Favorite books including The Whole Brain Child: www.amazon.com/shop/anapsychology/list/2U86DCGR39MB9 As an Amazon affiliate I earn from qualifying purchases!

It’s unfair to offload emotional regulation onto other people. I don’t see why adults deserve such a high level of compassion when they’re essentially bullying you into prioritizing their feelings over your own.

Couples therapy is a huge pain when there is a maturity gap between partners.

I'm watching this and realising that I'm sometimes immature myself. I mean, I always knew this but I realise I have a long way to go.

Watching this is made me realize just how much I parented my parent as the only child of a parent

When is school going to realise that psychology should be taught in grade school

I don't know that I agree with the 25 y/o maturity thing. I've met people who are younger than me and are intellectual, emotionally mature and educated, can admit when they're wrong or don't know something. And then I know people who are older than me by decades and act like toddlers, sans any actual disorder that would cause regressiveness.

I was initially nervous to watch this video because I subconsciously thought that treating people like children would mean treating them the way my parents treated me - not very nicely. But as usual you are spot on. I sometimes find it hard to comfort people who react in unexpected ways to situations like the ones you mentioned, and these seem like the approaches I need to do better at comforting people like that. Thanks for another great video :)

I like the distinction of honoring a downstairs tantrum and guiding them out of it, but not tolerating/allowing an upstairs tantrum without consequences or setting/enforcing your boundaries

Could you do a video about immature coworkers? Or just coworkers who disrespect your boundaries, what to do when you have to hang out with them all day

as an immature person this is exactly how i want to be treated

You’re on a roll lately especially since the subject of this video applies to my relationship with my partner thank you!

I'm not saying you're completely wrong, but if an adult is used to being treated like a child, they may find it harder and harder to get away from their childish behavior.

I literally did this with parents of a teen I was working with lmao

The bit about the "upstairs tantrum" really put some things into perspective! Thanks for sharing this!

Hmm this is interesting to me, I went through an experience where someone I was living with was treating me like I was not just a child but their child (and they aren’t my parent, I barely knew them). Constantly bossing me around, getting on my case about their disapproval on any little thing I did or didn’t do. It was a nightmare. They even went as far to say I was like a two year old. I had tried on numerous occasions to meet them half way, come to them with reasonable expectations of respect, & used my words carefully. But at some point I had enough, & started acting like the defiant brat they had already characterized me as. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I didn’t feel like I had any other option, I didn’t have the means to move out. I was trapped. Edited: I am out now, though the person is still in my life due to them being in proximity to a loved one. I play polite now, but I don’t think I can ever trust them. I don’t feel emotionally safe around them.

This guy was fretting that I declined his requests to call me twice (informed him I was doing something) yet I talked to my friend who was overwhelmed with a pregnancy that came too soon. He had nothing important to talk to me about, just him being needy. I'm learning how to be patient and explained the difference between the times they called (and the weight of the topic) but how could a grown a man not understand. He's like a chiId who wants to be played with first regardless of the circumstances.

"Drunk words are sober thoughts" makes me think Im going to be persecuted for thought crimes or have impulsive or intrusive thoughts

I love your twist on applying the concept of the book to relevant situations and people in life!

If teachers or parents treat neurodivergent kids this way, they may feel that they have no motivation to become an adult because all of the benefits that come with being an adult (and you know that parents are still gonna push some of the responsibilities of an adult into the kids) are with out of reach, and different adults (people over the age of 18) have different ideas of what it means to be an adult, AND THEY ALL THINK THAT THEY'RE RIGHT. it seems most people don't know that adults and children are social constructs, and often times, neurodivergent people can't act like how some people with power over them expect them to act. I had to live a secret life away from my parents because I knew that I wouldn't learn the things I did had I just tried to force myself to be what my parents wanted me to be. I revealed in family therapy that I have lived a secret life, and they don't even believe me because I don't remember every single thing that I have learned, and so they still believe that I haven't grown up, and that I am just lazy. I still believe that my life would have been objectively better HD my parents stopped parenting me at the age of 18, but it took tons of push back (which reversed after I became hospitalized) and now, at the age of 25, they have finally decided to stop parenting me, but i think that it is partly because they gave up.

I don't know if you've read this book: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I would highly recommend that book and would love to hear your commentary on it.

As a person who has dealt with a person like this my whole life. We have to realize when a person acts like a child when they are significantly in their adulthood they never change. It’s heartbreaking but you either have to accept their childish tendencies or move on which sucks a lot

It’s tough living with children

For number 4, don't allow upstairs tantrums, you mentioned disabilities so I thought Id throw in my 2 cents as an autistic person. Id actually agree with this rule and Id caution non autistic people to not mistake autistic meltdowns for tantrums. This can be a great way to injure an autistic adult and especially an autistic child. These could be considered similar to "downstairs tantrums" and its better to ride them out and let them calm down before doing any talking/repairing.

I definetly agree with you on the saying "drunk words are sober thoughts" Loved the tips and thankfully I've already been using some of the skills so that shows I'm on the right track (the definitely help from what I've seen so far. )

I have asd level 2 and I feel so ashamed that I’m not developmentally where I should be…

I love that you incorporated the brain! I la la loved it when my psychologist brought out her brain model to put things in perspective for me.

this video was really helpful for seeing how to treat myself! i also really like how seriously you take this without making it difficult to understand. you seem really well read and like you really know what youre talking about.

Ana! This video is so stinking good you articulated and provided the science about what I have been intuitively doing ( not just to emotionally immature people but to everyone to prevent hurting feelings, effectively getting my point through and making them more aware of themselves) and thinking ( giving far more leeway to those who *pyschically* can not emotionally regulate). August love love love!!!!

Oh btw I'm seeing you post alot! :) I hope you're taking care of yourself and taking a break every now and then

I learned a lot and enjoyed listening.! Thank you 😊

This is so informative and helpful. Very well put together.

Thanks for this video! A series on twin psychology would be cool.

The connect and redirect is a good strategy to use in de-escalation as well! I worked with youth ( as of a few weeks ago, now work in another role) and when they popped off it was used a lot to try to calm down the situation.

This was quite insightful cus I have a friend who's 2 years older than me and we're both over 25, but I try not to take mutual friends' perspectives in saying that he's emotionally immature and make a conclusion for myself. I am currently trying to distance myself from this person as I do agree with the statement of wanting to surround myself with better people, though on the other hand, I try my best to be friends with this person without him feeling like he could step over my boundaries. Thank you for implementing examples as always, and looking forward to your next video!

GOOD TIMING! I'm dealing with a nightmare roommate situation.

Can you please make a video on how to heal from a mother wound, mother abandoning, emotuonally blackmailing since childhood, lovebombing, a narcissistic mother... The effects it has on us, how it manifests... Just anything. Its really hard right now, as she always goes back and forth from abandoning and loving... Been 12years.

Your videos make me want to keep notes for future use.

Awesome video!❤

Thank you for all your insight! The concept of brain integration was new to me in the context of children. My thoughts drifted away in the middle. I need to watch again. I think if people you knew that all brains are wired differently, we could show more understanding.

Fantastic book, reading it at the moment too. Great interpretation to use that on adults too!

This is fantastically helpful as an autistic individual, thank you so much !!

Hi Dr. Ana! Loving the new videos! Could you perhaps do a video on your preparations to get into grad school and journey through grad school to become a Psychologist? What were some of the requirements and recommendations to get accepted into a grad program? How did you maintain a good GPA to get accepted? What were the financial Costs? What was the experience- in terms of education workload and overall environment in grad school like? Pros and cons of grad school? All questions and answers similar to these are welcome. Thank You.

The title made me think of Lindsay C. Gibson books, would love your take on them.

Really important topic and skill set for the world that's full of immature but old enough people and those who Choose "violence". This who can't regulate is the one who's being abused more than those who's being aggressive by choice.

This is slightly triggering to me because its exactly how I've been talking to my parents, even tho they traumatized me and didnt treat me well as a child. My parents weren't ready to have children at all

What if something is (for lack of a better word) triggering to somebody? When I was with my ex, I found it difficult to address past fights. Bringing a fight up was often enough to reignite the fight.

It's like you knew that I considered breaking up with my immature friend last week and then this week reconsidered in lieu of a less drastic approach.

I have a friend who is very immature and invasive and it was hard for me to set boundaries with her since she kept on overstepping them, so now I feel drained whenever I'm around her or even when I think about her or people like her. I see her everyday because we are classmates 😪 thank you for this video

I’m a fairly new subscriber. Your content is amazing!! The tips you shared in this video are very helpful. Thank you!! I’m in my mid-30s, and for as long as I can remember I’ve always been fascinated by human behavior. (I’ve been told by strangers and friends alike that I have a therapist-type personality.) Also, I just subscribed to your book channel. I’m a book fanatic! If you’re interested, can I give you a nonfiction book suggestion? I read it a few years back. It’s been life changing for me!

I heard a mother taliking to her child this way, after the kid had a tantrum that turned into a meltdown, that is a totally different thing. The kid was telling the mother how he felt but the mother didn't understand or listen and didn't wait until the motion had passed. She was just basically shaming the kid for telling about his feelings. This can so easily be used to make children believe that there's something wrong with the way they're feeling or the way they are and lead to dysregulated adults later on life. "Double empathy problem" makes this a weapon, not a recousfull tool for neurotypicals that try to talk to autistic people. When saying "I understand that you feel 'this way' because of 'this thing' " is gonna lead to lot of shit, because you can't read someones thoughts and why exactly they feel some way. You can't understand, if you don't ask first - and even then, you fully can't understand. Saying that is really condescending and not helpful at all.

02:30 Do you have any videos on how we can become more nuanced in our way of thinking? I'm someone who's trying to learn that but I notice that even if I do emphasize with other people and I can understand their perspective, I tend to be get very frustated still later and I think that my way of thinking is correct and they're so wrong so they're either "stupid" or there's something wrong with them.

For skill 1, what happens if they deny they're having an emotion at all and are insisting you're the emotional one, and theyre using blaming language to circumvent aconowldging feeling? Ie insted of "i feel so unsupported by you" you'e being met with a barrage of personal criticisms abour yourself as a person- "you alwaus do things wrong, you did this and you're like that" ?

My boyfriend's older brother is 30 years old, has autism, but has never left the house or gotten a job. His parents spoil him. His few responsibilities are doing some house chores, and he throws tantrums about that. My bf and I worry for him. I have no idea if his tantrums are "upstairs" or "downstairs" but my frustration has me believe he's just spoiled and doesnt want to grow up. Then again, autism is a spectrum, and his might be worse than others I know who at least make an effort to be better versions of themselves. Idk. I watched the video to try and get some insight but its hard to say where the problem lies...

If you are in any type of relationship with a narcissist, and especially a malignant vulnerable narcissist or if it is a family member, coworker you must interact with, they ALWAYS behave like children. The worst thing you can ever do is to treat them like children. They will exploit you and usually sooner than later harm you every time. I am not even a minute into this video and I can't watch it knowing the absolute harm this will cause to anyone that takes this person's advice if they are involved in any way with a narcissist.

dont know if what im going to say is an unpopular opinion, or im just selfish....... but if in early stages of a relatioship (talking stages), whether its a romantic relationship or just a friendship, i see that the person im talking to has the mind of a kid ---- he or she is immature ---- i inmediately decide not to continue evolving the relationship into something else (bigger and better); im not someones father, teacher or mentor thats there for him/her to mature if he or she is the same age as me. maturity is one of those things in life that arent and shouldnt be taught by someone else; its life experiences that make one mature....... yes, if i realize he or she is immature, i move on. dont have much time to invest it into an adultchild........

Every time I interact with child I get a recommendation like this

Ya im def immature 😂 ouch need to work on this

Yea it’s not up to me to teach a grown person, that should have consideration for my feelings as well

22:20 Even Anna Akana said this! Ever since hearing that, I've been inculcating that in myself too! So glad I watch videos like this :) makes me want to improve myself and makes me realise that there is a lot of humility in being human and not knowing things.

Reminds me of my last concussion when I flipped out on my Mom for waking me up trying to check on me. 😢 I felt so bad later on, sorry Ma

Do you think you could do a video on the concept of relationship competency and how that can potentially make or break a relationship.

You mentioned personality disorders and depression but what about manic episodes in bipolar and psychosis in schizophrenia.

Wait did I hear DR.? You’re not an intern anymore? Omg congrats 😭😭💕

my mom actually gets mad at me when I don't wanna help her solve problems lol idk if this is normal, but it's been my reality since I can remember...

i bought a book like that for a friend and added a couple pages of my own. you could not tell the book had been altered in any way. using the style of the author, i went into depth about how a baby's reaction to the pull my finger joke is used as a milestone gauge by pediatricians, worldwide. i thought it was funny

The first advice is like what Jonathan Haidt said. Address the elephant before the rider

Hey Ana, could you make a video one day on birth order? All of my girlfriends are eldest daughters, like me. I'm curious if that is a coincidence, or do we attract each other. When it comes to dating, I've noticed I am drawn to the youngest.

I need this. I told my partner he couldn’t get in my car the other day because I didn’t have a baby seat 😂

Omg the title of this video is so petty and I mean that in the best way possible 😂

What if my parents treat me like a child even though I'm 18 and a half? I aint immature. I wanna get tf outta my house, and my friends are helping me out. My parents have procrastinated helping me get my drivers license for YEARS. God, they made it so I couldnt take drivers edd in 10'th grade by making it stupidly hard to get my permit.

I am an LCSW and love your videos!! Would untreated ADHD still constitute an upstairs tantrum in your estimation? Thank you.

I really enjoy watching your videos. Yes, I agree drunk words are sober thoughts. Intoxication makes them unable to hide how they really feel or think 💭

My pre frontal cortex is damaged, what kind of doctor can help with this?

How do you know whether the person is having an upstairs tantrum or a normal one?

GIGACHAD Ana

Hey Dr. Ana! Thanks a lot for your work. You helped me a lot with your videos! I have a question, and maybe you can help me with it. (Also, I'm sorry for my English, I'm no native speaker) My ex boyfriend was childish, but in a different way. Whenever he had a problem with me, he started showing me the cold shoulder. I always asked, if everything was alright, that I feel something is wrong, but he would always tell me that 'everything is fine'. At one point he stopped greeting me when he came home. He wouldn't speak a word for several weeks, and I felt like an idiot, constantly trying to get him to talk. We stopped having s*x for several months at this point, but I kept trying talking to him in a very calm voice but as always 'everything is fine'. I think half a year went on like this, until he finally broke the silence and said, that he was jealous because of my previous boyfriend. He broke it off with me, and his main complaint about our relationship was, that I never shouted. Whenever I wanted or needed something from him, or whenever I was annoyed with anything I usually just talked about it in an mature and calm way. And he told me, that I should have shouted at one point in our relationship, and that was the reason why he broke up. Is it really necessary, to go get mad in relationships? What should I do when my partner doesn't want to talk about things, and is showing me the cold shoulder for weeks/months? Till this day, I still think about the breakup and I haven't had a relationship afterwards for years now. I really thought that we could marry one day, and I tried my best to put everything into that relationship, but I never got the warmth from my ex boyfriend which I wanted. Maybe you can make a video about it? Thanks a lot in advance!

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The title triggered me, I love it 🥲

How would this apply to neurodivergent people? Some people with autism have alexathymia (trouble identifying/communicating emotions).

Could you do a video how to do this for yourself?

So if I’m in a relationship with someone who is 21 and throwing temper tantrums are you saying thats warranted for? It seems like an excuse, but I also feel like my mental age is older than I actually am.

"When I have kids". Boy it's never easier to be a parent than before you have kids. I will just validate them and they will be great! How about, you do everything right and they are rude to you and say no to everything you ask, no matter how reasonable or how you approach it.

@Ana: Would you say that avoidantly attached people have emotional self-control? I had a few situations with someone I knew where they basically had a small tantrum about seemingly unimportant things: their brand of milk not being in the fridge, me speaking to them in slightly upset tones after they woke me up while trying to sleep, misinterpreting texts, them thinking I was ignoring tham when they'd asked for space etc. Relationships obviously make some people more emotionally dysregulated but...

Is cerebral palsy considered a brain injury for the purpose of upstairs versus downstairs tantrums? I have cerebral palsy and I have always had a hard time regulating my emotions. I've been to therapy and take psychiatric medications,. I don't have downstairs tantrums or at least what I think we're downstairs tantrums nearly as much as I used to when I was a teenager, but I do still have some. Or at least it feels like it's out of control.

Me doing this to myself

14:34 - Does being in love count as a decreased state of self-control too?

and what are you ?

22:29-22:44 12:04 19:05 20:45

can you do a similar video re coworkers and bosses/csuite.

Bro how if they're your parents

Most of the time the new weird psychopathic type of helping nature & attitude these days is more dangerous than anything else because most people these days keep developing new ways of saying no & like corona virus's defense mechanisms, most people are now developing new ways to lie & deceive about everything, for example: like imagining that first helpless person has to wait for help on the road for several hours after the accident, then the second person comes to the scene, then to the first person that second person suddenly starts giving educational speech about everything, lectures about everything, motivational speech about everything & then starts showing advertisements on mobile phone about everything instead of providing immediate help & then that second person runs away without providing any official effective help. 16/05/2024, thursday 16 may 2024, 12:41 p.m, indore, madhya pradesh, india.

I'm confused. If I'm feeling strong negative emotions because of my partner's mistreatment, and even though I'm trying to suppress them and "choose" not to cry, but I can't, does this mean that I'm immature?

19:42

19:51

You're assuming that children act irrationally temporarily and then are ready to listen to reason. Ummmm..... children be like no.

Here's how you address them: don't.

Bicycles are not just kids toys. But that is the normie stereotype.

I feel the left side is more logical 😜 1:21