You may want to look into narcissistic personality disorder and CPTSD. I am going through the same thing brother. Narcissistic mother. Stay strong. Watch out though, because realising malevolence in your own mother can shatter your preconceptions. A lot of grief like.

I understand when you say about expectations. I beat myself up for not meeting that.makes me feel like a failure.

I can relate to that. For me, it's about creating my own identity through mental training. I'm giving you a big hug, Adam.

You'll become more of yourself if/when you live alone most of the time, get away from them Adam! whatever it takes,save up, move away, even another country,travel,work as you go and be free, you change and grow so fast!

I resonate with a lot of what you are saying, I can see where you're coming from, because I have personal experiences similar to yours. Sometimes it can take until your mid to late 30's to take a reality check and realise how childhood trauma has affected who you have become in various ways, as it isn't always obvious at the time, when you are actually going through it. You forgive, you see it as being normal when you are younger. Maybe this has something to do with why people say life begins at 40, because you turn a corner, you become tougher, less forgiving and you no longer care about the thoughts or feelings of others toward you, with regard to how you choose to live your life and the choices you make or have made. The key to it all, like others have said, is to be willing to take some financial risks and change or do some things in your life that you may not have thought you would ever do, like moving out of home to another warmer country, start a new life, seek love from somebody in a steady relationship and move forwards on your terms, that way, confidence levels will begin to build, you will be able to put the past behind you and ultimately find the identity you are looking for. Unfortunately, often the only way in cases where narcissism and toxicity is present in the home is to just simply get away and cut ties with family (if necessary). Trying to find someone to blame for it all, is not only exhausting for you, but it's a fruitless exercise, basically because its impossible to rewrite the past or change what has happened. The only way from here on in, is to look forward. It could mean a bit of short term pain, but surely it would be for long term gain.

As best you can, try to avoid excess rumination. The simplest cure is action, even if it isn't always the correct one. Be clear about your boundaries and protect them, even when others test you with guilt, shame and other forms of manipulation. I wish you well, Adam. Though our situations are quite different, I can relate to many of the challenges you face.

Therapy is dismantling that prison of mind control and clearing the metaphorical fog in identifying ones path in life.👍

Journaling and finding safe ways to reconnect to body sensations is the way I've healed a lot of this. Very similar issues to what you are describing here. Take care :)

This can be the problem when we don’t have personal space to reflect and discover. Hoping you can find a way to get personal space. Renting in UK now is crazy now Always supporting you man! ;)

yeah, it feels like you have kind of helicopter parents once i heard that for some people the traumatic event can be as huge as they getting beat up. but for other people, even the smallest or weirdest things can have HUUGE impacts, thats why is so hard to analyze trauma, even something as nebulous as your emotions being minimized as a kid...people underestimate just how much our brain adapts to believe that as the truth, literal status quo for our brain. -- i remember saying to my dad as a kid "why cant we be a normal family?" while crying, after chaos endured in our house. im old now, and sometimes it destroys your soul, but is part of our path sadly, im more of an spiritual dude now so i know this stuff is not used to break us but to free us even further, we just chose a hard path before coming to earth. -- i think that what helps for this situations is following your joy, if your joy is out of the house, then so be it, really an authentic path requires throwing people pleasing out of the window, even if it is little by little in my opinion. hope you get more clear bro, you're doing pretty deep work so far this year thats admirable

I think this is when being a people-pleaser comes into play. I think most parents mean best and just want what they think is “good” or “safe” but have trouble adjusting from when their child is young and truly needs major parental direction and guidance to when they grow older and need more independence and responsibility, to becoming an adult and needing to live a separate life from their parents. You’ll have to risk disappointing and frightening your parents in the short term, but in the long term you’ll be happy and more than likely your parents will come to terms with whatever decisions you make. I think what is most important is having a plan for independence. Your an adult, so what happened when you were in school shouldn’t happen now, and if it does, you have the right to say no and reject whatever they are trying to do.

I can really relate. My mother is a covert narcissist and was and still is very emotionally abusive. My dad is a victim too, but as an adult he routinely abandoned my brother and i to our mom's cruelty. He was my only male role model and doomed me to decades of being a lifeless doormat with no ability to make friends or form romantic relationships

Hey Adam I hope this message finds you well and in a good place. ❤ So firstly thank you for sharing and I hope you rise above some of the nasty comments left which in my opinion not only shows a lack of understanding, but perhaps highlights flaws in the characters of those who wrote them... I'm not a health professional/therapist etc. but I would hope those who rake up memories and emotions etc. have a support mechanism in place that someone can contact them for further support and help between sessions. ❤ Part of our well-being/stability is based upon our "foundation of understanding". If that foundation is questioned/shaken it's obviously going to have a knock on effect to someone's well-being and may leak into other areas that we have formed conclusions and understandings on (one negative thought often touches/creates another). This is why I always start from the ground up creating a new solid foundation that is then added to. The process is not questioning/detracting and/or subtracting from the past, but instead adding to our knowledge base. It is a whole different process,/mind-set/approach as one suggests something is/was wrong, while the other just shows a different view point, what could have been done differently and the outcomes thereof, all the while building a newer and stronger understanding and knowledge base we can draw from. Again I am not a therapist etc. but I am a strong advocate for listening, understanding and healthy conversation through comparing notes, allowing people to draw their own conclusions accordingly... I remember one incident in my early childhood where my mum challenged my dad on his behaviour which allegedly resulted in my dad trying to push my mum down the stairs. I remember how it shook my core of security and stability as my understanding clearly wasn't what I thought it was. Turbulent parental relationships "do" have impacts on their off-spring especially if they witness arguments/altercations etc. It is obviously not a healthy environment to be brought up in. ❤ What defines us as people are the things we hold as important coupled with our belief system and values. For example imagine there were no barriers to accomplishing things. Some things we would like to obtain while others would hold no interest and they are each unique to each individual. For example some might want a nice home, car and their own family, another might want to live alone and off the grid. Then there are other factors we take into consideration like the impacts our choices have on others coupled with what is ethical and what isn't etc. These are the things that shape our lives based upon what makes us tick (what we hold as important/of value). The off-set to being free to achieve what we desire are the barriers to progress, and they could range from being unrealistic expectations to lacking the necessary skills etc. to even care responsibilities. If there are barriers beyond our control coming to peace with them (accepting them as they are) might be one way forward in terms of peace of mind and personal expectations someone places on themselves. In terms of finding our own unique strengths and talents, that is often done through praise and recognition from others. This highlights to us something we have achieved that has made the other person react beyond how they normally would. It may humour us, it certainly makes us think and if praise and recognition is given by someone we look up to, it will induce self-pride and encourage us to achieve more of the same in-tow. Adam I am also a strong advocate for treating everyone the same, sadly that's not always the case, and if a parent/someone we look up to seems to favour someone above us it automatically makes us feel second best. This has a knock-on effect on our self-esteem and can bring the worse out in some as they may respond in ways they wouldn't have otherwise. Hope this has been of some help/interest. Not knowing your thoughts on what I have written here I can't go further, but hopefully it has been of some positive use to you. Best wishes and much love and respect to you. ❤

Truth is, for most of us our lives are a product of the system we live under to a very large extent and this applies across the planet. You are very much part of a demographic - the basic problem is due to social trends and how things panned out post-war, the Boomers have far too much power and influence over the society. They have monopolised the housing resources, their vote has a disproportionate impact on our politics and on a micro-level, due to financial constraints, they are determining the life choices of their children. Quite literally - I know of cases where people have been disinherited because they married someone their parents disapproved of. But then, we do so love our Victorian power-play fetishism here in Blighty don't we. None of your problems would matter a damn if you were of independent means - money really does give you control and independence, that is it's value. You can make decisions without consulting anyone else or getting their approval. Equally,If you have no money or job, you can't live independently. This was the lot of the 19th Century wife who was financially dependent on her husband and it's the lot of someone under 40 whose job doesn't meet the the cost of living and who can't fall back on a social safety net (given that it has been dismantled). Young people can't 'make their own way', a lot of them are dependent on a handout from the Bank of Mum and Dad just to get some freakin' shelter or pay the bills ! If that doesn't give the older generation excessive control, I don't know what does. Meanwhile, the Boomers continue to suck the system dry well into their dotage and the state doesn't invest in either the infrastructure or skills training. Like a great many of your generation forced to live like household pets in their parent's basements, your problems are largely material I would say, in that you struggle to find employment which will pay enough for you to live independently.

Adam I relate to so much of what you said. From a young age I was also controlled by my mother. The household I grew up in the dynamic might of been different my dad was a alcoholic and my mother was cold-hearted, like devoid of empathy. I witnessed arguments, domestic and mental abuse I'm 39 now and like yourself, this has had a profound effect on the person I am today. Thank you for talking about such difficult subject matter it resonates alot.

The fact you can change and better yourself is demonstration that your family could too, but don’t. It’s easier to badger and prison you to control your behaviour to ensure you live like them than it would be for them to confront their own failings and dare to try to improve and be happy themselves. That’s how I saw my situation. I was fortunate enough to have a job away from my family. They still try to control even what I wear and how I think with passive aggression even now. I am 56 ffs!!!!!! My mother tried to trash my wedding because my choice of best man didn’t meet her expectations. I resisted and agreed she should stay away then. The blackmail didn’t work so she went to work on my wife and her family to get her way. Still angry after 22years. I feel your pain. Cut away from them. It’s painful but they put you in a cage.

We can see external factors as the cause for how we feel. Whatever happens to us - how we conceive our reactions and feelings is our responsibility. I've found that the experiences we live through - are preparing us to be stronger. Strangely - as if it is exactly what we needed to experience. Now I'm older I learned that "feelings" can define us. Someone told me that feelings are like the weather.....rapidly changeable and unpredictable. We can't construct our identity from those feelings. It helped me a lot. So this ship of our lives might seem like someone else is steering the course - but when we get into that wheel house and navigate (slightly scary); our own course...things change. Admirably - you are looking at finding your way - which is always the sign of an excellent navigator. Thank you for your courage and humanity.

The only thing that gives me meaning is some kind of a goal and small joys that I find in my daily life, and the time I get to myself. The past is a clunker, people are a disaster, and your brain can either be your worst enemy or your best friend. Choose wisely, because dwelling on the bad comes all too easy if you ask me. It's a sad fate we share, having to rely on these strangely familiar people for survival. Freedom is a luxury in short supply, unfortunately.

Fella, the story you tell is uncanny. I already know with parent you're talking about even though you didn't say. My therapist used the same term "abuse" when I described events that happened to me as a child, it hit me like a gut punch, at actually felt in danger from said parent, I almost wanted to tell my therapist shhh, you'll get us in trouble!! .. and I'm 39yrs old! The difference between my situation and yours is that I'm not at home, not even in England anymore, i think it was a subconscious decision to retain some level of agency but the psychological baggage remains with me. Myv therapist also picked up on the fact that I kept saying "should", like, "As a son I should do this.. as a boy I shouldn't do that ..", he asked me why I kept saying it, and to be honest I wasn't even aware a was saying it, a completely subconscious learnt behaviour, it's madness!

The good news is you don't have to have a second thought about someone, or anyone, who doesn't respect you enough to let you live your own life. You can also have the expectation that this person would value you enough to put that into action. If not, you're freed from any responsibility there. And as for someone effectively playing favourites, the bloke you spoke to was right: That's psychological abuse. Right, I've watched the full video now so this part is added on. I do get it's hard to forge a new path mate. Truth is, everybody is winging it. YOU HAVE TO GET AWAY FROM A PERSON WHO ONLY WANTS CONTROL. That's the vital bottom line, so get the flat or the house, or nothing will ever change. And only let said person visit if you want to. You'll get the grief spiel, but it's only a tactic, and a fake one at that. You have no idea how much you'll grow by being your own man, and yes you will do it. Picture yourself in a year, being glad you stepped away because options opened up you'd never realised existed. It all starts by stepping away and removing fraudulent control.

Adam, I appreciate that you're so open with your problems. I struggle not with honesty but, like, usually when I struggle I get more reserved so my close friends and family have to prompt me to share. I find your videos inspiring for me, to strive to be vulnerable with people I love, and because you're pretty relatable on your own terms. Thank you. About 5 years ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of about 1 year because she started a bunch of small arguments that weren't a big deal but, because of my own private ethical rules, each time I felt a bit more drained because I wanted to be an emotional pillar for her and I wanted to have forgiven her and moved on when that wasn't actually true. I knew what the "right" choice was and kept making it but felt more and more like she was trapping me in that corner with a prefab response. With time, I realize I kept myself in that corner. If I had let myself act how I wanted to, these tiny fights wouldn't have become a bigger issue. I hope this resonates with you re: fighting with your family and your own emotions for control. When you dismiss a choice as impossible or bad, think about why and for whom. You have more options than you allow yourself. Act boldly.

I always appreciate your videos from the bottom of my heart, and it hurts that you go through so much. I can tremendously relate to your hardships and struggles. You are a handsome and bright young guy, so just keep pushing through.

Is moving out of home an option? Putting some distance between you and your family would enable you to grow and find out who you are, without the constraints of other peoples’ opinions.

To be honest I don’t think it’s only your parents that shaped the way you are. I think it’s our experience with other people that shaped us as well. At some point you realise how people react to you and it shapes the way you are as a person

Mothers very often 'own' their children. It is not love.

Next time you go to the therapist ask them about family hierarchy and family karma. Unfortunately as the output of our parents, who are themselves are the output of their parents, it seems we have to carry the burden of both of their unresolved issues. Turns out as adults we can choose to let that stuff go but it comes with a price, that price is detachment and the loneliness that comes with it. You know what the thing is though, it give us the ability to see what they can't and that's a whole other story because that makes you responsible for finding a way top show people what they can't. I'm in the exact same situation as you and I'm 38, i haven't found a solution yet but i can completely relate with your situation. Do you have social media or anything ? I'd love to have a chat with you and ask you a few questions if you have the time and the energy.

I am constantly checking myself to not traumatise my sons for life, with every action I take, and now you tell me what a simple argument between your parents caused in you, and I realise that I'm never going to actually know how I influence my kids with every action I take. There are so many different outcomes. Yours, I would never have predicted. So yeah, might was well stop worrying. I'm going to traumatise my kids one way or another, inevitably. If I haven't already, which is most probable.

We are all influenced by our parents but you are an adult. It’s healthy to try to understand how this affects your mental health but it’s quite another to blame them for all your problems.

Lucky haven’t been in that situation. But I do relate somewhat, cause I had to explain every weekend over the phone to family.. that Im tired and I cant come over. It felt like every single weekend. It was a demand on that I come over and hang out. Even though I was working fully. Almost never meet other people cause family took so much time of the little free time I had ”of my rested time”. Hard with the work situation. But to me it sounds like you need a move out. Find an appartment. But as you said about the phone. Yup. It will not solve all issues.

The function of the system we live under - predicated as it is on job/resource/housing insecurity, profit/inequality, privatisation, low wages, the threat of destitution and inadequate social welfare - is that we're all far too dependent on our social support networks to meet our basic survival needs such as shelter and food. There is an ideological hostility in the US/UK to state support. No handouts from the state the Farages of this world say. But handouts from family are of course not only fine but 'the proper order of things'. Fine if you come from a healthy, supportive family but statistics dictate that at least one member of your family is likely to be a maladjusted control freak . On the face of it, we're a wealthy society but really we're about as free as domesticated animals.

Appreciate the video dude

Hey Adam, the other day I was watching a pod cast between Dr Jordan Peterson and Dr Phil. The topics they discuss are actually quite interesting. Things such as lack of purpose, lack of faith, high rates of suicide, even trauma. The conversation is pretty deep and is worth checking out if you have some time to spare. I know podcasts don’t solve your problems, but I feel they offer new perspectives on things.

embrace losing your mind , where did your precious mind get you ,, to misery, so lose it, find a new one, lol.

If the problem is that you're scared to upset people, I'm willing to bet that you have a coping mechanism which means that you will 'tell it like it is and to hell with the upset' if pushed really hard. So whats the difference between upsetting people as a last resort, and upsetting people because the thing that you say is more important than not upsetting people

14:00 Why is a parent interfering with YOUR installation of broadband? Jesus, if that's one example of what they've been doing, what the F else have they been doing all through your life?

Adam, you seem to come across as a mature, level headed guy, but we can all (including myself) be taken in by flashy titles and assume they are salt of the Earth who would never defame others characters. The reality though is they often do relying upon defaming characters and getting as many others that they can to "collaborate" their lies. Anyone with an ounce of integrity would question them and scrutinise for lies, rather than taking the "corrupt" at face value, especially when they have been potentially abusing the public purse for 6 years or more. I always urge people to trust their gut instinct and let common sense and integrity lead them to the "truth". I leave you to work the rest out for yourself... One more thing on the point of "integrity" there are those who give and bring to "the table of life" understanding the sanctuary of life and the need for its longevity, whereas there are those with self agendas fixated on material wealth and social status. One works towards the "survival" of the many while the other will trample on anyone who gets in their way to rape, steal and/or borrow to elevate and quench their lust for self-importance for their moment of "self" glory. I ask you which ones you would place your trust and faith in, and which ones people need to be weary off. Answers on a post card. 🙂

Oof a new adam Video

lighten up francis

Additionally, although it would be nice to feel that the way we are treated or what people expect of us should be equal, if you have siblings, in reality this doesn't happen. I think the British stiff upper lip mentality does condition people into making excuses for the way other people act, its a coping mechanism. I guess its natural, because you don't want to come across as a moaner or someone who just wants to blame everyone else for how you have turned out as a person. Sometimes mothers become narcissistic as they get older and try to set expectations or standards for who they want their children to be, especially in situations where the father is present, but may have not been able to spend the sufficient time with the children especially pre teen or during early teens due to work commitments. Perhaps the father is a bit hen pecked, quite soft or passive and the mother feels that they need to step in, wear the trousers a bit and set the standards to protect the kids and their future.

Are you still living with parents? My suggestion would be if humanly possible, move out. I found my life improved vastly once I was out from under my mother's thumb. My siblings stuck it out way longer but they found the same eventually. When I was 29 with a spouse a toddler and a new baby, she tried to force her way back into the decision maker role and we severed all ties with her. 43 years on , Never ever regretted it. ...Do what is best for you.

This cannot be a healthy situation to continue in. I presume you are recording this video in your car because you want to be out of earshot of your folks. Getting out of that situation as soon as possible is the only solution, once you can of course.

do you get out much?

mate I will try to be nice, it easy to blame people but your just an easy target. Most won't expect you to insult them back as you have nothing and maybe its because of that they feel better than you. So all these people feel superior so they will act better. You need to stop thinking and take action if I was you. Go to foreign country get married come back. Go find yourself instead of saying you don't have an identity. Stop acting like your life was hard you do have two parents and your looking for an excuse. Oh my parents argued that justifies me doing nothing. Oh my parents got a phoneline to call me and I didnt want to hang up 20years ago. Your not a victim you didnt have constraints you choices are based on you, you have a fake cage you think your conditioned but your not. You just want to justify why you do nothing.