This especially applies to parents who broke their familial contract by abusing and trying to sabotage and destroy their own children

If they weren’t parents to you, then you don’t need to be a child to them. It’s really that simple.

"The job of the child is to love the parents in all the ways the parent was not loved. A set up for failure, an impossible job." WOW. SO TRUE.

I was raised as a farm-yard creature, and then I escaped. The end.

I believe the greater the resentment over having kids, the greater the entitlement there is of a payoff, or repayment of "debt." I can't see much love in that equation.

It's terrible having family and others who want you broken yet they want greatness for themselves.

If we pay back our parents, what will we have for our children? I payed much attention to my parents, they're so disturbed, that I had no energy for my own partnership. I was broken and energy poured out.

I’m not gonna do any therapy today I’m just gonna play this video three times for each client I see because it’s basically the point of most therapy.

I am the child of lovely, open-minded, creative, respectful, encouraging parents, but I follow all your videos to better understand this world and the reality of so many other families. 🙄😐

This started as soon as I turned 18 and it never stopped until I left and cut ties with my mother in December of 2022. It boggles my mind that people like this even think the way they do at all. I'm so glad I can still tear away that terrible cycle of multi-generational degeneracy.

I spilled my hard fought emotions realness it was invalidated. They owe me an apology for ever conceiving me. I hate being human.

When it comes to any friction between children and parents, I ALWAYS defend the children. Parents owe children everything, and thankfully children don’t demand much.

Existence was never and could never have been a choice for the child, and thus no debt can be ascribed to them. The only way to indebt oneself is to make a decision with repercussions. Laws and edicts may say otherwise but when they do these are the reflections of philosophically and psychologically unsophisticated minds institutionalising their immaturity.

We owe absolutely nothing if they treat us like muck! I walked away from my parents years ago,guilt free & loving life🥰

You have changed my life. It's hard to articulate just how crucial the information you provide is. Your intellect, honesty, sense of self, and humanity are awe-inspiring. Thank you for what you do.

Totally true especially for Indian parents......this is embedded very deep into each and every Indian child to make there parents proud in a way to pay them back..

"Gift" of life? LOL.

My father told me I should buy my mother gifts (aside from holidays) for all that she’s done for me. Mind you, I have a family with 2 kids and one on the way. My mom asked me if I go in a store and think hey my mom would like that I should buy it for her. Isn’t that what my dad which is her husband is for??

Children owe their parents nothing

Very true. If you want investment, put your money in the bank, and reap the interest. But don't have children.

Your videos really help me so much as a broken child . It helped me understand that breaking far from toxic parents is always healthy.

"What do children owe their parents? Nothing" 👏👏👏 People don't ask to be born; their parents choose to bring them to this world; they owe them. Children being seen as an investment is a very patriarchal/neoliberal/capitalistic view, and not all cultures are like that. A lot of cultures don't see children as an investment, but as humans.

I wish you did livestreams. I could listen to your thoughts on this stuff all day.

Hello Daniel.　As an immigrant’s child I grew up having to translate English for my parents even though I suffered from a disorder called selective mutism from a very young age ,and even though I had difficulties in learning and coping with mental health issues because of it being neglected , I was completely ignored by parents,school, other adults and relatives . I was bullied by students of my age but I was also supported by some of my friends who were just the same age as me who were just kids back then ,they were nicer than any adults, I saw the harsh reality from a very young age,adults are not nice. I only found out about my early childhood mutism when I became an adult, so I’m still processing a lot of unresolved traumas from my past , I’m not saying that adults should’ve known about these psychological terms and sent me to therapy , the fact that most adults didn’t even ask me “if I was okay” depresses me a lot ,only one teacher was kind ,it still hurts me bc I did suffer from this disorder a lot . I did confront my parents after I found out about my childhood disorder and got even more wounded bc they would try to belittle and erase my truth out of their memories.　So you saying this world is screwed did make me feel heard, before watching your videos I thought I was just becoming this psychopathic victim who hated the world because I was so hurt, but as I grieve and heal I can still see that the majority of people are not being honest at all. But I met a few understanding people for the first time in my life, as I spoke out about my truth and it was the first time I ever felt heard. We don’t owe parents anything I don’t think my parents even thought about my future and how I will grow up as an adult after leaving me mute as child for years and not caring. I don’t even think animals owe us anything as well as a person practicing veganism ,but the reason I started it was because I was severely mentally depressed to the point I felt something similar between myself and the helpless voiceless animal, it’s a different kind of trauma we go through and I agree we have the responsibility to better ourselves if we’re bringing a precious life into the world just to take it away for us to survive.　So many people are virgins when it comes to being honest and authentic and serious improving as humans.

The problem is also society at large though. Parents in this day and age can be great, but if 90% or more of kids grow up in sick family systems, even the ones who are raised healthy will get corrupted eventually. Or if they are not corrupted, will live a life of isolation or feel ostracized. It starts from people in power too. Truth is it's in the interest of power structures for people to stay stuck in the family system-they're more predictable and easy to control that way. Just my 2 cents.

Nothing, except being a good person that doesn't bring an other person in this cold & evil world.

Thank you, I’ve seen such abusive older parents and the victim/adult child feels obligated to care for them. Society does not understand, because it makes assumptions and was not inside the abusive home. I think many parents were only motivated by some sort of personal social security, anyway, and tried to make their children “in their own image.” It’s supposed to be very selfless and paying forward, but I have yet to meet parents that answer the right way, when asked their reasons, It’s tragic!

Whoa! Powerful ❤

Dude I really want you to know how grateful I am to know someone like you, albeit through a screen. You evoke a familial wholesomeness if that makes any sense. The topics and timings of your videos are also so uncannily relevant to the things I ponder over during my night walks. Might as well make use of the insomnia hahah. Always a pleasure 🍁

I think my daughter owes me nothing. Actually, I owe her a lot, because in her childhood she was watching aggressive father yelling and I didn't take her out from that situation. :(

Love is a conditional, transaction, to breeders. Honor them with the reciprocation of betrayal trauma 💝

I agree with this perspective for the most part. I think that there is some obligation on the part of children to love and honor their parents and their old age. However, in narcissistic family systems, where such is the dynamic, it makes that incredibly difficult and undesired to do.

If parents create an environment where the child grows up feeling safe, nurtured and respected then the adult child will naturally want to be there to help their parents when the parents get older. If not, then the child/young adult has to fend for themselves for survival. If I had it to give, I would have given it but I was still in survivor mode myself when my mother reach old age.

👏 bravo, Daniel! Totally agree with you a hundred percent! My brother the Golden child I’m convinced suffers from Stockholm syndrome by my racist, homophobic, sexist and narcissistic mother who I sensed early on was off - very disconnected and disassociated; unstable and untrustworthy. A master mindgamer. I learned the only way to truly save myself was no contact with my entire family it was all so terrible and distressing to me - literally my body couldn’t handle it anymore. I try keep listening to my body and feelings ~ what my heart is saying after having to stuff my feelings inside for so long out of self protection from my parents cruelty. It took me along time to learn to trust others again. It’s been a long road, but finally I feel like I’ve arrived at the field of flowers under blue skies. I am free now.

Thank you for your transparency in talking about this subject. Both my parents were dysfunctional. The Good that I still managed to Receive from their dysfunction was Not to repeat the cycle. Their lives spiraled down as they realized they were not entitled to their kids lives as my siblings & I became adults doing the work of forgiveness, self- introspection and healing. My parents lives ended prematurely & sad actually. This was their choice.

Sometimes you have to love yourself enough, to sit back observe their behaviour. Accept the truth of how they behave. It no longer effects you as you are now your own parent. Just Forgive and listen to your thoughts and set boundaries, and BE INNOCENT

I remember my grandmother telling me that in the south, people had large families to work in the fields from the time they could walk. I couldn't imagine how hard that had to be for a little girl. She picked cotton till her fingers bled. In the deep south that was the life that was very common. She told me about some abuse and did turn into an alcoholic. When my adopted mother was 84 I overheard her call me her "slave" to her brother over the phone. I was helping her. Or so I thought. She didn't know I heard that and I kept it my secret. You know, They were just a disappointment to us, really. I don't even think they knew we even had a brain. But that's where our advantage comes in darlin. We knew they were missing something. They're heart and soul. You can never buy that at the store, can you know. Thats a God given gift. You have a beautiful soul darlin. So Don't let their blindness block you from anything you know is yours. They had their life. Abd they chose to not respect it. You do. You see, you respect and appreciate your gift of life honey bucket. 😊

I fully agree with this. And, I’m speaking as a parent.

Thank you! Sooooo true! My debt I finally discovered, was to myself - to heal the decades of horrific damage done to me physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

I think we should care for our parents but ONLY if it is reasonably safe for us and not a thread to our own health and well being.

You are a legend. Best psychologist ever.

Couldn’t agree more. It’s the best lesson ever, for the parent, and the child. Truly selfless love.

Daniel, your words resonate with me as if they were my own almost word for word. The wanting to be loved, especially when that well is dry, we have to go elsewhere. We owe nothing! We are not responsible for the burden of being. We are a gift designed by God in his image and likeness to be gifted into the experience of this world as his children. Our parents are bound by choices and actions that brought us life into this plane of existence through divine union. We owe God our gratitude and our parents owe us the life they forsaken in sin and bringing about the experience of a mortal death unasked. You Deserve more, We deserve more, We are all here for each other to some aspect and our lives also bring about choices and actions that make this world what it is. Heal your pain, and be loved.

This is an important topic.

Once again, great video! 🙏🏻

Thank you so much for this video. I heard it right when I needed to and I am sure I’m not the only one.

You comfort me so much Thank you for this channel You are the best

Can't believe this dropped in my feed. Just what I needed! Just how I think and I needed this echo so so much.

I can't express in words, how much I am grateful for your work. You really saved me from so much suffering, i would have otherwise have to go through. Thankyou

Wow, this is really coming at a good time for me, especially as a young adult who is still very much struggling to navigate how to cultivate my own life, separate from that of what my parents may or may not want for me. Thank you, Daniel. It is a difficult path to walk, to scrutinize one’s parents and the ways our society conditions us to “value” family, even though more often than not valuing family often means that we must reject the core of who and what we are, all to appease these “loved ones” who really, fundamentally, *don’t* even love us back… I’m glad you are a voice that seeks to counter this pervasive narrative that tells us that we “must” be loyal to our family or else we are “selfish” and “bad”… it’s mind-boggling just how badly society demands that we persist in a dissociated state from our inner self, insisting that we betray ourselves through self-repression, self-stifling, needless self-sacrifice… the demand to conform is thinly veiled as “loyalty”, a word that more people are much more receptive to… Anyways, I’m kind of rambling now haha, but thanks again for sharing your thought-provoking perspective.

Thank you for being out here. I 'discovered' you only last week and I am hooked. You, or at least your content, is a gem. You are a free, authentic, curious, empathic person. It just shows in everything you say. It's as if you are in my mind. We agree on almost everything. (Especially on the topic of parenthood, and having children). So many people truly appreciate what you do and share with the world. Thank you. 🥰

“Too slowly”. Agreed. This is a wonderful video. Bizarrely relevant to me right now. Thank you for being honest and vulnerable

People have a moral responsibility to deal with their emotional baggage. If you don't have the courage to undertake that, you certainly don't have the courage to be a good parent.

Interesting perspective. Thanks for sharing.

Thank you Daniel. Thank you.

thank you.. I needed to hear this

AMAZING insight, I can so relate.

Thank you Daniel for letting me feel less alone❤

Thank you for this video!

Can you read my mind? I only discovered your videos today and I resonate with everything you say.

your videos help keep me on track, and not give into the hoovering attempts when I know I don't owe them anything. I know that the longing feeling i have deep inside cannot be filled or healed by them - ever.

Very good, thank you! 💗

To leave , work hard , become self sufficient and return on occasion to visit . ……simple as that . But today that seems to be almost impossible. Leaving such comfortable setups that most parents have given their kids is a step down . Most have nothing to work toward . The parents and grandparents have already given it to them . ……..why leave , that means difficulty at times and todays youth does not handle difficulty well at all.

Daniel you're a space of enlightment and solace on the web. Love hearing your insights.

Adult children should at least respect their parents and be of help them in their old age. However this does not apply to narc parents. Not all parents are evil and a large percentage of adult children are selfish and narcissistic themselves. This world is all about me! I do believe parents must respect their adult children’s lives and stay out of their personal life. They have the right to live their own lives without a parents interference.

I would never want to be a burden to my 2 children financially, emotionally or mentally. I offer unconditional love and ask for some of their precious time.

I so agree with you: I feel I owe myself and the world the responsibility of maturing and growing, however hard it is. In a way, it's a way of honoring the fact of being alive.

My dad (now deceased) and his widow (stepmother) believe that parents shouldn't telephone their children; the children should phone them. My stepmother phones me only on my birthday or if someone has died. So I phone her every month or so, and within a few minutes I hear the first "anyway." The conversations are always superficial, never lasting more than five minutes, but even then I hear "anyway" multiple times. I tolerate it but hate it. I learned not to challenge my parents through fear. I have to confess to having participated in a fake relationship with a fake persona. I've dropped it.

You touch on a saying that has been inspirational for me : A wise man once said, “In one pocket I have the words ~ I owe nothing to anyone. In the other pocket ~ I owe all to all mankind”. The interdependence of the parent/child may be better served when the child also becomes an improvement on the parental skills of their parents for their children. This working on those deficits one became aware of along with one’s own issues has been a good place for me to start as a different parent.

Totally agree with you

I love to hear you Daniel❤️, I wish you could make a Live Stream someday.

these videos are so empowering for me. they just give me a sense of things being set right. and I may be totally reading too much into them but I get such a revolutionary vibe from them, even politically. or maybe I'm just projecting because I'm a communist but either way this is really healing, thank you

We live in the best circumstances for personal growth since life first emerged. Before us there was no room to indulge who or what we might be due to the imperative for survival. After awakening to what I am prior to the identity I created to deal with the brutish world around, I cried, I cried tears of gratitude for what my parents did simply to house and feed me. Yes, I agree with you on what is your response ability. I also share with the world every day so we all may continue towards wholesomeness. Though our parents are an inextricable part of the platform for our possibility.

We need to break the cycle

❤️❤️❤️👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 I really like the description of slavery in families, on point! After the distribution of ownership and agriculture, families were invented for them to work on the farm. I heard there’s still some japanese villages in which fathers are never known

I can really recommend his book. Just finished it and after reading it slowly with alot of time in between the chapters to reflect about it, I can say that I discovered now the reason for my life-paralysis. And it feels like I was able to kick out that was is called malignant introject - somehow scientific books didn't gave me this clear view, they offered a scientific model and alot of fancy words for it, but it was not handy and tangible. A real treasure - his book.

Incredible video

As a vegan and a watcher of almost all of your videos, I deeply appreciate that you chose the farm animal analogy 👏👏👏 you couldn't have put it more succinctly! Thank you!

Some ppl told me they had children to look after them in old age, which I think is totally unfair. Not only did the children not asked to be born, they should not be burdened with old parents. I think when a kid turns 18, he/she is free to leave the family for good.

Tell this to my African parents ( I think it's cultural) but some African parents feel their kids owe them and should pay back for their sacrifices.

This society at most, sees children as slaves. All children live double lives. Most adults don't see children as whole people.

Thanks Daniel. Well, this added a trauma to work on. I worked for my parents because they could get a tax break, but they never paid me. I don't know what they reported as my wage. I probably started around age 7 or 8. They bragged about it to other cult members, and told them about the loop hole, encouraging others to do it.

Many parents are far too dysfunctional and unaware of themselves to be even remotely capable of being caring, loving and understanding towards their children. When you’re a child they treat you like an experiment for their own ambitions and ideals. When you rebels and say NO I don’t want to do this way they get outraged. They want you to study in a university they choose, a profession they think it’s best for you., , they want to control your life and micromanage it, and well when you say No I don’t like this or that, and when you dare say that you want to do things differently boy their egos become so hurt they don’t care that you’re a individual on your own right with your own particular likes, wants, interests and preferences.., they take it personally.

I see it in all families....the control and the abuse that you have to do that or you will get punished

I love your tone of hopelessness

I am grateful that my parents gave me life ...although I also acknowledge that life spark comes from another source. I was at the mercy of parents for early survival. This discussion has been writ large on my life for at least a decade. It has been very self damaging. Finally, I have come to the same conclusion that you have outlined. The last few years ....and probably a few to come ....are dedicated to self nuture and reparenting.

My MIL would say I should have more children so they take care of me when I’m older. That’s not my reason to have a child, my child doesn’t owe me anything. I hope to give my child a happy life, with nothing in return.

Through long months of thinking after no contact I came to the conclusion that I was just a tool that was used by mother to be liked by her parents. She couldn’t get their love, so used me showing how quiet I was, good grades I got, my future plans e.t.c. - anything that could show her as a perfect parent. But behind closed doors any inconvenience about me (I needed to see a doctor, or wanted to start a hobby her parents may not like) may lead to anger, scream and then a silent treatment. Low hygiene, old clothes, unhealthy food (no, she had enough money, but it all required effort) - at home, but I should’ve been dressed perfectly, nice and clean, be energetic and positive when going to meet grand parents. I had a constant fear of her and these old people all my life. And I won’t go back at any costs even though they still try to pull me back into the system. Yes, I feel sorry, that mother live such a misery life, but it was her choice not to contradict. I tried to comfort her for years before I left, but it ended by more and more abuse as the tool didn’t work as it was meant to be and (surprisingly) wanted to live its own life. Thank you for your video.

Went no contact with my severely abusive narcissist mother five years ago after 55years of hoping she would change...its been very peaceful since... ... should have done it sooner !

Exponentially grown since cutting off my entire family I’ll die this way ✌🏾

Hi Daniel!!!

There are a lot of people that would be willing to buy a course from you Daniel. Your insights, knowledge and experience is such a gem for the people that are living today and will come in the future.

Yes. Show this to the outdated, conservative, traditional families. Children don’t owe their parents shit. We didn’t ask to be be born. Nor did we sign a contract to be a financial, emotional, mental clutch for our families.

my genius 90 year old father is a sadistic psychopathic narcissist who expects me to be understanding of his emotionally abusive behavior since he was having a bad day ; yet he never calls me, he just emails me his horrible slandering messages (yes my mother was a total slave to my Dad) and all of us kids worked too doing daily chores and we would be beaten if we didn't stay in line.

I totally agree with you

That's right

you explained it perfectly

Nothing! Booooooom! Thank you.

Hey Dan, can you analyze the Island Boys' walking off the Impaulsive podcast?

Suppose a government doctor cures his 100 patients. Now, are the patients supposed to pay anything back to the doctor. No, because the government pays to that doctor, he is an employee of the government and is supposed to treat his patients for free. Similarly, parents are also God gifted to children, they r like emplyees of God and are supposed to give their children whatever they can(just like the doctor is supposed to provide the best treatment he can).