The other day, I was doing an “ask me anything” on the Marriage Helper Instagram and came across a question that really caused me to pause: “My husband and I are reconciling, and I'm wondering if I forgave him too soon?”
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Now there's a reason that this is really important. And there's something very critical about forgiveness that you need to understand. If we look at the research and the psychology behind forgiveness, we see that forgiveness isn't a feeling. It’s something called decision based forgiveness.
So often we think that we need to feel like we're ready to forgive before we actually make the move to forgive. Before we actually say the words, “I forgive you”, we think there must be a feeling that precedes that. But in actuality, it's very rare that you're going to feel like you are ready to forgive or that you need to forgive. Why? Because we are blinded and biased by our hurt, the betrayal, and all the feelings that go before us, so it’s rare that we feel ready to forgive.
Forgiveness is a decision. It's a decision you make to release your hurt, my pain. Now, that doesn't mean I forget it. “Forgive and forget” isn't a thing. You will always remember it, but the question becomes: are you going to let it keep you stuck in the past, tied down to the hurt, or are you going to remember it in a way that allows you to choose to move forward?
I think that maybe what this woman meant when she asked this question was that she was reconciling with her spouse and perhaps she feels like she did it too soon... maybe they started to move forward and never dealt with some of the hurt and the betrayal and the pain from the past. And now, they’re in the forgiveness process
When you're rebuilding your marriage, you don't just want to go back to where you were. You want to make it better than it ever was before! And that’s why we at Marriage Helper are dedicated to teaching reconciliation in a way that provides hope and a framework of exactly what you and your spouse need to do in order to move towards the actual reconciliation of your marriage.
That's why we created the new exploring reconciliation course for you and your spouse to go through together. Whether you’re saying, “We're interested. I'm willing to consider what reconciliation might look like. Even though I'm not committed to this marriage right now.” Or, it could be that your spouse has been out of the marriage, but now you’ve experienced a softening in your relationship to where your spouse is saying, “I'm not committing yet, but I would be interested in seeing if we could make it work.” Or, maybe both of you are saying you’re in, but we need help in navigating how this works. Both of those groups. This is for you: marriagehelper.com/product/ex...
Now, if you're in the spot right now where you're saying my spouse has moved back in, but they're really still angry and negative, and don't want anything to do with the marriage. Then this isn't for you yet. We have other courses for you, the save my marriage course, or if you can get your spouse to agree, to go with you to one of our turnaround weekend workshops that are online or in person, when that is available, then that is a great option for you.
Learn more about the Save My Marriage Course: marriagehelper.com/product/sa...
Learn more about the Workshop: marriagehelper.com/workshops/
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