road” approach to life. Grateful for all your wise words❤️

@karenzilverberg4699 4 жыл бұрын

Victoria Pierscinski - Well stated.

@bumblebeethoughts9753 3 жыл бұрын

Sooooooo well stated!!!!! I fail miserably so many times. When it comes to the high road. I practiced the high road quietness for over a decade now. I LOVE YOUR COMMENT! You reminded me that I’ve fallen off of that road.... the “high” one!!!! THANK YOU! I’ve become so defeated I started to emulate my narc just to “pretend” or “think” I was making ground. I’ve been failing miserably. Losing myself. Thank you!!!! I hope you are well.

@yvonnemariehorvatr.h.n.nut3315 3 жыл бұрын

honestly. it is hard to swallow how you get trapped with being a relationship wuth a narrastic person. The healing is difficult 😪 because they need to be honest and fess up. Which of course is not likely to have happen

@marywilsonvocalist2181 3 жыл бұрын

@@bumblebeethoughts9753 I'm giggling at the competitive response...ha ha don't wear that hat!!

@c.aamold 4 жыл бұрын

This makes me want to cry, I was feeling good going to my parents and had to be in the car with my mom and I was strong but she guilt tripped me so hard for the choice that she made and blamed it all on me and I froze and didnt get to say what I wanted to, made me feel like all the research and videos ive watched went to waste because i felt powerless right there. Ive been beating myself up so hard the past few days...thank god I clicked on this. Your work has helped me so much, I'll just keep being myself and eventually I'll stand up correctly....because im pretty sure I'll hear it all from her again anyhow.

@tamigarnerwisnesky9943 2 жыл бұрын

Its not your fault. You said " her discussion !! Remember. Every thing that comes out of her mouth has nothing to do with you, she doesn't want to take responsibility for her wrongs & wants to put them on you. Its hard but just let all her bs go in 1 ear out for good from the other. ❣🐸

@karenturner20 4 жыл бұрын

Cutting my head off so you can appear taller doesn't help us grow! I just love your loving approach on this subject...you are you and I am me, if we can't find a way to harmonize with our differences than I am willing to walk away so that we can both be happy and remain ourselves. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong or good or bad, it's about peace. If these Narcs are so unhappy with me and I make there life so miserable then I'll be the bigger person and stop the relationship since they can't seem to do it!!!

@janiceweed9198 4 жыл бұрын

Karen, this is great!

@karenturner20 4 жыл бұрын

@Wendy Jones .....correct, let's not walk away mad, let's just walk away agreeing to disagree...they are entitled to their opinion as much as I am entitled to mine......once you know yourself and who you are, nothing else really matters!!! Life is all yours at that point!!!! Go for it, u deserve it!!!!

@karenturner20 4 жыл бұрын

@Wendy Jones ....sounds to me like there is comparison and competition that you didn't sign up for. Let them be them. They are under no obligation to meet our expectations and we have no obligation to meet theirs. I don't think there is anything wrong with just saying that this friendship isn't working for me but I do appreciate the time we spent together and wish them well. Enjoy your wellness, weight loss journey and freedom in peace. Life's journey is sooo much better and effortless without them in it....sending you much love and light. Warmest regards.

@karenturner20 4 жыл бұрын

Thank you Janice. Wishing you peace and harmony.

@sonyalynch8032 4 жыл бұрын

Thank you. Seriously. I needed this affirmation today. I’m going to move on about my day and worry about my happiness .

@brusselsprout5851 4 жыл бұрын

Good luck to you, Sonya.

@Miss_Wonderful1 4 жыл бұрын

I so love the way you portray the narcissist; you do make them look like the brats they are. Again, thanks for your videos. I would be here crying my eyes out if it wasn't for them!

@BunnyUK 4 жыл бұрын

I like the simple statement at the beginning, that all humans are flawed. Kind of reminds me of something Winston Churchill said, like "Very few plans survive human contact".

@Tiamoya23 4 жыл бұрын

"Make sure you get the name right..." love that ;)

@joh37get Жыл бұрын

"When there is a collapse, be willing to move on." Thank you, Dr C. I have spent too much time and energy believing the difficulties were my fault .

@Mike-xt2lh 4 жыл бұрын

You're so correct Dr.Carter I've been scapegoated for a very long time from narcissistic childish people who just want to cause havoc in my life . Looking forward to the next premiere .

@marti-greciaodalyz8786 4 жыл бұрын

so have i! you've said this precisely! "childish" is the keyword!!!

@Mike-xt2lh 4 жыл бұрын

@@iniubongnkanga9390 Spammer alert block block block Matt Karl's other name . Matt Karl stop following me on every forum I watch .

@anitazakarian908 4 жыл бұрын

Mike, I was a scapegoated child too, now I am 51. How are you doing these days? Staying strong I hope! ;)

@marykoch1611 4 жыл бұрын

Oh yes...the Narcissist I am dealing with actually blamed my son who did nothing wrong...could not take responsibility. In hindsight wish I would have stood up for my son even though he is an adult, however my intuition tells me this is better dealt with when I leave this situation and than I can speak my mind...too many times since I moved here I have had to stand up to him, its exhaustive to say the least. Narcissist live in their own World and truly do not care about your feelings!

@deborahseaman8470 4 жыл бұрын

It's hard to get out but once you do, you start to heal and get some perspective. Then you see how bad it really is. Please get out asap. I send you a lot of love.

@wheelerpat8 4 жыл бұрын

Its not that they don’t care about your feelings. They are completely unaware that others have feelings. They have ZERO empathy.

@avasangel5559 4 жыл бұрын

@@deborahseaman8470 You are so right.. I'm in a situation where my finances dictate where my cat companion & I can afford to live. I'm retired & on Social Security, live with my older brother , his adult son (caregiver) & my sis n law an extreme NARC. My very nice brother & my nephew have surrendered & become the flying monkeys. I see he realizes to a small degree of that he has conformed, but still I hear arguments where he'll say, why are you so difficult, or, if you would listen you might understand or , you nevwr admit when you're wrong.. after that a few choice cuss words. A couple of hours, he's doubting himself & feeling guilty for yelling & then feels bad he mad her upset .. Round & round. I moved in 3 years ago. And she faked me out at first, I shared things that made me happy & she claimed same things. Longer story short, she gathered all my wants & likes & used it all against me in a spectacular performance & show of experienced manipulation.. bought a new house with the exact opposite of the things We talked about, that I foolishly revealed. Is saying I'm too lonely & to make sure I spend more time with her cult group of 3 & 5 when niece & hubby come over. I' it's a collective identity, cult & my brother does not see the depth of her scams, scheming smirks in the corner of her mouth when she's thinking you are foolish. I eventually figured it out when I reacted naturally to one of her victim type stories sided with my brother & i see she upped her game from that time. I honestly never met a True Narc before, I am 62 & WOW, this has been a lesson. I have a Fear that is troubling me at my core. How much of this deep negativity can I deflect , ward off & how much is it changing me? I'm empathic & absorb mood energies from even people I pass on the street. I have gotten physically older & get sick alot, gained 40 pounds posting up in my room all the time to avoid. Still feel neg coming thru the door though. I dont know what to do except go homeless. Have taken that idea into perspective. Ty that's all. ✌🏻

@doves4christ4 4 жыл бұрын

Ava's Angel 555 you have my prayers and God bless your heart! Narcissistic personality disorders are an emotional cancer in our society. 😉

@deborahseaman8470 4 жыл бұрын

@@avasangel5559 I am so sorry and I can commiserate with you. I am 63,my best friend for the past 30 years is a narcissist and 6 years ago I finally realized it. He still comes after me trying to make me the reason he is miserable. Ha! I must be sooo powerful! Ava there is hope for you. You do not have to be a victim. Me and my cat live alone in low income housing. I am an empath,an intuitive. I am an INFJ an introvert. I would rather be happy alone than tortured by others. Think about it. I will pray for you.

@Clintthecoolguy 4 жыл бұрын

Great video, as always! To me, the only good thing about being a scapegoat from the original biblical perspective is the scapegoat is the one that literally escapes with his life. It kind of applies to us human survivors too!

@DevorahTafus 4 жыл бұрын

Never thought of it that way, you're right! Everyone else sacrifices themselves to please the narcissist.

@Clintthecoolguy 4 жыл бұрын

Devorah T. That’s true too! Best wishes to you :)

@mday3821 Жыл бұрын

Great point! It has to be better than a flying monkey.

@sugarbum99 4 жыл бұрын

You also have a kind face and probably a kind soul to go with it ❤ thank you

@twopurringcats 4 жыл бұрын

My parents made me their scapegoat all of my life. They took turns verbally beating me up every day. At 12, I was told by a therapist that I shouldn't listen to them and that it was best to not respond because I'd be attacked for whatever I said (exactly). Throughout the years I stayed in therapy and endured their endless put downs until I moved far away to escape them. Mom called and dished abuse until I finally stopped taking her calls. When I moved back to my hometown, they resumed their garbage but I went no contact. They only got more angry, vicious and scapegoating/trying to make their friends hate me and comparing me to people (with myself as the "loser", if course). I have a good life, home and job. People respect me. I finally let go because it was too much. Word to the wise..narcs don't care what you say or think. And they get worse in time.

@kareltje7211 4 жыл бұрын

i admire you for enduring all their BS and at the same time keeping yourself sane and on the right track.

@twopurringcats 4 жыл бұрын

@@kareltje7211 Thank you. :) It's been a long journey but I've learned a lot to help myself in the process.

@brightpage1020 4 жыл бұрын

“I don’t know how to introspect.” This explains a lot for me. Thank you!

@IsadoraDoll22 4 жыл бұрын

Dr. Carter, why is it so that we seem to collect people like this anyplace we go? Whether it’s sentimentally, at work, co-workers, bosses, admirers .... I am really asking myself: is there something in me, some qualities that trigger other people’s insecurities and after a while they cannot bear to have me close to them and they need to destroy or manipulate me? I seem to end up pulling out narcissistic and slightly sadistic tendencies from way too many people. Fortunately not from all, I have also a majority of GREAT relationships. But the number of sick people seems also very high. Why do some of us attract this like flowers attract bees?

@SurvivingNarcissism 4 жыл бұрын

Make sure you watch the video, Are You A Narcissist Magnet? Dr. C

@IsadoraDoll22 4 жыл бұрын

Surviving Narcissism thank You, very useful!

@a.y.7738 2 жыл бұрын

So true this is, no personal responsibility, they do have an image to uphold so you are the scapegoat.

@broGabiza 4 жыл бұрын

Great advice Doc! I had this same problem when I ended up in a divorce with a narc. I was the bad individual who deserved to be ostracised. When I was being called all sorts of names , I just left it to God and focused on myself. It was not easy because I lost a lot of friends in the process.

@akint29 4 жыл бұрын

You actually had friends? By the time I realized what I was dealing with, not many friends left.... to busy catering to this person's every need!

@Corinna_Schuett_GER 4 жыл бұрын

@Maren G 👍👍👍👍 absolutely!

@anitazakarian908 4 жыл бұрын

This is what I am doing doing..handing it ALL over to GOD and asking for grace to lean forward and be the most loving and best ME ever.

@joanneschultz5297 4 жыл бұрын

l have been with a narcissist for 14 years & he never blames himself, always my fault. He is proud of it.

@terrymassie7656 6 ай бұрын

I was told, "what others think about me is none of my business"

@gammalight1312 4 жыл бұрын

Opening the can of worms, hoping to find they're actually made of candy

@vals74 4 жыл бұрын

Gamma Light - yes, guilt is a major result when you reject the narcissist.

@mandysimmons2769 4 жыл бұрын

great now I'm craving gummy worms. LOL just kiddn.

@brusselsprout5851 4 жыл бұрын

They're not made of candy. They're poison. You're being gaslighted and hope is just one more thing that makes you their sap.

@gammalight1312 4 жыл бұрын

@@mandysimmons2769 the neon delicacy is a critical tool for decompression, if you ask me ;)

@brusselsprout5851 4 жыл бұрын

@@mandysimmons2769 off topic but I've discovered organic maple syrup! Yum! I'm baking awesome bread with it too.

@LG-kx8xl 4 жыл бұрын

All true! They are sad individuals who are never really happy unless they can control everything & of course thats not possible all the time. What does amaze me is they hate people who can find joy in some things even when all is not good because we learn how to cope with life's ups & downs and they think we're stupid for the ability to be happy despite challenges.

@missstacey2946 4 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for making these videos. It helps so much, cant express it.

@Dastardly_X 4 жыл бұрын

🌟

@karenzilverberg4699 4 жыл бұрын

Miss Stacy - Well stated.

@debbiecarson6958 4 жыл бұрын

He’s Aware He’s Being Evaluated Now He’s Answering Me , Still Evasive Though , Wasn’t To Happy About Me Seeking Advice 🕊

@RattleTheGates 4 жыл бұрын

Can you do a video about isolation? How the narcissist isolates you (what to watch for) and how to overcome it...? Thanks.

@saftateri3346 4 жыл бұрын

I can't begin to count how many times I've heard, "Everyone knows that everything wrong with our family is because of you." That's a horribly heavy load to carry.

@SurvivingNarcissism 4 жыл бұрын

That's classic scapegoating. Dr. C

@sandrashaw6298 4 жыл бұрын

Yeah. I heard that once - normally it hasn’t been so explicit. I had just come back from 2years overseas. So I asked my family member, “if it’s all my fault, then I guess everything was perfect for the 2 years I was gone?” To which she said No. I’ll admit, I felt vindicated and it felt GOOD! It’s been hard to learn to stick up for myself appropriately.

@nancylenander5646 4 жыл бұрын

You are so good! Thank you for what you do. Wish I had had your videos early in life. Maybe I wouldn't have married not one but two Narcissists.

@naomianomaly8540 4 жыл бұрын

One thing that has truly helped me is realizing Jesus came to destroy the works of narcissism specifically. Not only was Christ filled with empathy beyond measure; but it was narcissists who nailed him to the cross, narcissists who expected him to stay there and narcissists who lied their faces off when he didn’t. For the sake of their egos and reputations that meant more to them than people finding life. “Little children, you are from God and have overcome them; for greater is he who is in you than he who is in the world.”

@heatherlynn3438 4 жыл бұрын

Naomi Anomaly Praise Jesus! I would be DEAD if not for His Word to SAVE me from these fiends!! I ❤️Jesus!!

@naomianomaly8540 4 жыл бұрын

Heather Lynn :)

@purpleiguana208 3 жыл бұрын

"Make sure you spell my name right." Oh, that was just Dr. C winning the internet for the day. :D

@justmeandmyrucksack 3 жыл бұрын

I just don't understand why police, lawyers, hospital staff, courtroom workers, judges, are not forced to learn about narcissists and their scapegoating. If they did, there may be less cold case murders.

@sage9836 4 жыл бұрын

Dr. C has a way of talking about these things that makes me not feel like being a jerk in return, which is what the narc wants you to do. That said, I want to share the silly rhyme kids said when called names: "I'm rubber, and you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!" I mean, you'd get nowhere saying that to a narc, but it's a funny thought. Logically, they have an awareness of their faults since it is those exact items they project. If they could own that knowledge, wow. What an insightful person a narc could become. Also, I didn't realize until seeing the title of this video that there is a connection between scapegoating and projection. Eager to learn!

@missstacey2946 4 жыл бұрын

Said so well.

@joec1212 4 жыл бұрын

If narcissists spent one fourth of the time trying to be a good person that they spend trying to be in control and manipulate they would be the second coming of ghandi.

@sideswiped6874 4 жыл бұрын

some times the narcissist will tell about him self, but you have to recognize it. my brother once told me he had a hard time understanding who he is, he said he had a hard time "understanding why his consciousness was in this body"

@caroladderley5818 4 жыл бұрын

That’s so funny, I was taking of exactly that rhyme in relation to someone with strong narcissist tendencies.

@anitazakarian908 4 жыл бұрын

So, Is scapegoating the outcome of projection and that person was just the NARC target?

@missstacey2946 4 жыл бұрын

Rarely I seem to be firmly grounded and comfortable with where I am, is it one step forward, then some regression, getting free of all of this? Love it when the light shines through, mostly, though, seems seems I'm in a pit.

@zamyrabyrd 4 жыл бұрын

Exactly the way I feel most of the time. But WE CAN OVERCOME!!!

@loripeters5304 4 жыл бұрын

Knowledge is power. You will get your footing, and you will be able to climb out of the pit. It takes time. You are retraining your brain. Stay tuned into Dr Carter. You will be amazed at how quickly you will grow. God bless you.

@manmanman4825 4 жыл бұрын

So much wisdom and insight condensed into so litte time. Wonderful. Thank you!

@kellyleighread807 4 жыл бұрын

"Having imperfections is not my imagine". My narcsissist abusive ex husband was this. He took my energy, my love, my pleasure & threw it & me away.

@nonibbs 4 жыл бұрын

I understand you having tried to hanging in on your marriage but I promise you there is life which is still worth living, there is still fun to be had. And the sun will shine again too.Strength to you!

@starlightsky655 4 жыл бұрын

Feel tormented when I’m around them and such a relief when they’re not. I’ve gone no contact for now and I feel like I’m on holiday. I know I have to deal with this person at some point but is very difficult as they can’t take input, it becomes so frustrating I just want to get out of there and run for my life! 🙁

@vicbaker8367 4 жыл бұрын

Ha ha. Make sure you spell my name right! After nearly 40 years of being called “Hey”, I installed a boundary. If you cannot use my name, I won’t answer. It feels very weird to hear my own name in my house . Dr. C, thanks for all you do.

@bonnieforman9700 3 жыл бұрын

"If they want to designate you as a scapegoat, my attitude is - make sure you spell the name right." LOL! What a riot! Love it.

@lifewithapurpose237 2 жыл бұрын

²⁰aug: "When there are more tears than smiles, leave. When there are more fights than jokes, leave. When it hurts more than it feels good leave. They don't have the right to destroy you just because you love them. And loving them doesn't mean you have to stay." - ʟɪғᴇ ʟᴇꜱꜱᴏɴ

@uyoebyik 3 жыл бұрын

As the scapegoat, you never get any answers from your abusive family

@makesnodifference 2 жыл бұрын

But getting answers from Dr. Carter counts

@chante707 Жыл бұрын

Projection and gaslighting are two major tactics used in emotional abuse. Projection is the act of placing unacceptable feelings or unacceptable wants or desires onto another person. For example, a person who feels inferior constantly accuses others of being stupid or incompetent.

@christopherduggan6272 4 жыл бұрын

absolute facts in this episode, can't even put into words how accurate you describe the situation I have dealt with in the past.

@anitazakarian908 4 жыл бұрын

I feel like DR Carter was a observer in my own NARC chaos..because he gets all the mess of it, down to how they have disdain for us and devalue us and are dismissive, gas light us, scape goat, ridicule us like we are utter idiots, control and use household funds abusively, On and ON DR Carter gets it and he is clear and clean with explaining it all. It is so deeply healing! Someone said DR Carter has a PhD, I say who cares about that... sorry but my NARC DAD grad from DUKE with a PhD so it takes more then a PhD to get it right, and DR Carter LOVES PEOPLE that is why he gets it RIGHT! I am forever grateful and he and Laura can wear my crown as well as their own in heaven! Sometimes people are gifts from GOD!

@monalisa2662 4 жыл бұрын

I have a game I play with the narcissists in my life... how many steps will it take before they find a way to blame me... 1 step, 2 steps, 3 steps...??? Usually 3 steps or less. If something has gone wrong... it will ultimately be my fault. (at least according to them)

@RioMissPam 4 жыл бұрын

Thank you, Dr. Carter. I highly recommend your book, "When Pleasing You is Killing Me". I pray and am taking time to go through your book, answer questions, write notes, etc. I'm learning a lot; in both areas, where I need help and confidence in myself and that I've grown past a lot of the people-pleasing tendencies that I used to burden myself. Thank you again for your help for us all that want to learn.

@SurvivingNarcissism 4 жыл бұрын

I'm glad you're answering the questions at the end of the chapters. I put them there so the info could become more personalized. Good luck moving forward! Dr. C

@sherrim4067 4 жыл бұрын

I agree it's a terrific read.

@GP-mw9nj 4 жыл бұрын

It has happened to me for far too long. I have now taken it to HR.

@faithfultotheend5202 4 жыл бұрын

good luck i know were your coming from i had a boss that drove me nuts but got no help

@sanderossi8013 4 жыл бұрын

I live with one and have four young kids :( :( :( the level of verbal aggression is insane. Screaming. Yelling. Putting me down. Talking bad about me in front of the kids. Just insane how bad people can be and the fact that I am with this person for over ten years and all this time I brainwashed myself she’d grow up, makes me even more sad. I am totally not perfect. But this...noone deserves.

@impactajuvenile 3 жыл бұрын

Focus on those that love you and are honest with you. Don’t spend your precious life and it’s time on those who don’t love or have the ability to love and support you.

@stefaandecroo6774 4 жыл бұрын

Dear DR. Carter, You did it again. Priceless information as always. Thank You Very Much. With Love and Gratitude. Looking forward for the next insightfull video.

@SurvivingNarcissism 4 жыл бұрын

Received, and thanks! Dr. C

@stefaandecroo6774 4 жыл бұрын

@@SurvivingNarcissism All Pleasure Is Mine. Thank You Sir.

@debbiecarson6958 4 жыл бұрын

Especially. when It’s Connected To The Hive Mind 🕊

@captainrankin6865 4 жыл бұрын

Yeah, their demonic hive mind - they are possessed, truly, truly ... jump up, walk & run away!

@tori2dles 4 жыл бұрын

What’s a “hive mind?”

@captainrankin6865 4 жыл бұрын

@@tori2dles Think of it just like artificial intelligence, these demonic POS's are all connected at some level. You know how they all act the same, right? Same behavior. Hive mind, group think, no individuality, no individual souls - they are one part of a large demonic force. Think of it like THE BORG from Start Trek ... Hope this helps

@captainrankin6865 4 жыл бұрын

@@marlinadykema6474 I think you got it right, thank you!

@umchinagirard1800 4 жыл бұрын

A lot of the collective conscious enable Narcs to Scapegoat because they don’t yet have models or examples of how to stop Scapegoating. We need stories to specificity show a group growing awareness of the unethical scapegoat bullying behaviour and choosing to reject the lead narcissist. Children’s picture book or games might help educate people about the hidden scapegoat mechanism.

@charlenethomas9079 4 жыл бұрын

I love the term "flying monkeys". That would be my mother and brother.

@AlwaysStampinVideos 4 жыл бұрын

Thank you for your videos, Dr. Carter (and Laura)! You’ll never believe how i came across your channel. My narcissistic husband (separated for two and 1/2 years now and at a stage of semi- no contact- if there is such a thing.) Yes indeed... we had to meet to make a decision concerning one of our children and i asked how he had been. He told me he found your station and “very much appreciated” the helpful information you gave. He said you highly suggested the narcissist have an accountability partner (which i immediately thought might have been BS as I’ve told him time and time again he doesn’t need an accountability partner when it comes to certain behaviors in life but that he simply need to be respectful of me and his children!) He made it sound like your channel was specifically to “help the narcissist change their behaviors.” I couldn’t wait to get home to look up your channel! After having recently traveled to and from the state of IN and FL to deliver one of my kids to college, i think I’ve listened to almost all of your videos. It’s confirmed my narcissistic husband is “full of it.” But wow... the encouragement i gained from the two of you on that road trip, as well as the confirmations and new knowledge... invaluable! Thank you!

@tomekamontegue5122 4 жыл бұрын

Hello, this was my exact message for the day! I needed those words and they resonated all through my soul. The narcissist is in “punishment “ mode bc I’m standing up for myself. I haven’t come down off my decision and they aren’t use to that. They are use to me humbling myself, apologizing for whatever and, trying to make them happy again. But I’ve realized that I never get what I need in that deal. So last night I was awakened at 230am and could not get back to sleep. My thoughts were that maybe I should just call them and see if we can just forget all this and make our situation work. But even as I thought that I fought it at the same time and I didn’t give in! Then, this morning seeking out some encouragement and strength I saw this video!!! Dr. Les YOU are my guardian angel!! I felt like you had sat me down, held my hand and built me back up!! I’m so grateful for these videos. Everything you said is true and this has been my life with the narcissist for over 20 years. I love myself, I do love who I am. I am a great person and an AMAZING WOMAN who deserves good things and fair treatment. That’s what I’m standing by. No matter what I’m not going to cave in under pressure to this person. If I have to leave with nothing I’ll be proud to be holding on to my dignity and self worthiness. Thank you Dr. Les I appreciate you so much.

@Suzu52 4 жыл бұрын

We all deserve the best, on OUR terms.

@badomaji 4 жыл бұрын

Tomeka Montegue Stay strong. You deserve the love and kindness you give out in return. 🍀

@tomekamontegue5122 4 жыл бұрын

Bado Maji Thank you 🙏🏽

@sallylee4647 2 жыл бұрын

Amazing. Thank you. I was married to this person. He pinned things on me and our son. He never made a mistake. If something was lost it wasn't his fault even though when he was done with a project, he never put away the tools. It was like the lower slaves=us=cleaned up after him. Made me look bad in front of the kids and behind my back. So ugly and abusive especially to me and especially to my son behind MY back. Such a monster.

@tonyvass8143 3 жыл бұрын

They will never take responsibility, once your out of their control and can think freely you will look at all of the times they projected their own shame onto you, as hard as it is walk away.. thanks Dr C

@misscboogie 4 жыл бұрын

I am impressed that you can consistently produce such high quality videos. I learn something new every time that I listen to you! Thank you!

@SurvivingNarcissism 4 жыл бұрын

Pleased! Dr. C

@clarekuehn4372 4 жыл бұрын

They need to express, fully honestly, their blame: a massive rage, with talking blame or rage, unending. They're not honest about it, except their rage. You're right.

@Barneyjo 4 жыл бұрын

No matter what I say even if it is something like ... “ the sky sure is beautiful today” he will have a comment to slightly change what I said. Sooo aggravating!

@missstacey2946 4 жыл бұрын

Yes, I find with npd or flying monkey you cant have conversation, whatever I say goes through their filter, schema, and comes out something different. No real communication.

@maryannesweet8824 4 жыл бұрын

I used to joke that he would argue the sky is red. I had no clue how dangerous he really is

@cherrybacon3319 3 жыл бұрын

When I kept going back to him I didn't realise it was my own fault to so some extent. The Victim has to take responsibility for their own actions, and decide for themselves what they want. What I wanted was him, but what I needed was me. I chose me. 🍒

@freeforall6427 4 жыл бұрын

I’ve been a scapegoat all my live in all my environments. I’m use to it.

@Suzu52 4 жыл бұрын

Me, too.....but time to get over it....it ll cost you a few relationships once people realize that you are actually standing up for yourself.

@melanytodd2929 4 жыл бұрын

NO❣❣❣. No , no, no....❣❣❣

@brusselsprout5851 4 жыл бұрын

Child like? No. Immaturely wicked? Yes.

@brusselsprout5851 4 жыл бұрын

@@iniubongnkanga9390 do you post this everywhere?

@JoyZoneYT 4 жыл бұрын

@@brusselsprout5851 they are children. Thinking of them as purposefully being malicious means, in most cases, that you may have been involved with Dark Triad Narcissists, or simple Sociopaths. Remember that between Sociopathy, Psychopathy, and Narcissism, some traits overlap, but they do not get represented in the same manner. As for the reply to another user, which may be just a bot spreading stuff around, I don't think that it needed to be taken at a personal level. Your response showed as much. I can't speculate much as to what came into your mind after replying to what might be an artificial user, but I can guess that this could go along the lines of "i am offended" and "that will show him". It is not anyone's brightest moment to react rather than reflect. ;)

@karenzilverberg4699 4 жыл бұрын

Brussel Sprout - well stated.

@karenzilverberg4699 4 жыл бұрын

@Deplorable Cat - my suspicion/opinion on the psychologists who say "this is NOT a mental illness" could be hiding that they are not adept at working with a disordered personality. I am speaking from the experience I have had with 2 or 3 therapists who acted and spoke as you stated.

@christar9527 4 жыл бұрын

Deplorable Cat I think that it’s a spiritual illness, evil. I didn’t know that psychologists were saying that, if that’s what you mean.

@RippleDrop. 2 жыл бұрын

They scapegoat because their *greatest* weapon is your uncertainty of who you are.

@SurvivingNarcissism 2 жыл бұрын

It's a clear form of gaslighting! Dr. C

@therenegadepianotechnician5170 4 жыл бұрын

My Narc brothers #1 scapegoat for how badly my nephew is coping with life , is his ex wife. My nephews biggest issue is PTSD and his mother was not the one who was physically and verbally abusive towards him as a child and teen. I listened to this dueschbag blame his ex wife for everything at a recent family gathering.

@Goosegirl 2 жыл бұрын

Just dealt with an episode of this, and thanks to you I was able to conduct myself with dignity and civility. That seemed to trigger him more. It’s clear there is no future, and it’s a relief, even if I will miss the friendship (not sure if any of it was real though) I thank God for keeping me from this person and making a terrible mistake, and I’m thankful for your videos educating me on narcissists and how to conduct myself.

@makesnodifference 2 жыл бұрын

W000000T for a dodged bullet!

@ericherman5413 4 жыл бұрын

Thank you for these. I'm no longer married to the narcissist in my former life but there is still a lot of learning to do as I continue to heal. These videos do help.

@aletheiai 2 жыл бұрын

The very existence of the "parentified child" says all one needs to know about their aspiration to maturity.

@scottalbers2518 3 жыл бұрын

Very helpful video. Crisis Reveals Character. 1. Who do I blame? (Flying Monkees will be added to the mix.) 2. You deserve shame, derision, humiliation in front of a public watching, etc. 3. Projection ... they see the flaws of themselves in you 4. "I have an image to uphold" Can't admit flaws. As others see your negatives, they won't see mine. 5. Childlike approach to life. 5a. Speak up. 5b. Be decisive. 5c. When scorned, hold on to your dignity. 5d. When there is a collapse, MOVE ON.

@mdee860 4 жыл бұрын

Again my profuse thanks, Dr. Carter. I have finally (hopefully) learned that it is simply a waste of my time to TRY to have an honest, warm, empathetic, rational, human relationship with this type of damaged person. The cost & collateral damage to the 'self' is enormous. The only way forward is to say good-bye to your narcassist, be it a spouse, partner or sibling, etc., & mean it! When you finally come to that realization or epiphany, it is a blessed moment. You can now start to detach from the scorn, rage, belittlement, yelling, etc. and know that you don't deserve to be treated this way. I am not physically free yet, but in my mind...I am there! However, I am flawed & once in awhile, I can still find myself being drawn into the crazy rollercoaster ride, but am doing well with the observe, don't absorb method.

@SurvivingNarcissism 4 жыл бұрын

Well, we're each flawed, but you ( and I hope plenty more in the SN community) are like you, trying to raise our averages! Dr. C

@AZDC99 2 жыл бұрын

10:30 "Therefore the scapegoater is going to DEMEAN YOU, and therefore elevate themselves. That's poor mathematics, isn't?!" Plus one!!

@jodie3671 2 жыл бұрын

He blamed me for being too emotional, demanding and impulsive. Projecting all his flaws on me. His inability to understand anothers emotions or show empathy, was very painful. They simply cannot handle normal human emotions. They have an inept ability to handle conflict. Conflict even the slightest form causes them to stonewall or gaslight or behave passive aggressive. And yeah, they simply cannot talk things through or find common ground, because they have to be one up and always need to be in control. Truly sad and miserable individuals who will end up single and lonely.

@mrdennis1038 4 жыл бұрын

For us who are trying to live a better life, including having healthier relationships, I think these videos are so instrumental. I watch them often and share them with friends and we discuss them and support each other. There's something to be said that Dr. Carter mentioned in passing but I think it's huge: we all have worth. We are born with dignity and that is, more and more, understood to be a human right. It's of such importance that even lots of countries have it in their constitutions. I do think that the challenge for narcissists, among the several they have, is that there is not a recognition of humanity in others. I do think we all "make miscalculations". It's part of the human condition. I believe most people do not wake up in the morning with the intention to hurt others unless they themselves are hurting. This brings me to another point Dr. Carter alluded to: staying with my "initiatives" or enforcing loving boundaries is part of honoring dignity in both ourselves and even in other people. Recognizing someone's inherent worth and enforcing loving boundaries are radical acts that have the power to make our goal of connecting with others in a healthy way a viable reality.

@SurvivingNarcissism 4 жыл бұрын

Great thoughts! Dr. C