Oh, I thought it was a purposeful creative choice to highlight the inner thoughts of the elegance coach by separating her from her outside appearance, as she began to question the intention of elegance coaching. Btw, I think you're awesome.

@@nicolehuff8455right lol? I thought it was a stylistic choice

I totally expected it to come back on with the coach de-femmed lmao

i thought it was artistic. the black screen really forced you to focus on the harrowing audio

we didn't need the video, the speech itself was so powerful and you had so much passion in your voice. i absolutely agree with everything you said !!

Good way of putting it

oppressive systems will only be dismantled once the main benefactors decided to.

fricking a what a line.

​@@ishy6875or until they are made to.

Brutal truth

I feel like this statement is true for masculinity, too.

@@queenmarshmallow8013 To combine your and OP’s sentiments Femininity: being confident in your own skin as a woman/ femme without bringing other people down Masculinity: being confident as a man/masc without bringing other people down

​@alyssapinon9670 oh wow its almost like being an ideal human involves being confident in yourself and not having to bring others down to do so! How interesting

You have to bring people down to feel better about yourself if you're insecure. If you have confidence, you don't need or want to bring others down

honestly I find the idea of femininity and masculinity kind of dumb. Just be who you are and find your own path, everyone is different.

Spot on.

Cause that’s what it is, gaslight gatekeep girlboss 💅🏻✨

Exactly 💯

The way I used to eat this up but then realized I was much happier being “ghetto” and “ratchet”, made the most authentic and meaningful relationships, and had less worries… I switched back and I’m thriving. Although I do code switch like every other black person, I’m still gonna be me and not someone else entirely. What turned me off was realizing all these “coaches” were doing this for men. It was always centered around men and I’m celibate so idgaf about doing anything to attract a man or marry. Realizing I was never meant to be “elegant” and “feminine” was freeing. I’ve always been a girly girl, but those videos made me hate dressing up at some point. I felt like I HAD to, and it wasn’t enjoyable anymore. Plus, I see a lot of the girls turning into conservatives or right-winged… I don’t want that lol

I've always thought the alpha male guys should link up with the sprinkle sprinkle feminity girlies. They both pedal the same trad views

thats the lie women from these communities were always feminine but for western cultures to justify their mental and physical subjugation monetize from thee inferiority complex they teach them, they have to push the narrative that they are not femenine. if you travel outside of the west you'll see that poc women are the most femenine imo

The argument that feminity is not for black women is he most stupid argument. black women and indigenous women are feminine by nature of being female, and it looks different across different.

Also not for certain nationalities apparently, because god forbid you happen to be white, but from a contry mostly made of villages, "You are just a man in a skirt!" Is what they will tell you, when like, you are literally going to die if you "don't do a MANS job" EVEN IF YOU HAVE A MAN. ONE MAN IS NOT ENOUGH USUALLY. Not even going to mention that the taking care of kids is still your job, even when you already do the "mans part", but the privileged people still see it as a you problem somehow

To perpetuate white supremacy! That's essentially what that does!

Because is a way of colonization, if you erase the identity of minorities, it's easier to oppress them

Well rich people are doing it so it's cool now

And well to go further it's simply because there's a facade that because it's not coming from an obvious oppressor and/or someone with in the audiences community they're more likely to accept it than from someone else

when you justify it by saying it doesn't belong to a certain adjective and a certain "aesthetic" people think it's just the requirements for that niche or whatever, if you straight said that without linking it with a certain niche you would be caught more easily but when you link it to smth else it's like a mask for it, idk if I'm explaining myself

@@soditadepayaso Exactly, this. Because this shit isn't being marketed under an oppressive construction (ei. Patriarchal religion.) And as part of an aesthetic of class, and elegance and is being marketed by women both white and poc, the audience is more willing to accept it as a cool trend rather than the sexist and racist marketing it is.

@@GraveyardMaidenit’s sad how ppl try to emulate and adopt the behaviors and beliefs of rich ppl like…. even if you’re well off compared to most ppl you aren’t even CLOSE to being in the 1% let alone 10% lmao like ppl will start beating down on others so quick whether it’s wealth or another status symbol

omfg literally

100%

I'm indigenous, it never ends.

In my case, the idea of being "civilized" is tied to being forced to act neurotypical.

Real : (

Do these women really think that "high value" men are just hanging around looking for the average woman? These men marry the women that already grew up in their circles, that have massive generational wealth all on their own. This is completely pointless for normal people.

Check out Karine Alourde! the people who say that the art of femininity is to get a “high value” man is not doing femininity. For me, i find the genuine people are empowering feminine people to be powerful in your place. Like where your feet are right now, you have power. Masculinity is “if you move your feet and go there you have power”

theyre like the female equivalent of those sigma/alpha male life coaches

​@@Booby_toesdays I'm sorry but that sounds like just a different way of saying men should be allowed to explore freely and achieve their dreams and overcome barriers, while women should learn to 'know their place' and accept and endure limitations and discomfort. The narrative of "a woman's empowerment is about finding power 'within her role' and not wishing for a man's life" is identical to mainstream conservative Christian teachings...

I think it makes sense. We're in a pretty bad economic situation in the US. It's a survival technique. I think it's fruitless, though. Besides, in my experience, wealthy men treat women worse, like they're disposable. It's like they don't have the capacity to love. Again, my opinion and experience. They've lacked empathy and been stingy with money because if you want to buy something they wouldn't buy, it's "frivolous" or "foolish." To me, not worth it

Damn, I’m envious of anyone who can keep their place tidy

Feral Housewives, they get lost out in the woods, the poor things, trying to sweep up pinecones, making little martinis for racoons and put slippers on trees.....actually sounds super cute lol. I am ready to be a forest wife!

I adore this. It reminds me of when my ultra-fine hair grew super long and my sister made an attempt at a compliment: "you look like a feral mustang"

new aspiration gained: feral housemalewife

Also the word housewives already implies domestic 😂😂😂

I think it's hilarious that these tiktokers are forgetting the most important rule of old Americana femininity... don't speak unless spoken to... Women were expected to be quiet not share their opinions with anyone who listened on an app for gaining attention.

Yes. "Elegance" is just an excuse to put other women down.

@@no_ononono3074except women were allowed to shame other women and since it’s presumed that’s who the content is for, it’s allowed to fly under those restrictions.

​@@no_ononono3074 this is reminding me that the most etiquette thing to do is to not look down on others but that can often just be blatantly ignored because people want to look down on someone else.

Who do you see Shanspeare bringing down here? Yt supremacists?

Yes. It was weird. "The Feminine Divine" "Goddess" jazz ....... really culty.

@@miriamhavard7621Sometimes I see so called feminists describe femininity as divine and it’s like..no. Divinity doesn’t exist. There is nothing supernatural or magical about human behaviors. It’s instincts mixed with socialization mixed with cultural constraints. Women aren’t special, men aren’t special.

Period

True :3

​@@miriamhavard7621oh that mess irks me

As gen z, I like having confidence that our generation (with our ability to see past bullshit and desire for "authenticity") would do better than previous ones...but everyday I learn of a new trend that is actually harmful. Using "girl dinner", which was meant to be harmless and just show how one girl ate when she didn't have the time to make a full meal, to promote eating disorders; this lame femininity coaching thing with an expected dose of classism and eugenics; cottagecore glamorizing colonialism and whatnot...it makes me worried that the social activism of our generation is just another trend for most people, like the hippies of the 70s. Maybe I'm being too harsh on us, we're still rather young, but I really don't want our gen to grow up into bigoted, miserable old folk who'd want the younger generations to suffer just as hard or worse than they did. Maybe I'm foolish for expecting all of us to easily notice what was bigoted in nature, and rally against it.

​@@Vesperad0 (sorry for the long comment, this one got away from me lol) I'm a millennial and went through a very similar thought process when I was younger. Being a little older now, I can say my generation is definitely more progressive on average than previous generations and we did get some things right. Hopefully gen z will be more progressive still. But ultimately any generation is just a diverse group of people with all kinds of personalities, politics and experiences. It's easy to focus on the most extreme depressing examples of bigotry and be overwhelmed by it, but it's also important to keep a sense of scale about it. It's definitely good to be aware and engage with problems, but it's also good to remember that the loudest, most obnoxious voices get overrepresented precisely because they're so loud and obnoxious, and people end up boosting engagement with morbid curiosity and outrage. I think one of the most powerful things you can do as an individual is just model the behaviour you want to see in the world, and don't give into peer pressure. You'd be surprised what an impact it can have on people just seeing someone in their peer group voice a nuanced opinion, or politely decline to go along with a joke, or be pro-actively kind and accepting to marginalised people. You don't need to be scolding people and arguing all the time, but you can find a balanced way to stick to your principles while still being friendly and accepting that most people don't mean any harm. Be willing to say "I disagree, let's talk about it" and "personally I don't judge people like that," and "actually I don't find that funny." That last one in particular... one thing I saw with my generation was the popularity of joking and memeing about serious topics in a way that was destructive and desensitizing. It was common to say things you 'didn't really mean' as a 'joke', and many people really were being sarcastic, but over time some of those messages sink in at a subconscious level, and younger kids grow up in a culture full of 'ironic' prejudiced or stereotyped humour without really understanding the context. I see that still happening with gen z (it's just a universal human thing) but I hope they can take a lesson from their older siblings and try to move away from constant irony and hyperbole, and try to question what message they're really spreading with jokes and memes. Like the example you mentioned with 'girl dinner', some people started ironically gendering random things as a comment on arbitrary gender norms, saying 'girl this' and 'boy that' about ridiculous things to show how ridiculous it is... but then younger or less informed people picked up on it as non-ironic trend, where they were actually unironically gendering their daily activities, and then those trends devolved into the same old harmful stereotypes - e.g. 'girl dinner' is eating hardly anything because girls are supposed to be thin, frail, demure creatures who don't have any needs and never take up too much space... then other people started posting things like 'man dinner' with steak and whiskey etc. and linking to their manosphere podcasts. The whole thing circled round to unironic so fast. I'm not saying don't have a sense of humour. Humour is so important for getting through life and making everything bearable, but my generation made a big mistake with turning every real issue into 'ironic' humour, distancing themselves from painful realities, and creating confusion and misinformation. I really hope gen z doesn't repeat our mistakes!

@@Vesperad0girl, sad to say this is the same old story. As a millennial we were supposed to change the world, that’s what they told us we "new millennia kids" would do. I guess we did, by making the next generations feel lost cause we broke all traditional rules. They exist for a reason, most people don’t want to wake up everyday and decide on absolutely everything. Some people are comfortable following a guide, I would even say most people. I’ve done a good amount of research on this topic for years, to finally conclude older societies had things figured out and CHOSE to stay silent or do nothing in certain areas cause it’s for the benefit of the majority. And sadly it works, that’s the bittersweet truth.

Respectability politics is so goddamn exhausting like, we have actual important shit going on I genuinely couldn't care less about what we look or sound like while we do it. Look at the senate throwing a temper tantrum over fettermans manner of dress and the loosening of the dress code. People on BOTH sides (though let's be real here, mostly conservatives) are up in arms about the importance of decorum (effing lol) while there are massive issues just stalled out having nothing done with them.

​@@PossibleBat"benefit of the majority" sounds familiar ☠️

Kooleen? If so, yeah.

The irony is that gorillas don't even have lips lmfao have you seen how non existent they are?

Oh yeah, Kooleen. I think she also has (or had, Idek of she deleted it after the whole thing went down) a video in which she drew a black person's lips and compared it to sausages. It's extremely weird.

@@mxxnsmelxdy they hate black features but go buy the fake white version to it, only to still age bad and look crazy.

Let's not forget either that the same artist, Kooleen, advices to "not draw ugly people" and "coincidentally" never draws people oustide the eurocentric beauty canon. People like her, who are not flexible with what they draw and don't consider other perspectives and styles, shouldn't be doing these damn "art tutorials" which 90% of the time is just them showing off their art and leave you with prejudices that will hinder your skills.

omg yessss and whenever I go to sleep at a white person's house, or someone who doesn't need to use a bonnet, they judge me for wearing one

Am I allowed to cringe at you if I do. It is hella annoying to see anyone white or black wearing a bonnet. It is tacky. You wearing a bonnet does not mean you are jobless or a bad person. But it does mean you are really annoying.

Bonnets is sleepwear. It's not a good look in public. You can buy a beautiful Headwrap and cover your hair to protect it, but a bonnet does not look good in public. Fighting to hold on to something that should be let go is something that us black women need to learn for the betterment of ourself.

Exactly… White women constantly go out ball caps and wear those ridiculous big brown hats. And I’ve never seen anyone condemn white women for that. So it shouldn’t be any different for a woman of color to wake at a bonnet!

Bonnets are designed sleepwear. If I saw someone out and about in slippers they could argue, it's to protect their feet, but slippers are for in-house, wear sandals for outside. We do have all types of headwraps that prorect black women hair and make you look beautiful and presentable outside. Bonnets do make you look lazy, just like wearing slippers outside.

welcome, child.

Trans woman here -- this kind of stuff also makes it hard for me to be perceived as a woman at all. I don't pitch my voice through my nose much and I talk loudly, and I'm very vocal on top of that. So since I haven't had vocal surgery, a lot of the time when I'm just talking with friends and being loud or passionate, there's that "oh you sound like a cis man" in my head (and people who only hear my voice often think I'm a guy). Same thing with appearance/dress -- atm, while I haven't had any laser hair removal or surgeries, there's a relatively narrow list of things I can wear and still pass. And even when I do, my odds of being "sir"d in public are like 20% instead of 2%. This isn't by any means the same stuff that Black women deal with being excluded by "elegance" but I couldn't help and notice some of the same parallels of how non-"""conventional""" women have to act to be perceived as feminine. It's a performance required of us, regardless of our authenticity to ourselves.

As a trans woman who enjoys their androgyny, all of this resonates And what makes it worse is when we leave our boxes, our circles where we can be black and feminine or trans and feminine or androgynous and a woman, and suddenly feel... Persecuted (? May not be the right word) for not being "feminine" or not being feminine "in the right way" or even "not a woman/person of value" Edit - Dismissed might be a better word than Persecuted

The thing is even when we're only looking at someone's appearance, one item (baggy trousers, T-shirts, baggy tops, etc.) gives different impressions on each individual. For example, I actually look more "feminine" when I have pixie hair when short hair is basically deemed as a no-no when it comes to "looking feminine". Keep in mind that this is only based on appearance. This means that there's no monolith in being feminine, even when we're only looking at it at the most superficial level. I think these coaches are just creating and following aesthetics, which I think is also why it's easily capitalized because they can just say that "you need this thing and that thing to be feminine" or whatever just to sell their products.

​@@alia_babowhat i don't get is WHY I should be feminine. Like, how does trying to be a certain way add to my life? same goes for masculinity. if I wear a dress and makeup, it's because i like how I look in it and feel comfortable in it, not because i want to be feminine.

@@user-ny1wo1vp9r I wonder that, too. Not everyone wants to be seen as feminine and if we're going off of what these people deem as "feminine", there are many people who can be considered as feminine (by their standards) when they don't want to be seen as feminine at all.

I’ve met a woman from there that is hella superstitious and very controlling to her American husband who used to be friends with my husband. Yeah I’m glad I no longer subscribe to that type of femininity anymore as a masc presenting non-binary person

That's a great point! I am an American (though with Eastern European heritage) and have visited Russia twice. I noticed I stood out a lot in my T-shirts and jeans because I noticed the Russian ladies dressed up basically all the time and wearing heels even when you had an apartment like my one host mother's that had no elevator and lots of stairs. I remember going, "How do they do it in heels all the time?"

That hair thing is serious here. I have thin (also oily) hair so I used to wear it short and I noticed it is considered less feminine by the society. 😣 Meanwhile I find men with long hair attractive. 😜

@@chrissy1237 yes, the irony in that all is they are obsessed with the feminine look, however they didn't consider attractive the bigger hips/butt/tights which are feminine traits too, even more than the long hair.

@@ZivanovaableThe fact that they were able to flip thin, narrow bodies into an inherently feminine trait and curvy bodies which are biologically more feminine (women have more fat placement in their hips to aid childbirthing) as less ideal is just a show of how prominent white supremacy is.

especially the one made by young teens

Because it's all fascism! You can have your style but not force it on others and shame women who don't want to be part of your group.

not really. this man hated slavic women and most of these tiktokers are, in fact, slavic

@@Crawlingdreams418he planned to let Slavic ppl who fit his ideals of whiteness to homogenise into German culture actually

​@@Crawlingdreams418so they are under-read cowards to go along with it. Shouldn't that have more poignancy. Acting up the behaviours that were part of the dominant cultures that hurt their ancestors is a pathetic look.

This. 100%

pretty much. i've seen a ton of caucasian women make themselves look paler to be less likely to be discriminated against by white people only for the latter to raise the bar even higher

Well said

Black women started wearing weaves to meet white beauty standards, then they made it 'ratchet' to wear weaves 🙄

Wow! Yes!

i'm so sorry you were denied your hair, i hope you can now wear it with pride and joy

Gross, even if a part of the reason they reacted like that is because of the time they grew up in. At some point they'd have to realize that what makes you black isn't a sin, but that'll take time and patience, and evidently not a lot of older black folxs care to process racism. If they can't do it for queerphobia, ableism, xenophobia, and so on, I doubt they'll care to deal with internalized racism. I really hope you feel comfortable wearing your hair however you want, as well as knowing your hair isn't inherently a political statement; may you decide if you switch between flat ironed and Afro puffs, and only you decide. Short, long, protected, natural, under a bonnet or with a durag...do what you want with your hair.

🤦🏾‍♂️Damn Betsy. It's difficult for me to hear that. It must have had such a painful impact on you, as a child, to hear your trusted, adult, loved ones talk like that. Really sorry you had to go through it. Know that they were pushed into that type of thinking by the hate they surely recieved. Nothing that you did. Mind you, I was glad to hear that, even as a child, you had an indomitable spirt and rebelled by secretly letting your hair out. 😎 That's badass sister.👍🏾 😊

I've heard more racism from black and Mexican people about black people than I have from white people. (In my personal life.) It's so sad that they think repeating the racist ideas of the white man from the past or today's racists might bring them closer to being accepted by white society. I don't see why people can't just live and be themselves without constantly worrying about what the white people might think of them. So sad.

I was so pissed when I found out relaxers were straightening my hair and my mom was hiding a part of myself from me that I never knew existed and I had to learn to groom it all over because I missed out on growing up with it. I went through so many periods of sadness and frustration with my hair before I finally found out what works for it and accepted that no tutorial will get me 3c hair and that there were styles my hair could do that I personally found beautiful. (I think my straightened hair gave her a sense of pride when people would come on it's length and thickness.)

I remember cringing internally at a black girl I saw at a supermarket wearing a bonnet, but it didn't take be very long to think _why_ I felt embarrassed for her. Most people know what the hell a bonnet is used for, and there's a whole ass meme about white girls and messy buns, how is a bonnet any different? They most certainly are under the pressure of being seen as a monolith, and so they begin to resent any other black person who doesn't present themselves the way they'd want. They feel as if other black people existing as they are threatens their validity as a woman, or a person to begin with, but instead of taking it out on the man behind the axe they blame the wood for not being strong enough...even if the man took years to chop the tree down.

I.cringe when I see people wear bonnets in public. I am not sorry about that. You better get your damn hair done before you leave the door.

​@@Vesperad0I am not embarrassed by her. I am embarrassed for her. You do not need to wear a bonnet at a supermarket. You have every right to wear that bonnet and I have every right to not like it and think it is stupid. Because it is.😊😊😊

@@lisah8438 🤷‍♀️have fun i guess?

​@@lisah8438you don't know what that person's life is. Maybe she's fighting depression or anxiety so strong it took all her energy just to get to the store. Judging isn't elegant.

If it ever happens again, make sure to tell her that she is unfeminine for "speaking without being spoken to on a topic that is not suitable for a woman to discuss in public". They leave out the biggest social expectation of expressing femininity according to European/old Americana standards.. BEING QUIET AND MEEK/SHY! As a southern woman, this idea is still passed along in some white generationally wealthy families. If a young woman tries to talk politics/culture/or really anything viewed as unconventional, especially about what men want, an older man in the family will likely throw some shade at her and tell her to shut up in a passive aggressive way.

Name drop!! 😂

​@@MsElizaRaespill da 🫖☕!

cursed "popular girl" vibes 🤮

It’s really obvious every single time. Always the racism! To me, the only solution is rejecting these concepts entirely. It has nothing to do with me!

ever notice how most of this starts getting popular when there is a global crisis of new levels of economic exploitation/hardship, the world being on the verge of WW3, the west going unchecked in wars/coups/sanctions the past 30 years while creating a refugee crisis...which in turn they need to blame minorities with no power, rather than the actual capitalist class that is causing it? notice how most of the media is owned by a few elite billionaires, who have all this power to influence people's views so easily if they haven't learned to think critically? even with tiktok, people don't know that it only went out the news because they were forced to *have* to allow ex-CIA agents as senior roles/board members to control content? of course this would all be reactionary topics that have been recycled for the past 150 years with a twist, whenever there is a economic crisis for the working classes. women should believe they're going to land one of the tiny minority of men on the planet who are wealthy, while we are over 50% of the population? that our dream should be to be the servant of some mini-jeffrey epstein wannabe? because that's how most billionaires act, and of course the richest in the world are mostly men. it's just new american dream nonsense for women! i really hope people learn a bit more about how capitalism works by promoting propaganda on all media platforms. you can't have free news when a few billionaires are allowed to own the majority of media on the planet! if you look at the top influencers who post stuff like this, same with the manosphere section, so many are funded by a select few billionaires. really, i encourage everyone to learn how to easily search who funds big influencers, because the vast majority are earning money through these methods. anything that divides the working class and stops critical thinking, as that may actually mean they try to work to change this corrupt system /s

hate from the first sight. it' giving not being able to bend your elbows cos your hands will go numb cos your size-approlpriate jacket is TOO FRIKIN TIGHT

They hate how free and unbothered we are 😂 The only place where the rent is free for black people is in white folk's heads lolbs

I know right? I’m so scared as a poc

Hold up I need to look something up

oh weird, ew

oy vey

​@@DoormanSoormanSame...

I always find it funny, that straight hair wasn't even the white dominant preferred style until like 40 years ago (80 ish if you want to count the Louise Brooks bob). I watched Morgan's video recently of 500 years of hair styles. And they all wanted curls. 4C in many variations for years. It's literally hilarious.

I know right!! I feel soooo feminine and soft in my Afro!! Love it!!

​@@iamthenicheeebecause you ARE!!!🌺

Yes............

Yeah, as a Canadian of Indian decent, living in a very white Conservative place, I'm ridiculously empathetic towards this comment. Thank you kindly for posting your experience. 👍🏾🧠💯🎯👏🏾

Same! I feel solidarity with you.

This sounds exhausting, I hope you're in a community you like better now.

We dont have to prove anything to ppl that generalize an entire group of ppl they know nothing about and therefore, lack intelligence

I'm very sorry ik your a smart and beautiful person

or jettisoned him off the side of a cliff overlooking a landfill

Defenestrated him, perhaps. Convince him you were Superman since he was an idiot already, and watch him pull a Lois Lane

Those type of guys are dangerous cause they get off having power over women and abusing them. If you display any signs of self-identity and express needs it's a turn off to them. It was most likely a narcissist or worse.

Think of it this way. It may have lasted longer than you wanted and/or was healthy... but at least you know never to go down that gaslight, rabbit hole ever again. 😊

“I refuse to let anyone dictate what is or isn’t feminine in my life. I’m a woman. I don’t need to “perform” femininity or do anything to be more feminine. Womanhood to me is whatever the hell I say it is.” THIS. This needs to be written on a plaque somewhere bc girl you said it! And I like how you said “perform” bc it’s so true how these videos are designed to pressure women into feeling like they are not enough and have to “perform” femininity. And we really DON’T, we are fine as we are and WOMAN ENOUGH. I swear society tells women that they are not “woman enough” in so many ways and this comment really nailed it! And the whole pressuring women to be submissive thing while shaming other women who are outspoken is just so icky

It really sucks because being submissive, quiet, small, unassuming is just asking to be abused. It's not something to aspire to. I know, because I'm naturally like that and I've been a target for bullying and abuse since I was a kid. I had to find my loudness and bitchiness, and find a way to take up space to feel comfortable and more secure in the world. Feminine clothing: heels, dresses, etc, just make you slower and uncomfortable. Wear what you like. Why need to be feminine? We're already women. That's enough.

As a white woman, I hate how "feminity" channels glorify trauma and tell women to be passive, submissive and helpless. I've experienced learned helplessness and social anxiety as trauma response. I've commited to heal and be the most confident, healthy, unchained version of myself. I don't appreciate sexist bs. I've watched many black women who inspired me and I loved their confident, authentic energy. There's nothing they should change to fit someone's little box. "Feminity channels" tell us to remove the most vibrant, eccentric, unique parts of us and become sad shells without voice and personality.

​@@xletragedyxTotally agree! That's my experience as well. Just wrote similar comment before reading yours.

Damn right‼️😎 Nice to know future generations will stand on your shoulders. Love this comment. Thank you kindly. 👏🏾🎯💯🧠👍🏾

I believe so too, their control is slipping so they need to reign things back in

Manifests by way of racism, pining to win in a patriarchy. It’s pathetic.

It always, always has been. It's a system of control.

I would also add that beyond black femininity coaches, some Black KZfaq and TikTok MUA and beauty guru influencers participate in respectability politics all the time. You can tell they aspire to these problematic "elegant" standards based on the makeup trends and lifestyle and beauty products they're promoting such as outfits, skincare, fragrances, interior decorations, vacation aesthetics and locations etc. All in all, it's lacking character and personality. Conformity is a drug.

@@haingo9079 they want us to be respectable to the ultra rich men who may bless you with a few pennies, yet the ultra-rich/"educated" (statistically the ultra rich have lower IQs than middle income working class) are disrespecting the vast majority of the world by treating it like a playground & running about like mini-epsteins. where was the respect when they insist on hoarding most of their generational stolen wealth? where is the respect when millions are dying from wars caused by them? where is the respect for democracy when it's proven it's completely useless in the west under capitalism by a princeton study, because they use their stolen wealth to lobby politicians to do what's in their best interest? why do people care about being seen as "respectable", when really it's just being classist and a class betrayer if you're not in the elite capitalist class? don't be respectable to these people, actually grow a backbone and get better at thinking critically. read lenin or something, trying to make ourselves less intelligent/pick-me to these guys is pathetic, it is complete betrayal and believing a complete grift. these people are grifters! there's a lot of money in making propaganda for the ultra rich! i fear the day this could become popular in scotland, because at least still here being seen as something not working class is a massive embarassment. that is why the elite capitalist class don't mingle very much with the rest of the population. being working class/poor is seen at least as being not a exploitative tory. it's actually seen as a sense of pride and perseverance amongst anyone not a rich tory. people are more likely to larp as being poorer than they actually are for a better social standing, not the other way around lol. if you start acting like how these classist women act, you'll be bullied for it and rightly so. however, i know that social media is powerful, so i worry for the next generation.

🤔🤨 very interesting theory.

Girl, I'm about to hit you up right now and have a whole conversation about this!

Radfems who idolize traditional white lesbian femininity always give "2 steps away from ecofascist" vibes. I call it the radfem tradwife horseshoe theory

wait what? Is there really a community doing that?

I wish dark skin would stop being masculinized. It affects the men yes but also affects the women. Viola Davis spoke of an interview how she could never get a movie for her to star as a woman falling in love in Italy but she could instantly get a slave movie or a movie of her struggling/suffering.

Genuine question: wdym "relationship dynamics in the context of 50s aesthetics"? How can a relationship dynamic be determined by historical clothing? Also, is it really harmful to like historical aesthetics, when it's pretty clearly supposed to be an escapist fantasy? Like, I'm pretty sure white queer people wouldn't want to live in the 50s either, i know i wouldn't (this isn't me trying to make your life harder, i swear, I'm just trying to understand)

@@tamarbeker1701 so I think I'll explain it better. Many butches take inspiration from 50s male style. Like, 70% of them all look like Elvis reincarnated. So, there's a few lesbian bars who adapt a 50s aesthetic to them, to further get into that feeling. And I've heard MANY white lesbians across social media say that they wish these bars would not allow black lesbians in it to make it feel more "authentic". As if a LESBIAN BAR in the 50s is authentic.

That's a great point ! When you try to fit in, they ignore you, but when you make your own lane, they're 👀

Big facts...I like my funky clothes, talking with my earthy tone, wearing my hair in Nubian styles and when I say they be like👀👁️. Like how dare you try to be black and love it too🤣🤣🤣

Adds up, really.

Love this POV

Fr

Didn't Blair White diagnose herself as autogynaphilic and sau she was a subset of man and definitely not a woman?

completely agree. it’s like the idea of “i’m (insert oppressed minority and/or marginalized group) but i’m one of the “good ones” since i meet x, y, or z”

I vibe with that, as a queer neurodivergent person, my masking sometimes falls into that category becuase I want to be "safe". However once I learned how to unmask, I've gotten SO MUCH WORSE at masking that its to the point that I just don't mask anymore (unless like job interviews vibes) because I "look like a weirdo" either way, which is weirdly freeing? "Fuck it they're not going to treat me like "one of the good ones" so why should I even bother!" is the best feeling when you have it

What exactly does respectability politics mean? I mean if you’re not going to behave in a respectable way (ie a way that denotes respect for others) then you can’t complain when people don’t have respect for what you are trying to accomplish. Is that not simple math?

@@evaphillips2102 respectability politics doesn't mean being a decent person is bad. It means that the most hateful to your community decides what possibly you can be to be accepted then you go around doing it, denouncing others for not doing it, and lamenting to those that hate you that it's not you but those others in your community that are ruining it for you. Think Muslims listening to what Islamophobes say they should act like to be accepted then not only acting like it but harassing and scapegoating those that refuse to act like this "model Muslims" and throwing them under the bus. In today's example it's those Muslims that swear up and down that Muslims are violent and distance themselves from other Muslims; but reality shows more violence has been enacted on Muslims than Muslims on non-Muslims. The responsibility politics works against the marginalised community the way Candace Owens insults black people and is anti-feminist yet has championed a companion using feminist pushed legislation in pursuing a divorce against a man abusing her and she herself used the NAACP to help her fight racist discrimination (and have you seen all the racist sexist abuse she faces from the people she's trying to earn their respect?) That's it, it's pretty simple actually. In general human lingo they're people like the pick me girlies that annoy women and loose the respect of the men they're trying to earn their respect.

ive found that looking up to /finding people through things like pinterest who have my facial features i dislike or body features i dislike has seriously helped me with image

hated my stretch marks and scars until i looked up models and photographers that showed off those kinds of bodies etc. i hope this helps

Amen we can define femininity for ourselves !!

Do what you like. Wear what you like. Fuck everyone else. You don't need the acceptance of others to wear what you think is pretty. You've got this. Do you mind sharing other cultural ideals of femininity that you've come across?

I wrote long comment but youtube removes it...🙄 Essentially I said you should be enjoying yourself bc most WW want the things W of color have. Don't you know that WW want to have darker skin, thicker hair, dark eyelashes?? Some won't admit they want what you have so they will act mean. I am WW and I appreciate women of color beauty a lot. I do like my genetics but often wish I had thicker darker eyelashes. But the point is we should be enjoying ourselves uniqueness without "beauty standards" bs. All women have insecurities which is also stimulated by marketing to push plastic surgeries, make up etc.

"I'm merely performing a service FOR you, by letting you know you're racially inferior...." said tearfully, in true DARVO fashion.

​@@miriamhavard7621 My thoughts exactly.

Iconnnn 🙇🏾‍♂️

have you addressed the autism video yet or are we just gonna forget about it…

@@lilacfields and the body shaming too😬

@@lilacfieldslmao I thought I imagined that happened

​@@lilacfieldswait what happened

Not to mention those "trans finders" or whatever the hell they go by on social media, deeming nearly every brown woman alive as masculine and therefore trans. A wonderful trio of misogyny, racism, and transphobia. Transmisogynoir, if you will. I really don't think those creators realize just how harmful they're being, because all they're focused on is trans women, without realizing that ""masculine traits"" aren't consistently and undeniably "male" in humans. As far as I'm aware, according to gender stereotypes and associations, no human can possibly be 100% female or 100% male. From chromosomes to genitalia presentation to gender identity to bodily structure and so on. There was literally a cis woman locked inside a bathroom stall because another cis woman was convinced she was a "man" (trans woman)... because her hair was short. I'm not sure if she also had a flat chest and/or androgynous voice, I forget, but regardless she was harassed until police were called. Even if they don't care about the damage they cause to trans people in general, they fail to realize they'll hurt cis women in the process, all for useless bigotry.

agreed!! i've also seen this!!

That seems to intertwine with the whole “anti-transtrenders” thing that people like Kalvin Garrah and Blaire White seem to push. You must conform to gender standards and actually pass off as your preferred gender to “truly be trans”. If you don’t pass off, you’re “fake trans.”

Urgh I remember seeing a master post on tumblr for trans men. How to sit, how to walk, how to dress etc. It was too much

White trans women still have that white male supremacy mindset it’s disgusting!

i’ve seen a few feminist tiktokers talk about the connection of incels/neo-nazis and eastern european women. incels have seemed to moved on from scandinavian women being considered the highest class of women and instead turned to eastern european women because of modern feminism. i’ve seen a lot of incels praising eastern european women because feminism is not as mainstream in their communities as it is in scandinavia. i think a lot of these beauty coaches have noticed the praise they get online by these men and try and capitalize off it. which is really awful not only for them upholding white supremacy and gender roles for attention, but innocent slavic women are constantly treated as a fetish :(

Thank You for sharing this, I was not aware of the trend. I keep forgetting American incels don’t travel and ignore history. Completely agree it’s a very fictionalised and fetishised view by people who never actually been to, met or dated someone from any of the countries grouped as Eastern Europe. But also unsurprising that some leaned into this stuff.

because hatred is engraved in ru**ian culture. they are the first ones to cry about bigotry that happens in the US or in the west in general, while having dozens of derogatory terms for anyone who isn't 100% white and russian (not to mention the hate crimes they don't fucking want to address). my father is half caucasian (though he's white, not brown like most caucasians) and he got death stares from ru**ians. imagine what would have happened if his caucasianness was more obvious...

😄🍿🥤

@jjudova1 I'm screaming at your line about these beauty coaches being the descendants of serfs who took down the monarchy 🤣 The irony of them attempting to emulate the same people their ancestors despised ... fucking hilarious! Thank you again for sharing that 👏🏿

YOU GO SIS!!! We as Black girls need to decolonize our mind. And serving adherence to the White Patriarchal Order. We need need to learn to just accept ourselves for who we are and not change ourselves to fit with what society deems “desirable” in innate belief to being a object “of desire” to the White Gaze instead of a Human being with emotions, thoughts, feelings, and personality traits. :)))

Still hits the fact that what theyre saying is: "if you dont look like abc... youre not a human to respect"

oh i agree whole heartedly: as a level 1 aspie lady I always struggled with tone of voice, making the right facial expression and voice volume. i always thought I was the problem whenever my mother said I wasn't being ladylike enough

Frrr

I physically cannot hold my eating utensils "properly". I'm 28 and I still don't know how to hold them and use them successfully

Exactly

this is the realest shit

fr fr

💯%

The term “model minority” was created by yt people used to hurt the black community by claiming that Asians are the “model minority” and then you have your Asians who will go along with that mentality- it’s honestly extremely gross.

Yeah, me too. As a Canadian of Indian decent your comment really resonated with me. Thank you kindly‼️💛

I feel like it depends on the type of asian. East asians in my experience tend to be more high income and assimilate better w white people. SEA asians who are lower income tend to assimilate better w other racial groups.

@@phoebesekine4783agreed!! i'm a south asian immigrant and although i speak english and have no accent, i couldn't ever fit in with white people in the way my other asian peers could

@@akianopiates i dont know, i think it has a lot more to do with income groups than race. Most south asians immigrants i have met were high income and lived in large country club neighborhoods and etc. But my experience might be anecdotal.

“Always” you must have never heard of Pearl Bailey, Henrietta Lacks or Dorothy Dandrige. Brown women especially have their own take on femininity (Rita Moreno, Aishwarya Rai) white women have simply been the most visible women throughout history.

@@evaphillips2102 I have heard of them and that is not to negate that they were iconic for their femininity but in terms of a whole, I have always seen white women completely become the standard of what it is to become feminine. What I feel most is that when it comes to us, as black and brown women we are not feminine but rather sexualized. Sexualized to a point in where it strips us of our humanity.

@@evaphillips2102yes but white women always have the spotlight, and the attention of the majority.

However the African women looks innately very feminine by my opinion.

​@@evaphillips2102Even they mimic 'white beauty standards,' though.

I used to have a male boss who would half-jokingly say that some of my behaviors were unladylike, such as burping. I would always retort "I'm a lady, therefore it is ladylike" and that would always shut him up! 😄

naw, i'm not feminine and there's nothing wrong with that. femininity or lack thereof does not define you or your worth. now THIS is a better approach to the matter, imo. I do agree that different cultures have different versions of it, though.

But why do women need to be feminine? What's wrong with not being feminine? This is a bandaid solution that doesn't look at the root of the problem.

you are confusing gender identity with gender expression. feminine is not synonymous with womanly. woman doesn’t equal femme, and it’s not the case the other way around either.

@@earthangel55 I’m not confused about those terms, we just have different viewpoints. My comment is geared towards women who *want* to express femininity, and suggesting that how they choose to express it is a personal choice. There is no single "right" way to be feminine.

Thank you kindly for listening and learning. Good on ya'‼️😉 👏🏾🎯💯🧠👍🏾

Racism* not rascism.

Wow‼️ Really well said. Insightful and enlightened. Spread the word‼️🤣 Thank you kindly. 😊

Heavy on the “there’s something strange going on”

This is SO TRUE. I noticed a lot of these “femininity” videos have subtle tones of excluding “other women” as if femininity is a club reserved for those who are willing to maintain, upkeep and basically attain “perfection” pertaining to looks and “how to best appeal to a man.” These videos basically teach young girls how to look down on other women who aren’t deemed as “high value enough” or just “enough” by whatever standards they place that are rooted in misogyny. Of course not every video surrounding this topic is outdated and backwards like that, but certainly lots from what I’ve seen. Oh and the PRESSURE. The pressure to be as “feminine” as possible in the hopes of being seen as a “baddie” or “high value” or whatever- it’s all just ugh and attempts to “other” other kinds of women who don’t act “accordingly”

A world where "Ugly Betty" was America freaking Ferrera

I guess we have to reduce our lip size or, idk, expand our faces?? Idk

@@peachesandpoets Yet another Tuesday tho eh? :( White folx like me will steal everything from y'all, boil all the spice and colour out of it, claim we made it, all the while shitting on you and everything about you all... Like, "you're not beautiful cause your lips aren't in the same overall proportion as mine"?? Really? Phrenology called and wants it's calipers back...

@@Scriven42 you are an individual. you didn't do anything. you're free to call other people out, but don't take credit for their actions. you didn't do it, nor do you condone it. so please, don't put yourself in the same category as these bigots

​@@Crawlingdreams418But I am, in the ways that I mentioned, in the same categories as these bigots. And it's important to state that. Besides, I'm also not perfect. I speak stolen Black language, as does every who grew up in So-called North America, or anyone who uses "Internet Slang". To name only one of my imperfections in this way, for brevity's sake. The problems persist longer when we don't admit who does them and how we're associated with them as individuals.

@@Scriven42 bigotry is a conscious decision, not something you're born with, like, say, being prone to addiction or having an ill temper. you may have instances where you can say something questionable and you have every right to call yourself out on it. but putting yourself in the same category as the assholes who think black women cannot be feminine because of their features is counterproductive. unless you actively defend them or you instructed them to say this crap, you are not responsible for what they do. bottom line is, when you do something wrong, it is clear that you both acknowledge it and want to do better. they know that they're doing messed up things, they don't care. it's wonderful that you want to call bigots out, but please, don't do it at the expense of your self-esteem.

same

That sounds awful. I'm sorry that happened to you. Hopefully things are very different now.

I'm glad you escaped!

Wouldn't it be lovely if our livelihoods didn't often hinge on impressing twats that think in terms like "elegance"

@@peakdelvalle197 I took it the opposite way. If the worst thing is that you’ll be embarrassed than maybe you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. If you truly love something you won’t be ashamed to be silly gross and foolish

how does it feel to be the only other name in a Shanspeare credit reel! 🎤

@@Shanspearemy ego is inflating my head is too heavy for my shoulders and now i’m confined to my chaise longue :///

I feel this as well, I feel like when I'm ultra-femme I'm proving something. I'm trying to pick apart why I feel the need to do that, why I should even care about stereotypes and what random people think of me. And I love masc women, but there's a part of me that sees me being femme as being "one of the good ones" and I hate it.

I commented something really similar just now! Guess we're all out here trying to fit our sharp corners into overly rounded and narrow spaces

Thanks for sharing your experience. Wlw dating gives me so much anxiety bc I feel like I have to decide on whether I want to be more masc or more femme in a relationship and I'm neither really (looks wise and charcter wise). It's much easier to be myself with a man because everything's layed out to some degree even though I'm not the submissive gentle type at all. But I'll always be "the woman" in the relationship, that can't be taken away from me. It sounds awful but it's just how I feel and I hate that it's stopping me from being with a woman.

😆😅😂😂 I wish‼️ 👏🏾🎯💯🧠👍🏾

Latto said that? The same one who called her assistant a pet orangutan

@@lordtette God. Damn. That is brutal - thank you for telling me about that. I should have done the homework before quoting her, and I really appreciate the reminder to do so (I'm neuroatypical, so I can easily slip into taking people at face value). The quote I cited comes from the Netflix documentary "Ladies First: the Story of Women in Hip-Hop". There were other artists and icons talking about culture vultures, and I wish I'd quoted one of them, instead.

Yet they only serve a meaningful purpose as function uplift White Supremacist Beauty Standards. Which does not do Women of Color a favor or any means hood of Justice. It’s just another way to make our lives so difficult and miserable. It is because we are Non-White and Non-European…. …..

Excellent!

All the systems of oppression certainly pull tools from the same toolbox

That’s how they get you. I mean, they are literally peddling advice to uphold the status quo. I just don’t buy any of it; they are selling something insidious

I always knew it lol. It all comes to misogyny/patriarchy. You never know who pays those ppl and they do it for views also.

​@@TejubescDMyep.

I'm ftm and I feel the same way about presenting masculine. I don't always really want to but things are scary right now and the only way to be safe in a red state is to try to go stealth

She is! It’s giving mean girl vibes that she tries to be . Lowkey you can tell she was bullied and is now doing the same to other women more so black women cause she sees us as less than based off her culture . I see her mindset and it’s gross, whatever her definition is of elegance, won’t get her a man.

Same. I understand the need to be stealth to avoid being targeted; but I wish they understood the reason we have to perform to cis standard is to avoid the abuse. And that's not right, becuase then that means playing the game of respectability politics. Being black as well as trans. I stopped engaging with it. I'm tired of needing to fall inline because once you do the goalpoast always changes. Hopefully some start to realise that.

I edited them on! I felt like a person wearing ice blue eye contacts 😂😂

No, it doesn’t make sense to come together. No, it’s not the same. Black men who have transitioned will never understand what black women experience. Black trans men have been the biggest misogynists and they can fight their own battles…

Trans women are masculine, black women are masculine. That's how bigots see them, and yet some black women (as you said) make trans women their enemy. It'll never make sense, like how latin women I've seen say the most racist shit to black women, then complain about racism. How cis women will attack trans women, then complain about misogyny. How lesbians would attack bi women or the other way around, and then complain about homophobia. Make it make sense, they don't see any of you as human. Shut up, and unite.

No thanks. Your community has no respect for Black women.

Thier is a big diffrence between a black man wanting to be a woman and a black biological woman. The fact that your trying to submerge the two shows how much internalized racism and self hate within yourself as I'm assuming your a born black woman. Just pathetic wih no correlation and you can tell your trans friends who are black men to stop harassing women thier trying to imitate.

And stop calling normal people "cis" its offensive how about I call a transgender tranny

Literally