The First Pillar of Recovery for Scapegoat Survivors

Рет қаралды 6,192

Jay Reid - Recovery from Bad Childhoods

6 ай бұрын

In today's video I explain how the first of three Pillars of Recovery help you break free from this internal attachment. These three pillars let you learn that you will not lose everyone you need nor trigger an unsurvivable attack if you live as though you are in charge and/or treat yourself well. The first pillar: making sense of what happened helps you build a new frame of reference for what you experienced as a scapegoat child to a narcissistic parent. You can begin to question whether you deserved such abuse or not. You become able to see your parent's problems not just the problems you were told you have. Finally, I will point you towards a resource to help you put this pillar into practice in your life.
A link to my new free e-book:
4 Ways to Heal for Scapegoat Survivors
lp.jreidtherapy.com/ebook-4wa...
A link to a new online course for Scapegoat Survivors
The Empowerment Blueprint for Scapegoat Survivors
lp.jreidtherapy.com/empowerme...
A link to a Published Book on Narcissistic Abuse:
Growing Up as the Scapegoat to a Narcissistic Parent: A Guide to Healing
www.amazon.com/dp/B0BXN2287H
A link to my online course Level I: A Map to Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse: jreidtherapy.com/narcissistic...
The link to my free webinar on '7 Self-Care Tools to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse':jreidtherapy.com/webinar-self...
Here's the link to my e-book on Surviving Narcissistic Abuse as the Scapegoat: jreidtherapy.com/ebook-scapeg...
KZfaq series on Shame in recovery from Narcissistic Abuse: • The role of shame in s...
Private Facebook Support Group that Accompanies the Online Course: / recoverynarcabuse
Take the narcissistic emotional abuse quiz: jreidtherapy.com/quiz/narc-ab...
Schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation: jreidtherapy.com/book-now
Subscribe to my channel: / @jreid-heal-narcissist... #jayreidpsychotherapy
Follow me on social media:
instagram: @jreidtherapy
tik-tok: jreidtherapy
Facebook: Jay Reid Psychotherapy

Пікірлер: 85

@blueberry3168 5 ай бұрын

I’ve been so well trained to put other people’s needs before my own that I even catch myself behaving this way with my dog.

@alaysiakayebutler6299 5 ай бұрын

@blueberry3168 I can relate.. I get irritated by the way they violate my boundaries, too! I catch myself though.. lol

@Cosmo29777 5 ай бұрын

Me and my cats 😅

@tamtran-om7ft 5 ай бұрын

the difference is your dog will love you back, and those people will never 😅

@debbievoss3496 5 ай бұрын

Sad but true. I'm all alone. Only person who could help me is a narc, of course. I offered to pay him $50 to come over & pretend he cares about me for 5 hours. I am ready to die.

@TheQueensWish 5 ай бұрын

Jamie Lee. Urticaria made me laugh the other day. She just turned 65 and had some thoughts on people pleasing. She said, “when the people pleasing stops, the people aren’t too pleased.” Well that just about sums it up I thought. Lol.

@1RPJacob 5 ай бұрын

_The moment you stop giving a shit if the relationship works or not, you start to heal._ Stop giving a shit means accepting and being ready to cease the relationship.

@storyofzero 5 ай бұрын

At 53 I am starting to grow in areas of my life where I have been frozen. A lot of grieving! I have been wondering why all of a sudden I don’t want to eat well for the first time in my life or get dressed nicely. These 2-part videos have me realizing I’ve just shifted the part of me I can use to justify shaming and shitting on myself. It really is compassion with ALL of it that brings healing, isn’t it? We cannot exclude any aspect of our suffering from the love it needs or we are perpetuating the harm. It is challenging to realize there is NO part of ourselves that deserved the lack of empathy we received, absolutely NO part, without exception. Wishing you all profound and restorative healing 💕

@emil5884 5 ай бұрын

Thank you for sharing that. It helps me to make sense of my own position.

@CBrown86 5 ай бұрын

I love this comment. Im going thru something very similar right now. I just dont care anymore and I want to…but I just cant bring myself to do it. Its like what is the point? No one gives a shit about me anyway

@storyofzero 5 ай бұрын

@@CBrown86 I care about people because it is in my nature to care. The person in front of me does not have to earn my care, it is freely given because of who I am, not who they are. There is so much suffering wrapped up in being raised to believe there is something we have to do or be in order to be worthy of being cared about. For example, I am moved by your suffering and I feel compassion for you- a complete stranger. I wish for you to experience ease and belonging and relief. I don’t need to know a thing about you for that to be true. When we are conditioned to prove ourselves our focus narrows so much to how much we lack, how short we fall. The world becomes seen through that lens and we feel unloved and unloveable. I am so grateful for Jay Reid’s videos because they help me to see this is how my mind was conditioned. It is simply a pattern and has nothing to do with the truth of who I am. I am gentle with myself now, because I see how deep my suffering runs. That has been the hardest part of my journey- to admit to myself how much I have suffered. Not to focus on how others have not cared about me, but focussing on how much pain that has caused me (which is me caring about my experience). We have been taught to not care about our own experience so this is work that requires attention, vigilance and a lot of forgetting and remembering. I send you warm wishes. May this community provide you strength when you don’t have it 🙏

@rodrigodiaz5698 3 ай бұрын

@@storyofzero Perfectly said. Pure love and health to you. ❤❤❤❤

@CorePathway 2 ай бұрын

So much grieving! I liken it to the steam in an Instapot: almost anytime I feel emotions grief is the first thing that busts out.

@prekspanish844 5 ай бұрын

"A scapegoat child has to be a bad somebody to a superior someone" That phrase only is worth a million dollars. Thank you, Dr. Reid. I love your videos: you, all the books I read about narcissism, and my therapist have helped a ton with my recovery. I'm on that step: what my mother made me believe about myself is in my mind as a thought but not as a belief.

@SentientSpace 5 ай бұрын

My mom always used to say ‘who else will love you/take care of you if I don’t’ when she’d do/say something hurtful or selfish in order to take away my self worth and esteem in order to combat my natural resilience. I remember my brain freezing and body would follow. Only recently I understood how my body can freeze up & how thoughts can get ‘frozen’ in time. Thank you Jay for helping us peel off these layers created from other (nasty) people’s belief systems.

@dark7angel456 5 ай бұрын

I froze up a lot too in life and still do it seems like I get stuck on the most lowest feelings. I would get stuck and Frozen on the part where The Narcissist would find that void they make and use it to their advantage. They are very selfish people

@LeiraHdezP 5 ай бұрын

Let me see if I understood? She told u with half words sentences: is ur fault that I did something bad to u, because u allowed me to?

@David-eu1ms 5 ай бұрын

It takes years for the realization to sink in, but it will eventually.

@CorePathway 2 ай бұрын

There is a 12 step group called Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. They say “come to 6 meetings and you will start to come out of denial”

@z1z2z3z 5 ай бұрын

It really helped me to be around children and realize that I was just like them, I wasn't evil. Very difficult to go through but so worth it. Be kind and gentle with yourselves. ❤ Thanks Jay

@gamingash9789 5 ай бұрын

You're the best in this Scapegoat recovery, Jay. The graphics demonstrated extremely well. Truly bravo. Thank you so much for your videos!!

@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse 5 ай бұрын

You're very welcome

@MSB780 5 ай бұрын

Your videos helped me to look further into the perspectives on self-criticism. The studying of the word of God (not people’s opinions about the God’s word) has been a great change in how I believe about myself in the light of how Christ Jesus thinks of me-now my best Friend. 💜 I’m very thankful for people like you, Jay. Thanks again 👍😀

@fabiobarbieri2213 5 ай бұрын

Hi Jay! A hug to the Nice Dog from Argentina!! Dogs and other pets, one of the way to heal form narcissistic abuse ! I love them!!

@johncollier3175 5 ай бұрын

So happy for your dog finding a good home. My German Shepherd from childhood was the very best friend I ever had. She always consoled and understood me. She will keep you safe. Laurie ♥️

@MagneticNorthbound 5 ай бұрын

Jay, can't thank you enough man. The clarity, consistency and hopefulness towards healing you bring to these topics is inspiring, consoling, healing---everything good.

@203blessings 5 ай бұрын

I think when the abuse was sadistic the abused feels more like a lab rat than a scapegoat.

@Lyrielonwind 5 ай бұрын

I have found myself related to Prometeo, the guy who stole fire for humans and was punished by the Greek Gods to a never ending suffering each day while he healed at night only to be devoured by eagles next day over and over again. It's something creepy, narcissistic parents take care of you only to keep you alive for another day of abuse 😢

@user-dr8sc1gp4z 5 ай бұрын

Love your explanation of binding vs bonding to others. Thank you!!

@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse 5 ай бұрын

You are so welcome!

@deathuponusalll 5 ай бұрын

Thank you so much for dropping out these videos every Friday again Mr Reid, it gives me something to look forward to every Friday morning during work break. Your work has been instrumental in my healing alongside my therapist. Thank you so much for

@dark7angel456 5 ай бұрын

I love these videos because they hit the nail on the head every time. I was never given much in life or given anything while everybody is always taking away from me, always using me as Supply... always feel invisible while everybody else gets attention

@Grelotmystiqueetal 5 ай бұрын

Sarah is just like me. And my first therapist thought it was my fault.

@bellaluce7088 5 ай бұрын

Appreciate you so much, Jay! By making these videos and sharing additional free resources on your website you have directly influenced my life for the better. *THANK YOU!* ❤😃

@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse 5 ай бұрын

I appreciate that!

@gamingash9789 5 ай бұрын

5:15 so so so important and right. Btw any other scapegoat find themselves with the wrong therapists that treat them with the same invalidate? It's horrible talking to so-called professional. Jay's videos are what helps me.

@Wackaflaka89 5 ай бұрын

I didn't have a reference for how horrible my dad's devaluation against me and women were until I met a sex trafficker. I know that's explicit but he was horribly mean

@streaming5332 5 ай бұрын

Always good to have an animal in the video.

@fairygurl9269 5 ай бұрын

*Smiles Pleasure to Meet Breezy Much Respect & Gratitude

@bernadette573 5 ай бұрын

Is Breezy the handsome shepherd on the chair?

@Lyrielonwind 5 ай бұрын

It's Brezo. I checked the transcription and it's the Spanish name for heather.

@streaming5332 5 ай бұрын

I always thought there was something different about my mother. She wasn't like other mothers, she was loud, hyper, over the top. She was an embarrassment. My father just pretended the problem wasn't there though he forbade her wearing red, her favourite colour. I longed for a calm normal mother.

@kobra4422 5 ай бұрын

The puppy finally has a time in the show 💛. "Thinking about vs acting from" - that's what I've been doing thanks to this channel. Why is the parent angry face and eyebrows so accurate 😂

@TheQueensWish 5 ай бұрын

I’ve begun to see things quite differently these past four years.

@EJ-mb6du 5 ай бұрын

I hid a lot as a kid. I didn't think I was bad but I knew I was the common denominator of every problem in the world according to the narcs.. I expressed to them that I was the only sane one in the family!!! Then they always doubled down for effect. I'm far away from them now: (past ~7 years) and I'm finally coming out of it all... however, narc sister stole my inheritance so she could maintain control over me till I die. I have to jump thru hoops to get anything... It all rolls down to her 2 kids when I pass. My daughter got nothing. Narcs are directly molded by Satan.

@gabrogna 3 ай бұрын

It seems that money is the ultimate tool for narcissists

@gypsykings1406 5 ай бұрын

Buenas tardes dr. Reid. Siempre es muy útil y grato mirar sus videos. Qué bueno es verlo sonreir nuevamente y saludar otra vez a su hermosa mascota, Brezo. Y, por primera ocasión, notar que pone caritas con corazones y respuestas a nuestros comentarios. Felicitaciones por su notable y esmerada productividad terapeutica en apoyo a nosotros los viejos niños chivos expiatorios. Un remanso de comprensión y ayuda a nuestros quebrantados corazones. Gracias sinceras y profundas. Atte. Adriana Alvarado Rodríguez.

@amberfuchs398 5 ай бұрын

I like how empowering the three pillars are!

@dawnspallinger6991 5 ай бұрын

This really helps!! I went no contact it's been a year now. When a "thought bubble" comes up. I can now annualize the situation and say to myself. I was in 5th grade when that happened and it wasn't my fault I was a child. They slowly surface now and then. It is so healing to deal correctly with bad memories.

@z1z2z3z 5 ай бұрын

Same for me. I have had to reevaluate all of my childhood memories. It is very difficult to go through but necessary to healing.

@rita.amstlv 5 ай бұрын

Great video! I was the scapegoat and still the life is a big struggle. I have multiple mental problems. I was addicted but I am already 18 yrs clean and sober and a good citizen. My neighbours still live 20 years ago. They bully and do terrible things to me. For example they have burglared in my house for amazing 15 times!!!!!!! Every day they call me bad names and things like that. The police seems to be awful busy. So couple of days ago I made my home burglar proof, alarms and cameras!! Finally I feel safe!!!!!!!! 🌞 I face every day the mean bullying. Still I keep going, I have my faith in Jesus. I also go to the meetings with people with similar challenges. Despite the difficulties I feel strong. Thank you for a informative video!

@marysullivan3881 5 ай бұрын

Rita, I hope you have cameras that record evidence of this, hopefully in 1080p. Be sure to hide wires and server. If law enforcement refuses to help, I would seek legal advice. They need to do their job.

@taliajournee212 5 ай бұрын

This is an amazing breakdown of a very intricate subject matter. Most of which you talked about I'm still working through with my family. Living with your parents/siblings doesn't help but financially I cannot leave yet. I am Sarah but it's my mother not my father that had this attitude. I appreciate your videos, they are eye opening and explain so much about myself.

@a.m.2239 13 күн бұрын

That's so true. Not carrying about the other, setting bouderies is the way. I see now, how he is prioritizing his opinion all the time. What I say, doesn't matter. Actually, he doesn't has the intellegenceto grasp what I say! And I lifelong doubt myself, because I measured with someone who chronically devalues me!

@Charmainecharmainecharmaine 5 ай бұрын

Your dog is so cute and stoic! Barely noticed him blending into the chair. What’s his name?

@Lyrielonwind 5 ай бұрын

Brezo. It means heather in Spanish...I just found out 😂

@marysullivan3881 5 ай бұрын

For most of my life I've felt everyone else's life would be better if I had never been born.

@debbievoss3496 5 ай бұрын

Yes. Well done. I'm also trying on the narc/scapegoat mental training I got from from sister.

@Pookie786 Ай бұрын

My angel

@Lyrielonwind 5 ай бұрын

Brezo is the Spanish name for heather.

@turkson1 5 ай бұрын

Bind/Bond. Good one! Have a like-

@marysullivan3881 5 ай бұрын

Sadly both parents and 3 siblings are dead and kept to their roles. I tried to talk to the golden child about it, but she was in complete denial. It is safe for me now. Now I can get better.

@rita.amstlv 5 ай бұрын

Thank you for your advice!

@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse 5 ай бұрын

Glad it was helpful!

@yl5020 4 ай бұрын

Thank you so much🌻

@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse 4 ай бұрын

You are so welcome

@ClickTrain 5 ай бұрын

Love seeing Brezo (not sure if I have the name right there)! And thanks for the informative video. 🙂

@marysullivan3881 5 ай бұрын

I have signed up for classes in languages and art but never do them because that would be selfish. Help me overcome this.

@TheMilwaukeeProtocol 5 ай бұрын

Is this specific kind of mistreatment (like the Sarah example) the reason someone might be terrified of hurting others? I'm trying to find videos and articles that delve into my particular fear of hurting someone else's feelings. Anyone have leads? (I tried asking Bard, but it made up articles and videos that don't exist but are similar to ones that do. 😮)

@Lyrielonwind 5 ай бұрын

Maybe The Idiot by Dostoevski?

@TheMilwaukeeProtocol 5 ай бұрын

@@Lyrielonwind I was thinking more of a recent therapy article but that is an awesome answer.

@carolynkepler2826 5 ай бұрын

I’m struggling with this right now. I need a space in which to do my artwork but I don’t believe I’m good enough to merit my own space.

@lisaperez8276 5 ай бұрын

💖💖💖💖 hi Brizo!🐶

@AdrianGarciaLic Ай бұрын

Thank you so much for this video Dr Reid. I’m pretty sure that the process in this video has just happened to me . I’m 46 and I’m questioning if the anxiety and anger that I’ve felt for the past week ( since I’ve had my “epiphany”) is normal or usual? Thank you 🙏

@yashi7799 5 ай бұрын

is it also normal that after so much in healthy relationships constructive criticism and simply just a praise for someone else feels like you are being put down? it happens with me and i go into a fight mode and get defensive really quickly? are there any ways or tips to combat that?