Interesting! I started noticing gender envy decades ago, before I even called myself trans. I thought I was just a man who could not accept being a man. I envied women's emotional and physical freedom, their ability to express themselves in ways that seemed beyond reach for me. For decades, I tried everything from learning art joining a performance group, dressing more androgynous all in an attempt to capture that elusive feeling of emotional freedom. As time passed I found myself moving from being more androgynous to wanting to be more feminine. Androgyny didn't work for me, I didn't get that feeling of freedom that I perceived when I observed women. All I felt was like a boil on someone's nose. There was no freedom in what I was doing. I began to think that I simply could not get to where I wanted to get. Felt like a dog chasing its tail, like I was close, like I could taste what I wanted but it was just beyond my reach. I've now come to realize that in a binary world men and women live completely different lives. I did not have freedom because people still treated me like a man, but a man in a dress. That freedom I sought continued to evade me. So now, at 66, I wake up every morning with dread. Feels like the window of opportunity closed behind me. That envy is ever present, but now stronger than before because I tasted that freedom, I got a glimpse of what might have been, which I think might be the cruelest punishment yet. When I have the opportunity to feminize myself am all too aware of how I fall short of my quest for freedom.

Dr. Z, Gender Envy is something that I have been struggling with since I was a child, but never knew how to explain it. I envy others who are dealing with the same issues I have, but I see myself living through them as they are going through or have already been through a successful transition. Every time I see a positive post, I always tell myself that I wish it could be me 😢

I have envied transwomen I see daily, never did have a meaning for what I have been feeling. Constantly comparing my transitioning to other women in the community, while never really seeing the positive changes and how far I have come. Thank you Dr. Z for this video, this has really helped!

Im going through a struggle with dysphoria and envy. At one point, i wanted to get out of work so i could go home and cry. I locked myself in my room and covered my entire body in a long onesie because I didnt want to see my own body and avoid mirrors so i won't have to look at my face. I hate feeling like i have to avoid myself. Ive been on hrt for almost 2 years and, despite being better emotionally, sometimes it hits me. And i want the feeling to go away. I looked at your video and will try to keep your advice into consideration. In the meantime, im getting off social media because im in so much pain. Every time i see a trans womans picture and they look so amazing...i feel like garbage and I want to cry in my bed. It hurts. Your video is really good.

I hadn't considered that envy was what I experience on a daily basis. There are so many instances of feeling a desire to look feminine such as when I see a woman with the perfect shade of lipstick, cute earrings, clothes that accentuate their figure, etc. This is a sensation that I recall feeling all of my life. Thank you Dr Z for once again placing context of an experience.

Dr. Z how you explain gender envy and how it effects dysphoria is so true. As a young boy I always felt I should have been a girl, I even grew my hair long and often got misgendered(which I loved). I first felt gender envy during puberty, I saw the young girls developing breasts and hips, and they started wearing heels and dresses, and all Igot broad shoulders and a moustache 😢 I was so envious. Then I learned how to suppress the dysphoria, but it would always come back. I was in an endless cycle of this, then I married the girl of my dreams and had a son. I thought that this would be the cure, it wasn't. I'm not out to anyone and secretly cross dress, but now experience a different type of envy. I watch many videos of beautiful young ladies that were young men just like me, I'm so happy for them but also very envious of their transition. It leaves me feeling regretfully, empty and alone. Your videos and many others have help me atleast understand what I have felt through out my life. Thank you.

Dr.Z another to the point video.... As a young boy i was always curious about the girl 'staff'. I was feeling that they were very lucky and privileged.... I was wishing that i could be a girl. As i was growing older i felt very jealous regarding women at a point that i kind of 'hate'them...And then after a long and bumpy road i found my true identity, i am very happy and i 'love' women very much and i am considering myself very lucky to be finally one!!!😊

Gender envy effects me so deeply. I get so angry and frustrated with myself. Feeling like I will never measure up to any of the men around me. Feeling inferior to them. Feeling isolated and dysphoric because, they were born with everything I was born without. I also feel like cis men will take everything from me. I can’t explain it. An example is if I like a woman, a cis man will ask her out and she will fall in love with him instead of me. I am always the last choice. They make me feel so small. I am a tall dude but being around men makes me feel like I’m nothing. It takes away my inner peace and leaves me feeling dark and moody and hateful. I’m ftm. I am so tired of feeling this way. Always comparing myself to cis men and feeling like I will never be enough. All I ever wanted was to have my exterior mirror how I feel on the inside. I want to feel at home and content in my body. I’m always slouching, afraid to wear colors like white, binding my chest. I loved wearing a mask to hide my face because it made me look more masculine. I am so deeply insecure and frustrated. I wish someone could wave a wand and I’d instantly become the man was supposed to be. I want to have a beard and be buff and have a flat chest etc. I think about how trapped I feel in my body and it really makes me sad. I have come a long way though and moving forward slowly. Rome wasn’t built in a day. To anyone else feeling this way, keep moving forward and know that you’re not alone.

I am not sure how I only found your content, but wow, thank you! Thank you for acknowledging how when one is feeling envious it can be helpful to dig deeper about what it is one wants and making those changes. This is exactly what I am learning and trying to do myself! For as long as I can remember, I have had gender envy, not specifically to an individual, but more so to wishing I could be more connected to a man’s experience. As a child, I remember wanting to use the restroom like a boy would (standing up). As an adult (AFAB), I have mostly been attracted to straight cis women. I dream about what it would be like to have a sexual relationship the way cis people do. I am unsure if I am non-binary or trans. I am 40 years old and single for the first time in my adult life and I am taking this time to figure out who I am and what I want. I am desperately seeking my authentic self. It’s confusing and even depressing at times. I don’t know if I could ever transition. I have a lot of shame with my feelings. But like your video suggests, I am taking those small steps to feel more connected with what I envy about the male body. I am experimenting with chest binding and STP. It’s exciting, but scary as I believe I have a long road ahead of me. Thank you for your videos!!!

thanks for describing Gender Envy so succinctly...I inadvertently chose my girlfriends based on what i wanted myself to look, Little did i know i was selling myself short all this time. We are so lucky to have you Doc.

Hi Dr Z! Envy has been central to my trans experience long before I realized I was trans. Somehow I always thought it was attraction and I connected the uncomfortable emotional component of envy to the religious sex-negative messaging of my youth. Over the years I learned to ignore or deny that feeling of "wanting something", to the extent that I didn't know when I wanted things in general! Finally coming out to myself as transfemme and starting to transition has freed me of a lot of that envy and allowed me to connect to women as friends in a way that always felt awkward before. It's also allowed me to understand and acknowledge the feeling of wanting things for myself, and to go get them without feeling guilty. It's a huge positive change for me and your videos played an important part in making it possible ❤

Thank you Dr.Z! In general, envy is my main monster that I struggle with in many contexts. Now that I have been my transition, I love myself and feel so good about all the steps I have taken. Still I find myself at times envious of cis women and how they can effortlessly look like women and be feminine (even though I know it is also a lot of work for cis women too) without having to come out, socially transition, go through surgical procedures and medical treatments. Great video to remind me that envy is just there to shine a light on my authentic identity and not an ideal to measure myself against.

Thank you for this, Dr. Z. I will be transitioning and figuring out for myself what this fear is, because it isn’t transitioning itself. It’s the gap. The time it takes to get to where I want to be is what makes me nervous and I’m thinking about how I will address it as the dysphoria becomes even more prominent.

Hi Dr. Z GREAT video. I had gender envoy for over 30yr but not so much anymore after 13 months HRT and living as myself now which is being a woman of transgender experience. Don't get me wrong every once in a while there will be a flat out LITTLE HOTTY for lack of a better word that I appreciate her beauty but I myself have it going on also now and I am proud of my beauty as well, and actually a lot of the girls I've had envoy over I no longer do because I feel I have surpassed them in the ways I envoy them in the past and there's not much better feeling in the world other than when I receive a compliment from another woman like I did today with my eye shadow on all things which totally caught me off guard and I no I had a shocked look on my face for a moment before I could thank her. And here comes that voice again. Lol I can see the moment of shock in them some times when they hear me but I am getting better and I no I will get this one of these days and really it doesn't bother me as bad. I just keep reminding myself it's baby steps 🎉

I appreciate that you emphasize gender envy does not have to mean a person is transgender. This can help comfort those who are simply GNC or do not like the label of "trans" for any reason. I do believe my "ideal" is connected to my gender presentation, but I appreciate your words of caution and wisdom here. Thank you!

Thank you for explaining this. I've been on HRT for 2 and a half years, and still feel Gender Envy. Not towards any particular person, but just generally. I still have broad shoulders, reasonably flat chest and squared jaw and chin, and no money to adjust any of these things! Just something I have to live with for now I guess.

This really gave me an answer to a question I could never figure out how to ask. What I thought I was lusting for and attracted to was what I really wanted for my own body and mind. I hope this makes sense.

I get that envy really strongly when i see ladies wear outfits that i don't have a rats ass of a chance in hell of pulling off yet. Oddly enough Ive experienced this at work too with the work uniforms despite them looking terrible on everybody lol.

I get gender envy quit a bit from both cis men and trans men but im getting better at catching myself and remembering that its unfair to compair myself to them since I wasn't born a cis man and my state doesn't allow medical transition until 19 and I dont have the same opportunities as someone with supportive family

It's wonderful how you link gender envy to an inspiration that one needs to follow to attain one's goal. This is definitely the way to use envy in a meaningful way. You can do it. You can break it into small incremental steps toward achieving your goal. Whether or not you totally reach your destination is of lesser importance. You went that way and made it further into your true path.

I've had gender envy all my entire life, but gender dysphoria as a destabilising condition I have developed exponentially later in life. I think that the gender envy is not triggered form of gender dysphoria.

I experience gender envy towards the stereotypical characteristics of a woman's character and in opposition to the stereotypical characteristics of a man. But I'm really worried to express these thoughts because I think I'm conflicted about the idea of gender itself. Because we are brought up in a society which enforces the idea of gender. This leaves my identity conflicted as well in some way. Thinking about these brings up fear, but also joy and a feeling of freedom. I've never experienced dysphoria looking in the mirror, I feel comfortable in my body. Anyway this is a topic I will definitely be thinking about a lot. Thank you for your work Dr Z.

Gender envy has accompanied me pretty much since birth, more or less as the years came and went, hand in hand with dysphoria. I started hormones in Sept `20 and didn't feel much progress for a loooooong time. In March '21, I read a transition timeline written by someone much younger than me... and they were basically complaining about changes coming too fast, like C-cups after about 4 months, period pain, and so on. I cried for about 12 hours straight. The following morning, a cis female friend of mine really helped me by telling me that everyone envies someone for whichever reason feels bad at the time, be it a body part, a job, a car, a house, a partner, name it. Today, I am still careful with what I read, who I follow online (I have trouble with a major KZfaqr), and so on. My own progression is happening, still too slowly. I don't think I will ever be entirely rid of it, but I am more prepared when that particular demon pops up.

Thank you for separating identity from how you present yourself. I have a very hard time because I have a lot of Trans women in my community that like to dress girly. I feel out of place at times because I still love dressing masculine. About the only girly things I wear are panties or sometimes I'll combine fishnets with shorts. I dont hsve much of a bust yet for bras. Other than that I'm jeans and band logo t-shirts. It's a real exercise for me to be confident in dressing as I like and being a Trans woman. I feel like I'm constantly being judged by the community for not living up to gender norms.

This is a great video that applies to people who aren't trans, too. Very good. Thank you, Z.

I'm not trans, I'm agender. I do not experience gender identity. But I definitely can relate with "gender envy", I recall when I was about 16 years old, when I go out to meet with my friends, I really wanted to "pass" as a boy. In my country, the chances of a teen boy being sexually assaulted by a stranger in the street in the middle of the afternoon were very low compared to girls. Unfortunately, because of lipedema, despite being a thin, flat chested girl, I couldn't pass as a boy and felt constantly in fear, until eventually I became somewhat "street smart" and started to act in certain way. I definitely adopted what we could call a "masculine" way of behaving myself when I felt more "threatened". It was something natural. It became part of me. It was obvious I eas not a man, but I was giving these vibes of someone who was not affraid and will fight you to death if needed. I never wanted to be a boy. I just wanted to be perceived as one by random people on the street, I just wanted to feel safe.

I understand what you are conveying and have felt that aswell. One thing that maybe a good point is if you envy one person or what have you maybe step back. Then look at someone or something else before you jump to conclusions. That may help in deciding what you can or should do to potentially attain such ideal. Just a general thought.

Your videos are so coincidental Dr Z! I happened upon GraceHyland6747 yesterday and Ive been so awestruck and envious ever since. But then, I remembered my current situation and limitations and it helped a lot. She also isnt the 1st transwoman Ive envied, but I cant shake the hope that i’ll be on their level someday too

Thank you for explaining that I know I've been doing that and not really understanding what was happening thank you so very much

So true. The woman I dated, I wanted to BE them, not date them. Once my egg cracked it all became really clear.

Oh yes! I suppose it was always there along with the dysphoria, but I shoved all of these feelings aside. Then when I was 15, I was in my first relationship (with a girl), and I just got so jealous with her for going through life with so much ease (even though she really wasn't, she had other struggles). So after being with her for a year, I finally came out for the first time in my life.

Been living as a woman for over 10 years now, to this day, seeing a beautiful cis woman that has the body I want, can make me feel envious and dysphoric. I swear I could be more beautiful than (insert female celebrity name here) and still feel gender envy, because of the wrong genitalia, and internal organs. I’d do anything to have working female productive organs. I truly mean it. Anything…

I can't say I have ever been envious of cis women although I have always been an admirer of beautiful females. However when I first heard about Christine Jorgensen and her transition I was very envious and I couldn't understand why. I must have asked myself that question a million times in my struggle to deal with this thing that has tormented me most of my life.

MTF ->

i think i get it. i wasnt just simply jealous of the feminine makeup jewelry and clothes, but envious that no one cared and everyone considered it normal that they liked it. i think its similar to my envy of how women are treated socially and romantically. correct me if you think im wrong.

I think I have interesting envy exp...once i had a the dream, where my best friend was wearing incredibly beautiful dress with sparkles and etc!! And I was just in ordinar clothe like shirt and jeans....So i feel so envy ab it! And i was thinking that if my friend did, so i could too without any doubt...and at that momemt here was another thought "why I don't do it? Why does I need someone first in my surrounding to do what i want? "....I feel envy because I was not first...idk, mb it's stupid...i feel envy because someone so easy just wearing "incredibly beautiful dress with sparkles and etc" in public!! And after the night i came to the friend and recounted him a dream. He was just smilling and tell something like "Cool! But it would't happen"...and it was kinda sad, that's what i remember. It was kinda confusing to me 'cos he is the man that never tell me ab his some femin-side wishes and i'll never noticed it or mb not focused on it... Sooo that was my envy exp in dream....and rn i start thinking that mb we just look at the result and we never know ab the strugels and the way the person going throught.....

Hi, I'm still working my way through your video library, but I have a couple of questions. What would you advise for someone that has had gender identity and dysphoria in a repressed state due to prolonged denial? And What would be recommend as first steps for someone that has awakened from denial late in life but now fully acknowledges it?

i also find myself envious of blaire and her amazingly well done facial surgery. her whole life for that matter lol she has the cutest voice too i really envy that hers never dropped

I definitely still feel a lot of envy when I see some cis women having the body I wish I had, im not entirely unhappy with my body, but I can recognise that if I see certain women I experience those feelings again. usually if they are like 5'2''-3'' and have a bit of an hourglass figure. (I am 5'6'' so im not exactly a giant) it sorts of gives me a bit of mirror dysphoria as I feel huge in my own body. like bigger than I actually am, and I know that some cis women have bigger features especially if they are tall. so ill try to bring myself back to earth thinking that.

I had no word for it. I never felt attracted to women the way my friends were. I could stare at this image of the perfect woman for entire evenings after school. I would just dream of occupying the same image, but never as a second person in the picture, as her. I just didn't understand that it's the same as wanting to "be like Mike" for basketball players. I wanted to be everything this anime girl was in that image. If only I knew what it meant and what was possible.

I have experienced gender envy before with a friend and when I realized it it was difficult to navigate because there were a lot of other underliars to it for me in that specific situation. I also had romantic feelings toward the person. I believe God puts people in our path for a reason. No real advice from me on this comment other than to offer my experience as proof that people have them. Be easy on yourself and allow yourself grace. Discovering things about ourselves is supposed to be fun, too. ❤

Having gender envy is how I found out I was truely Transgender. Now that I'm transitioning I regret not doing it earlier.

its a form of dysphoria. it completely crushes me. E saved me

I'm not sure if envy is the right word. While I look up to some people, wish I looked and was able to act more like them, I don't have the negative emotions I associate with envy, it's more like idolisation. And I am fully aware I'll never be able to come close to those women, given my age and physical characteristics, to which only so much can be done to change or mask them. While this is a factor of dysphoria, I'm grounded enough to not have it be a major factor, and be more of an ideal end stage that I know is ultimately unattainable but can still be in a way approximated over time. The main dysphoria is in the now, not in the unattainability of ideal outcomes for me.

my friend is jelous of my transition. i don't want to share my transition with her because i don't want to make her dysphoric and more jelous, but she's asked me to share, so i have at times, but she said she said she was "seething in jelousy" and "didn't think she'd be this jelous". so i didn't think I'd ever be the target of gender transition jealousy/envy lol? but hey it happened :/

This is my personal experience and perspective, I don't want to invalidate anyone... I just want to see if I can get an approach of what am I Ok, so I'm a man, I know I am a man, I sexually identify as one, and through my life I've been living as a man. I'm not gay, I like women. But, since I was little I have a recurring feeling about wanting to be a girl, having a lot of curiosity and also fantasize constantly about waking up as one. My first sexual experiences were watching and reading mtf videos, stories and in general porn about it. That's why, ever since, I treated it as a fetish/fantasy. I really get jealous of girls walking in the streets, the way they move, how they express themselves, their beautiful clothing I cannot wear, their breasts, their hips, pretty faces, accessories, how they treat each others giving hugs and compliments between them... In the past and sometimes I wear some female clothing in a private. I think it helps me to cope with this feeling. Sometimes I feel like the male role is pretty tired, I know women have their own problems, but in my specific case, I always think being female would made a lot of aspects of my life better. My family would had let me choose an art oriented career, I would be able to express myself better, right now I'm really afraid of talking to women in general because of the constant fear of being judged or accused for making "a joke" or something. I would have had better relationships with my cousins(all females), wear beautiful clothing... And in the romantic field everything would be better... I had a girlfriend, we last 6 years, at the beginning of our relationship I commented this to her, and I said to her to don't give so many thought, is just a personal fantasy and I didn't want her to do something she didn't feel comfortable about just for me, so I kinda repressed this feelings. Now that she broke up with me (not because of this, she just got bored, and found another guy (fuck)) Since then (six months ago) I've been thinking more seriously about my identity... I have been treating it as a fetish all my life and it doesn't represent a chronic problem. But is something that is always present in my mind and I think about it everyday, I know is not just a fetish because of how outside the sexual pleasure it persist, this thoughts about wanting to be female, not being it, see girls and be jealous... wanting to be pretty without being perceived as a "weirdo" or "fag"... I don't know.... Am I transgender?

Doctor, I had a trans girlfriend, and she got jealous and envy about me as a trans woman, despite she having more female expression and far far way better financial conditions than me. It got to the point where even desiring me being a man she start saying. It seems that even the little that I had ended being target with envy. Everytime I showed some kind of progress or happiness about this topic (female expression, gender euphoria, transitioning...), it got target soon or later. Interesting is, almost all the trans girls that I meet online got envy with me in some point. Well, all of them was young, like 16~21. Nowadays I have some concerns about dating or even friending trans women (at least young ones) because of that. As a trans woman too, I became more demanding with trans women than with cis women. OMG... That friendships and relationships was so toxic, even making me giving up two of the three times I had done that. But of course, now those people don't make part of my life anymore ❤

I didn't have a gender identity as a young child despite preferring to play with my sister, wanting to play girl roles when playing house, crossdressing, and believing that I would be like my mom as an adult. When I started to be aware of gender differences in 1-2 grade, after being told I couldn't use the girls bathroom anymore, I started to feel envy of the girls being girls. Being a girl seemed so much better and freeing than being a boy; while being a boy and slowly becoming a man seemed to be something undesirable. I remember being 11-12 and standing in the bathroom, tucking that thing between my legs, and looking at myself in the mirror wishing that I looked like that ... that I looked like a girl. After discovering sexuality, most of my sexual experiments between closed doors consisted of trying to imitate the female sexual experience. When looking at porn or reading erotic stories, I always pictured myself as the woman in the story. Later when I started to have intimate relations, I always wish that the roles were reversed whenever I had sex with my female partner. As an adult, I showed preferential treatment toward the women in my life and mostly ignored the men. I doted on my nieces with attention and gifts while my nephews got nothing. When my wife got pregnant, I only wanted for us to have a daughter. I remember being upset about my wife not wanting to breastfeed our daughter because it was something I wanted to do it myself but couldn't for obvious reasons. I have spent most of my life being disappointed in being born male and I thought that I would have been much happier in life I had been born a woman. Yet, the possibility of being transgender never truly crossed my mind until much later in life. I just assumed that it was completely normal for guys to wish that they were women instead. I even thought that almost all men had those thoughts. Why wouldn't they? Being a woman was obviously so much better than being a man. I even felt envy toward trans women. I thought they were so lucky to be women despite AMAB. They got to live their dreams while I was stuck being a cishet man wishing he had been born a girl instead. Yes, I had been very supportive of the trans community for decades because I could see myself in them; but I never asked myself why I saw myself in them. I don't feel gender envy anymore because I finally realized that I was born the gender that I always wanted to be.

What does thath tell you?

I have a question. I hear that gender dysphoria is closely associated with comorbidities like depression, autism and others. So, is gender dysphoria a mental illness? A mental condition? Could you please make a video sometime to clarify what the consensus is? Thank you

You are so cute

I do not envy trans (who can envy trans situation ?), only women.

I get upset when I see a girl who has feminized nicely cause I haven’t been able to do so

Whenever I see a long haired cis man. Uuuugh, so jealous Sometimes I question if I'm trans or not, but then I remember that people around me are *actually * seeing me as a real girl, and the thought is so bizarre I have to recognize that I'm trans

Venus envy?

Oh yeah! I'm a non-binary transwoman 🏳️‍⚧️ I had this bad! Ever since I can remember being attracted to girls when i was a very young "boy." I'm bi but primarily attracted to femininity. It was so confusing growing up!!! Pardon the adult language, but I never remember a time when I didn't have this disorienting feeling of "I want that ass ... and ... I want to have that ass!"🍑😊

The sad thing is is that you can never be what you were not born. You need to feel good about that. You can’t change it no matter how many body parts you cut off.