Hi DrZ. Since I was a child, I've been hiding this feeling to everyone; today I'm married with three children and I'm incapable of tell my wife the truth that I'm starting to accept, that I'm trans. I keep this secret life, going out as a woman when I can, but it's getting harder and harder to return to my "normal" life, on the other hand I'm really afraid of losing everything, so now I feel that I'm in an impossible crossroad.

I am 100% living a double life and it is terrible! I’m out to all my friends/Family however I love in the south east US and it’s honestly scary af to present how I feel most comfortable because I definitely don’t “pass” yet. My wife and I are trying to move to the Pacific Northwest, but we’re both in the military so we’re on their time.

I did live a double life for a while (no longer!) One aspect of it also is the constant fear of being "found out". Keeping two lives separate and living with the fear that someone who doesn't know may stumble upon a clue and figure it out, that's exhausting. And apart from that, I managed a few years of double life, but I will agree that by the end, whenever I had to return back to a male presentation, that had a heavy toll on my mental health. It was completely disorienting and messed up with my head

I’m currently living the work double life. I’m out to family and friends, and use my preferred pronouns, voice, dress, etc. everywhere outside of work. I’ve even been on HRT for nearly 3yrs. Luckily I only go to work in person twice a week, so it’s not unbearable but the longer it’s gone on the harder it gets to put up with everything. The only reason I’m still doing it is because I’m afraid of losing my job if I come out (not from being fired, but from it becoming a hostile environment ). I need the job for the insurance to cover my SRS (currently scheduled!), so after I get that I’m coming out and don’t care if I have to find a new job. And honestly, the biggest negative of my work double life is the pain that I still pass as a guy and nobody questions it, despite being on HRT for years. It really damages my confidence in my transition and ability to pass as a woman. It’s also difficult to listen to transphobic comments and not speak up due to fears of being outed. Also, I previously lived the double life with family and friends as well, and that was much more mentally painful. It felt like I was a book being torn in half, and it was such a relief when I finally came out to them. I don’t have that same feeling with work thankfully.

Dr. Z I just want to say thank you for all of the content that you touch base on. I have been watching you since before the start of my transition and you have helped me to put so many things into perspective. I appreciate all of the time and hard work you have touched base on when it comes to gender dysphoria all the way up to gender transition and beyond. You are an amazing person and thank you so so much!!

I came out to my partner not long after realising what was going on for me. It made it worse as she wasn't accepting and I had to sneak around even more. I then tried to give it all up but after a few months was suicidal. After she realised that I was talking to friends about my distress, there was a big argument and then such a hostile environment I had to move out. Felt good for a few days, then the dysphoria hit me like a train. I think it's the cumulative effect of feeling shamed by my ex, her controlling behaviour that wanted to keep me there but didn't want the "trans stuff", and trauma from my youth (in the 1970s) that has made it so bad. I've got a support group and good friends, taking it slowly to work through it.

Dear, dr z. Just to let you know I lived a double life almost my entire life including 43 years of marriage. I final revealed my inner self to my wife in Sept. 2023. She accepted me for who I really am. I am much happier and less depressed than I have ever been. It’s been 6 months now and we are having a great relationship and both of us are happy. Thank you.

If you have no relationship, career,kids, anything like that. You will still have doubts. Your human. This is hard to deal with. Your human. I have done all this. Your not alone, I promise. 💖🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈🏴‍☠️

28 years I hid it from my wife. Then in 2015 I almost had a complete breakdown and came out to her. Everything you describe I did! I thought I was handling it perfectly fine until that day.....We are separating this year so that I can finally live my TRUE life! Thank you for making these video's, so many mirror my life! LOL

Hello Dr. Z! Thank you for your support and life tips! Your opinion is greatly useful to me and many trans women! I live my double life but as you tell us: “push the envelope little by little!” I do it like this! I like being a woman and I dislike being a man because I have a hope of being able to be the woman I’ve always wanted to be! I’m very happy when I’m myself for now that’s on weekends, holidays, and when I get back from work! I am a woman and it makes me very happy to be free! I will follow your advice and uncover my true self in front of my relatives and in my work when the time is right! Thank you Natalia for being a guardian angel for the entire trans community 🏳️‍⚧️ 🌈🥰👏!

Well now I know, thanks. I'm so screwed! I guess I need to face reality.

I tried to ignore my feelings of being a woman. But it is extremely hard to resist trying womans clothes on. Trying to ignore being a woman and living as a man is a double life.

I've recently have identified myself. Thank you for this video because I've been trying to consider my path. I fall into the 2nd camp. Today is both my actual birthday and also I feel it as a rebirth to my real self. I literally was thinking about this subject this morning before the video release. I've been telling myself I can live a double life one professionally and the other personally. I am older and trying to figure out how I'm going navigate my life from today's rebirth. Thank you for your content as it has been really helpful with my discovery.

It gets harder and harder all the time. The stress is over the top.

Thank you Dr. Z. I am in the early stages of transitioning socially. I have built a small friends group in person, these are friends I made in college over the last year to 3 years. I secretly started a microdose of hormones in February 2023 but stopped in April because of lack of money.I recently came out as trans to my cousins, a few weeks ago and explained the nature of my abusive family to them. I am a recent college student in a world of student debt struggling, I work part time and have been unable to find a good fit of a job, I’ve gone to interviews, under my dead name, I’ve been applying for the last 8 months since graduation but my home life living with my parents is a mess. I feel like you said in limbo and I didn’t consider aside from the parental abuse how big a factor that my dysphoria plays in the building anger, frustration and sadness I continue to feel daily. I feel like a volcano that is ready to erupt but it’s like somebody put a lid on that volcano and now it’s going to internally combust. I’ve reached out to a trans advocacy organization but due to the nature of my situation. It feels like I have no way out/through this to get to living an authentic life.

Dr. Z. Thank you for your channel and great info. This will be a very long post, and sorry in advance. This video gave me a lot to think about. I am “sort of” living a double life. I am non-binary, trans-masculine, 67 years old. 5 years on “T”, 3 years top surgery. No intimate relationship, but still working, I am a massage therapist, semi-retired. I work from my home, so no other therapists or "boss" around. I say “sort of”, because my clients of many years have always thought of me as female, despite my androgynous presentation (dark coloured scrubs are pretty gender neutral). I had my top surgery during the early pandemic when most businesses were mandated to be locked down. So not many people knew, and I had ample time to recover before re-opening my practice. I had a legal name and gender change which took about 1 year to complete with all the paperwork and costs necessary. I changed the spelling of my name to a masculine one, changed one letter really, but this required notifying all my clients of this due to billing which is now in my current (more masculine) legal name. I am in that awkward process of having my clients call me by the updated name. I know this will take time, so I am patient. But they were all curious as to why, now, the change. I came up with stock answers which were half-truths but did not disclose my gender change. I did ask my massage association for guidance in possibly coming out to clients, do they have any ethical/boundary issues, and guidelines to do this safely for clients and for myself. (I am in a fairly conservative area of the country). The association had no clue, have never had this request before and have no knowledge on how to proceed, so I was left on my own to figure this out. Reaching out to other professionals, I mostly got that it is a personal decision, it might be best to not disclose, clients are there for therapy and don’t need to know that I am non-binary, all the way to a chiropractor MTF who at first tried to present male, but was so uncomfortable that she finally came out as trans-femme, and lost half her clients. This left me more confused than ever, and so I continue to not disclose this information. While I have facial hair, I have been wearing a medical mask since the pandemic, and will continue to as I am immunocompromised, so clients will likely never see my face. When I hear someone address me with “she/her”, I now am starting to tell them that I use “they/them” pronouns. A few of them have figured this out, but haven’t said anything really. Yet, I don’t have guidance professionally as to what to do here. Massage is a different “business”, which requires strong professional boundaries, and a large amount of trust from the client, due to the intimate nature of the treatment. Breaching that trust by coming out might lead to some feeling betrayed (as a professional pointed out), when they thought I was female all this time, and find out that I am a different gender. It is also confusing when a client who still sees me as female refers someone, who then observes that I look like a man to them, and they tell me straight up that they were expecting a female and don’t want to be massaged by a male therapist, and then leave. What am I to say? Well, I used to be a woman? Anyhow, my decision to not come out directly to them is mostly financial at this point. The pandemic shut downs caused me to lose half my clients. I am sobered by the chiro who lost clients over coming out, and if I lost half of the half I have left, I am financially screwed. It is certainly hard to not be seen as my full self, but really, I am a therapist who happens to be trans, I have not changed how I dress, what I do, I am still me. When I retire, maybe in the next couple of years or so, I won’t see these people again, so I wonder why bother. As long as the people I am close to in my personal life accept and respect who I am, that should be enough.

I didn't have the limbo at home, as I came out to my future wife very early on in our dating in 1980. And I was able to live in my male guise fairly well, but as time went on, the return to male mode was getting harder and harder. I finally had to come out and transition. I don't regret waiting, but I am definitely enjoying life now as my authentic self!

Hi Dr Z! Im still in early transition and your content has helped me tremendously! Right now im still living a double life as a trans woman and the hardest part for me is the return to male presentation. To go from happiness at my female presentation to feeling the weight of dysphoria and depression.....its too much. A few times i've cried uncontrollably for hours on end. Im only out to my partner for now, whose support im lucky to have! For now, im too scared of judgement if i came out at work or to my (estranged) family. I used to only present as female on Friday nights...then that increased to weekends when i came out to my partner. Recently i added feminine elements to my male presentation like having my nails done, earrings and some jewelry. It helps me to feel better, but its not really as fulfilling as fully presenting female. Im quickly getting to a point where i may have to rip the bandaid off, so to speak.

Hi DrZ, I rediscovered your channel about a month ago and been trying to binge watch/listen to you. I have been living the double life for about 20 years now and it is very difficult. So 20 years ago I thought this was a fetish and thought it would change once I was married, I was wrong. My new wife stumbled across things about 6 months later and there wer fights and the attempt to understand, thankfully. So she knows but doesn’t want to be apart of this side of me. We also have a 7 year old daughter whom u am also trying to keep this from as well as the rest of the family and friends. Being alone with this is very difficult and I envision if I ever came out I would be alone as well, so for that reason I have chosen the double life and fully anticipate the wall will com crashing down Vera being slowly taken apart one day.

I just suppressed. Becoming suicudal convinced me to stop hiding.

Thank you Dr. Z, not just for this video (which is so on point) but for everything you do. Your content has helped me immensely. This video really struck a chord with me, I'm 11 years married, and came to accept I'm trans over the pandemic lockdown. Since then I've been keeping it to myself and really struggling through the dysphoria. The guilt and fear has been eating away at me, and you're absolutely right in that my spouse has noticed changes in my mood. Asking if everything is ok, and I'm paralyzed to answer.. The worse is being asked if i still love her.. and of course i do. I hate that I felt hurt being asked that when I try to show my love every day and that those efforts weren't being noticed. But now I realise that I just wasn't there like I was at the start, and how could I be with so much occupying my headspace. The house needing repairs analogy is so poignant.. I'm there.. In a new house, needing repairs, things are still in boxes.. And my life is much the same. Everything in limbo and I'm scared to move forward with either one in case I lose it and have to move out. But doing nothing achieves nothing, it just keeps the sadness going. It's time for a serious talk, and these videos are really helping me towards that. Thank you.

It's so hard to do that. I'm not totally out everywhere yet and I HATE being in guy mode. It feels so unauthentic, especially now since I ACT like myself all the time. It's coming to a head here very soon, I can't wait to be me ALWAYS!

I am 34 i have lived a double life since i first realized who i was when i was in my early teens, I always told partners and my friends know but i have always felt under pressure to present male (amab) so i convinced myself i could do both live as my birth gender Male and present as my real gender Female when i have free time, I can relate to everything you said it does make me feel great when i have that free time and can present the way i feel the most at home within myself but the negative effects of doing this are HUGE! I am stressed almost all of the time wich in itself can make you ill in other ways not to mention how it makes me act around people at times, I'm not a patient person if i'm having a really bad day with my dysphoria i'm not a happy person to be around. One of my friends told me i'm known as the "moody" person in his friend group and i totaly get that he's not the only one who has said i can be moody. I've become so used to switching between genders that i convince myself i have to do it even for ridiculous things like i may have a delivery arriving so i can't present as anything other than my birth gender for that, i may need to go to the shop to buy something i must be my birth gender for that, any events always male presenting and it has made my life a complete misery. Dysphoria will eat away at you so anyone reading this while it may seem like an easy fix it's not and it won't improve over time. My ex left me in January of this year after 8 years together and it was so random and unexpected but even i could see i was pushing her away because my constant struggle with dysphoria was too difficult to hide and rather than discuss it i thought i could handle it alone. now i have no option but handle it alone. I am 5 months into HRT and i'm still battling my demons but i see this as a road to recovery in some ways, although i was never ill i feel dysphoria is something we need to mentally recover from as it takes so much away from who we are.

Dr Z thank you for answering my question to you. I plan on discussing my restart on HRT and that I feel better on estrogen then testosterone. That I still have desires to dress enfemme and also keep some feminine features and qualities. For daily living I am still your husband! But desire to be Brianna at times as well and go out in public to other towns but to dress at the house. The kids and grandkids don’t need to know for now anyway.I appreciate your advice and input on this subject. I know for older transgender people it is more difficult because of our accumulation of our past life. Is full transition worth it? What will I lose or how much will it cost me in my life. ( non money expenses) is part time enough? Should I just try to sure press it and keep it in the closet with the other skeletons of my life. I believe the younger generation has it easier because they have not fully developed a career or family. Just close friends and family to deal with which can be plenty.

When I saw your video, it really hit home. I'd been leading the double for years. Never had any serious problems with it until the last 1.5 years. I started wearing womens outwear as well as underwear and bra. Having a bra fitting, really kicked it off. I have had no problems with anyone even commenting on my outfits in public. I have to carry a should bag as womens clothing has few or no pockets. The aspects of gender dysphoria that hit me was when I had to fill out a medical form that asked for sex. I live in the Shenandoah Valley of VA which is somewhat conservative. I've asked a couple people why I have not heard any comments. The answer if people are too caught up in their everyday lives. I finally came out to some neighbors who I thought would be accepting. They have seen me dress this way for sometime and it was no big deal. Thank you for making this video and all the others.

Hello Dr Z thank you so much for your videos they have truly been a great resource throughout my transition so far and have helped me support myself largely on my own on my journey. Unfortunately things have been very hard and I was hoping you might be able to share some general information on ways in which gender dysphoria may impact a co-existing mental health condition? Perhaps PTSD and depression?Or it might even make a great video as i think the crossover between dysphoria alongside conditions like depression and or PTSD isnt talked about enough and some general information would be really helpful if this is something you have experience with and have observed in your clients. To put into context Im 29, I live in the UK and am a transgender woman. I’m nearly 2 years into transition, 14 months into oestrogen and 3 months on GNRH injections. I intend to have bottom surgery in a couple of years once my mental health improves. Unfortunately i have experienced traumas throughout my early life and grew up witnessing physical abuse, experiencing mild sexual, physical and psychological abuse in a very narcissistic household. I grew up dissociated and aloof in the sense of my mind constantly separating from the world around me. I find it hard to listen and absorb what people are saying. Its like im not able to process the world around me quick enough to keep up. Im forgetful, demotivated and slow, but always clumsy and in a rush. I get super uncomfortable with any kind of conflict or in a situation like in work where im respectfully challenged or a mistake is brought to my attention. In my mind it has a chain reaction where i re-live or go over other times where i have been criticised or hurt or battered with someones nasty opinion. It can even make me start to feel dysphoria which further separates me and makes everything worse. I deal with it really well and people don’t really notice but sometimes it gets so intense i quietly go away and breakdown cause i literally start crying whilst working cause i cant control all the thoughts and video’s playing in my head and im just buckling under it all. Since starting my transition i lost my job, relationship , home and a close family member went to prison resulting in daily breakdowns with suicidal ideation and suicide planning when what i can only describe as intense emotional episodes were really intense. PTSD was suspected by a psychiatric nurse who urged me to be formally assessed and diagnoses by a psychiatrist which i am expecting an appointment with in a matter of a month or two. Ive had to cut out narcissistic family members who support me but then undo it with ultra criticality and insulting behaviour. They are very conservative and have been transphobic towards me especially in the first year of me coming out 3.5 years ago. Very self riotous people who will not accept the hurt they have caused me since i came out. They outright deny it and just hammer me with their opinion. So at the moment im homeless, temporarily staying with a friend and in mid transition with no family support. I have two friends supporting me and both are struggling to cope with their own situations as well as mine.

Dr Z, how do you keep reading my mind? I was just thinking about this subject last night and now you put up a video discussing it lol

It was a long time ago but I came out to my partner and work environment and it was better for me because they knew or had an idea of what I was going through. Sadly it was just a down hill slope. It does seem to be better when I work with it not against it. Thank you Dr Z love your content

You nailed this topic. I carried this double life coping through multiple relationships and into a marriage. It will surface at some point, and it can be disastrous to the trust you have with your partner. Although we tried to continue the marriage after the discovery, the trust was broken and it ended. This is something you have to be honest with yourself and partner with. Trust me.

It is all my life I act this mechanism in my family, keeping a low profile when I go to my mom home or during the holidays. After all If I'm not accepted and understood, I don't like to be indulged. Anyway I' m loved and I can understand them but it has been a painful road. When I was younger dreaming about living in a foreign country... Often my mom asks to me to cover my hair with an hat...and I say her...mom It's not a shame to have hair, many have hair on their heads.lol..but at the end I dress a hat because I'm now adult and a peaceful person.

I'm living a double life. My current work status is complicated so I'm myself outside the work space.

I never tell anyone what is right for them. All I know is I have over 50 years of personal experience running away, and I know a ton of trans people, and the thought that dysphoria will go away by ignoring it is never something I've run into. It is not a foreign invader, one that can be pushed away. It is us, a part of us. One cannot run from themselves. The good news, it can work out, it can be made better. And yes, their are people in horrible circumstances out there, and I am so sorry for what you are dealing with.

I do not think so lol. I think it's a temporary fix to reduce risk of self-harm.

I'm in the second camp and trying to hold out until I feel like I can try to present somewhat. I'm trying to complete electrolysis of my complete face first and after ten months am finally getting closer and starting to have some hope that it can happen. I'll worry about co workers and society at that point in time. Just wish there was a fast forward button that I could tap to speed things up.

But sure it is. I kept it a secret for 40 years and never talked truthfully about it. I have a friend who did the same. Me, I have a family with 2 lovely daughters. Just 3 years ago I decided it’s time to let Lola out. I do not consider my life lost, since it was cool, like Indiana Jones. Now we do it like Lara Croft and we did not discard of the old life. I‘m both an in my mind I sometimes play with the idea of a symbiosis, where Lola is the boss most of the time. Love my life now because I don’t have to pretend anything anymore. You still are a dear treasure for me. Still: your advice to just live your life works great. ✌️💋✌️ love you. Lola. ❤️

obligatory appreciation comment

I did this "double life" for many years,and now i say what a lot of trans women say " if i only transitioned before."....the point of leading this sort of double life is that you become your own prison guard,and who can be the better prison guard then yourself ? After 10 or something years it felt as an isolation cell,because i wanted to "be a woman" allways and everywhere,despite all the problems i knew i would encounter,now i am the human beeing i really am.Since one year i am on HRT and end of the year i will have FFS after 17 long years....this double life aggravates dysphoria and creates a circolo vizioso of excuses

What can I say, you describe to me to a t. I've been living a double life for decades. My evolution was a little different in that I started out gender non-conforming, thinking it would alleviate my dysphoria. Over time my non-conforming gender expression evolved because it failed to keep the dysphoria at bay. But even my non-conforming was a double life. It wasn't until decades of experimenting with my gender expression that I called myself trans. Now, I still live a double life , and the double life I live has resulted in my life getting smaller. I isolate more, I trust people less. As you mentioned, living a double life is difficult psychologically. It has created a uncomfortable split in me, and which I feel out of sorts no matter how I express myself because I never settle in to anything. I can't truly embrace my feminine nature because I'm spending half my time hiding it. There is one thing that you sort of touched on that I'd like to add. That is how living a double life has affected me overall. Living a double life at its core is about keeping a really big secret, not only does this affect my self-image, my feeling of shame keeping important things from those around me, but that deception has affected my personality. Overall. It has changed me. I have grown accustomed to deception and lies. That feeds into my shame and my sense of self. Every time I am around people that think they know me but they don't, I dig a bigger hole , and with this I find myself wanting less and less to do with people. It feels like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. Thanks for all you do. This was painful to listen to but oddly helpful.

Let me explain the crash and burn and why I still suffer from long term dysphoria even years after starting transition. Can you live a double life, yes ! But it’s not healthy and eventually you have to, and live with the thought that you should have started earlier. Ok now I am going to watch the video.

When I got home from the doctor's office I couldn't wait to put on a bra, dress, and paint my toenails.

Alright, i think i need to let this out. I'm living a double life, my partner knows, supports and respects me. My family doesn't know, my father more precisely. Two years ago i realized i'm transgender man, i've known my father's opinion about that very well so i kept it a secret and i thought i could keep it for more time, i thought i had to keep it a secret for the sake of the peace in the household, for the sake of my father's peace with his daughter but i'm slowly getting more and more tired. I'm going to tell him, but i'm so afraid i'll lose his love, i definately feel like i'm betraying him and i feel so guilty and bad about it, i know he will be angry, i know the bomb will explode hard, but i love him. Everytime we connect i get sad, because a part of me is restrained and i can never fully be myself with him, i can never truly and fully connect with him and that pains me so bad. I'm so afraid, but i'm so tired... I was going to wait until i moved to my own place (i still live with him) because i didn't knew if he would be capable of throwing me out of the house, but i'm at a sensitive point where i'm not caring about that anymore. I just don't want to keep doing this. PD. If it helps, i'll mention i'm a mexican AFAB, 22 years, christian and just at the final step to graduate college.

I really don't want to live a double life, but I can't do otherwise right now... I'm out in my family, with my friends, at work... for everybody except my ex-partner. We have a kid together, so I have to see him at least once a week. And he is utterly transphobic... I had death threats when he discovered that I wasn't straight, I can't imagine what he would do if he knew I was trans. It's an awful situation because I can't cross a certain line in my transition. I did voice training (he didn't notice my voice has changed a lot) and my appearance is very masculine. But I wish I could have top surgery and could officially change my first name... How can I do that without him noticing. I don't know how to do. (Please, no transphobic comments, I often got some when I dare to speak about my life, if you don't like transpeople don't come here)

I've told to my nearest family my situation, I mean my wife, parents, children and my mother in law. I present in my real self and go out with them sometimes. I've wear female underwater most of the time and wear earrings and some bracelets. Do you think this is coping? Thank you for your amazing videos and information. Love you Dr. Z.

Hi DrZ, I rediscovered your channel about a month ago and been trying to binge watch/listen to you. I have been living the double life for about 20 years now and it is very difficult. So 20 years ago I thought this was a fetish and thought it would change once I was married, I was wrong. My new wife stumbled across things about 6 months later and there wer fights and the attempt to understand, thankfully. So she knows but doesn’t want to be apart of this side of me. We also have a 7 year old daughter whom u am also trying to keep this from as well as the rest of the family and friends. Being alone with this is very difficult and I envision if I ever came out I would be alone as well, so for that reason I have chosen the double life and fully anticipate the wall will com crashing down vs. being slowly taken apart one day.