"I really didn't have a destination." I want you to know that your story and other amab non-binary stories are finally giving me a destination in my transition. Thank you so much

Born AMAB . I've come to the realization well into adulthood - late 40s! - that I don't want to be a guy, don't want to be a woman... I can look back over my life to see many little indicators of my journey that I either didn't realize or outright denied. So for this video, thank you so much!

u lowkey just smashed thru a massive mental block i had with accepting the fact that I'm not on one extreme or the other of the binary. I relate to you so much, more than anyone I've ever talked to irl, thank uuuuuuuuuu ily

"My body had to become me before I could see me as me." Super helpful video, really put into words some things I've been experiencing. Thanks for making it!

Bryn Avery: thank you so much for opening up about this journey! I feel so seen, as a trans non-binary (signed female at birth). Had top surgery, started testosterone and stopped testosterone. Always trying to find fluid stories of trans non-binary people and sometimes I still feel weird and alone in my feelings. You said: ‘You can want things and not know that you want them.’ I have wished to die and to be reborn as a boy years, but I doubted taking testosterone extremely much. When I was on testosterone, the body become a pleasure to live in. My bodydysphoria dissapeared. I had suddenly felt great fun dressing up, where as before, clothing would feel like a shield that took away all of my breathingair. Once, I was having sex, and I still remember that I had this moment of realisation: I am enjoying sex, I am not feeling awful in myself, I want to be touched. As well as I felt so much calmness in walking on the street: it felt so good to walk in me. But I got so much genderdysphoria of people seeing me as a boy. Especially if I was seen by that by men. I always felt wrong in saying I was a trans boy. In this time, I figured out what identity name fitted me: non-binary. And I was finding it so hard to deal with the extreme feelings of puberty. Also I cried a lot when my face really started to harden up, when I got a beard and my hairline was crawling back; I didn’t recognise this face and it frightened me, I sort of got homesick. Another interesting part is: using testosterone made me super muscled; testosterone changed my muscled and thereby touched a lot of traumas. I got to relive a lot of traumas, had intense panick attacks. Therefore I decided to quit testosterone, thinking I could never get calm in changing while there are so much traumas - which also made me doubt: is going on testosterone a coping mechanism for my traumas? What touches me, is your sentence: 'I feel like my body had to become me before I could see me as me.' I still feel so uncomfortable and dysphoric and sad with a lot of body which is how I grew up in it ("female" for society), and I have such a deep jealously and longing to have the body of "a dude", but then I get so scared because I'm like: But I'm not a man / I don't want to grow old as a grandpa / I don't want hair all over my body / I don't want to be perceived as one or the other / What if I will feel it is wrong and regret going further on testosterone / I can sport the hardest I can and eat clean and low my fat and gain muscle as much as possible / I will not have love if I'm perceived as a (trans)guy / I will not be successful in theater and performance art and film / Et cetera. But then the feelings of dysphoria and longing never leaves. Every now and then, it completely breaks me. But I can't see a fitting future. So, out of fear, I just try to keep myself in the place I am. But in there, maybe there is no space for growth, or perhaps finding a place that would feel so much better... Does anyone recognize something of this? I am curious for other stories. I am also curious for people their thoughts on mine. Sending a lot of love!

As a AMAB trans androgynous, this was amazing for me! Thank you so much

yayy thanks for talking about this in more detail. as you know there arent many first hand accounts of nb amab transition so its been really hard to figure out what I may want for myself, and in particular figuring out this anxiety around chest growth. Itll still be a while before I know for sure if I want hormones but your story has been really important for showing me how nuanced the feelings around this can be. You also just look so amazing and glowy and happy here ^-^ I hope you're doing really well !!

Your voice is goals! Also shoutout to Bargain Outlet (I can hear the jingle in my head just typing it out lol) I'm there every week. The trans narrative in the media is I guess "better" than no representation at all but also hella confusing for us trans folks. There is so much uncertainty in the process of coming out and so much mental, physical, social, religious, and cultural baggage to unpack before being able to even half-confidently say "I'm trans!". It is so difficult especially for those of us that transition to non-binary medically. I'm only a couple months into HRT and its completely unfamiliar territory. It's like telling friends you are going on a trip and they want to know what you've seen and your thoughts on it before you've even left.

I'm an AMAB enby who's still on the fence about hormones after trying them for 4 months and stopping. The biggest factor for me deciding to stop was definitely breast growth, because even though I liked everything else I felt like I couldn't control that one thing which made me very scared. If you could do a video focusing on that and the potential of top surgery I'd really like it. Thanks for this video too, providing a much-needed AMAB enby perspective on transition :)

I think this is my favourite video on trans topics because I connect with so much of what you say. I'm MtX non binary and about half a year on hormones and still figuring myself out so it's super reassuring to see someone else who's talking about the exact same kinds of situations I find myself in rather than the usual "I always knew who I was" dialogue. I'm taking the medical steps to transition but I'm not aiming towards a specific idea of what I want to look like and that gave me a lot of self-doubt. Can I just also say how amazing you look and sound! If I have one aim it's to look and sound as androgynous as you, I'm definitely feeling the gender envy rn

"My body had to become me before I could see me as me." Super true. That was one of my "wait this applies to me but... what? how?" issues, because I just couldn't picture myself at all. And yeah learning how many people don't have it figured out, don't have certainty, and there's a point where you just try and see, really helped. And hormones (or any number of things) feel like a big step, like "oh this is REAL". And if you can't really picture yourself, you just automatically resist and don't know why. I used to have zero ability to even just consider, like, trying a random job for the hell of it, cause that basic internal self-concept just wasn't really there. To paraphrase someone, for a lot of us, before realizing what's going on, dysphoria is experienced as disconnect rather than distress. And the fun of something that "should" be affirming but isn't, well oh no, must not be... oh wait, it just looks wrong on current physical configuration, it IS something I want. Similarly, pre or early transition, it's so easy to get caught up in how you feel, in looking for validation and every little sign, because... well, nothing is reflected in you yet. But cis people don't sit there actively "feeling" their gender, or doing affirming things after work to relax wouldn't be a thing. So "oh no I don't feel like a woman ALL THE TIME" just... isn't something to worry about. Maybe binary, maybe not, but the big thing is just "there's something that keeps coming back, let's see". Couple articles that I found helpful (for reference since you're kinda past this point). medium.com/gender-from-the-trenches/gender-dysphoria-isnt-what-you-think-6fdc7ae3ac85 cassielabelle.medium.com/repersonalization-the-thing-we-dont-talk-about-66e1a0ec97c1 The threads on her twitter about these had a lot of "oh wait that makes sense" responses.

Holy shit this is relatable. I'm so scared, haha. The common narrative makes me feel isolated, especially since most prominent trans voices aren't non-binary amabs like us. So, thank you so much, really.

Heya Bryn, I've stumbled upon your content and this video in particular and I just wanted to say that thank you for talking about your experience so openly. I have very similar experiences to you and it's becoming increasingly difficult to live a "normal" life just going around without taking care of them in general. Hearing you talk about a life that feels so like mine (although I'm still at the "starting point" of figuring this shit out) gives me assurance that I'm not just making everything up and that my experience IS real and that I can live in/with it. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart

I was looking for this, I needed it, thanks for making me feel like I'm not alone

this is the first time in my life in which - I think - I'm resembling to someone. It' s the first time in which I see someone and I think: I'd love to look and be perceived like this. I am a biological male who's going through a whole ''gender discovery'' lately and this, and you in general, was so incredibly helpful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart

I didn't know of trans people until my mid 20's I didn't understand trans people or even know about non-binary people until I was about 27. I know that my past growing up as a man felt like a person I was supposed to be but never wanted to be.. I joined the military, I worked in male-dominated industries, I grew out my beard and tried to present as masc as possible.. I hated it all. I'm 30 now, non-binary, planning on starting HRT and I'm excited, I feel like I am finally aware of why I felt like an impostor my whole life, but I am still scarred. Thank you for sharing your experience, it has helped me

I'm FtX but really glad that I came across your channel because I've always wanted to know how amab individuals experience the process of coming out as non-binary. Somehow, I'm pleasantly surprised that our experiences stays similar to some extent. I appreciate your openness about how uncertain and indecisive you were about starting HRT or even considering top and bottom surgery. I met a trans guy in my high school and he was the first person that taught me about transgender ppl in the first place. My own body dysphoria felt validated through his similar experiences but even then, it always felt like his dysphoria was more intense than mine (he hated his chest while I was indifferent about how mine looked bc it was very small) and therefore my own discomforts felt unimportant when compared to his. In a way, while he did educate me, I still felt like I was in the dark about my true gender identity for years after that. I hesitated to call myself a trans guy like him for fear of being seen as a fraud as I could not relate to all of the things trans men would go through. I had learnt to accept my small chest for the most part and didn't feel like I had to get top surgery like my friend did. Same thing for bottom surgery; one time I thought hard about it and came to the conclusion that I didn't want my female genitalia to be replaced by male ones but rather, I wished I simply didn't have any bc of all the pressure surrounded around both (bc society cares so much about what's in somebody's pants). I experimented with genderfluid for a while but even that felt uncomfortable bc I never actually felt like my sense of self would fluctuate every so often as the ppl who identify as such would usually feel (especially feeling masculine one day and more feminine the next day. I simply NEVER feel feminine as society describes it). I came out last year as non-binary after finally finding out what it meant and realising it described all of my feelings. For literal years I found the dictionary definition of non-binary confusing because it wasn't actually explaining what that identity felt like. Now I find it a bit funny that I ended up adopting that same term when a few years ago I would view it as a very wild concept which violated the norms of the gender binary (internalised transphobia is a real bitch). Ig the moral of the story here is that non-binary education should be made more widespread, accessible and accepted by society so that individuals out there realise that they have more choice than just transitioning into the polar opposite sex. And that awareness starts with enbies like us.

AMAB agender here. Never felt right as a boy and came out as agender a few years ago at the ripe old age of 28. Probably would've come out sooner if I knew non-binary gender identities were a thing. I've not really had major issues with my body and I feel very apathetic towards it, but I do wish I was more androgynous. I'm very happy that you posted this. It helps me understand myself better.

I know exactly what you mean about your body needing to be more in alignment before you really felt like you could figure yourself out! I've been having the same thing happen lately, like I'm revealing more aspects of my personality that need to be reinforced and explored now, and once my voice is more where I want it to be I'm definitely going to be more expressive than I ever used to be. Also, that hair looks really nice on you, it seems different than what you've shown in previous videos but it looks great :3

Thank you so much for this. I'm non-binary and I've never seen something I resonated with so much. It's really encouraging to see someone who has been able to find who they are, and also reached such androgyny, which is something I'm working towards. I've been worried to take hormones, but I think this video has reassured me that I don't need to know where I'm going, but I can figure it out as I go. It's hard to find other non-binary people who talk about this stuff, and I really appreciate you for uploading this video. Have a good day.

I'm afab nonbinary and I experienced a very similar issue when coming out. I first came out as a trans man at 14 because "I'm not a girl so I must be a guy" and it caused a lot of problems. I'm only just now starting to come out as Nonbinary to my friends and family but it's hard. Everyone has gone 4 years now seeing me as a guy and I even started T for awhile before going off it because of the panic being seen strictly as male caused. Thanks for talking about this, it really helps❤️

this is why i respect trans people immensely, the challenging thoughts and feelings they have while enduring a hostile non accepting world AND choose to be themselves regardless. that shit takes the strongest kind of person.

thanks for posting these, its really helping me a lot

It's only been 7 months since my last comment, but since then, watching this now, I can relate to even more of your experience. Almost a year on HRT and it's been really stressful coming to terms with what I can change, what has changed, and what I can't change. Your video and videos like it have been such a great tool to ground myself and validate how I feel. Especially when I also deal with lots of older people in my work, and they often don't lmao

Going through a bit of a mental confusion at the moment. Thank you for this, it’s just what I needed. 💜

This video is the reason I’m taking the jump to do HRT. AMAB NBY people are so valid and you give me so much hope💕🥺

Thank you for your authenticity and for speaking your truth! YOU ARE THE FIRST PERSON THAT VALIDATED THE WAY I FELT AS I WALKED INTO THE DOCTORS' OFFICE TO ASK ABOUT HRT... Full of emotions that I just couldn't explain or put into words. My endocrinologist told me that I "should," be counting the minutes until I take my first dose, after scaring the hell out of me with talks about irreversible side effects, blood clots (which also happen to cis women & can be avoided), since all her normal patients run to her on bended knees. Honestly, I felt like I was in line to terminate a pregnancy, so I sat off in a corner and wiped my eyes pretending like I had allergies. The guilt was fucking awful... I tried to block it out until you brought up internalized transphobia, and the fact I cut my parents off due to their own extreme beliefs that I internalized. I'm sorry, but I'm NOT rushing in line to break down a door for some sore ass nipples and large breasts when I already wear binders. (I already have gynecomastia and breast growth is a BITCH.) I'd kill for large hips, soft skin, & no facial hair to look completely neutrois...(ANYTHING but boobs...hahaha!) Thank you so much for sharing your feelings. Now I don't feel so alone about the journey I'm taking to feminize myself to become who I'm supposed to be.

Thank you so much for this video. It helps so much to here someone talk about the doubt, rather then just being super sure and going a head. I love your level of androgyny and your vibe.

thank you so much for sharing, I’m really glad i found this video. you put a lot of confusing and personally relatable feelings into words for me, wow

Thank you for sharing your story! It was important for me to hear🔸

Thank you so much for this, it helps a ton !

Thank you so much for this video! This has helped me feel so much more comfortable in my own skin ❤️

Very authentic and informative, thank you for sharing!

Hey thanks for this video! It really helped me understand why i feel quite certain I want HRT despite not being sure exactly what my gender is, I feel like I need my body's help leading on this one! Also thanks in general it is really helpful seeing other people transition into something more androgynous. I really relate to your stories about idolizing GNC women growing up!

I'm so glad I found this video! I relate so much

It's so inspiring to listen to someone with very similar feelings to me. I hope one day I'll be brave and bold enough to become authentic just as you have!

Yes beautiful hair 😍 thank you so much for your videos.. So helpful

Amazing video and really helpful. Thanks for sharing 😀

Thank you so much for sharing, I related to a lot of what your saying. I've always identified as a trans guy (came out when I was 12). But since starting testosterone I've been seriously reflecting on that. I definitely don't want to be perceived as a cis guy by others, but internally I definitely want a more 'masculine' body. I've enjoyed the freedom that comes with having a more ambiguous gender presentation, and I don't know if that's something I want to give up. I know there's low dose T and other options, but I do want all the changes that come with T, I just wish it wouldn't make others perceive me as a man (in the strict sense of the word). This video has been incredibly reassuring, as my transition experience has come with so much uncertainty and exploration. I think there's a different factor as well, as an AFAB person, because when I'm treated as a cis woman I don't really get weird looks for dressing in non normative ways, but when being treated as a cis man, I definitely get treated differently when wearing a skirt/dress. I'm still figuring out how to navigate this, but at the same time I know it was the right choice to start T.

Being also an AMAB enby, I totally relate with the fact that being called he/sir all the time annoyed you. Also thank you so much for sharing your experience and the fact that things are complicated and we sometimes have doubts along the way.

Felt kinda similar but a little different. amab and I was like "well I'm not a girl, so I guess I'm a boy" until I learned about nb. It feels much better this way and I'm glad nb is more well known

This helped me a lot! Thanks!

This is the video I NEEDED to see today

Thank you so much for this video :)

Yea wow this was the one. Wild. Thank you wish me luck

Thank you ❤ for your honesty around your doubts and questions in your process. I related to a hundred different points in your story and was deeply encouraged by your perspective that transitioning towards androgeny is just as acceptable as towards femininity :):) many thanks!! (amab, NB-ish?..transfemdrogenous? lol, considering hrt)

Bryn, i feel exactly you but opposite 😭 I'm finally happy I've found myself. Ty 🎉

frick the haters period Glad to see how far you’ve come! 💛

Thank you ! I feel exactly the same when you talk about not having a destination. I like to say that i know the direction i'm going is right, i feel i must go that way and it's the right way. But I have no destination, I don't know how exactly I want to look or even be like. And it scares me. To be unsure scares me. Your video is actually helping, thank you :)

Thank you this really helped me.

excellent video; good points. just wow!

Just came across this video and it was SO validating! I haven't heard other stories like this that seem so similar to mine! I am AMAB and am also transitioning as a non-binary transfemme person. Thank you SO much for sharing your perspective. I too hate being adressed as a 'he' but dont quite feel like a 'she' all the time nor do I want to have al the surgeries to become a trans woman. I like being more in the middle/feminine than anything else. I'm still navigating how I want to express myself and I am getting closer to being 'me' every day. I also feel that one my body marches what I feel than I can truly come in to myself. Thank you again for sharing 💜

Thank you so much because I’m in the same situation where I don’t know if I want to take hormones, but I also kind of do

Thank you so much this video is so helpful

I relate SO MUCH to this!!

Very good video, in a similar headspace to the one described, it's scary and I doubt myself, but the alternative is to not move and stagnate and be guaranteed unhappyness. I prefer a shot to do it and be a mess doing it. Tbh worse case scenario masectomy or breasts reduction even if it can be expensive if not insured is a posibility. Thanks so much for publishing this

I finally feel vindicated about binding as an amab person on estrogennnn

This has been very insightful. I’m a bit of a late bloomer and only came out as non-binary a couple of weeks ago, and I’m in my 30’s. I’m still trying to figure things out and dress and present myself in a more feminine an androgynous way, as I was never taught how to do that growing up. I’m considering HRT, as I’m on the more feminine side, and my main issues of dysphoria came from dominant masculine sex characteristics during puberty (hair growth, deep voice, etc). I think making my body in a more feminine presenting way would really make feel more at home in my body, but I need to spent more time researching it all. Anyways you got a new follower. I’d love it if I could someday have something like your look/style. Feels a long way off as I’m still very masculine presenting but you give me hope. 😊

def gonna share this with a friend who's doubting if they want to transition!

As an intersex person who was AMAB, but went through an incredibly weird puberty where my body developed female fat distribution and I didn't look like a boy through early middle school, I had to constantly tell people I was a boy. My genitals look weird (hypospadias+klinefelters) but luckily I was never medicalized as a kid, unlike many intersex kids my parents were completely against the idea and I never went on testosterone. I have pectus excavatum because my entire body is basically non-functional and I had surgery to fix it because it was life threatening. The surgery fixed the hole on my chest and also flattened my chest making my breasts less noticable. After that in 8th grade I finally was just naturally read as male. It was incredibly uncomfortable in the locker room so I always undressed in a stall, and especially when I was running I would always wear baggy so it would cover my body, but when I ran in gym you could clearly see my waist and my chest visible to everyone and it was incredibly uncomfortable I remember my friends would laugh about it. Running with that weird body felt like a marathon everyone was looking at how strange your body was, after a while you just get use to it, and no one cared that much. It was so weird, and my pectus didn't help it made by breasts look a million times bigger. I could always run well but I literally could not do anything other physical. After I got pectus surgery, my chest looked like a man's and like I can't explain how weird this is for like a 14 year old kid, you don't understand your body, and you don't understand the category that put onto you, the surgery also hurt like hell. After that with my chest flat I was read as a boy, a very weird looking boy but a boy none the less, I wore baggy clothing, my voice lowered a little bit. I felt like before I was fighting the world I would need to constantly explain myself to people, hours being asked on my medical history. I never understood why boys were so sexually active, it was just gross and confusing. I never really felt anything, I guess that's just from not having enough testosterone in my body. For a while in high school I kinda developed like a lanky soft-boy aesthetic and I thought it was kinda cool, kinda apathetic to the world but only slightly. I began to question my gender, am I guy or a girl? I didn't understand because I didn't like women's clothing, but also liked parts of my body. I liked the fact that my body was shaped like a woman, I didn't like a masculine shaped body I thought the idea of that was gross, it's not beautiful to me. My chest made me uncomfortable but only because I was supposed to be a boy. The world put me into that category and my body refused to develop in that way. I actually never was against having breasts I thought they caused a nice silhouette. I also didn't want any facial or body hair, I didn't grow pretty much any facial hair, and no chest hair but I did have leg and arm hair and both were very light. At the same time I wanted to wear jeans, sweat pants, t-shirts, and I liked some masculine things. I was incredibly into school and I got incredibly good grades (3.8 GPA :D). I didn't like sports, but I did like to goof off with my friends in a more masculine way I think. I began thinking and like yea I didn't relate to being a man at all, but I didn't fully think I wanted to be a woman either, and I also didn't really relate to nonbinary people as much. Eventually I would come to the conclusion to transition from male to female, but as a masculine woman. After coming to that conclusion I began medically transitioning, not entirely with any goal in mind. My chest began to grow, they were not entirely flat after pectus but the nipples are much farther apart then they use to be and they weren't that noticeable. They began to grow incredibly quickly and I am currently at a C-cup, I began wearing androgynous clothing just in a women's fit and it felt liberating. I had always wanted to show my body shape, but because it my body didn't fit into the binary category of "male" I always hesitated to. I began to pass very early on (4 months), and that's my current identity, I wear masculine/andro clothing and ironically transitioning just feels easier then before, if nothing else because I can wear clothes that fit me. I am no longer in this weird middle zone. That middle zone is wonderful but it's weird to have a body which many people consider "female" while having "male" genitals and moreover being ok with that body, loving that body in a unique way (I want bottom surgery however, that's just my choice). In an alternative world I might have gone on testosterone. I don't identify as either a "man" or a "woman," when I go out the word sees me as the latter, and I medically transitioned because of it, but I am non-binary transfem that's how I identify. I guess the conclusion I am trying to make with this, is that no matter what intersex, trans, gay, non-binary, or whatever all of our bodies are unique, all of us can be put on some spectrum between "M" and "F" and that those categories themselves aren't rigidly. There is no correct way of being and I struggled a lot with that, not understanding I could be two things at once.

It's the same for me as far as I feel disphoric about parts of the male and female body. Neither seems exactly right for me and I like being androgynous. I'm older and never had any surgery or hurt and dont know that I ever will but then again maybe I will. I will say that the first time I heard the term non binary I felt alot of relief because finally something sounded closer to what I feel like because she and he do not feel right for me. But enough about me. I'm glad I found ur videos and I think your a beautiful person!!! Thanks it takes gu5s to be so open to the whole world especially considering the modern day witch hunt were experiencing!!! You rock!!!

Yeah, I think people are fine with people who are different until that difference revolves around anything sexual whether it is sexuality or gender. For a lot of people that is the line...wrongly. We have the right ro say "Hey, this is MY world!"

Thank you!! I'm 25 and I might start hormones in the future so this is really helpful.

This video has been so hugely helpful for what I'm going through right now. I'm grappling with that decision over whether or not to start HRT. It's so incredibly easy to make ancillary reasons of why I shouldn't start or should at least delay starting.

I sooo understand the not knowing where you are going but having to go anyway,

Your hair is beautiful i am kind of jealous

When I realised I was a transgender woman I was a bit worried if I’d be taken seriously because I didn’t want to dress super feminine. So many people on KZfaq have helped me, you too, thanks 💖

Love your hair! Still want a cooking video ❤️❤️❤️ you looks so healthy

Thanks, this helps!

Thank you. I am struggling with how many voices from the community have similar stories and experiences, that do not align with mine. I feel seen and represented with your experience. Though the trans community is not cookie cutter, it can feel that way with the narrative that's most publicly known.

As a newly transitioning non-binary person, I have had a hard time feeling "allowed" to call myself trans. The feeling is kind of similar to being a bi/pansexual and feeling accepted by the LGBTQIA+ community. I am feeling much more comfortable as claiming my Trans title thanks to people like you but I still feel guilt with this since I feel that so many Trans people who are going from one side of the binary to the opposite side seem to have to face so much more distain and disrespect while just trying to be themselves out in the world... like they deserve the title so much more than I do. I know this isn't inclusive thinking and it's not true to the reality of it but its an old pattern of thinking I'm working through. anyway, thank you for your story.

18:06 thank you for saying this!

I appreciate this. I have also struggled with definitelt not feeling like a guy, but also not wanting to look like a stereotypical woman. I have been struggling a lot with the decision of taking hormones off. This takes some pressure off. Thanks ! And I also feel androgynous.

Finnaly someone I can relate to a lot

OMG Sorry for my English i'm happi that i found this Video. You're awsome. So i came out as a Trans Women somthing like 8 months ago. Before i came out as nonbinary litle bit more than 1 year ago. But for 1 Month ago i realize that nonbinary dosen't mean i'm a guy and a girl. I'm defntliy not a man i think i'm litlle bit fluid between girl and nonbinary. Your Video makes me happy and help me on my way:) i raised as a christian too and i was fucking transphobic for years but now i'm here and proud:) you're just super cool:) thank you thank you thank you:)

Your hair is beautiful ❤

thank you!!!

Thank you. ♡

Thanks for this video. I am currently trying to decide if I want to go on hormones as a non-binary person. I was afab, so I would be taking testosterone. I did already have top surgery. Anyways, thanks for posting this!

I'm trying to work through my gender and I really relate to what you said because I really really don't want to be a binary woman but I'm uncomfortable with being perceived as a man... (AMAB). I'm only 17 and I'm allowed to "be gay" as far as like I don't dress like average guys and I do "gay" things like hobbies interests whatever but as far as real gender nonconformity goes my first step is right now trying to grow my hair out, with much resistance. I'm trying to just make room so that I can experiment and see how I feel; I really feel like my desire is obscured by my environment. I also feel a lot of social gender dysphoria in a way i guess, or maybe just more general disconnect but like I feel like family and general people don't see ME how I am really and like even when I'm "accepted" the person doesn't really get it. Lol lots of turmoil. I don't think I'm a binary trans woman and I do like being perceived as male/masculine at times but feeling only ever perceived as that and the heteronormativity that people are able to throw onto me because of my cis presentation really makes me feel like giving up my masculinity entirely, and the fact that Idk how to reconcile wanting to be male leaning with also wanting to be female leaning. Anyway, sorry for dumping all that here it was more for myself haha gender overload rn. Thank you so much for sharing ur story it's really helpful

Looking like I am telling all those things. It's my story. Thank you

Its good to see someone who actually talks about how confusing this is.... It also helps that you're AMAB so I can relate a bit more.... I've only recently started questioning if I'm non binary and its terrifying and confusing. The only thing that I know for sure is I've never really identified with "man"

So glad I found this - I can relate to you in so many ways. I am non-binary amab but I feel like my body is the wrong gender. I’m hoping to start taking hrt soon. I get a feeling that once I start I might start feeling like a woman rather than non-binary. Right now I’m pretty darn confused.

thank you

Thank you

Did you do voice training at all? your voice is literally my goals

Very interestimg what you tell ,as trans sometime is difficult to acept for a long time what i was but i find the true that i need ,be myself ,happy and be confident all the time ,confront all my insecurities that have and to transition at 56 ,and i fine .what i tell you is all have demons and shadows to win this insecurities ,and hope that you already conquer you yours fear at is best time in you life ,and wish the best in life and love for yourself and your future and all who stay in a similar situation in there life too.Life is BEAUTiFULL,love,peace to all, and bells .Bye,Sayonara ,Kawaii.

Very much me as well. Even when I started saying, ya I kinda want to go by they/them OR he/him, but then when some people started actually using they/them it hit so differently, differently in a wayyyyyy better way. Just the fact that the sentence didn't require saying I was a boy made it feel so much more....correct. Think that's the best way to describe it. And I didn't really know how correct it was until I decided to just try it out. So now it's they/them exclusively and I'm very very positive I'm nb lol. And I am *considering* another step, let you take a guess at what that may be based on the video hahaha.

I SO relate to this. Especially the Christian stuff, I grew up thinking I was evil and “bad” because I felt fem but you know “god doesn’t make mistakes” 🙄🙄🙄

hmm what I've found rly difficult to separate, regarding the discomfort with (the thought of) growing breasts as a questioning enby, is the possible innate feeling of dysphoria it can cause, and internalised transphobia; the fear of a "ruined" body. the permanent aspect of it can be scary. an altered "frankenstein" body that goes against the binary and its norms. usually we don't project these insecurities on other trans people, but with low self-esteem this internalised rhetoric can be used against ourselves. working through that transphobia is not easy but is vital, confronting it in our subconscious, and unlearning it. seeing (nb) trans women thrive and celebrate their bodies and themselves definitely helped me with this. the importance of representation rly cannot be overstated imo! (quickly wanna mention artists and producers such as Arca and SOPHIE, but also the actress Hunter Schafer) in my case I have changed my opinion and lost that discomfort, which was probably rooted in fear and thus transphobia. finally being open to the changes a hormonal transition could bring without judgement gives me so much peace. I would welcome a lovely pair lol, but it is not something I stress over. of course think a transition through, but it cannot hurt remembering that nothing *really* is permanent, and surgeries and revisions are always possible too! we gotta trust ourselves, trust the process and truly just do what feels good to us 💜

I’m a non-binary trans woman as well, I’m feminine, feel most comfortable in female roles, and the best way to express my gender identity is to appear as a woman, or trans woman in my case. But my gender identity is agender with a large feminine lean. So the gendered feelings I do feel are primarily female. And to complicate things more I’m starting to think I’m gray asexual and perhaps gray romantic which kinda saddens me, but there are other ways to find love, and culture probably had me internalize so many things. Oh, and I’m straight, I like men. xD

New viewer here... what struck me what when you said you viewed men's clothing as androgynous. I tend to wear more skirts/dresses these days (AMAB) and use she/they. Completely agree that when I'm wearing pants and shirts (more my 'old' wardrobe') I don't feel masculine so much as just 'not feminine'. Still hate when I get the 'sir's comments. They just don't feel right.

Oh I think I feel that about your body having to be you first. I’m afab and pretty sure I want a more masculine body but I really can’t visualise it I guess? Haven’t been able to get a binder yet (and where would I have worn it in plague times?) so I haven’t even seen myself with a properly flat chest, and I have a hard time imagining my body with more masculine features anyway. Figuring this out will probably take a long time lol

Honestly, alot of what you've said sounds similar to me. I've been on HRT for about 17 months and suddenly had a wave of doubts, what if I made a mistake, am I just a man, and so on. But when I started hormones, I still had doubts, wasn't a 100% sure, but I knew it was something I had to do, because if I didn't I'd regret it. I said to myself, If I wait till I'm 100% sure I'll never do it. I think I am more non-binary then a binary trans woman, I don't hate he/him - more tolerate - but she/her makes me happy. Not sure what kinda non-binary I am, maybe genderfluid or bi-gendered I don't know. But what you said about androgeny speaks to me. Hey, I'd like to be able to do both. Look stunning in a suit and dapper in a dress

okay but their hair is perfect. I wanted this exact cut but mine looks wrong lmao

You’re very cool and valid

I was surprised and initially didn't want to be Trans. But I finally surrendered myself when I felt strong dysphoria. (chest pain on place where there was supposed to be breasts)

Been a year since the first 💊 experiment. Practice at home and pushing the envelope a little under my work uniform. Trying to get my hair to grow out from male baldness.

12:10 yea, I relate

You look so pretty