I keep thinking : Narcissism is a million times worse than anything you hear or read about, you have to have been a victim to understand.

They avoid contact with those who've figured them out.

The covert narcissist can appear to be almost normal until something triggers them. It might take a long time. That's why they can hurt you even more than regular narcissists.

"A pond pretending to be an ocean" well said

"He is a pond pretending to be an ocean" There are always the most accurate and enlightening quotes on these videos.

Humility, kindness, empathy and willingness to be open - never in a narcissist.

The best way to defend yourself from all sorts of abusers is understanding them and knowing yourself. Knowledge is power.

This should be required material in public schools. So many narcissists and psychopaths out there it is essential people learn how to spot them.

I was "discarded" by a person who exhibited all the narcissist regalia. Boy was that the happiest day of my life!!

I think he just described every politician and celebrity in Hollywood.

All of this was my ex. He reeked havoc on all aspects of my life. Calm, aloof, no remorse, grandiose, parasitic abuser

i will never marry a man that reminds me of my dad.. never

When confronted and cornered and loosing control they start to shake their head from side to side, stare blankly at you, eyes look black, face somehow changes, defensive body language.......very scary

Just wanted to state something from my experience: Female narcissists are surprisingly similar to the male archetype. As a victim it's sometimes difficult to not become LIKE them in order to survive. The best advice I've heard from everyone is to get out, or gain distance, asap, before the narcissist manages to turn the tables for the observers and is able to play the victim when you fight back or establish boundaries.

My sense of self-worth was nearly destroyed due to falling for a narcissist early on in my adult life. Relationships with narcissists are very unhealthy. Remember to never compromise to take a shot at what you think at the time is 'love'.

I got fired this past week by someone exactly like what he is saying except for 1 trait...when I walked out the door and challenged him to bully me outside he locked all the doors and called the police...mind you I am 5'11 and he is 6'2...narcissists are the biggest cowards too

They can also abuse their children, and they just don't care. You are just an object to them.

Always sat in corner away from people fell asleep at parties, made people uncomfortable.

I've learned one of the best ways you can tell whether or not someone is a narcissist is the way they treat people like waiters/waitresses or salespeople. If they treat people they don't know in an arrogant, condescending way, it will only be a matter of time before they will treat you that way.

Wow, I just broke up with my ex four weeks ago, he went into a rage when I found out he was seeing his ex. During the five years we been together I knew something was wrong but had no clue as to what. He always shifted blame on me in every negative situation, I was the cause of this and that. After searching the tube I found these videos and what everybody have spoken about hit head on the nail. After paying his rent, buying groceries and giving him a few dollars I was called every name except for a child of God. He could be so sweet at times and I would be happy but only for a moment, he savatage every good thing even when we were around family and friends. I was devastated, hurt angry I even wanted to get even but changed my mind. I'm getting better everyday and I thank God for that. I just never thought that these people existed. Omg he always talked of himself as a third person, I never thought anything about it...I thought it was the new slang, any way I'm happy it's over. I have a few bumps and bruises but I'm here ...Amen

I have a Narcissist father. He will always get his way, at times disrespecting his own family allowing outsiders to intervene. I have also realized that Narcissists work in groups assisting each other. There is a collective Elitist thought that keeps them together. Even a psychologist was in on the program it was later discovered that he had been taking social favors for assisting my father get his way. Over the years I have found a lot of solitude being on my own. I might have traits of what you are describing in your video. Thanks. Videos like this help people who come from narcissistic families maintain a healthy frame of mind.

there is no cure for narsacistic behavior

Evil and destructive is what I call these individuals. They want everything from you, and nothing is reciprocal. I have never in my life felt as much emotional abuse and pain as loving a narcissist!!! I wish narcissists had to feel what they do to people for a solid day. I am quite sure they would have a mental breakdown. Nothing in life could have prepared me for this! Thank you for the videos.

For years I thought my father in law was a charming fellow until I spent a few hours with him in the car. He just went on and on about himself the entire time. I wanted to jump out of the window. I asked him about his thought about his son and it AWAYS came back to him.

temperment of toddlers

A very accurate account. I've been on the receiving end of this kind of abuse from a family member for years. You'll find these people in positions of 'care' and health. To all the world appearing the 'saviour' but behind the scenes using the weakness of those they're meant to be caring for, to gain some kind of thrill of superiority and control. Confuses and upsets the hell out of me...

The world is becoming full of narcissists 😬.

"Look what you made me do!" Heard that from my brother my whole childhood.

The "shy observer" while controlling the partner with glances that become glares or the subtle, downward movement of a smile when the victim looks at him. Control is exerted across a room especially if the partner is outgoing, friendly and/or extroverted.

Hi. I've known some male doctors who exhibited narcissistic traits just as Sam Vaknin described. In relationships/friendships, there were 2 guys who had narcissistic traits. NO analogies, excuses, stories, life history are good reasons for ANY person to treat others poorly. The irony of it all is that narcissists treat their close ones & friends worse than they do strangers & enemies. It's like what Sam said in this video, those who are closest to the narcissist are treated worse. Take care!

My dad is a narcissist and I've personally suffered a lot*. Thank goodness, I had my mom to envision me these things and friends to share my pain with. These people never change so the only solution for saving your individuality and mental peace is get away from them asap. If it has something to do with maternal relationship, please ignore what they say and focus on your goals and dreams. Never give up on your life or on the people who support you, the world has both good and bad people.

the sustained and piercing eye contact is definitly a give-away, I noticed that one and creeps me out

Got trapped living with 2 of these and realized almost too late what they were up to and the nasty games they were playing. Once you shut down contact and anyway for them to play with your emotions, they lose power. Now I can spot a sociopath/psychopath immediately and find them 'Pathetically Predictable' as someone stated. With some research and help from others I was able to rid myself of two of the worst people (family members) in my life. Also I recently dealt with another one of these monsters quickly and painlessly. The most frightening thing is that these freaks that are devoid of empathy are in powerful positions. Until this is made common knowledge this world will continue to decline into an uncaring and humorless society and carry on following these cult leaders.

Psychopaths, for example, often have an unusual, highly identifiable body carriage. Their posture is different and as you said, kind of regal.

Yep always sitting alone falls asleep, stares. Buggy eyed!

MOTHER! Had to cut contacts or she'd drive me nuts.

You saved my life by educating me on what the hell was going on in my life Sam, thank you. I have had several N's in my life and just asking them if they have ever heard of you sends them into narcisstic body rage even if they claim to have never heard of you. I have learned to pay attention to what people do as well as what they say. Their body language always gives them away even if they say all the right things. Paying attention to the fact that their body language and what they were saying didn't match up was a huge thing for me to understand to deal with the lies and gaslighting in a way that kept me emotionally safe.

I had an experience like this with my oldest friend. After school we barely kept contact. Then he moved to Australia, and then all over. He came home a few times and we caught up. He was different but not in a bad way. Mainly just his accent. The last time I met up with him, we all got really drunk. And that's when this side of him came out. As I held the position of his dearest friend. He has high pronoun density. All he talks about is how he has landed jobs all over the world and how much money he makes. As soon as the conversation becomes introspective he goes silent. He is glib, gregarious. He really wouldn't accept that people view me as an intelligent person. He insisted how dumb I was. I couldn't get away from him and he followed me when I was trying to get a taxi after I'd had enough of his bs. He ran the same routine in front of as many people as possible. It was that out of order I was being refused taxis as it looked like I was going to be in a fight. When I finally got a taxi he peered in through the drivers window and asked me something in a caring way and secretly payed the taxi. I was suicidal for a week after this. Because I was so humiliated. There is more to the story involving an incident from my past. Which he made very public. Then would go from wanting to talk about that to saying how stupid I am. He was toying with my emotions. I have had deeply vengeful feeling since then. And have been really irritable ever since and it was over 6 months ago. I'm not the same and I think I would go into a rage if I was treated the same again. So I need to learn how to spot people like this so I can avoid them and not do something I regret.

Funnily enough dealing with narcissists in the family forced me to adopt some of their traits, just to survive.

I will agree with him on the prolonged and quite frankly creepy level of eye contact that Narcissists typically bring to bear to throw people off balance, but I would beg to differ in terms of this alleged physical distance. Those few I've encountered who showed real Narcissistic tendencies more seemed to enjoy flaunting personal space boundaries and standing entirely TOO close to others, most times almost seeming to be putting real effort into looming over people even if they were physically shorter than who they were trying to intimidate. It is a bizarre thing to see and very off-putting, as at that point you are often still bewildered and trying to figure out whether the person is really acting in this domineering way or whether you are just imagining it. This nasty little manipulative tactic is where Narcissists get their trademark trait of making people question their own sanity.

For many of us who have lived with narcissists we learn more fully about this condition after the fact. Learning more about this condition and especially the signs of a narcissist helps to prevent another one from taking advantage. Thank you for this most informative video.

wow. wish I would have known this 15 years ago.

Now knowing that 20 years trying to please and hold on to "the love of my life" was all a narc's cyclical repetative need for NS from me I am stunned that this destructive abuse is not widely known. She was so expert in maniplulating at least 10 cycles of idealization through abandnment that I even left a wonderful woman to return to her after two years of no contact. I "knew" what was happening but with no knowlege base I assumed it was my unique hell. Sam's videos DEFINE her. If only I knew..

This completely describes my father who other family members cannot seem to grasp the idea that he has a personality disorder. My mother was the psychoanalyst who projected all her fears onto other people which became self fulfilling prophecies. They are so full of toxic negativity the only successful way to deal is no contact.

Ugh, it's like his battle stance when we interact. I'm so glad I'm educating myself. the condescension and the lone wolf. the special privileges and the entitlement. and the shifting of responsibility.. everything is my fault. Idealization and devalue. but he doesn't even idealize. he just devalues.

I have lived with two abusers..the worst manipulators ..deceitful and everybody is an object to escape responsibility accountability or clear and honest communication..everything is a “strategy” to get control resulting in getting what they want need or entitled to.. Passive aggressive and narcissistic behavior destroy lives..dehumanize intentionally..it’s the worst “ crazy making” of any human mind..it almost cost me my life! I survived but it was brutally hard work!..GODS grace!

This had almost nothing to do with body language specifically.

Will not apologize for their actions.

First of all, I want to say "Congratulations and thank You!" for such a well-defined description and explanation of the thinkingg and acting behind the NPD. As a doctor beginning my career in psychiatry this is one of the most valuable and accurate depictions of such behaviour. I am looking forward to more educational videos in the future :) Keep up the good work!

perfect ! exactly the person i spent most of my childhood and early 20s , and i was wondering why i always feels my life is better away from him

All healthy people have some narcissistic traits, but a true narcissist has all or most of the traits without empathy, which is the biggest difference between healthy narcissism and malignant narcissism. There are plenty of people who are not true narcissists who still make the world a less pleasant place to live in.

:/ My face when I find out that I've dated a narcissist.

Thank you for your kind words. As to your question, please refer to the title of the video.

This is my ex to the max. Especially the part about trying to sound like a "renaissance man" or "genius" when they are simply as deep as their facade 😂

Crying as I watch this in 2019. Thank you.

Yeap, this is my 'ol man that I have been with for 21 years. Great to know that I finally figured it out. Thank God for you tube.

Sam, this describes my boss. Just quit after years of abuse. Feel better than ever! Thanks

Thank you , I'm recovering from one year 1/2 have of sheer pain . The greatest pain I have ever felt in my life. You are doing a great service to help the public understand and what to look for so we don't fall victim ever again.

My brother has a creepy, sleazy giggle when spying and being inappropriate, which people don't seem to notice. He is not only abusive, but thinks he is entitled to be abusive.

My daughter as a men like this I hope to God that some day soon she can get away from his life .... Peace.

My god!! This explains my ex perfectly! He controlled us with his angry outbursts and was an emotional and physical abuser too. It took me 5 years after we split up to finally get rid of him.

Dr. Sam. Many people are on here providing information on NPD. Some victims some others narcissists reading like a story. While some are factual and some entertaining your work is intellectually the best. Personally I prefer the delivery to be provided in an academic format as I am not looking to be entertained here, but rather educated. I've learned the most from you. Your work is very much appreciated. Thank you!

I am a victim of Narcissim and so is my son and daughter. He is an awesome Drama queen, manipulator and the kids ARE (but not fully) brained washed as they physically abuse me and his mother gets abused daily I don't like my kids abusing their nanna. Thank you SAM VAKNIN. Life will get better now with all the research to devour, i am excited, I won't be crying rivers anymore.

FABULOUS! A real treatise on a subject that lies hidden in plain sight! Thanks for the insights.

You Sir, have just described my ex husband!! there was only one thing that he didn't do - abuse or belittle a waiter. His behaviour is becoming more and more apparent now that I know what to look for, and all the time I thought it was me being overly sensitive and judgmental. Thank you for this most enlightening insight into that evil bastard's mind. Now he's trying to belittle and undermine me behind my back, to our children. But they're old enough to see what's going on, and they tell me what he says.

A guy I just met not too long ago shows signs of narcissism. He says he's my friend but I know better. I cut things off with him today. I deleted his contact number and am trying really hard not to text him.

one of the best video in explaining this terrible condition. Big help!

Actually, I know a psychopathic woman who loves hugging everyone...absolutely everyone. That is part of her charm act. Is it possible for a psychopath, to be secretively a very insecure person? Thanks.

This is my mother totally..the frustrating part is that my reactions always seem uncalled for, to her, and others. It's as if her actions are invisible to the world, and I'm caught suffering the consequences for them. Narcissists have such a low sense of self, (they actually get rid of it, totally) that no one notices that they are just acting in life, there is nothing sincere about them. They use whatever they can about you, to boost their image.

Absolutely right on info concerning my soon to be ex husband. Sam, this is further confirmation to me that my instinct and reactions to my husband's rigid and crazy , demeaning behaviors were correct. I AM GETTING OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE AFTER LEST THAN A YEAR ..... But not without major resulting trauma and psychological soul snatching. I will revover and I thank you for such valuable info to me . Your videos have been reassuring and proof positive that I made the right decision to get out.

I can't believe how helpful this was, thank you so much! I have had a hard time understanding the seriousness of my situation, and have been searching for more information. Because he has never hit me I was not sure if I would fit in the category of being in a Domestic Violence situation. Trying to explain to others how life with him has been, is sometimes difficult to explain. I kept hoping he would get better, He says AGAIN that he was blinded and now see's what he was doing and if I just will let him back into the household I will see that he is better, It's going to be a long road of healing I have a feeling, It's been four years now with him. He never stopped talking it seemed plus he didn't work so we were with eachother 24 hours a day. He not only does everything you said but also has a spiritual twist to manipulate. Thank you for your video, it helped me

This is so on point. I wished I knew it in 2020, as I became the victim at work. After I dealt with it (escaped) I was shocked by the realization, because I'm major in psychology and didn't see it coming. Please find a way to make your videos more viral. The world needs this knowledge more than ever.

throughout my life i have been labeled as a psychopath or schizo, mainly by my family as my father was diagnosed with these terms, i know in my heart that im not. i have great empathy and compassion for people but have also developed a low self esteem and depression because of being called this! i am very introverted and do have some traits as mentioned above, the main one is superiority. to explain, its not that i think im better than others, i just have a passion for learning and i do lose respect for others that dont have any interests in learning or improving themselves. i also get torn between two expressions of emotion; i hate lying but when honest, (and i am most of the time) i am said to be to blunt or emotionally detached, rude etc. i hear a lot of lies in day to day communication and i feel being honest is a better character trait than not hurting someones feelings. Example, a girl asks how do i look (referring to her fashion choice) i reply "its not the clothing i would wear, but if you feel comfortable in it wear it". Now obviously i wouldnt wear a womans clothing but she is offended by my answer. so should i lie and say she looks beautiful no matter what or should people respect and appreciate honesty more? i am not easily offended and criticism doesnt bother me, however i am aware that it does bother many others, is this a trait of a psycopath?

I moved 533 miles away from home to an extreme narcissist , im totally screwed😱and so are my kids😞 thinking were going to have fresh new normal life👿

4. Record the times/dates of contact/what's said if you later have to prove harassment, 5. Tell everyone you know who this person is/what they're doing in case he/she contacts them to get yr contact info, 6. KEEP ignoring them. In my experience psychos stop contact if they get bored or find a new shiny, sparkly toy (ie victim). IMPORTANT: in pt 1 I forgot to say that when you write to them, tell them NOT to reply to your request to cease contact (b/c they'll use that against you) Hope this helps

Very good insight. Best to walk away from this kind of personality disorder. You can't help them. They are extremely convincing liars. They can harm you badly.

OH MY GOD. This is my dad exactly.

Great vid here! I bought your book about a year ago! And love it! So very informative... i have a narcissist abuser in my life. Narcissism does exist in many lesser forms... but some of us get the "splendid privilege" of knowing the Sociopathic Narcissist on a much more personal level. sic This may be a more "rare" breed. But just like you say... very charming persona in public... Great Actors are the true rare form of Narcissists... except to those closest to them..

This man is brilliant... These are things I've always seen in someone but never put together.

Oh I can't believe it. You nailed it. That is the perfect description of my husband and how he acts towards me and others. I was never able to explain that to anyone. And they wouldn't believe it anyway. I am right now searching for a Psychologist, but I don't know how to describe all the things I went through. And a lot of them may not be aware of that condition. And since the pandemic, it is hard to find someone. I hope I can find someone finally. Until then, I will watch vidoes like yours to build myself up. Thank you so much! ❤

you just described most alcoholics, even/if after they stop drinking.

Thank you for these wonderful and very insightful and informative videos, Sam.

Great analysis, i've realised over the past 2 - 3 years my dad shows a lot of these qualities

Dr. Vaknin, thank you for sharing your insight with the rest of us. It supplies a little piece of the puzzle here and there. It's helped me understand a person in my life who did a lot of damage. And forgive and deal with them in a much better way. There is so much enlightenment in what you say and it's sure helped a lot of people.

so accurate video.. narcissists hurt their closest, their dearest; deceiving the rest of the world bout their reality. spouse & children turn out to be your normal depressed dysfunctional family.

I strongly believe that's true! It works best for TEMPORARY encounters. In longer term relationships they are unrelenting. And now matter how smart or strategic the "victims" are, it becomes far too mentally tiring to keep up defenses constantly at ALL times. Actually, a true narcissist wins just by knowing that the other person has too be on guard, ALWAYS. Just having to watch your back and never relaxing means the N has total control

Nobody alive (that I'm aware of) understands more about narcissism than this man.

Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with us,Sam.

This is quite an insightful summary, and I recognize many descriptors in certain people I know and work with,

For anyone thinking of trying to outwit, outsmart or outplay a psychopath in a relationship, forget it. You won't win. These people are mentally competitive & resilient. A good fight amuses them. No matter what you say or how you say it, they will turn it back on to you. Even if you keep notes on your interactions with them, they will lie about those interactions & fight you tooth & nail to try to prove you wrong every time. Fighting with them will exhaust you which is their desired outcome.

This is a really , really good video . I enjoyed watching it so much. Now I know how the Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abusers behave and think. I even saw them and they are rampant here.But there was this one person that had all of these traits and all of the things you said. My brain kept passively analyzing and comparing. Therefore all of this is true , and I am surprised how anyone could give this any thumbs down. Dr.Sam vaknin I really enjoyed this and thank you for making this.

A lot of good information. Listening to this video (for me however) is bittersweet. I have / am STILL going through a situation w/ a narcissist. Some things that have happened have skirted the boundaries of legal, social, fiduciary, electronic (internet) and emotional abuse to both myself and one other individual. My efforts to bring certain bits of information to the attention of others were to no avail. The narcissist gained so much ground and operated against me so INCREDIBLY fast that, it was almost like trying to catch a moving freight train that had no brakes. By the time I had pieced together and summarized for myself that I was dealing with a narcissist it was far too late. The deck was stacked against me to such an extent that I had no way of swimming out from under the weight of it all. By the time I pieced together what was going on I lost someone very precious to me......and it HURTS.Now I cannot get near my loved one :( . I wish people in certain professions believed victims accounts. All to often the information provided by victims such as myself is often dismissed, overlooked, or at worst not believed at in certain professional circles at, all until it is too late. Thank you for shinning a light on this phenomenon and personality type. I think very working professional in America and beyond should be MANDATED to watch this video. Thank you, once again.

I think maybe my last relationship was with a narcissist... There were sort of conflicting traits. There was definitely a mental illness present, but I hadn't figured out what. She would feign passing out for attention, conveniently landing in a way that avoided injury. She often acted suicidal, to the point i suspected she enjoyed me comforting her and me fearing for her safety. She fed off drama, almost every day brought some new conflict, even if she had to create it herself. I read your website, the part about "twisted and tragic relationships" being a staple of the narcissist really hit home. I won't forget me crying and her lying right to my tear stained face about not cheating, I just don't think anyone without something wrong with their brain could pull that off like she did, that made me suspect psychopathy... Yet I truly believe there were moments of genuine affection, and sweetness...when she didn't know I was looking. So I dunno. I found myself addicted to the anxiety drugs that I took everyday just to function, but have since been to a therapist and have stayed clean. When someone asks me about the relationship in person I don't even know how to describe it or even where to start. I guess I just want to know what I dealt with.

Thank you for your videos. Perhaps now I can start to move forward in my life.

Thank you Sam been so lost recently I have the feeling of being in the middle of nowhere. Your vidéos are enlinghtening.

Timeless information, they never change!

You Sir are BRILLIANT! Thank you so much for your videos.

I'm so proud to have destroyed and dropped the narcissist at the perfect moment. It was so satisfying. Although I had strong feelings for them at the moment. But boy was it mesmerizing. Seeing a witch burn in their own fire.

I googled: What would cause people to behave badly on special occasions, I found your videos and I feel enlightened!! There is a person in our family that I worry about and causes another family member (very important family member) a lot of grief by withdrawing at ever single family occasion or holiday. I don't know yet how all this information will help me but I KNOW it will. Thank you. I also don't know how to help the person mentioned but I at least know what questions to ask and who to ask. Again, Thank you

Thank you for all your videos Sam, I have learned so much from you, and you've helped me understand so many things that I couldn't rationalise about someone I know.