The desire to be alone after leaving, but feeling like life is passing by is a difficult one to process.

Narcissists can oscillate between overt and covert. That’s is what is very confusing. It’s a double whammy.

I felt like I was dying physically and mentally. Very draining. Ty Ben

It took me months to figure it out, to understand what was happening to me, what he had in his brain, I felt drain, exhausted, depleted, confused, depressed, sad, lonely, crazy, everything was the same but not at the same time as if I had crossed to another dimension, up was down and down was up, and I couldn't make myself stop having "feelings", thinking about him not matter how mean and awful he was to me and that make me hate myself, nobody believed me and I felt so toxic.

I Identified with every single bit. That is why as hard as it was for me I went NO CONTACT.That is the key to recovery and healing. Without that the rest of useless. 🍒

I developed social anxiety while with CN, but remembered that before him I was super social and the Chair of Social Activities for a sports club for 3 years. When I remembered that, and the confident person I once was, helped me realise it isn't my anxiety to live with. It was his.

The second part with the anxiety, feeling like the relationship will fall apart at any second, feeling like he felt I was never good enough in his eyes, even though in my heart I knew he wasn't good enough for me. I get it.

It’s not only in intimate relationships, it’s in families, one toxic/narc can break the family apart, it’s sad!

Kept thinking he’d grow up, show up & stop being cruel. Never happened.

Being in the relationship is confusing , you don't know what they want, they lie, cheat, manipulate, eventually you realise you need to leave and then you start to learn about covert narcs. After all this you are trying to cut that part of your brain out that they are invading. I am sure I was very near to a breakdown, 10 months later it is a little easier thanks to my close friends who gave me love. But I am not sure I will ever fully recover. Lots of healing love to all of you.

It's been 2.5 months of no contact but I just want to hear his voice...I loved him so much..but I know he was abusive..I need to talk to someone that has had this same experience..it is so hard to believe he was just a con man..some days I am so strong and some days I am a puddle of tears

You are a beacon of hope for everyone who has been with or IS a narcissist. I worked so fucken hard on my family life and my relationship with a covert narcissist (or someone with coverts narcissist passive aggressive traits) and after 2.5 years of wondering why on earth we weren’t making ANY progress on our homestead, I’m so done and currently trying to move on. I am excited to move forward because thankfully I KNEW I WAS HAPPY when I met him.... So he’s not going to break me down or make me feel crazy any longer. This woman is done, and checking out. Thanks again, so much

Healing is absolutely possible. You must decide you want it bad and go forward! I had to force my ex out. Kept his cats and dogs and I am so happy just to take care of pets and live on my own. I used to beg him to take care of them. Feed them, wash them, play with them. Now I just got rid of him and kept the pets! Byyyeee

It was never good enough

All it is is a fight now… that’s all they want. If they can’t get your love then they will choose your hate.

I've been separated for almost 6 months now from my 15 years with a covert wife. 100% all true!

Thank you so much for the covert videos. It is…I have no words for how helpful these are. Thank you.

8 years of cheating and lying manipulation, putting our kids against each other and this voice inside me would scream this is so wrong but he had me trained so well he would do horrible and say horrible things to me, days later he would hug me and kiss me bring me flowers telling me how lucky he is that I'm so strong! looking back on it it made me feel good like yay I did something right. it disgusts me. He was a magnificent love bomber who always bought me what I wanted while I had my guard up after he would get caught. once I let my guard down boom the cycle would start over. God Help Anyone Who Gets Stuck In This.

I know now that Ive been in other relationships with ppl of this type. However, this past multi-year relationship almost killed me and I just wanted my life to end. I never knew what covert narcissism was until googling his behaviors. Ive spent around 1000 hrs researching, listening to podcasts, devouring books to understand this is exactly what I was dealing with. It was almost a repeat of my childhood. After 3 years, I finally blocked him for good. He hoovered me back in to brutally and swiftly discard me via triangulation. In those years, I disappeared and all my professional success and personal development slowly eroded to nothing. I am still trying to crawl back out of this black hole of despair that I found myself in.

If there was a mark on the window or mirror or a hair tie laying on the floor i was cheating. If he was sleeping I was accused of cheating in the bed beside him. I went through hours of interrogation until I was just depleted and I was still told I was lying. I never ever cheated.

I'm presently of the opinion that your good old Covert, Vulnerable is the better description, narcissist is the most dangerous of all types. They're subtle, they ensnare ; they kind of need your help BUT they are somehow the Boss. You feel weird but you somehow continue to believe in them. Good for you! After all they are kind of innocent ; so hard done by. Pity you're unaware of the harsh, hard inner landscape.

I've read that book. None of that list resonated with me. He never made me feel "not good enough." He never made me feel like it was my fault. He always took the blame. But literally, everything else in the book was him. One time he let what he really felt slip and he told me that, "I deserved everything that had happened to me."..... csa, adult sa, dv... a whole bunch of stuff I told him and only him. That was the only time he let how he really felt slip. He was so passive aggressive but, he always made it seem like it was his fault. Like he was supposed to come over and he would "sleep" until way late and then tell me hours after he was supposed to be here, "my bad, I fell asleep." Sex was another thing. After he started discarding me, sex really changed. We hardly ever had it.

Thank you to the writer of this book. It does help to hear vivid language describing the feelings of someone who is being abused in this way. To anyone here who is experiencing any of these emotions, my heart breaks for you. No matter how awful and hopeless you feel, and no matter how trite it sounds, you are not alone. All the best to you, you deserve it!

these people are everywhere,in order to combat them,its like you have to take on some of these traits,like wearing a mask as well,have to be extremely alert since they too are visiting these sights to extend the play ground,i can imagine the devastation at hand in this woeld

I didn’t realize how badly I needed to hear this video. I’m not sure why, but it may quite impact when you listed how other people feel after the break up. I thought Somethings wrong with me. I’m just having a really hard time remembering who I am. But I can’t pick up from where I left off 11 years ago because people grow and change. With time right? After all I’ve been through. Who am I know? Who am I supposed to be? Most days I can’t even think my brain is filled with chaos. I can’t sleep more than a couple hours. For the first few months up until lately, all I did was sleep. Now I sleep but wake up every couple hours. It’s pretty lonely. But at the same time I do feel a huge relief off my chest. I never felt like I could keep up with him. It was exhausting trying to make him happy or do the right thing or not do the wrong thing or wonder how it’s gonna go today? Just all of it. I try to remember that one the days are hard. Lately they’ve been kind of tough. I thought I was the exception and I can make this work. I think that’s such a deceiving thought because what makes me special? Why would I be the exception just because I want it doesn’t mean it’s so. I thought if it’s real for me, then it Hass to be real. So now I tell myself it was real for me, despite whether it was anything for him, it was my first love 11 years. The only father, my daughters ever known. But I know I can do this we can all do this.

They have been playing mind games for years but you are stronger.

Slimed. Naive. Discouraged. Traumatized. Frustrated. Worn out. But oddly? Still hopeful about healthy love for the future. With someone far more present, available & empathetic. Bring. It. 🙏🏼 Thx for your very important work!

Absolutely wanting to, and value, being alone

Ben, back before you went through therapy, as a narc, did you ever fully understand the extent of the damage that you were doing before your mind shut it down? Not to judge you personally, just to ask because of your experience with that narc mindset. I just wonder if narcs have any idea how deep the pain they cause goes, without having gone through therapy. Thank you for helping us to understand narcissism from the other side.

What an amazing video, Ben. Thank you so much. I related to so many of these feelings post covert narcissistic relationship. I'm still trying to heal but I know I'll never be the same again. 😢

I felt like a maid. I felt like a sex toy. I felt stupid. I felt worthless. I felt fat. I felt ugly. I felt like nothing I did was ever right. I felt like I really was crazy. I felt like I deserved his treatment. I felt like I deserved even more of that. I felt my world falling apart.

I felt I was going crazy 🤪 because the way they were behaving,I couldn't understand what was happening, or what they were doing, but their behaviour was driving me crazy 😧

Thanks Ben!

Thank you Ben. I was loved bombed for a long time due to the accident. Then after all that was over he took off his mask and ran away from me. I get it full circle.

Coverts are worst in my humble opinion..cuz they operate under the radar...and they are abusive as a hell...those feelings that mentioned in the video are exactly it..current on my healing path from 11 yrs mrg with the covert narc..

I have felt almost ALL of those things at one point in time. Thank you for this video, so good! Very validating of what I, we all, have gone through in one way or another…and many times in the same way. So grateful I left my narcissistic ex-boyfriend 4months ago with no contact! Headed to the app to track my no contact progress…love that! Stay strong everyone, healing is possible!!!🙌🏽🙏🏽♥️

You're doing very important work. Thank you!!

Absolutely spot on. Thank you

Starts at minute 3.00

Officially (because I had to get her to physically type when we split, had to suggest the date and reason why, basically beg her to confirm a logical safe mental anchor for me to know it was over) we split day after valentine's Day 2021. It had been ongoing since March 2020, I am still very much in a war. 12/13 years together, 3 kids, the I fight for. I'm tired. I'm not crazy. At least the crazy she portrays. Just half successfully batted a hoover attempt a week ago (I believe at least).... Been sleeping on the sofa since. Broke today and have unconsciouslly ended up here and realised why I'm shaking and whatsnheen happening! Not long ago I think I saved my house, but it has been very painful, she seems to have forgotten the last 16 weeks. Ignore the rest........ 'why can't you just move on' This is fucking hell. My mind has been shattered, I'm still here.

I felt exhausted from the circular "conversations", the nothing was ever enough, withholding, lies, threats to leave in a drunken state that made me worry as he has an expired license with 3 dwi's which meant a 4th would be prison. Hindsight was it was an excuse to cheat, drink more and plan his premeditated exit as the victim of abuse when in fact he was the reactive abuser. Still, as horrible as it was it taught me alot about my pass and helped me to grow on a personal level. God can and will take what was meant for bad and apply it to good. I'm forever changed, but it's a good thing as I'm now more confident, less concerned about pleasing others as you can't be everything for everyone. Also, I learned that it's not my right or responsiblity to fix others. I have stronger boundaries as well and am fine weather with someone or alone, whereas being manipulated by him made me doubt myself and affected my stress level and memory. I'm happier now as peace trumps drama any day. Still I have my moments from all the future faking ( not love bombing as not everyone is love bombed) and still have some struggles with the endless insults, his envy and blatant contempt but all in all I'm better and yes it does get better. You can overcome and will end up a stronger and wiser, more down to earth person because of it. There is your closure that the narc didn't think they gave you.

Horrible i felt like i was dying

I have all those feelings

After being with my wife I feel disgusted about all women. I don't believe that all women share her terrible personal hygiene habits but my perspective about women is so distorted right now that it's difficult for me to see myself being with another woman. I prefer to stay single point blank.

Transparency & writing both helped me enormously.

Yes 😢. All of these things.

This is so amazing friend 🥰🤩👑 I’m so proud of you !!!!!

That's Exactly the way I'm feeling right now. I'm so grateful you made this video thank you so... Much!!! I like that you made these videos having been a Narcissist

Like my story. Thank you man, you’re doing amazing job

Love that book

Well said

Tqvm Mate... apprciate this 🙏🏽

I feel like you're reading a letter I wrote if I could put what I feel right now into words! I left my covert husband of 14 years less than one month ago. This is the second time I left after going back for just 3 short months. I regretted going back literally the day I went back! For the last 3 years he suddenly went from the love of my life, my best friend and someone I trusted completely to accuse me of cheating pretty much every day for the last two years and even creating evidence trying to convince me he had proof. I discovered he was cheating a little over a year after he started accusing me. He constantly picked fights and purposely did things he knew would hurt me or make me mad so I'd react then make it seem like I was the one who always started our fights. He would call me horrible names, belittling me, gaslight me, lie about everything, he controlled where I went by ruining my car and even punctured my car tire with his pocket knife once so he could control when I came and went while he was at work. He never did buy me a new tire like he said he would. A family friend ended up giving me a decent used one they had after getting new tires. He blamed me for everything and not once in 14 years of marriage has he ever taken responsibility for any of his words or actions, yet claims he is the only one who's apologized in our relationship and that he does it often. He projected all his negative characteristics and actions on me while claiming he possessed all my good traits like honesty, loyalty and forgiveness attempting to maintain his innocence. He weaponized things about me that I had shared in intimate times. He told me horrific lies he supposedly heard about my adult children wanting to hurt me and to triangulate us hoping it would cause friction between us to keep them from helping me get away from him again. He got me fired from a job I had for almost 19 years by calling and leavimg messages on my supervisors voice mail at 3 and 4 am. I still don't know what he told them. I just know the reason they gave me were BS. This happened right after my mother died. So, I feel like I lost everything in 2021. She was in ICU and hospital for almost one month before going home on hospice then died a week later. He accused me of cheating every time I went to the hospital to spend time with her. After she passed away he asked my siblings if he could be the speaker and facilitate her funeral. Since I had not told any of them the hell he was putting me through they all loved that he volunteered and allowed him to. Protesting would have made me the bad guy so I said nothing. He never let me grieve her and I'm still trying to come to terms with all that happened. The thing that I believed has caused the most confusion and damage is the gaslighting and manipulation. I have hope now though and have final gotten some peace as long as I don't check my email, lol

Yup

🥺

Ben Taylor, I am a man who has survived the narcissistic abuse of a Male friend, who is a religious and vulnerable narcissist. And I siad this to you yesterday. Please tell me ways in which I be unable to be affected by the pshycopaths, narcissists and sciopaths anywhere.

Hey Ben, I've been watching your videos for a while now and a lot of it resonates with me deeply. However, I still - almost 6 months after the breakup - find myself wondering if I was the narcissist/toxic person in the relationship. Was it my own innate insecurities or was it her subtly strengthening them? What I want to know is; Is it possible for a (possibly unaware) narcissist to go through all of this ruminating, self-doubt and general insecurity themselves after the break-up?

Had a Hoover on Thursday she told me that her cat was dying the cat loved me she gave me s*** for being in love with her or I'm sorry being infatuated with her and not love she wished me well and peace and then told me to leave the her the f alone and then told me that if I see her out in public I can be nice to her it was word solid it was crazy nothing made any sense

I have a problem, The more I learn about narcisists, the more I feel sorry for my ex narc. Because you are people with feelings, Don't know what to do with those feelings, 5 months no contact,... Covert narc I realy loved my NARC, Probably Trauma bond? We appreciate you!!

You feel really stupid i know that