Should you talk to women you're dating about the struggles you, like all men, experience in the dating market? www.patreon.com/posts/patreon-should-70777314

In my experience women are far, far more likely to abuse their partner than men. Women’s abusive behaviour tends to be more ‘under the radar’. Things like the silent treatment, stopping you seeing friends and family, gaslighting, or stopping the father seeing the children if the relationship ends. Not all abuse is violence.

"Don't try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other." The legendary Al Bundy

The more I know about female nature, the less I want a relationship.

I grew up with a mom and 2 sisters who had all 5 of these traits. By age 15, from observing the family dynamics of some close friends, I could see something was wrong with my home. My dad was a workaholic, so he wasn't around much; but he died in an accident when I was 18. So, I threw myself into school, sports, and 2 jobs all through high school as a way to get out of the house. I never dated a girl in high school, mostly out of the dread of introducing someone to my family. Once I got in college a group of awesome guys took me under their wing became excellent examples for me of confident masculinity. Also in college, I met a gorgeous blonde from the south of Sweden. She was level-headed, minimalist and nothing like the women in my family. We married in June of 2009 and have 4 kids now. My mom and sisters are completely out of my life now. It's possible to get away from toxic, abusive people and build new, healthy relationships.

Here is a sample script on how to deal with manipulative gaslighting people like this: 1. Witholding "I'm ending things with you, goodbye." 2. Trivialising "I am ending our relationship" 3. Denial "You cannot deny the end of our relationship has come" 4. Diverting "What's this new thing, it's the end of our relationship" 5. Stereotyping "This is such a typical manipulative response, time to manipulate myself out of this relationship". Abuse ends with use, use leaving them behind. The most important person in your life is you, look after yourself.

Though it took me over 30 (33) years of marital abuse to recognise it, and a terrible destructive divorce with several suicide attempts, I did recover and recognise retrospectively just how abusive my wife had been. Don't be me... don't let your heart override your head, nor programming overrule rationality. Another excellent video from Alexander... that I wish had been available all those decades ago.

You just described 90% of women of today.... This why men are checking out of any need to have a relationship with a woman! We're tired of the grief and the pain women bring to the table.

Most men cannot explain what is happening..no one told them they were in a war...thank you Alex.

You forgot number 6. Screaming.

I remember the nursery rhyme from when I was a young child. "Girls are made of sugar and spice and all things nice, Boys are made of dogs and snails and poppy dog tails...." Social conditioning on men to always view women in the most favorable light starts early in life. It leads many men not wanting to see any malign intent in women and tolerate behavors they would not accept in a male counterpart.

Denial might be the most infuriating to me. This happens not only with my girlfriends but weirdly my older sister. I'll be helping our handicapped dad with something and she'll stand off to the side and say "you're not doing anything!" while I'm holding up 200 pounds of dead weight. And all I'll say back is "what do you mean, not doing anything?" And she'll shoot me this sarcastic look and go, "uhh, no I didn't say that" Ugh

I briefly (about three months) dated a woman who did that trivializing thing every single day. I consistently called her out on it. I would tell her she did such and such thing, and then she would roll her eyes or wave her hand or whatever. I would then tell her that she's literally trivializing my emotions and if I did the same thing to her she wouldn't let me hear the end of it. Again, hand wave and eye roll. Every single time I saw her this would inevitably happen. And what's more, she was rather sensitive and would often misinterpret things I said and hold it against me. I would say to her "reapeat back to me what I just said word for word" and she wouldn't be able to do it. What's funny is we were hanging with her parents one time. I overheard her dad say to her mom "that's not what I said!" And I said to her "hey, that's what you do to me!"

After watching this video, I hugged my girlfriend extra hard when she came home from work today. I grew up with an older sister that displayed some minor forms of these behaviors, so I know just how fortunate I am to have found a partner who doesn't do any of the things you described. I recognized her for the special person that she is because you taught me what to look for in a partner. Thanks Alex.

The 5 tactics: 1. Witholding : Intentional and unwillingness to acknowledge the importance of the male contribution. Intentional witholding of gratitude or praise. If she were to give either, it would prevent her from being able to play a victim. 2. Trivializing: Belittling the achievements, contributions, or emotions you're giving or feeling. Imagine you voice anger or fear with somthing that means something to you, and she just dismisses it. This is a form of mental and emotional control. For the girls trying to relate: An easy example is your boyfriend during a potential breakup says "Leave me for who? Look at you! Who would possibly want someone like you?" 3. Denial: Refusing to acknowledge actions or attitude a woman engages in. This is the truest form of Gas-lighting, and Alex argues is the darkest and worst. This is abusive, because on a psychological level it takes men already prone to abuse (otherwise they'd just leave the relationship when treated this way), and warps the perception of reality causing second guessing. She's effectively sacrificing your sanity for her comfort, and that's evil. 4. Diverting: Intentionally changing the topic to something else, with ill intention of either confusing, muddying the water, or discrediting your argument. This can be compared to "strawmanning" in logical fallacy use. By attacking something else, she's setting the stage in a way that she can win the argument, when in actuality the thing you're discussing is not the original important topic. If you don't correct this, she's doing it because she thinks you're too stupid/simple to argue. It's as simple to correct as saying "No that has nothing to do with you XYZ'ing me. Stop trying to manipulate the topic. Be responsible. Don't act like a coward." Eventually she'll stop doing this knowing it won't work, and instead probably just stop talking to you all together, but if you choose to keep her in a relationship long enough for this to happen, then you're in a bad spot, bro. You should've already left her. 5. Stereotyping: Uses negative male stereotypes against a man to try to divert from the conversation or topic. Nice guys are most suseptible to this, because they already internalize the feeling that being masculine is wrong, so when guilt-topics are signalled, they tend to fold. Instead, keep the topic about her, and YOU, not men, not your race, not any other stereotype. If you keep it about YOU, then she'll respect you a microscopic bit more than not (not by much. This type of absive woman doesn't respect anything other than herself by default). Watch the video entirely, because Alex does a good job giving examples and being somewhat non-biased on the topics. Note lots of what I commented above is not just Alex's points, but also some comments I included, and those do not represent him.

Women have something you want, like a boss with a paycheck. When your boss tells you to do work that you are over qualified for, or complete personal tasks for them, unrelated to the business, sometimes people don't recognize this as abusive behavior. Similarly, women can put you in situations they shouldn't, but you ignore that behavior because they have something you want.

I used to be a very emotionally abusive partner to my ex, especially with withholding, and I believe many women are. I've managed to improve dramatically by going to therapy, and by being very honest with myself about WHY I felt the need to emotionally control my partner. I highly encourage women to seek therapy for these issues.

It’s highly narcissistic…my ex wife acted out a lot of these traits. I can honestly speak as a man who’s gone through starting my life over at 40 just how much picking the wrong partner can indeed ruin your life. I’m 8 years removed from that situation and still trying to get back to where I was.

I lived that emotionally abusive life with a woman from April 2010 until January 2020. I was 25, she was 21 going on 22 when we got together. She did a lot of covert abuse tactics. I was wet behind the ears, not being experienced much when it came to relationships. For her, I wasn’t her first, far from. Hindsight is 20/20. She was toxic within 3 months together. But, I put it down to a one off, to me being overly sensitive etc etc. I had no idea about things like: emotional abuse, gaslighting, Reactive Abuse, Goal post shifting, double standards, emasculation, Wolf Whistling, Withholding/ neglect, Jekyll vs Hyde syndrome, Sociopath, Narcissistic BPD, Triangulation and Parent Alienation. I realised I was enduring and had lived this with her, but during the time, I couldn’t put my finger on it to describe what she was doing, I just felt frustrated, confused and defeated. I thought I was the problem for a long time. I did look into things and seek help. Still things were out of my control, as she would antagonise and belittle frequently. Then I came across, NPD. This took me down a revealing rabbit hole, Covert Narcissism triggered more and more realisations as she slotted right into that bracket. I spoke to sources, sharing experiences, seeking clarity and understanding, and repeatedly they would try and tell me, she is a Malignant Covert Narc. I denied this, thinking it wasn’t quite right. Until things came up again and again, getting worse and worse, and I had to finally admit what she was. It’s a life experience I wish I had known about before I endured what I did with her for nearly ten years. I had no education before I got with her in this mental minefield. It truly was a trial by fire.

2 minutes in and I am immediately thinking of how Jada Pinkett Smith treats Will Smith.

I’ve only see a handful of your videos recently, as my wife and I have been going through this. After years of me making “progress” I looked back and saw that none of my complaints has ever once been acknowledged or worked on. Not once. I have lost every battle in my relationship to four of these five tactics and I can’t thank you enough for helping me to understand more clearly what I’m experiencing. I surely feel less alone.

Trivializing is the one I have experienced the most. Especially from my mother and 4 sisters. As a child, I was wrong about everything and even as a man, my opinion was always "not a big deal" or "you're exaggerating". They wonder why I never come around anymore... Last time I was visiting with family, I gently disagreed with a sister's opinion about the 2A (US) and was sneered at, and even aggressively charged by an overweight sister as if she was going to assault me. I'm a 220 lb, muscular 40 year old man, and she assumed that I would do nothing. Of course I didn't do anything but just left, because had I even defended myself I would've immediately been "over the top" or "out of control". Now when my sisters visit my parents and they want me to bring my kids over and hang out, I just ask, "well, what if I say something she doesn't like? I can't accept the risk or liability presented by my sisters' actions." Don't even get me started about my ex wife...

This is a pretty neat summary of my 12 years marriage (with a single mom). Thanks, I whish I have known all this 14 years ago. Would have saved me so much trouble and health.

Honestly, assuming you’re the type of well-adjusted, righteous guy, (the type of person he usually refers to as “High Quality”) finding a stable, secure, and happy relationship is ultimately down to you vetting well, but 90% of "the search" is simply down to dumb luck. Alex wouldn't disagree with the fact that, for men, finding a partner is way harder than it is for women. The vast majority of women would obviously say the opposite, but objectively speaking, trying to get AND keep a man happy is child's play compared to trying to get and keep a woman happy. But the thing is is that even if you are a "high quality man", lot's of women can be chameleons (I find that and many other terms like it quite cringy by the way lol). They may do certain things, or say they like something more than they actually do in attempts to convince themselves that they are attractive to the man they want whilst also trying to lure him in. And then one's he's committed to her, she doesn't do those things any more. Basically what some would call the "bait and switch". Some women are better chameleons than others, and some can be a chameleon for longer durations of time. Some women may make retorts like "what about the men who go back on their word" or "well, what about men who are players?" or "what about the men who lie to get women". What most women don't realize is that most men are decent, average guys, just like how most women are average. And most guys are not going to blatantly lie to them to try to get a one night stand (which most men can't do as effortlessly as women think anyways. Also too many average women turn their noses up at average guys) These men who tend to be players usually BLATANTLY lie, whereas chameleons may actually convince themselves that they like what the man they find attractive also likes, but as soon as they get commitment from the guy, they may slowly stop doing said thing without even consciously realizing. On a side note, I find it funny we consider women to be the more "socially aware" between the two sexes, and the sex with a better "BS detector". But, they always manage to just "stumble" into relationships with players, abusers, and with men they shouldn't have been involving themselves with (oftentimes while turning down the hardworking, decent guy). Neither sex has a monopoly on "social awareness" when it comes to relationships. On another side note, women tend to bring up these type of guys who are players because, unfortunately, those are the men they tend to have eyes for. Also I’m curious what other people think. There's an argument to be made that the vetting process for men is harder than it is for women, not only because of the aforementioned point about chameleons, but also it is generally easier to spot a man who isn't good for you than it is a woman. I say that because women tend to be attracted to men with Dark triad type traits while men tend to be attracted to women who are the opposite of those traits. Dark triad traits are certainly not conducive to a healthy relationship, so seeing a man who displays those should be a large warning sign for women. But they are usually drawn to it, and sometimes will flat out admit that a guy is no good for them but they chase after him anyways. However, it's harder to spot the red flags in someone who is portraying themselves as “sweet” or “kind” and/or “innocent”, words that are not really associated with the Dark Triad personality (if not considered as the opposite). So, there isn’t as much of a “warning sign” for men to spot, or at least not as easily. And even though it may be a stretch, given that women tend to be drawn to traits like that...could it be argued that the characteristics that men tend to be drawn to in women are more conducive to forming healthy relationships, as opposed to women being drawn to traits that "badboys" have, which most psychologically healthy and moral men (and women) don't display.....just food for thought. Another point I wanted to make is that regardless of whether a man is "high quality" or not, any woman, if she feels like she "Isn't happy anymore" (a statement usually made in a marriage) or is just vindictive, can destroy him emotionally (especially if they have children together), financially (usually when married), and socially (harming his reputation). Of course not every woman would do this (or even some of the things I mentioned in the first paragraph), but every woman can, and many of them do. One last point, to be fair, I didn’t watch the whole video where Alex talks about his family, more specifically the relationship with his girlfriend, who I believe he said he met at a young age and has been with for quite some time now, so I could be getting this wrong. But, I think because of his relationship success and ability to find a “high quality woman” it sort of skews his perception a bit. There’s really not at all many "high quality women" out there, and I think the number of them are even smaller than he’d care to admit. As ironic as what I am about to say may sound, considering the title of this video and the topics of most of his other videos, I think Alex can sometimes get caught up in ideals and what "sounds good" rather than how people (especially women) actually are. By no means am I trying to say that there are no happy, long lasting relationships. I've seen some.....probably like less than 5 (lol). But through this long rant (which originally wasn't supposed to be one lol) I was basically just trying to state how finding these types of relationships are, yes, down to vetting well, but a large portion of it is just sheer dumb luck.

Excellent video! It's all true. I pointed out to my girlfriend that what she was saying was the exact opposite of what she had said 2 minutes earlier. She told me I was living in the past! Women absolutely refuse to be held accountable for what they say or do.

We are socialized to disregard our own emotions except for the ones that women find useful or comfortable. Our mothers start us off this way. We are shamed to the point that we become alienated from ourselves and then women and society tell us that the key to emotional fulfillment is in a relationship with a woman. We then attempt to use women to experience our own emotions vicariously through them. It is a complete and total takeover of what makes a person a person. And since it is an invisible type of power and very subtle it is much more potent than physical domination. Throughout the long history of armies slaughtering one another in the name of the King, there's always been a queen or a mistress in the castle whispering to him " you know what would reallllly make me happy ...." And men are such suckers for this. WAKE UP

She Divorced me after 32 years. This vid is exactly on spot, I agree with every word. I dealt with Narcissistic, gaslighting, angery behavior. I just didn't realize how bad it was until I was away from her. She did me a favor ultimately.

A lot of female behavior comes down to social and emotional maintenance. It's not so much about a woman's desire to look good and feel good that drives her behavior, it's more the terror of looking bad and feeling bad. Pain is a far greater motivator, and unless she's truly empathetic, only her pain matters here, not yours.

Had all this done to me. Life ruined (and severely hurt my child too). She will hit me one minute and deny she touched me the next... Plus she will claim I'm abusive. Pure evil and the ONLY SOLUTION is to run as far away as possible. You cannot out talk her and nobody will believe you.

"Accuse Your Enemy Of What You Are Doing, As You Are Doing It"

In my last relationship, she used the Denial method constantly and even tried to make me think I was going crazy. I'd tell her something she did or said, and she would deny and then tell me she was worried about me because I was remembering things incorrectly. She also tried to say I did and said all these things I would never do. I admit at first I was second guessing myself and saying I was wrong.

I hate to say this but in my experience pretty much 100% of women do all 5 of these. Even in "normal" relationships. They are masters in the art of avoiding accountability and all 5 of theses are tactics in that playbook.

Here’s a few more you should do a video about. Women who get upset with you because you got upset about something they did wrong. I’ve met women who will do bad things and then when confronted become upset that the man was upset about her misbehavior. Or women who will withhold affection when they are upset. It’s an abusive tactic to withhold love and affection as a punishment.

Thank you Alex from the bottom of my heart and soul. 17 years sent me to some dark places and her gaslighting has turned friends and family against me…. Now I’m all alone and left wondering what happened, and you just gave me justification and clarity.

i had all these 5 things in my previous (first and probably last) relationship,it was 24-7 guilt , dissatisfaction , anger ; now i am finally out and doing much better with my life . thank you for this video Alexander. love from india

Recently I've realised that my mum never directly complements, encourages or helps celebrate my efforts and achievements in life. The best I get is a lack of criticism when I do well or achieve personal success.

At this point in my life(I'm nearly 25) I'm more surprised to find a woman that doesn't have NPD than to find one that does.

It’s been about a year since my break up, even thou I’ve come to the conclusion that it was both of our faults the relationship didn’t work out, watching this really opened my eyes and helped me realize that she had a LOT more to do with the toxicity than I thought, it’s crazy what someone who’s in tune with their manipulation skills can do to you

This is what I fell for - I was accused of emotional blackmail and denying her feelings but it made me so focused on what I'd done wrong I didn't realise I was reacting to her doing them to me in the first place. Maybe I'm naive but I'm not sure she realised, and I wonder if I'd called her out we could have forgave each other properly and moved on. Instead I lost a lot of respect for her and broke up a few months later.

I literally told a woman trying to be in my life and engaging in emotionally abusive behaviour. She would call and I would tell her I'm working and instead of going, "oh I'm sorry, I'll call you at a better time" she just goes on talking as if I haven't just told her she's interrupting me. You see how subtle that is? I told her off about it and she gaslit me and I told her she was emotionally abusive. She continued to deny and to trivialise my concerns. I told her there is no way I'm paying to be made miserable and she can go make someone else miserable. She never blocked me. The most important thing is if you're feeling bad about it and she's not prepared to do anything about it, get out. It's only ever going to get worse.✌🏿

The wrong woman can ruin your life 100% agree, and it fucks up with your mental. My ex wife, had all those characteristics denial, diverting, minimizing & it drove me nuts because i was trying my best to keep us together. I can admit that i wasn't emotional healthy and overreacted to the triggers that occurred,but i was willing to work through them. She however just avoided me like i didn't matter whenever i raised issues in our relationship,Till I got tired &just cut her off permanently despite having a child together

I used to deal with most of these with my ex. Anytime I'd get upset with her she'd accuse me of being too loud. There was never a right time to bring up problems. It we were fighting she wouldn't talk things through to resolution because I just wanted to fight. If it was a good day and I'd bring it up because there was no tension, she'd say I was trying to ruin the mood. When I tried to have her make a list of what she needed to be happy she'd try and avoid it and when I fulfilled it she'd act like I was being difficult. She even accused me of being gay. Fortunately, I looked at her attempts to drive me crazy as mental illness on her part. The only upside of this Hell was she wanted to get out of our 18-year marriage so bad she told me that she needed $5,000 for a down payment on a townhouse and a quick divorce or she'd get a lawyer and try and get all she could for me making her miss this opportunity. At that point I figured I already did all I could to help her and save things and could move on with no regrets I didn't do more.

If you discuss a relationship with a woman and you want her to do something in the relationship and she says 'I will try' it literally means she will not do it.

The worst part of this, in my eyes, is that you find on social media the idea that these behaviours are acceptable, that it's justifiable to use and abuse men as needed.

It's actually pretty crazy, now after analyzing my past relationships and observing others, this all rings true and has been used by every woman I know including my mother... My depression.. it's getting worse.. I really don't know how I even manage to make it to the next day after being raised by a single mother and 4 aunts and then having been on the receiving end of all 5 of these abuses and building up depression over the years. Finding channels like these opened my eyes. But opening my eyes from a terrible dream only to see the dark truth makes me even more depressed.

My mother uses diversion form of gaslighting on me, and still uses it on me whenever she tries to gaslight me saying I don't at all help her out, when in reality I am the one filling out her excel spreadsheets and typing out her question papers for school. Other than this, she also uses denial one for denying that she never hit me badly or scolded me on the regular basis during my childhood, saying that she hardly ever hit me. Thanks for the video Alexander

Yes,yes, yes,the wrong woman will destroy you, took me over two years to recover from a 5 year serious live in relationship with a narcissist,who was a Dr. And a Scorpio ,

Awesome content. For all the “pro men” information out there, what we really need is to catch manipulative tactics. This needs to be out in the open and common knowledge.

Key to all this is that men should give themselves some value and self respect, never ever settle for disrespect, if you call it out as soon as you detect it, trust me the girl apologizes really quick, cuz they always like to test your limit

It happens in the workplace too. Some female colleagues can make their male counterparts lives a hell on earth using the same malicious tactics. Fun fact is that those women cant do against other women as they are quickly called out..

As someone who grew up as one of like three male cousins in a large family, I can tell you the society of girls is based on a fluctuating hierarchy. In order to take the top spot on any given day, or even minute to minute, they learn to manipulate. They use their innate knack for non- verbal communication and social cues to learn their manipulation tactics and by the time they reach adulthood they are EXPERTS at it. The tactics given in the video are not necessarily only used on men. They use them on anyone they want to get their way with.

This video needs at least 100 million views, this is how important that is video is

Women dont look at men as humans they see us as resources and fun thats it. the sooner you see this the freedom comes. Just have fun on their terms dont get attached and keep working on your life goals chads

I don’t understand. I don’t understand for the LIFE of me, WHY any man would put up with this. I used to give 2 strikes, today just 1 strike! Disrespect me ONCE and we’re done. A long term gf of mine, did this withholding thing with me 2 times. The 2nd was sex ual. I responded by not showing up to her family dinner with her friends and family. Then I broke up with her when she said “ I embarrassed her”. She was in shock and disbelief. I don’t understand why men accept this for themselves and ALLOW a woman this much power over them. Cut her off. Divorce or breakup RIGHT AWAY. It’s downright pathetic that men allow this to be done to them. Disgusting. I explained to her and her brother who thought I was being over the top and unreasonable that I have boundaries and expectations. I LIFTED HER. She was a nobody, after me, she flew around, lived, learned so much. And you think I’ll tolerate disrespect and withholding? Nope…Her own mother said, I am a RARE man! And then went on to connect with me on LinkedIn and introduce me to a future client! Her mother!

Honestly, the trick with these kinds of toxic relationships are that you'll never see them immediately, especially while you're being love-bombed. In my experience the beginning of every toxic relationship is incredible . Physically, emotionally, and even spiritually this person is checking all of your boxes and you've developed feelings very fast. It genuinely feels like you've found someone incredible, it feels like it's your turn now, you deserve this great relationship, you deserve love too. You will find out a month in when the façade starts falling apart. It starts with diminishing your experience by them saying so much heavy stuff about everything they are dealing with that they don't have enough time for you. Inevitably they throw some guilt in there and say that everybody always leaves them so you stick around because you don't want to be like everybody else, you're better right? Meanwhile during that time they continue to do whatever they want but you're left in limbo meaning that you're kind of anxious to have their attention back because there's just this void now and if you aren't giving her enough attention or power then she'll just not speak to you. Yet if you give her too much then she's going to be unhappy with that too so you're just in an uncomfortable position because of her bad communication skills. Another tool that covert narcissist women will use is that they will take a situation where they are at fault and fess up to the fault and act like it's resolved and that they're going to work on some kind of resolution for the future. In your mind that's exactly what you wanted and you are content as you think you're both on the same page. No one expects or really wants a perfect partner, we all make mistakes and those mistakes can often be ameliorated by talking about the issue and setting or resetting healthy boundaries. You should really sit down and get to know each other and what the problems are that need to be addressed. Internally though, she feels like a scolded child and will probably find ways around the boundary that you just set because she doesn't want to follow it anyway, otherwise she would have been doing it already. She just accepted that she messed up verbally because she knows that you wouldn't put up with her otherwise, so she'll "take the L" to keep you around but honestly has no intention of changing her behavior or will shift blame. All of this is because of her crippling fear of abandonment, she would rather admit that she was wrong about something to your face to keep you around, but not out of magnanimity. It's not a positive reason, it's just that she doesn't want to be left without a constant supply of attention and affection because she *needs* it to be happy with herself and feel reassured that she is a good person externally. Next is lying about small things and then later big things. You won't really know what they're lying about until you catch them in it but generally it's going to start being impropriety with their friends, like they're too close to some of them or I actually think it's a red flag now for people to just run up and hug all their friends all the time just because they're *too* friendly. You'll find about a month in that they're not really that nice, they often talk sh*t about half of the people that they are quite nice to in person right after. I could go on and on about this but I urge people to research the signs of narcissism in women, not just grandiose but covert as well. There are quite a few good KZfaqrs like Dr Ramani that project a little bit because of their own bad pasts with narcissists, but you have to arm yourself with knowledge about this because narcissists are attracted to empaths like moths to a light honestly

I experienced gaslighting from my ex who turned out to be cheating on me towards the end. The worst part was that she was blatantly denying my suspicions that something was 'off' and she basically tried to make me feel guilty for her infidelity. I can say with full conviction that this experience was far more damaging and scarring to me than a time when I got jumped and physically attacked by a gang of douchebags (only physical pain). They are not even comparable in terms of magnitude of suffering yet it seems there's more (unnecessary) reflexive compassion to victims of physical pain compared to sympathy for those who suffer immense psycho-spiritual affliction, which is how I would call it if the relationship really mattered to you. Long story short I was suicidally motivated shortly after and ended up on anti depressants that also did lasting damage to my body; let's just say I was no longer able to be properly intimate with another woman for almost 2 years

How did a young man like you get so wise on this. Took me a lifetime to see this stuff. It's all spot on. Well done.

thank you for being so loud about this, Im one of the guys that grew up in such a household, all females on my mothers side of the family pull all these cards pretty much every day in every conversation. It was a norm to me and had a very long very bad depression, took me 8 years of terrible relationships with exactly the women that behave like this, 5 years of psychotherapy and about 3 years of travelling to let it all sink in. I ended up cutting ties with my family completely, there is no way they will ever understand how shitty they are to everyone around them.

The examples from a previous relationship I had are: withholding: "I don't want to talk about this right now." Trivializing: "you're being overly sensative right now" or "wow, you're so sensative" denial: "we already talked about me quitting my job" or "youve never been a good dad" diverting:"you always make me feel like I'm not trying and a terrible parent" stereptyping:"who has heard of a woman not getting her kids, youre so controlling"

My ex told me that if I could not remember something she said verbatim or have some record of it, it never happened. She trivialized just about everything when it came to my emotions or wants but magnified her own telling me, "Don't you know the saying, "Happy wife, happy life?"" and "It's your job to make me happy and if you're not doing it, then you're doing something wrong." She always accused me of gaslighting her. After our divorce, I thought I would gain peace and quiet in my home again after she left it. Little did I know, the worst was yet to come.

Every young man should be taught this before he is 20. This is such an important lesson.

Well, this was a reminder of a girlfriend from decades ago. I refused to be treated like garbage then, and today. She got sent down the road.

- I didn't say that! - Oh you most definetly did. - Well then I'm sure I've had a very good reason!

My ex liked to tell me, women are emotional terror*st. And then she proceeded to be one

This is extremely valuable-potentially even life saving-information. I think most guys believe they would never let themselves get into a position where any of this advice would matter because they're smarter than that. The thing is: *Women don't defeat men in the realm of intelligence. They defeat men in the realm of emotion, which is infinitely more dangerous.*

Almost a perfect description of my first (and only) wife. Left out the promises made with no intention of keeping them. Though that does fall loosely into "denial", it feels like a double-edged sword. I feel fortunate to have survived, minus optimism about loves ability to overcome obstacles. Carry on, my brother!

Trivialising: My mother did this. Denial: An ex did this, it was her default position. Problem for her was I'm a stubborn bugger and knew she'd said the things she denied saying so I just knew she was lying.

What is between their legs is not worth dealing with what is between their ears.

My mother was like this. Drove my dad crazy.

#2 trivialising: Yes, experienced this one with a girl I was seeing who I ended things with recently. We had some arguments during our relationship and in all of them went the same way. She would try to get me on something, and when she realised she wasn't getting anywhere she would change the subject of the argument and after a few attempts to beat me that way, she would finally just make the argument about how I had "invalidated her feelings". I guess she felt like that was getting her somewhere because she started developing this narrative about how I was supposedly chronically insensitive and hurtful towards her. One time I got upset at her because she was attention-seeking whilst I was trying to do some important stuff and she accused me of getting "pouty" - after all these lectures she gave me about not being sufficiently considerate of her feelings!!!! Literally later that day she gave me a talking to about the importance of considering the other person's feelings in a relationship. It's exactly as you say Alexander - they want a guy who's in touch with his emotions, until he has some emotions that she doesn't approve of. Then she'll put you in your place with gaslighting, shaming and whatever other emotionally abusive tricks are in her arsenal. It was simply mind-blowing. I don't know what goes on in the minds of these women; they're either unbelievably solipsistic or there is some seriously dark stuff going on in there. Either way, I'm pleased to be out of there. Thanks for all of your content, Alexander. You are doing much

Maybe masochists have been ahead of the pack this whole time...there are a lot less people that can hurt you if pain is something that bring you joy 🤷‍♂️

Sadly, I came across your channel just two years ago. I had been in an abusive relationship for nearly 20 years. We met when I was 30 and now I am 56. Yes, my life has largely been stolen. I just hope that your messages reach as many as possible. Keep up the good work.

10:25 I had one person in my life who was like this. I genuinely think she believed it to be true. We all know women ride their emotions. I think this particular women genuinely had no memory of things she'd said during an argument. Total split personality - all governed by her mood.

I was driven to the brink of madness, lost my sanity, and didn't know what true or false, real or made up. The woman I dated used all of these tricks...ALL OF THEM EXTREMELY EFFECTIVELY. Even when you are aware of these tricks. That doesn't mean you can truly fight against all of them. You will ALWAYS LOSE at the -Denial Card-. When I started losing my mind from these cards being played. I asked my now Ex Girlfriend (YAY) this question... "Let's say I saw you cheating on me. I knew who it was with, when, the time of day, where, and what you did with them. Let's say, I saw the entire deed from start to finish and didn't interrupt just to see what was going to happen.Let's say my phone was dead so no photos or video. I saw it all with my owe eyes. Later on I confront you about every detail. Would you admit the truth? Her answer honestly scared me to the bone due to what it said about her as a person. She said..... NO. You have no proof any of it happened. WTF!?! The way she said it. Cold with no soul behind her eyes. I knew I had to get far far away from her. ....unfortunately she lives 2 streets away.

1. Withholding 2. Trivializing 3. Denial 4. Diverting 5. Stereotyping We know spot most of these but how about the regular dude, i feel bad for them. These are not easy to spot, most of the time.

I'm married for quite a few years now, going through a horrible phase and thinking about divorce. I have my share of the blame for problems in the relationship, but for all these years, like Bill Burr said in a stand up once, it seems we are always working on me and my flaws. Never the reverse. And we rarely have sex anymore but the lack of drive comes from me. I've been humiliated quite a few times during the act(putting my masculinity in check) as I am no expert and try my best, and my will to do it as plummeted to the point I never feel like doing it.

Be aware of all these tactics. I was in a abusive relationship for 15 years and had no idea until a therapist told me I was. Now I have a severe mental disorder because of it.

One important thing I think is important to keep in mind is that men's feelings are brushed aside by society or whatever because its possible for men to shrug off personal attention and still be productive. Usually that idea is framed as victimization and something to be taken advantage of. Its framed as men being weak. Don't let that frame be what you see. The truth is men are amazingly resilient and can power through so much. Yes, men's feelings are neglected. But that is only possible because we are so strong. Even in desperate times, men are capable of amazing feats. Remember how awesome you are, guys.

Alex I've listened to this entire video and one of the nice things about it is, that apart from the info itself, you are so articulate and sharp in your speech and communication. Amazing and a joy to listen to. None of your sentences were messy or fuzzy, its amazing how pleasing it was to listen to. And that's coming from a guy haha, your voice and skill of expressing yourself is really really good.

Oh man this was a good one alexander! I'm 65 years old and you're bringing back all sorts of things from the way my mother treated me.

Solid video. Ex used 4/5 of these against me, somewhat unsuccessfully, before she broke up with me saying "You're too strong". It was sad to lose a decent relationship due to her losing to her weaknesses when she doubled down on avoiding accountability.

The "Denial" part is soooo destructive over time and what makes it more "CRAZY" is when you stop challenging them ( because it's useless to do so because of their constant denial.) This lack of you challenging them will be used as evidence that you are the crazy person. VIctum - "I didn't like that when you called me a ______ last night" Abuser - "I never did that" Victum - "When we were walking to the car you ______ and _______" Abuser " You always accusing me of stuff that's never happened. Are you ok?" Welcome to CRAZY town. STOP drop and RUN.

G.M.H-J did all of those to me, the most painful was when I reminded her that she had bounced my head off of the window sill to which she replied "I didn't do that to you, you did it to me" on the plus side, she showed me what narcissistic abuse is an what not to tolerate. It will be eight years no contact soon.

There's no substitute for really knowing yourself. If you know yourself, you can't really be gaslit.

I can't thank you enough for posting this video. I was in an abusive relationship with a narcissist who literally do all of these gas lighting tactics on me. For the longest time, I suspected that she was cheating on me but whenever I brought it up she denied it, trivialized my feeling, and follow it up with emotional blackmail. When I found proof of her cheating on me she kept denying it. I still allowed her the chance to prove her innocence (the biggest mistake I made). Yet, she withheld the conversation by diverting it and shifting the blame on me saying that I disrespect her for even thinking that she would do something like that. I ended the relationship that day, but as you can see she was gaslighting me till the end without me even realizing it. Your video help me re-affirm and understand so much about how these tactics were used on me, I will make sure this will never happen again

Thank you so much for highlighting topics like this, especially on such a volatile platform as KZfaq. Love the content

Oh my God, Mr. Grace, this video has been so liberating. Really nails what I've been going through inspite of my best efforts. Thank you bro!

Your videos are getting better and better! Thank you Alexander.

Thank you Alexander for everything that you do. I Keep Watching your videos even if English is not my main language, but everything is so well explained! You are changing people and you are helping people realizing some truth that need to be heard!!

This is extremely helpful. This goes across all boards....if a family member is like this, run. A friend....neighbor....boss....partner....run from these people. Men and women are scary if they hold these traits. 😬😬😬 However, a partner like this is bad because that's the person you're planning to be for the rest of your life. It's terrifying. Run 🏃‍♀️ 🏃‍♂️

Some simple SIGN language. If they Shame, Insult, Guilt, or always Need to be right, then it's time to walk away. They are not wife material.

Hey Alexander, you should make a video on how to deal with all that you said in this video in the context of a relationship. I think this would be a great value to tour comunity

Understanding Narcisism is understanding woman behavior.

Alexander thanks a lot for making these videos. ive had my head messed with hard by a woman i last dated and she checks all the red flags of manipulation you're discussing in this video. with every month she made me believe more and more everything is my fault and im entirely to blame for issues in our relationship. she refused to engage in conversation. never thanked for anything. i went further and beyond to please her and it was like whatever i did was irrelevant and not important at all. constantly guilt tripping me. constantly shaming me. spent quite a bit of money on her and comparative amount on therapists in the past year just to get me out of the rut of self misery and non-stop heavy suicidal tendencies. wish i'd find your videos sooner. you helped me clear up my overwhelming confusion of this clusterfuck of a relationship in just a few of your videos i watched. very based. thanks a bunch. signed up to support you on patreon.

What a great video, thank you, Alexander! I am actually living the Denial one and it baffles me, I actually did took notes and recorded just like you said, I really thought I had a problem with my memory.

I dealt with each one of these during my 10 year marriage. These things really can make you feel crazy and make you question things that shouldn’t be questioned. I left her. I’m in such a better place now after the divorce

You forgot projecting. My first ex was abusive by projecting her own flaws, traits and emotions towards me and her family members. And she always played the victim. She messed up her own life, played the victim, put all her problems on my shoulders, then treated me badly when i tried to help her to solve them. She always wanted to avoid her problems, and didn't want to solve them. If someone tries to solve them she saw that as abuse, because that takes away her victimhood power. And she disregarded any emotions I had, unless she could turn it into a way for me to take pity on her for feeling bad about it. Any attempts to adress any issues was "abuse" according to her. She treated me worse and worse, and tried to gaslight me into thinking I was the bad guy. I always had to walk on eggshells constantly, and when i couldn't take it anymore and broke up with her she had already turned my circle of friends against me.

Well done Alexander. Thank you for explaining these things to everyone.

This applies to work place abuse by women on men. Covert aggressors tend to be deceptive everywhere anytime.

So deep & true. Thank you immensely. 🙏🏽