When I’m alone I crave emotional and physical bond, but the moment I actually start talking to someone I completly freeze and then try to run away as fast as possible. Why are we our own worst enemy?😩

I’ve noticed I’ve sabotaged friendships, from feeling like I was being abandoned & that became a self fulfilling prophecy.

Thank you for this!!! He literally just broke up w me but that’s bc I worked so hard to ruin the relationship just to confirm my insecurities. :(

it's tough to realize that you are sabotaging yourself and your partner, while thinking that you are putting a lot of effort into the relationship fun stuff

I sabotaged my last relationship. Almost everyday I got upset at whatever he did and I realized now it's because I haven't healed. He was a great man I can admit that; quite understanding, responsible, mature literally ticked all the boxes. He grew up around healthy marriages where if there was a problem they would communicate while in my family there would be arguments and fights everyday. I was told to talk to a therapist and I tried 2 but they haven't helped one bit. I still hope we rekindle in the future

my ex self sabotaged a very healthy supportive relationship. his past relationship was extremely toxic, so i feel like he tried to "overcorrect" by leaving me so he could justify that he does have the capacity to leave a "bad relationship"...except, he ended a good relationship in a bad way.

This is a good topic!

"gaze at reality, even if it isnt what you want to see" solid advice

Self-sabotage is so harmful I can't even tell. I feel that in my case there is a fear of abandonment at the base for that. At least, that is what came out from my therapist. The thing that surprises me the most is that, apparently, I tend to self-sabotage potential relationships before they even turn romantic. Probably for fear of rejection and for fear of being vulnerable. I am not even sure whether that is a thing that has ever been researched It was an interesting topic! Your videos keep helping me in this journey of self-development. You are amazing!

My ex-fiancée of 4 years would tell me they wanted quality time, then when I made plans or hung out with them they were always on their phone. They never really wanted the quality time, and self sabotaged the relationship. No amount of gifts, touch, words of affirmation (would say I said I love you too much and she felt pressured to say it back, weird behavior), acts of service, etc were never good enough for her. I ended it because it was getting to the point where my own sanity was starting to unwind. They can figure it out and sort through their own issues, but it deeply pains me knowing how much I still love them.

Acceptance (number 5 in the video) for me and maybe for some others reading is we have to accept our partners expression of love even though we don't see it in ourselves or we feel we don't deserve it. People will love us for reasons we will never understand and have to accept and trust the feelings our partners have are genuine in order to continue and maintain a healthy relationship without self sabotaging. I pray to whoever is watching this video and myself that we will find a partner that makes us feel safe, secure, and loved.

I've done this a couple times until I worked on myself, then I met a man who did this to me and it is painful to experience, and very frustrating. But you can't force someone to see their worth or get help

This has been very helpful for me. I just went thru a breakup and realized we both contributed to the failure. We both had trouble proactively working on problems, which led to her becoming uncommitted and me pretending the relationship was better than it actually was. In the end, she left me even though I was still committed. I wish I could go back with what I know now, but I know I needed to go thru this to learn and grow. Hopefully next time will be better.

This brings so much regret. Hopefully we can all heal from this nightmare roller coast. ❤

I always end up with people where both of us sabotage the relationship with a combined effort , and almost all the points you mentioned tick. Its like all of them happen . It has just left me over with a very bitter taste, and I have been fed up of hurting myself and others. Too bad I am discovering this video too late, could have saved some trouble if this video was made a few years ago. I was about to give up on being in a relationship ever again, maybe this will help me re evaluate , thank you doctor.

I never get past the talking stage, i knew I was the main cause of it but didn't quite understand why I do the things I do or how to stop

As she is describing what not to do, there is a theme underlining good behavior that would handle all of this: Be honest in a simple non angry way and do it consistently. I like to handle this by asking a LOT of questions to my girlfriends about what they're going through. Couple that w/ choosing someone well and a little leadership, and that would be a good base.

I’ve been guilty of self-sabotage so many times over the years. I’m not sure fully how to stop myself 😅

This made me realize how much I've been sabotaging many relationships in my whole life :) it happens everytime, when i like someone, i want them to like me back, the second i know we have mutual feelings then I'd just run away ;-; too many excuses ;-; it scares me until now..kind of knowing and afraid that i might fuck things up. Too complicated yet sad at the same time

Still something I struggle with. I'm planning to get back with my ex but I'm ashamed of what I've done to him in the past and even though he's moved on from that and still wants to be with me, I still resent myself for the things I did. I didn't realize how much I needed him until now, and I still am scared I'll mess up the relationship with my insecurities and guilt from the past.

could you do a video talking about how people get attached easy, i found out that in some cases it links to abandonment issues and that is something that applies to me and with how you go into so much detail i’d love to see a video on it :))

This is some good stuff, self-sabotage if feel is more prevalent in those of us with a bit of a narcissistic personality. Thanks for the insight.

Your skin looks bomb

Sometimes I have sabotaged, other times I was scared I was sabotaging, but was really just noticing what I did not want to believe. Like being straight lied to, serious mismatch of actions and words, etc.

In a way love is still involved, to fall quick is to involve love that's in all ways, you got in a great topic. A house with love in it is better than any lie that's about love.

thank you for this! recently had to end things with the person I was seeing for a while because she did something really self-destructive (old behavior from prior trauma that cropped up again after years) that hurt me and us really badly…even though it’s so hard for both of us she decided that she needed to step back, go to therapy, and try to figure out what’s going on with herself and heal from whatever trauma caused her to act out really out of the blue and self-sabotage something really great and healthy…it was hard to hear that she thinks it’s because she, subconsciously, probably feels like she doesn’t deserve it, and is scared she can’t live up to what I/we need, so that fear took over and yeah…it’s hard… we have lots of love for each other but at least right now it’s for the best 🥲 and I’m glad she wants to nip this in the bud and work on herself and if we decide to come back together sometime in the future I’m sure we’ll both be better for it

When I watched it at .75x, that was the right speed to watch so I could absorb what was being said. Thank you!

Thank you I believe I have fear of commitment! I am currently in a relationship and going down the self sabotage I have done many times before

How to stop self sabotaging; Become aware of the traits of self sabotage that you being to your relationships Learn to trust more Be a better communicator Provide a safe space in the relationship for healing and understanding Have a level of understanding and acceptance for where you are and where you want be to have a healthy relationship

Oh yesh...these silly annoying feelings we all dont like about ourselves 😂😭 Dr. Ana, thank you for making this video ❤ It helps to hear you talk about the concepts and ways to go about with it. I say that because I am many of some that didnt have a loving father who was a narcissist parent and who didnt know to communicate nor work with my mom. Then I get myself into relationships with men who blame me for making them feel a sort of kind of way of themselves because I didn't know how to communicate. So I took the blame because that's how I'm conditioned. But no more! I'm happily in a beautiful relationship with a man I got very lucky to catch via dating apps. Communication is key and to know how to practice on communiting is incredibly challenging. It's not part of most individuals' language landscape. It's literally re-programming your mind to respond differently to a romantic dilemma. Mental workout baby 🤸‍♀️🤸🤸‍♂️ Much love to anyone who is finally able to speak gracefully on their own behalf ❤

Thank you for this video I really needed this. I just spent whole weekend with my boyfriend and I wanted it to be amazing but I was crying the whole time :(:(

You are wise beyond your years, thank you so much for making these kind of videos.

I've been learning a bit more, as I want to say this, I want to learn more about relationships and how they function. I noticed that I can be overbearing sometimes, and overall have high expectations over everything. There is still a lot for me to improve on like commitment, being honest about my feelings, and healthy boundaries.

This is a ton of information in 10minutes. I will need to watch again and again

felt this felt this felt this felt this felt this felt this felt this felt this

To help people that’s great to help people that need it 😊

I watch your videos all the time, they are so informative and calming at the same time, I have always thought psychology would be interesting if ever I started reading about it, but your channel is so perfect to learn. Thanks a lot Ana! Please keep uploading your research and everything like you already do

My partner doesnt tell me somethings, like she doesnt tell me whats shes doing very much, even if I ask wyd, she doesnt share as much as I want to know and i dont know how to communicate that without it being a self sabatage-like situation. And its a long distance relationship. So im ignoring my feelings about it and just going to settle for this for now cause i know i can be overthinking sometimes. But theres something about this person that i fundamentally dont trust and it sucks cause i dont know how to rebuild trust, especially with how she communicates. Makes me feel miserable sometimes, because i dont always have trust issues in the past, its just with certain people who communicate poorly, or kinda superficially.

It's also ok to just be & be by yourself. Life is a rollercoaster of situations that require adaptive change, to some degree; it's how we find our success techniques. We are animals with biological impulses that aren't always in our own best interests. Remember, she's more animal than princess, because the princess parts are all transient, social and psychological constructs - often incongruent with real life as a living, breathing animal.

Self-sabotage is definitely a problem for me, but for far more complicated reasons. My first crush died in a car accident when I was 13, and that alone has made it hard for me to trust anyone. I feel like everyone around me is deluded by rom-com logic, and I'm the only person who knows the truth. I see some overly happy couple, and all I see are two people who don't understand that it all ends in death anyway. Everyone I fall in love with is unavailable, and those who are available are so naive that I can't stand them. I'm 32 now, and I'm at that point where I'm ready to give up and say that my first crush is the closest I'll ever have to a real relationship. It sucks, but it looks more realistic as time passes.

Very informative video, tysm! I've never even been in a romantic relationship lol, but now that I'm nearing 30 I feel like I'm really missing out and I guess there's an underlying reason behind the fact that I've always considered love not worthy of my attention...? I'm not aro/ace, so that's probably some kind of negative stereotype or something along those lines. Moreover, I come from a country with a pretty homophobic government which has desided to lash out on LGBTQ+ people, so exploring my needs in a relationship as a bisexual is kinda difficult atm 😅 For everyone who's interested in this topic I really recommend a TV show called "Couples Therapy". It has really opened my eyes on some of the negative behaviors that people unconsciously engage in. A must watch, I'd say.

This really helped me understand where I went wrong in previous relationships and what I need to do moving forward to cultivate a growth mindset. I’ve been learning a lot from the gottmans as well.

This channel is gold. Thank you

Good video . I liked it because u gave different ways and examples of why and how we self sabotage because there is not just one way or reason people do it, so it’s good that u were conscious of that

Okay, thanks for giving me a list of eeee-verything I did in my previous relationship 😭😭😭💔

this is the most helpful thing i’ve ever watched

I needed to hear this. Thank you!

yayy Ana 🇷🇴 so happy to be one of the first to watch! Love your content

thank u so much!!!! you deserve billions of views your videos can save lives 💗💓💞💕

I see myself in this video all too well. xc And then there's my boyfriend who confessed to me he used to be abusive in the past and is scared of repeating past mistakes and I can see a bit of it now too (being pushy and trying to go fast and fantasising about our future in a way that is either unrealistic or is too intense for me at this stage lol, mostly). We're a good match in a way that we're both extra flawed it seems, but at the very least we're good at communicating honestly and being vulnerable and addressing our issues without fighting.

Well, looks like i'm done with long term relationships then

Thank you. This resonated deeply.

3:54 i remember ana using this anecdote as her own past experience in a previous video, idc who it happened to, it is a good example either way :)

The amount of times I’ve self sabotaged because of feelings of loneliness and abandonment from multiple events countless friends in my childhood have made me end up here where I ruined the best relationship of my life because I was stuck in my ways and was being dishonest, I would never ever cheat on my partner but I was afraid that I wouldn’t live up or they would leave me eventually. I feel so worthless because she was the best thing to happen to me and I don’t even know what to do.

It might be useful to explore how these patterns may emerge in childhood in response to emotional neglect or the like. Internal Family Dynamics is a wonderful topic and I'd love to see your take on it!

An incredibly enlightening video, thank you!

Unfortunately I think my own dad does most of the things that are talked about in this video... like it's been months since I started to question his attitudes, to the point of wondering if he really loved me and my sister - maybe he's ""just"" sabotaging it all without realising. The inferiority complex, the "checklist" (this one I think that has a lot to do with sexism too, idk it just feels like any woman in my dad's life that doesn't/ didn't "play the role correctly" of a mother/wife/sister/daughter isn't worth of anything), the story of being hurt once... it's crazy. I'm now in the work of healing myself, but as I'm still living with him, I try my best to talk but he takes any criticism as a personal attack, saying that I'm poisoning and ruining everything... it's tiring, he thinks that he's always right. So now I'll focus on myself and avoid repeating his mistakes in my own relationships... or should I keep trying to talk with him? Anyways, it's been a while since I first watched your vids, they showed up for me in almost divine timing as I was already deep into a moment of reflection lmao Seriously, your channel has helped me to understand so much... I'm extremely grateful for that ❤ (btw english is my 2nd language so I'm sorry if my comment was confusing ☹)

Great job I am getting a lot of things done with this so fantastic job I like the advice 😊great job 😊😊

I'm the sabotager it's because I feel stuck. I am a very communicative person but my partner angry issues get in the way of me wanting to be vulnerable with him because I just get yelled at or I get petty and rude comments from him if I ever feel bad about something between us. I'm not complaining about him but some things he does trigger me and when I take the time to open up, it feels like he is closing his doors on me and start being defensive which make me want to not talk to him. I don't know how to get some support from him instead of feeling like he's against me. it's hard for me to believe he loves me when he says it afterwards.

I'm loving this series of videos, please keep doing them, to explain this kind of papers is high quality content !!! Thank you !!!

Thank you Ana! I learned a lot!

What should I do if my partner is self sabotaging?

Thanks this was very helpful

"I'm watching these so that I can be more mindful and emotionally available for my future wife ... Wherever she is + I hope she watches this also." 🙃 (VALUABLE RELATIONSHIP TOOLS) Nice.Nice.

I don’t understand how trying really hard in a relationship to make it work could sabotage it, I’ve also never been in one so maybe that’s something

Great job keep it up with new KZfaq videos channel

Kind of off topic for this video. But in the future, could you do a video and/or series on emotional invalidation. I personally feel it's something that doesn't get enough attention in general from the public eye. It's caused me a lot of emotional harm.

I’m currently heart broken. My girlfriend just left me at the very peak of my affection for her. She just seemed to become completely emotionally detached from me for no no reason at all… I’ve asked why and she just shrugs her shoulders and says she feels nothing and she doesn’t know why. I’m struggling… Help!! :((

This video is for me 😂

WHEN I WAS 14 A GIRL BROKE MY HEART SHE TOOK ANOTHER GUY TO MIDDLE SCHOOL PROM AND I'VE NEVER BEEN THE SAME AGAIN BTW ARE YOU UP I'M DEEEAAAADDDD

I notice that one of the methods of sabotage is clinging to your partner, but one of the solutions to sabotage is commitment. It seems that in some situations, there's some level of conflict between these ideas. For example, let's say that your relationship finishes the honeymoon phase after 1 year together. Shortly after you begin experiencing conflict with your partner. Your partner quickly comes to the conclusion that the relationship will not work out perhaps because this their first or second time experiencing this. They then express their desire to end the relationship. In this situation, it seems that putting effort into sustaining the relationship at this point demonstrates both commitment and clingyness. What would be an appropriate balance in this situation? Or am I missing something important by posing this question and example?

Very helpful video. This describes me to a tee. Trying to figure out how to work on it.

Your channel is incredible!

Welp, too late. Thanks for the advice, though!

Thank you Ana. Your videos definitely help:( :)

I've never felt so called out by a video lmao

I discovered your channels today. You have very good contents. I will take my time to watch your videos during the weekend. 😎👍

I want to hear about why outsiders might sabotage your relationships with others- including friendships.

I know all in theory, but hard to apply in real life relationships when subconscious, inner child , wound , trauma and triggers are dancing all together at the same time

Yasss about to watch this while I work, love ur vids Ana ♥

this was fantastic. thank you!

I was talking with someone up until a couple weeks ago. I wasn’t doing anything that exactly fits this list, but I did put too much pressure on myself and the other person to get a relationship going after a month when it really would take 3-4 months for them to feel comfortable with me. I could certainly communicate this with her since it’s only been a couple weeks since we texted (and a couple days since we crossed paths in person, I did my best to bring a friendly vibe), but I don’t really know girls to really look for someone to redeem themself. I don’t mind taking the space to say my piece, but I don’t know if this message will be well received.

Thank you,I needed this

When he's close to me, I push him away and when he's away I miss him so much. I've recently tried ending the whole thing inventing excuses all of a sudden and how it hurt him breaks my heart. I don't know where the line is between self sabotaging versus actually leaving cuz one's fundamental standards aren't being met

Hello great topic as always, Can you provide more info maybe related to Borderline personality disorder, usually many of the person with this condition tends to sabotage themselves

I had really bad trust issues my entire relationship. I'm not sure if its self sabotaging because I never wanted the relationship to end. I just can't figure out how to get passed this insecurity.

5:11 “btw are u up?” LOL

Buna ziua Ana 🇹🇩💙💛❤

It can be alittle overwhelming to consider everything all at once

Salutations Anna! I suspect that I have employed some of these techniques in the past and that I may be avoiding any potentially romantic relationships from developing as a result of some past traumatic experiences. I am not quite sure how to overcome some of these defense mechanisms now. Thank you for posting these videos! Please have an excellent and awesome day! ✨☀️

don't get into a relationship thinking it's going to be permenent, because it probably won't.

I have trust issues , but I still give it a shot

Great video!

Basically anything is a sign of self-sabotage

Love this video so much. IS THAT A MBDTF PAINTING ON YOUR BACKGROUND ❤❤❤❤❤

I’ve been slowly seeing a girl for a few weeks and I am really really falling for her, however recently I was out drinking and ended up sleeping with her best friend, I did not initiate the hook up however I still went through with it which is just so so awful. I’ve completely broken her trust and I feel so so guilty. I feel like this could be an example of self sabotage as in maybe I subconsciously got scared that things were going well finally and I went through with something that doesn’t feel like something I’d ever do. I still really like the girl I was seeing and am going to give her some space, I would love us to be close again one day once I’ve proved to her that she can trust me again, however I will respect her decision no matter what. What do you guys think?

Happy😊 navratri🙏 (hindu new year)

The good doctor is pretty

How do you know if you're sabotaging a relationship vs the relationship just isn't right for you?

It's a great video it help me a lot🤗